My Vagina Will Pass On That For Now

Since we’ve moved into our new house, we found that the former owners receive a ton of catalogs. Not just a few here or there. We’re talking sometimes 5 a day. They really liked to shop, apparently.

There’s the faux fur that will make you choke at the prices catalog. The fake Victorian ugly overpriced stuff catalog that doesn’t look like it’s Victorian in any way and the prices will make you choke catalog. Pets are fancy and we have overpriced shit for you to buy for them catalog. And, then there’s the I’m getting older and my vagina is drying out plus I pee myself but lets buy a fancy vibrator catalog.

Let’s say it’s called The Golden Girls catalog. I love that show. Blanche Devereaux would approve of the ultra fancy vibrators in this catalog. I never knew vibrators could be so ultra fancy and sleek in design like these are, and the prices will make you go OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!

One thing that caught my eye in The Golden Girls catalog was that they had dilator dildos. Huh? What am I missing? I actually schooled myself on it with Dr. Google so it makes sense now.

If you don’t know, I guess not only do you pee yourself more and more as you age, but your vaginal tissue can shrink so there are dilators. No wonder women end up in diapers where they’re older. By the time you’re sixty, a clown car may come driving out of there.

This is a sucky instance where men have it so much better than women as we age. Women go through hell and back being menopausal with a shrunken vagina but men get to look more distinguished as they age and don’t have to worry about dilating anything.

The only time I ever dilated was when I gave birth and now I can’t even think about sneezing without peeing myself.

Did Blanch Devereaux know about this and if so, why didn’t they put it on a “very special episode of The Golden Girls.”

Blanche: Oh, what am I going to do? My vagina shrunk and I have a date tonight.

Sophia: Like that’s ever stopped you before!

Dorothy: Ma!

Rose: This one time in St. Olaf, Mrs. Schusterclimber used the village pole to dilate her vagina.

Blanche: Oh, Rose!

Dorothy: This calls for cheesecake!

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