50 Shades Of Shit: Well, I Got Through More Than A Few Pages This Time Around

fifty-shades-of-grey-trilogy1I was supposed to start reading this book a while back and snark the shit out of it. In my quest to find enough things to trash in this trashy “book”, I, um, well, read the whole thing.

Fuuuuck.

Then, I went on to read the second book.

Fuuuuuuck.

Now, I’m reading the last crappy book in this 50 Shades Of Shit trilogy.

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I don’t know what happened. OMG, who am I anymore? I have some amazing, can’t wait to read books just waiting for me on my Kindle and I’ve been stuck on 50 Shades Of WTF.

The writing is cringeworthy but I somehow got sucked into it. Yes, I’m ashamed! It was such mindless entertainment that I really needed since going back to school has been so stressful.

Maybe I’m more of a kinky bitch than I’ve ever realized but I didn’t find too much of what was in the book to be that shocking. The shit that got me turned on was Christian letting Anastasia sleep in. What? You mean, Ana doesn’t have to deal with a little person saying Mom? MOM? MOOOOOM?! WAKE UP!

Then, Ana leisurely walks into the great room without walking every few feet picking up toys and kids clothes. There’s Grey’s maid, Mrs. Jones, who cooks her breakfast and even makes her lunch. Oh, really now?

This bitch, Anastasia Steele doesn’t have to hear Moooom! I’m sooooo hungry now. I’m huuuungry!

Nope. The bitch eats in peace and quiet. She doesn’t have to deal with telling her kids to EAT. RIGHT. NOW., have them take two bites and have the kids say BUT I’M SO FULL. I CAN’T EAT ANYMORE.

Oh yes, yes you can. You did not get me up at 6 am saying your ass is starving and you can’t take it anymore because you are so damn hungry. Oh, hell no! You are not taking two little bites of food and proclaiming that your stomach hurts so you can’t eat any more. Nope. Nope. Nope.

So, where was I?

Oh yeah, poor little Anastasia Steele. I’m not jealous of all the sex she got. I’m fucking jealous of the times she would wake up with Christian Grey already gone and would have to deal with a few “awkward silences” with the maid.

The peace and quiet, the awkward silences, and the intimate dinners she would have with Grey are the things that got me all hot and bothered.

The one thing that would truly make me laugh out loud was whenever butt plugs were mentioned… because I have the humor of a 12 year-old.

The second book in the series was eh. More sex, crazy ex sub with a gun, butt plugs that were never used, a boss that wanted Ana who Christian beat up, and now the ex boss is exacting revenge in the third book where Ana and Christian are newlyweds. AND they still call each other Mr. Grey… Mrs. Grey… seriously?

I thought Ana’s inner goddess and subconscious was lame and mentioned way too much. She’s always thinking about what her inner goddess/subconsious is doing and you want to punch the goddess in the face.

I’m not that far into the third book but there’s been arson at Grey’s HQ which I’m thinking is Ana’s former boss’ doing. But I’m sure it really doesn’t matter because the books pretty much follow this format…

These two fuck like rabbits, fight, pout, fuck, eat, fuck, fight, pout, fuck, eat, fight, fuck, cry, fuck, eat, pout, and fuck.

And there you have it!

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6 Responses to 50 Shades Of Shit: Well, I Got Through More Than A Few Pages This Time Around

  1. Brandyn Blaze December 11, 2014 at 11:30 #

    Oh my gosh, you cracked me up! I loved those boos…precisely because it was mindless entertainment! Sometimes I just want to turn off my over-thinking bastard of a brain, and trashy romance novels are great for that…of course then I follow it up by reading something “serious” to ease my guilt!
    Brandyn Blaze recently posted..Happy Blogversary To Me!My Profile

    • Brandyn Blaze December 11, 2014 at 11:32 #

      *Books….ugh, the moment you see a typo as you click “submit comment”

  2. Elisa December 11, 2014 at 13:43 #

    LOL. Great review. I completely agree with your characterization of the books and I also totally understand why you read them 🙂 I have a feeling if the sequels were on my shelf I’d be reading them instead of birth prep books or The Heart of Darkness which I’ve been meaning to read since grad school…
    Elisa recently posted..My Night OwlMy Profile

  3. Jennifer @ Also Known As...the Wife December 11, 2014 at 14:46 #

    Dude, I read the first book because I got it for free. Yeah…it’s like a drug…first taste’s free and then $20 to Barnes & Noble later you’re reading about butt plugs wrapped as birthday gifts.

    Where did my life go wrong??
    Jennifer @ Also Known As…the Wife recently posted..“We’re All Americans”My Profile

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