About Elle

I'm a Navy wife and a mama to a daughter who's like a hummingbird on crack.
Author Archive | Elle

Mark Ruffalo Recreates Dream Conversation

The holidays are almost here and like everyone else, I’ve been busy and losing my mind when it comes to getting everything ready.

So, I thought we could use a Mark Ruffalo break. Because he’s hot. And delicious. And I can watch him all damn day.

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50 Shades Of Shit: Well, I Got Through More Than A Few Pages This Time Around

fifty-shades-of-grey-trilogy1I was supposed to start reading this book a while back and snark the shit out of it. In my quest to find enough things to trash in this trashy “book”, I, um, well, read the whole thing.

Fuuuuck.

Then, I went on to read the second book.

Fuuuuuuck.

Now, I’m reading the last crappy book in this 50 Shades Of Shit trilogy.

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I don’t know what happened. OMG, who am I anymore? I have some amazing, can’t wait to read books just waiting for me on my Kindle and I’ve been stuck on 50 Shades Of WTF.

The writing is cringeworthy but I somehow got sucked into it. Yes, I’m ashamed! It was such mindless entertainment that I really needed since going back to school has been so stressful.

Maybe I’m more of a kinky bitch than I’ve ever realized but I didn’t find too much of what was in the book to be that shocking. The shit that got me turned on was Christian letting Anastasia sleep in. What? You mean, Ana doesn’t have to deal with a little person saying Mom? MOM? MOOOOOM?! WAKE UP!

Then, Ana leisurely walks into the great room without walking every few feet picking up toys and kids clothes. There’s Grey’s maid, Mrs. Jones, who cooks her breakfast and even makes her lunch. Oh, really now?

This bitch, Anastasia Steele doesn’t have to hear Moooom! I’m sooooo hungry now. I’m huuuungry!

Nope. The bitch eats in peace and quiet. She doesn’t have to deal with telling her kids to EAT. RIGHT. NOW., have them take two bites and have the kids say BUT I’M SO FULL. I CAN’T EAT ANYMORE.

Oh yes, yes you can. You did not get me up at 6 am saying your ass is starving and you can’t take it anymore because you are so damn hungry. Oh, hell no! You are not taking two little bites of food and proclaiming that your stomach hurts so you can’t eat any more. Nope. Nope. Nope.

So, where was I?

Oh yeah, poor little Anastasia Steele. I’m not jealous of all the sex she got. I’m fucking jealous of the times she would wake up with Christian Grey already gone and would have to deal with a few “awkward silences” with the maid.

The peace and quiet, the awkward silences, and the intimate dinners she would have with Grey are the things that got me all hot and bothered.

The one thing that would truly make me laugh out loud was whenever butt plugs were mentioned… because I have the humor of a 12 year-old.

The second book in the series was eh. More sex, crazy ex sub with a gun, butt plugs that were never used, a boss that wanted Ana who Christian beat up, and now the ex boss is exacting revenge in the third book where Ana and Christian are newlyweds. AND they still call each other Mr. Grey… Mrs. Grey… seriously?

I thought Ana’s inner goddess and subconscious was lame and mentioned way too much. She’s always thinking about what her inner goddess/subconsious is doing and you want to punch the goddess in the face.

I’m not that far into the third book but there’s been arson at Grey’s HQ which I’m thinking is Ana’s former boss’ doing. But I’m sure it really doesn’t matter because the books pretty much follow this format…

These two fuck like rabbits, fight, pout, fuck, eat, fuck, fight, pout, fuck, eat, fight, fuck, cry, fuck, eat, pout, and fuck.

And there you have it!

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Book Review: Bittersweet

bittersweet1

This is my first review for Blogging For Books and I picked Bittersweet by Miranda Beverly-Whittmore.

Mabel Dagmar is a scholarship student at an East Coast college and her roomate Genevra “Ev” Winslow is her wealthy roommate who invites her to spend the summer in Vermont. There are several cottages on the Winslow estate and Mabel stays in the cottage, Bittersweet, that Ev has been given.

The summer starts idyllic with elegant parties, swimming, and lazy days of wandering on the grounds. Soon, Mabel starts to see cracks in what seems like a fairy-tale. An eccentric aunt in the family asks Mabel for help in uncovering secrets in the esteemed Winslow family, and directs her to papers and a journal to investigate.

During her time there, Mabel gets involved in an unexpected romance and can see herself settling into living the high life. But gradually with the discoveries she makes, she sees that while on the outside the Winslow family appears picture perfect, on the inside there are dark secrets and violence in the Winslow past.

The book can be slow at times but was enjoyable with beautiful prose and wonderful descriptions of the characters and the setting in Vermont. Bittersweet is a good mix of mystery and romance.

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The Elf On The Shelf And Peeny: Past Adventures

creepy-elf-on-the-shelfThe elf on the shelf has always creeped me out but a few years ago, I got one. I was thinking the hummingbird would love all of the cute little shenanigans this creepy elf could get into. She wasn’t interested at all.

The bird still couldn’t give a flying fuck about the creepy elf so I have my own fun with this creepy little thing every December.

I also have a very special Christmas decoration, Peeny. A very awesome, phallic decoration that my mom had for years and gave to me after much begging. Here are some of their past adventures they’ve been on over the last few years. I know, I have way too much time on my hands.

Behold, The Most Awesome Christmas Decoration. More like an Xmas Decoration.

Yippee Ki Yay Motherfucker.

Peeny’s Congressional Hearing.

Penny Helps Around The House And Then Goes Limp From Exhaustion.

The Elf On The Shelf Is Back.

Real Housewives Of The North Pole.

Peeny, the inappropriate Xmas decoration, is back.

Peeny, the inappropriate Xmas decoration, is back.

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Peenterest: Thanksgiving Edition

I’ve always felt that the Thanksgiving holiday was more stressful than Christmas. Not that Christmas is nice and calm. It can turn into a family shit show but at least there are presents. Yes, I’m all about the presents. What do you get for Thanksgiving? Bloated, tired, and a strong urge to stab your dickhead brother-in-law.

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halloween-nye

I have a particular male relative in mind when I saw the one below.

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It never fails. There always seem to be that one older relative who farts their way across the room while you have to stand there and pretend not to notice. Meanwhile, you’re about to pee your pants from the laughter you’re trying to keep in.

jet-power

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x-turkey

drunk-family

leaving-house

back-inside

stabby

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Princess Rap Battle

Having a 5 year-old daughter who loves anything to do with princesses can be trying at times. I mean, just how many tiaras and sparkly princess shit does a girl need? Apparently, lots.

But spoofs like this help cancel out all of the times I’ve had to hear Let It Go. Well, that and wine.

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Dear Pumpkin Spice… I’m Just Not That Into You

Who wouldn't want their vag to smell like pumpkin spice?! Okay, so this isn't real but who knows, it might be a reality soon enough.

Who wouldn’t want their vag to smell like pumpkin spice?! Okay, so this isn’t real but who knows, it might be a reality soon enough.

It’s that time of year where people go apeshit crazy over everything pumpkin spice. Even my husband gets a little giddy when he has his first pumpkin spice latte of the season.

On Pinterest, there’s all kinds of pumpkin spice everything. I go to Target and have seen pumpkin spice Oreo cookies.

There’s pumpkin spice bread, beer, vodka, yogurt, candy, coffee, candles, muffins, lip balm, and on and on.

Pumpkin spice is everywhere!!!

I have a confession. I fucking hate anything to do with pumpkin and really get the gags when it comes to pumpkin spice. I just don’t get the craze.

I must be missing the pumpkin spice gene. I don’t find the taste appealing at all.

Even as a kid, my family would be like happy, little kids because mmmm, pumpkin pie. And I would always be thinking ewww… cold, slimy pumpkin pie. Then, I would douse my piece in whip cream to try and cover the flavor.

The closest I will come to having anything to do with pumpkin is when my husband roasts the seeds.

I’ve noticed this season especially, the pumpkin spice craze started much earlier and I can only imagine just how crazy companies are going to get next year.

Pumpkin spice scented tissues? Pumpkin spice body wash? Pumpkin spice flavored condoms?

Oooh, could you imagine the millions we could make off that stuff?

In the meantime, my family will be doing what we’ve done for the past few years for Thanksgiving. The husband and the hummingbird will go crazy over the pumpkin pie that’s made and I get chocolate cream pie all to myself (okay, I share, a little). And I get to be the proud new owner of about 5 extra pounds on my ass.

Since it’s Thanksgiving next week, what are you thankful for? I don’t mean the typical things… but something that you accomplished. Something you’re proud of doing.

Like kicking an asshole friend out of your life, quitting a job you couldn’t stand, speaking up for yourself, surviving a shopping trip with your kids without any meltdowns, etc.

For me, it was finally realizing I need to stop taking shit from a family member because I was so fed up with the drama. It was hard, it sucks, it hurts, but a weight has been lifted.

Oh yeah, and also that my in-laws aren’t visiting us for Thanksgiving after all. Damn, that’s such a shame.

*I’m going to be done with my medical program at the end of December so posts on my blog up until then might not be as often as I’d like since I’m still slammed with studying. I’m currently having a love affair with Instagram so you can find me on there.

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