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When my husband wants to drag me out into the wilderness to go camping, I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s planning to kill me and I start thinking about who I want to play us in the Lifetime movie, Camping With A Killer.

We stopped by Stephen King's house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

We stopped by Stephen King’s house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

I would hope someone like Jennie Garth would play me but the way things are going for him, it would probably be Shia LaBeouf in a blond wig. I think Kanye West would be a fantastic choice for the role of my husband because Kanye is so damn angry all the time and you need that kind of drama in a Lifetime movie. Could you imagine?

Hey, honey, let’s roast some marshmallows and make some s’mores.

I don’t wanna make any fucking s’mores, damn it!! I’m Kanye West!!! I’m THE MOST CREATIVE person in the world.

Ummm, okay, how about if we go kayaking?

Fuck that noise, I’m Kanye. I AM THE MOST IMPACTFUL ARTIST OF OUR GENERATION.

Well, then, can you read the hummingbird a bedtime story?

No, no I can’t! I AM SHAKSPEARE IN THE FLESH! I don’t need books to read. I’m KANYE! I’m YEEZUS, BABY!

Yes, yes we need Kanye for my Lifetime movie. Talk about ratings gold.

So, anyway, my husband had his birthday recently and wanted to go camping for a few days. He saved his ass by reserving a cabin for us instead of actually sleeping in a tent.

I still got eaten alive by bugs, we didn’t have any air conditioning, and we reeked of bug spray, sunscreen, and smoke from the fire so I still considered it camping.

The second day that we were there, we hung out by the lake for most of the day. Next to us were 2 couples who had about 8 or 9 kids between them and I was in awe over how laid back they were.

We dubbed one of them “the chill couple”.

With just my 5 year-old, I admit I can be a helicopter mom so seeing the chill couple was fascinating. Nothing their kids did seemed to phase them. Chill couple gave their kids money when they asked for it, and the kids came bag with a ginormous bucket of cotton candy and ring pops. Their kids asked if it was okay if they ate it now and chill couple was all suuure.

They were the kind of parents I wish I could be as far as not having anything phase me. I worry about everything when it comes to the hummingbird. I thought it would get better as she got older but I worry more now that she’s out in the real world a little more. And don’t even get me started about her beginning kindergarten in the fall and all the worry I have about that. Eeek!

Anyway, nothing ever bothered chill couple the whole afternoon, no matter if their kids whined, were fighting, or however many times they yelled out Watch! Watch this!! from the lake.

As we were driving back to our cabin that night, my husband let me in on a little secret of chill couple.

He told me they had been slamming back beers since early that morning.

AHA! The secret to chill parenting is lots and lots and lots of alcohol. Duh!

The hummindbird caught a fish.

The hummindbird caught a fish.

I actually had a really nice time once the shock of the wilderness and being eaten alive by horse flies and mosquitoes wore off. Sidenote: Moose have been in the news more frequently here as far as being involved in car accidents. They said the reason they’re more prevalent in the summer is because more cars are on the road AND the summer bugs of Maine drive moose crazy so they run out of the woods into the roads here.

So, yeah, 1,000 pound moose are driven so crazy by the damn bugs here which is why they run into the roads. Now I don’t feel so bad about bitching so much when it comes to the bug bites I get just from being outside a few minutes because even big ass moose can’t handle it.

On the way back home, it took a few hours to get back into civilization and wi-fi and we drove through a really small town that had signs on either side of the street. To the left. Vote Yes! A few feet after that: Vote no!

On the right: Vote YES! Vote no!

We had no idea what this tiny town was voting over but they had the yes and no signs on both sides of the street for at least a mile and it was like watching a tennis match.

Then the husband and I were talking about some of the things we did as kids to our parents. I forgot how that even came up but we agreed that one of the worst things we did was when we would go out shopping with our moms. Back then, they had circular clothes racks and the hubby and I were talking about what a kick we got out of hiding in the middle of the rack.

As I would hear the panic grow in my mom’s voice as she would be calling my name and looking for me, I would be in the clothes rack, giggling like crazy. The hubby also had fond memories of doing that to his mom.

We talked about some more bad behavior like that and that’s when I came to the conclusion that we were total assholes. If the hummingbird ever pulled that on me, unlike the chill couple, I would probably have a heart attack.

Once we finally got home, I actually missed our little cabin but after firing up my laptop and the television, I soon got over that. But, yes, we had fun. And I came out of it alive.

Sorry, Lifetime.

What are you doing this summer?

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Perfect Hair Woman

I’ve never liked my hair. It’s fine but thick and naturally curly, yet straight in some places. It’s a pain in the ass to do anything with. When I let it dry naturally, I look like the Bride of Frankenstein. When I use a blow dryer, it looks even worse and I feel like I have the most awful hair in the world.

My hair usually ends up frizzy and looks like cotton candy. I’ll either throw it in a ponytail or just give up and sob quietly while I eat a gallon of ice cream and watch the Lifetime Movie Network.

Since I was a little girl, I’ve had hair envy. I see women with long, thick, straight hair and I want that to be me. Look at Kate Beckinsale. Her hair is gorgeous.

Perfect hair woman.

Perfect hair woman.

Although, I’m sure she has a hair stylist at her beck and call who uses exotic treatments on her hair – like the oil derived from the skin of baby seals that can only be obtained once a year and costs thousands of dollars for a 1 ounce bottle.

The times when I’ve actually gotten compliments on my hair, I usually want to respond with “Thank you but just how much crack have you been smoking lately?”

As with everything else, the grass is always greener. If you have straight hair, you want to go curly. If you have curly hair, you want straight hair.

I have tried a countless amount of curling irons, straightening irons, hair extensions, shampoo and hair products, hoping one day I’ll get in that shower, wash my hair, dry it, and TA-DA… I’ll be “perfect hair woman”.

I’m always telling myself, maybe, just maybe my hair will magically become perfect and effortless.

Nope, it’s never going to happen.

Every morning, I stretch and bend my arms all over the place while I use a flat-iron. My arms get tired, I get hot, and the hair that I’ve already straightened will start to frizz. Fuuuck!

I discovered the Brazilian Blowout treatment a few years ago.

I have a great hairdresser who gives me a Brazilian Blowout every 3-4 months. It makes a HUGE difference and my hair’s more manageable but it can still be a pain.

Plus, I drop a few hundred dollars to do it. Eeek! Ssshh, don’t tell my husband how much it costs.

I know I’ll never be perfect hair woman but… damn it, it’s still not going to stop me from buying a 20 dollar bottle of anti-frizz serum from the salon.

Maybe, just maybe that will be what my hair needs.

And once I buy that magical hair serum or shampoo or deep conditioning treatment, I’m going to ride off into the sunset on my unicorn.

Comments { 9 }

Mom! MOM? Watch this! Mom!

My 5 year-old is currently in a “MOM, Watch this!” stage. I give her as much of my attention as I can but if I so much as blink while she’s showing me something, I’ll be in big trouble.

Mom? MOOOOM? Watch this! Watch this, mom!

I’m watching!

*she stands on one foot*

I’ll be thinking “she screamed for me to come out of the bathroom after my shower and I’m dripping wet and all she wanted to show me was her standing on one foot?”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have any interest. But she yells out with such urgency that I don’t know what to expect. There’s also times when I’m not even quite sure what she’s trying to show me. Um, did my kid just drag me off of the toilet to see that she can stand perfectly still?

Once she shows me whatever it is, I clap and say YAY, and then it continues.

Mom! Watch this!

*she does a cartwheel*

My attention is slightly taken away when one of our cats comes racing through the room like a maniac and then disappears. Oh shit, I’m in trouble.

Mom, you weren’t watching! MOM, WATCH!

Okay, sweetie, okay.

*does the cartwheel again*

I clap and say Yay, good job, sweetie!

~~~~~

Mom! Mom? MOM?! Where are yooooou!

Upstairs!

Come down quick!

What is it?

You have to come down here!

Okay, give me a sec.

*goes downstairs*

Mom, watch!

I’m watching.

*she smiles with an orange slice in her mouth*

He he he, that’s cute. I need to go back up and finish drying my hair.

Wait, mom, wait! Watch this!

*she hops up and down*

Yay!

~~~~~

It’ll be the buttcrack of dawn. Mom, wake up, watch this, mom!

*she jumps up on the bed and body slams me*

MOM! You weren’t watching!

Sweetie, I wasn’t watching because I’m still asleep.

Well, watch me this time.

*jumps on the bed and body slams me again*

Okay, that’s enough. Can you get off me so I can use the bathroom?

No, I don’t want you to go. Watch this first! Mom? Mom! MOM? Watch this!

*jumps on the bed and then onto the floor*

Yay, okay, I’m going to pee myself if I don’t go to the bathroom.

~~~~~

As much as the “MOM, watch this!” stage can sometimes get on my last nerve, I’m enjoying it while I can. Before long, she’s going to be moody, hormonal, and sulky, and won’t want me to be around.

Comments { 3 }

At the beginning of the year, I thought “Oh cool, I’ll start planning my posts weeks in advance”. Yeah, that went well.

I suck at organization. I’m much more comfortable in my messy chaos. But, near the beginning of the new year, (OMG, It’s April! How the fuck did that happen??) I decided to get back in the habit of writing more regularly for my blog.

I searched Pinterest and printed out these cutesy weekly planners for a schedule and filled out my blog post ideas weeks in advance.

Ummm, yeah. That worked out well.

Seeing my ideas written down in ink made me twitchy because I don’t like lists and suck at planning things out. My 14 year-old self came popping up. Meaning? I rebelled against that fucking schedule.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m spontaneous but lists and lots of planning just isn’t my thing.

OMG, THE PRESSURE!!

I’m more of a see where the day takes me kind of person than an organizer.

Just like to-do lists with my husband. I rather nag at him constantly than make a list for him that will be ignored. It’s so much more fun.

Even if I do make a list for, let’s say the store, no matter how many times I look at that damn list while shopping,  I usually forget the most needed items on the list.

Like toilet paper.

Which is what I should turn the pages of my blog post schedule into.

Comments { 3 }

Ouch!

Hi! I’m here!

I’m 20 weeks now and 24/7 morning sickness is still kicking my ass but apparently it felt lonely and asked pregnancy induced carpal tunnel to join in on the fun.

Motherfucking OUCH!

I had carpal tunnel with the hummingbird but it was towards the end of that pregnancy. This time, the pain seems much worse and that’s also why I haven’t been writing much on the blog.

But since it’s not going away any time soon, I’m going to suck it up. Okay, maybe not. I’ve been bitching about it to my husband for the past 5 weeks. Ha!

I reek of Bengay and I’m wearing a brace… I’m officially old!

*March Of The Pigs

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I’m dreaming of a douchey Christmas letter.

*Pieces taken from real Christmas letters we received, and translated by my demented mind.

Well, 2013 is winding down and what a year it has been. My wife has let herself go and is now a fatass. She is also technologically inept so I had to change her password on her fucking phone.

Our kids don’t give a fuck about us anymore so we don’t know what the hell they’re up to.

This year I had a detached retina and will go into great detail about it and bore you to tears in a separate letter. Our neighbor is dealing with cataracts, which will also be detailed in the same letter.

We were planning a skiing trip at the beginning of the year but I got a bad case of gas and the doctors recommended I keep all of my activities under 3,000 feet.

Our damn hippie neighbor broke into our house because she’s fucking crazy and was looking for her dog. I will spend the next several paragraphs relaying what exactly happened during this incident even though you won’t give a fuck and it will make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

This was a great year for the Tea Party and Sarah Palin. Boy, that woman sure has a brilliant mind.

In May, despite my extreme gas and my recovery from a detached retina, my fatass wife and I ran a marathon. We are awesome and better than you’ll ever be.

Then, in October, I made the annual 50 mile bike ride in San Jose. I have a matching yellow and black outfit and if I do say so, I look great in spandex.

Later that month, we went on a road trip, in an American car obviously, to see my niece’s soccer championship game. Despite it being held at the largest non-Christian YMCA, we had a pretty good time.

At the closing of the year, we finally got those ungrateful bastards, our kids, together to take our super cheesy, proud American, Tea Party Christmas card.

I have to say that I’ve very talented with photography and think this picture card is quite spectacular, despite the weight my fatass wife has gained over the past year.

Many blessings to you and yours,

The Douche Family

*The always incredible Glen Hansard.

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Snow bird.

We had our first Maine snow today. I’m sure it wasn’t much considering but we were all excited. Especially, the hummingbird, of course. It’s as cold as a Kardashian’s soul and it’s going to snow more. That would be awesome if my in-laws get snowed out of their visit.

Wishful thinking.

snowday1

 ~~~~~~~

snowday2

*Nataly Dawn

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