An In-Law Visit: Your Ass Will Need A Nap After This

Hola! I’ve been taking a break from my blog for a bit but I’m baaaack. So, my in-laws recently came to visit for 5 days. 5 fucking days of hell. I’m so very jealous of people who have such nice in-laws and get along so well with them.

Can we please trade? No? I don’t blame you.

After a lot of time goes by from their visit, I think “Well, maybe they aren’t so bad after all.” But when they come back to visit, I think yes, yes they sure as hell are!

My mother-in-law, as usual, gave me plenty of her quips and witchy ways and I still don’t get what’s up her ass to be like that towards me.

Example: At breakfast one morning, we had pancakes. I asked the little hummingbird if she’d like syrup on them since she usually does. Simple, right?

But as usual, when I direct a question to my 6 year-old or husband, my MIL always, always, always has to interject.

Me: Little bird, would you like some syrup?

Little bird: That’s okay, I don’t need any.

Me: Are you sure?

Little bird: Yeah.

Mother-In-Law to Me: Aren’t you listening? She can make her own decisions and said she doesn’t want any! Why don’t you just leave her alone?!

Yeah, she got many digs like that in, just like she always does.

My FIL spent most of the time, like every time they visit, lecturing and rambling on. Completely oblivious to the fact that everyone becomes fidgety and bored. This man is like natural ambien.

I actually recorded some of what he was talking about, pretending like I was taking pictures when we were out to lunch one day. It was for the purpose of emailing it to my mom and sister since they are entertained by him but at the same time, can’t believe the shit he talks about.

It’s very difficult to not only follow whatever he’s saying but also impossible to chime in and try to steer his lectures conversation in another direction.

This is just a transcript from the 1 minute 32 second (it went on for 45 minutes) recording I did. And let me tell you, doing this transcript was as exciting as watching grass grow.

I started recording while he was in the middle of talking about whatever the hell he was talking about. I was so tuned out but mostly heard Blah, blah, blah, DNA. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, DNA, blah. It’s like listening to adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons.

Father-In-Law: The authors had incurred their names and some sayings into a DNA. Either 4 letters and you could just use those letters to, um, to represent any letters if you put 2 or 3 together so you can make a code.

And then you can in code your name into it. What he did, uh, he’s done some pretty neat things with DNA and printings so he… his book that he just recently published, and he printed the whole thing and coded into one DNA strand and then he replicated it.

He put 70 billion copies on his book into a single drop of DNA onto this piece of paper that was smaller than a period. 70 billion copies.

The idea is that through DNA, it’s a more efficient way of storing things than the most advanced computers right now.

Here’s how the hummingbird felt about the 45 minute lunch while he was talking.

fil-talking

Me too, hummingbird. Me too.

Have you had to endure any visits from your in-laws recently? 

Updated: In case you’d like to stroll down memory lane, here are a few more of my in-law posts. A Lack Of Boundaries With A Side Of Ranch Dressing, How My MIL Ruined My Wedding And Made Me Want To Set Myself On Fire Just So I Could Get Away From Her Crazy, and When You Wish Upon A Star… And It’s Stuck… Up Where?!

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7 Responses to An In-Law Visit: Your Ass Will Need A Nap After This

  1. Daisy May 1, 2015 at 15:07 #

    To answer your closing question – no, because my in-laws are dead. They were…rather selfish…people, but it didn’t affect us much because they didn’t visit often. They preferred (somewhat selfishly, as a matter of fact) to wait for everyone to come to them, and then hold court. It was a never-ending hair up my late mum-in-law’s ass that her son wouldn’t corral his kids and make them sit at her knee for Bible Stories With Nonnie.

    However, my ex (thank-you-thank-you-all-powers-that-be) did I mention EX mother-in-law continues to try to wreak her own particular form of sick havoc on MY hummingbird (who is all grown up and has a brand new humming-chick of her own). A viciously, poisonously mean person – for no discernible reason other than she seemed to enjoy being that way. It’s a relief that my daughter lives several states away and has no current plans to visit “Grandma X” with the new baby. As she says, “She’s got 16 other ones, I doubt she’ll notice, and I’m okay with that.”

  2. Charlie May 1, 2015 at 18:32 #

    Sorry, I know you suffer for my entertainment- but I LOVE reading your in-law posts! I’m not surprised your Mum & sister enjoy the videos!

  3. Angie May 4, 2015 at 09:39 #

    I will never complain again. 🙂

  4. B.J. Steinhilber May 4, 2015 at 14:05 #

    We just got an email from my MIL stating that it would be nice if we called them at least once a week to update about our week. She then went on to verbally lecture about how her other other son, my husband’s younger brother, calls every Saturday and Sunday (doubt it, it’s one or the other I’m sure). Mind you, he’s in his early 40’s, has never been married let alone been in a serious long term relationship and has no children. She then she went on to say that SHE called her mother and/or in-laws every week until the day they died. Like that is supposed to make us want to call her? When my husband does call her, she doesn’t listen, asks the same stupid questions she always asks to which he’s already supplied an answer but she can’t remember because she wasn’t listening because she was too busy talking about herself.

    Not to mention, we have a very busy schedule. My husband is a firefighter and works 48 hour shifts-straight. Our daughter (the only grandchild) is very involved. She swims on a club team and runs club track for which my husband is the distance coach. So we have meets every weekend. When he explains we’ve been busy he gets the “Oh, I’m busy too. I did waa waa waa waa waa…” Really? You’re retired. Going to exercise class and having your floors cleaned and tile grout sealed to the tune of $600 hundred dollars does not make you busy. Seriously? $600 is my household budget for the month! Why do you feel the need to tell us that?

    Now, the son who calls lives out of state. Good for him for calling. HOWEVER…did I mention they only live 8 miles down the road from us? They can visit anytime but don’t (actually, I’m pleased about that). Oh, and our daughter has swim practice about a mile from their home. Do they come watch? NO! They never come to any of her meets. She’s been doing both for 3 years and I can count on one hand the times they’ve come to any. There is always an excuse. It’s too hot. I don’t feel well, blah blah blah, blee blee blee.

    Not to mention, when we tell her to stop comparing us to what they did she always says she’s not. I’m sorry, does she not read her own emails or listen to the words that come out of her mouth. Oh wait, no, she does not.

    Sorry for the long email. Thanks for letting me vent! I think I need to contribute or start my own blog! 😉

  5. Lisa May 4, 2015 at 14:11 #

    So I read through his “transcript” 3 times and still cannot understand wtf he is talking about. How do you stand it?

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