Just like I am about pumpkin spice which makes me feel like a hooker without clients, HGTV also leaves me feeling empty.
I’ve accepted that I don’t have the HGTV gene, unlike many others. I do love to watch House Hunters International sometimes so I can see a mime and a circus juggler moving to Paris on a 1.5 million dollar budget. Where the hell do they get that kind of money?!
My husband foams at the mouth for shows like Fixer Upper and The Property Brothers. I, instead, get put to sleep. HGTV people seem to be everywhere, spreading their love of the color grey and finding the hidden potential of a crack house.
My “safe” channel used to be the Food Network. The “safe” channel is what I quickly put on when my 8 year-old enters the room. Currently, though, that channel is off limits for me because of the torture of seeing all the food I’m not allowed to eat right now. So, I’ve made HGTV the “safe” channel. Except, I had it on the other day, expecting the hummingbird to walk in anytime and I actually started nodding off as I was petting my dog.
I also see these HGTV people all over magazines and I think “Well, fuck. Zzzzzzz”. I want real celeb gossip. Like what Kate Winslet is up to or seeing Mark Ruffalo or Clive Owen as the Sexiest Man Alive. Somebody make that happen!
It must be the super mellow, monotone voices everybody uses on all the shows that HGTV airs. Actually it reminds me of the way my father-in-law speaks which nearly drives me into a coma.
They need a few shows with hosts like Sam Kinison to wake people up.
Sam: “I was driving the other day and a car pulled out in front of me and AAAAAHHH! AAAHHHH!”
If you don’t know who Sam Kinison is (I should say was since he passed away years ago), that probably doesn’t make much sense.
But picture this on HGTV:
Realtor: “We have an apartment in the middle of Paris with hardwood floors, it’s on the second floor, and it’s $100 dollars under budget”.
Prospective buyer: “I don’t know. That’s two flights of stairs. Ugh! And, that wall in the second bedroom is green. GREEN! Can you believe it? How can I make this a home with a second bedroom that’s painted green. I mean, yuck. I don’t want to pay $100 dollars under my budget for a place with a green wall. I’m going to take the place that’s twenty minutes outside of the city I want to live in and that’s $300 dollars over budget.”
Realtor: “Yeah, um, you know you can simply paint the green walls to a color that you would prefer”.
Prospective buyer: “Ewww, I don’t know. That’s a lot of work for a place that’s under budget and in the city of Paris”.
Realtor: “Okay, so, I’m not being paid enough to deal with dumbasses like you.