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What do you give a 2 year old who was traumatized by the Easter Bunny last year? A big ass stuffed bunny.

By on January 20, 2012 in creepy, holy hell, i know i'm strange, mommyhood, pictures, the little hummingbird

After taking the little hummingbird to see the Easter Bunny last year and getting this reaction from her…

We vowed to never take her again and the hummingbird has banned all bunnies. This pic was emailed to both of our families but I guess one relative it wasn’t from my side of the family didn’t take the hummingbird’s bunny ban seriously and the Bunny Apocalypse of 2012 has already taken place.

It was stuffed in a big box so when we opened it, all we saw was pink fur until the hummingbird grabbed it out of the box and she came face to face with The Bunninator.

 

The bunny usually plays musical rooms all day and at night it somehow it’s my hubby’s doing ends up on our bed. Last night we were both way too tired to move so the bunny stayed on our bed and watched over us. It’s creepy to have a stuffed rabbit look down on you all night. It’s some Poltergeist shit except that was a freaky ass clown.

And while I’m on the subject…kinda….sorta…I’ll never understand giving a toddler or any kid a ginormous stuffed animal. This same relative gave the hummingbird a HUGE stuffed Elmo the year before and it’s still bigger than her.

She can’t cuddle up with it at night since it won’t fit in her bed, she can’t carry it around, and she can’t really play with it unless she gets sick of body slamming me and then Elmo has a use but it’s not very often because my kid loves kicking my ass and using me as a jungle gym.

The big ass Elmo just sits on her toy box all day and I found out the hard way that he talks when you squeeze his stomach. I was trying to stuff him in a garbage bag so I could put it in a closet without the hummingbird knowing and all of a sudden out comes Elmo Loooooves Youuu!

Holy f*cking hell.

It’s safe to say I jumped back a few feet.

~~~~~

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The three wolf moon shirt has magical powers.

By on December 15, 2011 in creepy, fashion victim, holy hell, my little girl, pictures, wha?

When it comes to the holiday, I avoid the mall because at this time of year people are batshit crazy. Actually, I think most people are batshit crazy whether or not it’s the holidays so I love to do my shopping online. I just recently got an adorable bear pom pom hat for the little hummingbird. I couldn’t resist and gave her the hat before Christmas because it is just too adorable!

You should go here and get of these hats for your little one. Once you put it on your cutie I can guarantee you’ll be jumping up and down and will keep saying awwwww, how cute while your husband gives you the side eye.

**********

Awhile back last year while I was shopping online, I somehow drifted and found myself on the page for the three wolf moon t-shirt. I started reading the comments and in no time, an hour or two quickly went by. I don’t think I laughed so hard in the longest time at the comments people were leaving.

“I bought this shirt for my brother-in-law last year for Christmas. While it is obviously something I should have kept for myself, I remembered that it is better to give than to receive. He opened it on Christmas eve and like any man of class would do, wore it to the family Christmas the next day.

Minutes after this shirt arrived at Grandpa’s house, two grown men in their 40′s were fighting in the front yard. It can’t be confirmed nor denied that this shirt is solely responsible for the punches thrown and wrestling in the snow, however, there is a strong belief that this shirt has testosterone sewn in under the beautiful picture of wolves howling. Some men cannot handle the power of this shirt, so please wear with caution.”

Feel the power radiating from your computer screen as you gaze at this shirt.

I also found this nifty coffin so if you’re still trying to figure out what to give that hard to shop for person in your life, nothing says I love you more than a coffin bought online from Amazon.

Uh, sweetie? Are you trying to tell me something?

Happy online shopping!

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Want your own reality show? Some lovely choices are marrying someone who’s a lot older than you or getting peed on. Hmmm…..that’s a tough choice. And possibly wet.

By on December 9, 2011 in a glimpse into my mind, crazazy, creepy, holy hell, my brain is melting, really?!, wineconed

I’ve had a bad case of writer’s block so I decided to answer one of my questions that I give my guest bloggers….”If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never have to hear about them again, who would it be?”

Okay, first things first. My husband and I were HUGE fans of the show Lost. I really loved when they would flashback to the childhood of Ben. I also really liked the actor who took pity on young Ben….Doug Hutchison. Then that guy, 51, married Courtney Stodden who at the time was supposedly 16. What the effity eff?! And I’ve heard they’re getting their own reality show.

Thank you Doug for ruining that part of Lost for me. And what the hell Courtney?! Stop doing that thing with your lips.

Where in the hell were this girl’s parents? Probably pimping out their other kids on Toddlers and Tiaras. Yes, I’ve seen that show but I can only last a few minutes. The trainwreck of all trainwrecks, The Real Housewives, is more up my alley.

But seriously, girls like Courtney scare the hell out of me when it comes to having a 2 year old daughter. I, like every other parent out there thinks that my kid is wicked smart and will see right through the superficial crap but at the same time I worry that the little hummingbird will think being like this will be the norm.

I need to get on my soapbox and say what in the hell happened to people with *real* talent?! I know they’re out there but damn, I miss the true actors like Ben Kingsley who’s a freaking acting ninja or musicians that can just go on stage with a microphone and a guitar, a la’ Glen Hansard, and sing the shit out of a song without 20 wardrobe changes and that horrible autotune.

The songs I’ve been hearing lately sound like they’re being sung through a fan. I know when I was younger, talking through a fan was really cool to me. What can I say? I’m easily entertained. And every time I would do it, I would have to say in my best Darth Vader voice Luke, I am your father.

Then there are the Kardashians….oh *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*! I admit I watched the first season of their “reality show” but after that I couldn’t take it. The mom is a pimp extraordinaire.

I used to love E!  but it seems like it’s become the Karbarfian channel. What’s really crazy is that Kim seemed to become famous simply by making a sex tape with water sports (read: being peed on). Oy!

So pack your bags girls and get ready for lift off. Or as the Karbarfians would say, kget kready kfor klift koff.

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What do my mom, a pickaxe, pedicures, and a kitty have in common? I really have no idea.

By on June 15, 2011 in creepy, love, mom, ouch, too much info

I was talking to my mom recently and she told me that she had just gotten a pedicure.

When I was younger I would try to do my own nails but I’ll try to cut all of my cuticles and hangnails and I just make things worse. There’s usually blood and pain involved as well as some fuck’s sprinkled in.

So I would think to myself screw it, just go to a nail salon. My nails can be pretty for awhile and I feel RAWR sexaay when my toenails are painted a deep red color.

I got my mom into getting pedicures and whenever she visits, we make time to do that together.

Post-humminbird, I get a pedicure once or twice a year if I’m lucky and my mom goes every month. At first I had to talk her into getting it done because she deserves getting pampered but she would say oh, that’s okay. I don’t need to go but now I’ve created a pedicure monster kidding.

Pre-hummingbird, I didn’t get them that often but since I only had a cat and as long as I got her permission not really (she was very demanding), she was fine with letting me get one if I gave her extra catnip and I would have to agree to let her paw me to death when she was trying to get comfortable on the couch or the bed.

She would paw and paw and paw and I would think just lay the hell down already because when you’re pawing me in the same place for several minutes, it freaking starts to hurt kitty. If I moved a muscle, the whole process would start all over again.

Sometimes after all that pawing, my cat would decide I wasn’t good enough and just hop off.

Nuh Uh! Are you kidding me, kitty?!

Um, Anway….

Around my mid 20′s, I started to feel like the roles between my mom and I reversed.

It’s hard to explain but I’ve gotten more maternal with my mom. I’m sure I’m not the only one that has gone through this role reversal. She’s protective, maternal, and wants what’s best for me and I’m the same with her. So, I guess it’s not really a reversal but it’s early in the morning and I can’t think of a better word to use.

It’s not that she isn’t capable of taking care of herself, she can kick ass, but sometimes I find myself telling her things she used to tell me when I was younger and she’ll say okaaay mom. Kids these days! What are you gonna do?

When my mom was telling me about her pedicure, she said the person doing it accidentally cut the side of her big toe. Then she told me how her big toenail is half dead and the nail tech cut it as short as possible. Being that our roles have reversed, I’ve been trying to convince her to go to the doctor.

Me: Why is your toenail half dead?

My mom: I hit my toe with a pickaxe*.

Me: *picturing my mom dismembering bodies* Why in the hell were you using a pickaxe?

Mom: I was trying to start a garden. *Obviously I don’t really garden but now I want to if I can use a weapon like a pickaxe. I’ll just be sure to wear steel toe boots*

Me: Well, shouldn’t you be aiming for the ground and not your foot? (I get my smartassyness from my mom and I mean that in the best way).

Mom: I was trying to but I was wearing flip-flops and wacked my big toe with the pickaxe.

Me: What?! You were gardening and thought it would be a good idea to swing around a sharp object while wearing flip-flops?

Mom: I know, it was stupid.

Me: Why don’t you go to a doctor? It doesn’t seem right that your toenail isn’t healing and keeps on getting nasty at a certain point. I thought with something like that happening, your nail would’ve fallen off. *shivers* *gags*

Mom: I did see my doctor and they were surprised it didn’t fall off too. They cut it down as much as they could and said it would take some time to heal.

Me: Well, when did you see your doctor about this because maybe you should get it checked out again?

Mom: Hmmm….let me see…it was about 3 or 4 years ago.

Me: WAIT, WHAT?!!!!

Mom: What?

Me: MOM! 3 or 4 years is a long ass time. You need to go again because something’s not right.

Mom: Yeah but I think it needs some more time to heal.

Me: WHAT?! It’s been plenty of time. What if your toe ends up falling off? Then you’ll wish you didn’t wait to see a doctor again.

Mom: My toe isn’t going to fall off.

Me: You never know. Or what if your half dead toenail is a zombie and tries to kill you and then it goes around killing other people? You will have caused killer zombie toenails.

Mom: If my half dead toenail ends up being a zombie and tries to kill me, I have a pickaxe to protect myself.

So what do you think? Should my mom get her zombie toenail looked at again before it causes a zombie toenail apocalypse?
 

*I thought it was spelled pickax but Google got up in my face and was like, well didn’t you mean “pickaxe”. Fine hoity-toity Google, I’ll spell it your way, you punkass. Google also had to brag and be all pretentious that they found “pickax” in about 430,000 results (0.28 seconds). Google, I wouldn’t brag about being so fast if you get my meaning.

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