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Mommyhood, the real deal.

By on April 24, 2012 in anxiety, daughter, new mommyhood, postpartum ptsd

Wendy from A Nervous Tic Motion wrote a very real and honest post that is a must read called Anger Management.

When the little hummingbird had been home a week, I thought I was going to lose my mind from lack of sleep. When she was down for her morning nap, I climbed into bed and started crying. I was trying to figure out what in the hell I was doing wrong as a mom to have her cry so much.

I was thinking of all the people who have a baby and a few days later say motherhood is the best thing ever and my life is complete now. I thought what the fuck because I was far from feeling that way. I knew I loved my daughter but at that moment, I just wanted to walk out the front door.

I felt so ashamed that I had been waiting years to have a baby and now that she was here, I wanted to have some peace and quiet and not be bothered by a crying baby who wouldn’t let me get more than 2 hours of sleep at a time.

It took some time to really feel like a mom and fall in love with my daughter.

Have you ever felt ashamed or guilty because of how you felt about your child? Did you keep it to yourself or did you share your feelings with someone? And don’t worry, this is a safe place to vent and not be criticized. xx

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If I couldn’t laugh right now I’d probably be sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth while zombies ate my brain.

By on March 8, 2012 in anxiety, doctor stuff, mommyhood, the little hummingbird

**Update: It looks like the hummingbird will hopefully be able to leave on Saturday. They were thinking today but we want to make sure we don’t have to come back to the hospital a third time.

The little hummingbird is still in the hospital and we’re finally getting over the nasty stomach virus but now we have colds. Ugh! The good news is her blood sugar hasn’t been dropping so low.

I want to thank Joanne, Michelle, Michele J., Corinne, Monica, Angie, Paula, LeeAnne, Sara, Emily, my girl Tricia, Melissa, The Last Girl Standing, Sarah M., and Izzy for the support and kind words. It means so much. And of course I want to thank my lovely mom for listening and putting up with my panic and crying.

Here are some things that have been boosting my mood since I really need it right now.

Pomplamoose – Another Day

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Hell Week

By on March 6, 2012 in anxiety, daughter, doctor stuff, mommyhood, ouch, the little hummingbird

Last week a vicious stomach virus hit all of us and on Friday my husband took the hummingbird to her doctor. I had to stay home since I could barely get out of bed.

The next thing I know my husband called and said he had to take her to the ER. The hummingbird’s blood sugar was really low. When she was born she had the same problem but it resolved in six weeks. My daughter’s been fine since then and never had any problems with blood sugar until now.

She was admitted to the hospital and spent Friday night there and she was back home Saturday night. Then after her nap on Sunday she started throwing up again and we went straight to the emergency room. The little hummingbird’s glucose level was low again and they admitted her a second time.

I started feeling worse while we were there and had to get I.V. fluids while my little girl and hubby went up to the pediatric ward. By the time I was able to go up there it was close to 1 am and I had to go home the next afternoon because I was so sick.

I was having horrible guilt but some of the nurses told me I should go home and take care of my own health so then I can fully be there for my daughter.

Now her doctor thinks if her blood sugar doesn’t stabilize on its own, she’ll have to go up to a hospital 2 hours away that’s better equipped to find out what’s going on.

I’m going out of my mind because I’m not there for the hummingbird but I’m finally feeling a tad better. I plan to go to the hospital tomorrow and I don’t plan on leaving until she does.

In the meantime I’m a mess and just want my baby girl to get better so she can come home.

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My antidepressant has made my downtown lady depressed. *cue the more you know rainbow*

By on March 1, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, anxiety, depression, hubby, marriage, too much info

After being on an antidepressant for the last several months, my lady friend down south is not a happy camper. I know that’s one of the side effects but c’mon, you’d think that by now they would’ve come up with something to help liven up a woman’s Southern lady.

So, I can either be depressed and have my sex drive fall off a cliff or I can be on medication and have my sex drive be obsolete. Yay!

I’ve gone so long without sex that I think my virginity grew back. Too bad I didn’t regain my bladder control too.

I tried a lower dose of my medication but it didn’t go well. I’m still not at a place where I can do that yet.

My doctor really thinks the med I’m on is the best for me since it’s for depression and anxiety.

I was on a 30 Day Shred kick, hoping more exercise would help, but recently I’ve been working out for a few minutes and then giving up. I go and grab some chips or ice cream and I watch while Jillian Michaels and her exercise buddies sweat their asses off. Better them than me, right? bwahahaha

I got a $30 bottle of an herbal supplement at Whole Foods that’s supposed to help a woman’s libido but it hasn’t worked. It would probably help if I opened the bottle and actually took it though.  ;^)

Even though I talk to my therapist about everything else, it’s hard to bring up the loss of my sex drive. Instead I write about it and send it off into the interwebs because that’s how I roll.

So, here’s a question to you dear readers. If you’ve been on an antidepressant at one time or another and your sex drive became non-existant, did you just wait it out? Shots of Vodka? If you’d like to answer privately then please don’t hesitate to email me. When it comes to my hubby, I really want to tap that.

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**Make sure to check out the new website What The Flicka? that was founded by actress Felicity Huffman and where I’m a contributing writer. For weeks I’ve been dying to say something but I was afraid I’d jinx it.

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