Inconvenient

The Cycle Of Depression.

~~~~~

Things are fine.

I’ve just been feeling a little tired.

I’m so proud of my daughter and my husband seems to get me.

I’m starting classes in a few months and feeling a little nervous about my age.

I feel so old but who the hell cares.

This is big for me and I’m feeling pretty good.

But there’s a creeping sadness that I can’t seem to shake.

Maybe if I got to the gym an extra day this week, I’ll feel better.

~~~~~

I went to bed early last night but it doesn’t feel like I got much sleep.

There’s a tightness in my chest that seems to last most of the day.

There are a few times a day when I have a feeling of dread and I can’t seem to catch my breath at times because of the panic that has been seeping into me.

I want to talk about it with my husband but I know he won’t understand.

~~~~~

I don’t want to get out of bed.

I was up most of the night reading and watching Friends to take my mind off the anxiety and racing heart every time I tried to go to sleep last night.

I couldn’t stop thinking about the time I was 16 and was doing some really stupid shit.

Why couldn’t I have been a better kid?

And why did I treat my mom like shit and say what I did when I was 23?

I have no idea how I still have people in my life that deal with me.

I can be so selfish and ungrateful.

~~~~~

My classes are coming up soon.

I have no idea what I was thinking when I thought I could go back to school.

I can’t even find enough time to keep the house up and running.

I need to get more sleep but I keep waking up.

Last night I was thinking about how I yelled at my daughter that morning because we were running late for school.

That was so shitty of me.

Tonight when I was kissing her good night, she hugged me tight and told me she loved me in her sweet little voice.

Why can’t I be a better mother?

~~~~~

My husband took my daughter out ice skating Sunday morning and I slept in until 10 am.

Despite that, I’m exhausted.

I’m still not out of bed and it’s noon.

I can’t believe I didn’t go with them to watch my daughter ice skate.

She didn’t seem to mind but I should have gone anyway.

I feel like a burden.

I’m like some inconvenient thing to everyone I know.

My life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere and I shouldn’t even take those classes next month.

Nothing really matters and everything I do seems inconsequential.

~~~~~

I don’t even know why I bother.

~~~~~

My daughter read a little story she wrote this morning.

It felt nice to smile again and mean it.

I wish I could be a better mom to my sweet girl.

My husband deserves a better mother for our child.

But I know I’m doing my best.

~~~~~

I finally got more than a few hours sleep last night.

If this keeps up, maybe I can make it to the gym in a few days.

I talked with my husband about the panic attacks I was having and while he didn’t seem to get it, I feel better that I said something.

~~~~~

I was in the kitchen this afternoon and turned on some music.

It felt good to dance around the kitchen and have a little fun.

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6 Responses to Inconvenient

  1. Lisa December 11, 2015 at 15:42 #

    Anxiety is a MF.

  2. Charlie December 11, 2015 at 22:10 #

    Hugs x

    • Erin ahrens December 12, 2015 at 20:19 #

      Sucks. Just that simple. Each of us needs to find what works for us, but there is never one thing that works for all of us, nor does it seem that what might work out once, will work out again . But talking about it helps. And no matter how shitty a parent or wife you feel like, depression lies, and I promise, recognizing it makes you aware that you are not that depression, or even what it does to you. You are still in there. And who you are, is exactly who you should be, and with the people you are with. I am sorry you are struggling.

  3. Rachel-Ann December 14, 2015 at 20:31 #

    I hear ya. I know some of it is the pregnancy hormones. But getting out of bed some days. Is just a bitch. Hang in there. Remeber there is always people to reach out too, even when you feel to tired to do just that.

  4. Notmyyearoff December 16, 2015 at 08:36 #

    You are the best mum and wife, and you will sail through those classes E. Sending you hugs xx

  5. Martin@ Ceiling Fans Select January 5, 2016 at 09:24 #

    So admirable! You are a great wife. Keep up your good work and I wish you all the best. Thanks for your sharing.
    Martin@ Ceiling Fans Select recently posted..5 Steps to Play Vinyl Album On A Record PlayerMy Profile

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