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I Don’t Know How Jake Tapper Doesn’t Rage Against These Dumbfucks

As much as I try not to watch the news, Jake Tapper from CNN calls to me from time to time. I know his urge to rage against some of his guests must be strong… Rage Against The Machine, Jake… but he holds it together much better than I ever would expect.

Take for example his guest Ted Crockett.

Poor, stupid, dumbfuck Ted. This guy doesn’t have a fucking clue.

Mr. Ted Crockett made me want to throw heavy objects at my television screen when I saw this.

The ignorance and stupidity is mind blowing.

For one, he’s defending Roy Moore, who thankfully was the loser for the Alabama Senate seat and a sexual predator. A disgusting fucker who people actually defended because he’s such a “Christian” man.

Yep, sure. He’s such a religious man that he likes to pick up children and young girls. Because that’s in the bible under thou shall be a pervert to young children.

This whole thing was so fucking disgusting.

Yes, I’m so fucking angry by these so called evangelical “Christians” and their hatred for people of different backgrounds and religions.

I know not every christian is like this but it’s people like simple Ted Crockett that makes me rage.

But, my news crush, Jake Tapper, puts this dumbass in his place.

The slow blink from this guy at around the 3:03 mark is priceless.

Thank you, Jake Tapper.

Thank you!

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To The People Who Dance Like Nobody’s Watching

For the past six months or so, my anxiety attacks have started as early as before I even open my eyes, which is a rather new thing considering most of those attacks were usually happening at night, and I needed to cut out the news. It was making me feel completely suffocated to know of all the harm that was happening not only in the United States, but around the world.

Of course, I don’t live under a rock so the news seeps into my life on a daily basis. I’ll check in on one of my fave gossip sites to see who got married, who broke up, who had a baby, who went to rehab for “exhaustion”, who is losing their shit, etc., except there will also be news on there about the hot mess going on in D.C.

As much as I try to escape it, the real news of the world oozes in. Like the flow of lava. Destroying and burning down my small safe space of comfort.

There aren’t enough adorable puppy photos to cure these blues that are currently happening.

The pleas and desperate help that Puerto Rico needs.

The shootings in Las Vegas.

These events are so shocking and sickening. I just can’t wrap my mind around this kind of devastation.

Besides the daily stresses I go through every night while lying in bed, the happenings of the world also keep me up at night.

For some reason, when I try to be mindful and think happy thoughts, my mind goes to an Andrew Bird concert I went to last October. My mom had been visiting us for the first time in at least six years and it felt like a perfect night.

Towards the end of the show, the lights went down in the concert hall, the disco ball was lowered, stars scattered all across the arena, and there was a woman who was standing to my left. She was dancing in a way that honestly gave me second-hand embarrassment at first. She was moving her body along to the music and didn’t give one flying fuck what anyone thought, including me who quickly saw how judgemental I had been for a few quick seconds.

This woman who danced so freely is someone I hope to be someday.

Going through the rhythm of life and moving in the way that feels natural to me, no matter how ridiculous it may seem at first to those who are watching. I want to be able to drop my guard and be my true self, no matter how much it’s out of my comfort zone.

During these really difficult times, we should all be the kind of people who dance like nobody’s watching and show the kindness and goodness that so many people are very much needing right now.

This is not about politics for me.

This is about decent, human kindness that very few in current high-powered positions just don’t have.

People try to normalize the behavior of someone who is supposed to be the leader of my country and they are failing time and time again, spewing out hatred and insincerity.

So, I’m going to make an effort to go through the present, dancing to life the way that I want no matter what my conservative family members think. That’s including a cousin I adored and looked up to, my sister, and an uncle.

But, unlike them, I don’t take kindly to judge people based on their skin color or religion.

It may seem extreme to cut out family members but the decisions being made by the United States government is absolutely devastating people’s lives and ruining as well as breaking up families.

I no longer care if I’m a “special snowflake” for basic human rights and respect given to all people, no matter what their lot in life is.

Everyone deserves to have a happy life and stability. People should be allowed the freedom to come to the U.S. to make a better life for themselves.

Everyone deserves the chance to dance like nobody’s watching, without limitation or prejudice.

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I’ll Just Pretend We Don’t Have A Government Right Now

Dear fellow earthlings,

Please help us here in America. I’ve had to ban myself from watching any news because I have been having such high anxiety. It feels like the world is going to end.

I feel like I’m a passenger on the Speed bus from hell except Keanu Reeves isn’t here to save the day. Every fucking hour, some crazy shit seems to go down in the political world and even though I’ve banned myself from the news, I still see it on the celebrity gossip sites.

All I’m asking for is some juicy gossip to take away from this shitstorm happening to this country.

Here’s a summary of the last seven months. All aboard the Speed bus!

Sean Spicer says the numbers for the inauguration was the biggest that was ever seen, period.

*grabs on to the sides of my seat of the Speed bus*

White supremacists are in the White House.

Muslim ban.

Um. Um. Holy fuck. *grabs a hold of my seat even tighter*

The Cheeto-In Chief tweets delusional, crazy shit.

Dennis Hopper was more likeable as the villian in Speed. *has panic attack because this fucker is going to get us killed in 140 characters or less*

Comey is fired.

SANDRA? KEANU? Anyone? Who’s driving this damn bus? Where’s the adult here? *braces self against my bus seat on the Speed bus to hell because it’s going to be one hell of a ride*

Tweet, tweet. FAKE NEWS! FAILING NEW YORK TIMES! FAKE NEWS!

What. The. Actual. Fuck? This is what journalists do. People won’t believe this delusional twat bag.

So, yeah. I was wrong about that. People are actually that stupid. *puts head down while sitting on the Speed bus to hell and takes deep breaths while preparing for impact*

Spicer is out. Sarah Fuckabee Sanders “I talk like I’m eating my face” is in.

And, surprise. Someone even thuggier than Tony Soprano; the Scary Mooch is in.

What. The Actual. Fuckity. Fuck?

Scarramouche, Scarramouche, will you do the fandango?

Boy Scout Jamboree.

Oh my fucking god. This is way too Hitler-esque.

*braces self on the Speed bus to hell because there’s a gap in the freeway and we’re all gonna die”

And, Scary mooch’s greasy, slimeball, thug ass is out of there after ten days.

Ha!

We make it across the gap in the freeway and things seem to calm down. There will be someone to do the adulting after all.

But, Cheeto-In-Chief tweets more of his insanity.

*Keanu enters. “There’s a bomb on the bus and it’s orange. It will blow at any time”.*

Seriously, where’s the fucking adult?!

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Adventures In Driving

My mom is staying with us for the summer and it’s the best thing ever. There’s a chance my in-laws might also visit during the summer and it will be so nice to have an ally around for that visit.

There are tourists flocking to our area and it has made driving more frustrating than usual. The road that’s the cross street by our house is so congested as it is but during the summer, holy hell. And, I hate driving anyways. It’s always made me so tense and stressed.

My mom and I were coming back from the store because oh my fucking god, no matter how much I plan, I go to the store at least three times a week for shit I forgot, even though I always… well I mostly have a list.

Anyway, there was an older woman ahead of us doing at least five under the speed limit.

A mild annoyance but oh, well.

Then, this woman started to put on her brakes.

Okay.

A normal thing to do.

But, she then came to a complete fucking stop on the two lane road.

What the fucking fuck?

I looked at my mom and said am I just crazy or is this woman turning really fucking slow?

She’s turning really fucking slow, my mom replied.

This woman came to a complete stop on our two lane road that goes by our house and she just fucking stops.

Who dropped the acid in my water?

What the hell, lady?

Can you turn any slower?

Yes. Yes, she can.

And with that, she made the slowest left hand turn in the entire history of left hand turns.

When she was finally far enough out of my way, I hit the gas and looked back in my rearview mirror.

And what did I see?

This lady was still in the process of completing her turn into the golf course entrance.

I just don’t get the way people drive anymore. Common courtesy has blown to the winds. People drive like they’re the only people on the road.

Yes, I’m bitching about drivers because I’m officially old. Next week I’ll have a post entirely centered around the price that things where when I was a kid.

Okay, no, I won’t.

Or will I?

Hmmmm.

What’s your driving pet peeve or an annoyance you’ve had lately with driving?

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#Blessed

Something has been on my mind for quite a while that I just have to get out in the open.

No, it’s not that Trump is a disgusting, vile pig who needs to be grabbed by the pussy because he’s a chicken shit and coward for not attending the White House Correspondent’s Dinner, although yes, that was something I’ve been thinking about. No offense to chicken shit or pussies.

What I want to get out in the open is that I can’t take one more person being “#blessed” on their Facebook status.

Don’t get me wrong. If you feel that way, great for you.

It’s the insane overuse of the word that annoys me. An example of the use, which I’m totally pulling out of my ass…

Facebook Status:

‘I bought a frozen lemonade at Panera and it was delicious. #lemonade #blessed’

2k likes

55 comments

Really?

It’s a fucking lemonade. Chill the fuck out.

And, seriously. You have that many likes?

I share a video of a cat eating watermelon in a funny hat while dressed up as Princess Leia with a functioning light saber, but it only gets 2 likes.

What is up with that?!

Ahem, anyway… I get the use of the word with the birth of a child or somebody recovering from surgery, etc. But, to use it all the fucking time? What happened to words like ‘thankful’ or ‘happy’?

Nope, it’s not good enough, apparently.

Facebook Status:

‘I’m so #blessed that there was a hidden tampon in my purse when I thought I was out.’

Okay, actually finding a tampon that I didn’t think I had when I’m bleeding to death at that time of the month is a blessing because I don’t want to put pants on, drive to the store, walk, get stuck behind the slowest fucking person in the whole goddamn universe, walk back to my car, and drive home. I don’t want to deal with people when I’m on my period.

Oops, my mistake.

The desire to not have to deal with people is something I want on a daily basis.

So, can you tell by my bitchiness that I’m currently on my period, would kill for a Snickers bar, and found a surprise and unopened box of tampons in a bathroom cabinet earlier?

#blessed

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P

ETA: I changed the name of this post because I didn’t want pervs googling people peeing in their pants and getting off on it. Ewww.

I’ve had a cold for the past three days. I am such a fucking baby when I get sick and feel the need to tell my husband I feel like shit every hour. He, on the other hand, is made of steel. Steel, I tell you! I practically have to beg him to help him out on the rare occasion he gets sick.

The thing that pisses me off (pun intended) about being sick, well, besides being sick, feeling like shit, and coughing up my lung is peeing every time I cough. My 15 year-old self would have laughed at my *mumbles* year-old self the first time I had to buy pee pads. I started out with period pads but after the hummingbird and then Ben three years ago, I can pee myself so bad that it goes through my underwear and pajama pants.

So, I held my head in shame when I first bought pee pads and it’s all thanks to my darling children. Damn it.

This is totally fucking karma because when I was a teenager and was at the store with my mom, I would ask her why she bought pads since I knew she used tampons. Like any young person or child, my voice level came across as “WHY ARE YOU GETTING THOSE PADS, MOM?”. I pretty much knew why but teenagers are assholes so there you go.

There are those extra embarrassing times when I may sneeze my nose off or get into a coughing fit and actually pee my pants and the pee might start running down my leg while I haul ass to the bathroom. Just one of the many things to love about motherhood.

Since I’ve been sick this week and coughing my head off, I’ve gone through several pairs of underwear and pajama pants that I’ve been washing every day. I could just easily wear pads (which I occasionally do) during times like this but my vagina is claustrophobic. Or, so that’s what it tells me but I can’t really understand what it’s saying while being crammed up against whatever the hell pads are made out of.

For some reason, I also shun pads because I’ll think “My vagina can handle anything!”

Why can’t men pee their pants also once you have kids? What’s up with that?! Then you can both share the embarrassment together. When are they going to have their vagina stretched out so much that a clown car could drive through? Granted, they don’t have the genitalia, but still.

What really gets me is while coughing and sneezing set off the crotch fountain, there have been times where I’m not doing anything that I deem strenuous but then what do I know? A little pee will just randomly come out. Really, vagina, REALLY?

I used to think those vaginal rejuvenation surgeries were laughable and now I want to kiss whoever came up with the procedure.

Yay to motherhood for making me piss myself.

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Last Night, I Woke Up From A Nightmare About Donald Trump Being Elected President. Oh, Wait…

A few posts ago when I posted about being in disbelief over Trump becoming the president-elect, I received some Pro-Trump comments. I didn’t publish them because I want to piss off any fucking idiot who supports him.

It doesn’t matter who you voted for. The fact is, he’s full of hate. He spews hate and it’s disgusting.

I feel like we are turning into that movie, Idiocracy. I blame the idolization of the Kartrashians. And, my in-laws. I enjoy blaming my in-laws for everything just because.

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