Total Recall: All I wanted was a pedicure.

Published May 31, 2013

Damn, my toenails are looking kind of funky. I need to go to the nail salon. I’ll definitely go this weekend.

Okay, I’ll go no later than next Wednesday.

Well crap, I just can’t seem to take my lazy ass to the nail salon. But I will go no later than the end of next week.

Finally… on the way there…

I will only get a pedicure. I will only get a pedicure. No waxing. I won’t let them talk me into getting anything else done. Just a pedicure.

Walks in:

Greeted: Hello, welcome! What you like?

Me: I need a pedicure.

Them: You want fingers done too?

Me: No, thanks. Just the pedicure.

Them: Okay, pick color and go down to seat number 4.

Sits down.

Nail tech: Hello! How are you?

Me: Good, thanks.

Her: You getting fingernails done too?

Me: Umm… no… just a pedicure.

Her: It’s only 10 dollar extra.

Me: No, thank you.

Her: It’s really good for the nail. It won’t take that long. Your nails will look pretty.

Me: Uhh.. umm, well, okay. I’ll get a manicure too.

Her: Oh good! You be looking so sexy!

Me: Uh huh.

Her: Do you need me to wax your eyebrows.

Me: No. I’ll get that done next week.

Her: You sure? Only 5 dollar more?

Me: No, thank you. I’ll just wait.

Her: You look very pretty with eyebrow wax. It won’t take long.

Me: No, really, that’s okay.

Me again: Okay, come to think of it, I should just get them waxed now.

Her. All right. You be so sexy!

Taken back to get waxed.

Her: You want me to do your upper lip too? Just 3 dollar more?

Thinks to self. WHAT THE FUCK? DO I HAVE A MUSTACHE? I’M TRYING TO HAVE A NICE, RELAXING TIME AND THEN THIS LADY IMPLIES THAT I NEED AN UPPER LIP WAXING! WHAT THE FUCK LADY?!

Me: Okay. That would be fine.

Her: Good, good. You look so much better with waxing.

Goes to get fingernails done.

Her: Do you want a design on your nail?

Me: Oh, umm, no thanks.

Her: How about pargabinm?

Me: I’m sorry what?

Her: Paragbinm? 5 dollar more.

Me: *confused look on face* Thinks to self. I’M SUCH A FUCKING IDIOT! WHAT THE FUCK IS SHE ASKING ME? THIS IS SO EMBARRASSING! I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE WHAT SHE’S SAYING! MAYBE I SHOULD JUST SAY YES OR NO.

Me: Yes.

Her: Okay, good. Your hands so dry. I get the paragbinm.

Me: ???

Me: Looks at her bringing back a bag. Duh, she was saying paraffin.

Thinks to self… Holy fucking fuck! This shit is hot!

Her: Is it okay?

Me: Shakes head and through gritted teeth because if I didn’t grit them, I would be screaming THIS SHIT IS FUCKING HOT, I say uhhummm. Good.

To self. MOTHERFUCKER!

Her: Okay, go wash hands.

A minute later…

Walks to the front desk.

Her: Let’s see. That will be 548,932 dollars.

Me: To self: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! IT WAS ONLY 5 DOLLARS HERE AND 3 DOLLARS THERE!!

Me: Here you go… *hands over card*

Her: Bye. You look so pretty!

Me: Thanks! Bye!

Walks to car. Thinks to self, I can’t believe I just spent that much money and all I was going to get was a pedicure. Next time, I’m just sticking with a pedicure. How hard can it be to say no to the extras?

2 weeks later…

Her: You want me to wax the hairs on the side of your face. 5 dollar more and I’ll wax your sideburns.

To self. SIDEBURNS! THIS LADY IS SAYING I HAVE SIDEBURNS!! FUCKITY FUCK!

*Stubborn Love

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One Response to Total Recall: All I wanted was a pedicure.

  1. Leslee March 26, 2014 at 17:38 #

    Hysterical and spot on! I think we’ve all experienced this, yet you wrote it perfectly. Awesome!
    Leslee recently posted..Birthday TreatsMy Profile

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