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xoxo

A few weeks ago, I got a nasty cold that I’m finally getting over. The hubby and I even survived planning and having the hummingbird’s 5th birthday party. The bird is also out of preschool all next week so vodka, here I come!

I want to thank everyone for all the love and support since our loss of baby Ben. I’ve been in a pretty awful funk and depression has been kicking my ass but I’m slowly coming out of it.

I’m really behind on so much and if you’ve emailed me and I haven’t replied yet, I will soon.

This weekend I’m going to sit my ass down and start writing again.

Much love to you for being there through the good and bad. I think the card below says it the best. Mwah!

pissinpants1

*Who Knew

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This is why no good can come from cleaning anything.

What is said on television: Oxiclean, gets the tough stains out, like chocolate pudding.

What I hear: Mmmm… chocolate pudding. You haven’t had that in a while. We probably have a box around somewhere. That stuff lasts forever. You NEED chocolate pudding.

Go look.

Better yet, why don’t you make those brownies you saw on Pinterest. Go ahead and splurge. One brownie won’t kill you.

Sure, it’s past 10 pm and you should get to bed soon but you deserve it. If you start now, you can make them and eat the deliciousness, then be in bed by 11pm.

Ooooh, you also forgot to watch last weeks episode of Teen Mom 2. Eat a brownie or two and watch that. You’ll be in bed by 11:30 tops.

You know you also have some vanilla ice cream in the freezer. If you’re going to make those brownies, you might as well go all out.

And don’t forget the Hershey’s syrup.

Me to self: Fuck you, Oxiclean. Fuck you.

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Bad mommy moment

4 yo hummingbird: What’s wrong, mommy?

me: There’s a butthead in front of me that’s going under the speed limit.

4 yo: Which one’s the butthead?

me: The one in the red truck. He’s been going really slow for miles now on the highway. I think he’s beyond a butthead. He’s an asshole.

4 yo: An asshole?

me: Uh huh.

4 yo: A fucking asshole?

me: Actually, yes. Yes, he is.

Bad, bad mommy!

What’s your “bad” parenting moment this week?

*Spare-Ohs

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Throwback Thursday

One of my favorite pics of all time. Me and my baby sister. I’m sure I was thinking get this grabby, slobbering kid away from me through that smile.

meandbabymeg1*Juliana Hatfield Three 

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There better be a baby in there, damn it!

I’m only halfway through this pregnancy and I feel huge, can’t stop getting sick, have boobs that would rival a porn star, my ass hurts from hemorrhoids that I didn’t have with my first.

I can’t stop drinking lemonade, my ass is killing me, I don’t have a glow but people seem to think I do because that’s only when I’ve puked my guts out right before they see me and there’s a rush of blood to my face.

I get up 2-3 times a night to pee, did I mention how much my ass hurts?, I’m already sleep deprived, my back is freaking killing me, I can’t get up out of a seat without groaning, and I’m horny all the fucking time.

I feel this little one kicking and spinning around but damn it, there better be a baby in there!!

Growing a human is hard work!

*Stubborn Love

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Freaky ass pregnant dreams.

I’m dreaming about Doogie Howser. And driving cars. And explosions and bombs. And almost drowning. And driving more cars. And almost sinking on the Titanic with Doogie. And fires.

I feel like that chick, Nancy, in the original Nightmare On Elm Street except unfortunately my boyfriend isn’t Johnny Depp. Booo! “Whatever you do, don’t go to sleep!”

The other night, I was dreaming I was driving around on a scooter and picked up Neil Patrick Harris to go cruising around. We took a wrong turn and ended up on the set of Titanic when it was flooding and we’re able to drive off the ship at the last minute.

Last night I dreamed that I was in maybe the CIA or FBI and everybody ended up being double agents, including me. There was this big shootout and for some of us to save ourselves, we had to jump into the ocean.

That’s when stingrays started to come to the surface of the water and proceeded to chomp on our feet.

WTF?

Other dreams I’ve had are way to grotesque to even describe. When I looked up the meaning of some of these dreams, it seemed to say that I’m having anxiety of giving birth… water breaking and all of the blood from labor, perhaps?

Another dream I had was I was driving downtown and was in this monster SUV. There was a parade going on and as I was rounding a corner to park, a pomeranian jumps out at me and I have to slam on my brakes. Then, I go in a loop and it starts all over. I’ve had that dream more than once.

I’ve been dreading going to sleep and sometimes wake up at 3 or 4 in the morning, scared out of my mind from some of these really gruesome and really vivid dreams.

I think I may have to start watching Ryan Gosling and Mark Ruffalo movies before bed. Yeah, even if they don’t help my dreams become less scary, they’re great eye candy.

What are some freaky ass dreams you’ve had?

*Just Give Me A Reason

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In-Law Apocalypse

Lock the doors!

Board the windows!

Run for cover!

Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!

It’s the In-Law Apocalypse!!!!

My FIL kept on telling us about his Medicare policy and then seemed to forget he told us because he would then tell us all over again. Also his laugh, oh dear god, he laughs like Marty McFly’s dad, George, from Back To The Future. The in-laws are devoid of humor but anything my husband says makes them go into hysterics. I really don’t get it.

My MIL was her usual bitchy self and mostly I would give a long fuckyoubitchthisisnotyourhousesofuckoff sigh with whatever bitchy thing she said.

I found the best way to deal with them was by directing my attention somewhere else.

So, every time my father-in-law would try to give me one of his long ass lectures about who the hell cares what, I would either pretend I wasn’t hearing him and then walk off or say “oh, that’s nice” and tell my husband something so it would zip up the guy.

What I just don’t fucking get with the in-laws is that they’ve already invited themselves for their next visit.

Ummm, NO!

They want to be here for weeks with the baby bird.

That’s something I was talking to my therapist about, a wonderful woman, and she has me learning about “mindfulness“.

She told me there’s absolutely no reason I should feel guilty about letting the in-laws know that they don’t need to be here for weeks and that I need to think about what’s best for me… without feeling like such a bitch.

Yes!

This is what I’ve needed to hear for years. I always think I’m depriving my husband of time with his parents and then I feel a lot of guilt but like Dr. Mindful says, I need to put our best interests first and not be run by the in-laws.

Every time the in-laws visit, it puts me under incredible stress, ha… like you couldn’t tell… and I really don’t want them here right after the baby bird is born. I really want to have the 4 of us to get in the groove first and bond, not have the in-laws here from the get go. They will be so much more of a hinderance to us than a help anyway.

Sure, I can deal with them being here (okay, not really) for a few days (nope), but fuck me backwards, not for weeks. I’m still baffled by how freaking oblivious my in-laws are when it comes to… everything! Personal space, boundaries, being assholes, you get my point.

So, thanks to Dr. Mindful, I’m starting to figure out how to say no, especially to the visits with the lecture man and the bitchy mcbitchster.

*Bathwater

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