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Ink Quills Guest Post: Brand New Old Friend

I’m Gela. It’s a nickname I’ve decided to adopt. I’m supposedly an adult who’s responsible, but I think some people would contest that. I love to travel, cook, entertain, and read. I enjoy writing fiction, poetry, and whatever pops into my head.

Dear Stranger,

We’ve never met and know nothing about each other, but I think we should be friends.

We live in a lonely world and I could use another friend. Unfortunately, I’m at the age where I don’t make friends easily anymore. Sure, I’ll be friendly, but I’m busy and you’re busy so it’s not likely that anything of substance will form.

I propose something new. Let’s cut through all the “getting to know you” crap and just be friends. Let’s get together over a cocktail and talk about the real issues. Let’s laugh, cry, and be genuine.

I promise I won’t get offended when you don’t call or text for days. I hope you won’t get offended when I forget to respond to you. I won’t feel slighted when you have other friends or even a life in general. I will be grateful for the time we have together. I will be a good friend to you.

There’s one minor issue to address first though. I can’t stand being lied to. I’m not talking about having differing opinions or that you might think I’m crazy at times. I expect those reactions from you. I’m just saying I expect you to respect me enough to not flat out lie to my face. I’ll promise the same.

Well, that’s my proposal. You interested?


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Ink Quills Guest Post: Parent Hacks

Kass is part of the Ink Quills blog we’re starting and you can also find her at Katkinslee. It’s easy to get lost in her blog because it’s such a great read..


I live in Australia with my husband, my 16 month old gremlin and my two cats.

In 2013 I set up my blog so I could review books and movies, but my weirdness took over pretty quickly so now I ramble about a whole lot of random stuff. I love all things horror and I have a brutal weakness for Pinterest.
Parent Hacks
 The husband is currently away for work so I’m riding solo with the young gremlin, and it got me thinking “How the fuck do single parents do this?!??!” I love my kid but he is driving me insane, he is driving me so crazy that I am tempted to put him in a basket and drop him off at a church or something….do people still do that??

In an attempt to look like I kind of have my shit together, I google things that I can do with the gremlin to stop him from making that horrible whinging sound but it always back fires because Pinterest loves to pop up and remind me just how shit of a parent I am.

So I have compiled some of my own parenting hacks, for those parents who are just trying to make it through the day without slamming their heads into the wall repeatedly.

Hack one: If you’re one of those crazy parents that doesn’t want their kids to watch too much TV, then music is the thing for you! Most kids love music but if they continue to be little assholes, then you just turn the volume up! Hey presto! no more whining!

Hack two: Does your kid want your attention all the time??! All you have to do is lay on the floor and play dead, seriously. Your kid might climb on you and throw toys at you, but if it stops those horrible screeching sounds then who the hell cares!!

Hack three: Kids will steal everything from you, your energy, your will to live, but most importantly, your food. If you can’t manage to sneak into the kitchen to quickly stuff some chips in your mouth then you can just steal the kids food instead! The gremlin has some great snacks and his chocolate custards are the bomb, so I just bring out more than he will eat and then I finish it off for him, and I don’t even have to feel bad for it because I’m just preventing wastage.

The most important hack is biscuits…..yes biscuits…..they can be healthy biscuits if you like but honestly I don’t even worry about the gremlins sugar intake because he works it all off by throwing tantrums so it’s all good. When your kid starts throwing down, you start throwing biscuits. Easy fix.

There you have it….yup……you’re welcome.

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Guest Post: A New Character Develops

Carrie and I worked on my first children’s book, Dream Of All The Stars Above, and now we’re working on our second book together. She’s a fabulous illustrator and you can find Carrie on her site here.



I am so excited to announce the beginnings of a new book I have been commissioned to illustrate. While I can’t give many secrets away, I do want to share my excitement. The illustrations will go along side a wonderful “easy reader” story that will apply to young readers and parents of all ages.

In the past, my illustrations have been of a distinct style. I have a realistic feel to my art that is very far from cartooning. But when researching a vibe for the main character of this story, my traditional style of art would just not work with this story. What first came to mind when reading the story was the No David books and Alice the Fairy. Oh how I love the art in these books. Also Fancy Nancy and Pinkalicious came to mind. Books with lots of color and spunky personality. So onto my sketch book I go. Above you will see my initial character development sketches. The final look and feel of the main character is actually a combination of all 3 of these fairies, with a some detailed changes. But stay tuned for the reveal of her. She is coming to life by my paint brush and paper as we speak…..

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Guest Post: Breaking Dawn

This guest post comes from Scott Williams. He’s a writer who was first published in his 4th grade school newspaper. He was later published in a book of poetry that was most likely a scam, but he was published none the less. Choosing to see this as a symbol of honor, he never gave up writing.

When he found out he was going to be a dad for the first time, Scott decided to start this new adventure in a way he had never attempted. He started his own blog. And thus Raising Hubigail was born.


This happened. Click for previous part.

I honestly don’t know why I called this Breaking Dawn. Maybe my subconscious was trying to find a correlation between my frustration, angst, and pointless drama, and an equally pointless source of drama, angst, and frustration. That’s right. I just slammed the Twilight saga.

Oh, I was going to tell you the most frustrating thing my wife does. It isn’t just one thing. It is the combination of several things at any given time.

After all the human father guy has been through just in the beginning, there is a myriad of obstacles he has yet to even realize. And, they only get worse as time goes on. Lets explore a few of them, shall we? Keep in mind that many if not all of these examples are the direct result of the changes a woman goes through during the “miracle” of child birth.

We, as men, acknowledge this fact and do not blame the woman. That only makes it ten times more frustrating.

Pregnancy Brain Fog!


I feel I should explain what I believe is the source of all of this. Here we were enjoying life. My wife and I are very much the same. We don’t enjoy shopping. Each trip is usually “an in and out as quick as we can” sort of adventure (unless it is a Walmart date). We think the same and feel the same about almost everything. Drama is the worst thing ever invented. Stupid people annoy us. Inconsiderate people annoy us even more. Unfortunately, there are so much of all of this taking over the world. Because of this, we like to stay home and enjoy each others company rather than venture out and come back irritated and frustrated.

Since my wife got pregnant, life has changed dramatically (the worst way for anything to change ever invented). Whether it be the grocery store, school, the doctor’s office, or all the other things that seem to pop up, we always need to be going somewhere. Thus, our exposure to the previously mentioned unsavory people is greatly increased.

Additionally, my wife’s pregnancy brain fog has taken a hold of her. But it comes and goes. It is very similar to watching a person in the early stages of dementia. Trust me, I have some experience with that. They have their own sort of logic and you never quite know where their mind is. Sometimes they seem completely functional and able to do everything. But, since you have been paying attention all this time, you know that this could be a trick as dementia patience are prone to hide their condition.

You have to be ready at any time to correct or complete a story. You also need to be able to add details to what they are saying as they tend to forget that the first part of the conversation was in their head or that the other person is unaware of facts they have no reason to be aware of. This is very draining.

Occasionally, they have a moment of clarity and realize exactly what is going on. This is both good and bad. It is good because I have these occasional wonderful moments with the woman I married. Bad because it makes all the other times that much worse. Unlike dementia, this pregnancy brain fog is contagious. So, now we have two mindless people on alternating schedules of clarity.

Sort of the blind leading the blind scenario. On the rare occasion that we are both clear at the same time, 99.9% of that time it is ruined by having to go somewhere and deal with people we don’t care to (see above section about stupid and inconsiderate people) rather than enjoy our time together. This is the reason that I am always running 4 levels above the normal “frustration zone”. I just want my wife back.

Walking or the inability to do so.

pregnant-on-beachYou may be thinking this is just a still shot. You would be wrong. This is a full speed video of a pregnant woman walking. I don’t know how many times my wife and I have been walking somewhere and all of a sudden she was gone. I looked back and there she was standing in the middle of the road or in any other worst possible place to stop, rubbing her belly.

Never did she utter a single word or signal to me that she was no longer by my side. Really, it was a surprise every time. She now just grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop with her. Still in the middle of the street or at the edge of a cliff that is quickly eroding. She pauses to let a contraction pass or catch her breath while I stare into the eyes of our impending death.

What’s worse is that any time we go anywhere it takes forever to do anything. Everything is sssslllloooowwww mmmmoooottttiiiioooonnnn. Walking through Walmart is equally as frustrating as getting stuck behind a car going 25 mph on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pass. You are not in a hurry. You are not going to be late for anything. No big deal. You can wait.

But, what if you drove this road every day? What if every day you get stuck behind this car? What if every day there is a line of cars building up behind you and you know they think you are the one who is driving slow even though you have veered off to the right side several times to let them see that there is a car in front of you?

And, what if said line of cars has had enough and they drive as close to you as they can without actually touching your bumper while honking and alternating between flipping the bird and loading their firearm? Multiply that feeling by ten. Oh the humanity.

*Read the full post here.

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Guest Post: How A Mom Enjoys Her Coffee In 97 Steps

I gave Rachael from Three Boys And A Mom some blog love last week and linked a particular post as well. I love it so much and asked her if I can feature it as a guest post, especially for those who may have missed it. If I could, I would make this post my sister-wife. It’s hysterical and so relatable.

Rachael is a 29 year-old mom of 3 boys; identical twin 2 year-old’s and a 10 month old. She has a master’s degree in social work but is currently home with her boys. She loves and writes about all things motherhood, as well as the struggles and pains of divorce. Rachael hopes to write a book or two in the near future but until then you can follow her on her blog.

You can also find her here:

Twitter: Check out Three Boys and a Mom (@rachaelplus3):
Google+: profile:


I’ve never been a, “I have to have my coffee or I can’t function” type person. Thank God. I do enjoy coffee though, and have learned it certainly helps as a sleep deprived mom of 3. It’s a rare day I get to actually drink the coffee though, and I usually have about 4 half empty, or half full if you want to be an optimist, cups of coffee spread throughout the house.

Here’s how drinking coffee typically goes in this house. (Mind you, MANY steps of the day are missing. This is just a generalized run down of the coffee drinking process.)

1. Wake up to a crying baby confused and disoriented because, didn’t you just lay that little booger down 5 minutes ago!?

2. Wipe the sleep from your eyes, grab him and try nursing him back to sleep.

3. After 35 minutes of half sleep with a person attached to you, wake up abruptly to a chomp on your nipple. Ouch!

4. Try wrestling him back to sleep. This goes on for at least 30 minutes.

5. Give up.

6. Try to shake off your exhaustion and compose yourself before going down the stairs lest you fall and kill yourself and your precious peanut.

7. Put him somewhere safe like an exersaucer and find the coffee.

8. Pour it.

9. Heat it up because it’s left over from yesterday’s pot of coffee.

10. Take a sip standing in the kitchen and try to muster up some energy for the day, thankful at least for now only 1 of the 3 are awake.

11. Take another sip…

12. What’s that noise!?

13. Oh it’s the twins jumping up and down in their bed yelling, “Mooooooommmmm!”

14. Go get the twins.

15. Do the assembly of diapers, milks, breakfast, and morning cartoon choices…try to choose something that stimulates their brain and is educational, while also not driving you insane.

16. Where’s the coffee?

17. Once everyone is settled for a few minutes, sip your coffee.

18. It’s cold.

19. Heat it up again.

20. Take another sip.

21. Someone pooped. Change the diaper.

22. Take another sip…it’s lukewarm but you’ll take it.

23. Now you have to pee… go to the bathroom, with the door opened of course, and at least 2 people watching saying, “MOM! What are you doing!!?? I need some more milky! What are you doing in there!!?”

24. Answer the questions with as much of a smile as you can find.

25. Heat the coffee up again.

26. Tend to the children. Clean up some spills, trip over a toy, take a deep breath.

27. Breastfeed the little guy.

28. Where did your coffee go!?

29. It’s still in the microwave. Heat it up a few more seconds because it got cold again sitting there.

30. Enjoy a sip.

31. Fish this out of your 10 month old’s mouth.


32. Smell it, scared, anticipating if it’s poop or dirt. You can’t tell.

33. Wash it down the sink and wipe off your child.

34. Now it’s play time. Go enjoy some dedicated time with your boys.

35. Forget about the coffee for a few hours. It’s probably unsafe and radioactive by now anyway.

36. Start to feel tired and remember, “Oh, I have coffee!!”

37. Heat it up and drink a sip.

38. Everyone needs something.

39. Tend to all the needs with a 21 pounder dangling from your boob.

40. Give hugs, kisses and snuggles. Or time outs, whatever the case may be that 5 minutes.

41. Nap time! Hallelujah!

42. Get the twins down and pray fervently the little one will do the same.

43. A miracle has occurred and they’re all 3 asleep.

44. Sneak away quietly, holding your breath so no one smells you’re trying to get a 5 minute break and wakes up.

45. Heat the coffee and take a breath.

46. Take a few sips.

47. What’s that noise!? Oh the baby is awake! Of course, because he doesn’t believe in sleep.

48. Go get him.

49. Forget about the coffee and try to accomplish something while you only a have 1/3 of the chaos to tend to.

50. Clean, write, eat, study, etc as much as possible in between breastfeeding and entertaining a 10 month old.

51. Sit down for a few minutes and remember you still have coffee.

52. Heat it up.

53. Take a sip.

54. What’s that noise!?

55. The twins are awake! Go get them.

56. Do the diaper assembly (or going to the potty since you’re half potty training these big boys), get milks, tend to demands, etc.

57. Playtime.

58. Go outside, go for a walk, find something fun and entertaining, as well as educational, to feel like a good mom.

59. Check pinterest for ideas if necessary.

60. Love on your boys. Enjoy the moment.

61. Break up a fight, kiss a boo boo, do a timeout.

62. Inside for dinner.

63. Make dinner for everyone after tending to ALL the needs.

64. Ask children to come sit at the table and eat.

65. Endure the time it takes to get everyone’s listening ears on and working.

66. Breathe.

67. Bribe them with something that motivates them to eat their dinner.

68. Give lots of encouragement and praise as they make it through their meal one painstakingly slow bite at a time.

69. Clean up a spill, or five.

70. Fish the baby out of the dog bowl.

71. Clean him up.

72. Change diapers again and get more milk.

73. Follow through with whatever the bribe was to get everyone to eat.

74. Play some more.

75. Bath time. (Too many details to add them all in here…that’s a whole other post entirely.)

76. Get everyone out of the bathtub, brush teeth, diaper and dress every one. (Also another post entirely.)

77. Clean up toys and encourage boys to help you. Take some breaths after your toddler throws the toys and screams “no” at your face.

78. Do a timeout.

79. Finish cleaning and praise them for listening and cleaning so well.

80. Gather every one up for their bedtime story.

81. Slow down. Breathe. Read the story and enjoy the final moments of the day, excited it’s about to end.

82. Feel guilty for being excited.

83. Say prayers.

84. Give lots of hugs, kisses and snuggles.

85. Tuck every one in, dodge the the final requests and stall tactics, close the door.

86. 2 of 3 down.

87. Nurse the other one, praying he will drift to sleep soon.

88. Eventually he does. Sweet victory!

89. Lay him down ever so gently…

90. He pops back up. Nurse him again and start over.

91. He’s finally down.

92. Take a breath.

93. You made it!

94. Everyone survived another day.

95. Remember you never finished your coffee. (Yesterday’s or today’s.)


96. Realize it’s midnight and who drinks coffee at midnight!?

97. Try again tomorrow!

So, there you have it. 97 simple steps to drinking coffee as a mom!

Do you ever get to actually enjoy your coffee hot? Do you give up and make it an ice coffee? Do you give up altogether?

Let’s get a cup of coffee and talk about it! 🙂

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Guest Post: This Is Motherhood


This guest post comes from the fabulous Toni who you can find at Toni Hammer and she’s also a contributor at What The Flicka? Make sure to check out What I Say Vs. What My Kids Hear, 10 Ways To Annoy A New Mom, and What Toddlers Think Before Falling Asleep.


Motherhood is changing your clothes seven times a day because your newborn won the silver medal in spitting up.

Motherhood is changing your clothes four times a day because your outfit is considered a giant kleenex.

Motherhood is throwing caution to the wind and just heading out into the world with stained clothes.

Motherhood is your coffee being spilled onto the carpet every day for a week until you rein in your mommy brain and remember to keep it out of reach of Tommy Touch Everything.

Motherhood is waking up at 1am (and 2 and 3 and 4) to hold and rock and cuddle a sick or teething baby.

Motherhood is waking up at 1am (or 2 or 3 or 4) to convince your toddler that it’s not time to be awake yet.

Motherhood is stepping on Cheerios a week after the box was empty and you’ve vacuumed roughly 72 times.

Motherhood is discovering cream cheese fingerprints on the top shelf of the DVD rack without any idea where they came from.

Motherhood is poop 24/7.

Motherhood is lying awake at night worrying your children won’t have anyone to eat lunch with at school… when they’re barely toddler age.

Motherhood is considering two showers a week a huge victory.

Motherhood is regretting teaching your daughter to call her pacifier a “suck” because she’s way too good at the “uck” sound.

Motherhood is screaming right along with your kids when you’re all having a bad day.

Motherhood is applauding your son when he takes his first steps.

Motherhood is realizing your world is over now that your son has taken his first steps.

Motherhood is stopping in the middle of a crosswalk to retrieve the doll your kid chucked out of the stroller.

Motherhood is giving your son a cookie at 10am because it’s adorable when he says “peeeease.”

Motherhood is eating your kid’s leftovers and calling it dinner.

Motherhood is dozing off on the couch and waking up to a toddler finger up your nose.

Motherhood is going to Target by yourself and feeling like you’re on a week long vacation.

Motherhood is misty eyes when your child says “love you, Mom” for the first time.

Motherhood is bawling your eyes out because this job is hard.

Motherhood is bawling your eyes out because this job is the best.


Toni Hammer never planned on having kids, but she’s now a stay-at-home mom to Lily and Levi born 355 days apart. She chronicles her mommy misadventures at, on Twitter and her Facebook page because she’s a social media addict. She contrinutes to Scary Mommy and What the Flicka and when her children are finally asleep, she works on her first book “Is It Bedtime Yet? Stories from a Mom Who Never Wanted the Job,praying a publisher will, ya know, buy it. She loves food she doesn’t have to cook or clean up and believes her out of control coffee consumption should be studied by science.

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Guest Post: I’ve Got Skills

This guest post comes from Mack who blogs at Is There Cheese In It? Also check out these posts; Wanted: Mom Friends Who Don’t Suck, As If Feeding The Kids Wasn’t Hard Enough, and I Wear “The Pants”, But Everyone In My Family Wears Pants… Sometimes. You can also find her on Twitter @cheeseinit.



New skills honed by motherhood:

* cooking meals with one arm, and one or more large, loud, hungry koala bears latched to my person

* driving with one arm in the back seat of my car (they think texting and driving is dangerous – they should outlaw driving with toddlers in the car)

* yeah, actually, just doing anything and everything with one arm, while lugging 25-50lb weights (i’m considering a second career in body building

* turning any meal into a smorgasbord of 1/4 inch toddler snacks

* peeing, pooping and showering with an audience

* defining “shower” as the cleansing of my face and armpits

* wearing maternity jeans well after the baby vacated the premises

* making shit up ALL the time on the fly, in response to the constant barrage of complex questioning (if you drink bath water, bugs will grow in your belly; if you stick your arm out the car window, a bee might fly into your palm and become embedded; if you are mean to your little sister, santa will not bring you presents; you have to brush your teeth two times a day, or else they will turn green and rot out of your mouth and no one will want to be your friend; yes, i just went pee in the toilet and that is why i am stuffing my face with M&Ms; when you grow up, you can __________ [chew gum/drink soda/drive/wipe your own ass/be the boss/ride a motorcycle, etc.])

* public displays of affection

* acting like it’s totally normal to go an entire day with someone else’s bodily fluids on my clothes

* plane travel while wrestling an angry octopus (don’t try this at home)

* changing the diaper of a moving target

* bathing two soapy, slippery little suckers simultaneously, rarely dropping either one

* carrying on telephone conversations with screaming hyenas in the background, and/or when said hyenas are trying to divest me of my communication device

* surviving sustained sleep deprivation and still appearing (to most) as a functioning adult human

* letting go of my OCD (a little) and learning to be okay with persistent, low-level filth

* embracing chaos (it’s a reluctant embrace, like when you’re cornered at a family reunion by your creepy uncle wally, who’s not actually your uncle (i don’t think), and who thinks you are your mother (who passed away over a decade ago) but hey, baby steps)

* being okay with not knowing everything, and being wrong (every once in a while ;))

* being a lot less judgy and a lot more understanding

* mastery of the 15 minute target shopping trip

* tempering my gag reflex

* whispering in a menacing manner and its corollary, Mom Voice

* i am really, REALLY good at counting to three

* bat ears/supersonic hearing

* reading books upside-down, otherwise they “CAN’T SEEEEEE IIIIIIIT!!!”

* amateur pediatrics and child psychology degrees at University of Google

* stealth, speedy ninja sex

* purchasing supremely embarrassing items from the drug store with a straight face (Gas X, Korbel, condoms, super-duper tampons and a jumbo-pack of pregnancy tests (either way i’m gonna need at least three out of five!))


Things that i am completely incapable of doing since i became a mom:

* holding an adult conversation when there are children in the vicinity

* remembering that thing i was just thinking about/looking for

* leaving the house with less than 37 pounds of baggage (and that’s not even counting my kids)

* arriving anywhere on time

* driving past a firetruck, ambulance, garbage truck or any manner of construction vehicle without getting really excited by proxy and pointing and exclaiming “LOOK!”

* basic math

* keeping the house, car and dog clean

* putting laundry away where it belongs

* maintaining normal adult human obligations such as regular medical check ups and dental care

* shaving (both, entire legs) on a regular basis … bikini… fuhgeddaboudit…

* finishing a thought or a sentence

* staying up late

* “partying”

* sleeping through the night

* giving a shit what other people think/say about my parenting and lifestyle

* giving a shit about other peoples’ parenting and lifestyles

* foreplay

* achieving my pre-baby weight

* wearing uncomfortable/matching underwear

* sneezing or laughing really hard without peeing a little bit

* remembering what my life was like “before” (what on earth did we DO with all that free time?!?)

* relaxing

* feeling shame


Things i pretend i don’t know how to do anymore when my husband is around (shhhh, don’t tell my women’s studies professors ;))

* use any and all household electronics, including remote controls and the DVR

* open a wine bottle

* reach things from tall shelves

* mix a pitcher of crystal light

* go grocery shopping (except and target, those i can handle)

* pick up dog poop

* take out the garbage

* blowjobs (i mysteriously manage to refresh my recollection at opportune times, e.g., in cases of emergency and/or as a bribery negotiating tactic ;))

Things my husband pretends he doesn’t know how to do anymore when i’m around: 

* pee IN the toilet

* hold in gas

* surreptitiously rearrange his junk

* basic table manners

* romance, including those long lost sweet serenades on his gee-tar

* hear certain frequencies of baby tears between the hours of 2 and 6am

What skills have YOU learned/lost?

*No Doubt

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