*Pieces taken from real Christmas letters we received, and translated by my demented mind.
Well, 2013 is winding down and what a year it has been. My wife has let herself go and is now a fatass. She is also technologically inept so I had to change her password on her fucking phone.
Our kids don’t give a fuck about us anymore so we don’t know what the hell they’re up to.
This year I had a detached retina and will go into great detail about it and bore you to tears in a separate letter. Our neighbor is dealing with cataracts, which will also be detailed in the same letter.
We were planning a skiing trip at the beginning of the year but I got a bad case of gas and the doctors recommended I keep all of my activities under 3,000 feet.
Our damn hippie neighbor broke into our house because she’s fucking crazy and was looking for her dog. I will spend the next several paragraphs relaying what exactly happened during this incident even though you won’t give a fuck and it will make absolutely no sense whatsoever.
This was a great year for the Tea Party and Sarah Palin. Boy, that woman sure has a brilliant mind.
In May, despite my extreme gas and my recovery from a detached retina, my fatass wife and I ran a marathon. We are awesome and better than you’ll ever be.
Then, in October, I made the annual 50 mile bike ride in San Jose. I have a matching yellow and black outfit and if I do say so, I look great in spandex.
Later that month, we went on a road trip, in an American car obviously, to see my niece’s soccer championship game. Despite it being held at the largest non-Christian YMCA, we had a pretty good time.
At the closing of the year, we finally got those ungrateful bastards, our kids, together to take our super cheesy, proud American, Tea Party Christmas card.
I have to say that I’ve very talented with photography and think this picture card is quite spectacular, despite the weight my fatass wife has gained over the past year.
Many blessings to you and yours,
The Douche Family
*The always incredible Glen Hansard.