The other day I was wondering what you were doing but then I remembered you were gone. I can’t believe it’s been seven years, eight years, nine years, ten years, eleven years, twelve years, thirteen years since you left us so early. Even though we didn’t always get along, I loved you like a sister.

It’s not surprising, we had known each other since preschool. Our moms were great friends. We would spend Christmas Eve at your house and get a personal appearance from Santa Claus.

I even remember being at your house when they debuted Michael Jackson’s video, Thriller. Your mom was peeking through her fingers the entire time. As you got older, you grew your hair long. It was the most beautiful brown hair I have seen.

You were at my wedding but I was so overwhelmed with people that I never got a chance to say hello. I’ve seen my wedding video and watched as you stood aside while I greeted people. There is so much guilt I feel because of that.

You moved out of the small town where we lived. I had moved away several years before. You got married but by then we had lost touch. I would always ask my mom how you were.

I’ll never know what led you to take your own life on that day in November. Your mom has never recovered. Nobody will be the same. The shock of it was with me for months and then disbelief set it. It has been with me since.

I was never angry at you but I wish you would have talked to someone, anyone. I still can’t accept that you are no longer here, even after thirteen years. I will still catch myself, wondering what you’re doing.


*National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8288

*Just Breathe

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2 Responses to Silence

  1. Gia November 16, 2016 at 13:44 #

    Good Morning. I turned my computer on and there was your post. It stopped me in my tracks and made a pressure fill my chest. My thoughts will be with you today and your sadness you feel my dear is something you have to learn how to deal with as I’ve learnt time is not the factor, its the learning over time of how to deal with it. Sometimes we deal with it well sometimes it deals with us. I don’t want to turn this story into something about myself but i do want you to know your not alone in these feelings. It was 6 years yesterday since my mums life was taken. She wanted to take her own, not because of mental illness but because of the cancer she was fighting. She was such a beautiful women and to this day she is my first thought every morning. She told me she was going to take her life, she knew what was coming. She told me how and showed me also what she was going to take. It made me so mad. For many reasons. However i walked out that door thinking i would never see her again alive. She didn’t take them. However days later i was sitting eating my dinner and something in my head said “go see your mum” I got up and got in the car and went to her home a few blocks away. I sat beside her and watched some telly and had a cup of tea while she slept. I looked over and there was blood coming out of her nose and mouth. A lot of blood then flowed. I rung the doctor and they said get a bucket and blankets. That night my two brothers and i watched my mother bleed to death. It took 2 hours and 45 minutes for her body to slowly give up the fight. I held her through some of this event as did one of my other two brothers. I can’t explain the noise and the sight but from that day forth i myself have thoughts about taking my own life, my brother tried. We could not live with this one image that haunts us on a daily bases. The anger and confusing thoughts. I sometimes wish she took those pills. I sometimes wish i didn’t have to take mine so i can deal with my day to day sadness. I know we must move on and we must move up but there is no such thing, there is only coping skills. It took me 6 years to ask for help with the dreams and the sadness. I truely feel your pain and i truely wish i could help in some one. But just know my arms reach out in comfort to all that have suffered some loss due to suicide and depression. The hurtful thing is i carry the same gene as my mother and twin sister who also passed of this cancer and one day i hope i have an option to end it before i too go that same way and pray my son this has to write this story to anyone.
    thinking of you and your family

  2. Sarah January 1, 2017 at 12:45 #

    Wow. I don’t even know who you are writing about and I’m crying huge real tears. Heartbreaking.

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