1 Year

It’s been a year since we lost Ben. He would have been 9 months old. I find it hard not to think about how life would be if he was in it.

He would have an adoring older sister who would give him plenty of attention, love, and lots of kisses.

He would be crawling and using one of the cats as a chew toy.

He would have that adorably adorable drool dripping smile.

He would have irresistible chubby baby legs.

For the longest time I was internalizing the grief. But last week I started thinking about him and just sat where I had been standing and was crying for the longest time.

Even though we were supposed to box these up months ago, his clothes are still in my bottom dresser drawer. His crib bedding and swaddling blankets are still in the office closet.

My head is telling me it’s time to accept it and put away his things.

My heart is telling me it’s not ready.

*Just Breathe

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6 Responses to 1 Year

  1. Valerie March 11, 2015 at 15:40 #

    You do not ever have to put them away. Hugs to you and Im so very sorry for your heart ache.

  2. Denise March 11, 2015 at 16:50 #

    “Supposed to”? Who supposed this? Why? When? Why should grieving the loss of a babe be any different that grieving the loss of a parent, or a best friend, or a lover? My Mom died 12 years ago. I still think about her, feel sad about MY loss, cry when I think about all the events she is missing. You are ALIVE and you have feelings of loss. This is normal as long as it does not interfere with your ability to continue to LIVE and LOVE.

  3. Mommabird2345 March 11, 2015 at 18:37 #

    Thinking of you & Ben.

  4. Caitlin March 11, 2015 at 20:22 #

    I’m so, so sorry. I can’t imagine how difficult this is. Thinking of you all. <3
    Caitlin recently posted..Thoughts on Digital HoardingMy Profile

  5. Christa March 12, 2015 at 08:59 #

    You need to do things on your own timeline. Listen to your heart or your head – just listen to yourself. The “he woulds” will never stop being there. I don’t think you ever really *accept* it, exactly. That’s the thing about loss. But it gets easier.
    Christa recently posted..When You Give a Kid a Camera…My Profile

  6. Lisa March 12, 2015 at 11:20 #

    I’m so sorry.

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