I just want a f*cking shower.

psycho11

I would think the weekends would be the perfect time to get a nice shower in but nope. Not only do I have my 4 year-old to contend with, there’s my husband as well.

I try to sneak into the bathroom and almost every time, I’m busted.

My daughter’s usual response is “DON’T TAKE A SHOWER! PLAY WITH ME!!!!! Followed by a little tantrum and some kind of move that involves her down on the carpet, scooting around.

What. The. Fuck?

It’s one of those “Is this really happening???” moments followed by me thinking I’ve been drugged with acid. It’s just a damn shower!

I’ll tell her that I’m smelly and will feel much better if I take a shower, and then after we’ll play as much as she wants. Ummm, yeah, that doesn’t work, ever.

My husband is around most weekends but when I try to get some assistance from him, it’s like he falls off the fucking face of the earth. Where does he go? What is he doing? Does he have a shower radar and he makes himself vaporize when I try to take a shower? Does he slip off into another dimension? Is it the Twilight Zone? Where the fuck does he go? I JUST WANT A SHOWER!

He appears eventually and is met with bitchy wife.

That catches him off guard because by the time I find him, I’m so fed up with being stinky, dirty, and dealing with the hummingbird that my voice goes supersonic and he can’t understand a word I’m saying to him.

Then he replies with “You haven’t taken a shower yet?” and my voice gets so high and squeaky, I’m sure even dogs can’t understand me.

Last weekend was a perfect example.

It was already dark by the time I was in the shower and right before I got in, my 4 year-old walks in the door and tells me she’ll wait for me to be done. Okay, fine, no privacy, no problem, I’m used to it.

Then my 2 cats wander in and sit there in the bathroom. Followed by 4,804,567 questions by my daughter. I’m trying to answers as best as I can while I try to figure out why the tub isn’t draining but filling up with water instead.

Mommy, will you be done soon? Mommy… mommy… mommy?

By this time, the water was up to my ankles and I kept on flipping the shower thingy knob off and on but I couldn’t figure out if it was draining the water.

I had shampoo in my hair that was dripping and burning my eyes, the 20,000,000 question girl waiting for me, and a shower that was quickly becoming a bath.

That’s when my husband finally reappeared out of thin air and walked into the bathroom.

How many people and pets can fit into my bathroom? Maybe I should invite the neighbors and have a party.

The hubby hears me messing with the shower thingy and with my patience thin because OH MY GOD, I JUST WANT A FUCKING 5 MINUTE SHOWER IN PEACE, he asks why I’m trying to take a bath when it’s getting so late.

OUT. EVERYBODY OUT OF THE BATHROOM! PLEASE! OUT!

The hubby: Oh, did you want a few minutes?

YES!

Okay.

ARGGGHHH!

Maybe 20 years from now, I’ll be able to take a nice, hot, 5 minute shower in peace.

I doubt it but maybe.

*Counting Stars

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8 Responses to I just want a f*cking shower.

  1. Pela November 20, 2013 at 20:31 #

    This is precisely why I take my shower at night…late at night…after everyone is in bed…fast asleep…snoring. LOL Even my three cats have no real interest in visiting me then. Maybe, just maybe, someday you really will be able to shower in peace. I hope 🙂

  2. Stephenie Stone November 20, 2013 at 23:03 #

    Oh man, is that a common argument in my house…
    Stephenie Stone recently posted..Tuesday Confessional 11/19My Profile

  3. Leesepea November 21, 2013 at 08:08 #

    And this is why I’m up an hour before everyone else in the house, including the dog who still sleeps in a crate. I. Need. My. Shower. Sometimes SweetPea will get up early and wander in to pee, but the rule is you can’t stay in the bathroom until I’m finished with my shower. Go read, go play, go find your ipad, I don’t care. Just stay out until I’m done with my shower!

    Hope you get a little peace in the shower before the baby bird arrives!
    Leesepea recently posted..And I wonder where she will stay**My Profile

  4. Angie November 21, 2013 at 12:16 #

    Same at my house. I have to turn into a crazy, yelling person to get any peace.
    Angie recently posted..How do you explain death to a 3 year old?My Profile

  5. LeeAnne Curtis November 22, 2013 at 12:07 #

    Hmmmmmm – me wonders if you are paying for your raising?!?! Might ask you Mom how she “survived” taking a shower!!!
    LeeAnne Curtis recently posted..Dress and Capris in sizes 1/2 – 7 by LeeannesCreationsMy Profile

  6. skubitwo November 23, 2013 at 17:25 #

    i am sending this to my niece.
    she just had 3rd baby and recently sent me a scribbly sort of note (handwritten! she is amazing) describing driving down the interstate to one of the new baby checkups while baby is screaming (of course), almost 4 yr old daughter is doing the “why” thing, and almost 2 yr old son has somehow gotten out of car seat (wtf) and is peeing out the van window.
    she needs you.
    she really is a great mom, but some days life is real.
    btw, i did not have a doula for childbirth as i had to have c-sections for both of mine since i wanted live babies, but i did have a doula come several times after i made it home — just to sort of help when i was overwhelmed, and so i could take a shower.
    my mom gave me money for a housekeeper to come 3 times!!!
    like the best baby gift ever.
    hugs
    skubitwo

  7. Kim November 23, 2013 at 21:38 #

    Hah! Yes. Ugh. So very, very yes.
    Kim recently posted..3500 Words. Or, how I failed NaNoWriMo.My Profile

  8. Kate in MI November 25, 2013 at 08:32 #

    Holy crap, do I relate.
    The house can be SILENT — husband w/headphones on, doing work, kids in rooms reading or whatnot, dogs sleeping. I think, “This is it. The moment when I can hop in for my 4-minute shower and get in and out and clean and then get on with my day.”

    Then. I hear “mama?” and the door opens. Then I hear the thumping of little boy feet in the bathroom. Then I hear dog toenails clacking. Then pretty soon, I hear my daughter asking, “What’s going on? Why are you in the bathroom, brother?” Then I start telling everybody to please leave me alone for the 3.5 seconds it takes me to rinse my hair.
    Then HUSBAND senses a disturbance in the Force, and comes to see what’s up. And now, in our tiny bathroom, we have two elementary school kids, two confused dogs, and my husband. And now I can’t even get OUT of the shower because there’s no damned room.

    Finally, I shoo them all out with the threat that I’m actually going to just get out of the shower wet and naked, and if they want that seared into their brains, that’s their own problem. They finally leave.

    And I reach for it, only to find they have somehow, for some mysterious reason, taken the towel.

    *End Scene*
    Kate in MI recently posted..Tales From the (Massage) Table: First, Do No Harm. In Fact, Be Gentle. Really, Really Gentle.My Profile

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