As Yoda Would Say… Soccer Mom, I Am Not


Okay, Yoda never said anything like that but if he had to use his car as a free taxi service and shuffle his kids around from activity to activity while they whined about being hungry, tired, mad about being rushed out of the door because they’re moving as slooow as slugs, etc., he’d be over that shit pretty quick.

Let me just start by saying, my 6 year-old hummingbird has a natural athletic ability that leaves me so proud and in absolute awe. Like I tell others, she may be small but my girl has spunk.

And yes, while I can say no to her doing an extracurricular activity, it can sneak up on me and before I know it, she’s involved in a buttload of things.

I’m all for the other activities she does… except soccer. For some reason, it makes me irrationally stabby. I’m fine with her gymnastics class, especially after being rid of the Type A mom master, and I love her ice skating classes. It doesn’t hurt that her dad usually takes her to ice skating while I’m snoozing in my warm and cozy bed. But, just like last year, I dread being a “soccer mom”.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing my little girl kick some ass on the field. I just find it much more pleasant watching her play soccer in our backyard. She’s more confident about being on a soccer team this year which is awesome and helps soothe my nerves since I don’t have to drag her kicking and screaming to her soccer games. I just find myself being the one who gets whiny when it comes to going to soccer practice and games this time around.

I don’t want to sit my ass out in the hot sun… soon to be the freezing cold and rain and snow… for an hour. I don’t want to be outside when I can be lounging on my couch on a Saturday morning, reading my mindless and very welcome US Weekly without pants and a bra. I don’t want to sign up for snack duty and feed 10 kids instead of just my own.

What’s up with that anyway? When I participated in sports as a kid, I felt like I won the snack lottery from saving my allowance and scoring a hot dog at the snack shack at the little league baseball field. Even a cup of cold water from a thermos that my coach brought along made me feel like I struck gold.

So, in other words, BAH-FUCKING-HUMBUG, soccer!

Who knows, maybe the little hummingbird won’t want to bother with soccer next year. One can hope. In the meantime, I will start pinning plenty of varieties of spiked hot chocolate to possibly take along with me to upcoming soccer games.

That’s what I call getting into the spirit of the game. Yeah, such a bad pun. Ahem, I’ll see myself out.


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5 Responses to As Yoda Would Say… Soccer Mom, I Am Not

  1. Erin Ahrens September 21, 2015 at 23:27 #

    I have a new low-carb drink.. an ounce of spiced rum, a tablespoon of heavy cream, and a cup of diet root beer. Tastes like an root beer float. But better. WAY better. Happy soccer season!

    • Elle September 21, 2015 at 23:35 #

      I am all over that! Thanks! I’ll have to replace the rum with vodka because of a very dumb incident on my part when I was 14 that led me incapable of ever drinking rum ever, ever again but that’s another story. Anyway, lol, alcohol is alcohol, amiright? xoxo

  2. Angie September 23, 2015 at 10:56 #

    I remember when we played soccer, you were given orange slices at half time and a Hi-C juice box after the game. Now I have to find all these pinteresty snacks and drinks to give the girls after the game when all I want to do is hand them a cookie and try to beat the traffic out of the parking lot. But, my daughter has fun.

    I like the spiked hot chocolate idea. It doesn’t get too cold in Florida during soccer season, but I think I can make it work.

  3. Lisa September 23, 2015 at 11:48 #

    Once, ONCE, I forgot it was my turn for after game snack. I thought I’d have to be helicoptered out of there.

  4. Susan September 26, 2015 at 17:48 #

    Best day of the year when my kids stopped playing soccer, never on time, freezing cold, leagues with only one good coach so all the other teams lose and never get any better. My son got a concussion from running into a kid twice his size. Another was always getting elbowed in the head. Only good thing about soccer is the kids come home exhausted!

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