I swear I’m not a cokehead. Just pregnant!

This time around, pregnancy has given me nosebleeds with all that extra blood I’m pumping and a stuffy nose.

So, here I am with the constant sniffles but I want to put a sign on my shirt that says “I swear I’m not a cokehead. Just pregnant!”

The only thing I’ve been snorting are Vicks fumes so I can breathe. I even got one of those stick inhalers that I carry around with me so I won’t be as obvious but who am I kidding.

I’ll be in the makeup aisle at Target, looking to make sure nobody is around, and I start huffing on my Vicks stick. That doesn’t look strange at all.

Yesterday morning, I had quite the party in my pants but unfortunately, not that kind.

I was getting sick, gagging, and dry heaving in the bathroom sink. The toilet was too far. While my 4 year-old stood there watching and asking asking 284,264 questions, I started peeing myself as well.

We’re talking a puddle of pee on the floor. So then I start laughing and can’t stop. While continuing to get sick and having pee drizzle down my leg, I get a bloody fucking nose.

It starts dripping all over the place because I’m gagging so violently and still can’t stop laughing.

It was like a water fountain was going off in my pants and my face was a busted faucet.

Pregnancy is so damn glamourous!

I was finally able to get everything under control and stop all the leakage.

Now, where’s my Vicks?!

What “glamourous” things happened to you when you were pregnant?

*Settle Down

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11 Responses to I swear I’m not a cokehead. Just pregnant!

  1. Angie December 12, 2013 at 19:36 #

    Oh man that is a lot of bodily fluids at once! Pregnancy is so gross sometimes. I hate that I can’t sneeze anymore without worrying I will pee my pants.
    Angie recently posted..A chapter has closedMy Profile

    • Elle December 15, 2013 at 00:57 #

      Oh, I know! It seems even more gross this time around. lol.

  2. Pela December 12, 2013 at 21:16 #

    Oh, good lord woman! You are just getting kicked all around.So, the vicks stick is a great thing. Also get yourself a humidifier (if you don’t already have one or more). Your humidity level should be about 50-60%. Even with all that snow, the air gets extremely dry up there.That should help with your nose bleeds and some stuffiness. I found that the Breathe-Right strips worked wonders. (they make them with Vicks right in them too! BONUS!) I felt like I single handedly kept them in business during both pregnancies. And as for the peeing yourself…about all you can do is laugh. What else can you do at that point. lmao

    • Elle December 15, 2013 at 00:59 #

      A humidifier sounds like a great idea. I’ll try that! 🙂

  3. cyndy December 12, 2013 at 22:43 #

    Pregnancy is so darned glamorous.
    I got the nosebleeds and stuffy nose with my son, I don’t remember having it with my second 2 pregnancies though.
    cyndy recently posted..Jingle All the Way ~~ Old School BloggingMy Profile

    • Elle December 15, 2013 at 01:01 #

      My poor husband… I keep him informed of every gross detail. haha 🙂

  4. Maile December 13, 2013 at 17:02 #

    First of all, Congratulations!

    Second, This made me laugh so hard, because I had the exact same thing happen to me! My husband just walked in to the bathroom and started talking to me as I was gagging in the sink standing in a pool of urine, he was oblivious. I would often gag, barf, gag, cough and then have more barf shoot out of my nose while peeing all over the floor… It’s a good thing I have a large supply of pajama pants because I changed at least 3 times a day…

    • Elle December 15, 2013 at 01:03 #

      Thank you, Maile! Haha, I just recently stocked up on more pajama pants. 🙂

  5. monica December 14, 2013 at 11:13 #

    oh my, woman! you got it ALL ways, eh? hoping your body agrees with you soon! (like as soon as you give birth!) 😉
    monica recently posted..I think I’ve been nice.My Profile

    • Elle December 15, 2013 at 01:00 #

      Lol, thanks Monica! xx

  6. Pattie December 17, 2013 at 09:25 #

    I had a lot of nosebleeds while pregnant, too. I’ve had dry sinuses for years now, and being pregnant just made everything worse sinus-wise. I managed to not pee on myself but came very close while watching and laughing at Hot Tub Time Machine. 🙂
    Pattie recently posted..Faves: Christmas MoviesMy Profile

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