About Elle

I'm a Navy wife and a mama to a toddler who's like a hummingbird on crack.
Author Archive | Elle

10 signs that you have a little girl.

Just a small amount of what she normally sleeps with. lol

Just a small amount of what she normally sleeps with. lol

When I was pregnant with my now 5 year-old daughter, I told myself there was no way she would be a girly girl, seeing that I was somewhat of a tomboy when I was younger. I thought she would be the same way. Oh, how wrong I was. Here are just some of the signs that you have a little girl. Of course a few of these apply to little boys as well.

10. She has more shoes than you do.

9. You have no less than 5 Barbie dolls throughout your house.

8. All of your clean towels are on the floor, being used to jump in pretend puddles.

7. You don’t even realize you’ve been watching Nickelodeon Jr. alone until 30 minutes later.

6. There are at least 10 stuffed animals and toys piled in your child’s bed.

5. If you ask her what her favorite color is, she’ll say pink, purple, polka dots, and Hello Kitty.

4. You have an overabundunce of laundry from all of the clothing changes she has every day.

3. You can braid hair and make a ballet bun in record time, using a pink or purple hair band of course.

2. Everything she owns is called Princess, Twilight, Rainbow, or Sparkle.

1. It looks like Disney, Peppa Pig, and Hello Kitty threw up in your house.

What are some of the signs that show you have a son or daughter?

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Blog Love: Rubber Shoes In Hell, Stay At Home Pundit, My Life Suckers, and Temerity Jane.

bloglove1Check out these great blogs and pass on the love!

Rubber Shoes In Hell: Emergency Bags And Leaky Data, Do NOT Touch My Boobs, and Unpleasant Sayings That Apply. Twitter: @RageMichelle

Stay At Home Pundit: A Manifesto On Fucking, Why I Think Transphobia Is Stupid, and Kirk Cameron Is A Bigot. Yeah, I Said It. Twitter: @AtHomePundit

My Life Suckers: Love her blog and Deva is also a contributor for What The Flicka?.: Real Mom Makeup Tutorial (freaking hilarious and relatable), Bedtime (“Timber” Mom Parody), Boob Torture Device AKA The Breast Pump, and The Big Poop Plane Delay. Twitter: @mylifesuckers

Temerity Jane: Love her tagline… It Is Way Better To Be Me Than To Be Someone Who Has To Deal With MeI’m Sorry I Blamed You, Purple Laces, CRAPMAGNET, and Please Don’t Sic Your Flight Attendants On Me And Parenty Rectangles. Twitter: @TemerityJane

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A life taken way too soon.

*Please know that what follows is extremely upsetting and disturbing so if needed, click off now. Thank you. xo

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Over the weekend, a close friend from high school had an unimaginable loss. His niece and his twin brother’s 22 year-old daughter was killed. She was 7 months pregnant with her son and has a precious 2 year-old daughter.

The man that killed her was her boyfriend and the father of her unborn child. Briana left behind many loved ones who are understandably in so much pain.

A Go Fund Me account has been started in her honor.

I would never usually ask this (honestly, I feel very uncomfortable doing so because I don’t want anyone to feel pressured) and haven’t done anything at all like this on my blog in the 4 years that I’ve had it, but if you can help, please do. Any amount would help her family.

Even if you are unable to donate, I ask you from the bottom of my heart to pass this on in any way that you can. Any way at all. Whether it’s on Facebook, Twitter, through a link in an email, anything.

Her young daughter, Bonnie, is now without her mother and this family would be so appreciative. Here is Briana’s Go Fund Me page where you can get more information.

This is such a huge reminder to hug your loved ones extra tight.

Thank you all so much. xoxo

Updated:

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My kid has learned to lay on the guilt. F***ck.

Not to offend or be politically incorrect (Actually I hate being politically correct, it’s called humor people!!! Get a fucking grip.), blah, blah blah… but I feel like I’m living with a tiny Jewish mother when it comes to my 5 year-old daughter.

Not that I have a Jewish mother and I don’t mean to stereotype, but as long as I’ve been on this earth, there have been countless times that I’ve heard that Jewish mothers have taken guilt to an art form.

Anyway…

What really stood out for me was when we had our camping trip a few weeks ago and the little hummingbird really layed the guilt on us. I felt like shit but at the same time, it was fucking hilarious to me. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there.

My husband was making a fire so we could roast some marshmallows for s’mores and to start the fire, he dug around in the backseat of the car for some paper. It was paper with drawings and such that the bird made at preschool.

Drawings that she forgot about that had been in the back of my car for months. Yes, I really need to clean my car. Desperately.

My daughter normally didn’t give a shit about these pictures and drawings but immediately grew an attachment to them when my husband picked them out to use for the fire. I get it, really I do, since I do the same but what followed almost made me pee myself.

As her sudden attachment to her pictures were burning in the fire, she layed on the guilt big time.

I’ll never forget it.

As she watched them burn, she stood by the fire with the most pitiful look on her face and said “Bye pictures, I’ll miss you.”

Really kid, REALLY?!

But it worked and the husband and I looked at each other and I knew we were thinking ” Holy hell, we are shitty parents.”

Of course, once we sat around the campfire together and made the delicious, gooey s’mores, the hummingbird quickly forgot her beloved artwork.

Since then, she has found that laying on the guilt works in her favor.

Damn it!

 What have your kids done to really lay on the guilt?

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Book Giveaway: My children’s book… Dream Of All The Stars Above.

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So, I wrote a children’s book, my very first, and the awesome Carrie illustrated it with beautiful watercolor paintings. It’s a short and simple “bedtime book” for kids, newborn-4. I was wanting to make it a board book but found that to be near impossible for self-publishing.

I wrote this book a few years ago with Carrie and it’s finally published! If you ever need an illustrator, Carrie is the one. I’m slowly writing a blog based book including past posts and some new writing (if I can concentrate long enough to put it together) and I’m going to have Carrie do the cover for that as well.

I’m also writing an adult (no, not porn… although hmmm…) mystery called The Mill which I have been working on for at least 2 years but doubt has been plaguing me. Yes, I am my own worst enemy. Let me know if you’d like to read a little of the first chapter and maybe I’ll put it up in a post. 

Back to the book at hand… I’m doing a giveaway for 2 books of Dream Of All The Stars Above. It’s open for everyone to enter. All you need to do is let me know what your favorite books to read were when you were a kid/teen.

For me, I absolutely adored all of the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary, which I’m now reading to my daughter (how awesome is that), Judy Blume rocked it (Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret and Tiger Eyes were my favorites!), and when I was a little older, I would get my hands on anything to do with V.C. Andrews. Yes, I am loving the movies Lifetime is doing based on the Flowers In The Attic books!

The giveaway is open for submissions, one per person that will be selected by the random number generator, until Tuesday, July 22nd at 8 pm EST. Good Luck!

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*Find me on Twitter: @thisismommyhood, Instagram: ahummingbirdoncrack, and Facebook: This Is Mommyhood.

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When my husband wants to drag me out into the wilderness to go camping, I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s planning to kill me and I start thinking about who I want to play us in the Lifetime movie, Camping With A Killer.

We stopped by Stephen King's house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

We stopped by Stephen King’s house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

I would hope someone like Jennie Garth would play me but the way things are going for him, it would probably be Shia LaBeouf in a blond wig. I think Kanye West would be a fantastic choice for the role of my husband because Kanye is so damn angry all the time and you need that kind of drama in a Lifetime movie. Could you imagine?

Hey, honey, let’s roast some marshmallows and make some s’mores.

I don’t wanna make any fucking s’mores, damn it!! I’m Kanye West!!! I’m THE MOST CREATIVE person in the world.

Ummm, okay, how about if we go kayaking?

Fuck that noise, I’m Kanye. I AM THE MOST IMPACTFUL ARTIST OF OUR GENERATION.

Well, then, can you read the hummingbird a bedtime story?

No, no I can’t! I AM SHAKSPEARE IN THE FLESH! I don’t need books to read. I’m KANYE! I’m YEEZUS, BABY!

Yes, yes we need Kanye for my Lifetime movie. Talk about ratings gold.

So, anyway, my husband had his birthday recently and wanted to go camping for a few days. He saved his ass by reserving a cabin for us instead of actually sleeping in a tent.

I still got eaten alive by bugs, we didn’t have any air conditioning, and we reeked of bug spray, sunscreen, and smoke from the fire so I still considered it camping.

The second day that we were there, we hung out by the lake for most of the day. Next to us were 2 couples who had about 8 or 9 kids between them and I was in awe over how laid back they were.

We dubbed one of them “the chill couple”.

With just my 5 year-old, I admit I can be a helicopter mom so seeing the chill couple was fascinating. Nothing their kids did seemed to phase them. Chill couple gave their kids money when they asked for it, and the kids came bag with a ginormous bucket of cotton candy and ring pops. Their kids asked if it was okay if they ate it now and chill couple was all suuure.

They were the kind of parents I wish I could be as far as not having anything phase me. I worry about everything when it comes to the hummingbird. I thought it would get better as she got older but I worry more now that she’s out in the real world a little more. And don’t even get me started about her beginning kindergarten in the fall and all the worry I have about that. Eeek!

Anyway, nothing ever bothered chill couple the whole afternoon, no matter if their kids whined, were fighting, or however many times they yelled out Watch! Watch this!! from the lake.

As we were driving back to our cabin that night, my husband let me in on a little secret of chill couple.

He told me they had been slamming back beers since early that morning.

AHA! The secret to chill parenting is lots and lots and lots of alcohol. Duh!

The hummindbird caught a fish.

The hummindbird caught a fish.

I actually had a really nice time once the shock of the wilderness and being eaten alive by horse flies and mosquitoes wore off. Sidenote: Moose have been in the news more frequently here as far as being involved in car accidents. They said the reason they’re more prevalent in the summer is because more cars are on the road AND the summer bugs of Maine drive moose crazy so they run out of the woods into the roads here.

So, yeah, 1,000 pound moose are driven so crazy by the damn bugs here which is why they run into the roads. Now I don’t feel so bad about bitching so much when it comes to the bug bites I get just from being outside a few minutes because even big ass moose can’t handle it.

On the way back home, it took a few hours to get back into civilization and wi-fi and we drove through a really small town that had signs on either side of the street. To the left. Vote Yes! A few feet after that: Vote no!

On the right: Vote YES! Vote no!

We had no idea what this tiny town was voting over but they had the yes and no signs on both sides of the street for at least a mile and it was like watching a tennis match.

Then the husband and I were talking about some of the things we did as kids to our parents. I forgot how that even came up but we agreed that one of the worst things we did was when we would go out shopping with our moms. Back then, they had circular clothes racks and the hubby and I were talking about what a kick we got out of hiding in the middle of the rack.

As I would hear the panic grow in my mom’s voice as she would be calling my name and looking for me, I would be in the clothes rack, giggling like crazy. The hubby also had fond memories of doing that to his mom.

We talked about some more bad behavior like that and that’s when I came to the conclusion that we were total assholes. If the hummingbird ever pulled that on me, unlike the chill couple, I would probably have a heart attack.

Once we finally got home, I actually missed our little cabin but after firing up my laptop and the television, I soon got over that. But, yes, we had fun. And I came out of it alive.

Sorry, Lifetime.

What are you doing this summer?

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7 DIY Going Green Recipes

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I try to be as eco-friendly as I can although I don’t always succeed. But with these DIY green recipes, it makes the gradual changes I’ve been making a lot easier. They all link over to What The Flicka? where I was doing my Green It Yourself series.

1. Furniture Polish and Dust Cleaner: My daughter loves to help me clean and I don’t have to worry about harsh chemicals.

2. Citrus Infused Vinegar: I love the scent and it’s a great disinfectant.

3. Grapefruit and Lemon Cleaning Spray: This is my favorite go-to cleaning spray. I even use it for spot cleaning on our bathroom and kitchen floors. An excellent cleaner that won’t make you flee the room from overpowering fumes.

4. Powder Dishwasher Detergent: I’m very happy with the way my dishes come out when using this.

5. Fruit and Vegetable Wash: Several of the DIY cleaners I’ve made incorporates grapefruit seed extract, which has anti-bacterial, anti-fungal, and anti-viral properties.

6. Dry Shampoo For Light and Dark Hair: Save money by using these simple ingredients.

7. Stain Remover: I have two cats and a young daughter… this is a must to have on hand!

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