P

ETA: I changed the name of this post because I didn’t want pervs googling people peeing in their pants and getting off on it. Ewww.

I’ve had a cold for the past three days. I am such a fucking baby when I get sick and feel the need to tell my husband I feel like shit every hour. He, on the other hand, is made of steel. Steel, I tell you! I practically have to beg him to help him out on the rare occasion he gets sick.

The thing that pisses me off (pun intended) about being sick, well, besides being sick, feeling like shit, and coughing up my lung is peeing every time I cough. My 15 year-old self would have laughed at my *mumbles* year-old self the first time I had to buy pee pads. I started out with period pads but after the hummingbird and then Ben three years ago, I can pee myself so bad that it goes through my underwear and pajama pants.

So, I held my head in shame when I first bought pee pads and it’s all thanks to my darling children. Damn it.

This is totally fucking karma because when I was a teenager and was at the store with my mom, I would ask her why she bought pads since I knew she used tampons. Like any young person or child, my voice level came across as “WHY ARE YOU GETTING THOSE PADS, MOM?”. I pretty much knew why but teenagers are assholes so there you go.

There are those extra embarrassing times when I may sneeze my nose off or get into a coughing fit and actually pee my pants and the pee might start running down my leg while I haul ass to the bathroom. Just one of the many things to love about motherhood.

Since I’ve been sick this week and coughing my head off, I’ve gone through several pairs of underwear and pajama pants that I’ve been washing every day. I could just easily wear pads (which I occasionally do) during times like this but my vagina is claustrophobic. Or, so that’s what it tells me but I can’t really understand what it’s saying while being crammed up against whatever the hell pads are made out of.

For some reason, I also shun pads because I’ll think “My vagina can handle anything!”

Why can’t men pee their pants also once you have kids? What’s up with that?! Then you can both share the embarrassment together. When are they going to have their vagina stretched out so much that a clown car could drive through? Granted, they don’t have the genitalia, but still.

What really gets me is while coughing and sneezing set off the crotch fountain, there have been times where I’m not doing anything that I deem strenuous but then what do I know? A little pee will just randomly come out. Really, vagina, REALLY?

I used to think those vaginal rejuvenation surgeries were laughable and now I want to kiss whoever came up with the procedure.

Yay to motherhood for making me piss myself.

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8 Responses to P

  1. Charlie February 23, 2017 at 16:21 #

    Oh God me too!! In fact my cough and its ‘side effects’ are the reason I’ve just given up smoking, as I can’t handle the wee situation any longer!

    • gia February 24, 2017 at 00:52 #

      Oh I’m pleased for anyone giving up smoking. Start a new hobby. Don’t turn to the puff side!!!!

  2. gia February 24, 2017 at 00:49 #

    Amen to that. I have honestly been in same fear of Niagara thighs when sneezing and as for changes ….one week your as dried as a preserved flower arrangement following week to scared to cough. omg and its worse doing yoga or running even with an empty bladder. It seems to store at least a teaspoon at the last minute and turns against me. My son had such a big head they cut me from one hole to the next like it was a zip lock bag. 12stitches later and a restitch 4 days later I was never the same again. Pelvic floor ….yeah right how do you strengthen foundations of a sloppy mud hut. Bring on bionic vaginas with adjustable tightness And it’s own release valve. Not to mention self grooming. Hun climate change doesn’t just apply to earth, it’s our bodies too.

  3. Desiree White February 24, 2017 at 08:04 #

    Great post! I am always peeing myself. So embarrassing! My vagina is like yours. It get claustrophobic and then the pad being dry loves to scratch her up. Men suck. They do not have to deal with ANYTHING! My husband had one hemorrhoid and he bitched about it non stop. Ive had a hemorrhoid since my daughter was born. 14 years ago! I am babbling. Thanks for posting!

  4. Katy Cline February 24, 2017 at 09:39 #

    I had no idea this was a normal female thing until ver recently. My mother never told me about it, so when it started happening to me I was horrified at myself (i dont have kids yet but am *ahem* years old and its started already). After a while i got up the nerve to finally ask some other women about it and they told it was normal! I was both happy and depressed since, first, happy i wasnt suffering from some horrible aliment and there was in fact pads for this, second, depressed cause i was peeing my damn pants.
    Great post about this! Girls gatta talk about this stuff sometimes!

  5. Cathy February 26, 2017 at 10:26 #

    I have not had children, but this happens to me all the time. I understand when it happens due to coughing, sneezing or even just bending over, but what is with the random trickle? Sigh. One of the many joys of being female I guess.

  6. Neese May 9, 2017 at 12:04 #

    I wish I could say I feel your pain, but the only time I’ve pizzt myself (since that one 4th grade field trip to the roller rink when I had wayyyyyy too much soda and there was a line of about 30 girls for the one single seat restroom) was when I was 6 months pregnant and bent over a toilet puking my guts out (morning sickness at 2 in the afternoon while at work and the only restroom is downstairs and the office is upstairs – so much fun!) My bestie is 3 years younger, 100 pounds lighter, and has only had one child – but she knows your pain/embarrassment. So I can sympathize even if I cant really empathize. I wonder why it affects some so much worse than others, though? Maybe if we figured it out, we could fix it so no one ever has to experience the P.

  7. Rina angeline July 25, 2017 at 13:38 #

    Oh God me too!! In fact my cough and its ‘side effects’ are the reason I’ve just given up smoking, as I can’t handle the wee situation any longer!
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