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More Cowbell

Flash-Gordon

My husband needs to wear a cowbell. He’s the type of person who just sneaks up on to you out of thin air. He appears out of nowhere. Most of the time I want to tie a cowbell around his neck so I can keep track of him.

Just today, I was in the bedroom and heard the backyard door shut. It seems like not even a minute later, I start walking out of the bedroom when I see something zoom out of the corner of my eye. I’ve been a bit jumpy since I’m reading this book, and when I saw a blurred figure getting closer to me, I screamed my ass off.

He stood there looking at me like I was a crazy person and I told him he’s going to give me a fucking heart attack if he keeps this going. He’s also excellent at disappearing out of nowhere. On our second to last move, he was standing right next to me as he was talking with one of the movers.

And then, BAM, the mover asked a question, I turn to my husband, and he’s not fucking there. It’s like he has the speed of Superman. The hummingbird and I spend part of each night calling for him when she’s getting ready for bed. She’ll be calling DAD! DAD! DAAAAAAD?! while internally I’ll be thinking “What the fuckity fuck???? Where in the fuck did he fucking go???!”

My husband reminds me of this character in a movie called Dear God with Grep Kinnear. It’s a pretty cheesy but cute movie. The quick version is he’s a con artist, has to get a proper job after being arrested, works at the post office, and starts answering letters from people who write to god. It’s not religious-y though. Let’s say ‘religious-y is an actual word.

Anyway, totally getting off track. Greg Kinnear’s boss, played by the always awesome Hector Elizondo, pops up from time to time and whenever Greg’s character turns to ask him a question, Hector is gone in a flash.

Hector’s role completely encompasses my husband. He’s Flash Gordon. It can be rather annoying but we joke about it even though it irritates me to no end. I’m actually getting him a cowbell for Christmas as a joke.

I already know I’ll quickly regret that decision because not only will my husband walk around with it to annoy me, the hummingbird will get a hold of it and drive me insane but we’re getting her a drum set for Christmas so I figured it will be a good combo.

I’m a glutton for punishment….

Willingly getting a drum set for my 7 year-old. But the truth is, I want to learn to play too.

Then I can say, “Hubby, take it away. More cowbell!”

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The Likeness Is Uncanny

Well, look at that! Donald Trump is on the cover.

donald-trump-pig-in-a-wig

I already shared this fabulous photo of the misogynistic pig on my FB page, but couldn’t resist posting it here.

And if you need some brain bleach, here you go…

*The hummingbird and I can’t get enough of this song.

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I Love The Sound Of A Metal Baseball Bat Crushing A Pain In The Ass Printer

Happy holidays! I hope you’ve survived.

About six years ago, when I was pregnant with the little hummingbird, the husband and I bought a new printer. And that printer gave us nothing but problems from day one. It was the PRINTER FROM HELL!

I hated that thing and when I think of all the times I yelled and cursed at it, it probably adds up to a whole year of my life. I would frequently tell my husband that when we got a new printer, we could beat the shit out of it Office Space style.

That wonderful moment finally came yesterday. The hubby gave me an awesome new printer and after I squealed and jumped up and down, I told him we have a date with the old PRINTER FROM HELL and my metal baseball bat.

I’m not sure that the hummingbird really understood exactly what we were up to. But, after all of these years, I think she might believe that the name of a printer is actually called “Piece Of Shit!”

Forget Christmas carols. My new favorite sound for the holidays are the dings of metal on metal, crushing the PRINTER FROM HELL.

It was more satisfying than ridding myself of the crappy wooden spoon my husband and I bought when we were first married that would splinter and occasionally leave pieces of itself in our meals. The wooden spoon my husband would form an attachment to when I wanted to throw it in the trash.

Tragically, that wooden spoon had an “accident” with the garbage disposal. Oh, darn.

Or the toaster we had that my husband refused to let go of. The toaster where we had to hold down the lever or it would pop up every 30 seconds. The toaster that tragically had to be thrown away while my husband wasn’t home to protest it’s demise because one day it “just stopped working” because it “must have shorted out”. *wink*

How was your holiday? Are there any pain in the ass things that you’ve been happy to rid yourself of?

The hummingbird giving the printer from hell a few whacks.

The hummingbird giving the printer from hell a few whacks.

A video posted by Elle (@ahummingbirdoncrack) on

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The Elf On The Shelf And Peeny: Past Adventures

creepy-elf-on-the-shelfThe elf on the shelf has always creeped me out but a few years ago, I got one. I was thinking the hummingbird would love all of the cute little shenanigans this creepy elf could get into. She wasn’t interested at all.

The bird still couldn’t give a flying fuck about the creepy elf so I have my own fun with this creepy little thing every December.

I also have a very special Christmas decoration, Peeny. A very awesome, phallic decoration that my mom had for years and gave to me after much begging. Here are some of their past adventures they’ve been on over the last few years. I know, I have way too much time on my hands.

Behold, The Most Awesome Christmas Decoration. More like an Xmas Decoration.

Yippee Ki Yay Motherfucker.

Peeny’s Congressional Hearing.

Penny Helps Around The House And Then Goes Limp From Exhaustion.

The Elf On The Shelf Is Back.

Real Housewives Of The North Pole.

Peeny, the inappropriate Xmas decoration, is back.

Peeny, the inappropriate Xmas decoration, is back.

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50 Shades Of Grey: I’m Reading This Craptacular Book So You Don’t Have To. You’re Welcome.

I know, I know. Many seem to LOVE this cringeworthy, hot mess of a so-called book. Me? I’ve tried reading it twice and was only able to barely make it through the first few pages. But the movie is coming out next year and stars Mr. Hottie McHotster, Jaimie Dornan.

And yes, I will absolutely, positively see this craptastic masterpiece of a movie when it comes out on Netflix. Because I have a 5 year-old and have pretty much forgotten what a movie theater looks like.

I first noticed this gorgeous man, Jaimie Dornan, in Marie Antoinette, playing Count Fersen. Whooo! Is it getting hot in here? And I remember some scenes where he was grinding up against the lucky, lucky Kirsten Dunst.

Yeah, it is hot in here.

Now, I’m not a book snob by any means. I mean hello, I look forward to my US Weekly coming in the mail every week and may even do a happy dance when I see it. But 50 Shades Of Grey is pretty fucking awful. And that’s putting it mildly.

So, a few days ago I gave myself a little talk. I said “You know what, me? This craptastic book must be read! It’s not like you need to read it for the movie or anything. You must read it for the laughs.”

Keep in mind. There are a few universal truths:

1. Laughter really is the best medicine.

2. You need those guilty pleasures because life can be a pain in the ass.

3. Jaimie Dornan is such a hottie.

Now, this is where you may or may not come in. I would love for us to read this “book” together. And no, I won’t judge you if you’ve already read it. Or maybe even liked it. Okay, I probably will judge you but that’s besides the point. I promise not to hold it against you.

We need to read this book together, have some laughs, and snark the shit out of it.

I will try my best to give weekly updates on it and you are more than welcome to do the same. Whether you put your take on it in the comment section of my blog, on my FB page, or if you have your own blog and aren’t worried about your readers and/or family members questioning your life choices and sanity.

Whatever the case may be, if I have your permission, I’ll include your views of this book in the updates or link the post you write on your blog.

So, who’s with me?

Don’t worry, if you’re all for it and want to participate but then decide not to, no big deal.

So, ladies… this week, we will be reading the first 4 chapters.

Remember, Jaimie Dornan is counting on us!

Oh my, excuse me while I stick my head in the freezer and cool off.

Hot damn, this man is fine!

Hot damn, this man is fine!

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How To Survive A Visit From Your In Laws

1324012756612_5703688My in laws have finally left and surprisingly, I survived. I pretty much avoided them and stayed out of their way as much as possible. Unless of course they took us out to eat. Because HELLO, FREE FOOD! Who the hell doesn’t like a free meal?! Nobody, that’s who.

If I didn’t avoid them as much as I was able to, I would probably be writing this with pencil and paper from a prison cell. I would’ve been all Orange Is The New Black but really though, orange just isn’t my color.

Well, it isn’t really anyone’s color, except for maybe super hotties like Mark Ruffalo, Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, Liev Schrieber, or perhaps even the always gorgeous Kerry Washington and Robin Wright.

But I’m totally getting off point here.

For the low, low price of zilch, zero, nada, you too can follow these easy steps to survive your visiting in laws.

Take notes, people! There may be a pop quiz later on.

Step 1: Drink… A Lot. Vodka or wine in a coffee mug is a great choice. Especially one that has been hand painted by your child. It will look sweet and innocent but at the same time, you’ll be getting plastered. It’s a win win.

Hiding your alcohol intake will be one less thing your mother in law will judge you by and bitch about. It will also make it more tolerable and entertaining when your in laws tell you stories about your spouse growing up that you’ve heard 1oo times before.

Step 2: Fake an illness (cramps, bloating, pms, mad cow disease, problematic anal warts) and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Make sure to let out a few groans of pain in their presence.

Step 3: Fake raging diarrhea and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Nobody questions diarrhea. Ever.

Step 4: See steps 1-3.

Happy visiting!

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Like a bowl full of jelly.

burningbra1

I absolutely hate wearing a bra and for years I thought I found a way to avoid putting one on by wearing a jacket.

I never said I was the brightest bulb.

I figured my big boobs would be hidden with a jacket so I wouldn’t have to wear that fucking elastic torture device. During the winter, my plan is pretty awesome since I wear a bulky coat that keeps the twins in line.

In the spring, I try to get away with wearing a jacket for as long as possible to avoid a bra, even when it warms up and I’ll be hot as hell with sweat dripping down my face and running down my armpits.

Anything is better than wearing a bra.

Last week, the hummingbird and I were walking into Target and I was wearing a sweater jacket to avoid the dreaded bra.

The bird was asking why I was wearing it since it was warm out.

Hummingbird: You don’t need a jacket, mommy. It’s nice out.

Me: I know, but I can’t take it off since I’m not wearing a bra.

Hummingbird: Why not?

Me: If I took my jacket off, then everyone can see my boobs jiggling all over and flapping around. My jacket hides that.

Hummingbird: But mommy, you’re boobs ARE flapping around all over the place. I can see them bouncing around even with the jacket.

Nooooo! I thought I found a bra loophole and while I assumed my boobs were under wraps, I’ve been a hot and sweaty mess by roasting in jackets that don’t cover these suckers up after all.

My plan has been foiled all this time without me realizing it. Damn it!

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