I would think the weekends would be the perfect time to get a nice shower in but nope. Not only do I have my 4 year-old to contend with, there’s my husband as well.
I try to sneak into the bathroom and almost every time, I’m busted.
My daughter’s usual response is “DON’T TAKE A SHOWER! PLAY WITH ME!!!!! Followed by a little tantrum and some kind of move that involves her down on the carpet, scooting around.
What. The. Fuck?
It’s one of those “Is this really happening???” moments followed by me thinking I’ve been drugged with acid. It’s just a damn shower!
I’ll tell her that I’m smelly and will feel much better if I take a shower, and then after we’ll play as much as she wants. Ummm, yeah, that doesn’t work, ever.
My husband is around most weekends but when I try to get some assistance from him, it’s like he falls off the fucking face of the earth. Where does he go? What is he doing? Does he have a shower radar and he makes himself vaporize when I try to take a shower? Does he slip off into another dimension? Is it the Twilight Zone? Where the fuck does he go? I JUST WANT A SHOWER!
He appears eventually and is met with bitchy wife.
That catches him off guard because by the time I find him, I’m so fed up with being stinky, dirty, and dealing with the hummingbird that my voice goes supersonic and he can’t understand a word I’m saying to him.
Then he replies with “You haven’t taken a shower yet?” and my voice gets so high and squeaky, I’m sure even dogs can’t understand me.
Last weekend was a perfect example.
It was already dark by the time I was in the shower and right before I got in, my 4 year-old walks in the door and tells me she’ll wait for me to be done. Okay, fine, no privacy, no problem, I’m used to it.
Then my 2 cats wander in and sit there in the bathroom. Followed by 4,804,567 questions by my daughter. I’m trying to answers as best as I can while I try to figure out why the tub isn’t draining but filling up with water instead.
Mommy, will you be done soon? Mommy… mommy… mommy?
By this time, the water was up to my ankles and I kept on flipping the shower thingy knob off and on but I couldn’t figure out if it was draining the water.
I had shampoo in my hair that was dripping and burning my eyes, the 20,000,000 question girl waiting for me, and a shower that was quickly becoming a bath.
That’s when my husband finally reappeared out of thin air and walked into the bathroom.
How many people and pets can fit into my bathroom? Maybe I should invite the neighbors and have a party.
The hubby hears me messing with the shower thingy and with my patience thin because OH MY GOD, I JUST WANT A FUCKING 5 MINUTE SHOWER IN PEACE, he asks why I’m trying to take a bath when it’s getting so late.
OUT. EVERYBODY OUT OF THE BATHROOM! PLEASE! OUT!
The hubby: Oh, did you want a few minutes?
Maybe 20 years from now, I’ll be able to take a nice, hot, 5 minute shower in peace.
I doubt it but maybe.