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Like a bowl full of jelly.

burningbra1

I absolutely hate wearing a bra and for years I thought I found a way to avoid putting one on by wearing a jacket.

I never said I was the brightest bulb.

I figured my big boobs would be hidden with a jacket so I wouldn’t have to wear that fucking elastic torture device. During the winter, my plan is pretty awesome since I wear a bulky coat that keeps the twins in line.

In the spring, I try to get away with wearing a jacket for as long as possible to avoid a bra, even when it warms up and I’ll be hot as hell with sweat dripping down my face and running down my armpits.

Anything is better than wearing a bra.

Last week, the hummingbird and I were walking into Target and I was wearing a sweater jacket to avoid the dreaded bra.

The bird was asking why I was wearing it since it was warm out.

Hummingbird: You don’t need a jacket, mommy. It’s nice out.

Me: I know, but I can’t take it off since I’m not wearing a bra.

Hummingbird: Why not?

Me: If I took my jacket off, then everyone can see my boobs jiggling all over and flapping around. My jacket hides that.

Hummingbird: But mommy, you’re boobs ARE flapping around all over the place. I can see them bouncing around even with the jacket.

Nooooo! I thought I found a bra loophole and while I assumed my boobs were under wraps, I’ve been a hot and sweaty mess by roasting in jackets that don’t cover these suckers up after all.

My plan has been foiled all this time without me realizing it. Damn it!

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Snap, Crackle, Pop!

I normally hate killing anything and after yelling for my husband to come kill a bug or spider, I always remind him not to kill it but to catch it and set it free outside. Usually he says uh huh, and then SMASH.

But occasionally he’ll roll his eyes at me and scoop the invading bug up with a tissue, then open the front door to set it free.

After moving to Maine over the summer, I found that mosquitoes and grasshoppers that I swear, would deliberately fly at my face just to fuck with me, were my enemy.

I was eaten alive for months because of these mosquitoes and was on a mission to kill those bastards after all. That’s when my husband came home one day with one of the most romantic things I’ve ever been given.

A bug zapper.

When he brought that thing home and plugged it in later that night, after I heard the sounds of snap, crackle, pop, he was so getting laid. We spend the last few months enjoying the sounds of that zapper.

Each night, hen I would hear the first ZAP sounds of the evening, I’d look over at my husband and say… “Die, Motherfucker, Die!” Then we’d look at each other and start laughing. What can I say, this thing entertained the hell out of us.

A few weeks ago, after I had cursed the first few bugs that crackled in the zapper, the bug crematorium started zapping the fuck out of something.

It was like the never-ending zap of mosquito death. We started laughing and I was like “What the hell is stuck in there… a bat?”

Because yes, one of our neighbors informed us that they had a bat stuck in their garage. Oh, HELL NO!

I’m not down with little vampire rodents that fly and give you rabies. Things that fly freak me out… expect birds but I only tolerate them. Or admire the cute little yellow birds that come to our backyard feeder when I’m safely enclosed in a house and looking out a thick glass window.

But having things flapping their little wings over my head…. nope.

Now that fall is here, the bug zapper has been unplugged and I no longer have to worry about mosquitoes that are so big, you could walk them on a damn leash. Till next year bug zapper… till next year.

*Tracy Bonham ~ Mother Mother

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After having the very serious conversations we have, the husband pointed out last night that Tom Hanks loves making films where his ass gets stuck. We have these really deep discussions so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Before the hubby and I were about to go to bed, Apollo 13 was on. That’s when my husband got to thinking and said what the hell is up with this guy. The dude gets stuck in space and in that other movie, he gets stuck on a deserted island with a soccer ball.

Because I’m such a serious writer *snort*, I did some “research” and went on imdb, looking up the films that Tom Hanks has done over the years. Yeah, I’m getting old and need a life.

Holy shit, the hubby was right!

Sure, this is probably overreaching but again, being the serious writer I am, ahem, I’ve compiled a list. Also, the guy sure has made some great movies.

Bosom Buddies - Tom is stuck having to dress like a woman to live in an apartment with his bosom buddy. Hilarity ensues.

Splash – The guy is stuck with a damn mermaid who’s name in mermaid speak will blow your fucking eardrums out. Hilarity ensues.

The Money Pit – Oh look at that, Tom is stuck with a house from hell that he bought with his girlfriend. Hilarity ensues.

Big – Love this movie. Once again, the guy is stuck… as a kid in the body of an adult. Hilarity ensues again.

Turner And Hooch- Surprise, surprise. Tom is stuck with a slobbery dog who is a witness to a crime. Hilarity ensues!

A League Of Their Own – No fucking way! Tom Hanks is stuck, yet again, this time coaching a womens’ baseball team that he wants no part of. Say it with me… hilarity ensues!

Forrest Gump – The dude is stuck in love with JENNY for years and years and years. Fuck that. Run, Forrest, Run!! Can’t hate on this film though because it’s awesome and I’ve watched it about 10 million times over the years. Hilarity doesn’t ensue in this one and people drop like flies.

Apollo 13 - Once again… Tom gets stuck… in space… with Bill Paxton and Kevin Bacon. Tom, sweetie, will you ever fucking learn? No? Okay, continuing on.

Cast Away – Huh, look at that. Tom Hanks is once again stuck. This time on an island with his beloved soccer ball, Wilson. I mean… WIIIILLLLLSSSSOOOONNNNN! *enter crying*

The Terminal – Shocker! Hold on to your seats, people. Tom is stuck in an airport for many months. Hilarity, once again, ensues.

I’m sure I’m probably missing more movies, but this nap isn’t going to take itself.

Stuck On You

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Edward Lobstah Hands

Yesterday, my husband said he needed help with dinner. Of course I rushed down right away… after I took a shower and read some emails. Because I’m helpful like that. Ha!

I went downstairs into the kitchen and the first thing my husband said was to look into a boiling pot that was on the stove.

Ummmm…. Uhhh….

If it’s a boiled bunny in there, I’ll be wicked pissed, yo!

I had absolutely NO IDEA what to expect. None… nada, no clue.

I slowly opened up the lid. That’s when I saw an antennae… IN. THE. POT. It said, hey you, I’m coming to getcha!

Probably.

lobster-11

I screamed like mad and ran the hell out of there. The hubby was loving it. Butthead.

When he took them out of the pot and let them cool down, he took the heads of the lobstahs and did some lobstah commentary.

“Hello, there. I’m delicious and I’m gonna get you!”

Butthead.

When he took the meat out that’s what she said, he strategically placed the lobstahs into the trash so the antennae would stick out… yeah, just to fuck with me.

Well played, my man, well played.

The lobstah was amazing and since I’m a food moaner, I pulled a When Harry Met Sally, that I’m sure the whole neighborhood could hear.

lobster-22

My husband considers this our induction to being true New Englanders.

Also, that damn lobstah is still in the trash can with its antennae sticking out.

Butthead.

lobster-hands11

* I let the hummingbird pick the song.

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I hate shaving my legs. But when I do, I’m a sloppy, drunken, hot mess without the drunk part. You could say I’m the Courtney Love of shaving.

shaving-legs

I’ve always had a hate/hate relationship with shaving my legs. Despite it not being brain surgery, I’m really bad at it. I’ve seen those bitches in the shaving commercials, making it look so easy.

My balance sucks when shaving. I end up looking like a cross between Bambi learning to walk and stepping on hot coals. With the hummingbird’s bath toys taking up most of the tub space, I have just a teeny tiny bit of space to rest my foot on.

I wear contacts and occassionally glasses and it seems when I decide to shave, I don’t have my contacts in yet so I can’t see a damn thing I’m doing.

The first thing I usually do is shampoo my hair and leave it on for a few minutes while I shave my armpits. As I’m shaving, the shampoo starts getting into my eyes and I’m feeling all around for a towel to wipe my face. No such luck.

And I have no idea why I just don’t stop washing my hair when shaving. It’s out of habit, I guess.

I rinse off and blindly try to get the shaving cream onto my legs as the shower is pounding on my back and splashing in my face.

It’s like fucking water torture.

Since my eyes are still burning from the soap that got in them and water is splashing on the back of my head and dripping down the side of my face, I can’t see shit.

I lean over more to get near my ankles and accidentally get water tortured with water again.

I’m holding my breath as I try to shave as best as I can and move on to the next leg.

I can’t take anymore and think that’s good enough.

When I’m finally out of the shower and dry off, I put on body butter and as I’m rubbing it into my legs, I see 2 or 3 long hairs near my ankles that looks like I’ve missed shaving them for a month.

There is ALWAYS those few long hairs I find somewhere on my legs after I shave each time. I’ll be thinking, finally, a success with shaving. And I always find those hairs I didn’t get while shaving.

WHY? WHY, leg hair? Why do you have to be such an asshole!

So, that’s usually my awkward and not at all graceful shaving technique.

One of these days, I’d like to see a REAL shaving commercial that shows a woman in the shower, hopping around as she struggles to shave her legs by being hit in the head and back with water, causing her to drown.

*No Doubt

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And then this guy turns into a vampire and I thought, this definitely isn’t the same Lincoln with Daniel Day-Lewis. Or maybe it is and Abraham Lincoln was a bad ass vampire slayer back in the day.

Abraham Lincoln... Vampire Slayer?

President Abraham Lincoln… Vampire Slayer?

I know I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. It became much worse since I had the hummingbird.

My main focus is on the hummingbird and when it comes to everything else, I’ll be “Huh? What? I’m sorry? You what? What did you say? Ummm…what? Huh?” and it will just be over something like my husband asking if I’d like tacos for dinner.

First off, if tacos are the question, the answer is ALWAYS yes. Secondly, now I want tacos.

Okay, focus.

So, the other night I decided to watch Lincoln.

I had taken an ambien and 2 hours later I was still wide awake and a little loopy from it but got out of bed because I was restless. I looked through the guide channel on the television and bought the movie for 3.99.

I swear it was the Daniel Day-Lewis version. I still have that version on my DVR and sure enough it shows DDL being in it.

Well, DirecTV must have been sniffing gas fumes because it wasn’t the right Lincoln. But it took my genius ass a while to figure that out.

As soon as I started playing the movie and got cozy on the couch, I was drifting off to sleep every now and again but was too tired to go back upstairs. Especially since by the time I would make it upstairs to the bedroom, I’d be wide awake.

While watching the movie, I was getting impatient and thinking where the hell is Daniel Day-Lewis?? I knew something was off with the movie from the beginning  but thought maybe he’ll show up in the later years.

I was drifting off again and the guy playing Lincoln is hunting down somebody. The bad guy confronts Lincoln by turning into a vampire with massive fucked up teeth and comes flying at Lincoln.

What. The. Fuck?

No, this is NOT the movie with Daniel Day-Lewis.

Duh!

I said screw this and went on the computer to “window shop” on Amazon.

If you’ve ever taken ambien before, you know that’s a bad idea. Because a few days later you’ll get packages and think to yourself, I didn’t order anythin….

Ahhhhh….. it was the ambien Amazon shopping.

Certain that I successfully went on Amazon and didn’t buy anything, I finally decided to try to go back to bed. I’m pretty sure I was asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow.

The next day, I found the right Lincoln and finally got to see Daniel Day-Lewis, without the vampires.

By the way, a few days later, two packages from Amazon came in the mail.

D’oh!

*PJ Harvey- A Perfect Day Elise

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Zombies, cartoons that make you want to bang your head against a spike, and more!

I’ve been struggling to write. I’m finally coming out of this awful funk I’ve been in but feel off kilter. It’s like I need a V8. So, I thought let me ask you some goofy questions that are usually saved for my guest posters. I stopped asking these questions a while ago but why not bring them back… for you to answer.

If there’s anything you’d like to know about me, leave them in the comments. I feel weird about it because what in the hell don’t you know about me already? And from what you do know, why would you really want to know more? Ha!

Btw, if you would like to be a guest blogger on here, doesn’t matter if you have a blog or not, I would love to have you. Email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

Also, not long ago I was asked to be part of the What To Expect website. I’m very excited about it. I never expected my little blog to take me to the places it has. I’m so very thankful.

Yes, you may gag. I’m being sickly sweet right now. I blame the wine I’m currently sipping on. Not that you’re keeping up but here are the websites I occasionally write for…

What The Flicka?

Families In The Loop (a Chicago based site)

What To Expect

So, let’s get on to your questions! Answer as many or as few as you’d like. Don’t be self consious! Just say fuck it and answer them!

Ready!

Steady!

Go!

1. If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

 

A. a flame thrower.

 

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

 

C. a chainsaw.

 

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

 

E. other and what would it be?

 

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

 

2. If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone, who would it be?

 

3.  If you could drop everything and go anywhere in the world (real or fantasy), where would it be?

 

4. Favorite guilty pleasure?

 

5. If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never have to hear about them again, who would it be?

 

6. Which would you rather win? An Oscar, a Grammy, or a Tony.

 

7. What’s one of your favorite books?

 

8. What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house and/or brings you back to your teen years?

 

9. A favorite non-mommy activity?

 

10. What’s a favorite book that you like to read to your kids?

 

11. What kids cartoon or character makes you want to bang your head against a spike?

 

12. What’s one of your favorite movies?

*Billy Joel

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