An Ass As Big As A Hot Air Balloon

If you want honesty, talk to a kid. When my daughter wants more information about something that I just can’t find the words for, I tell her to ask her dad.

A few years ago, my daughter took a picture of my butt which she thought was funny. When I saw the picture, my ass looked like it could take the place of a hot air balloon and fly the basket with the highest occupancy.

I asked my daughter if my butt is that big and she said, you saw the picture.

Ah, yes. Kids and the brutal truth will smack you upside the head when you least expect it.

On the other hand, when I’m feeling shitty about myself, the hummingbird tries to cheer me up.

For instance, when I fuck up dinner most nights because I still can’t cook properly, and I either undercook or overcook something. She’ll say you’re the best cook, mom.

Yes, I know that’s a lie but it’s sweet.

Then, there are the brutal moments. I styled my hair a different way using a curling wand and my natural curls instead of straightening the hell out of it. I had many compliments the day before. The woman at the pharmacy even said my hair looked really nice. I may go there too much if they know me that well.

Anyway, I did my hair the same way a few days later and my daughter comes home from school.

Her: Your hair looks different.

Me: That’s because I’ve been letting my hair go naturally curly.

Her: No, I mean it doesn’t look like you brushed it at all today.

Me: Ouch! Oh, I didn’t think it looked too bad.

Her. Yeah, and it looks like you slept on it a few times and it’s all bunched up together.

Me: Damn, girl, you’re a hard chicky to please. I just finger brushed it so it wouldn’t make the curls frizz.

Her: Well, okay but your hair looks like you just woke up.

Me: Whoooosh! My kid just killed me with verbal firepower about what I thought was my awesome hair. Well, sweetie, I don’t always have enough time to spend on my hair because you can be as slow as a slug in mud and you won’t listen when I tell you to hurry up in the morning before school. If you did, I could have more time to spend on my hair but instead I’m walking out of the bathroom yelling, Hummingbird!! Are you dressed yet? Did you brush your teeth and hair? Did you go pee yet? Every. other. minute.

Me for real: Well, sweetie. Maybe my hair would look better if we can work together to get ready for the bus on time.

Her: Okay, mom. But, you really do look like you have bedhead.

Me: Fuckity fuck fuck fucking hell. Thanks bird but, sometimes it’s not always best to tell the truth like that.

Her: Why?

Me: Ask your dad.

What are some of the brutally honest things you’ve been told by your kids? 

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One Response to An Ass As Big As A Hot Air Balloon

  1. Pip February 16, 2018 at 16:26 #

    I am a stone overweight admittedly. My 13 year old son and I were sitting down on the sofa about to tuck into a take away and he said ‘Look at us two fat shits watching ‘Bourne’. He says what he thinks. I need to diet! Great post and very funny

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