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Due

prints1

This week has been really rough. Baby Ben was supposed to be due this week. We lost him back in mid-March when I was 28 weeks pregnant. We had already lost him before he was born but we were able to see him afterwards.

We also got his prints which I haven’t looked at again until this week. I thought I would be able to handle setting out his ashes in the urn but when we received them, we locked them up in the safe.

The little hummingbird has been telling me lately that she really misses the baby that was in my belly. She often asks if I’m going to have another baby and the answer is I really hope so.

I have absolutely no idea when we’re going to try again but at the same time, I’m no spring chicken and don’t have a lot of time to wait. I’m also scared as hell when it comes to getting pregnant again.

I know I’ll be very happy if we just have our beautiful 5 year-old but I have made planty of room in my heart for another child and I hope that gets filled.

*No Need To Argue

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For the first time, we have a house that makes me feel like a grown up. But what if I don’t want to grow up? I DON’T WANNA DO IT! Well, maybe I do.

house-11It was such a huge challenge trying to find a house in Maine during the summer. When we found our new house, we drove by it the day before we had the appointment to see it and I’m pretty sure I said “Holy fucking fuck! The house is AMAZING!!”

We could never get a house like this in California but the house here was nearly half the rent we were paying in military housing in CA.

I instantly fell in love with it. We were under so much pressure to find a house but I knew this one was the house. There are definitely house quirks we still haven’t gotten used to yet but I never even dreamed we could live in such a beautiful home.

It also comes with some anxiety since this is our first official grown-up house. The yard is huge and takes my husband over 2 hours to mow it once a week. I also find it funny that he’s now become a little obsessed with the length of our grass. Ha!

He has nearly 2 acres to mow, not an easy thing. We also have to worry about a generator, our water well, adding softener to the well water every 3 weeks, dealing with snow removal in our driveway, since it will be too big of a job do it ourselves, and the list goes on. Normally the places we’ve lived over the years didn’t require much work for the upkeep so it’s an adjustment.

We still have boxes lying around that we haven’t unpacked yet and the house is such a mess so it will be a little longer before we actually settle in.

For the first time since being here, I actually had a “it’s all good, we’ll do just fine here” moment last week. The hummingbird was playing on the tire swing while my husband and I were pushing her and I thought while the moment was so simple, it was the turning point for me to stop bitching so much about the move to Maine and how out of place I feel right now.

house-swing1

house-bike1

It made me see that my daughter is so happy here and the way of life is different here than in California. Not better or worse, just different… a slower pace and more laid back.

It’s something I’m still getting used to but I’m finally accepting that we’ll be here for the next 3 years. There are things that still leave me saying WTF? Like when I was on my way to pick the hummingbird up from preschool and got stuck behind a tractor on the highway.

Never really had that issue before. Haha!

Still feeling depressed because of the loss I had. I was making plans for a new baby that would be coming into this house next year so that’s been difficult to deal with.

But I see what a selfish bitch I’ve been because I see how happy my daughter is, which is the biggest priority, since starting school and playing regularly with the other kids in the neighborhood. Another thing she didn’t have in California.

I do feel a little lost though. My husband has his job, my daughter has preschool and will start kindergarten next year, but what the hell am I going to do here? We’ll besides writing, which reminds me. I found a screenwriting class here that starts in a few weeks and I’m so fucking excited. I’ve dreamed of doing this since I was in my early 20′s so this class is long overdue.

But I really would like to find a job here. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like I work with all the writing I do for this little blog and a few others but I want a job that gets me out of the house. I would hope the job would require writing but right now, I don’t really care since I’m going a little stir crazy being outside the city and in more of a country environment.

I haven’t had a job in quite a while since I mostly did volunteer work in the other places we lived. I’m doing that here too, but the literacy tutor program doesn’t start until October.

Okay, now I’m just rambling nonsense. But yeah, I’m at the point where my daughter’s getting older and I’m feeling I need to get it together and have more outside interests before I become crazier for not having a life while we’re here.

So, I’m finally relaxing a little more and starting to enjoy our new life in Maine.

The backyard doesn't seem like a big deal until...

The backyard doesn’t seem like a big deal until…

... you go up closer to the trees and see headstones.

… you get up closer to the trees and see headstones.

Yes, there's a cemetary behind our backyard. It doesn't bother me until night time. Then it's just fucking creepy.

Yes, there’s a cemetery behind our backyard. It doesn’t bother me until night-time. Then it’s just fucking creepy.

I promise that if people start crawling out of their graves and start dancing to Thriller, I’ll film it and post it on you tube. My husband says I shouldn’t hold my breath but you just never know.

If the zombies actually do the Thriller dance, my ass is having front row seats on the deck.

If the zombies actually do the Thriller dance, my ass is having front row seats on the deck.

*Why the Thriller dance, of course.

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I need Marky Mark to complete my funky bunch.

Depression. What a pain in the ass.

I’ve been in such a major funk. I thought once we moved into our new house, I would feel better but it just seems even more overwhelming. The depression got worse.

After having to wait 6 weeks, I was finally able to see my new doctor recently. She switched me back to the anti-depressant I used to be on before I found out I was pregnant. Hoping it kicks in very soon.

I really miss the baby that will never be. I’ve probably already mentioned this in another post but I let the hummingbird pick out a dinosaur shirt for the little one back in June, not long after I found out that I was pregnant. She loved it so much and couldn’t wait to see the baby in it.

She still frequently asks me “who’s going to wear the dinosaur shirt now?” That fucking kills me. It’s like knives in the heart.

As far as Maine goes, yes it’s gorgeous here but I’m still really missing northern California. It’s been more of an adjustment here than I was expecting. I know my pissy attitude with being here has A LOT to do with the miscarriage last month.

Currently looking for a therapist.

And holy fuck…. THE FUCKING MOSQUITOES here are insane. And the ants, and spiders, and all these bugs. That’s just inside the house. I feel like I’m camping indoors.

I’ve found I’m more of a city girl than I thought. A few weeks ago, I was outside in the front yard with the little hummingbird and hubby when a grasshopper jumped up on my shirt.

I screamed bloody murder! My husband hasn’t let me live it down since.

Butthead.

We still have what seems like never ending boxes to unpack.

I’m slowly getting back into writing. But it’s been too slow to my liking so I just need to sit the fuck down this weekend and write something… anything.

Also this weekend, we need to look for another car. We did fine in Cali with one car, mostly because we were so close to the base where my husband worked but here I feel like I’ve become a taxi driver.

He’ll just be getting a cheap commuter car but it will be awesome when I don’t have to drive all over central Maine to take him back and forth to work.

Yay!

*Dave at Bring Me Death… Or A Sandwich is writing again so go over and check his blog out if you haven’t before. I know you’ll love him.

** No One Knows

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Milk

I thought I was dealing the best that I could with the loss  I had.

The miscarriage.

There I was, strutting my shit on the elliptical machine in the hotel gym room the other day, with only a few minutes left.

I had my iPod on shuffle and the Kings Of Leon, Milk, came on.

I thought I was dealing with my feelings okay considering the circumstances but that song brought out all my hurt and pain I felt about losing the baby that I wanted so much.

I had all these dreams and hopes for this child.

It made me want to scream out and just crumple onto the floor. I had no idea just how much the loss was affecting me until that moment.

I think my feelings about the loss were numb until that day.

The only words I could utter to my husband later that night was that my heart is so broken.

My heart breaks for the baby that never will be.

I love you, my little peanut.

*Milk

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I thought I was already living some kind of hell on earth. Then I got a Creed song stuck in my head. That’s true hell.

Omg, please take this Creed song out of my brain. They are the band spawned from Satan. Ick! Lol!

No, I would never tell you the song that’s stuck in my head. I love you way too much! But the song has been in my head since last Tuesday. THE HORROR!!

I’m still in a whole bunch of hurt but my sense of humor is slowly coming back. We signed the papers to our new house on Sunday which we won’t be able to move into for another 2-3 weeks. Aggghhh!

Sure, people have been telling me they LOVE hotels, but it’s taken 5 days to go through the whole miscarriage and YES, being in a hotel sucks when you’re dealing with something like this.

I’ve been in a bad way but I’m finally starting to come around… slowly.

This whole thing has also made me feel like taking down my blog, quitting my Twitter addiction, and just disappearing.

But something inside me says …. NOOOOO!

So, here I am still.

Just so you know, for the next few weeks, there will be sporadic posting from me and guest posting from others. Once we actually move into our house, I know everything will be back on track.

Needless to say, I’m going through A LOT of changes and need to get my focus back from this crazy ass move.

Also, I love you! And I’ve been reading all the comments and the emails I’ve been getting… so thank you, thank you thank you!

*NOT Creed.

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A miscarriage is horrible and even though you feel like you want to die, you surprisingly won’t. That’s really hard for me to believe right now, but that’s what I have to keep telling myself.

I’m angry, pissed off, hurt, devastated, heartbroken, furious, in emotional hell, and want to get the fuck out of this hotel room.

We were only in Maine for 3 days when it happened.

It’s fucked up that I have to deal with this while stuck in a hotel, without any comforts of a home, and I feel like I want to die.

Pity party, table for one.

I honestly don’t know how this kind of emotional and physical pain doesn’t kill you.

Even though we thought one was enough, we found that we do want a baby #2 and will try again… once we heal and after plenty of time to do so.

We continued looking at houses the next day because we have to do what we have to do. I had to put on a happy face while we walked through homes, while my huge pads were soaked in blood and my body was in such pain.

Absolute hell.

One house we looked at had a 1 month old baby boy. I wanted to crawl up in a ball and die as soon as I saw him.

After we left, my husband and I went straight to lunch to have a drink.

We finally found a home that’s beyond what I dreamed. But we don’t move in until mid July so our things have to be put in storage.

So, here we will be, at the hotel until then.

The bleeding, cramping, and pain are still in full force. When the hummingbird catches me crying, she asks if the baby is making me sick.

She doesn’t quite understand what happened.

I cry even more because she still thinks she’s getting a brother or sister.

Thank you all for your support through this hell.

My therapy.

Dexter

Dexter

PJ

PJ

My 4 year-old tissue monster.

Rawr!

Rawr!

What made me actually crack a smile that was so desperately needed.

Awesomeness

Awesomeness

~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~

*Goo Goo Dolls

 

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I felt so hopeful with this pregnancy…

But I lost the baby hummingbird. I thought it was just normal, early pregnancy spotting that started last night but by the morning, the bleeding was so heavy.

After spending half the day in the ER, along with blood work, an internal exam, and an ultrasound, my worst fear was confirmed.

This baby was such a surprise but also very loved and wanted as soon as I saw the test turn positive.

I’m completely heartbroken.

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