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In-Law Apocalypse

Lock the doors!

Board the windows!

Run for cover!

Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!

It’s the In-Law Apocalypse!!!!

My FIL kept on telling us about his Medicare policy and then seemed to forget he told us because he would then tell us all over again. Also his laugh, oh dear god, he laughs like Marty McFly’s dad, George, from Back To The Future. The in-laws are devoid of humor but anything my husband says makes them go into hysterics. I really don’t get it.

My MIL was her usual bitchy self and mostly I would give a long fuckyoubitchthisisnotyourhousesofuckoff sigh with whatever bitchy thing she said.

I found the best way to deal with them was by directing my attention somewhere else.

So, every time my father-in-law would try to give me one of his long ass lectures about who the hell cares what, I would either pretend I wasn’t hearing him and then walk off or say “oh, that’s nice” and tell my husband something so it would zip up the guy.

What I just don’t fucking get with the in-laws is that they’ve already invited themselves for their next visit.

Ummm, NO!

They want to be here for weeks with the baby bird.

That’s something I was talking to my therapist about, a wonderful woman, and she has me learning about “mindfulness“.

She told me there’s absolutely no reason I should feel guilty about letting the in-laws know that they don’t need to be here for weeks and that I need to think about what’s best for me… without feeling like such a bitch.

Yes!

This is what I’ve needed to hear for years. I always think I’m depriving my husband of time with his parents and then I feel a lot of guilt but like Dr. Mindful says, I need to put our best interests first and not be run by the in-laws.

Every time the in-laws visit, it puts me under incredible stress, ha… like you couldn’t tell… and I really don’t want them here right after the baby bird is born. I really want to have the 4 of us to get in the groove first and bond, not have the in-laws here from the get go. They will be so much more of a hinderance to us than a help anyway.

Sure, I can deal with them being here (okay, not really) for a few days (nope), but fuck me backwards, not for weeks. I’m still baffled by how freaking oblivious my in-laws are when it comes to… everything! Personal space, boundaries, being assholes, you get my point.

So, thanks to Dr. Mindful, I’m starting to figure out how to say no, especially to the visits with the lecture man and the bitchy mcbitchster.

*Bathwater

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Metal

I’m not sure if I wrote about this before but my stomach is full of metal.

Nuts and bolts, screws, and a metal screen. It’s what’s holding the inside of my stomach together after the doctors shredded my stomach. It’s full of this crazy shit because of my botched c-section with the hummingbird back in 2009.

I really want to have a vaginal birth but I’m worried I’ll have to have another c-section.

That is my biggest fear and one of the things that has me so worried. With all that hardware in my stomach, I’m afraid of having a cesarean because of it. Terrified actually. Terrified that because of this, I may have even more complications if they have to open me up and mess around with my pieced back together stomach.

Who knows. Maybe the stars will align at the right time and I’ll get to have a vaginal birth after all. I just really don’t want to be sliced open.

Especially when the doctor that pieced me back together said while yes, it’s safe to have another baby, a c-section could really complicate matters because most of the metal is where they would cut for the c-section and I would also need to have a surgeon on hand “just in case”.

I have this vision of having to get a cesarean done and while they pull this baby bird out of me, all these bolts and screws will fall out of my stomach and jingle around on the floor.

Can you imagine…  it would sound like a piggy bank being dropped in the room. *ding… ding.. ding*

My ob/gyn set me up for a VBAC consultation at another hospital when I’m 20 weeks, along with my “big” ultrasound. I guess they have different guidelines at the hospital close to our house so I wouldn’t qualify for a VBAC here.

My nerves are starting to go away as far as being constantly worried about the baby bird. A lot of it has to do with the exceptional medical care and compassion I’ve received from all the doctors in Maine.

I knew how fucked up and traumatized I was with the horrible care I received with my first pregnancy at Bethesda Naval and Walter Reed but now that I finally know what prenatal care is supposed to be like, it’s such a huge relief.

I also plan on having a doula and I’m in the early stages of researching the process. I think it will be tremendously helpful to have a doula there for the birth. Even if I do end up having another c-section.

But because of all the metal in my stomach, here’s hoping I can push that baby out the way it came in.

Did you have a doula for childbirth? Pros? Any cons? Advice?

*The Raconteurs

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Nerves

Monday is the big day. It’s the first ultrasound for the baby bird. I am fucking terrified. I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs? I admit I’ve been a nervous wreck since I found out I was pregnant last month. I can’t bear the thought of finding out something is wrong… another miscarriage.

When I went to see my ob/gyn a few weeks ago, after asking some basic questions, she stopped and then asked what could she do to help me calm my nerves and feel more relaxed. She also gave me a hug.

I was fucking floored and wanted to cry after that. In a good way.

I NEVER experienced that kind of compassion when I was pregnant with the hummingbird and had to go to the military hospital in Bethesda and dealt with all of those asshole military doctors.

It finally feels like I’m healing from Postpartum PTSD after all this time. This pregnancy experience has been unbelievably better already and I feel like I actually have some say in these things, unlike last time when I just felt like I was ordered around with very little explanation.

Dr. Awesome even set me up to have my 20 week ultrasound along with a consultation for a VBAC with a clinic in Portland. Even if I don’t get the natural delivery I’ve been wanting since I was pregnant with the hummingbird, my doctor has already proven that I can trust her which is such a relief to me.

So, I don’t know why I’m still such a nervous wreck but I’m hoping that once I finally see the baby bird on the ultrasound, all of these nerves will finally settle down so I can enjoy the hell out of this pregnancy. Both the good and the bad that comes along with it… even the awful and constant morning sickness.

*Fake Plastic Trees

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A week? The in-laws will be here a whole f*cking week?!

My in-laws were supposed to come visit us in Maine this month but now that’s changed. Instead, they’ll be coming here for Thanksgiving… for a whole fucking week. OH DEAR GOD NOOOO!

I guess one thing I’ll have on my side is crazy pregnancy hormones. But still….

OH DEAR GOD NOOO!

What’s even worse is since I’m knocked up, there’s no xanax or vodka to get me through this visit.

OH DEAR GOD NOOO!

I can barely handle having them visit us for 2-3 days and that’s even when they stay at a hotel. This time they’ll be at our house the whole damn time.

Since the filter between my brain and mouth lessens when I’m pregnant, I say I should embrace the fuck out of that and if needed, say whatever the hell I want when they’re annoying the shit out of me.

My MIL has a stick permanently stuck in her ass and it only became worse after I had the little hummingbird. Who knows how much worse it will be now that I have another baby bird baking in the oven.

Believe it or not, I’ve shown as much respect to her as I could for years and years. I always say as little as possible when they’ve visited over the years. I’m not the sassy smart ass that I may come off ass in real like. Okay, I am, but I have to warm up to people before I show that side.

With the in-laws though, I learned early on from my husband that the less you say to them, the better.

But my MIL doesn’t let me off that easy. She knows how to make innocent chit chat and then when I start letting my guard down, her claws come out like Wolverine. Better yet, Freddy Kreuger.

Fuuuuuck.

Vodka, how you will be missed.

*Maps

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In The Mix

The baby bird has been doing really well and I have my first ultrasound in a week and a half. I think I’ll feel much more relief that everything’s okay once I see him/her, The hummingbird is going along with us since it’s a late appointment and I was talking about it with her. She was mostly concerned about how loud it was going to be.

I told her we’ll hear the heartbeat but it shouldn’t be too loud. Then, after talking with her for a while, I found that her main concern was hearing the baby cry in my tummy. Lol.

I’ve been really, REALLY sick because of my constant morning sickness which is why my blog has been sparse lately. I met my ob/gyn earlier this week and she put me at ease, which is a huge change from when I was pregnant with the little bird.

One thing my doctor told me was that I have hyperemesis gravidarum (excessive morning sickness). At first it sounded like a spell from Harry Potter. She was concerned that I’ve lost too much weight in the past few weeks and basically told me to eat whatever I want to bring my weight back up. A woman’s dream, right? Except pretty much everything makes me sick or doesn’t sound appetizing at all.

Of course that would be the case. Being told you can eat WHATEVER you want when you can’t even keep anything down. The only thing I can really keep down are strawberries, blueberries, and iced tea. So, I’m sure the weight will be back up in no time. Ha!

I have an anti-nausea I’m on but it’s been doing very little. Dr. Awesome will see how I’m doing at my ultrasound check-up and go from there. I’ve been trying my hardest to eat what I can because after reading about hyperemesis gravidarum, it seems if it gets too bad, they may put you on bed rest or maybe even hospitalize you. Here’s hoping this morning sickness stops being such an asshole.

My husband and I are having a date night in Boston on Friday. The hummingbird is staying the night over at a neighbor’s which will be the first time ever. She seems excited and I’m freaking out at the thought of not being able to give her good night kisses and checking in on her before I go to bed. I know she’ll be fine though. But I am a little worried that she might not be and will want to go home the same night.

I remember a few sleepovers when I was little and got really homesick, so I had my mom pick me up. Of course with us being in Boston, that will be hard to do but cheers to all going well.

I’m trying to write more and do it more frequently again but this crappy nausea is really kicking my ass big time. I just don’t remember it being so severe when I was pregnant with the little hummingbird. I really miss writing and I’m going to start forcing myself to write anyway, no matter how bad I feel since writing has always made me feel better in the past.

And no, I promise I won’t tell you how many times I had to stop writing this little post because I’ve gotten sick. le sigh.

I keep having to tell myself this means the baby bird is growing and getting stronger every day and that it will be so worth it at the end.

Lorde ~ Royals

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Positive

I was going to try to keep this on the down low but I’m so excited as well as very nervous and anxious. It’s difficult to keep this quiet for the next few months since I love to overshare… for better or worse.

If all goes well this time around, the hummingbird is going to be a big sister. Fingers and toes crossed! 

We were planning on waiting to try again early next year but my birth control pill had another fail. Whoops! I was taking it every day at the same time every night. Didn’t miss once… that I know of.

For the people I know in real life who read my blog, I would greatly appreciate it if you could keep this quiet for now. Mwah!

But I wanted to share this news with all of you who have been such wonderful support since the loss I had in July and beyond. I sincerely mean it and thank you all. You’ve all been so kind and absolute sweethearts.

Love ya! xoxo

My collection since I'm still in disbelief. lol

My collection since I’m still in disbelief. lol

*Love Song

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Close to home: The Navy Yard Shooting

I’ve never had anything like this hit so close to home before and I’m in such disbelief. My head was swirling around with the faces of the people my husband and I know who work at the Navy Yard. My husband’s former coworkers and our friends.

Not knowing if they’re safe or if we will later find out that they were a victim of such an unbelievable tradegy.

I think about one visit where we took our young daughter there. My husband introduced me to two older women who worked there and who absolutely adored our daughter. They had so many kind words for us, sharing in our excitement of being new parents. Telling me how much they love working with my husband.

This was like a family to us for 3 years. Sharing joys and some hard times. Sharing our lives; weddings, honeymoon photos, the births of our children, photos of our kids, broken relationships, promotions.

One woman in particular was the first person I thought of upon hearing the news of the shooting. “Olivia” was there from the start of my husband working at the Navy Yard. She worked across from my husband and was great support when we were new to Washington D.C.

I will never forget the congratulations we received from her and other coworkers/friends when our beautiful daughter was born. The “It’s A Girl” card many signed. Comforting emails of those from the workplace when our daughter was in the NICU, while my husband and I were going through such a difficult time.

The kindness from those, some I didn’t even know, made things a little easier on us, knowing we weren’t alone during a rough part of our lives.

The one woman, Olivia, is pregnant and due to be a new mom soon. She hasn’t left my thoughts, not knowing if she was safe. I can’t even imagine the horror that she and others experienced on Monday.

After waiting what seemed like forever, when in reality it was just a day, we found that she is safe and okay. As okay as someone can be in this kind of situation. Sadly, we found out we did know one of the victims in Monday’s shooting.

I know our hearts are heavy and full of pain from those we lost in such an unimaginable way. My thoughts go out to everyone who has been affected by such a senseless act.

*Breathe Me

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