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50 Shades Of Shit: Well, I Got Through More Than A Few Pages This Time Around

fifty-shades-of-grey-trilogy1I was supposed to start reading this book a while back and snark the shit out of it. In my quest to find enough things to trash in this trashy “book”, I, um, well, read the whole thing.

Fuuuuck.

Then, I went on to read the second book.

Fuuuuuuck.

Now, I’m reading the last crappy book in this 50 Shades Of Shit trilogy.

Fuuuuuuuuuck.

I don’t know what happened. OMG, who am I anymore? I have some amazing, can’t wait to read books just waiting for me on my Kindle and I’ve been stuck on 50 Shades Of WTF.

The writing is cringeworthy but I somehow got sucked into it. Yes, I’m ashamed! It was such mindless entertainment that I really needed since going back to school has been so stressful.

Maybe I’m more of a kinky bitch than I’ve ever realized but I didn’t find too much of what was in the book to be that shocking. The shit that got me turned on was Christian letting Anastasia sleep in. What? You mean, Ana doesn’t have to deal with a little person saying Mom? MOM? MOOOOOM?! WAKE UP!

Then, Ana leisurely walks into the great room without walking every few feet picking up toys and kids clothes. There’s Grey’s maid, Mrs. Jones, who cooks her breakfast and even makes her lunch. Oh, really now?

This bitch, Anastasia Steele doesn’t have to hear Moooom! I’m sooooo hungry now. I’m huuuungry!

Nope. The bitch eats in peace and quiet. She doesn’t have to deal with telling her kids to EAT. RIGHT. NOW., have them take two bites and have the kids say BUT I’M SO FULL. I CAN’T EAT ANYMORE.

Oh yes, yes you can. You did not get me up at 6 am saying your ass is starving and you can’t take it anymore because you are so damn hungry. Oh, hell no! You are not taking two little bites of food and proclaiming that your stomach hurts so you can’t eat any more. Nope. Nope. Nope.

So, where was I?

Oh yeah, poor little Anastasia Steele. I’m not jealous of all the sex she got. I’m fucking jealous of the times she would wake up with Christian Grey already gone and would have to deal with a few “awkward silences” with the maid.

The peace and quiet, the awkward silences, and the intimate dinners she would have with Grey are the things that got me all hot and bothered.

The one thing that would truly make me laugh out loud was whenever butt plugs were mentioned… because I have the humor of a 12 year-old.

The second book in the series was eh. More sex, crazy ex sub with a gun, butt plugs that were never used, a boss that wanted Ana who Christian beat up, and now the ex boss is exacting revenge in the third book where Ana and Christian are newlyweds. AND they still call each other Mr. Grey… Mrs. Grey… seriously?

I thought Ana’s inner goddess and subconscious was lame and mentioned way too much. She’s always thinking about what her inner goddess/subconsious is doing and you want to punch the goddess in the face.

I’m not that far into the third book but there’s been arson at Grey’s HQ which I’m thinking is Ana’s former boss’ doing. But I’m sure it really doesn’t matter because the books pretty much follow this format…

These two fuck like rabbits, fight, pout, fuck, eat, fuck, fight, pout, fuck, eat, fight, fuck, cry, fuck, eat, pout, and fuck.

And there you have it!

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Book Review: Bittersweet

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This is my first review for Blogging For Books and I picked Bittersweet by Miranda Beverly-Whittmore.

Mabel Dagmar is a scholarship student at an East Coast college and her roomate Genevra “Ev” Winslow is her wealthy roommate who invites her to spend the summer in Vermont. There are several cottages on the Winslow estate and Mabel stays in the cottage, Bittersweet, that Ev has been given.

The summer starts idyllic with elegant parties, swimming, and lazy days of wandering on the grounds. Soon, Mabel starts to see cracks in what seems like a fairy-tale. An eccentric aunt in the family asks Mabel for help in uncovering secrets in the esteemed Winslow family, and directs her to papers and a journal to investigate.

During her time there, Mabel gets involved in an unexpected romance and can see herself settling into living the high life. But gradually with the discoveries she makes, she sees that while on the outside the Winslow family appears picture perfect, on the inside there are dark secrets and violence in the Winslow past.

The book can be slow at times but was enjoyable with beautiful prose and wonderful descriptions of the characters and the setting in Vermont. Bittersweet is a good mix of mystery and romance.

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Children’s Book Reviews: Elizabeth, Queen Of The Seas And My Pet Book

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Elizabeth, Queen Of The Seas – This is a very sweet story of a real-life elephant seal from Christchurch, New Zealand. Elizabeth has made her home in the Avon River but soon she goes onto the two-lane road near the river. Worried citizens decide to move her far out to sea but Elizabeth has other ideas and comes back.

Each time volunteers take her further out to sea, the elephant seal comes back to Christchurch where she loves to lie, stretch, and sleep on the two-lane road. The locals realize this lovely seal, Elizabeth, will always come back and becomes a celebrity of sorts. The town even puts up a sign, “Slow. Elephant Seal Crossing” near her favorite place to sleep.

In the back of the book is information about elephant seals, along with a photo of Elizabeth lying on the road in Christchurch. This book is for ages 4-8 and is a great book for animal lovers.

There was once a lovely elephant seal who lived in the city. Most elephant seals live in the ocean, in the saltwater.

They sleep on rocky coasts and lie along sandy beaches. But this seal was different.

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My Pet Book – In my pet book, a little boy would love to have a pet but has allergies. He decides that a book would make a perfect pet. He goes to a bookstore to find a pet book and a red hardcover book catches his eye. He loves taking his book out for walks on a leash and never has to worry about it shedding or even picking up poop.

Not only does his red pet book make a perfect pet, it also has wonderful tales inside that take the little boy to all kinds of places.

One day, after returning home from school, the little boy goes to greet his pet book and finds that his beloved pet is gone! He looks everywhere and the housekeeper realizes she made a big mistake. While cleaning up, she collected several things to donate to charity. The two race off to track down the pet book can’t find it anywhere.

They put their heads together to think of where a scared pet book would hide and he finds him in a little nook. Arriving home tired from the day, he takes his pet book up to his room and sleeps soundly with his beloved pet in his arms.

This book is for ages 4-7 and has a wonderful rhythm to it. I love reading this to the little hummingbird.

The boy’s mom gently asked him how a book could bring such joy.

“It’s cuz every book’s a friend!” said the yawning little boy.

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50 Shades Of Grey: I’m Reading This Craptacular Book So You Don’t Have To. You’re Welcome.

I know, I know. Many seem to LOVE this cringeworthy, hot mess of a so-called book. Me? I’ve tried reading it twice and was only able to barely make it through the first few pages. But the movie is coming out next year and stars Mr. Hottie McHotster, Jaimie Dornan.

And yes, I will absolutely, positively see this craptastic masterpiece of a movie when it comes out on Netflix. Because I have a 5 year-old and have pretty much forgotten what a movie theater looks like.

I first noticed this gorgeous man, Jaimie Dornan, in Marie Antoinette, playing Count Fersen. Whooo! Is it getting hot in here? And I remember some scenes where he was grinding up against the lucky, lucky Kirsten Dunst.

Yeah, it is hot in here.

Now, I’m not a book snob by any means. I mean hello, I look forward to my US Weekly coming in the mail every week and may even do a happy dance when I see it. But 50 Shades Of Grey is pretty fucking awful. And that’s putting it mildly.

So, a few days ago I gave myself a little talk. I said “You know what, me? This craptastic book must be read! It’s not like you need to read it for the movie or anything. You must read it for the laughs.”

Keep in mind. There are a few universal truths:

1. Laughter really is the best medicine.

2. You need those guilty pleasures because life can be a pain in the ass.

3. Jaimie Dornan is such a hottie.

Now, this is where you may or may not come in. I would love for us to read this “book” together. And no, I won’t judge you if you’ve already read it. Or maybe even liked it. Okay, I probably will judge you but that’s besides the point. I promise not to hold it against you.

We need to read this book together, have some laughs, and snark the shit out of it.

I will try my best to give weekly updates on it and you are more than welcome to do the same. Whether you put your take on it in the comment section of my blog, on my FB page, or if you have your own blog and aren’t worried about your readers and/or family members questioning your life choices and sanity.

Whatever the case may be, if I have your permission, I’ll include your views of this book in the updates or link the post you write on your blog.

So, who’s with me?

Don’t worry, if you’re all for it and want to participate but then decide not to, no big deal.

So, ladies… this week, we will be reading the first 4 chapters.

Remember, Jaimie Dornan is counting on us!

Oh my, excuse me while I stick my head in the freezer and cool off.

Hot damn, this man is fine!

Hot damn, this man is fine!

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Book Suggestions: Mystery

a658a13627997ce052f6f032f3a59891I love books. All books. I’m such a book freak. Earlier today, I took the little hummingbird to her soon to be elementary school for her 3rd and final summer reading program check in where she was able to pick out three new (used) books, including Where The Red Fern Grows.

I read that book when I was a kid in school and if there weren’t any witnesses, I would’ve jumped up and down with excitement and squealed with delight when I saw that book lying in the box.

When it comes to her age group for summer reading, my 5 year-old rocked that shit. I love reading to her and hope she grows to love books as much as I do.

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Return To Grace Karen Harper

A young Amish woman, Hannah Esh, decides to go worldy and returns home to a graveyard in Home Valley on Halloween night with her worldly goth friends. A shooting takes place, leaving one of her friends dead and Hannah injured. She returns home to her Amish family and helps piece together the reason behind the shootings with her former ex, Seth Lantz, and Detective Linc.

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Life Without Parole Clare O’ Donohue

Kate Conway, a television producer, gets an opportunity to do a documentary at a local prison. Another job opportunity is a reality show about a new restaurant opening. One of the owners of the restaurant is murdered and Vera, the mistress of Kate’s dead ex-husband, is the prime suspect.

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The Skeleton Box Bryan Gruley

The Skeleton Box is the third in the Starvation Lake mystery trilogy. Gus Carpenter, an editor, looks into the break-in at his mother’s where her best friend and his ex-girlfriend are killed. Gus begins to uncover disturbing events about his town as well as his own family.

Some Kind of Peace

Some Kind Of Peace Camilla Grebe andÅsa Träff

Siri Bergman is a psychologist who lives outside the city in an isolated cottage. A patient of hers is found dead in the lake near here home and she begins to sense that she’s being watched. She’s in a fight for her life to catch the murderer before they kill again.

What have you been reading? I just got done with Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King, and right now I’m half way done with Bittersweet by Miranda Beverly-Whittemore, among a handful or others.

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Book Giveaway: My children’s book… Dream Of All The Stars Above.

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So, I wrote a children’s book, my very first, and the awesome Carrie illustrated it with beautiful watercolor paintings. It’s a short and simple “bedtime book” for kids, newborn-4. I was wanting to make it a board book but found that to be near impossible for self-publishing.

I wrote this book a few years ago with Carrie and it’s finally published! If you ever need an illustrator, Carrie is the one. I’m slowly writing a blog based book including past posts and some new writing (if I can concentrate long enough to put it together) and I’m going to have Carrie do the cover for that as well.

I’m also writing an adult (no, not porn… although hmmm…) mystery called The Mill which I have been working on for at least 2 years but doubt has been plaguing me. Yes, I am my own worst enemy. Let me know if you’d like to read a little of the first chapter and maybe I’ll put it up in a post. 

Back to the book at hand… I’m doing a giveaway for 2 books of Dream Of All The Stars Above. It’s open for everyone to enter. All you need to do is let me know what your favorite books to read were when you were a kid/teen.

For me, I absolutely adored all of the Ramona books by Beverly Cleary, which I’m now reading to my daughter (how awesome is that), Judy Blume rocked it (Are You There God, It’s Me Margaret and Tiger Eyes were my favorites!), and when I was a little older, I would get my hands on anything to do with V.C. Andrews. Yes, I am loving the movies Lifetime is doing based on the Flowers In The Attic books!

The giveaway is open for submissions, one per person that will be selected by the random number generator, until Tuesday, July 22nd at 8 pm EST. Good Luck!

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*Find me on Twitter: @thisismommyhood, Instagram: ahummingbirdoncrack, and Facebook: This Is Mommyhood.

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Book Review: The Mother Of All Meltdowns

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The Mother Of All Meltdowns is a collection of stories written by 30 bloggers who write about their very relatable “mommy meltdowns” when dealing with their children. The candid experiences these moms share will make you want to put everything else on hold while you dive into this delectable read.

From Lego stress and getting that precious liquid gold through TSA to Christmas flu and a fantastic powdered sugar fight.

It had me feeling much better when it comes to some of my own meltdowns I’ve had with my 5 year-old. One of my fondest moments came when I was in the parking lot of a grocery store just a few weeks shy of Christmas. My husband had run into the store for some formula and I was waiting in the car with my then 7 month old daughter.

In just a few short minutes, my little girl had one of the worst diapers I’ve ever smelled. Even though we were about 5 minutes from our house, I couldn’t take it and decided to change her in the car. There were several parking spaces all around us and after making sure the coast was clear, I popped out of the car with my butt in the air while I tried to set the record for the world’s fastest diaper change.

The passenger side door kept on hitting me in the back on the legs while I was changing my daughter’s diaper and I was simultaneously trying to keep a look out for cars while making sure there wasn’t contact with the loaded diaper and the car interior and trying to keep my baby happy.

All of a sudden I heard a man yell “Get your ass out of the way!”

Huh, me??

Oh yes, he was talking to me. Out of all of the parking spaces around us, this older man wanted the one right next to our car. I was in mid wipe and tried to scootch the car door closed as much as I could without slamming it on my ass. “Move your ass, lady!” Oh no, he didn’t!!

Tis ‘the season to be jolly!

My blood began to boil but I tried to remain calm. I replied by saying I’m right in the middle of changing my child’s diaper and I’m going as fast as I could. “That’s not my f*cking problem.”  is what I got in return.

Fa la la la la.

Trust me, I had a very clear thought of wiping my daughter up and then taking her poopy diaper and slamming it on this man’s car windshield. Then, I pictured my husband walking out of the store and seeing police cars and me in handcuffs, being charged with defacing property.

I’ll pass.

The man couldn’t finish getting in the parking space because my ass was hanging out of the back seat so he started revving up the engine of his car.

Joy to the world!

I have quite a mouth and can make a trucker blush but somehow I didn’t go off on this jerk. With my face hot and as red as fire, I yelled out “JUST GIVE ME A DAMN SECOND!!” and surprised myself with the lack of f-bomb’s. Who am I?

I was pissed beyond belief. Despite the several other parking spaces around, this man finally got into the one next to us and yelled at me the entire way as he walked into the store.

I still had that poopy diaper in my hand and wanted to grab my daughter and run after him, screaming and cursing him out while I went SPLAT with the diaper on his windshield. By this time, my head was exploding with rage and my daughter was crying. My husband finally came out of the grocery store and he saw me red faced with both me and my daughter crying our eyes out.

I’m pretty sure what I told him about the older man in the car made absolutely no sense but he calmed us both down. The huge glass of wine I had after we got home was a big help as well.

No matter what stage of motherhood you’re in, The Mother Of All Meltdowns will reasonate with you.

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