When my husband wants to drag me out into the wilderness to go camping, I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s planning to kill me and I start thinking about who I want to play us in the Lifetime movie, Camping With A Killer.

We stopped by Stephen King's house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

We stopped by Stephen King’s house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

I would hope someone like Jennie Garth would play me but the way things are going for him, it would probably be Shia LaBeouf in a blond wig. I think Kanye West would be a fantastic choice for the role of my husband because Kanye is so damn angry all the time and you need that kind of drama in a Lifetime movie. Could you imagine?

Hey, honey, let’s roast some marshmallows and make some s’mores.

I don’t wanna make any fucking s’mores, damn it!! I’m Kanye West!!! I’m THE MOST CREATIVE person in the world.

Ummm, okay, how about if we go kayaking?


Well, then, can you read the hummingbird a bedtime story?

No, no I can’t! I AM SHAKSPEARE IN THE FLESH! I don’t need books to read. I’m KANYE! I’m YEEZUS, BABY!

Yes, yes we need Kanye for my Lifetime movie. Talk about ratings gold.

So, anyway, my husband had his birthday recently and wanted to go camping for a few days. He saved his ass by reserving a cabin for us instead of actually sleeping in a tent.

I still got eaten alive by bugs, we didn’t have any air conditioning, and we reeked of bug spray, sunscreen, and smoke from the fire so I still considered it camping.

The second day that we were there, we hung out by the lake for most of the day. Next to us were 2 couples who had about 8 or 9 kids between them and I was in awe over how laid back they were.

We dubbed one of them “the chill couple”.

With just my 5 year-old, I admit I can be a helicopter mom so seeing the chill couple was fascinating. Nothing their kids did seemed to phase them. Chill couple gave their kids money when they asked for it, and the kids came back with a ginormous bucket of cotton candy and ring pops. Their kids asked if it was okay if they ate it now and chill couple was all suuure.

They were the kind of parents I wish I could be as far as not having anything phase me. I worry about everything when it comes to the hummingbird. I thought it would get better as she got older but I worry more now that she’s out in the real world a little more. And don’t even get me started about her beginning kindergarten in the fall and all the worry I have about that. Eeek!

Anyway, nothing ever bothered chill couple the whole afternoon, no matter if their kids whined, were fighting, or however many times they yelled out Watch! Watch this!! from the lake.

As we were driving back to our cabin that night, my husband let me in on a little secret of chill couple.

He told me they had been slamming back beers since early that morning.

AHA! The secret to chill parenting is lots and lots and lots of alcohol. Duh!

The hummindbird caught a fish.

The hummindbird caught a fish.

I actually had a really nice time once the shock of the wilderness and being eaten alive by horse flies and mosquitoes wore off. Sidenote: Moose have been in the news more frequently here as far as being involved in car accidents. They said the reason they’re more prevalent in the summer is because more cars are on the road AND the summer bugs of Maine drive moose crazy so they run out of the woods into the roads here.

So, yeah, 1,000 pound moose are driven so crazy by the damn bugs here which is why they run into the roads. Now I don’t feel so bad about bitching so much when it comes to the bug bites I get just from being outside a few minutes because even big ass moose can’t handle it.

On the way back home, it took a few hours to get back into civilization and wi-fi and we drove through a really small town that had signs on either side of the street. To the left. Vote Yes! A few feet after that: Vote no!

On the right: Vote YES! Vote no!

We had no idea what this tiny town was voting over but they had the yes and no signs on both sides of the street for at least a mile and it was like watching a tennis match.

Then the husband and I were talking about some of the things we did as kids to our parents. I forgot how that even came up but we agreed that one of the worst things we did was when we would go out shopping with our moms. Back then, they had circular clothes racks and the hubby and I were talking about what a kick we got out of hiding in the middle of the rack.

As I would hear the panic grow in my mom’s voice as she would be calling my name and looking for me, I would be in the clothes rack, giggling like crazy. The hubby also had fond memories of doing that to his mom.

We talked about some more bad behavior like that and that’s when I came to the conclusion that we were total assholes. If the hummingbird ever pulled that on me, unlike the chill couple, I would probably have a heart attack.

Once we finally got home, I actually missed our little cabin but after firing up my laptop and the television, I soon got over that. But, yes, we had fun. And I came out of it alive.

Sorry, Lifetime.

What are you doing this summer?

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8 Responses to When my husband wants to drag me out into the wilderness to go camping, I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s planning to kill me and I start thinking about who I want to play us in the Lifetime movie, Camping With A Killer.

  1. Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife July 16, 2014 at 22:42 #

    I try so hard to be the “chill” parent, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t but your husband’s observation is correct when it does happen it’s usually because of the alcohol.

    For our summer vacation, we’re heading to Maine!! My family, my sister’s family, & our mom rented a house in Harpswell. (I have NO idea where that is in relation to you.) The husband and I spent a few days in Portland two years ago and loved it so I’m excited to go back up with our family for a longer stay. Any tips or must do/see things? I’m already all over lobster topped lobster.
    Jennifer @ Also Known As…the Wife recently posted..There Is No Dress Code For MotherhoodMy Profile

    • Elle August 5, 2014 at 23:29 #

      The hummingbird loves the children’s museum in Portland, There’s also a great park we like there called Deering Oaks. 🙂

  2. Ribena Tina July 17, 2014 at 04:37 #

    The crow things on top of the railings at Stephen King’s house completely freak me out….

    Like you, I do not know how to be a chill parent; Beautiful B is grateful for the boundaries I set her when she was small now….or so she tells me.
    Ribena Tina recently posted..Grey or whiteMy Profile

  3. Naomi July 17, 2014 at 11:28 #

    Allergies and eczema, that’s what we’re doing this summer. We’re also playing with the neighbor and going swimming a lot.

  4. Lisa July 17, 2014 at 12:37 #

    Guaranteed they were slamming back beers all morning. Or pills. Or maybe the beer/pill combo.

  5. My Special Kind of Crazy July 17, 2014 at 14:01 #

    Oh, the hiding in the middle of the clothes rack!!!! I remember that. One time my mom, who was definitely chill, after looking for me a bit, just said, “well, one less mouth to feed. I’m going home.”
    I try to be the chill mom and I think for the most part I do a good job. I want my kids to be able to ride their bikes down the block without me following close behind. My parents used to give us money and we’d ride our bikes to the corner store to buy a butt load of candy each Sunday during our summers at the beach. Going to a store. On our bikes. No helmets. usually no shoes. a mile away (so, a long corner away).
    Media has made “bad things happen to kids” look like it has skyrocketed since we grew up- but statistically it’s not changed. We just like to sensationalize the bad sh*t.
    Doesn’t mean I didn’t freak the freak out when I looked out the window and my 1 1/2 year old was ACROSS THE STREET in our neighbors front yard….
    My Special Kind of Crazy recently posted..I Went Away For The Weekend And Sh*t Looked Like It Hit The Fan. Literally.My Profile

  6. Dan Urbanski Jr July 18, 2014 at 19:08 #

    Your words draw a picture that draws me in… You think your overprotective I want to bubble wrap my little girl

    • Elle July 18, 2014 at 19:42 #

      That would be awesome. Our daughters wrapped in bubble wrap… with air holes of course. 😉

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