How To Shave Your Legs When You’re A Mom

Some of my shower mates that are never this neatly arranged.

Some of my shower mates that are never this neatly arranged.

Step 1: Make sure to put a load of laundry in the washer first. That way, while in the shower, the water pressure and temperature will make for a totally unpredictable and fun showering experience.

Step 2: Less than a minute after you’ve stepped into the shower, your child barges into the bathroom to let you know they are bored.

Step 3: Tell them to give you 5 minutes and you’ll be right out.

Step 4: They answer back with “How long is 5 minutes, mom?”

Step 5: While washing your hair like your arms are on speed, reply with “It’s about the same amount of time that it takes you to use the bathroom, wash your hands, and brush your hair.”

Step 6: Finally alone again, while blinded by shampoo dripping down your face, you step on something hard.

Step 7: When you can see again, you realize what you stepped on is a little, plastic Cinderella. The Cinderella you bought for your 5 year-old at Target because they have them perfectly placed by the check out, on the lowest shelf for little eyes to spot.

Step 8: Pick up the overpriced, plastic Cinderella and try to find a spot to place it on the tub which is crowded with an assortment of several bath toys even though you have a toy mesh bag to hold said toys.

Step 9: Your child comes into the bathroom again, whining that they are SO HUNGRY and need a snack right now. They emphasize this with a few foot stomps.

Step 10: Tell them you’ll be just a few more minutes but if they need a snack right this instant, there is a box of crackers on the kitchen counter.

Step 11: Grab your razor from the shower rack hanging on the shower head. Have the shower rack slide down and almost hit you in the face while you have a mini heart attack.

Step 12: Curse your husband under your breath because you asked him a year ago to fix the shower rack so it doesn’t fall down every single time you shower.

Step 13: Try to find a place to put your foot up on the tub so you can quickly shave your legs.

Step 14: Have your child come in again and let you know they don’t like the crackers that are on the counter and they want sliced apples and peanut butter instead.

Step 15: Tell them that you’ll be just a few more minutes.

Step 16: They tell you it’s already been a few minutes.

Step 17: “Sweetie, I would have been done by now if you would just let mommy hurry up and finish”. This is one of those times where using “sweetie” translates to “Holy fucking hell, kid. My precious child, you’re being a pain in my ass”.

Step 18: Alone again, you can’t find a place to put your foot onto the tub because it’s covered in bath toys but you do find a little spot where you can put a tiny bit of your big toe on. Good enough.

Step 19: Try to balance yourself while putting shaving cream on your legs and holding a sharp razor.

Step 20: Do the “baby deer walking on ice” wobble while trying to maintain your balance when shaving.

Step 21: Have your child come in and say in the sweetest voice “Mommy?” You yell out “WHAT?” 5 year-old: “I made you this.” You can’t see what it is but quickly say “Okay, thanks, be out in a minute!”

Step 22: Wait… did I shave my armpits?

Step 23: Where did I set down the shaving cream?

Step 24: While turning around in the shower to find the shaving cream, step on something squishy and have another mini heart attack. It’s a blue octopus that squirts water out of its mouth.

Step 25: Yay, you’re done shaving.

Step 26: Get out of the shower and find that your child made you a picture of a heart that says “I love you, mom.”

Step 27: Feel ALL the feels, especially the guilt of getting annoyed with your kid because you just wanted a few minutes to shave your legs since you could actually feel the hair on your legs blow around while walking and you could not wait another day to shave but then your child made it nearly impossible to do it and now you feel like shit for raising your voice at them because they made you such a sweet picture and why in the hell don’t they ever bother their father like this when HE is taking a shower?!

Step 28: Go find your child, give them a big hug and kiss, and thank them for the picture they drew for you.

Step 29: Back in the bathroom, get out the lotion to moisturize you newly shaved legs.

Step 30: Find a patch of hair that was never touched by your razor, probably for a good month, on the back of your left leg.

Step 31: Fuck.

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3 Responses to How To Shave Your Legs When You’re A Mom

  1. Monica February 15, 2015 at 17:59 #

    this is so spot on. love it.
    Monica recently posted..Didn’t we do this already?My Profile

  2. Naomi February 18, 2015 at 10:46 #

    We have an electric razor with a part that shaves hairy down to stubble. I use that from time to time so the wind doesn’t tickle so much, and she can stand there and watch.

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