Dear fellow earthlings,
Please help us here in America. I’ve had to ban myself from watching any news because I have been having such high anxiety. It feels like the world is going to end.
I feel like I’m a passenger on the Speed bus from hell except Keanu Reeves isn’t here to save the day. Every fucking hour, some crazy shit seems to go down in the political world and even though I’ve banned myself from the news, I still see it on the celebrity gossip sites.
All I’m asking for is some juicy gossip to take away from this shitstorm happening to this country.
Here’s a summary of the last seven months. All aboard the Speed bus!
Sean Spicer says the numbers for the inauguration was the biggest that was ever seen, period.
*grabs on to the sides of my seat of the Speed bus*
White supremacists are in the White House.
Um. Um. Holy fuck. *grabs a hold of my seat even tighter*
The Cheeto-In Chief tweets delusional, crazy shit.
Dennis Hopper was more likeable as the villian in Speed. *has panic attack because this fucker is going to get us killed in 140 characters or less*
Comey is fired.
SANDRA? KEANU? Anyone? Who’s driving this damn bus? Where’s the adult here? *braces self against my bus seat on the Speed bus to hell because it’s going to be one hell of a ride*
Tweet, tweet. FAKE NEWS! FAILING NEW YORK TIMES! FAKE NEWS!
What. The. Actual. Fuck? This is what journalists do. People won’t believe this delusional twat bag.
So, yeah. I was wrong about that. People are actually that stupid. *puts head down while sitting on the Speed bus to hell and takes deep breaths while preparing for impact*
Spicer is out. Sarah Fuckabee Sanders “I talk like I’m eating my face” is in.
And, surprise. Someone even thuggier than Tony Soprano; the Scary Mooch is in.
What. The Actual. Fuckity. Fuck?
Scarramouche, Scarramouche, will you do the fandango?
Boy Scout Jamboree.
Oh my fucking god. This is way too Hitler-esque.
*braces self on the Speed bus to hell because there’s a gap in the freeway and we’re all gonna die”
And, Scary mooch’s greasy, slimeball, thug ass is out of there after ten days.
We make it across the gap in the freeway and things seem to calm down. There will be someone to do the adulting after all.
But, Cheeto-In-Chief tweets more of his insanity.
*Keanu enters. “There’s a bomb on the bus and it’s orange. It will blow at any time”.*
Seriously, where’s the fucking adult?!