I’m Not Really Sure What I’m Trying To Say Or If I Even Have A Point So, I Guess It’s Like Anything Else I Write On Here

Obviously, I haven’t been as dedicated to my blog in the last year as I was for the first 4 years. And I’ve been trying to figure out why because I really miss it. I’m still writing but not on here very often. But the other week it hit me. It’s self-doubt, among some other things.

Yes, I may sound like a whiny bitch but when I came across some things last summer about people doubting I was ever pregnant with my son that I lost last year or if I’m even a mom at all what the fuckity fuck?!, that just put a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to writing on my blog and over sharing. I just felt like “fuck this”. I know I’m way too sensitive but it’s hard to accept that there are people like that out there. If I read something I don’t like on a blog, I move on and don’t rip that person to shreds. Especially since there are a billion other blogs to read.

No, not everyone has to love me or what I write but damn, I openly share these things about myself because not only do I feel better when I’m so open… it’s kind of like therapy, I know what it feels like to think you’re the only person out there who’s going through depression, anxiety, the what the fucks of parenting and motherhood, and figuring out what the hell is up with this husband guy I live with and his never ending snoring and grinding of his teeth and lack of talking or talking too much when I have that special one night a year to enjoy The Oscars and the butthead talks all the way through the ceremony and I want to punch him in the balls. Really, hubby? Really? You rarely talk as it is but talk nonstop the one time of year when I’d prefer your usual silence??

So, yeah. I used to think my blog was a safe haven in a way but since last year, I worry about anything I may write and what may possibly be picked apart elsewhere.

But I know I should say fuck it. This type of thing comes along with the territory although knowing there’s a site out there specifically to rip apart women bloggers is unsettling.

The grief I’ve been experiencing more and more from the loss of Ben has also had such an effect on my desire to write. His first birthday would have been June 4th and the closer that date comes, the harder it is to get my ass out of bed and somehow function as best as I can.

We also recently found out that while we have one more year in Maine, the owners are coming back this summer and we have just a few months to find a house, pack, and move by July. And since my husband will be retiring from the Navy next summer, we then have to move again to what we hope will be our permanent home somewhere on the west coast.

I’ve logged into my blog many times to write about each of these things but since knowing that whatever I write may be put under a microscope by others and judged, it sucks. And to be blunt, it’s very hurtful.

But then I think there may still be those who actually read what I write because they like it. At least I hope they do. And that’s exactly who I should put my focus on.

It’s so true how you can have people say 10 positive things about you but it’s the one negative thing that will be what sticks out in your mind.

I need to stop thinking about those who will always have negative things to say or may hate read my blog.

I need to go back to writing the way I used to. Writing without having all of this self-doubt about how others will perceive it.

Fun little fact… I took an Ambien an hour ago so if this doesn’t make a smidgen of sense, there you go!

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8 Responses to I’m Not Really Sure What I’m Trying To Say Or If I Even Have A Point So, I Guess It’s Like Anything Else I Write On Here

  1. Jen May 21, 2015 at 00:06 #

    People can be so cruel!!! Write what you want, when you want.

  2. WeezaFish May 21, 2015 at 00:45 #

    It sucks when something stops you writing. Don’t let it! Just write and to hell with everybody else xx
    WeezaFish recently posted..Settling InMy Profile

  3. Emily May 21, 2015 at 09:10 #

    Wishing us all the ability to turn a deaf ear to a$$holes. No one should be kept from doing the things they love.

  4. Erin Ahrens May 21, 2015 at 21:10 #

    The fun little fact was the cherry on top. ;o) I started working from home just over a year ago, and have stopped writing, and miss it SOOOO much. I never had anyone read it, and did it mostly for the thought that maybe my children will appreciate reading it in years to come. Seriously. You write for you, and if it helps someone, than it did more than you started out to do. I can use a blogger that uses the phrase “fuckity-fuck” since in real life, I never would. I can live vicariously through you ;o) hahahahahaha…

  5. Charlie May 22, 2015 at 01:43 #

    Keep writing! I love your uncensored posts, they make you so real. Ignore the haters. You’re right – who wouldn’t just skip past a post/blogger if they didn’t like their writing?! ‘Normal’ people don’t spew hate! X

  6. Farrah May 26, 2015 at 20:08 #

    Keep writing! I love your posts. I know how hard it is, but ignore the haters. This may not be you…but there was a great article on the Wall Street Journal website about being highly sensitive. It really hit home for me. http://www.wsj.com/articles/do-you-cry-easily-you-may-be-a-highly-sensitive-person-1431971154

  7. Cris May 28, 2015 at 13:15 #

    Don’t let the turkeys get you down!

  8. Jeanne June 2, 2015 at 13:41 #

    Please keep writing!! I have enjoyed your blog very much. Your daughter is beautiful and the lunches you make her… You are an inspiration. Plus, I really love the MIL stories.

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