Archive | crazazy RSS feed for this section

Banging my head against a spike would be more fun.

By on March 29, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, buttmunch, crazazy, hold me, holy hell, hubby, life is funny, marriage, mommyhood, my brain is melting, the little hummingbird, would you like some cheese with your whine?

This is a totall recall post which is something I repost because I’m being too much of a lazy ass  because I like that I can look back and see what I was doing then. 

I wrote this when we were making the move from D.C. to Northern California in July 2010.  I would never want to do that move again unless we flew. Driving was awful, especially since the hummingbird could only tolerate being in her carseat for 5 or 6 hours which made the move much longer.

I could swear I’ve already used this as a total recall post so if I did, pretend you’ve never read it before. ;^)

 

Banging my head against a spike would be more fun

July 22, 2010

The hubby will be known as buttmunch for this post.

Cue the Law and Order music.

DUH DUH

The buttmunch and I were packing and trying to get everything together since we were going to a hotel that night. I had the little girl’s things packed and went to get my things together. I asked my buttmunch if he could go downstairs and get some toys for the little girl.

DUH DUH

Around 8pm that night we were on the way to the hotel and the buttmunch went back to the house to pack some more. Soon after, I put the little girl to bed. I called the buttmunch a few times to remind him what to bring back to the hotel.

DUH DUH

The next morning my buttmunch went back to the house since the movers were coming, so it was just me and my daughter. After breakfast I went over to a box that the buttmunch brought and looked through it for toys.

DUH DUH

There weren’t any there so I looked through a few bags. Not there. I looked through her bag, my bag, the buttmunch’s bag. Nada. I was starting to panic but before I went into freak out mode, I looked through EVERYTHING again. Nope.

DUH DUH

It was raining outside and there wasn’t anything for her to play with inside. The little girl just had a few books I had packed in her bag and normally she loves to “read” her books. She must have smelled the fear on me because when I would give her a book, she would throw it on the ground and give me a bitch, please look.

Then she started to run around the room and whine. It was her special whine. The kind that makes me feel like my head is going to explode any minute.

DUH DUH

I then called the buttmunch. When he answered I politely and in a very calm tone, and not at all yelling *coughnotcough*, told him that we didn’t have any toys at the hotel room. He couldn’t bring the toys by (and I didn’t have the car) since he was waiting for the movers and told me that I “had the stroller, so there was that“.

May I remind you that it was raining.

DUH DUH

Buttmunch.

DUH DUH

I found a pack of tic tacs that she grabbed at the store the day before. She wouldn’t let them go and chewed off most of the wrapper so they were ours for keeps. Those only amused her for a few minutes.

While the little girl was racing around the room, I sat on the couch dazed from the lack of caffeine. I contemplated dragging the both of us to the hotel lobby so I could get my hands on some coffee and the little girl could run around in a bigger space.

To get to the lobby we had to go outside and walk what seemed like a mile in the pouring rain, so I decided it was best to just stay in the room.

DUH DUH

While I was twitching around from my caffeine withdrawal and a whiny toddler, I found two plastic spoons. I thought “Yay, she loves spoons!” A few seconds after giving her one, she dropped it on the nasty hotel room carpet. The same carpet that turned her white socks black within a few hours.

So I threw it away and gave her the second spoon. Same thing. Finally, I just let her start throwing things out of our bags onto the nasty carpet. The carpet Dateline NBC says is covered in fecal matter, salmonella, and sperm. I guess there are a lot of chickens that stay at hotels and have booty sex.

While the little girl was going through the bags, she struck gold. She found a Ziploc bag full of tampons, the ones that come in bright colors. She was entranced with my bag o’ tampons. The little girl started roaming around the room with the bag, shaking it and holding it above her head.

This kept her occupied for about 10 minutes. While she was playing with her new toy, I was looking through the bags again, not for toys but for anything resembling caffeine. No such luck.

DUH DUH

After she got bored with the bag, I spent the next seven hours repeatedly singing the Elmo Duck Song, Elmo’s Song, and letting her play with my cell phone (which surprisingly still works). I also got quite a workout staying in a room that wasn’t child-proofed. Finally after one of the longest. days. ever, the buttmunch came back to the room.

DUH DUH

Hmmm, what’s that sound? Is it me saying no sex for a week? Well, that’s nothing new.

*We’re still not in California. It has taken us forever to drive across the country and as of this morning we are in New Mexico, about an hour from Arizona. I finally got my hands on a new laptop (thanks to my sweet hubby, the buttmunch).

Comments { 7 }

Want your own reality show? Some lovely choices are marrying someone who’s a lot older than you or getting peed on. Hmmm…..that’s a tough choice. And possibly wet.

By on December 9, 2011 in a glimpse into my mind, crazazy, creepy, holy hell, my brain is melting, really?!, wineconed

I’ve had a bad case of writer’s block so I decided to answer one of my questions that I give my guest bloggers….”If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never have to hear about them again, who would it be?”

Okay, first things first. My husband and I were HUGE fans of the show Lost. I really loved when they would flashback to the childhood of Ben. I also really liked the actor who took pity on young Ben….Doug Hutchison. Then that guy, 51, married Courtney Stodden who at the time was supposedly 16. What the effity eff?! And I’ve heard they’re getting their own reality show.

Thank you Doug for ruining that part of Lost for me. And what the hell Courtney?! Stop doing that thing with your lips.

Where in the hell were this girl’s parents? Probably pimping out their other kids on Toddlers and Tiaras. Yes, I’ve seen that show but I can only last a few minutes. The trainwreck of all trainwrecks, The Real Housewives, is more up my alley.

But seriously, girls like Courtney scare the hell out of me when it comes to having a 2 year old daughter. I, like every other parent out there thinks that my kid is wicked smart and will see right through the superficial crap but at the same time I worry that the little hummingbird will think being like this will be the norm.

I need to get on my soapbox and say what in the hell happened to people with *real* talent?! I know they’re out there but damn, I miss the true actors like Ben Kingsley who’s a freaking acting ninja or musicians that can just go on stage with a microphone and a guitar, a la’ Glen Hansard, and sing the shit out of a song without 20 wardrobe changes and that horrible autotune.

The songs I’ve been hearing lately sound like they’re being sung through a fan. I know when I was younger, talking through a fan was really cool to me. What can I say? I’m easily entertained. And every time I would do it, I would have to say in my best Darth Vader voice Luke, I am your father.

Then there are the Kardashians….oh *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*! I admit I watched the first season of their “reality show” but after that I couldn’t take it. The mom is a pimp extraordinaire.

I used to love E!  but it seems like it’s become the Karbarfian channel. What’s really crazy is that Kim seemed to become famous simply by making a sex tape with water sports (read: being peed on). Oy!

So pack your bags girls and get ready for lift off. Or as the Karbarfians would say, kget kready kfor klift koff.

Comments { 0 }

There’s this wheelbarrow guy in our neighborhood who keeps dumping dirt by our house. He’s probably burying body parts which may include Mark Ruffalo’s missing legs.

By on July 26, 2011 in crazazy, get the net, hubby, i know i'm strange, i miss my brain, pictures, this post is brought to you by too much caffeine, weird

Dude, where are my legs?

There’s this guy that my hubby and I have dubbed the “wheelbarrow guy” that has been dumping dirt by our house. I’m not sure exactly where he lives but he walks across the soccer field that’s across the street from our house, walks up our driveway, and dumps the dirt by the woodsy area next to our house.

When my husband first mentioned that he kept on seeing this guy, I feigned interest and said something like oh really, that’s weird which made my husband go into more detail than I wanted to know about the wheelbarrow guy.

Then I told him it’s kinda creepy that you know so much about our neighbors and he was like what’s wrong with knowing this stuff and I told him there’s nothing wrong with it but some of the things you know sounds like your some kind of stalkerish peeping Tom, maybe even a creepy serial killer and he said maybe I am, bwahahaha then I told him I’m not having sex with a serial killer even if said killer happens to be my husband but he still didn’t deny it and I think he’s trying to go for a possible murderous mystique to add some oomph to our sex life but that’s just freaky and while I like freaky, I’m not into serial killer freaky.

Anyway…

Recently, when the hummingbird was having “quiet time” meaning a naptime party in her room, I had just gotten out of the shower. The bathroom window looks out on the side of our house and the blinds were open a little when I saw the guy. It’s not like I want my neighbors to see me buck naked but they had recently moved back to India so as far as I knew, the house was still vacant.

At first I thought he was our new neighbor but then I saw he was walking back across the soccer field and pushing a wheelbarrow. Instead of taking advantage of the glorious free time I had, for the next half hour or so I watched this guy wheel dirt and dump it by our house while wondering what in the hell is this guy doing.

I’m easily entertained and have no life.

After that, me and my hubby made a game out of spotting this wheelbarrow guy, kind of like playing Where’s Waldo, and wherever we would be in the house, whoever spotted him first would yell out it’s the wheelbarrow guy. We would watch the guy from a window and the little hummingbird would look at us as if to say These people are my parents?! For real?!

My husband had the idea that maybe the guy is making a fish pond or something that was logical in his backyard. I had other thoughts. I told him I thought the guy was a serial killer who’s burying bodies by our house.

That’s usually my answer to anyone who seems suspicious. Creepy guy who only buys microwaveable meals at the store; serial killer who has no time to cook. Someone running down the street and isn’t wearing typical running clothes but instead looks like they just spontaneously started running; serial killer or shoplifter making a run for it. Anyone I don’t know who enters my house, be it a repairman, cable guy, etc; serial killer thanks mom for ramming that in my brain.

Because my husband can be just as twisted as me, he said it’s most likely not bodies the wheelbarrow guy is burying by our house because that would be harder to hide. He said the guy was probably chopping up the bodies and burying the parts by our house. Obviously my hubby and I watch way too much Dexter.

We haven’t spotted the wheelbarrow guy in a few weeks so he either got caught and is in jail or finished his serial killer project. I refuse to go over by where he was dumping all of that dirt since I’m afraid there will be a dismembered arm sticking up from the ground.

Here are some completely unnecessary pictures that tell the tale of the serial killer wheelbarrow guy.

Fyi, that’s not police tape around the soccer field, they recently seeded it. Allegedly.

He goes across the field and then crosses the street.

He gets our driveway dirty.

Then he dumps the body parts.

Not only do we have an infestation of damn gophers in our neighborhood, there’s also an abudance of bears and unicorns. The wheelbarrow guy better watch his back.

He’s the king of the wheeeelbarroooowwwwssss!

Comments { 12 }

If this doesn’t prove I’m certifiable, I don’t know what will.

By on April 21, 2011 in a glimpse into my mind, crazazy, get the net

I have superstitions and things that have to be a certain way. Some things are OCD, some are just weird which I guess is one in the same. I have a ton of them but I’ll keep it short.

The number 13 freaks me out. I try to avoid making any doctor appointments or do anything of importance on the 13th. Sometimes I’ll get reactions from the people I’m making an appointment with when I tell them any day but the 13th and then they look at me like the loony person I am.

I got married on July 8th but several family members were coming into town a few days later and it was suggested that the date be changed to the 13th. No way! I might as well have walked under a ladder as I was going down the aisle while having a black cat crossing my path.

I don’t care if I’ve been impaled or my head has been cut off in some freak accident. I won’t see a doctor or have surgery to sew my head back on unless it’s on another date.

~~~

One of the highlights of my week is picking out the designs of the paper towels I get when I go to the grocery store. Woohoo, I’m so exciting!

Also I’m a paper towel slut even though I really try to be green. But as Kermit the Frog says, “It’s not easy being green”. The thought of wiping my clean hands on a cloth towel right before I prepare food gets me all twitchy.

I think of the millions of germs and plague spreading all over the towel.

~~~

It drives me crazy when my husband has something hanging out of a dresser drawer or a bag sticking out of one of the bins in the refrigerator. One time while I was in the shower, I heard him opening and closing the dresser drawers and knew he was up to something.

When I walked into the bedroom I saw that not only did he deliberately have clothes hanging out of his drawers to drive me crazy, he also did it to my dresser. I thought it was pretty hilarious but annoying at the same time since I had to open and close 10 dresser drawers and stuff the clothes back in.

He was waiting outside the bedroom for my reaction and I chased him around the house so I could strangle him. Actually it was more like a waddle since I was about 9 months pregnant so unfortunately he got away. Damn!

~~~

I absolutely, positively hate to drive and will do almost anything or make any excuse to get out of it. I go into panic mode because other people seem to do everything but drive while they’re in the car. Once I’m finally on the road I calm down and I think it’s not so bad but then the panic sets in the next time and the time after that.

Last week my hubby drove us to a doctor’s appointment and the guy behind our car was way too close. There was someone making a left turn so the hubs slowed down as one does in that situation and the asswipe behind us starts speeding up and tries to swerve around us.

Then he had the nerve to lay on his horn. Since the hummingbird was in the car, I got all Mama Bear. My husband told me to relax and that he would take care of it which meant he wasn’t going to do anything.

I turned around to look at the guy and while I really wanted to give him the finger, I kept on putting my hand up in a stop and back off motion while pointing at my baby girl in her car seat. I’m sure I looked completely sane. heh. It worked and the guy backed off.

I need to win the lottery so I can get a chaffeur….and a chef….and a personal hairstylist…and..and…

So I don’t feel like a total freak, what are some of your idiosyncrasies?

Comments { 19 }