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1 Year

It’s been a year since we lost Ben. He would have been 9 months old. I find it hard not to think about how life would be if he was in it.

He would have an adoring older sister who would give him plenty of attention, love, and lots of kisses.

He would be crawling and using one of the cats as a chew toy.

He would have that adorably adorable drool dripping smile.

He would have irresistible chubby baby legs.

For the longest time I was internalizing the grief. But last week I started thinking about him and just sat where I had been standing and was crying for the longest time.

Even though we were supposed to box these up months ago, his clothes are still in my bottom dresser drawer. His crib bedding and swaddling blankets are still in the office closet.

My head is telling me it’s time to accept it and put away his things.

My heart is telling me it’s not ready.

*Just Breathe

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Essential Oil Junkie

A few years ago, I became a major tea freak and went crazy for everything Teavana. This time around it’s essential oils. I’ve used them for years in the skin care products I make, in my favorite non-toxic cleaner, and soap bars. For several months now, I’ve been using them on myself and recently started to diffuse in the house.

After trying several different brands, I found I like doTerra the best. I’m not getting paid way to say that by the way. I was a little worried about getting a proprietary oil since I’m very particular about smell and the first oil I decided on was Serenity. Among the blend is lavender, roman chamomile, and vanilla bean.

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I decided to buy the oils straight from doTerra since I read what seemed like too many comments on Amazon saying some of the oils seem fake.

I also go these glass roll on bottles along with fractionated coconut oil to mix in with the oil. It makes for a less messy application. The hummingbird was seeing me put this on my feet every night and now she loves to use it too. When in doubt about where to place essential oils, place it on the bottom of your feet, under your big toe. Feet have the largest pores so it sucks that oil right up.

After so long, I decided to try doTerra Balance and Breathe since I had the flu (using OnGuard is great too) and couldn’t stop coughing, plus asthma. I also finally got a diffuser.

The first diffuser I got works really well but it’s small and only last for 3 hours at the most. I realized that I need to spend more money for one that will last through the night. So, I just got this one that I’m very happy with and it lasts several hours. I’ve already put the smaller diffuser in the hummingbird’s room, which she really likes.

The only issue I had with the new diffuser, which was my own fault, is that I didn’t put the lid on very well so water sloshed all over the place.

I’ve been very pleased with the smells of the oils I’ve gotten so far. I have the nose of a dog and can gag at perfume smells especially if it’s to overpowering but I haven’t had that problem with these oils. It can take a few tries to get used to the smell though.

During the day, I diffuse Balance, which has spruce, blue tansy, and frankincense. It promotes calmness and tranquility.

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At night, I alternate with Breathe, which has lemon, peppermint, and cardamom, and Serenity.

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Because of my anxiety and insomnia, I feel like some of the oils I’ve been using have helped to lessen the effects of all my nighttime worry, stress, and panic I have once I hit the bed.

There are several more doTerra oils I want to try out but because of the expense, I’m trying not to go crazy. I’m still on an anti-depressant but it’s nice to incorporate something more natural to help with my anxious feelings.

Something else I started using since the winters are so tough here and I have SAD during this season is an energy light lamp. I wish I had gotten one sooner. I finally decided on Lightphoria which is pricey but I wanted to get something that wasn’t going to break within a week.

So, while essential oils and light therapy doesn’t miraculously cure you overnight and I still have my bad days, I’m finding that it has been helping to make things a little less overwhelming.

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And Why Is This A Problem?!

So, I get stuck with depression, anxiety, panic attacks, social anxiety, and seasonal affective disorder.

But these women get stuck with too many orgasms, most which don’t require sex.

I was flipping through the channels the other night and came hahaha across this show.

Really, now? Really?!

Just think of all the money you would save on Ben and Jerry’s ice cream to get a similar effect.

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Kindergarten Hummingbird

Her first day of Kindergarten has finally arrived. Yes, I cried. I was fine… mostly… this morning. But when the school bus got here and when it was her turn to walk up the steps, the little bird looked up at me as if to say “Screw this, mom!”

After I took her hand to get her on the bus and as it drove away, I wanted to yell “OH MY GOD, MY BABY IS ON THE BUS!!” as I fell to my knees and shook my fists at the sky.

You know, for the full effect.

So, of course we had to go outside while the husband and I took a zillion photos of this first day.

Hold it together! Hold it together! Don’t cry!

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Comic relief. Her backpack is bigger than her!

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Aaaand there goes the hummingbird. Thankfully, I had a therapy appointment right after so I could sob, whine, and babble about my baby growing up… Oh wait, whining and babbling is what I do on my blog too!

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Then I had a shit load of errands to run and her soccer practice that we had to go to after she got home from school. I thought once she starts school, I would have more time. Ha!

I wanted to do something special for her when she got off the bus so I got some flowers for her… she looks less than thrilled.

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Holy hell, this new schedule is such an adjustment. And she has her first soccer game this weekend. And her gymnastics class starts soon! Agghh! Fingers crossed that we don’t get in the same class as Kate Gosselin 2.0 like last time.

How have you been adjusting to school starting for your kids? Are you a new Kindergarten parent like me? Do I need to stock up on more alcohol and chocolate from all of these crazy new happenings in our schedule?

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How To Survive A Visit From Your In Laws

1324012756612_5703688My in laws have finally left and surprisingly, I survived. I pretty much avoided them and stayed out of their way as much as possible. Unless of course they took us out to eat. Because HELLO, FREE FOOD! Who the hell doesn’t like a free meal?! Nobody, that’s who.

If I didn’t avoid them as much as I was able to, I would probably be writing this with pencil and paper from a prison cell. I would’ve been all Orange Is The New Black but really though, orange just isn’t my color.

Well, it isn’t really anyone’s color, except for maybe super hotties like Mark Ruffalo, Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, Liev Schrieber, or perhaps even the always gorgeous Kerry Washington and Robin Wright.

But I’m totally getting off point here.

For the low, low price of zilch, zero, nada, you too can follow these easy steps to survive your visiting in laws.

Take notes, people! There may be a pop quiz later on.

Step 1: Drink… A Lot. Vodka or wine in a coffee mug is a great choice. Especially one that has been hand painted by your child. It will look sweet and innocent but at the same time, you’ll be getting plastered. It’s a win win.

Hiding your alcohol intake will be one less thing your mother in law will judge you by and bitch about. It will also make it more tolerable and entertaining when your in laws tell you stories about your spouse growing up that you’ve heard 1oo times before.

Step 2: Fake an illness (cramps, bloating, pms, mad cow disease, problematic anal warts) and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Make sure to let out a few groans of pain in their presence.

Step 3: Fake raging diarrhea and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Nobody questions diarrhea. Ever.

Step 4: See steps 1-3.

Happy visiting!

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I’m Finally Ready

Well, as ready as one can be after losing a child.

After we lost Ben, it took some time to receive his ashes. When we finally got them, we quietly decided that the best thing to do at the time was to lock them in our safe.

While we didn’t speak the words, I think it was mostly because we weren’t ready to accept it. So there his ashes sat, locked away along with our feelings about such a tremendous loss.

Recently, I felt it was time to take them out. Time to slowly face what happened, as difficult as it is.

The loss is too great and I still can’t seem to find the words to express my grief.

The pain comes in waves and I think the reason that it happens that way is because if grief came all at once, it would be too overwhelming to handle.

Too heartbreaking.

So much more heartbreaking and devastating than it already is when dealing with this grief every day.

But I’m finally ready to take this first step.

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Due

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This week has been really rough. Baby Ben was supposed to be due this week. We lost him back in mid-March when I was 28 weeks pregnant. We had already lost him before he was born but we were able to see him afterwards.

We also got his prints which I haven’t looked at again until this week. I thought I would be able to handle setting out his ashes in the urn but when we received them, we locked them up in the safe.

The little hummingbird has been telling me lately that she really misses the baby that was in my belly. She often asks if I’m going to have another baby and the answer is I really hope so.

I have absolutely no idea when we’re going to try again but at the same time, I’m no spring chicken and don’t have a lot of time to wait. I’m also scared as hell when it comes to getting pregnant again.

I know I’ll be very happy if we just have our beautiful 5 year-old but I have made plenty of room in my heart for another child and I hope that gets filled.

*No Need To Argue

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