Archive | family RSS feed for this section

Throwback Thursday: My Beautiful Mom And Snazzy Grandfather

When it comes to me and having my photo taken, it’s not a good mix by any means. Even when I was a cute kid, I HATED having my photo taken. Even now, I edit my pics if I share with someone. My aunt was the same way.

Pretty much every photo I have of her has her avoiding the camera or turning her face so you couldn’t see her. Haha! It must run in the family.

Anyway, for the past 15 years or so, I’ve been telling my husband that I want to organize our big ass box of pictures and put them into photo albums. Someday, I really want to pass them on to the hummingbird.

As I was looking through the photos, I found a photo of my beautiful mother and my very snazzy maternal grandfather. He was the coolest grandfather ever, the best.

He passed away when I was only 15 and I think about him every single day. We spent the day together one day during the summer and his last words to me were “See you soon! Two months later, he left this earth.

But, I have my beloved photos of him and will forever keep him in my memory and think of him always. He had a tattoo on his arm that he got while in the military that I thought was so cool. He fought in World War 2, was part of the Flying Tigers, and was a police officer.

My family didn’t have cable but he would put a video in his VCR (fuck, I feel old), and record hours of MTV for me, back when they actually played music videos.

He would do those little things for me that I greatly appreciated. I love him dearly.

The little hummingbird has been told plenty about how wonderful her great-grandfather was. I hope she learns more about him as the years go by and see just how special he was.

My incredible grandfather.

My incredible grandfather.

 

My beautiful mother.

My beautiful mother.

Comments { 0 }

How To Survive A Visit From Your In Laws

1324012756612_5703688My in laws have finally left and surprisingly, I survived. I pretty much avoided them and stayed out of their way as much as possible. Unless of course they took us out to eat. Because HELLO, FREE FOOD! Who the hell doesn’t like a free meal?! Nobody, that’s who.

If I didn’t avoid them as much as I was able to, I would probably be writing this with pencil and paper from a prison cell. I would’ve been all Orange Is The New Black but really though, orange just isn’t my color.

Well, it isn’t really anyone’s color, except for maybe super hotties like Mark Ruffalo, Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, Liev Schrieber, or perhaps even the always gorgeous Kerry Washington and Robin Wright.

But I’m totally getting off point here.

For the low, low price of zilch, zero, nada, you too can follow these easy steps to survive your visiting in laws.

Take notes, people! There may be a pop quiz later on.

Step 1: Drink… A Lot. Vodka or wine in a coffee mug is a great choice. Especially one that has been hand painted by your child. It will look sweet and innocent but at the same time, you’ll be getting plastered. It’s a win win.

Hiding your alcohol intake will be one less thing your mother in law will judge you by and bitch about. It will also make it more tolerable and entertaining when your in laws tell you stories about your spouse growing up that you’ve heard 1oo times before.

Step 2: Fake an illness (cramps, bloating, pms, mad cow disease, problematic anal warts) and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Make sure to let out a few groans of pain in their presence.

Step 3: Fake raging diarrhea and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Nobody questions diarrhea. Ever.

Step 4: See steps 1-3.

Happy visiting!

Comments { 4 }

A Mom’s View: What Happened To My Bathtub?

As I took a shower yesterday, I went to shave my legs but when I lifted one of my legs up, I knocked over a small bucket containing a few squeaky ducks, some kind of small fish that squirted water, and a fake orange wtf from my daughter’s play kitchen.

That’s when I started thinking. What the hell happened to my bathtub?!

Pre-hummingbird, I would indulge in long, hot showers. Oh, those were the days. Or the occasional relaxing bath complete with an inflatable bath pillow, a loofah brush, soft music, and lit vanilla candles on the bathroom counter. Maybe even a glass of wine.

Post-hummingbird, I’m inundated with squeaky ducks, toy cars, and even snorkeling gear. Because every kid, or at least my kid, can’t seem to have a bath without it.

Now, I do quick showers while the hummingbird yells out Mom… Mom? Where is my Hello Kitty shirt? I want to dress up like Elsa but can’t find my blue dress. Can you give me a braid ? I pooped, can you help me wipe my butt? MOM! Are you almost done???

That’s when I thought, you know what? I’m going to show you a mom’s view of the crap all over the bath. And because I’m kinda nuts, I even took a picture.

Now, keep in mind, it’s usually more of a disaster than usual but I recently cleaned up because in just mere hours, my in laws will be visiting for four fucking days. Yeah, you read that right. My in laws are coming for a visit.

RED ALERT… MY IN LAWS ARE COMING!

Don’t worry. I’ve already purchased an economy sized bottle of red wine and made sure I have plenty of vodka at the ready. Actually, while we were at the store, my husband grabbed a big bottle and said “Do you think this will help you make it through my parents visit? hahaha

In case you’re new here, you might want to take a look at some of these in law posts: My MIL ruined my wedding and made me want to set myself on fire just so I could get away from her crazy, In-law Apocalypse, My in-laws are coming and I’ve already reserved myself a spot in a psych ward just in case, The time when my in-laws invited themselves to my sister’s wedding and she wanted to kill me and then my mom wanted to kill them only 2 hours after their presence, the very touching story of A Lack Of Boundaries With A Side Of Ranch Of Ranch Dressing, and my personal favorite… When You Wish Upon A Star… And It’s Stuck Up… Up Where?!.

If you dare, just scroll though my subjects and look up in-laws and mother-in law where I vent, bitch, and whine about them.

But back to the subject at hand.

A Mom’s and Dad’s view after kids. This could go two ways, zero participation where all you hear is crickets, chirp, chirp… or wanting to show your view. Whether describing your kids takeover of your bathroom in the comments section, or posting you own photo on my Facebook page, This Is Mommyhood.

I would absolutely love to read about it or see pics. I can’t be the only mama out there with this issue.

So, come on ladies and gents. Don’t be shy. We’re in this together. Show me what you’ve got! If this goes well, I may, just may show you my 5 year-old’s room aka the disaster zone that’s clean for five minutes and then BOOM, it’s an outright mess. I may even show the hot mess that is my kitchen, or the hummingbird’s play area… GASP!

This is my view of the bathtub. But keep in mind, it usually looks much worse, with toys on the floor and lying all over in the tub:

Mermaids, and buckets, and snorkeling gear, oh my!

Mermaids, and buckets, and snorkeling gear, oh my!

xoxo

Updated: If I get at least 5 pics of your bathtub kid takeover on my FB page, I will absolutely show you the little hummingbird’s hot mess of a bedroom next week. WTF am I saying?! I’ll probably show you anyway because I just lurves to overshare. haha!

Comments { 1 }

My kid has learned to lay on the guilt. F***ck.

Not to offend or be politically incorrect (Actually I hate being politically correct, it’s called humor people!!! Get a fucking grip.), blah, blah blah… but I feel like I’m living with a tiny Jewish mother when it comes to my 5 year-old daughter.

Not that I have a Jewish mother and I don’t mean to stereotype, but as long as I’ve been on this earth, there have been countless times that I’ve heard that Jewish mothers have taken guilt to an art form.

Anyway…

What really stood out for me was when we had our camping trip a few weeks ago and the little hummingbird really layed the guilt on us. I felt like shit but at the same time, it was fucking hilarious to me. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there.

My husband was making a fire so we could roast some marshmallows for s’mores and to start the fire, he dug around in the backseat of the car for some paper. It was paper with drawings and such that the bird made at preschool.

Drawings that she forgot about that had been in the back of my car for months. Yes, I really need to clean my car. Desperately.

My daughter normally didn’t give a shit about these pictures and drawings but immediately grew an attachment to them when my husband picked them out to use for the fire. I get it, really I do, since I do the same but what followed almost made me pee myself.

As her sudden attachment to her pictures were burning in the fire, she layed on the guilt big time.

I’ll never forget it.

As she watched them burn, she stood by the fire with the most pitiful look on her face and said “Bye pictures, I’ll miss you.”

Really kid, REALLY?!

But it worked and the husband and I looked at each other and I knew we were thinking ” Holy hell, we are shitty parents.”

Of course, once we sat around the campfire together and made the delicious, gooey s’mores, the hummingbird quickly forgot her beloved artwork.

Since then, she has found that laying on the guilt works in her favor.

Damn it!

What have your kids done to really lay on the guilt?

Comments { 2 }

When my husband wants to drag me out into the wilderness to go camping, I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s planning to kill me and I start thinking about who I want to play us in the Lifetime movie, Camping With A Killer.

We stopped by Stephen King's house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

We stopped by Stephen King’s house in Bangor on the way to the cabin. Squee!

I would hope someone like Jennie Garth would play me but the way things are going for him, it would probably be Shia LaBeouf in a blond wig. I think Kanye West would be a fantastic choice for the role of my husband because Kanye is so damn angry all the time and you need that kind of drama in a Lifetime movie. Could you imagine?

Hey, honey, let’s roast some marshmallows and make some s’mores.

I don’t wanna make any fucking s’mores, damn it!! I’m Kanye West!!! I’m THE MOST CREATIVE person in the world.

Ummm, okay, how about if we go kayaking?

Fuck that noise, I’m Kanye. I AM THE MOST IMPACTFUL ARTIST OF OUR GENERATION.

Well, then, can you read the hummingbird a bedtime story?

No, no I can’t! I AM SHAKSPEARE IN THE FLESH! I don’t need books to read. I’m KANYE! I’m YEEZUS, BABY!

Yes, yes we need Kanye for my Lifetime movie. Talk about ratings gold.

So, anyway, my husband had his birthday recently and wanted to go camping for a few days. He saved his ass by reserving a cabin for us instead of actually sleeping in a tent.

I still got eaten alive by bugs, we didn’t have any air conditioning, and we reeked of bug spray, sunscreen, and smoke from the fire so I still considered it camping.

The second day that we were there, we hung out by the lake for most of the day. Next to us were 2 couples who had about 8 or 9 kids between them and I was in awe over how laid back they were.

We dubbed one of them “the chill couple”.

With just my 5 year-old, I admit I can be a helicopter mom so seeing the chill couple was fascinating. Nothing their kids did seemed to phase them. Chill couple gave their kids money when they asked for it, and the kids came back with a ginormous bucket of cotton candy and ring pops. Their kids asked if it was okay if they ate it now and chill couple was all suuure.

They were the kind of parents I wish I could be as far as not having anything phase me. I worry about everything when it comes to the hummingbird. I thought it would get better as she got older but I worry more now that she’s out in the real world a little more. And don’t even get me started about her beginning kindergarten in the fall and all the worry I have about that. Eeek!

Anyway, nothing ever bothered chill couple the whole afternoon, no matter if their kids whined, were fighting, or however many times they yelled out Watch! Watch this!! from the lake.

As we were driving back to our cabin that night, my husband let me in on a little secret of chill couple.

He told me they had been slamming back beers since early that morning.

AHA! The secret to chill parenting is lots and lots and lots of alcohol. Duh!

The hummindbird caught a fish.

The hummindbird caught a fish.

I actually had a really nice time once the shock of the wilderness and being eaten alive by horse flies and mosquitoes wore off. Sidenote: Moose have been in the news more frequently here as far as being involved in car accidents. They said the reason they’re more prevalent in the summer is because more cars are on the road AND the summer bugs of Maine drive moose crazy so they run out of the woods into the roads here.

So, yeah, 1,000 pound moose are driven so crazy by the damn bugs here which is why they run into the roads. Now I don’t feel so bad about bitching so much when it comes to the bug bites I get just from being outside a few minutes because even big ass moose can’t handle it.

On the way back home, it took a few hours to get back into civilization and wi-fi and we drove through a really small town that had signs on either side of the street. To the left. Vote Yes! A few feet after that: Vote no!

On the right: Vote YES! Vote no!

We had no idea what this tiny town was voting over but they had the yes and no signs on both sides of the street for at least a mile and it was like watching a tennis match.

Then the husband and I were talking about some of the things we did as kids to our parents. I forgot how that even came up but we agreed that one of the worst things we did was when we would go out shopping with our moms. Back then, they had circular clothes racks and the hubby and I were talking about what a kick we got out of hiding in the middle of the rack.

As I would hear the panic grow in my mom’s voice as she would be calling my name and looking for me, I would be in the clothes rack, giggling like crazy. The hubby also had fond memories of doing that to his mom.

We talked about some more bad behavior like that and that’s when I came to the conclusion that we were total assholes. If the hummingbird ever pulled that on me, unlike the chill couple, I would probably have a heart attack.

Once we finally got home, I actually missed our little cabin but after firing up my laptop and the television, I soon got over that. But, yes, we had fun. And I came out of it alive.

Sorry, Lifetime.

What are you doing this summer?

Comments { 8 }

Our little strawberry picker.

averystrawberry11

averys1ststrawberry11

*Soul One

Comments { 2 }

This one time… in Mexico…

Years ago, my husband and I moved to San Diego where he had been stationed by the Navy. We had to stay in a hotel for a bit before we could move into our rental house. I got a sweet surprise when my younger sister, Alotta Fagina, and a friend of her’s, “Ivy”, came to visit for a few days.

The second day they were there, the four of us thought, “Hey, let’s go to Mexico!”

Off to Tijuana we went.

We took the train down to Mexico and hopped in a cab to our first club to get our drink on.

I’m suck a lightweight and was toast after the first few drinks. I think we may have hit another bar… probably… maybe.

We somehow ended up standing outside of a strip club, having our drunk asses deciding whether or not to go in.

Why the hell not?

We were seated at a table right next to the stripper stage and order a round of drinks. Actually my husband ordered and something got lost in translation because instead of 4 beers total, we got 4 beers each.

Challenge accepted!

We had to leave in the next hour to make the last train back to San Diego but kept extending the time at the strip club. I was probably the drunkest I’ve ever been, I think we all were.

That’s why when one of the workers from the club asked us girls if we wanted to give the stripper pole a try, it sounded like a GREAT idea.

Sadly, wanting to be an aspiring stripper in Mexico was short-lived for me. I chickened out but Ivy and my sister went on with it.

Ivy’s turn came and while trying to swing around the pole, she wiped out a row of beers from the customers sitting in the front.

Spilled beer….. Nooooo!

My sister was up next and I sat there battling my older sister instincts to get her the hell off stage vs. being really drunk and having the whole thing making me laugh my ass off.

Neither Ivy nor Alotta took anything off but I’ve gotta tell you, my sister had some pro stripper moves.

Alotta was whipping around the stripper pole and was a natural. Where the hell did she learn this shit??

I can still picture her and every now and then, it randomly pops up in my head and I start laughing like an idiot.

We finally were able to get Alotta off the pole and made our way to the train back to San Diego.

While waiting, my sister and I had to pee so bad but there was nowhere to go. Since we’re such classy ladies, we found a spot by the trash cans behind a Carl’s Jr.

It would have been easy enough to pee but the world was spinning for the two of us and the four of us were in hysterics. We just couldn’t stand up straight long enough to go.

That’s when the manager of the fast food place came walking out and we ran our asses away from there, laughing all the way.

Since then, I’ve had many years of never letting my sister forget that one time in Mexico.

*Lady Marmalade

Comments { 2 }