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Our Former Landlord Is Psycho

Warning… ranty words ahead.

Now that we finally bought a house after years of moving all over for the Navy, I thought we would finally be done with dealing with the worst landlord we’ve ever had at our last house.

But nope. This woman is a c u n t mobile. And, she’s a lawyer which is why she can find the loopholes to fuck us over. I know there’s much worse landlord stories than what we’ve gone through. My cousin, her husband and kids are dealing with a woman who puts locks on their shed and throws their little girl’s stuff all over the yard that they had stored away.

The rental market here sucks ass and last year, we only found one somewhat suitable property. It was overpriced and dumpy but it was between that or moving out an hour from where we were living. The house was so overpriced in rent by about 600 dollars but we were really screwed with the lack of options. We also decided not to buy back then because we were still planning on moving back to California or Seattle.

So, we rented from Ms. C u n t Mobile because we didn’t have any other options. From the second day we lived there and on, it was such a pain in the ass. Not only was the value of the house much lower while the landlord jacked up the price, there were also red flags with signing the lease.

She added in that if the stackable washer and dryer were to break, she wouldn’t buy a new one for the house while we were still there.

What I didn’t know was that the washer/dryer was a piece of shit that had the most disgusting smell. Something I wasn’t able to find out until we moved in. Blah, blah, blah, I ended up cleaning out black sludge from the rim of the washer because it hadn’t been taken care of. Not long after, guess what? Why, of course. The washer broke. Luckily we had our own but it wasn’t stackable and there was only enough space for a stackable one so the hubby had to build some contraption were it could fit in the small bathroom.

Ms. C u n t Mobile didn’t give a shit and didn’t even offer to haul it away. We had to have some friends move it down to the basement where it stunk everything up down there.

The landlord would also refuse to do any pest control. We had spiders all over and as much as my husband sprayed. It didn’t make a dent in them. One night while making my daughter’s lunch, I felt something drop on my arm from the ceiling and it was a fucking spider.

Oh my fucking god. After that, every time I made her lunch, I would be looking up at the ceiling every few seconds.

Another issue was the carpet. Not only was it old and falling apart, it was filthy. She kept insisting it was cleaned prior to us moving in but if that was the case, I wouldn’t have the bottom of my feet turn brown from the dirt on the carpet by the end of the day.

There’s lots more that’s petty bullshit but what we’re currently dealing with is our deposit checks. One is for our security deposit and the other is because we paid up until July 15th to give us more time to find a home but were completely moved out on the 5th.

Since we’re no strangers to moving so much, we calculate that since we moved out on the 5th, she would have until August 5th to pay us. But she insisted that since we wanted to extend our stay until the 15th, even though we didn’t stay that long and never had a written agreement, that she had until August 15th to pay us what amount to $2,500. We said fine like we have several times prior because she’s a psycho and we didn’t want to piss her off which would make bigger issues with her.

The hubby and I joked that just to be a bitch, she probably would even send the check until it was postmarked on the 15th, even though I felt it was due 10 days earlier.

Ms. C u n t y Mc Cuntster didn’t send the check until the 17th and it arrived to us on the 18th. That seemed like such a bitch move especially since she knew we were waiting for that chunk of cash.

The next day, the hubby and I got to Target for some things when out of nowhere he says he has to go to the car to make a phone call. I just assumed it was a work thing but he eventually comes back in while fuming. My husband doesn’t fume. He rarely gets anger and he’s as cool as a cucumber which can help tame my high anxiety.

He told me that hope had really pissed him off. My stomach sank and I couldn’t imagine what it could be. I had been telling him that I’ve been having a gut feeling she isn’t going to make this move out easy on us and will try and fuck us in some way.

And she sure did! She had emailed my husband and said while she was checking up on the utilities to see that they were all paid up (wtf? I’ve never had a landlord do that) and she found that morning that we have a sewer bill due for $71.40 and she will reissue our checks for the deposit and rent only after we show her proof that the bill is paid. She also said she was going to take the stop payment charges out of our money.

One… it we owe money on a bill, it was a complete oversight on our part and told her we accept that. We did find out that we owed it and paid for it promptly. We had just never received a bill. We also showed her proof of the payment but she’s been ignoring us and won’t answer her phone whenever we call.

Two… what the fuck, lady? She’s putting a stop payment on both checks when this bill has nothing to do with her. She wants proof that we pay it? And she wants confirmation from the sewer department after it’s paid by having someone from the department confirm it to her?

It’s pretty ironic that it’s the sewer department since she’s a piece of shit. Thankfully, my husband found that with Maine law, the landlord can’t keep any portion of the security deposit if it’s anytime after the date it was due, which was the 15th. We got it three days later. So, she fucked herself there.

Also, even though it’s in her lease about this very issue, the law says it overrides what the leaser says.

Either way, she finally fucked up but we haven’t heard from her since Friday evening. The law also states she has to give us the checks within 7 days or else she has to pay us double the amount she owes us. Go, Maine law! It seems so easy peasy. Just write a new check and send it out ASAP, or reverse the stop payment on the security deposit check.

But, I have a feeling with her being a lawyer, she’s going to fuck with us some more first since she’s been using so many loopholes for everything that she’s been fucking us over with this past year.

All I know is I actually had a celebration with tequila once we finally received those checks because it meant we never have to deal with the psycho again. But now, we’re still tied to her by this money.

What a bitch.

Any landlord from hell stories?

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More Cowbell

Flash-Gordon

My husband needs to wear a cowbell. He’s the type of person who just sneaks up on to you out of thin air. He appears out of nowhere. Most of the time I want to tie a cowbell around his neck so I can keep track of him.

Just today, I was in the bedroom and heard the backyard door shut. It seems like not even a minute later, I start walking out of the bedroom when I see something zoom out of the corner of my eye. I’ve been a bit jumpy since I’m reading this book, and when I saw a blurred figure getting closer to me, I screamed my ass off.

He stood there looking at me like I was a crazy person and I told him he’s going to give me a fucking heart attack if he keeps this going. He’s also excellent at disappearing out of nowhere. On our second to last move, he was standing right next to me as he was talking with one of the movers.

And then, BAM, the mover asked a question, I turn to my husband, and he’s not fucking there. It’s like he has the speed of Superman. The hummingbird and I spend part of each night calling for him when she’s getting ready for bed. She’ll be calling DAD! DAD! DAAAAAAD?! while internally I’ll be thinking “What the fuckity fuck???? Where in the fuck did he fucking go???!”

My husband reminds me of this character in a movie called Dear God with Grep Kinnear. It’s a pretty cheesy but cute movie. The quick version is he’s a con artist, has to get a proper job after being arrested, works at the post office, and starts answering letters from people who write to god. It’s not religious-y though. Let’s say ‘religious-y is an actual word.

Anyway, totally getting off track. Greg Kinnear’s boss, played by the always awesome Hector Elizondo, pops up from time to time and whenever Greg’s character turns to ask him a question, Hector is gone in a flash.

Hector’s role completely encompasses my husband. He’s Flash Gordon. It can be rather annoying but we joke about it even though it irritates me to no end. I’m actually getting him a cowbell for Christmas as a joke.

I already know I’ll quickly regret that decision because not only will my husband walk around with it to annoy me, the hummingbird will get a hold of it and drive me insane but we’re getting her a drum set for Christmas so I figured it will be a good combo.

I’m a glutton for punishment….

Willingly getting a drum set for my 7 year-old. But the truth is, I want to learn to play too.

Then I can say, “Hubby, take it away. More cowbell!”

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Orange Gatorade Is Considered A Fruit

orange-gatorade-is-a-fruit

I’ve been feeling lazy uninspired in the kitchen lately, plus we’ve been going at full speed ahead with the hummingbird’s extracurricular activities. She recently auditioned for a children’s play and rehearsals are three nights a week. Plus, there’s gymnastics and to make things even more oh my god I’m going to pull my hair out crazy, she has her bi-weekly girl scout meetings.

Dinner has been pretty craptacular lately since I don’t have much time to cook and I’m tired from being a taxi driver all week. I still try to give the bird plenty of fruits and veggies but then there’s the whole thing of not being able to have time to go to the store and finding in the fruit and veggie bins that the cucumbers I was going to give my kid has liquified in the bag or the blueberries have turned to mush.

As we were eating dinner one night at the end of the week, I was wiped out and just plain being lazy with dinner. I made chicken strips and french fries and thought about microwaving a veggie. Yes, just thought about it but said fuck it because we’d have to wait five more minutes for dinner and I was just over the day. I spaced out, the oven timer beeped, and I served up dinner.

That’s when I realized I didn’t make any veggies and thought about at least getting up and grabbing a handful of grapes for her but my ass wasn’t moving out of the chair. Because lazy. And exhausted. And holy fuck, I don’t know how long I’m going to make it through these rehearsals three nights a week for the next two months.

The bird didn’t care either way or notice but I got mom guilt because OH MY STARS, I’M NOT GIVING MY CHILD A BALANCED MEAL. I felt like all the sanctimonious mommies knew there was a mom out there who was taking the easy way out and they were going to come after me with pitchforks and torches. I don’t know why I get the guilt, especially when I let her have junk food that I said I’d never let her have before I became a mom.

As I was staring at her plate, I was giving myself the mom guilt trip and was looking over her plate. That’s when I thought to myself “We’ll she is having ketchup so, check, there’s the veggie. But the fruit, omg, the fruit?!! I can’t take this mom guilt so she needs a fruit of some kind!!!

While I was mom guilting myself to death over something so lame that I don’t normally trip out about, I eyed her glass. She was drinking gatorade, which was left over from earlier that day. And it was orange flavored.

So, that’s when I told my mom guilt trip to chill the fuck out, deduced that orange gatorade qualifies as a fruit, and finished my dinner in peace and mom guilt free.

*A Legend

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Yes, I Will Pick Your Nose And Other Gross Stuff Parents Do

I have a very weak stomach. Very weak. My 6 year-old was recently telling me about a girl who threw up in her class that day and she got into details. I was starting to gag and dry heave while begging her to stop. But then I started thinking of all the gross crap I’ve done as a parent that I’ve done so often, I don’t even flinch anymore.

5. I never would have thought I’d do this before I became a mom but picking my kid’s nose doesn’t phase me. In the last few years, she’s capable of blowing her nose but I remember times she would have a snotty nose and I would just dig right in without a tissue.

4. Getting baby shit on your face is something I thought was only in sitcoms but it does happen. The first time, I gagged and wiped it off immediately. The other times because apparently I really suck at changing diapers, I didn’t give a shit about shit.

3. There’s nothing more glorious than holding your baby and having them puke down your back. It’s not until later that day you realize where that nasty smell is coming from.

2. Diaper blowout that go up the back. How does this happens? I’m amazed that something so small can shoot shit from their but all the way up to their back.

1. I can’t even clean up the hairballs from my two cats but don’t give it a second thought when catching my child’s vomit in my hands.

What’s the grossest thing you’ve had to do as a parent?

*Unwritten

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I’m Not Really Sure What I’m Trying To Say Or If I Even Have A Point So, I Guess It’s Like Anything Else I Write On Here

Obviously, I haven’t been as dedicated to my blog in the last year as I was for the first 4 years. And I’ve been trying to figure out why because I really miss it. I’m still writing but not on here very often. But the other week it hit me. It’s self-doubt, among some other things.

Yes, I may sound like a whiny bitch but when I came across some things last summer about people doubting I was ever pregnant with my son that I lost last year or if I’m even a mom at all what the fuckity fuck?!, that just put a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to writing on my blog and over sharing. I just felt like “fuck this”. I know I’m way too sensitive but it’s hard to accept that there are people like that out there. If I read something I don’t like on a blog, I move on and don’t rip that person to shreds. Especially since there are a billion other blogs to read.

No, not everyone has to love me or what I write but damn, I openly share these things about myself because not only do I feel better when I’m so open… it’s kind of like therapy, I know what it feels like to think you’re the only person out there who’s going through depression, anxiety, the what the fucks of parenting and motherhood, and figuring out what the hell is up with this husband guy I live with and his never ending snoring and grinding of his teeth and lack of talking or talking too much when I have that special one night a year to enjoy The Oscars and the butthead talks all the way through the ceremony and I want to punch him in the balls. Really, hubby? Really? You rarely talk as it is but talk nonstop the one time of year when I’d prefer your usual silence??

So, yeah. I used to think my blog was a safe haven in a way but since last year, I worry about anything I may write and what may possibly be picked apart elsewhere.

But I know I should say fuck it. This type of thing comes along with the territory although knowing there’s a site out there specifically to rip apart women bloggers is unsettling.

The grief I’ve been experiencing more and more from the loss of Ben has also had such an effect on my desire to write. His first birthday would have been June 4th and the closer that date comes, the harder it is to get my ass out of bed and somehow function as best as I can.

We also recently found out that while we have one more year in Maine, the owners are coming back this summer and we have just a few months to find a house, pack, and move by July. And since my husband will be retiring from the Navy next summer, we then have to move again to what we hope will be our permanent home somewhere on the west coast.

I’ve logged into my blog many times to write about each of these things but since knowing that whatever I write may be put under a microscope by others and judged, it sucks. And to be blunt, it’s very hurtful.

But then I think there may still be those who actually read what I write because they like it. At least I hope they do. And that’s exactly who I should put my focus on.

It’s so true how you can have people say 10 positive things about you but it’s the one negative thing that will be what sticks out in your mind.

I need to stop thinking about those who will always have negative things to say or may hate read my blog.

I need to go back to writing the way I used to. Writing without having all of this self-doubt about how others will perceive it.

Fun little fact… I took an Ambien an hour ago so if this doesn’t make a smidgen of sense, there you go!

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An In-Law Visit: Your Ass Will Need A Nap After This

Hola! I’ve been taking a break from my blog for a bit but I’m baaaack. So, my in-laws recently came to visit for 5 days. 5 fucking days of hell. I’m so very jealous of people who have such nice in-laws and get along so well with them.

Can we please trade? No? I don’t blame you.

After a lot of time goes by from their visit, I think “Well, maybe they aren’t so bad after all.” But when they come back to visit, I think yes, yes they sure as hell are!

My mother-in-law, as usual, gave me plenty of her quips and witchy ways and I still don’t get what’s up her ass to be like that towards me.

Example: At breakfast one morning, we had pancakes. I asked the little hummingbird if she’d like syrup on them since she usually does. Simple, right?

But as usual, when I direct a question to my 6 year-old or husband, my MIL always, always, always has to interject.

Me: Little bird, would you like some syrup?

Little bird: That’s okay, I don’t need any.

Me: Are you sure?

Little bird: Yeah.

Mother-In-Law to Me: Aren’t you listening? She can make her own decisions and said she doesn’t want any! Why don’t you just leave her alone?!

Yeah, she got many digs like that in, just like she always does.

My FIL spent most of the time, like every time they visit, lecturing and rambling on. Completely oblivious to the fact that everyone becomes fidgety and bored. This man is like natural ambien.

I actually recorded some of what he was talking about, pretending like I was taking pictures when we were out to lunch one day. It was for the purpose of emailing it to my mom and sister since they are entertained by him but at the same time, can’t believe the shit he talks about.

It’s very difficult to not only follow whatever he’s saying but also impossible to chime in and try to steer his lectures conversation in another direction.

This is just a transcript from the 1 minute 32 second (it went on for 45 minutes) recording I did. And let me tell you, doing this transcript was as exciting as watching grass grow.

I started recording while he was in the middle of talking about whatever the hell he was talking about. I was so tuned out but mostly heard Blah, blah, blah, DNA. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, DNA, blah. It’s like listening to adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons.

Father-In-Law: The authors had incurred their names and some sayings into a DNA. Either 4 letters and you could just use those letters to, um, to represent any letters if you put 2 or 3 together so you can make a code.

And then you can in code your name into it. What he did, uh, he’s done some pretty neat things with DNA and printings so he… his book that he just recently published, and he printed the whole thing and coded into one DNA strand and then he replicated it.

He put 70 billion copies on his book into a single drop of DNA onto this piece of paper that was smaller than a period. 70 billion copies.

The idea is that through DNA, it’s a more efficient way of storing things than the most advanced computers right now.

Here’s how the hummingbird felt about the 45 minute lunch while he was talking.

fil-talking

Me too, hummingbird. Me too.

Have you had to endure any visits from your in-laws recently? 

Updated: In case you’d like to stroll down memory lane, here are a few more of my in-law posts. A Lack Of Boundaries With A Side Of Ranch Dressing, How My MIL Ruined My Wedding And Made Me Want To Set Myself On Fire Just So I Could Get Away From Her Crazy, and When You Wish Upon A Star… And It’s Stuck… Up Where?!

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Back To School

Books1

Well, hello there! I’ve been so busy with school and time with the hummingbird but I’ve really, really missed blogging. For awhile now, I’ve been looking into different education programs that would give me a chance to work outside the home since the hummingbird is finally in Kindergarten.

As much as I write here, other sites, books I’m working on, and my very first screenplay (yay, I’m so excited), I need something that will help supplement my income AND get me out of the house, even if it’s part-time. I really want to go back into the work force and make my own money.

That way, I can tell my husband, especially since it will be coming from my pay that “Yes, we do need that 6 piece martini glass set!” even though he never uses them. Or “I know I already have 7 pairs of boots but I HAD to get another pair in dark brown!” See, I won’t feel as guilty and it’s better than always using my standby excuse… “What, this jacket? Of course it’s not new. It’s been in the back of my closet for years. Well, okay since a few hours before you came home from work.

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I really wanted to go back to college and thought I would just start with a class or two at a local community college in the area but the closest one is 45 minutes away from us. Nope, not gonna do that. Mostly because it will be snowing here like crazy soon and I really don’t want to make such a long commute several times a week.

Another thing I thought of was how much I miss working in skin care, make up artistry, and being an Esthetician. I haven’t worked as one in years but have kept my license up to date. But I felt I really needed some updated training. Only, the closest school for that is about an hour away. Yikes.

Recently though, a friend mentioned how a good number of spas in this area like to do their own training so I’m going through the *frustating pulling my hair out process* of getting my school records together, as well as state board records, grades, testing, things signed in blood, etc. so I can apply for a state license here.

I know, this is boring shit. Sorry.

So, in the mean time I decided that since I’m so impatient and I’m really hoping to get out and work after the beginning of the new year (but it will probably be a little later), I decided on a fast track program. I rather not say exactly what it is but it’s in the medical field. When I was first looking into it, I was told to expect at least 20+ hours of homework a week throughout the program and I thought okay, sure.

Holy shit! Much easier said than done. I missed several classes in the beginning because the hummingbird got sick, then I got sick and had that sinus infection that’s still lingering so I still have several more classes and homework to catch up on. But it’s becoming a little less overwhelming than it was.

The nice thing about this program is if you do happen to miss a class, you can watch the recorded online lectures later.

I admit that what I’ll be doing isn’t something I actually plan on doing forever. And I am kind of bummed I couldn’t make going to college or esthetics work right now. But it will still be nice to have something that I can do no matter where we move to and not have to worry as much with state boards and such.

It would be nice though if I can get my state esthetician license here sooner rather than later. Who knows? If I do, I can mix my medical experience and skin care for my patients. While they’re waiting for the doctor, I could give them a relaxing facial massage. Hehe!

So, that’s why my blog has been abandoned for a bit and it sucks.

The bad news is the group blog I was hoping would work will have to wait since I’m already stretching myself too thin as it is.

I feel if I don’t get back to writing soon, my head will fucking explode. And that’s another thing. I know I will always be writing for years and years to come. That’s a given to me. With these different writing projects I’m working on, my fingers are crossed that something will hopefully come out of it.

I’ve also been thinking for a while about whether or not to put together a blog based book filled with essays I’ve written over the past 4 years, along with some new ones.

It’s been a crazy, hectic last few months since going back to school but I’m so glad things finally seem to be settling down a bit and balancing out.

Whether you work from home or outside the home, how do you manage and balance work and kids? Same if you’re currently back in school?

I’ve found with being a military wife, I’ve had an even tougher time finding work since we move every few years, people you meet in the Navy come and go so references can be a pain to have, and while the interviewer will usually let me know “I thank your husband for his service to our country.”, these people pretty much in the same breath say something a long the lines of “But, you have several moves and job inconsistencies on your resume.”

No fucking way? Really? Hmmm, let’s see. A military wife that has to move every few years, uproot the family, and start all over again in a completely new place? Well, duh! Okay, being told that so many times over the years has really gotten to me.

If you’re a military wife, how have you managed having a career while moving place to place? Has it been easy for you or harder?

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