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My Ongoing In Law Cycle Of Thoughts


My in-laws will be visiting in a little over two weeks and I’ve been trying to mentally prepare for them, especially now with our new house, they’ll be staying with us for four fucking days since there’s plenty of space and we can’t use that as an excuse.

I suggested to my husband that they should stay in a hotel anyway for a much-needed break in between the days but he thinks that’s impolite. Well, fuck. I personally don’t think so and would make it more about them needing their privacy but I didn’t win that one.

With the weeks and months that follow after one of their visits, I start softening up to them and after four or so months, I’ll convince myself that they really aren’t that bad. Then, I start feeling like shit about how much I rant about them and think this time when the in-laws come to stay with us, we’ll actually have a pleasant time. Hey, I never said I wasn’t delusional.

I’ll become so worked up with guilt and feel like a horrible person for the things I say about them. I start convincing myself that I just need to suck it up and stop overreacting. The hummingbird adores them and I keep my feelings to myself and it makes me happy that she’s so happy when they visit.

But then, they arrive. When we greet them, I’m kind of like a deer in headlights with thoughts of all the past bullshit I’ve dealt with when it comes to them and also the simple fact that oh shit, they’re actually here and this visit is really happening.

Within ten minutes, my father in law is talking about every single little detail that happened on their trip here and none of it relates to them. He’ll be saying what he overheard someone else on the plane talk about, go into a thorough overview of a person on his flight that he was nearby and without any knowledge of the person, form all of his own ideas and opinions about who this person might be, what kind of job they have, why they were traveling, etc, etc.

Then, we hear about the people who have died, for example a church member’s sister’s uncle’s grandmother who they have no idea about or never met and that will give me a bang my head against a spike moment. We also hear about how much my mother in law misses her over 100 turtles even though it’s been like five hours since she’s seen them.

By the two-hour mark, not only am I ready for them to go to their hotel room that they don’t have, I’m ready for the entire visit to be over with. But, what’s that? They brought a few gifts for the hummingbird. Hmmm, I can’t imagine what the theme of these gifts will be. Oh, look at that! A shirt with a turtle on it and lookie at the other one, a turtle purse.

At this point, I’ve gone into the kitchen at least once but more like twice to get a few shots of vodka. I can’t forget how the father in law will also discuss ALL the fucking construction in detail that he saw while driving up from Boston. Oh. my. god. A text usually goes out to my mom around this time with something usually along the lines of “help!”.

It will be about time for the bird to get into bed and once she’s tucked into her room, the four of us sit there while my FIL goes back to talking about the construction he saw on the way up here. He wonders what they’re doing if it’s road construction and make assumptions. If it’s something he saw being built like a new construction site, oh lawdy, he goes through the details of how it’s going to be built, with lots of detail and with a fine tooth comb even though he doesn’t know what the hell it’s actually going to be.

And again, this is all assumptions but since he loves to hear himself talk and lecture he seems pretty sure of himself that what he’s saying is fact. Oh. my. god. By now it’s been a good four hours since they’ve arrived and while it may be a little rude, I’ll turn on the television and put it on closed captioning and turn down the volume so he can continue with his lecturing and so I won’t fall asleep because the man is like human ambien.

What has become a little escape for me turns into a nightmare because the FIL starts reading the closed captioning out loud. And, he has 20,000 questions about what’s on when I haven’t yet seen it myself. He’s like my 7 year-old when watching things. Is it really that difficult for a 60 something grown man to not be able to draw conclusions for himself??! I mean, he seemed pretty capable with talking about construction bullshit and the people on the plane and in the airport and AGGHHH!

During this time, my MIL will take some passive aggressive starter strikes at me about how the house looks or how the hummingbird is being raised and how that’s not the way they did it when her kids were growing up.

I’m finally done and head off to bed completely wiped out. But the thing is they get me so wound up and are so fucking exhausting to be around that I don’t know what to do with myself. I’ll end up being too tired and mindfucked to sleep.

The next morning, I absolutely dread opening the bedroom door while hearing them out in the kitchen while the hubby gets breakfast together.

My FIL will always ask how I slept and if I’m doing okay. I’ll tell him no, no I’m not okay and I slept like shit because you two stress the fuck out of me so I’m sleep deprived and pissy from the lack of sleep I had that may have been resolved if you would have just stayed at a damn hotel.

Okay, that’s what I’d like to say but just say a simple fine. There’s of course not much breakfast table chatter since my FIL won’t shut the fuck up. He’s like one of those talking dolls that has a string in the back and once you pull it, it talks for a few seconds. Except, his string doesn’t have a stopping place.

There’ll be plans to go out and see the sites but oh darn, I’ve come down with some mysterious ailment and would be better off staying at the house while they go out with the family.

The non stop talking from my FIL and the passive aggressive bullshit from my MIL continues for the rest of the visit and finally the moment arrives.


I put on my fake sad face and it’s all I can do to stop myself from shoving them out of the door. Finally, they’re gone and the bird will feel sad so I’ll console her while in my head a mariachi band plays to celebrate there departure. A few weeks after they’ve left, I’ll start to recover and get some of my sanity back.

After a month or two, the husband will mention that his parents are looking forward to come up and visit us again soon. My eyes meet his and I give him the death stare followed by a ‘they were just here!” A few months later, my daughter will start asking when she’ll see her grandma and grandpa again and I start to feel myself weaken.

The hubby and I go back and forth about what’s a good time for them to come and visit. I weaken some more and think this visit won’t be as bad as all the other ones, despite my 21 years of knowing otherwise.

Because damn it, maybe it’s all me and not just them and I’m sure I was just being on edge when they came for a visit last time.

This visit, I’ll make sure to do all that I can to have more patience.

They arrive and I will make this visit work in my favor.

Two hours later and two shots of vodka down the hatch and I’m ready for them to leave.

And the cycle repeats.


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I’m Sorry I Ate Your Chips And Dip. And Drank Your Pepsi. And Didn’t Give You Any Peace And Quiet Unless I Was Unconscious.


This past summer, we went camping at a cabin for four days. It may not seem like roughing it but I’m not outdoorsy so that was like being in an episode of Naked and Afraid. With the exception of the huge scare with the hummingbird’s hypoglycemia, the days prior were really nice, although being in close quarters with each other could test my patience.

I’m the type that gets drained by being around people frequently so I need to take time to recharge by myself. That’s hard to do when you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere in a small cabin.

After a few days of a lot of togetherness, I decided to stay at the cabin for the afternoon while the hummingbird and husband went swimming. When we were at the lodge picking up some overpriced items we really didn’t need, I grabbed some french onion dip and chips.

Yes, I actually have fond memories of my mom eating chips and dip. It represents me being about 10 years old during the summer, without a care in the world, playing outside for hours.

While looking back on my childhood, it seems rare that I saw my mom sitting down for long. The times I do were when she’d have some free time to just chill out with a magazine, a Pepsi (I’m a coke purist but had no control back then), and some dip with wavy Lays or ruuuuffles with riiidges. Am I the only one who remembers the ruffles with ridges commercials?

Just to be clear, I was a 10 year-old with a “my parent exists only to wait on me hand and foot” mentality. Kind of like when you realize your parent’s name is something else besides “mom” or “dad” and they actually have outside interests besides their kids wants and needs.

What kind of crazy talk is that?!

I would occasionally find her sitting in the dining room with an ice-cold Pepsi, chips and dip, and the latest gossip about Princess Diana or what kind of marriage crisis Elizabeth Taylor was in.

Because parents will forever be fucked when it comes to finding free time without their kids finding out, I felt it was my duty to sit with my mom and bug her. Not intentionally. Just because that’s what kids do best.

I would always ask her if I could have some of her chips and dip and she would never deny me. Then I’d be like “Mom? Can I please have just a tiny sip of your Pepsi? Please? Please? Please? What are you reading? Can I read it after you’re done? Which story are you on now? Elizabeth Taylor did what with who? Mom? Mom? Can I have a few more of your chips? And just another tiny sip of your Pepsi?”

Then, there was the camping trip over the summer and the several hours spent together with a lot of togetherness.

So, while I spent an hour alone that day, I enjoyed the hell out of it. And I noticed I was doing the same thing I remember my mom doing. The cabin was quiet except for the hum of the ceiling fan and I sat at the dining room table enjoying my coke, chips and dip, and reading my gossip rag, US Weekly.

I was finally relaxing for the first time on our camping trip but at the same time I had no idea when the hubby and my 6 year-old would walk through the front door and that’s when it hit me.

Oh my god. My poor mom. In her quest to find some peace and quiet from her kids, not only did I never leave her alone unless I was sleeping, all the poor woman wanted was a cold drink with some chips and dip and some celeb gossip between loads of laundry and cleaning the house and I took it from her.


The things moms and dads are put through that you have no idea about until you have a child can blow my mind. I had a grilled cheese for lunch recently and guess who wasn’t hungry but changed her mind upon me taking my first bite of my sandwich.

It ended up being hers, except for the crust and I didn’t say one damn word. Oh, I had plenty to think. Like “Omg, you’re taking my delicious, cheesy food and I’m STARVING!”

But on the outside, I was all “would you like me to make one for you? No? Okay. Sure, you can have half. Oh, you went through that fast. The crust? Sure, I’ll take the crust because I’m fucking hungry and you’re eating my food and not eating yours and you will never understand this until you have kids of your own and damn, that was the last, delicious, cheesy bite of my grilled cheese sandwich that you just ate.”

*When We Were On Fire

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Vegetarian Spinach Enchiladas

Photo Credit: Two Peas

Photo Credit: Two Peas

I’ve been cutting out meat for the most part but it’s been challenging when it comes to finding something my husband will like as well as my very picky 6 year-old. I love that this enchilada recipe uses green enchilada sauce since the hummingbird won’t go near the red sauce.

What makes me love these even more is these enchiladas can be made ahead of time and they freeze really well. Just sprinkle the cheese on after being taken out of the freezer. This would be a perfect dish to make for a new mom or neighbor.

I serve this with a side of refried beans and a salad with a dressing of low-fat sour cream and salsa.



1 tablespoon olive or grapeseed oil
1 small yellow onion, diced
1 clove garlic, minced
8 cups (about 2 bags) fresh spinach leaves
Juice from 1 lime
1/3 cup chopped cilantro
1/2 teaspoon ground cumin
1/4 teaspoon ground chili powder
1/2 cup light sour cream
Salt and black pepper, to taste
2 cans (10 oz each) Old El Paso Mild Green Chile Enchilada Sauce
8 Flour Fajita Size Tortillas
2 cups shredded light Monterey Jack cheese, divided
1 cup shredded Cheddar cheese, divided

Optional Toppings:
Green onions, chopped
Fresh cilantro, chopped
Diced avocado


1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. In a large skillet, heat olive or grapeseed oil over medium high heat. Add the onion and cook until softened, about 3-4 minutes. Add the garlic and cook for an additional 2 minutes. Add the spinach leaves and cook until they are wilted and shrinks down. Stir in the lime juice, cilantro, cumin, and chili powder. Remove from heat and stir in the sour cream. Season with salt and pepper, to taste.

2. To assemble, spread about 1/2 can of enchilada sauce in the bottom of a 9 x 13 baking dish. Fill each tortilla with about 3 tablespoons of the spinach mixture. In a medium bowl, combine both kinds of shredded cheese. Sprinkle cheese over spinach mixture, about 3 tablespoons per enchilada.

Roll up and place seam side down in the baking dish. Top enchiladas with the other 1/2 can of enchilada sauce and about 1/2 of the other can. We had some sauce leftover. Sprinkle remaining shredded cheese on top of enchiladas. Bake 20-30 minutes or until the cheese is melted, and the sauce is bubbling around the edges.

3. Garnish enchiladas with green onion, cilantro, and avocado, if desired.

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10 Things To Do Before Christmas


10. Battle it out with the tape and wrapping paper.

9. Get a sugar buzz from hot cocoa.

8. Get a buzz from spiked hot chocolate.

7. Curse out the Christmas lights.

6. Cry when hearing your favorite holiday song. Damn you, emotions!

5. Buy enough booze for a small army because family is coming.

4. Decide you want to get a jump start to a healthier lifestyle and don’t make it past dinner because CHRISTMAS COOKIES.

3. Wonder why the hell you’re sending holiday cards to half the people on your card list.

2. Say “I’m never doing this shit again!”

1. Watch Elf.

Happy Holidays!

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An In-Law Visit: Your Ass Will Need A Nap After This

Hola! I’ve been taking a break from my blog for a bit but I’m baaaack. So, my in-laws recently came to visit for 5 days. 5 fucking days of hell. I’m so very jealous of people who have such nice in-laws and get along so well with them.

Can we please trade? No? I don’t blame you.

After a lot of time goes by from their visit, I think “Well, maybe they aren’t so bad after all.” But when they come back to visit, I think yes, yes they sure as hell are!

My mother-in-law, as usual, gave me plenty of her quips and witchy ways and I still don’t get what’s up her ass to be like that towards me.

Example: At breakfast one morning, we had pancakes. I asked the little hummingbird if she’d like syrup on them since she usually does. Simple, right?

But as usual, when I direct a question to my 6 year-old or husband, my MIL always, always, always has to interject.

Me: Little bird, would you like some syrup?

Little bird: That’s okay, I don’t need any.

Me: Are you sure?

Little bird: Yeah.

Mother-In-Law to Me: Aren’t you listening? She can make her own decisions and said she doesn’t want any! Why don’t you just leave her alone?!

Yeah, she got many digs like that in, just like she always does.

My FIL spent most of the time, like every time they visit, lecturing and rambling on. Completely oblivious to the fact that everyone becomes fidgety and bored. This man is like natural ambien.

I actually recorded some of what he was talking about, pretending like I was taking pictures when we were out to lunch one day. It was for the purpose of emailing it to my mom and sister since they are entertained by him but at the same time, can’t believe the shit he talks about.

It’s very difficult to not only follow whatever he’s saying but also impossible to chime in and try to steer his lectures conversation in another direction.

This is just a transcript from the 1 minute 32 second (it went on for 45 minutes) recording I did. And let me tell you, doing this transcript was as exciting as watching grass grow.

I started recording while he was in the middle of talking about whatever the hell he was talking about. I was so tuned out but mostly heard Blah, blah, blah, DNA. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, DNA, blah. It’s like listening to adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons.

Father-In-Law: The authors had incurred their names and some sayings into a DNA. Either 4 letters and you could just use those letters to, um, to represent any letters if you put 2 or 3 together so you can make a code.

And then you can in code your name into it. What he did, uh, he’s done some pretty neat things with DNA and printings so he… his book that he just recently published, and he printed the whole thing and coded into one DNA strand and then he replicated it.

He put 70 billion copies on his book into a single drop of DNA onto this piece of paper that was smaller than a period. 70 billion copies.

The idea is that through DNA, it’s a more efficient way of storing things than the most advanced computers right now.

Here’s how the hummingbird felt about the 45 minute lunch while he was talking.


Me too, hummingbird. Me too.

Have you had to endure any visits from your in-laws recently? 

Updated: In case you’d like to stroll down memory lane, here are a few more of my in-law posts. A Lack Of Boundaries With A Side Of Ranch Dressing, How My MIL Ruined My Wedding And Made Me Want To Set Myself On Fire Just So I Could Get Away From Her Crazy, and When You Wish Upon A Star… And It’s Stuck… Up Where?!

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When You Go Out Of Your Way To Make A Nice Meal For Your Family And They Kind Of End Up Being A**holes About It.

1350591749695_7822193*I’m still sick and I have to say, I am the biggest pussy ever when it comes to having a cold. It definitely makes you see just how good you have it when you’re healthy.

Last week, when I was in my “pre-sick” stage, I wanted to make a nice dinner for my husband and the little hummingbird. It’s also the day that I made the incredibly orgasmic mini salted caramel apple pies.

Even though we’re a family of 3, it’s such a pain in the ass to get everyone on the same page when it comes to agreeing on what to make for a meal. Okay, actually I need to take that back. My husband will eat anything. Even some of the most horrible, OMG, what the fuck went wrong meals I’ve made over the years.

It’s my 5 year-old daughter who is picky, picky, picky.

Here’s where I have to say I for the most part ate pretty much everything my mom made. She was a single mom for many years and we had several meals of those cheap pot pies. She did the best that she could to feed us so I absolutely appreciate her efforts.

Come to think of it, I was probably more of a whiny little kid when it came to the food we had but I did my best to eat what she was able to afford.

Anyway, as a parent, there is probably at least one time, if not more, where you make a nice dinner for your family and go out of your way to cover all of the different tastes for them. It’s a pain in the ass but damn it, you want everyone to sit down, have a nice dinner, and not bitch and complain.

This particular night did not go as planned. Of course it didn’t. Fuckity fuck!

It may not seem like a fabulous dinner but I made buffalo macaroni and cheese. The perfect comfort food. So delicious and kid friendly. I even made a special casserole dish of it for the hummingbird.

I was running an hour behind though and everyone was bitchy by the time I was able to serve it up.

I was also bitchy and a total asshole to my husband because while preparing this meal, I realized that while I went to the store earlier, I forgot to get half and half. Fuck!

Then I flipped the hell out and sent my poor husband to the quick mart down the road. He was trying to be helpful and offer alternatives but I was all like NO! I FUCKING NEED THIS FUCKING HALF AND HALF, FUCKING FUCK!

Not one of my proudest moments… obviously.

I finally get this dinner in order and on the table. But did my family appreciate it? Hell no!

My hubby chowed down without breathing because he was so damn hungry and my daughter whined and said she didn’t like it. She wanted me to make Kraft mac n’ cheese instead.

And I had to get up multiple times for my daughter. “Can you please get me a napkin, mom? I wanted juice instead. I dropped my fork, can you get another one? My food is cold now, can you microwave it? Now my food is too hot and I can’t eat it. I don’t like this. Can I have something else?”

OMG! Really, people? REALLY?!

So, I sat there and cried. I totally lost it and cried while thinking fuck this shit.

I sat on the couch and cursed my family under my breath while my husband and daughter happily played together after dinner.

But then, I kinda sorta pulled it together and we had those delicious apple pies for dessert.

And all was finally good again.

Because mmmm, pie!

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Throwback Thursday: My Beautiful Mom And Snazzy Grandfather

When it comes to me and having my photo taken, it’s not a good mix by any means. Even when I was a cute kid, I HATED having my photo taken. Even now, I edit my pics if I share with someone. My aunt was the same way.

Pretty much every photo I have of her has her avoiding the camera or turning her face so you couldn’t see her. Haha! It must run in the family.

Anyway, for the past 15 years or so, I’ve been telling my husband that I want to organize our big ass box of pictures and put them into photo albums. Someday, I really want to pass them on to the hummingbird.

As I was looking through the photos, I found a photo of my beautiful mother and my very snazzy maternal grandfather. He was the coolest grandfather ever, the best.

He passed away when I was only 15 and I think about him every single day. We spent the day together one day during the summer and his last words to me were “See you soon! Two months later, he left this earth.

But, I have my beloved photos of him and will forever keep him in my memory and think of him always. He had a tattoo on his arm that he got while in the military that I thought was so cool. He fought in World War 2, was part of the Flying Tigers, and was a police officer.

My family didn’t have cable but he would put a video in his VCR (fuck, I feel old), and record hours of MTV for me, back when they actually played music videos.

He would do those little things for me that I greatly appreciated. I love him dearly.

The little hummingbird has been told plenty about how wonderful her great-grandfather was. I hope she learns more about him as the years go by and see just how special he was.

My incredible grandfather.

My incredible grandfather.


My beautiful mother.

My beautiful mother.

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