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Because I thought “just how scary could this book be?” Now, I wish I could bleach my brain.

My dumb ass was looking for another Stephen King book to read recently. While I’ve seen so many of the movies, I’ve only read about six of his books so far.

I came across SK’s book, It, and thought perfect! A few people told me they couldn’t sleep for weeks while reading it and I thought, even better!

Hahahaha!

I’m such a dumbass!

It’s like every single one of my childhood fears is in that damn book. Which is why it’s such a great book. But just a few pages in, my mind was like “Beep, Beep! Red Alert!! Put this book down right now!!!”

No way, it’s too good.

Red Alert!! Red Alert!!

I kept on trying to put the book down but by this time, I was so paralyzed with fear and my heart was racing like crazy. So, I kept on reading.

DUMBASS ALERT!!

I think I’ve scarred myself forever with this freaking book. I didn’t get that far along in it, mostly because my husband woke up and asked me when I was going to sleep. There I was, lying in bed and practically on top of him at this point.

I was too afraid to move but jumped my ass out of bed, ran to the bathroom, then came zooming back into bed. I’m pretty sure my feet were like cartoon running feet.

I turned off the light (if you’ve read the book before, OMG, even that’s terrifying) and was lying in my bed, perfectly still. I was too afraid to even put my arm under my pillow.

I had planned on reading something funny to balance out the scary but didn’t want to chance waking up the hubby again. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to get out of bed to do it.

I was lying there for at least an hour, wide awake, when all of a sudden I heard the banging of a door and footsteps.

That made me jump up to the ceiling.

Then I realized it was the hummingbird coming to crawl into bed with us. She’s been doing that for a little while now. My heart finally went back into my chest and I calmed down a little. It still took me a few more hours to fall asleep.

Not just because of the book but also because my 4 year-old is like a little sleeping ninja. Her knee usually comes up and whacks me in the stomach or under my chin.

Since I love sleep way too much, I’m pretty sure the best idea is to put the book, It, on hold, probably forever.

I love scary shit but holy hell, this book, and what little I’ve read of it, scared the fucking shit out of me. If you’ve read it before and got all the way through, I’m amazed.

If you haven’t read it before, maybe it should be kept that way. I really didn’t believe just how scary something could be. Stephen King has definitely proven to me that he is the “master of horror” after all. I thought the other books I’ve read of his were creepy and would keep me up but this book, wow, it will absolutely terrify you.

If you’re like me, that may sound like a good thing, but if you ever want to sleep again, maybe not.

“What he saw destroyed his sanity in one clawing stroke.” I knew I was fucked after reading that sentence.

Lesson learned! Although, maybe the movie isn’t as scary……

Dumbass Alert!!

What has been the scariest book/movie that you’ve come across?

*Reel Big Fish – Beer

Comments { 6 }

A cow farting on a piece of paper would make for better writing.

By Elle on April 19, 2013 in blah blah blah, hold me, holy hell, this and that

Holy fucking hell!

Really, this week? REALLY??!

It’s been unreal and I’m sure we’re all so drained and done with it. I have been fucking glued to the television. Especially since last night.

I feel like a zombie.

I’ve lost count of how many times this week I’ve said to my husband “What the fuck is going on????… It’s like the end of the fucking world!”

My brain is mush and there’s absolutely no use in me attempting to write a normal post.

So, if you haven’t already, enjoy these news anchors dissing Ryan Lochte (hilarious) , a “cunt punting” sorority girl’s email, or why you should never bring a one night stand to your house.

There’s also my absolutely favorite celeb gossip site, dlisted, that always has me laughing. I can’t go more than a few days without reading it.

The guy who writes it, Michael K, is right up my alley. Vulgar, hilarious, and honest. The comments are just as funny.

One of these things is bound to take your mind off of the crazy shit of the week for at least a few minutes and that’s something we need right now.

And a big fucking hug.

And some xanax, which is the only reason I haven’t completely lost my mind this week.

For reals.

P.S. I fucking love you, Boston!!!

*Pearl Jam – Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town.

*Pearl Jam – Better Man.

*This is not a t.v. studio, JOSH! Turn these lights out. It’s a fucking rock concert!

Updated to add: Dancing queen at bus stop. This woman is awesome!

Updated again: Michael Shannon Reads The Insane Delta Gamma Sorority Letter.

Comments { 2 }

I suck at leaving comments on blogs.

By Elle on March 31, 2013 in blah blah blah

Once upon a time, back when I first started my blog, I kicked ass at leaving comments on other blogs and I would always reply to comments I would have on my site.

After awhile I got what I like to call comment constipation. Yeah, ewwww.

I want to comment, I love to comment, but no matter how hard I try, nothing comes out.

Sidenote: I can’t believe I compared my inability to comment to constipation.

Anyway, I do read several blogs but then when I look at the comment section, I freeze up and think agggghhh, wtf should I say without sounding so lame?

Sure, I say some of the dumbest shit on my own blog but that’s different. There’s also a lot of times when everyone who’s commented on someone’s post has said pretty much everything that I was going to say. Aggghhhh!

So, then I’m left with my 3 options; “LOL!” or “Hahaha” or “So sorry, that sucks.”

If there’s more that I feel I need to say in my comment, it’s like my brain liquifies and I just skip making a comment.

But I’m getting better. I’m back to reading and discovering more blogs and pushing myself to comment no matter how lame I may sound.

Btw, I can’t believe I wrote a post about my comment suckiness.

Oh yeah, speaking of discovering blogs, I’m going to try and make my Blog Love posts a weekly thing so if you want to be included, drop me an email at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com, DM me your blog link on Twitter @thisismommyhood, or leave the link in the comments.

Comments { 9 }

Drunk Posting: What I Really Think Of Sarah Palin…. Over Four Years Later.

By Elle on March 28, 2013 in blah blah blah, military, ranty, the really real me, too much info

September 2007
I don’t normally talk much about my beliefs in religion or politics but I’ve had 2 beers and a shot of vodka so I had the not so genius idea of DRUNK POSTING! I might fuck up facts because I’m drunk, people! Don’t take this too seriously, alright? Alright! I’m sure to be a blathering idiot and I’m fine with that. No amount of harsh comments can be as bad as this shit. If I can handle people saying I’m a shitty parent and calling my daughter “a fucking brat” and hating on me only because I have a child, I can deal with anything.

~~~~~~~~~~

Hey Sarah Palin,

What. The. Fuck. Lady? For a quick second, I was excited that a woman was running for vice-president. Out of all honesty, I was actually shocked that Barack Obama beat out Hillary Clinton, who I was really rooting for. I do love Obama though and damn, Michelle is rockin’ her bad self.

Then there was that really fucking stupid bullshit about what Mrs. Clinton was wearing and people actually discussed “her cankles”.

Ummm, OMFG, seriously people?!

I didn’t know much about Obama and it never occurred to me to read up on him because I was preggers and my brain cells were MIA.

I would say I’m definitely liberal but I’ve been going more towards the Green Party.

My husband and I were living in Washington, D.C. at the time and had been in a war protest that started at the White House and ended at Capitol Hill.

He’s in the Navy by the way, and I was very proud at the risk he took when it came to being involved in something that was important to me.

Anyway, before we marched, I heard Ralph Nader give a speech and the man kicked ass. I fell in love with the guy!

Fyi, I was torn between Obama and Nader but while standing in line for two hours, while 4 months pregnant, and needing to pee like crazy, once I got to the voting station, I went for Ralph Nader.

Back to Palin.

You make my brain hurt.

I saw the movie, Game Change, recently and wow, Julianne Moore did a better job than the real you.

I am so fucking thankful that McCain didn’t win because the thought of you being vice-president makes me think that the women of the United States would be back on the prairie, churning butter, and having very few rights.

Sarah Palin, you make me embarrassed to be a woman. So take your ‘you betcha” and stick it up your ass.

Comments { 5 }

My morning drives to Stanford.

By Elle on February 5, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, blah blah blah, holy hell

My heart goes out to those with long commutes every day. It sucks big, fat donkey dicks!

I spent 10 days, over the course of 3 weeks driving four hours a day while getting radiation treatment at Stanford.

The one upside to it is the building I had it done in had valet parking for free.

The first time I pulled up to the valet guys, they stood outside my door while I fumbled like crazy to get my purse, phone, jacket, water, and kindle. It seemed to take forever. And it never occured to me to put all of that stuff into my ginormous purse before I left the house.

By the end of the 10 days, I left the damn car like a ninja. I was rocking the valet parking and while waiting for my car every day, one thing surprised me. Where in the hell were the paparazzi?!

Yes, I’ve watched TMZ where I’ve seen them film celebrities as they wait by the valet stand. I wanted some damn paparazzi. Is that too much to ask for?

I may have gone to the hospital every day in my yoga pants, black Uggs (that *may* smell a little like cat pee), my husband’s jacket, barely brushed hair, and no make-up but that valet parking made me feel like a fucking rockstar! Just without all of the cocaine and hookers.

During my long commute, I had fun with exit signs and would change the names to give me a giggle. My favorite? Cochrane Road turned into Cock Ring Rd. Anything to stay awake for the 2 hour drive to the hospital.

I also burned a cd of my exercise playlist to keep my driving momentum going and for weeks I had to listen to Fergie and The Black Eyed Peas tell me that she’s so 3008 and I’m a fucking loser. I’m so 2000 late. Well, fuck you, Fergie! Boom Boom Pow!

The whole thing was harder than I was expecting. I had to go to the cancer center. Sitting with those patients while waiting my turn for a blast of radiation had me getting really emotional. My heart hurt for them.

It made me realize just how lucky I am. I was having radiation for a different reason but seeing the head wraps, hats, and scarves covering up their heads quickly reminded me what a fucking baby I was being and to quit my whining.

That’s not to say I didn’t have a great, big meltdown during my treatment.

My family got sick and that commute was getting to me. ALL of it was getting to me and I did the ugly cry for a few hours one night. I had to put everything on pause and it drove me nutty. When the cold hit me, I lost my shit.

It was just what I needed though because after that, I felt more revived and soon, I was finally done with my treatments.

I can’t say enough about how absolutely amazing everyone was at Stanford. I’m so used to military doctor care and after this experience, I never, ever want to be at the hands of a military doctor again.

Comments { 7 }

Take My Bread Awaaaay

By Elle on October 3, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, blah blah blah, writing to heal

I recently started a low carb, low-fat, sugar-free diet. I know… you’re so envious, right?

I was eating healthy and in moderation along with exercise but the pounds weren’t budging. So, I decided to take action and get this weight off once and for all by going on this other diet.

I feel like I need to get on track and the only way for me to do that was to go on this strict diet. You’ve probably heard of it before. Let me tell you, the first 3 days are hell on this thing. I was irritable, tired, and extra bitchy with a side of bitch sauce.

Then I noticed after those 3 days, my body started to respond differently. I wasn’t craving chocolate or something like potato chips. Hmmm, let me rephrase. Those things were still on my mind but there was no way I was going to blow it after being on this diet.

I was doing really well and then my in-laws came to visit at the end of August. Despite wanting to drown my sorrows in chocolate, I stuck to my diet while they were here. It was the day after they left that I completely blew this diet which lasted nearly a month of going back to my crappy eating habits of late night snacking.

As much as I’d love to have someone knock the food out of my hand when I’m indulging, I know that’s not going to happen and I need to be more responsible with my food choices.

I’m finally back on it again and was struggling for the first few days like the last time. But I finally feel like this is definitely something I can stick with and I’ve been very happy with the results I’ve been getting from eating this way. One thing I’ve found is that diet coke is addicting as hell. I used to not be able to stand the taste but now having one is a highlight of the day.

There are several things on the plan I’m following that are a big no-no and while I’m eating as closely to the plan as possible, I let myself satisfy my cravings for things that are off-limits.

Whether I cook a meal or a yummy dessert, I still let myself have a few bites. I love food so there’s no way I can deprive myself and I intertwine the diet I’m on with having a few tastes here and there with food I love. Sure, the results I would be seeing aren’t as obvious and it takes a little more time to lose a pound but I’m really happy with this arrangement.

The diet I’m following is Medifast (they’re not paying me a cent) and I know there are much healthier ways to lose the weight but this is what’s working for me.

It’s nowhere near easy on this plan but damnit, I’m losing this weight. Right? Right!

I’m also alternating between an hour on the elliptical and the 30 Day Shred. I have other workout DVD’s but those exercises are what I’ve been sticking with the most.

I was going to have a day of the week where I give myself a break and eat what I want but I’m going to wait a little longer before I introduce that. I’ve been satisfied with most of the things I’ve tried on the Medifast diet… Sort of.

I don’t order the oatmeal or the soups they offer because I just can’t stomach them but I love their shakes and meal bars. For dinner I either have fish (which I couldn’t really stand until recently) or an egg white omelette with a tad of feta cheese and a big salad. I never realized how awesome egg white omelettes are.

They also have cereal that you can have with a little almond milk and brownies with are eh but still, they’re brownies so I’ll take it.

I’m only 5’2 so any weight I gain is very noticeable. I’ve already lost 10 pounds on this diet but gained some back when I had an orgy with food for the past few weeks.

I try to avoid the scale since that get’s me discouraged but check at least once a week. I didn’t mean to ramble on so much about this diet. Oops.

Anyway, I’ll be doing updates every now and then about my progress and if you want to know the honest truth about Medifast and what I REALLY think about it, drop me an email.

Now please go eat some bread for me. Maybe even some tortilla chips. Oh, how I miss thee.

Have you ever tried to lose weight? What worked for you?

P.S. I had 2 of those cookies below and they are fucking amazing cookies, y’all.

Comments { 6 }

Freaky Deaky Shopping

By Elle on September 11, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, blah blah blah, hubby, i know i'm strange, i miss my brain, life is funny, too much info

The other day I went by myself to my favorite vacation destination, Target. I had to get a few things for some craft projects and while I was there, I decided to grab a bottle of vodka. It’s hard to survive a 3 year-old without it.

First, I found a big Tupperware container for one of my crafts. Then I made my way towards the baby clothes section for a looksy. Baby fever has been taking over my uterus lately but if it does happen, it will be awhile. I just jinxed myself, didn’t I? Shit!.

I went to the grocery section to get some flour and then grabbed a bottle of vodka.

I was amazed because I think this was the first time I didn’t grab anything extra. I didn’t go near the clearance rack, didn’t buy season 6 of Dexter even though that was a tough one to resist, and I spent way less money than I thought I would.

That never happens to me at Target. What the hell is going on with me?!

I was standing in the check out aisle putting things on the counter and started to realize just how freaky deaky I looked with the things in my shopping cart.

I had a bag of flour, 4 bottles of glue, a Tupperware container so big I can sit in it…probably, baby oil, and a bottle of vodka. Hmmmm.

As I was standing there looking at my purchases, I started to blush, thinking about what the cashier may be thinking I’m going to do with all of this stuff.

There were two people behind me who got a good look at what I was buying and I was ready for the floor to swallow me up. I was hoping the cashier would speed it up and at least get the baby oil and the bag of flour in the shopping bag but they sat there on display for a few minutes.

As I was standing there, I thought Blog Post! and started giggling…out loud. That doesn’t look crazy at all, right?

I finally got home and told my husband about my shopping trip. He didn’t find it embarrassing or amusing but that must be because his mind isn’t always in the gutter like mine is.

Do you have any memorable (embarrassing, irritating, funny) shopping trips?