50 Shades Of Grey: I’m Reading This Craptacular Book So You Don’t Have To. You’re Welcome.

I know, I know. Many seem to LOVE this cringeworthy, hot mess of a so-called book. Me? I’ve tried reading it twice and was only able to barely make it through the first few pages. But the movie is coming out next year and stars Mr. Hottie McHotster, Jaimie Dornan.

And yes, I will absolutely, positively see this craptastic masterpiece of a movie when it comes out on Netflix. Because I have a 5 year-old and have pretty much forgotten what a movie theater looks like.

I first noticed this gorgeous man, Jaimie Dornan, in Marie Antoinette, playing Count Fersen. Whooo! Is it getting hot in here? And I remember some scenes where he was grinding up against the lucky, lucky Kirsten Dunst.

Yeah, it is hot in here.

Now, I’m not a book snob by any means. I mean hello, I look forward to my US Weekly coming in the mail every week and may even do a happy dance when I see it. But 50 Shades Of Grey is pretty fucking awful. And that’s putting it mildly.

So, a few days ago I gave myself a little talk. I said “You know what, me? This craptastic book must be read! It’s not like you need to read it for the movie or anything. You must read it for the laughs.”

Keep in mind. There are a few universal truths:

1. Laughter really is the best medicine.

2. You need those guilty pleasures because life can be a pain in the ass.

3. Jaimie Dornan is such a hottie.

Now, this is where you may or may not come in. I would love for us to read this “book” together. And no, I won’t judge you if you’ve already read it. Or maybe even liked it. Okay, I probably will judge you but that’s besides the point. I promise not to hold it against you.

We need to read this book together, have some laughs, and snark the shit out of it.

I will try my best to give weekly updates on it and you are more than welcome to do the same. Whether you put your take on it in the comment section of my blog, on my FB page, or if you have your own blog and aren’t worried about your readers and/or family members questioning your life choices and sanity.

Whatever the case may be, if I have your permission, I’ll include your views of this book in the updates or link the post you write on your blog.

So, who’s with me?

Don’t worry, if you’re all for it and want to participate but then decide not to, no big deal.

So, ladies… this week, we will be reading the first 4 chapters.

Remember, Jaimie Dornan is counting on us!

Oh my, excuse me while I stick my head in the freezer and cool off.

Hot damn, this man is fine!

Hot damn, this man is fine!

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7 Responses to 50 Shades Of Grey: I’m Reading This Craptacular Book So You Don’t Have To. You’re Welcome.

  1. Charlie August 29, 2014 at 17:09 #

    Ok so I’ve read it (actually all 3 books!) and yes they are appallingly written, but I did quite enjoy them and the escapism!!

    I am definitely not a book snob and will read any old crap if it’s entertaining!

    Will look forward to your thoughts…

    • Elle August 29, 2014 at 17:16 #

      Yeah, I have a feeling I’ll get hooked on this book. lol

      Promise not to tell anyone else (hehe), but out of the handful of books I’m reading right now, one is Kate Gosselin: How She Fooled The World and I’m loving the crap out of it. 😉

  2. Erin Ahrens August 30, 2014 at 09:29 #

    This is your spoiler alert… If you have not finished the first of the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy, stop here now. I am going to give away a bit of this books’ ending.

    IT WAS HORRIBLE! That’s as much as I’ll give away. Here’s my take on it. The publisher probably got this huge book, and said, we need to break it up into three parts so that we can make more money off this. Sadly, the publishing house did a sucky job of breaking the book up, and the ending of the first book really seems like it should be the beginning of the second book. I like for each book or movie to be a stand alone piece of work. This is not. This leaves you hanging like you lost the rest of the pages in the book.

    Second, I abhor usage of intricate verbiage just for the sake of sounding prolifically intelligent. (See what I did there?) Sounded more stupid than if I just said, something about how the books’ writing was unnecessarily stuffed with writing that would be better suited for a non erotic book. It was like trying to class up a porn movie with less cheesy music. And don’t judge. You know what I am talking about, and if you don’t want to fess up, that cheesy music will haunt you during your next MUZAK moment in a Walmart bathroom. (It happened to me once. I swear, I was in Florida, and my car had a tire blow out, and by some weird coincidence, I was sitting in a Walmart bathroom and hearing this music that sounded sooooo familiar. It dawned on me, and I was still shaken and grateful for being alive after the frightening ordeal I had experienced a short time before, and then found it haunting to have creepy/cheesy porn MUSAK playing while I tried to poo. True Story.)

    And finally, the word, “hitched.” First, it is over used, and if you ask me, it was only put in the book so that people like me would try to make a drinking game out of it. Like, every time it is used, take a swig… The author kept referring to some one’s breath hitching. I came up with at least 6 synonyms, and all could have been rotated on an as need basis every 100 pages. The use every twenty pages caused me angst and frustration that the editor didn’t try to stop her. Well, this would be the same editor that screwed up the whole book separation, so at this point, I suppose my expectations should drop a few notches.

    So, I thought the end of the first book was a good point to stop and do this little review. I hope I haven’t spoiled it for you. (Or ruined your next visit to the bathrooms in Walmart.)

    PS I thought up a few fun ideas that could go horribly wrong to try out in the bedroom with my hubby. Luckily, after thinking through all of them, I will stick to “vanilla.”

    Handcuffs- that’s obvious.. I lose my own car keys and the kids usually have to find those for me. Not sure how to ask the kids to search for lost handcuff keys without having to ‘splain that to the therapist.

    Swing- We have that, and it was retired post baby number one. (There is a weight limit to those suckers.) Apparently, I have exceeded the maximum weight. I think the I bolt in the master bathroom doorway isn’t supposed to cause splitting in the wood. Just a casual observation.

    Whips and Chains and Floggers- First of all, not sure about the difference between all of them, but chains seem unnecessary. Since I can’t open the pickle jar most days, I think chains are overkill. Whips seem painful, and from the description in the book on floggers, I think it has many little whips at the end that might get knotted together, and that would cause me to obsessively compulse to distraction over that being unknotted and straight. Mood killer- like a kid who walks in rubbing a sleepy eye asking what “that noise” was. (More therapy.)

    Gag- I have to much to say, and this would certainly be disarming for Geoff since he needs me to tell him every step of what I want done, how I want it done, when I want it done, etc. Because if I don’t, it won’t be done the way I want it done. And the way I want it done, is usually how it gets done. This would be difficult if used on him as I never needed an object to quiet him. Therefore, it would be a waste of money, and that would also kill the mood. (for mood killer, See above newly awoken child in search of the “noise” that work her. Bless her heart. I feel bad about that time.)

    Thus far, it appears that I am not as much fun in the bedroom as I thought I would be at this stage of my life. This saddens me. But only because I pride myself in my originality in life. And I only will eat vanilla ice cream as a means to eat other things, i.e. fudge, nuts, caramel, etc. So, if I equate this to my intimate life with my husband, I should accept my vanilla-ness, and throw some nuts on top. Wait, that’s not right.. or is it? (I’m totally staying away from the fudge. I got jokes.)

    (This was posted to my blog two summers ago.) BTW- LOVED the story, not the writing, and don’t think I even want to see the movie- but more than likely, will ;o)

  3. Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife September 1, 2014 at 13:54 #

    I read this right around the time it was all the rage (the cool kids still say that right?). It was painful but so terrible I couldn’t put it down and then I bought and read the two other books. E.L. James make Stephanie Meyer look like a Nobel Laureate. I don’t know if I can re-read this but I will definitely look forward to your reviews.
    Jennifer @ Also Known As…the Wife recently posted..Success!My Profile

  4. Angie September 2, 2014 at 13:55 #

    My friends love 50 Shades, but I have no desire. Maybe if I read it as a comedy instead of an erotic novel I could get through it. Now, that Kate Gosselin book I may read. I have always wanted to know the truth about her.
    Angie recently posted..Almost Fall Racing SeasonMy Profile

  5. Tarynn Playle September 18, 2014 at 02:51 #

    Ha! Those books were rough! The writing, the story, ugh! I read the first one just out of curiosity. With the cliffhanger at the end, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, I ended up finishing the other two and hated myself a little more each day for it. Also, it takes place in Seattle and as a resident, it’s obvious the author hasn’t set foot in WA. All of that said, my son is a “50 Shades Kid”. Ugh! I’m the worst!
    Tarynn Playle recently posted..A Semi-Modest Breastfeeding MamaMy Profile

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  1. 50 Shades Of Shit: Well, I Got Through More Than A Few Pages This Time Around | This Is Mommyhood - December 11, 2014

    […] was supposed to start reading this book a while back and snark the shit out of it. In my quest to find enough things to trash in this […]

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