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Dear Pumpkin Spice… I’m Just Not That Into You

Who wouldn't want their vag to smell like pumpkin spice?! Okay, so this isn't real but who knows, it might be a reality soon enough.

Who wouldn’t want their vag to smell like pumpkin spice?! Okay, so this isn’t real but who knows, it might be a reality soon enough.

It’s that time of year where people go apeshit crazy over everything pumpkin spice. Even my husband gets a little giddy when he has his first pumpkin spice latte of the season.

On Pinterest, there’s all kinds of pumpkin spice everything. I go to Target and have seen pumpkin spice Oreo cookies.

There’s pumpkin spice bread, beer, vodka, yogurt, candy, coffee, candles, muffins, lip balm, and on and on.

Pumpkin spice is everywhere!!!

I have a confession. I fucking hate anything to do with pumpkin and really get the gags when it comes to pumpkin spice. I just don’t get the craze.

I must be missing the pumpkin spice gene. I don’t find the taste appealing at all.

Even as a kid, my family would be like happy, little kids because mmmm, pumpkin pie. And I would always be thinking ewww… cold, slimy pumpkin pie. Then, I would douse my piece in whip cream to try and cover the flavor.

The closest I will come to having anything to do with pumpkin is when my husband roasts the seeds.

I’ve noticed this season especially, the pumpkin spice craze started much earlier and I can only imagine just how crazy companies are going to get next year.

Pumpkin spice scented tissues? Pumpkin spice body wash? Pumpkin spice flavored condoms?

Oooh, could you imagine the millions we could make off that stuff?

In the meantime, my family will be doing what we’ve done for the past few years for Thanksgiving. The husband and the hummingbird will go crazy over the pumpkin pie that’s made and I get chocolate cream pie all to myself (okay, I share, a little). And I get to be the proud new owner of about 5 extra pounds on my ass.

Since it’s Thanksgiving next week, what are you thankful for? I don’t mean the typical things… but something that you accomplished. Something you’re proud of doing.

Like kicking an asshole friend out of your life, quitting a job you couldn’t stand, speaking up for yourself, surviving a shopping trip with your kids without any meltdowns, etc.

For me, it was finally realizing I need to stop taking shit from a family member because I was so fed up with the drama. It was hard, it sucks, it hurts, but a weight has been lifted.

Oh yeah, and also that my in-laws aren’t visiting us for Thanksgiving after all. Damn, that’s such a shame.

*I’m going to be done with my medical program at the end of December so posts on my blog up until then might not be as often as I’d like since I’m still slammed with studying. I’m currently having a love affair with Instagram so you can find me on there.

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Back To School

Books1

Well, hello there! I’ve been so busy with school and time with the hummingbird but I’ve really, really missed blogging. For awhile now, I’ve been looking into different education programs that would give me a chance to work outside the home since the hummingbird is finally in Kindergarten.

As much as I write here, other sites, books I’m working on, and my very first screenplay (yay, I’m so excited), I need something that will help supplement my income AND get me out of the house, even if it’s part-time. I really want to go back into the work force and make my own money.

That way, I can tell my husband, especially since it will be coming from my pay that “Yes, we do need that 6 piece martini glass set!” even though he never uses them. Or “I know I already have 7 pairs of boots but I HAD to get another pair in dark brown!” See, I won’t feel as guilty and it’s better than always using my standby excuse… “What, this jacket? Of course it’s not new. It’s been in the back of my closet for years. Well, okay since a few hours before you came home from work.

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I really wanted to go back to college and thought I would just start with a class or two at a local community college in the area but the closest one is 45 minutes away from us. Nope, not gonna do that. Mostly because it will be snowing here like crazy soon and I really don’t want to make such a long commute several times a week.

Another thing I thought of was how much I miss working in skin care, make up artistry, and being an Esthetician. I haven’t worked as one in years but have kept my license up to date. But I felt I really needed some updated training. Only, the closest school for that is about an hour away. Yikes.

Recently though, a friend mentioned how a good number of spas in this area like to do their own training so I’m going through the *frustating pulling my hair out process* of getting my school records together, as well as state board records, grades, testing, things signed in blood, etc. so I can apply for a state license here.

I know, this is boring shit. Sorry.

So, in the mean time I decided that since I’m so impatient and I’m really hoping to get out and work after the beginning of the new year (but it will probably be a little later), I decided on a fast track program. I rather not say exactly what it is but it’s in the medical field. When I was first looking into it, I was told to expect at least 20+ hours of homework a week throughout the program and I thought okay, sure.

Holy shit! Much easier said than done. I missed several classes in the beginning because the hummingbird got sick, then I got sick and had that sinus infection that’s still lingering so I still have several more classes and homework to catch up on. But it’s becoming a little less overwhelming than it was.

The nice thing about this program is if you do happen to miss a class, you can watch the recorded online lectures later.

I admit that what I’ll be doing isn’t something I actually plan on doing forever. And I am kind of bummed I couldn’t make going to college or esthetics work right now. But it will still be nice to have something that I can do no matter where we move to and not have to worry as much with state boards and such.

It would be nice though if I can get my state esthetician license here sooner rather than later. Who knows? If I do, I can mix my medical experience and skin care for my patients. While they’re waiting for the doctor, I could give them a relaxing facial massage. Hehe!

So, that’s why my blog has been abandoned for a bit and it sucks.

The bad news is the group blog I was hoping would work will have to wait since I’m already stretching myself too thin as it is.

I feel if I don’t get back to writing soon, my head will fucking explode. And that’s another thing. I know I will always be writing for years and years to come. That’s a given to me. With these different writing projects I’m working on, my fingers are crossed that something will hopefully come out of it.

I’ve also been thinking for a while about whether or not to put together a blog based book filled with essays I’ve written over the past 4 years, along with some new ones.

It’s been a crazy, hectic last few months since going back to school but I’m so glad things finally seem to be settling down a bit and balancing out.

Whether you work from home or outside the home, how do you manage and balance work and kids? Same if you’re currently back in school?

I’ve found with being a military wife, I’ve had an even tougher time finding work since we move every few years, people you meet in the Navy come and go so references can be a pain to have, and while the interviewer will usually let me know “I thank your husband for his service to our country.”, these people pretty much in the same breath say something a long the lines of “But, you have several moves and job inconsistencies on your resume.”

No fucking way? Really? Hmmm, let’s see. A military wife that has to move every few years, uproot the family, and start all over again in a completely new place? Well, duh! Okay, being told that so many times over the years has really gotten to me.

If you’re a military wife, how have you managed having a career while moving place to place? Has it been easy for you or harder?

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When You Go Out Of Your Way To Make A Nice Meal For Your Family And They Kind Of End Up Being A**holes About It.

1350591749695_7822193*I’m still sick and I have to say, I am the biggest pussy ever when it comes to having a cold. It definitely makes you see just how good you have it when you’re healthy.

Last week, when I was in my “pre-sick” stage, I wanted to make a nice dinner for my husband and the little hummingbird. It’s also the day that I made the incredibly orgasmic mini salted caramel apple pies.

Even though we’re a family of 3, it’s such a pain in the ass to get everyone on the same page when it comes to agreeing on what to make for a meal. Okay, actually I need to take that back. My husband will eat anything. Even some of the most horrible, OMG, what the fuck went wrong meals I’ve made over the years.

It’s my 5 year-old daughter who is picky, picky, picky.

Here’s where I have to say I for the most part ate pretty much everything my mom made. She was a single mom for many years and we had several meals of those cheap pot pies. She did the best that she could to feed us so I absolutely appreciate her efforts.

Come to think of it, I was probably more of a whiny little kid when it came to the food we had but I did my best to eat what she was able to afford.

Anyway, as a parent, there is probably at least one time, if not more, where you make a nice dinner for your family and go out of your way to cover all of the different tastes for them. It’s a pain in the ass but damn it, you want everyone to sit down, have a nice dinner, and not bitch and complain.

This particular night did not go as planned. Of course it didn’t. Fuckity fuck!

It may not seem like a fabulous dinner but I made buffalo macaroni and cheese. The perfect comfort food. So delicious and kid friendly. I even made a special casserole dish of it for the hummingbird.

I was running an hour behind though and everyone was bitchy by the time I was able to serve it up.

I was also bitchy and a total asshole to my husband because while preparing this meal, I realized that while I went to the store earlier, I forgot to get half and half. Fuck!

Then I flipped the hell out and sent my poor husband to the quick mart down the road. He was trying to be helpful and offer alternatives but I was all like NO! I FUCKING NEED THIS FUCKING HALF AND HALF, FUCKING FUCK!

Not one of my proudest moments… obviously.

I finally get this dinner in order and on the table. But did my family appreciate it? Hell no!

My hubby chowed down without breathing because he was so damn hungry and my daughter whined and said she didn’t like it. She wanted me to make Kraft mac n’ cheese instead.

And I had to get up multiple times for my daughter. “Can you please get me a napkin, mom? I wanted juice instead. I dropped my fork, can you get another one? My food is cold now, can you microwave it? Now my food is too hot and I can’t eat it. I don’t like this. Can I have something else?”

OMG! Really, people? REALLY?!

So, I sat there and cried. I totally lost it and cried while thinking fuck this shit.

I sat on the couch and cursed my family under my breath while my husband and daughter happily played together after dinner.

But then, I kinda sorta pulled it together and we had those delicious apple pies for dessert.

And all was finally good again.

Because mmmm, pie!

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Hey Siri, Play Guns N’ Roses, November Rain. Siri: Forecast For Tomorrow, 63 Degrees And Mild.

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Technology is supposed to make things easier but obviously, there are times when you wish you kept a sledgehammer handy.

My husband finally got a smartphone. Since he’s in the military, at his last job, he had to have a phone without a camera for security reasons. He would give me shit for the obsession I have with my iPhone but now he’s currently having quite the love affair with Siri. And it’s driving me crazy.

Mostly because Siri acts like a drunk crackhead.

Sure, it’s pretty entertaining but Siri, get your shit together! The husband asks Siri things over and over and over again and in that time, he could have easily Googled the same thing hundreds of times.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: Forecast for tomorrow is mild at 63.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: I found rain on Wikipedia. Let me get that for you now.

Husband: Hey Siri, look up cats farting.

Hummingbird: *giggles*

Siri: Hi Husband, what can I help you with?

~~~~~

I don’t usually deal with Siri on my phone but my husband convinced me to give it a shot. To save my sanity, I’ll pass on Siri for now.

Me: Hey Siri, email husband.

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, email Husband.

Siri: Which song would you like?

Me: Hey Siri, email HUSBAND!

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, you dumbfuck… EMAIL HUSBAND!

Siri: Playing video, Californication.

Me: SIRI! CALL HUSBAND!

Siri: Would you like home, cell, or other?

Me: Cell.

Siri: Facetime with Eric beginning now.

Stab! Stab! Stab!

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Thank You

I’ve been having a really tough week with depression and even though you may not know it, I wanted to say how much I thank you, all of you, who reads my nonsensical writing.

Taking the time out in your busy day to read my blog is something I greatly appreciate, more than I can put into words.

For the past 4 years, you have helped me deal with issues just by me being able to write about them and I hope in some small way, I have helped at least someone out there by being so honest with my feelings.

I know so well what it’s like to feel alone… different from others. So, the thought of possibly having even one person feel more “normal” helps me. Needless to say, I don’t like to sugarcoat things for that reason.

If you ever feel even the tiniest inclination to reach out to me for any reason, to vent or just write to feel better, ANY REASON at all, whether or not we are strangers, please don’t hesitate to email me…. elle.mommyhood@gmail.com.

I’ll be there to listen. If it takes me time to answer, know that I’m crazy busy or scatterbrained… as usual.

So, in my usual long-winded way, THANK YOU! <3

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The Trash Can Dance Off

oscarthegrouch1When my husband and I first got married, it was a really tough adjustment living with someone else. But we were in (mostly) newlywed bliss. Despite the several polite, newlywed fights, followed by the make up sex, rinse and repeat, we could do no wrong in each other’s eyes. Even when we wanted to kill each other at times.

About a year after we married and he graduated college, he joined the Navy, went to OCS, and came back home 3 months later. We soon hauled ass to Georgia where he went to school for 7 months. During this time, the newlywed bubble seemed to be popping and that’s when I noticed that my “perfect, could never do anything to annoy me husband” started to do those little annoying things.

When it came to taking out the trash, we were both stubborn as hell and still are. Hence, the trash can dance off.

You may know it. The trash can starts filling up and you stick your foot in it to smash it down and there you are with one foot in the trash can, one foot on the floor, and you may even add a little wiggle while weighing your foot (while wearing shoes) on the trash, stuffing it down as far as you can.

Because you don’t want to be the one to take it out. I leave feeling satisfied that I won’t have to deal with it, only to find out the next morning that he seems to have done the same thing. That’s when we know, without ever speaking about it, that the trash can dance IS ON! This game has been played between us for many, many years.

I’ll spend the day stuffing the trash down, certain that when my husband gets home, he will see it bursting at the seams and will take it out. My husband will come home and be certain that I’ll see that the trash can is bursting at the seams and he’ll think I’ll end up taking it out.

I’ll see the trash can right before bed with the lid poking up as if to say “Please, please one of you stop this silly shit and take me out! I’m going to explode!” I think to myself “There’s no way my husband will be able to put anything else in it the next morning.” And I will be certain that a fresh, new trash bag will be in it by the next day.

Nope.

That butthead is trying to out trash can dance me!! I’ll stuff it down even more with my foot but the lid isn’t having it and still pokes up. Fine, then I just won’t throw anything away today.

But even adding one tissue or paper towel to the trash makes the trash can wave the white flag and surrender. Damn it! Okay, okay, I’ll take it out this time.

But the next time my husband and I have a trash can dance off, I will win.

Oh yes, I will win!

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Despite 3 bathrooms, my kid ALWAYS wants to use the one I’m using. For clarification purposes, I’m not in the bathroom right now. No, really, I’m not.

It never fails. No matter when I need to make a quick trip to the bathroom, my daughter decides all of a sudden that she has to go to. Then it’s a mad dash to get there. We have a guest bathroom but I just don’t like using it.

Mostly because my husband uses that one a lot and so does my 5 year-old. And our 2 cats eat in there so you have to dodge whatever cat food they knocked out of their bowl and onto the floor without it sticking to your bare feet. I guess cat food tastes better off the floor than from a bowl. What animals!

My husband has his own bathroom and the little hummingbird and I share one.

I don’t use the hubby’s bathroom because to be honest, ewww… boys. Walking into his bathroom is like walking on the set of Nightmare On Elm Street, where at any time Freddy Krueger could jump out of nowhere. His bathroom is clean-ish but scary at the same time. When I must walk in for emergency purposes, I swear the music from Psycho starts playing in my mind.

No, you can't make me! I will not go into my man's bathroom!

No, you can’t make me! I will not go into my man’s bathroom!

I’ll slowly open the door. His shower will be dripping. The smell of man pee starts to hit me. There will be an empty roll of toilet paper, just waiting to be changed. His sink will have hair all over from when he shaved that morning. And there will be a big ass ball of clumpy dried soap on the dispenser.

Am I the only one that actually cleans my soap dispenser just so that ball of goop doesn’t form?

But anyway, back to the hummingbird.

She’s not afraid to use his bathroom.  So, I usually ask her to use his so I can use mine. But nope, the battle of the butts is what we usually resort to. Whoever gets their butt on the toilet first wins of course. I’m sure that’s quite a sight. We’ll run up the stairs side by side, giggling all the way up, and we drop trou as soon as we hit the bathroom door.

If she does win, and let’s face it, she is younger and faster, I’ll just wait until she’s done. The hummingbird always asks me why I don’t just go into the hubby’s bathroom and that’s when the Psycho music starts going around in my mind.

SCREECH, SCREECH, SCREECH, SCREECH.

What I imagine happening ever time I take a shower.

What I imagine happening ever time I take a shower.

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