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Total Recall: When it comes to transitioning your child from a crib to a big bed, there are 2 perfect words to describe the experience. Oh and f*ck!

Published June 14, 2012

We really dragged our feet when it came to the hummingbird getting her big girl bed. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be but it also wasn’t a great transition.

Giving the then 2 year-old little hummingbird free reign to her room was terrifying to me. We took out most of her toys and even found latches so she couldn’t get into her sliding door closet.

Other than that, we just hoped she would sleep. It was a good few weeks when she really got the hang of it and would actually stay in bed on some nights.

Here are a few parenting essentials you’ll need when you’re outside your child’s door while they scream mmmoooooooooommmmmmmmyyyyyyy.

I may or may not have used some or all of these things. Ahem.

Nyquil is the midnight snack for moms the world over. During this transition, pre-order a case. While you’re telling your child over and over and over again to get back in bed, make it a drinking game. Every time you say GET. BACK. IN. BED. RIGHT. NOW., take a shot. You’ll be passed out in no time and won’t care that your kid won’t stay in bed. Problem solved!

Baby jail, or a security gate so they can’t get out of their room and cause havoc all over while you and the hubby are sleeping soundly.

An iPod is a must. Instead of hearing your child scream bloody murder, you can hear Trent Reznor do the same to music.

Calling your mom. There will probably be a time during this (and every other stage of childhood) when you will call your mom and tell her you’re child is broken and you want a new one. Okay I never said that (or maybe I did) but I have said countless times “this can’t be normal, can it?”.

A big, Costco size bottle of Xanax for obvious reasons.

There you go, you’re all set. Now, get that Nyquil bottle into position!

How did your child respond to the transition of a big bed? Was there lots of drinking? 

Comments { 3 }

My husband hates me.

caillou

Over the holidays, I was looking throughout our DVR list and noticed that my husband had recorded Caillou’s Holiday Movie. My first thought was “are you fucking kidding me??” because the hummingbird has been losing interest in that little shit, Caillou, for a while and is obsessed with Peppa Pig.

I can’t stand that whiny little fuck as evidenced in I’m just a kid who’s 4. Each day I whine some more. I torture parents. I’m Caillou., and Bill the squirrel vs. Caillou.

I deleted the movie and my butthead hubby recorded it again. I begged and pleaded my case, ahem… even with a promise of a bj, but nothing worked.

During one day on the holiday break, I was going nuts with Peppa Pig and had a temporary case of insanity when I asked the little hummingbird if she would like to see Caillou.

“No, mommy. I don’t like Caillou.”

MUSIC TO MY FUCKING EARS!!! WOO HOO!!!

A few days later, I walked downstairs one morning to find the hubby and hummingbird cuddled up on the couch… awww… watching that freaking Caillou Holiday Movie… nooooo.

Since then, that damn movie has been watched countless times in the past 2 weeks.

Oh lawdy, help me!!

My 4 year-old’s love of Caillou has returned.

Oh lawdy, help me!!

The husband is going back to work next week, which is a good thing because we’ve been driving each other kinda crazy these past few days.

I’ve already told the hubby that I plan on not ever letting the baby bird know of that little whiny shit, Caillou.

When work starts back for him and preschool is back in session, I predict that the DVR is going to “accidentally” erase that damn Caillou movie, never to be seen again… until next year when my hubby will likely record it.

Butthead.

Which children’s shows drive you out of your mind?

*Far Behind

Comments { 10 }

In-Law Apocalypse

Lock the doors!

Board the windows!

Run for cover!

Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!

It’s the In-Law Apocalypse!!!!

My FIL kept on telling us about his Medicare policy and then seemed to forget he told us because he would then tell us all over again. Also his laugh, oh dear god, he laughs like Marty McFly’s dad, George, from Back To The Future. The in-laws are devoid of humor but anything my husband says makes them go into hysterics. I really don’t get it.

My MIL was her usual bitchy self and mostly I would give a long fuckyoubitchthisisnotyourhousesofuckoff sigh with whatever bitchy thing she said.

I found the best way to deal with them was by directing my attention somewhere else.

So, every time my father-in-law would try to give me one of his long ass lectures about who the hell cares what, I would either pretend I wasn’t hearing him and then walk off or say “oh, that’s nice” and tell my husband something so it would zip up the guy.

What I just don’t fucking get with the in-laws is that they’ve already invited themselves for their next visit.

Ummm, NO!

They want to be here for weeks with the baby bird.

That’s something I was talking to my therapist about, a wonderful woman, and she has me learning about “mindfulness“.

She told me there’s absolutely no reason I should feel guilty about letting the in-laws know that they don’t need to be here for weeks and that I need to think about what’s best for me… without feeling like such a bitch.

Yes!

This is what I’ve needed to hear for years. I always think I’m depriving my husband of time with his parents and then I feel a lot of guilt but like Dr. Mindful says, I need to put our best interests first and not be run by the in-laws.

Every time the in-laws visit, it puts me under incredible stress, ha… like you couldn’t tell… and I really don’t want them here right after the baby bird is born. I really want to have the 4 of us to get in the groove first and bond, not have the in-laws here from the get go. They will be so much more of a hinderance to us than a help anyway.

Sure, I can deal with them being here (okay, not really) for a few days (nope), but fuck me backwards, not for weeks. I’m still baffled by how freaking oblivious my in-laws are when it comes to… everything! Personal space, boundaries, being assholes, you get my point.

So, thanks to Dr. Mindful, I’m starting to figure out how to say no, especially to the visits with the lecture man and the bitchy mcbitchster.

*Bathwater

Comments { 0 }

Things that go boom, bang, crunch.

I had two things going for me. I’ve never been in a car accident and never had a cavity in my life. While I wish the latter happened today, I got in a car accident. Thankfully, no other cars were involved but it scared the fuck out of me. We had our first big snow here in Maine, well it may not have been that big to Mainers, and the roads were icy and hadn’t been cleared yet.

I went to pick up the hummingbird at preschool an hour and a half early, thinking I could beat the bad weather. When we were coming back home, I was exciting the freeway and started sliding. It all happened so fast but I’m pretty sure I overcorrected and then went slamming into a metal barrier to my right. I wasn’t going very fast but heard a loud crunch.

The hummingbird was in hysterics, which was the worst part for me, and I dreaded looking at the car to see the damage. While there was a cracked headlight, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. Yay fo Subaru’s.

Oy, I feel like such a dumbs and think I have 2 1/2 more years of snow, icy roads, and driving here and I’m terrified of getting back behind the wheel. I NEVER liked driving as it is but now I’m even more nervous.

After we got home, I let the hummingbird have some chocolate and pretty soon she was totally fine from it. I so wish I could’ve had a big shot of vodka and a xanax with a chocolate chaser. But I could only have the chocolate. Booo! lol

Driving home after the accident was even more of a nightmare and I think I only went about 10 miles an hour and had a line of cars behind me but oh well. I know having to drive again, in fact very soon is inevitable but I told my husband last night that I’d much rather have my transportation be a horse for the rest of the time we’re here in Maine.

He wasn’t privy to the idea so I’m getting new snow tires instead.

I’d still rather have the horse.

*Hey Baby

Comments { 8 }

A week? The in-laws will be here a whole f*cking week?!

My in-laws were supposed to come visit us in Maine this month but now that’s changed. Instead, they’ll be coming here for Thanksgiving… for a whole fucking week. OH DEAR GOD NOOOO!

I guess one thing I’ll have on my side is crazy pregnancy hormones. But still….

OH DEAR GOD NOOO!

What’s even worse is since I’m knocked up, there’s no xanax or vodka to get me through this visit.

OH DEAR GOD NOOO!

I can barely handle having them visit us for 2-3 days and that’s even when they stay at a hotel. This time they’ll be at our house the whole damn time.

Since the filter between my brain and mouth lessens when I’m pregnant, I say I should embrace the fuck out of that and if needed, say whatever the hell I want when they’re annoying the shit out of me.

My MIL has a stick permanently stuck in her ass and it only became worse after I had the little hummingbird. Who knows how much worse it will be now that I have another baby bird baking in the oven.

Believe it or not, I’ve shown as much respect to her as I could for years and years. I always say as little as possible when they’ve visited over the years. I’m not the sassy smart ass that I may come off ass in real like. Okay, I am, but I have to warm up to people before I show that side.

With the in-laws though, I learned early on from my husband that the less you say to them, the better.

But my MIL doesn’t let me off that easy. She knows how to make innocent chit chat and then when I start letting my guard down, her claws come out like Wolverine. Better yet, Freddy Kreuger.

Fuuuuuck.

Vodka, how you will be missed.

*Maps

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Edward Lobstah Hands

Yesterday, my husband said he needed help with dinner. Of course I rushed down right away… after I took a shower and read some emails. Because I’m helpful like that. Ha!

I went downstairs into the kitchen and the first thing my husband said was to look into a boiling pot that was on the stove.

Ummmm…. Uhhh….

If it’s a boiled bunny in there, I’ll be wicked pissed, yo!

I had absolutely NO IDEA what to expect. None… nada, no clue.

I slowly opened up the lid. That’s when I saw an antennae… IN. THE. POT. It said, hey you, I’m coming to getcha!

Probably.

lobster-11

I screamed like mad and ran the hell out of there. The hubby was loving it. Butthead.

When he took them out of the pot and let them cool down, he took the heads of the lobstahs and did some lobstah commentary.

“Hello, there. I’m delicious and I’m gonna get you!”

Butthead.

When he took the meat out that’s what she said, he strategically placed the lobstahs into the trash so the antennae would stick out… yeah, just to fuck with me.

Well played, my man, well played.

The lobstah was amazing and since I’m a food moaner, I pulled a When Harry Met Sally, that I’m sure the whole neighborhood could hear.

lobster-22

My husband considers this our induction to being true New Englanders.

Also, that damn lobstah is still in the trash can with its antennae sticking out.

Butthead.

lobster-hands11

* I let the hummingbird pick the song.

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The in-laws will be here in October. Who has a safe house I can stay at?

fuck this shit1

I found out the other night that I get another special visit from my-laws. HOLD ME!

My MIL is the supreme queen bitch. Always giving me shit for my parenting skills and she seems stuck in the 1950′s because she also gives me shit about the kind of wife I am.

She’s never thought I’ve been good enough and she never will so fuck it, right? Still, she stresses me out like crazy when she visits and I’ll eventually go hide in a room upstairs while they’re here because she just loves throwing shit my way.

Last night the hummingbird heard a few kids across the street from us playing outside. She asked if she could go over to play with them. My husband told her that it’s not polite but rude to go over to someone else’s house unless they invite you first.

Later, my bitch came out and I asked my hubby “So, if your parents invited themselves to visit in October, does that mean your parents are rude?” Yes, I have bitch moments and I’m also pmsing like a mofo.

But I also thought it was interesting that my hubby explained to our daughter what it means to be polite and his parent are ALWAYS inviting themselves to visit and are pretty damn pushy in the process.

Of course I get that they’re his parents and he’s going to defend them but I thought his response to my question was classic.

My husband said “No, they didn’t invite themselves. They just invited us to entertain the idea of them visiting in October”. He was being serious.

Hahahahahahaha!

Okay, then.

What makes this upcoming visit with them even worse is that our new house is big enough for them to stay with us. Usually I insist to my husband that they stay in a hotel but there aren’t any close enough to our house. Noooooo!

I’m not sure how long they’ll be staying yet but whether it’s 2 days or a week, my monthly Xanax supply will be taking a big hit.

*Four Kicks

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