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When my husband wants to drag me out into the wilderness to go camping, I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s planning to kill me and I start thinking about who I want to play us in the Lifetime movie, Camping With A Killer.

We stopped by Stephen King's house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

We stopped by Stephen King’s house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

I would hope someone like Jennie Garth would play me but the way things are going for him, it would probably be Shia LaBeouf in a blond wig. I think Kanye West would be a fantastic choice for the role of my husband because Kanye is so damn angry all the time and you need that kind of drama in a Lifetime movie. Could you imagine?

Hey, honey, let’s roast some marshmallows and make some s’mores.

I don’t wanna make any fucking s’mores, damn it!! I’m Kanye West!!! I’m THE MOST CREATIVE person in the world.

Ummm, okay, how about if we go kayaking?

Fuck that noise, I’m Kanye. I AM THE MOST IMPACTFUL ARTIST OF OUR GENERATION.

Well, then, can you read the hummingbird a bedtime story?

No, no I can’t! I AM SHAKSPEARE IN THE FLESH! I don’t need books to read. I’m KANYE! I’m YEEZUS, BABY!

Yes, yes we need Kanye for my Lifetime movie. Talk about ratings gold.

So, anyway, my husband had his birthday recently and wanted to go camping for a few days. He saved his ass by reserving a cabin for us instead of actually sleeping in a tent.

I still got eaten alive by bugs, we didn’t have any air conditioning, and we reeked of bug spray, sunscreen, and smoke from the fire so I still considered it camping.

The second day that we were there, we hung out by the lake for most of the day. Next to us were 2 couples who had about 8 or 9 kids between them and I was in awe over how laid back they were.

We dubbed one of them “the chill couple”.

With just my 5 year-old, I admit I can be a helicopter mom so seeing the chill couple was fascinating. Nothing their kids did seemed to phase them. Chill couple gave their kids money when they asked for it, and the kids came bag with a ginormous bucket of cotton candy and ring pops. Their kids asked if it was okay if they ate it now and chill couple was all suuure.

They were the kind of parents I wish I could be as far as not having anything phase me. I worry about everything when it comes to the hummingbird. I thought it would get better as she got older but I worry more now that she’s out in the real world a little more. And don’t even get me started about her beginning kindergarten in the fall and all the worry I have about that. Eeek!

Anyway, nothing ever bothered chill couple the whole afternoon, no matter if their kids whined, were fighting, or however many times they yelled out Watch! Watch this!! from the lake.

As we were driving back to our cabin that night, my husband let me in on a little secret of chill couple.

He told me they had been slamming back beers since early that morning.

AHA! The secret to chill parenting is lots and lots and lots of alcohol. Duh!

The hummindbird caught a fish.

The hummindbird caught a fish.

I actually had a really nice time once the shock of the wilderness and being eaten alive by horse flies and mosquitoes wore off. Sidenote: Moose have been in the news more frequently here as far as being involved in car accidents. They said the reason they’re more prevalent in the summer is because more cars are on the road AND the summer bugs of Maine drive moose crazy so they run out of the woods into the roads here.

So, yeah, 1,000 pound moose are driven so crazy by the damn bugs here which is why they run into the roads. Now I don’t feel so bad about bitching so much when it comes to the bug bites I get just from being outside a few minutes because even big ass moose can’t handle it.

On the way back home, it took a few hours to get back into civilization and wi-fi and we drove through a really small town that had signs on either side of the street. To the left. Vote Yes! A few feet after that: Vote no!

On the right: Vote YES! Vote no!

We had no idea what this tiny town was voting over but they had the yes and no signs on both sides of the street for at least a mile and it was like watching a tennis match.

Then the husband and I were talking about some of the things we did as kids to our parents. I forgot how that even came up but we agreed that one of the worst things we did was when we would go out shopping with our moms. Back then, they had circular clothes racks and the hubby and I were talking about what a kick we got out of hiding in the middle of the rack.

As I would hear the panic grow in my mom’s voice as she would be calling my name and looking for me, I would be in the clothes rack, giggling like crazy. The hubby also had fond memories of doing that to his mom.

We talked about some more bad behavior like that and that’s when I came to the conclusion that we were total assholes. If the hummingbird ever pulled that on me, unlike the chill couple, I would probably have a heart attack.

Once we finally got home, I actually missed our little cabin but after firing up my laptop and the television, I soon got over that. But, yes, we had fun. And I came out of it alive.

Sorry, Lifetime.

What are you doing this summer?

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Due

prints1

This week has been really rough. Baby Ben was supposed to be due this week. We lost him back in mid-March when I was 28 weeks pregnant. We had already lost him before he was born but we were able to see him afterwards.

We also got his prints which I haven’t looked at again until this week. I thought I would be able to handle setting out his ashes in the urn but when we received them, we locked them up in the safe.

The little hummingbird has been telling me lately that she really misses the baby that was in my belly. She often asks if I’m going to have another baby and the answer is I really hope so.

I have absolutely no idea when we’re going to try again but at the same time, I’m no spring chicken and don’t have a lot of time to wait. I’m also scared as hell when it comes to getting pregnant again.

I know I’ll be very happy if we just have our beautiful 5 year-old but I have made planty of room in my heart for another child and I hope that gets filled.

*No Need To Argue

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This one time… in Mexico…

Years ago, my husband and I moved to San Diego where he had been stationed by the Navy. We had to stay in a hotel for a bit before we could move into our rental house. I got a sweet surprise when my younger sister, Alotta Fagina, and a friend of her’s, “Ivy”, came to visit for a few days.

The second day they were there, the four of us thought, “Hey, let’s go to Mexico!”

Off to Tijuana we went.

We took the train down to Mexico and hopped in a cab to our first club to get our drink on.

I’m suck a lightweight and was toast after the first few drinks. I think we may have hit another bar… probably… maybe.

We somehow ended up standing outside of a strip club, having our drunk asses deciding whether or not to go in.

Why the hell not?

We were seated at a table right next to the stripper stage and order a round of drinks. Actually my husband ordered and something got lost in translation because instead of 4 beers total, we got 4 beers each.

Challenge accepted!

We had to leave in the next hour to make the last train back to San Diego but kept extending the time at the strip club. I was probably the drunkest I’ve ever been, I think we all were.

That’s why when one of the workers from the club asked us girls if we wanted to give the stripper pole a try, it sounded like a GREAT idea.

Sadly, wanting to be an aspiring stripper in Mexico was short-lived for me. I chickened out but Ivy and my sister went on with it.

Ivy’s turn came and while trying to swing around the pole, she wiped out a row of beers from the customers sitting in the front.

Spilled beer….. Nooooo!

My sister was up next and I sat there battling my older sister instincts to get her the hell off stage vs. being really drunk and having the whole thing making me laugh my ass off.

Neither Ivy nor Alotta took anything off but I’ve gotta tell you, my sister had some pro stripper moves.

Alotta was whipping around the stripper pole and was a natural. Where the hell did she learn this shit??

I can still picture her and every now and then, it randomly pops up in my head and I start laughing like an idiot.

We finally were able to get Alotta off the pole and made our way to the train back to San Diego.

While waiting, my sister and I had to pee so bad but there was nowhere to go. Since we’re such classy ladies, we found a spot by the trash cans behind a Carl’s Jr.

It would have been easy enough to pee but the world was spinning for the two of us and the four of us were in hysterics. We just couldn’t stand up straight long enough to go.

That’s when the manager of the fast food place came walking out and we ran our asses away from there, laughing all the way.

Since then, I’ve had many years of never letting my sister forget that one time in Mexico.

*Lady Marmalade

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xoxo

A few weeks ago, I got a nasty cold that I’m finally getting over. The hubby and I even survived planning and having the hummingbird’s 5th birthday party. The bird is also out of preschool all next week so vodka, here I come!

I want to thank everyone for all the love and support since our loss of baby Ben. I’ve been in a pretty awful funk and depression has been kicking my ass but I’m slowly coming out of it.

I’m really behind on so much and if you’ve emailed me and I haven’t replied yet, I will soon.

This weekend I’m going to sit my ass down and start writing again.

Much love to you for being there through the good and bad. I think the card below says it the best. Mwah!

pissinpants1

*Who Knew

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This is why no good can come from cleaning anything.

What is said on television: Oxiclean, gets the tough stains out, like chocolate pudding.

What I hear: Mmmm… chocolate pudding. You haven’t had that in a while. We probably have a box around somewhere. That stuff lasts forever. You NEED chocolate pudding.

Go look.

Better yet, why don’t you make those brownies you saw on Pinterest. Go ahead and splurge. One brownie won’t kill you.

Sure, it’s past 10 pm and you should get to bed soon but you deserve it. If you start now, you can make them and eat the deliciousness, then be in bed by 11pm.

Ooooh, you also forgot to watch last weeks episode of Teen Mom 2. Eat a brownie or two and watch that. You’ll be in bed by 11:30 tops.

You know you also have some vanilla ice cream in the freezer. If you’re going to make those brownies, you might as well go all out.

And don’t forget the Hershey’s syrup.

Me to self: Fuck you, Oxiclean. Fuck you.

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Bad mommy moment

4 yo hummingbird: What’s wrong, mommy?

me: There’s a butthead in front of me that’s going under the speed limit.

4 yo: Which one’s the butthead?

me: The one in the red truck. He’s been going really slow for miles now on the highway. I think he’s beyond a butthead. He’s an asshole.

4 yo: An asshole?

me: Uh huh.

4 yo: A fucking asshole?

me: Actually, yes. Yes, he is.

Bad, bad mommy!

What’s your “bad” parenting moment this week?

*Spare-Ohs

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Throwback Thursday

One of my favorite pics of all time. Me and my baby sister. I’m sure I was thinking get this grabby, slobbering kid away from me through that smile.

meandbabymeg1*Juliana Hatfield Three 

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