I’m A Mess

This past year and a half has been very difficult for me. I had five surgeries within 14 months, starting in 2016. It’s why I haven’t really been blogging as often as I’d like. I won’t bore you with the details of the surgeries but they came in such rapid succession and that’s what has made me go from anxiety with occasional panic attacks to my current state which has transformed to severe anxiety with frequent panic attacks, including the dreaded anxiety attacks first thing in the morning.

I didn’t take as good of care of myself as I should have with each recovery from surgery and it’s definitely taken a toll on me. I feel so anxious all the time and my body still feels like it’s in recovery mode. It’s been frustrating for me because I’m still not 100% physically and the frustration leads to anxiety which leads me to have panic attacks.

If you’ve never had a panic attack, you’re very lucky. Mine starts out with feeling a sense of dread. My heart starts pounding. It’s difficult to catch my breath. My mind starts racing. I feel dizzy. My heart gets to where it feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. I feel like I’m going to give myself a heart attack. The sense of dread increases. My heart’s beating so fast, my mind is racing, I’m feeling dizzier, and there are times I even get so worked up that I throw up from the anxiety and panic. It feels like I’m a prisoner in my own body and want nothing more that to escape myself.

So, for the past 18 months, my anxiety has grown to where it can be debilitating at times. I’m getting more concerned now because this is the time of year that my depression starts rearing its ugly head.

Since I cut out all news out of my life last month, the anxiety has become a little more manageable. I’ve been trying to ride out the panic attacks without reaching for my xanax prescription but that can be really difficult. Hmmm, would I rather feel like I’m in a fight or flight state of panic for half the day or should I take something that I know in 20 or so minutes will have me feeling more in control of my thoughts? But, I don’t want to have to depend on medication every time.

The problem is, I still have an ongoing medical issue and while I’ve had two surgeries for it where I thought both times that I’ll finally be feeling healthy again and won’t have to deal with this problem anymore. Low and behold, once I’m confident it’s finally not an issue anymore. the fucking thing pops back up. I feel like there’s no end in sight and my ENT doctor has been calling this “unusual and rare”.

He seems to be at a total loss about what to do and mentioned sending me to Boston. For now though, he’s waiting to see if medication will help. I know it’s not going to because in the past it never did.

I’m just feeling so frustrated and at a loss.

What I’ve been missing is writing. I know that’s something that will help clear my head and help my anxiety while also giving me an escape from these ongoing medical issues.

I just don’t know if I can still keep up the blogging, not that I’ve really been keeping it up that often. But, I’ve been blogging for over seven years now and I’m not quite sure I can completely let it go. So, for now, I figure what the hell, even if I don’t have much to say, I should just write anyway. It’s such a nice vacation from my anxiety ridden mind and the physical pain I’m still in.

So, now you know what’s been going on since last year. It feels good to clear the air and talk about the terrible time I’ve been having.

I know I’ll get through this rough time but right now it feels like it’s going to last forever. I’ll leave you for now by saying thank you for listening to my issues.

I’ve got issues, you’ve got them too, so give yours to me and I’ll give mine to you.

Your welcome for getting that song stuck in your head.

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...

, , , , , ,

8 Responses to I’m A Mess

  1. Danielle September 17, 2017 at 21:13 #

    Hang in there!!! Worst case if you’re too much of a mess to leave the house you have a good reason to avoid winter 🙂

  2. Marnie September 17, 2017 at 21:27 #

    That sounds very difficult & exhausting to go through. Sending lots of love to you. 💗💗💗💗💗

  3. Gia September 17, 2017 at 21:33 #

    Reading this broke my heart and I don’t even know you.
    I’ve read it multiple times over this morning. That feeling of being useless to help is horrible. Understanding it on multiple levels and being in similar situation helps. I could sit here and say try this and try that. Try colouring, pottery, hypnosis, reading and writing. However non of that may apply to you but one thing will….someone is thinking of your from the other side of the world and can say in all honesty that it will get better. Panic attacks suck. Breathing through them is key. Just understand your not alone. Your heart might be racing but at least it’s beating.

  4. Monica September 17, 2017 at 23:10 #

    Please keep writing. Seeing a new post on your blog makes my day even before I read it. Hugs to you!!

  5. Gia September 18, 2017 at 03:11 #

    I agree with Monica 200%. Keep writing. Keep loving and keep laughing and living will follow just like us. We are all in this together and sometimes it takes a complete stranger or a simple event in life to make ya stand up with some strength in your soul. It will take time to learn how to cope. It will take guts to learn how to own it. You what you have put out there takes strength. Draw from it. Your amazing just to have come this far. Some people give up at the first intersection. You my dear must keep moving forward.
    I can’t stop reading your post as its so familiar. Your not alone. I can’t stress that enough.

  6. KarenLS September 18, 2017 at 10:35 #

    I hope you keep writing! I love reading your posts and wonder about how you’re doing when there are no new posts. Anxiety is debilitating! Rather than xanax, which is a short term temporary fix, have you thought about one of antidepressants that also work on anxiety? Maybe it can help hold back the depression that shows up around this time of year, too. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping you soon feel better.

  7. Brandy September 21, 2017 at 19:42 #

    My two cents as someone that has and does take medication (as needed)… I also work at a pharmacy for full disclosure. Take your meds, give yourself a break and let them help you heal your mind while you are healing from surgery. I would say to compliment your meds with eating right and walking around the block daily to help left your endorphins naturally. Be nice to yourself and give yourself a break, if you need to, give yourself a goal of when you would like to not reach for your meds everytime, 2-4 months (or after Christmas?), also replace the meds with something else that helps you calm down, just willing through it isn’t fixing the chronic anxiety long term. Find stupid awesome little things that make you smile and remember you deserve to be spoiled with them everyday. You are worth and deserve to have happiness everyday 🙂

  8. LeeAnne Curtis October 12, 2017 at 11:30 #

    I read this and felt like you had entered my life cycle! Hubs had never seen one of my panic attacks until 2012 when I had one while he was driving. Scared him really bad. Now he can see one coming on and gets me out of whatever situation I am in at the time. Then in January 2016 I had a stroke combined with a seizure and that tripled the anxiety as well as the panic attacks. In my case, my happen when I get overwhelmed, over tired or over anxious (which happens at least once a day – LOL). The first of 2017, I started meditating first thing in the morning, with a cup of coffee and my computer. That has really helped me a lot. Now Mom lives with Hubs and I (she is 92) and when I find myself getting anxious, I leave the room for a while so I don’t have an attack in front of her. What I have learned since 2012, I have to take care of me, because if I don’t, I won’t be able to take care of anyone else. Sending Love, Light and Peace to you….
    LeeAnne Curtis recently posted..Hello world!My Profile

Leave a Reply

CommentLuv badge