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Kindergarten Hummingbird

Her first day of Kindergarten has finally arrived. Yes, I cried. I was fine… mostly… this morning. But when the school bus got here and when it was her turn to walk up the steps, the little bird looked up at me as if to say “Screw this, mom!”

After I took her hand to get her on the bus and as it drove away, I wanted to yell “OH MY GOD, MY BABY IS ON THE BUS!!” as I fell to my knees and shook my fists at the sky.

You know, for the full effect.

So, of course we had to go outside while the husband and I took a zillion photos of this first day.

Hold it together! Hold it together! Don’t cry!

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Comic relief. Her backpack is bigger than her!

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Aaaand there goes the hummingbird. Thankfully, I had a therapy appointment right after so I could sob, whine, and babble about my baby growing up… Oh wait, whining and babbling is what I do on my blog too!

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Then I had a shit load of errands to run and her soccer practice that we had to go to after she got home from school. I thought once she starts school, I would have more time. Ha!

I wanted to do something special for her when she got off the bus so I got some flowers for her… she looks less than thrilled.

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Holy hell, this new schedule is such an adjustment. And she has her first soccer game this weekend. And her gymnastics class starts soon! Agghh! Fingers crossed that we don’t get in the same class as Kate Gosselin 2.0 like last time.

How have you been adjusting to school starting for your kids? Are you a new Kindergarten parent like me? Do I need to stock up on more alcohol and chocolate from all of these crazy new happenings in our schedule?

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How To Survive A Visit From Your In Laws

1324012756612_5703688My in laws have finally left and surprisingly, I survived. I pretty much avoided them and stayed out of their way as much as possible. Unless of course they took us out to eat. Because HELLO, FREE FOOD! Who the hell doesn’t like a free meal?! Nobody, that’s who.

If I didn’t avoid them as much as I was able to, I would probably be writing this with pencil and paper from a prison cell. I would’ve been all Orange Is The New Black but really though, orange just isn’t my color.

Well, it isn’t really anyone’s color, except for maybe super hotties like Mark Ruffalo, Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, Liev Schrieber, or perhaps even the always gorgeous Kerry Washington and Robin Wright.

But I’m totally getting off point here.

For the low, low price of zilch, zero, nada, you too can follow these easy steps to survive your visiting in laws.

Take notes, people! There may be a pop quiz later on.

Step 1: Drink… A Lot. Vodka or wine in a coffee mug is a great choice. Especially one that has been hand painted by your child. It will look sweet and innocent but at the same time, you’ll be getting plastered. It’s a win win.

Hiding your alcohol intake will be one less thing your mother in law will judge you by and bitch about. It will also make it more tolerable and entertaining when your in laws tell you stories about your spouse growing up that you’ve heard 1oo times before.

Step 2: Fake an illness (cramps, bloating, pms, mad cow disease, problematic anal warts) and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Make sure to let out a few groans of pain in their presence.

Step 3: Fake raging diarrhea and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Nobody questions diarrhea. Ever.

Step 4: See steps 1-3.

Happy visiting!

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I’m Finally Ready

Well, as ready as one can be after losing a child.

After we lost Ben, it took some time to receive his ashes. When we finally got them, we quietly decided that the best thing to do at the time was to lock them in our safe.

While we didn’t speak the words, I think it was mostly because we weren’t ready to accept it. So there his ashes sat, locked away along with our feelings about such a tremendous loss.

Recently, I felt it was time to take them out. Time to slowly face what happened, as difficult as it is.

The loss is too great and I still can’t seem to find the words to express my grief.

The pain comes in waves and I think the reason that it happens that way is because if grief came all at once, it would be too overwhelming to handle.

Too heartbreaking.

So much more heartbreaking and devastating than it already is when dealing with this grief every day.

But I’m finally ready to take this first step.

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Due

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This week has been really rough. Baby Ben was supposed to be due this week. We lost him back in mid-March when I was 28 weeks pregnant. We had already lost him before he was born but we were able to see him afterwards.

We also got his prints which I haven’t looked at again until this week. I thought I would be able to handle setting out his ashes in the urn but when we received them, we locked them up in the safe.

The little hummingbird has been telling me lately that she really misses the baby that was in my belly. She often asks if I’m going to have another baby and the answer is I really hope so.

I have absolutely no idea when we’re going to try again but at the same time, I’m no spring chicken and don’t have a lot of time to wait. I’m also scared as hell when it comes to getting pregnant again.

I know I’ll be very happy if we just have our beautiful 5 year-old but I have made plenty of room in my heart for another child and I hope that gets filled.

*No Need To Argue

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In-Law Apocalypse

Lock the doors!

Board the windows!

Run for cover!

Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!

It’s the In-Law Apocalypse!!!!

My FIL kept on telling us about his Medicare policy and then seemed to forget he told us because he would then tell us all over again. Also his laugh, oh dear god, he laughs like Marty McFly’s dad, George, from Back To The Future. The in-laws are devoid of humor but anything my husband says makes them go into hysterics. I really don’t get it.

My MIL was her usual bitchy self and mostly I would give a long fuckyoubitchthisisnotyourhousesofuckoff sigh with whatever bitchy thing she said.

I found the best way to deal with them was by directing my attention somewhere else.

So, every time my father-in-law would try to give me one of his long ass lectures about who the hell cares what, I would either pretend I wasn’t hearing him and then walk off or say “oh, that’s nice” and tell my husband something so it would zip up the guy.

What I just don’t fucking get with the in-laws is that they’ve already invited themselves for their next visit.

Ummm, NO!

They want to be here for weeks with the baby bird.

That’s something I was talking to my therapist about, a wonderful woman, and she has me learning about “mindfulness“.

She told me there’s absolutely no reason I should feel guilty about letting the in-laws know that they don’t need to be here for weeks and that I need to think about what’s best for me… without feeling like such a bitch.

Yes!

This is what I’ve needed to hear for years. I always think I’m depriving my husband of time with his parents and then I feel a lot of guilt but like Dr. Mindful says, I need to put our best interests first and not be run by the in-laws.

Every time the in-laws visit, it puts me under incredible stress, ha… like you couldn’t tell… and I really don’t want them here right after the baby bird is born. I really want to have the 4 of us to get in the groove first and bond, not have the in-laws here from the get go. They will be so much more of a hinderance to us than a help anyway.

Sure, I can deal with them being here (okay, not really) for a few days (nope), but fuck me backwards, not for weeks. I’m still baffled by how freaking oblivious my in-laws are when it comes to… everything! Personal space, boundaries, being assholes, you get my point.

So, thanks to Dr. Mindful, I’m starting to figure out how to say no, especially to the visits with the lecture man and the bitchy mcbitchster.

*Bathwater

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Metal

I’m not sure if I wrote about this before but my stomach is full of metal.

Nuts and bolts, screws, and a metal screen. It’s what’s holding the inside of my stomach together after the doctors shredded my stomach. It’s full of this crazy shit because of my botched c-section with the hummingbird back in 2009.

I really want to have a vaginal birth but I’m worried I’ll have to have another c-section.

That is my biggest fear and one of the things that has me so worried. With all that hardware in my stomach, I’m afraid of having a cesarean because of it. Terrified actually. Terrified that because of this, I may have even more complications if they have to open me up and mess around with my pieced back together stomach.

Who knows. Maybe the stars will align at the right time and I’ll get to have a vaginal birth after all. I just really don’t want to be sliced open.

Especially when the doctor that pieced me back together said while yes, it’s safe to have another baby, a c-section could really complicate matters because most of the metal is where they would cut for the c-section and I would also need to have a surgeon on hand “just in case”.

I have this vision of having to get a cesarean done and while they pull this baby bird out of me, all these bolts and screws will fall out of my stomach and jingle around on the floor.

Can you imagine…  it would sound like a piggy bank being dropped in the room. *ding… ding.. ding*

My ob/gyn set me up for a VBAC consultation at another hospital when I’m 20 weeks, along with my “big” ultrasound. I guess they have different guidelines at the hospital close to our house so I wouldn’t qualify for a VBAC here.

My nerves are starting to go away as far as being constantly worried about the baby bird. A lot of it has to do with the exceptional medical care and compassion I’ve received from all the doctors in Maine.

I knew how fucked up and traumatized I was with the horrible care I received with my first pregnancy at Bethesda Naval and Walter Reed but now that I finally know what prenatal care is supposed to be like, it’s such a huge relief.

I also plan on having a doula and I’m in the early stages of researching the process. I think it will be tremendously helpful to have a doula there for the birth. Even if I do end up having another c-section.

But because of all the metal in my stomach, here’s hoping I can push that baby out the way it came in.

Did you have a doula for childbirth? Pros? Any cons? Advice?

*The Raconteurs

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Nerves

Monday is the big day. It’s the first ultrasound for the baby bird. I am fucking terrified. I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs? I admit I’ve been a nervous wreck since I found out I was pregnant last month. I can’t bear the thought of finding out something is wrong… another miscarriage.

When I went to see my ob/gyn a few weeks ago, after asking some basic questions, she stopped and then asked what could she do to help me calm my nerves and feel more relaxed. She also gave me a hug.

I was fucking floored and wanted to cry after that. In a good way.

I NEVER experienced that kind of compassion when I was pregnant with the hummingbird and had to go to the military hospital in Bethesda and dealt with all of those asshole military doctors.

It finally feels like I’m healing from Postpartum PTSD after all this time. This pregnancy experience has been unbelievably better already and I feel like I actually have some say in these things, unlike last time when I just felt like I was ordered around with very little explanation.

Dr. Awesome even set me up to have my 20 week ultrasound along with a consultation for a VBAC with a clinic in Portland. Even if I don’t get the natural delivery I’ve been wanting since I was pregnant with the hummingbird, my doctor has already proven that I can trust her which is such a relief to me.

So, I don’t know why I’m still such a nervous wreck but I’m hoping that once I finally see the baby bird on the ultrasound, all of these nerves will finally settle down so I can enjoy the hell out of this pregnancy. Both the good and the bad that comes along with it… even the awful and constant morning sickness.

*Fake Plastic Trees

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