Anxiety Sucks

The anxiety I have always becomes much worse this time of year. I worry about every little fucking thing that I possibly can. I have major anxiety about driving and it’s become worse than I thought it could when I got into a fender bender in a grocery store parking lot a few weeks ago.

I was waiting for a blue SUV to pull out by me and once I started backing out, bam, the guy in the Dodge Durango pulled out at the same time and we didn’t see each other. His truck didn’t have a scratch on it but my poor Subaru got a dent in the back bumper that looks like the Hulk smashed it with his fist. I also got part of my taillight broken off.

I’m taking it to the body shop on Monday and getting a rental for a few days. But, my anxiety is out of control even more now. I used to panic and stress with driving in general but now when I’m in parking lots, I full on panic. I know it was just an accident and they can happen to anyone but I’ve been overthinking the fender bender, which is what I do best. Overthink.

Now, when I’m in a parking lot, I park far away from the other cars. Leave it to a big ass truck to park right next to me though.

I was also invited to someone’s house where there will be other people and my anxiety is really kicking in over that because yay, not only do I have anxiety but my social anxiety is off the charts. I’m making myself go though because I’m sick of anxiety always taking over my life.

It’s so hard to break through it. I’ve tried to channel my anxiety into positive and creative ways and while some things work, others don’t.

Xanax only does so much for me but without it, I’d be even more stark raving mad. I also have a surgery coming up and guess what? I’m thinking of all the things that can go wrong with it. Nothing like dying but the thought of being in physical pain makes me cringe.

I recently went on a panicky talking streak with my husband about how my anxiety can be really debilitating at times. People who don’t have it will never get it though. It’s not something you can just snap out of. It doesn’t matter how much therapy I’ve had over the years. It’s just the way I’m wired. I try to be more mindful and live in the moment but anxiety and depression rears its ugly head at me.

The panic attacks are so overwhelming. When I have one, it feels like I’m suffocating and I start shaking while my mind feels like I’m in a prison cell. I want to escape my body but I can’t. It can feel like I’m drowning and being chained to all of my dark thoughts.

Anxiety, you suck.

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7 Responses to Anxiety Sucks

  1. Jennifer @ September 26, 2016 at 14:13 #

    Anxiety does suck. I feel like I’ve been treading water since the start of school. The amount of paperwork that comes home from two different schools is unbelievable. I’m always worried I’m going to get the oldest out the door too late and miss her bus or I’m going to be late to the bus stop, miss her, and some stranger will take her.

    This time of the year is a difficult transition for me in general. The sunlight is getting less and less and saps my energy.

    No advice…just commiseration.
    Jennifer @ recently posted..Fifteen Years LaterMy Profile

  2. Gia September 28, 2016 at 17:15 #

    I second that motion and I’m on the other side of the world. Winter is leaving spring is here but the lambs and other animals still getting sick or dying from freak flooding and snow that still insists on staying like an unwelcome visitor that’s out stayed it’s welcome.
    I’m currently sitting in a booth with a very thin cold gown on that I was told to leave open at the front for the scan of my life. Anxiety has been my common follower more so now than ever. As I get older I find I’m getting worse. Two medication changes later and more side effects to learn how to name and live with. I too park far away from other cars. I too freak out about dropping off and more so picking up my son. Who’s a teenager. I know he’s sitting in the waiting room right now growing with anxiety also asking himself if mum is OK. Will she have cancer will it come back. Will we ever stop the panic of a new found lump or horrid feelings of what my scars look like. I can only pray that one day this feeling with one day pack up and move out of my life. Until then pass the glass of water and repeat my perception please.
    Never wish a day away.

  3. gela September 29, 2016 at 19:01 #

    anxiety is the worst and so debilitating. i fight with anxiety and depression also. it’s nice to know other people have the same problems. i’m also anxious about driving. particularly passing cars. yikes.

    i’m sure you’re a good driver and have no reason to panic. just try to breathe deeply.

    surgery is…well, sometimes necessary. i’m sure everything will go smoothly and you’ll be fine. i hope it’s not serious. i’ll be thinking of you.

  4. Brandy Kirker Hudson September 30, 2016 at 11:01 #

    So I completely understand about the depression and anxiety. On those two things I got nothing. I go to the therapy and take the pills and all too. I do however have a parking lot strategy. I used to work for the phone company and they have rules about stuff that you didn’t even know you could make a rule for. I did find their parking rules useful and still use them to this day. (Even though my husband rolls his eyes)
    The basic principle is that you never back up because the vast majority of accidents happen when someone is backing up. This is of course impossible so there is an order to the choices you make in a situation when you just have to back up. So:

    1. Pull through. In a normal parking lot where the spaces are squared off, pick one that has two empty back to back. Pull forwards into the first space and then on through to the second one. That way when you are ready to leave, you pull out forward into the aisle.
    2. Back INTO the space and not out of the space. If you are backing out of your space into the aisle, people are driving in the aisle, right? But if you are backing into the space, no one is driving in your space. Ever.
    3. Last resort is to have to park in one of those parking lots that have diagonal spaces and one way lanes. Like Walmart. And Walmart sucks, so just don’t go there. 🙂

    Also, don’t turn left. I know. This is also frequently impossible. So, if you have to turn left:

    1. Turn right and drive around the block.
    2. Turn at a controlled intersection with a designated green arrow.
    3. Turn at a controlled intersection where left turn yields to oncoming traffic.
    4. Turn at an intersection with a stop sign.

    Also, when you get gas, pull though at the pumps to the pump furthest from the door to the store.

  5. Gia October 31, 2016 at 14:26 #

    Why is it some days the anxiety takes over and you feel like your swimming to the surface of a thick liquid of thoughts and frustration. Yet other days your swimming along like an athlete. Started those colouring books and adore them but now getting frustrated if it’s not good enough for my “perfection is not enough ways”.

  6. Brnady March 3, 2017 at 19:56 #

    I completely agree that people that don’t have this diagnosis will never understand. I have advoident personality disorder with a delightful mix of severe social anxiety disorder. I’m 32 and have gotten to the point that i have enough mental tools (and wine) to function in a job, relationship and have a pet (all happily and successfully… mostly, if you dont count the constant physical effects of putting myself into society everyday. I’m typically passed out on the couch by 8:30-9pm everynight from exhaustion. Bless my boyfriend for understanding and supporting me. What kills me is when my co-workers say I’m “shy” or “nervous” or “look your getting better, your more talkative today”. Pointing out it doesn’t help, neither does misdiagnosing me by just being near me. I won’t get better, that would make the connection I’m “wrong”. I had severe child abuse growing up and this is how my body and mind cope. It’s okay.

    • Gia March 18, 2017 at 01:34 #

      omg brandy, my heart goes out to you. Stay strong

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