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My kid has learned to lay on the guilt. F***ck.

Not to offend or be politically incorrect (Actually I hate being politically correct, it’s called humor people!!! Get a fucking grip.), blah, blah blah… but I feel like I’m living with a tiny Jewish mother when it comes to my 5 year-old daughter.

Not that I have a Jewish mother and I don’t mean to stereotype, but as long as I’ve been on this earth, there have been countless times that I’ve heard that Jewish mothers have taken guilt to an art form.

Anyway…

What really stood out for me was when we had our camping trip a few weeks ago and the little hummingbird really layed the guilt on us. I felt like shit but at the same time, it was fucking hilarious to me. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there.

My husband was making a fire so we could roast some marshmallows for s’mores and to start the fire, he dug around in the backseat of the car for some paper. It was paper with drawings and such that the bird made at preschool.

Drawings that she forgot about that had been in the back of my car for months. Yes, I really need to clean my car. Desperately.

My daughter normally didn’t give a shit about these pictures and drawings but immediately grew an attachment to them when my husband picked them out to use for the fire. I get it, really I do, since I do the same but what followed almost made me pee myself.

As her sudden attachment to her pictures were burning in the fire, she layed on the guilt big time.

I’ll never forget it.

As she watched them burn, she stood by the fire with the most pitiful look on her face and said “Bye pictures, I’ll miss you.”

Really kid, REALLY?!

But it worked and the husband and I looked at each other and I knew we were thinking ” Holy hell, we are shitty parents.”

Of course, once we sat around the campfire together and made the delicious, gooey s’mores, the hummingbird quickly forgot her beloved artwork.

Since then, she has found that laying on the guilt works in her favor.

Damn it!

 What have your kids done to really lay on the guilt?

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The type A mom at gymnastics makes me want to hide in the corner, rock back and forth, and cover my ears as I yell La La La.

The little hummingbird started gymnastics a few months ago ago and during her very first class, there was a mom there that I found mildly annoying.

The classes are held in a small gym and there’s a waiting area with a few row of seats for the parents, and a step that goes up into the gymnastics area.

Type A mom sits front and center to watch her girls in the class and has a 2 year-old that she brings with her to the hour-long class that she for some reason expects to sit quietly during the entire time. I can barely sit still and be quiet the whole hour so her 2 year-old does a better job than I do.

For the first several classes, I tried to give Type A mom the benefit of the doubt and figured she was having an off day. But after spending about a dozen hours with her, I’ve found that she’s not so much a Type A mom as she is Kate Gosselin 2.0.

There are 2 young instructors teaching the gymnastics class along with the owner who I’ll call Chanandler Bong.

Despite the kids in the class being given instruction, Katie G just does not shut the fuck up. Ever. During the second class, she was riding her oldest daughter really hard. Her kid was on the parallel bars and Kate was yelling at her to keep her legs straight and DO BETTER!

At the end of the class, I come to find out that’s not even her kid. Oh, really Kate Gosselin 2.0. Really?

The hour-long class with her bullshit is mentally exhausting. She’s always yelling at her kids, including her 2 year-old, by their first and middle name and she even threatens to make them sit in the car.

It goes something like this…

Rachel! RACHEL GREEN! Sit down and watch your sisters! DO NOT get out of this chair again!

Phoebe! Phoebe! PHOEBE BUFFAY!! KEEP THOSE LEGS STRAIGHT! Phoebe?! Listen to me! If you don’t listen, I’m putting you IN THE CAR!

Rachel! RACHEL! Get off the step and SIT DOWN. Rachel, OFF THE STEP. Mr. Chanandler Bong doesn’t want you on the step. I will put you in the car until the class is over!

<Phoebe runs up and asks for some water> NO, you can’t have any. You need to practice your flips — AND KEEP THOSE LEGS STRAIGHT!

MONICA GELLER! Do that round off again! I want to see you DO BETTER! Monica! Monica! DO BETTER! KEEP THOSE LEGS STRAIGHT!

PHOEBE! YOU WILL GO SIT IN THE CAR THIS MINUTE IF YOU DON’T START LISTENING TO MR. CHANANDLER BONG!

This plays out for most of the class.

I roll my eyes so much, I may need to start taking motion sickness pills before each class.

I usually sit there, looking at her like I would Bigfoot –with What The Fuck curiosity and wishing I had a tranquilizer gun.

By the end of the class, she’s hemming and hawing about how difficult her kids are and how tiring this class is for her. Really, Kate, REALLY??!

I know from the rumblings in the class that other parents are also appalled by her behavior but I don’t think anyone really knows what to do about it.

Many times, I’ve been tempted to walk up to her and say “Excuse me, YOU go sit IN THE CAR!” Oh, how I wish I had the balls to do that.

Previously, I couldn’t understand when I would hear in the news about parents that get into shouting matches or even fist fights while at their kids extra-curricular activities but seeing the way Katie G is, now it makes a little more sense. If there were 2 of her in this class, I’m sure fists would fly from the competitiveness of the parents, not the kids.

On the up side, the little hummingbird is so fearless and rocks the class. She has such a natural athletic ability. I have a feeling this won’t be the last time I come across a parent like Katie G since the bird is looking forward to participating in other programs, like soccer.

Thankfully, this gymnastics class is almost over and I guarantee when I enroll the hummingbird in the next session, I will triple check to make sure that we don’t get in the same class that Kate “KEEP YOUR LEGS STRAIGHT AND DO BETTER!” Gosselin 2.0 will be in.

Have you ever spoken up to a parent over their behavior?

*Björk

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The promiscuous parakeet and the nympho cat.

When my husband and I first got married, we lived in an apartment that only allowed pets like fish or birds. I don’t know why but we decided to get a parakeet. I’ve never really cared for birds — with their chirping and squawking and their flappy wings flap flap flapping around.

The first parakeet we got was Alfalfa and he was this pretty blue bird. We said we would just have one bird so of course less than a week later, I wanted another one. My husband and I had been in a pet shop and spotted this gorgeous lavendar and white parakeet. That bird’s name was Raptor.

So, Alfalfa and Raptor took over our house pretty quick and the would love to fly into our living room and sit on top of the window curtains while pooping all over.

Yeah, I was not thrilled and found that a bird as a pet was not for me. While we were finding them a new home, we found that Raptor was quite the slut.

One night, Raptor was perched on my husband’s finger and stared rubbing up against his thumb.

We thought “Awwww, how cute. The bird’s being so affectionate”.

Raptor kept on rubbing against his thumb and started making this weird chirping.

We looked at each other and started cracking up. This freaky deaky bird was masturbating. On my husband’s hand.

Ewww.

After that, Raptor would find whatever it was to rub up against whenever her was out of his cage and would go to town. Against our file cabinet, books on the desk, our pencil holder, anything.

We finally found a new home for the birds and said goodbye to the little horn dog.

Not long after, we moved into another apartment that allowed cats and got our kitty, Zira, who we had for over 14 years. We didn’t get her fixed until about a year after we got her so she was in heat a few times.

I don’t know what the hell it was but when she was in heat, the sound of my voice drove her crazy. For some fucked up reason, it got her excited.

Ewww.

Each time it lasted for several days and no matter what came out of my mouth, Zira would be cat moaning MEOWR RRR MEOOWWW.

It was funny but annoying as hell.

Example:

Hubby: Hey, I’m home!

Me: Hey!

Cat: MEW MEW RAWRRR

Hubby: Any plans for dinner?

Me: I was thinking…

Cat: MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWRRRRR

Me: we could have…

Cat: MEOW RAWR MEOWWW

Me: Zira, stop it!

Cat: MEOOOOOWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR RRR RRRR

Me: pizza.

Cat: MEOWWWWWWWWWWW OWWWWW OWWWWW RRRRRR

Even after she got fixed, she was like that for a few more years. As crazy as it made me at the time, looking back, it was fucking hilarious.

*Silverspun Pickups

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At the beginning of the year, I thought “Oh cool, I’ll start planning my posts weeks in advance”. Yeah, that went well.

I suck at organization. I’m much more comfortable in my messy chaos. But, near the beginning of the new year, (OMG, It’s April! How the fuck did that happen??) I decided to get back in the habit of writing more regularly for my blog.

I searched Pinterest and printed out these cutesy weekly planners for a schedule and filled out my blog post ideas weeks in advance.

Ummm, yeah. That worked out well.

Seeing my ideas written down in ink made me twitchy because I don’t like lists and suck at planning things out. My 14 year-old self came popping up. Meaning? I rebelled against that fucking schedule.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m spontaneous but lists and lots of planning just isn’t my thing.

OMG, THE PRESSURE!!

I’m more of a see where the day takes me kind of person than an organizer.

Just like to-do lists with my husband. I rather nag at him constantly than make a list for him that will be ignored. It’s so much more fun.

Even if I do make a list for, let’s say the store, no matter how many times I look at that damn list while shopping,  I usually forget the most needed items on the list.

Like toilet paper.

Which is what I should turn the pages of my blog post schedule into.

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Total Recall: If I Wanted To Be Verbally Attacked, I Wouldn’t Go To The Grocery Store. I Would Visit My MIL.

Published November, 9, 2010

It started off innocent enough. My husband, daughter, and I went to a commissary for groceries at a nearby base on Saturday. Before we went inside the store, my hubby was getting a pack of water and asked me what brand I wanted. We use reusable water bottles but still get bottled water at times.

He joked about getting a brand I don’t like (I know it’s just water but I can be picky) and I told him to get the other water. While this was going on, I noticed a woman standing behind us. There wasn’t room for her to pass since the entrance to the commissary was narrow. Then I realized she was waiting on my hubby so she could get some water.

When he got it in the cart, the woman walked up and told her teenage son to get a certain brand of water because the other one (the one we got) sucked since “they use less plastic and it’s crinkly sounding”. I felt like she was only saying that to be a bitch and was trying to start something with us. Then I shrugged it off and thought I was just jumping to conclusions. You would think I would have learned to trust my instincts by now.

Somehow she ended up getting in front of us. The commissary we go to checks for military ID and there was a woman on the left side and a man on the right checking as you’re walking into the store. My husband was pushing the cart and I was holding the little hummingbird.

There was an older man in front of us and the woman and he was slowly making his way onto a motorized scooter. So while we were standing there waiting, I told my hubby to wipe the cart down before we put our daughter in it. Out of nowhere this woman starts yelling at my hubby. “Stop pushing your cart into me!!! Can’t you watch where you’re going?!!! You keep running into me!!!” She kept going on and on. She said plenty of crazy gems but I’ve forgotten them since I waited to write this. Mommy brain.

The thing was, my hubby wasn’t even close to this crazy woman. If he had bumped into her, he would have said he was sorry but he was like 2 feet away from her. All we were doing was standing behind this mental case. My hubby and I don’t go walking around looking for fights and neither of us likes confrontation. I can be quite the talker once I get to know someone but I’m really shy and the hubs is super quiet.

The whole thing was so surreal and at first I thought I would just keep quiet and let my hubby take care of it. He kept on apologizing and said he never hit her and then she started bitching about how we seemed to “act like we owned the damn stack of water” when we were getting our pack. Holy fucking crap lady! That’s when I could no longer be quiet and I simply told her that my husband never hit her with the cart.

This must have been exactly what she wanted because then she really started freaking out on us. We were only a few feet into the grocery store and the ID checkers were just standing there. I was still holding my daughter so she was yelling at the both of us right in front of our 19 month old and in front of her teenage son. Fortunately the little girl wasn’t crying and was just staring at this crazy woman probably thinking “what the hell is your problem?”

People were looking and I just couldn’t even believe how psycho this woman was. I hear about these weird things that happen when it comes to dumb situations where the police are called and it had me worried that would be the case with this. This woman had long, over-bleached hair and while she was yelling and flipping out, it would sway back and forth. I would never do this but there were a few times when I had the urge to grab her hair and drop kick her.

Then a slew of four letter words were entering my mind and as much as I would have loved to lay some on her, I had the self-control she obviously lacked. That’s when 3 more words popped into my head. Words I have never used before despite my husband being in the military for 14 years. I thought it was fitting since here we were on a base at the commissary so as she started to walk away, still yelling at us, I told her God Bless America!

You can only imagine how much she loved me saying that. She turned back around to continue her yelling that had been going on for several minutes. Then she started walking off again and as she was going into the produce section, she called me a bitch. And I thought going to visit my MIL was going to be the most terrifying thing this month.

Surprisingly, I was able to get a picture of this crazy woman.

 

What’s one of the craziest situations you’ve experienced with a stranger?

*Rootless Tree

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My husband hates me.

caillou

Over the holidays, I was looking throughout our DVR list and noticed that my husband had recorded Caillou’s Holiday Movie. My first thought was “are you fucking kidding me??” because the hummingbird has been losing interest in that little shit, Caillou, for a while and is obsessed with Peppa Pig.

I can’t stand that whiny little fuck as evidenced in I’m just a kid who’s 4. Each day I whine some more. I torture parents. I’m Caillou., and Bill the squirrel vs. Caillou.

I deleted the movie and my butthead hubby recorded it again. I begged and pleaded my case, ahem… even with a promise of a bj, but nothing worked.

During one day on the holiday break, I was going nuts with Peppa Pig and had a temporary case of insanity when I asked the little hummingbird if she would like to see Caillou.

“No, mommy. I don’t like Caillou.”

MUSIC TO MY FUCKING EARS!!! WOO HOO!!!

A few days later, I walked downstairs one morning to find the hubby and hummingbird cuddled up on the couch… awww… watching that freaking Caillou Holiday Movie… nooooo.

Since then, that damn movie has been watched countless times in the past 2 weeks.

Oh lawdy, help me!!

My 4 year-old’s love of Caillou has returned.

Oh lawdy, help me!!

The husband is going back to work next week, which is a good thing because we’ve been driving each other kinda crazy these past few days.

I’ve already told the hubby that I plan on not ever letting the baby bird know of that little whiny shit, Caillou.

When work starts back for him and preschool is back in session, I predict that the DVR is going to “accidentally” erase that damn Caillou movie, never to be seen again… until next year when my hubby will likely record it.

Butthead.

Which children’s shows drive you out of your mind?

*Far Behind

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I swear I’m not a cokehead. Just pregnant!

This time around, pregnancy has given me nosebleeds with all that extra blood I’m pumping and a stuffy nose.

So, here I am with the constant sniffles but I want to put a sign on my shirt that says “I swear I’m not a cokehead. Just pregnant!”

The only thing I’ve been snorting are Vicks fumes so I can breathe. I even got one of those stick inhalers that I carry around with me so I won’t be as obvious but who am I kidding.

I’ll be in the makeup aisle at Target, looking to make sure nobody is around, and I start huffing on my Vicks stick. That doesn’t look strange at all.

Yesterday morning, I had quite the party in my pants but unfortunately, not that kind.

I was getting sick, gagging, and dry heaving in the bathroom sink. The toilet was too far. While my 4 year-old stood there watching and asking asking 284,264 questions, I started peeing myself as well.

We’re talking a puddle of pee on the floor. So then I start laughing and can’t stop. While continuing to get sick and having pee drizzle down my leg, I get a bloody fucking nose.

It starts dripping all over the place because I’m gagging so violently and still can’t stop laughing.

It was like a water fountain was going off in my pants and my face was a busted faucet.

Pregnancy is so damn glamourous!

I was finally able to get everything under control and stop all the leakage.

Now, where’s my Vicks?!

What “glamourous” things happened to you when you were pregnant?

*Settle Down

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