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And then this guy turns into a vampire and I thought, this definitely isn’t the same Lincoln starring Daniel Day-Lewis. Or maybe it is and Abraham Lincoln was a bad ass vampire slayer back in the day.

By Elle on May 23, 2013 in i know i'm strange, i miss my brain

Abraham Lincoln… Vampire Slayer?

I know I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. It became much worse since I had the hummingbird.

My main focus is on the hummingbird and when it comes to everything else, I’ll be “Huh? What? I’m sorry? You what? What did you say? Ummm…what? Huh?” and it will just be over something like my husband asking if I’d like tacos for dinner.

First off, if tacos are the question, the answer is ALWAYS yes. Secondly, now I want tacos.

Okay, focus.

So, the other night I decided to watch Lincoln.

I had taken an ambien and 2 hours later I was still wide awake and a little loopy from it but got out of bed because I was restless. I looked through the guide channel on the television and bought the movie for 3.99.

I swear it was the Daniel Day-Lewis version. I still have that version on my DVR and sure enough it shows DDL being in it.

Well, DirecTV must have been sniffing gas fumes because it wasn’t the right Lincoln. But it took my genius ass a while to figure that out.

As soon as I started playing the movie and got cozy on the couch, I was drifting off to sleep every now and again but was too tired to go back upstairs. Especially since by the time I would make it upstairs to the bedroom, I’d be wide awake.

While watching the movie, I was getting impatient and thinking where the hell is Daniel Day-Lewis?? I knew something was off with the movie from the beginning but thought maybe he’ll show up in the later years.

I was drifting off again and the guy playing Lincoln is hunting down a somebody. The bad guy confronts Lincoln by turning into a vampire with massive fucked up teeth and comes flying at Lincoln.

What. The. Fuck?

No, this is NOT the movie with Daniel Day-Lewis.

Duh!

I said screw this and went on the computer to “window shop” on Amazon.

If you’ve ever taken ambien before, you know that’s a bad idea. Because a few days later you’ll get packages and think to yourself, I didn’t order anythin….

Ahhhhh….. it was the ambien Amazon shopping.

Certain that I successfully went on Amazon and didn’t buy anything, I finally decided to try to go back to bed. I’m pretty sure I was asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow.

The next day, I found the right Lincoln and finally got to see Daniel Day-Lewis, without the vampires.

By the way, a few days later, two packages from Amazon came in the mail.

D’oh!

*PJ Harvey- A Perfect Day Elise

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Zombies, cartoons that make you want to bang your head against a spike, and more!

By Elle on May 3, 2013 in i know i'm strange, love, my brain is melting, this and that

I’ve been struggling to write. I’m finally coming out of this awful funk I’ve been in but feel off kilter. It’s like I need a V8. So, I thought let me ask you some goofy questions that are usually saved for my guest posters. I stopped asking these questions a while ago but why not bring them back… for you to answer.

If there’s anything you’d like to know about me, leave them in the comments. I feel weird about it because what in the hell don’t you know about me already? And from what you do know, why would you really want to know more? Ha!

Btw, if you would like to be a guest blogger on here, doesn’t matter if you have a blog or not, I would love to have you. Email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

Also, not long ago I was asked to be part of the What To Expect website. I’m very excited about it. I never expected my little blog to take me to the places it has. I’m so very thankful.

Yes, you may gag. I’m being sickly sweet right now. I blame the wine I’m currently sipping on. Not that you’re keeping up but here are the websites I occasionally write for…

What The Flicka?

Families In The Loop (a Chicago based site)

What To Expect

So, let’s get on to your questions! Answer as many or as few as you’d like. Don’t be self consious! Just say fuck it and answer them!

Ready!

Steady!

Go!

1. If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

2. If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone, who would it be?

3. If you could drop everything and go anywhere in the world (real or fantasy), where would it be?

4. Favorite guilty pleasure?

5. If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never have to hear about them again, who would it be?

6. Which would you rather win? An Oscar, a Grammy, or a Tony.

7. What’s one of your favorite books?

8. What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house and/or brings you back to your teen years?

9. A favorite non-mommy activity?

10. What’s a favorite book that you like to read to your kids?

11. What kids cartoon or character makes you want to bang your head against a spike?

12. What’s one of your favorite movies?

*Billy Joel

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From the “I had no clue” parenting files. You will obsesses over your child’s poop for at least the first year. Then again when they’re potty training

By Elle on March 29, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, holy hell, i know i'm strange, mommyhood, new mommyhood, the little hummingbird, too much info

This baby is making my uterus twitch. Nooo!

Even with the parenting and birthing classes I took when I was pregnant with the hummingbird, what I wasn’t expecting was that my husband and I would become crazy about her poop. Yes… her poop.

How much, what color, the consistency, how many wipes it took, did she have a diaper blowout? We knew the dates of certain poops and even the times filed away in our heads.

Yes, shit took over our lives that first year in particular.

When we would be talking about it, sometimes I would think to myself, fuck, I’ve become “that” parent because I could give you hours of talking about my daughter’s poop.

I had no idea that shit would take over my life so much.

The poop talk died down a few years ago but now, since we’re still in potty training mode, the talk has come back with a vengeance.

I am simply amazed at how such a ginormous poop can come out of such a little girl.

As happy as I am that the hummingbird has been doing really good with potty training, the one thing that sucks is I have an extremely weak stomach. I am the dry heave master. Anything can set it off.

So when I hear MOMMY!!! Come wipe my booty!!”, I admit I cringe a little. For some reason, poopy diapers didn’t bother me as much as wiping the butt of my 3 year-old.

But I’ll take it over the endless amount of diapers that we’ve been through.

Btw, the hummingbird has been doing so good with potty training at school as well. No accidents there. She has had a few at home and seeing her face broke my heart. I could tell how embarrassed she was but I try to push it into her head that accidents are okay.

Now excuse me. I have a booty to go wipe. No, smartass, not mine.

Did poop take over your household when you had kids?

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Out of the loop.

By Elle on March 19, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, i know i'm strange, like totally awesome

Water Bear

I used to pride myself on being the queen of useless information, even after the little hummingbird was born. Now, I seem to be the last to know about things and kind of miss her floppy, I can’t hold up my head, baby days.

The hummingbird is full of zoom and will be 4 next month… excuse me… “WHY?! Sweet Baby Jeebus, WHY?!”

Ahem.

So, I give you my out of the loop news. It’s shit that I had no idea about until way after it happened. Translation…. could be a few days later or years later.

First up… my new girl crush, Angelica Duria. If only news weather people could be this awesome.

I completely missed this video that went viral of a guy pushing his girlfriend off of a cliff. “I’m breaking up with you!!!” (More of the story is here.)

I came across a water bear on Pinterest. I’ve never heard of it before but now find them to be very odd and cool. These moss eating water bears can live in a dehydrated state for years. Tardigrades: Water Bears!

Have you come across any news (strange, funny, celebrity, science, quirky, etc.) you’d like to share? Email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

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Peenterest: The Penis Burger

By Elle on March 4, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, i know i'm strange, life is funny

~~~~~~~~~~

Happy Monday!

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Sit On My Face

By Elle on January 4, 2013 in i know i'm strange

So, I came across something earlier today. It’s a site for chairs that have pictures on them. Like this….

photo courtesy of facechairs

OMG, I can finally sit on Ryan Gosling’s face for the price of 374.00!

I was really disappointed to see that the Snookie chair was more expensive (450!!) than Ryan’s. Say it ain’t so!!!

Anyway, my birthday is next week so now I know what to tell my husband to get me.

A ride on Ryan’s face.

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Radioactive

By Elle on December 28, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, i know i'm strange

Since I rarely keep my mouth shut on here, the medical treatment I’m having is 10 days of radiation therapy. I don’t have cancer…it isn’t anything like that….but that’s where it gets complicated and boring.

I’ve been putting it off because of the 5 hours of hellish driving I’ll be doing every day but more importantly, I’ve been thinking about glowing in the dark and superheroes.

It seems like most superhero stories have radioactive accidents. Duh, haven’t they learned anything from reading other superhero stories?

Stay away from radioactive spiders, don’t fall into radioactive vats of radioactive goo, ummmm….. that’s as far as my superhero knowledge goes. And I think it was the Joker or Catwoman who fell into radioactive goo…maybe?

So, while trying to go to sleep for the past week, I’ve been lying in bed thinking of all the animals I could be crossed with during my therapy treatment.

Yeah, I don’t get me either.

I’ve decided if I’m going to be mutated with anything, I want it to be with a rabbit. I reluctantly decided that my rabbit vibrator wouldn’t be a good choice and settled on a real rabbit.

I really doubt that a wild rabbit would hop into Stanford Hospital, get its little bunny butt into an elevator, press the button of the floor with his little bunny paw, hop through the hallways, somehow find me and hop into the room where I’m getting my treatment done, and at just the right moment, hop all over me as soon as those radioactive rays hit me.

But, you never know.

Maybe if I was half rabbit, half woman, I’d have more energy but I couldn’t imagine how much it would be to get waxed every week and I’d also have to hop which would be a problem because of my D’s.

Not that I’ve given any of this much thought or anything.