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Total Recall: If I Wanted To Be Verbally Attacked, I Wouldn’t Go To The Grocery Store. I Would Visit My MIL.

Published November, 9, 2010

It started off innocent enough. My husband, daughter, and I went to a commissary for groceries at a nearby base on Saturday. Before we went inside the store, my hubby was getting a pack of water and asked me what brand I wanted. We use reusable water bottles but still get bottled water at times.

He joked about getting a brand I don’t like (I know it’s just water but I can be picky) and I told him to get the other water. While this was going on, I noticed a woman standing behind us. There wasn’t room for her to pass since the entrance to the commissary was narrow. Then I realized she was waiting on my hubby so she could get some water.

When he got it in the cart, the woman walked up and told her teenage son to get a certain brand of water because the other one (the one we got) sucked since “they use less plastic and it’s crinkly sounding”. I felt like she was only saying that to be a bitch and was trying to start something with us. Then I shrugged it off and thought I was just jumping to conclusions. You would think I would have learned to trust my instincts by now.

Somehow she ended up getting in front of us. The commissary we go to checks for military ID and there was a woman on the left side and a man on the right checking as you’re walking into the store. My husband was pushing the cart and I was holding the little hummingbird.

There was an older man in front of us and the woman and he was slowly making his way onto a motorized scooter. So while we were standing there waiting, I told my hubby to wipe the cart down before we put our daughter in it. Out of nowhere this woman starts yelling at my hubby. “Stop pushing your cart into me!!! Can’t you watch where you’re going?!!! You keep running into me!!!” She kept going on and on. She said plenty of crazy gems but I’ve forgotten them since I waited to write this. Mommy brain.

The thing was, my hubby wasn’t even close to this crazy woman. If he had bumped into her, he would have said he was sorry but he was like 2 feet away from her. All we were doing was standing behind this mental case. My hubby and I don’t go walking around looking for fights and neither of us likes confrontation. I can be quite the talker once I get to know someone but I’m really shy and the hubs is super quiet.

The whole thing was so surreal and at first I thought I would just keep quiet and let my hubby take care of it. He kept on apologizing and said he never hit her and then she started bitching about how we seemed to “act like we owned the damn stack of water” when we were getting our pack. Holy fucking crap lady! That’s when I could no longer be quiet and I simply told her that my husband never hit her with the cart.

This must have been exactly what she wanted because then she really started freaking out on us. We were only a few feet into the grocery store and the ID checkers were just standing there. I was still holding my daughter so she was yelling at the both of us right in front of our 19 month old and in front of her teenage son. Fortunately the little girl wasn’t crying and was just staring at this crazy woman probably thinking “what the hell is your problem?”

People were looking and I just couldn’t even believe how psycho this woman was. I hear about these weird things that happen when it comes to dumb situations where the police are called and it had me worried that would be the case with this. This woman had long, over-bleached hair and while she was yelling and flipping out, it would sway back and forth. I would never do this but there were a few times when I had the urge to grab her hair and drop kick her.

Then a slew of four letter words were entering my mind and as much as I would have loved to lay some on her, I had the self-control she obviously lacked. That’s when 3 more words popped into my head. Words I have never used before despite my husband being in the military for 14 years. I thought it was fitting since here we were on a base at the commissary so as she started to walk away, still yelling at us, I told her God Bless America!

You can only imagine how much she loved me saying that. She turned back around to continue her yelling that had been going on for several minutes. Then she started walking off again and as she was going into the produce section, she called me a bitch. And I thought going to visit my MIL was going to be the most terrifying thing this month.

Surprisingly, I was able to get a picture of this crazy woman.

 

What’s one of the craziest situations you’ve experienced with a stranger?

*Rootless Tree

Comments { 2 }

My husband hates me.

caillou

Over the holidays, I was looking throughout our DVR list and noticed that my husband had recorded Caillou’s Holiday Movie. My first thought was “are you fucking kidding me??” because the hummingbird has been losing interest in that little shit, Caillou, for a while and is obsessed with Peppa Pig.

I can’t stand that whiny little fuck as evidenced in I’m just a kid who’s 4. Each day I whine some more. I torture parents. I’m Caillou., and Bill the squirrel vs. Caillou.

I deleted the movie and my butthead hubby recorded it again. I begged and pleaded my case, ahem… even with a promise of a bj, but nothing worked.

During one day on the holiday break, I was going nuts with Peppa Pig and had a temporary case of insanity when I asked the little hummingbird if she would like to see Caillou.

“No, mommy. I don’t like Caillou.”

MUSIC TO MY FUCKING EARS!!! WOO HOO!!!

A few days later, I walked downstairs one morning to find the hubby and hummingbird cuddled up on the couch… awww… watching that freaking Caillou Holiday Movie… nooooo.

Since then, that damn movie has been watched countless times in the past 2 weeks.

Oh lawdy, help me!!

My 4 year-old’s love of Caillou has returned.

Oh lawdy, help me!!

The husband is going back to work next week, which is a good thing because we’ve been driving each other kinda crazy these past few days.

I’ve already told the hubby that I plan on not ever letting the baby bird know of that little whiny shit, Caillou.

When work starts back for him and preschool is back in session, I predict that the DVR is going to “accidentally” erase that damn Caillou movie, never to be seen again… until next year when my hubby will likely record it.

Butthead.

Which children’s shows drive you out of your mind?

*Far Behind

Comments { 10 }

I swear I’m not a cokehead. Just pregnant!

This time around, pregnancy has given me nosebleeds with all that extra blood I’m pumping and a stuffy nose.

So, here I am with the constant sniffles but I want to put a sign on my shirt that says “I swear I’m not a cokehead. Just pregnant!”

The only thing I’ve been snorting are Vicks fumes so I can breathe. I even got one of those stick inhalers that I carry around with me so I won’t be as obvious but who am I kidding.

I’ll be in the makeup aisle at Target, looking to make sure nobody is around, and I start huffing on my Vicks stick. That doesn’t look strange at all.

Yesterday morning, I had quite the party in my pants but unfortunately, not that kind.

I was getting sick, gagging, and dry heaving in the bathroom sink. The toilet was too far. While my 4 year-old stood there watching and asking asking 284,264 questions, I started peeing myself as well.

We’re talking a puddle of pee on the floor. So then I start laughing and can’t stop. While continuing to get sick and having pee drizzle down my leg, I get a bloody fucking nose.

It starts dripping all over the place because I’m gagging so violently and still can’t stop laughing.

It was like a water fountain was going off in my pants and my face was a busted faucet.

Pregnancy is so damn glamourous!

I was finally able to get everything under control and stop all the leakage.

Now, where’s my Vicks?!

What “glamourous” things happened to you when you were pregnant?

*Settle Down

Comments { 11 }

In-Law Apocalypse

Lock the doors!

Board the windows!

Run for cover!

Bend over and kiss your ass goodbye!

It’s the In-Law Apocalypse!!!!

My FIL kept on telling us about his Medicare policy and then seemed to forget he told us because he would then tell us all over again. Also his laugh, oh dear god, he laughs like Marty McFly’s dad, George, from Back To The Future. The in-laws are devoid of humor but anything my husband says makes them go into hysterics. I really don’t get it.

My MIL was her usual bitchy self and mostly I would give a long fuckyoubitchthisisnotyourhousesofuckoff sigh with whatever bitchy thing she said.

I found the best way to deal with them was by directing my attention somewhere else.

So, every time my father-in-law would try to give me one of his long ass lectures about who the hell cares what, I would either pretend I wasn’t hearing him and then walk off or say “oh, that’s nice” and tell my husband something so it would zip up the guy.

What I just don’t fucking get with the in-laws is that they’ve already invited themselves for their next visit.

Ummm, NO!

They want to be here for weeks with the baby bird.

That’s something I was talking to my therapist about, a wonderful woman, and she has me learning about “mindfulness“.

She told me there’s absolutely no reason I should feel guilty about letting the in-laws know that they don’t need to be here for weeks and that I need to think about what’s best for me… without feeling like such a bitch.

Yes!

This is what I’ve needed to hear for years. I always think I’m depriving my husband of time with his parents and then I feel a lot of guilt but like Dr. Mindful says, I need to put our best interests first and not be run by the in-laws.

Every time the in-laws visit, it puts me under incredible stress, ha… like you couldn’t tell… and I really don’t want them here right after the baby bird is born. I really want to have the 4 of us to get in the groove first and bond, not have the in-laws here from the get go. They will be so much more of a hinderance to us than a help anyway.

Sure, I can deal with them being here (okay, not really) for a few days (nope), but fuck me backwards, not for weeks. I’m still baffled by how freaking oblivious my in-laws are when it comes to… everything! Personal space, boundaries, being assholes, you get my point.

So, thanks to Dr. Mindful, I’m starting to figure out how to say no, especially to the visits with the lecture man and the bitchy mcbitchster.

*Bathwater

Comments { 0 }

Things that go boom, bang, crunch.

I had two things going for me. I’ve never been in a car accident and never had a cavity in my life. While I wish the latter happened today, I got in a car accident. Thankfully, no other cars were involved but it scared the fuck out of me. We had our first big snow here in Maine, well it may not have been that big to Mainers, and the roads were icy and hadn’t been cleared yet.

I went to pick up the hummingbird at preschool an hour and a half early, thinking I could beat the bad weather. When we were coming back home, I was exciting the freeway and started sliding. It all happened so fast but I’m pretty sure I overcorrected and then went slamming into a metal barrier to my right. I wasn’t going very fast but heard a loud crunch.

The hummingbird was in hysterics, which was the worst part for me, and I dreaded looking at the car to see the damage. While there was a cracked headlight, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. Yay fo Subaru’s.

Oy, I feel like such a dumbs and think I have 2 1/2 more years of snow, icy roads, and driving here and I’m terrified of getting back behind the wheel. I NEVER liked driving as it is but now I’m even more nervous.

After we got home, I let the hummingbird have some chocolate and pretty soon she was totally fine from it. I so wish I could’ve had a big shot of vodka and a xanax with a chocolate chaser. But I could only have the chocolate. Booo! lol

Driving home after the accident was even more of a nightmare and I think I only went about 10 miles an hour and had a line of cars behind me but oh well. I know having to drive again, in fact very soon is inevitable but I told my husband last night that I’d much rather have my transportation be a horse for the rest of the time we’re here in Maine.

He wasn’t privy to the idea so I’m getting new snow tires instead.

I’d still rather have the horse.

*Hey Baby

Comments { 8 }

I just want a f*cking shower.

psycho11

I would think the weekends would be the perfect time to get a nice shower in but nope. Not only do I have my 4 year-old to contend with, there’s my husband as well.

I try to sneak into the bathroom and almost every time, I’m busted.

My daughter’s usual response is “DON’T TAKE A SHOWER! PLAY WITH ME!!!!! Followed by a little tantrum and some kind of move that involves her down on the carpet, scooting around.

What. The. Fuck?

It’s one of those “Is this really happening???” moments followed by me thinking I’ve been drugged with acid. It’s just a damn shower!

I’ll tell her that I’m smelly and will feel much better if I take a shower, and then after we’ll play as much as she wants. Ummm, yeah, that doesn’t work, ever.

My husband is around most weekends but when I try to get some assistance from him, it’s like he falls off the fucking face of the earth. Where does he go? What is he doing? Does he have a shower radar and he makes himself vaporize when I try to take a shower? Does he slip off into another dimension? Is it the Twilight Zone? Where the fuck does he go? I JUST WANT A SHOWER!

He appears eventually and is met with bitchy wife.

That catches him off guard because by the time I find him, I’m so fed up with being stinky, dirty, and dealing with the hummingbird that my voice goes supersonic and he can’t understand a word I’m saying to him.

Then he replies with “You haven’t taken a shower yet?” and my voice gets so high and squeaky, I’m sure even dogs can’t understand me.

Last weekend was a perfect example.

It was already dark by the time I was in the shower and right before I got in, my 4 year-old walks in the door and tells me she’ll wait for me to be done. Okay, fine, no privacy, no problem, I’m used to it.

Then my 2 cats wander in and sit there in the bathroom. Followed by 4,804,567 questions by my daughter. I’m trying to answers as best as I can while I try to figure out why the tub isn’t draining but filling up with water instead.

Mommy, will you be done soon? Mommy… mommy… mommy?

By this time, the water was up to my ankles and I kept on flipping the shower thingy knob off and on but I couldn’t figure out if it was draining the water.

I had shampoo in my hair that was dripping and burning my eyes, the 20,000,000 question girl waiting for me, and a shower that was quickly becoming a bath.

That’s when my husband finally reappeared out of thin air and walked into the bathroom.

How many people and pets can fit into my bathroom? Maybe I should invite the neighbors and have a party.

The hubby hears me messing with the shower thingy and with my patience thin because OH MY GOD, I JUST WANT A FUCKING 5 MINUTE SHOWER IN PEACE, he asks why I’m trying to take a bath when it’s getting so late.

OUT. EVERYBODY OUT OF THE BATHROOM! PLEASE! OUT!

The hubby: Oh, did you want a few minutes?

YES!

Okay.

ARGGGHHH!

Maybe 20 years from now, I’ll be able to take a nice, hot, 5 minute shower in peace.

I doubt it but maybe.

*Counting Stars

Comments { 8 }

If I hear “why?” one more time, my head will explode and the hummingbird will grow up with a headless mother and that would really suck.

I thought the hummingbird was finally out of the why stage but it’s come back with a vengeance. I know she’s just curious and I should be more than happy to answer all of her why questions but it can drive me up the wall. Just today, I went to get blood work done and on the way to the clinic, she was full of questions.

My 4 year-old has also become quite the backseat driver. I answer her questions as best as I can but after awhile, I want to bang my head against a spike. I don’t know if it’s just little girls or if boys are just as “talky”.

Why do I have to wear my coat?

Why did you just make that noise *sighs*?

Where’s the sun?

Why aren’t there any cars?

Why is that car going slow?

Why are we stopping?

Why are we going this way?

Why aren’t we taking the highway?

Why are you slowing down?

Are you lost?

Why are you lost?

Mommy, are you lost?

Why did you just say “shhh”?

Why are we turning around?

Why are we stopping?

Are we at the clinic?

Why did you yawn?

Where’s the door?

Why did the door open by itself?

Can I play?

I need a tissue.

Why are the tissues sitting like that?

Why are they sideways?

Are we leaving now?

Why are we leaving?

Why are you turning the car around?

This isn’t the way home.

Is this the way home?

Why are you slowing down?

What’s that car doing?

Are you going the wrong way?

Why are we speeding up?

Are we home yet?

I’m hungry.

*Head Explodes*

*Radioactive

Comments { 12 }