The promiscuous parakeet and the nympho cat.

When my husband and I first got married, we lived in an apartment that only allowed pets like fish or birds. I don’t know why but we decided to get a parakeet. I’ve never really cared for birds — with their chirping and squawking and their flappy wings flap flap flapping around.

The first parakeet we got was Alfalfa and he was this pretty blue bird. We said we would just have one bird so of course less than a week later, I wanted another one. My husband and I had been in a pet shop and spotted this gorgeous lavendar and white parakeet. That bird’s name was Raptor.

So, Alfalfa and Raptor took over our house pretty quick and the would love to fly into our living room and sit on top of the window curtains while pooping all over.

Yeah, I was not thrilled and found that a bird as a pet was not for me. While we were finding them a new home, we found that Raptor was quite the slut.

One night, Raptor was perched on my husband’s finger and stared rubbing up against his thumb.

We thought “Awwww, how cute. The bird’s being so affectionate”.

Raptor kept on rubbing against his thumb and started making this weird chirping.

We looked at each other and started cracking up. This freaky deaky bird was masturbating. On my husband’s hand.

Ewww.

After that, Raptor would find whatever it was to rub up against whenever her was out of his cage and would go to town. Against our file cabinet, books on the desk, our pencil holder, anything.

We finally found a new home for the birds and said goodbye to the little horn dog.

Not long after, we moved into another apartment that allowed cats and got our kitty, Zira, who we had for over 14 years. We didn’t get her fixed until about a year after we got her so she was in heat a few times.

I don’t know what the hell it was but when she was in heat, the sound of my voice drove her crazy. For some fucked up reason, it got her excited.

Ewww.

Each time it lasted for several days and no matter what came out of my mouth, Zira would be cat moaning MEOWR RRR MEOOWWW.

It was funny but annoying as hell.

Example:

Hubby: Hey, I’m home!

Me: Hey!

Cat: MEW MEW RAWRRR

Hubby: Any plans for dinner?

Me: I was thinking…

Cat: MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWRRRRR

Me: we could have…

Cat: MEOW RAWR MEOWWW

Me: Zira, stop it!

Cat: MEOOOOOWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR RRR RRRR

Me: pizza.

Cat: MEOWWWWWWWWWWW OWWWWW OWWWWW RRRRRR

Even after she got fixed, she was like that for a few more years. As crazy as it made me at the time, looking back, it was fucking hilarious.

*Silverspun Pickups

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