The Cycle Of Depression.
Things are fine.
I’ve just been feeling a little tired.
I’m so proud of my daughter and my husband seems to get me.
I’m starting classes in a few months and feeling a little nervous about my age.
I feel so old but who the hell cares.
This is big for me and I’m feeling pretty good.
But there’s a creeping sadness that I can’t seem to shake.
Maybe if I got to the gym an extra day this week, I’ll feel better.
I went to bed early last night but it doesn’t feel like I got much sleep.
There’s a tightness in my chest that seems to last most of the day.
There are a few times a day when I have a feeling of dread and I can’t seem to catch my breath at times because of the panic that has been seeping into me.
I want to talk about it with my husband but I know he won’t understand.
I don’t want to get out of bed.
I was up most of the night reading and watching Friends to take my mind off the anxiety and racing heart every time I tried to go to sleep last night.
I couldn’t stop thinking about the time I was 16 and was doing some really stupid shit.
Why couldn’t I have been a better kid?
And why did I treat my mom like shit and say what I did when I was 23?
I have no idea how I still have people in my life that deal with me.
I can be so selfish and ungrateful.
My classes are coming up soon.
I have no idea what I was thinking when I thought I could go back to school.
I can’t even find enough time to keep the house up and running.
I need to get more sleep but I keep waking up.
Last night I was thinking about how I yelled at my daughter that morning because we were running late for school.
That was so shitty of me.
Tonight when I was kissing her good night, she hugged me tight and told me she loved me in her sweet little voice.
Why can’t I be a better mother?
My husband took my daughter out ice skating Sunday morning and I slept in until 10 am.
Despite that, I’m exhausted.
I’m still not out of bed and it’s noon.
I can’t believe I didn’t go with them to watch my daughter ice skate.
She didn’t seem to mind but I should have gone anyway.
I feel like a burden.
I’m like some inconvenient thing to everyone I know.
My life doesn’t seem to be going anywhere and I shouldn’t even take those classes next month.
Nothing really matters and everything I do seems inconsequential.
I don’t even know why I bother.
My daughter read a little story she wrote this morning.
It felt nice to smile again and mean it.
I wish I could be a better mom to my sweet girl.
My husband deserves a better mother for our child.
But I know I’m doing my best.
I finally got more than a few hours sleep last night.
If this keeps up, maybe I can make it to the gym in a few days.
I talked with my husband about the panic attacks I was having and while he didn’t seem to get it, I feel better that I said something.
I was in the kitchen this afternoon and turned on some music.
It felt good to dance around the kitchen and have a little fun.