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Trying To Explain What A Ninja Is To My 5 Year-Old Is Harder Than I Thought… Even With Reenactments.


So, the title started out as a tweet and a status update on Facebook. But then I started thinking of all the times I need to explain what words mean to the hummingbird.

Needless to say, kids are expert question people. As they should be. But at the same time, I mostly feel like the dumbest person on the planet when I try to explain things to my daughter.

It’s exactly like assignments I would get every now and then while in school. With the teacher saying you need to write a paper explaining a specific topic as if nobody else in the room knew anything about it.

I would think “I’m so glad school won’t last forever so I don’t have to do these kind of things!”

Then I had a kid.

Why the hell isn’t this in What To Expect?!

Chapter 14: When Your Child Asks You A Question And You Don’t Know What The Fuck To Say.

Step 1: Tell them to go ask their father, neighbor, best friend, cat, wild raccoon in the backyard, etc.

Step 2: If that fails, offer them a cookie so you can divert their attention away from a question that will take days to explain, complete with charts, graphs, reenactments, more explaining, and several bottles of wine.

Get with it, baby book people!

Somehow, the word ninja came up in conversation and the hummingbird asked what that meant.

Uhhhh. Ummm. Well…

Ninja means someone is a… ummm, uhhh.

The way I tried to explain what a ninja was to my daughter caused her to have more questions and that’s when I pulled out some moves.

I started punching the air with my fists and doing high kicks.

I could only imagine how I looked.

There was another time recently when I gave my daughter some pirate’s booty for a snack. She said they seemed weird so I tasted one and told her they’re stale. I didn’t think anything of it.

She was quiet for a minute and then asked me what stale means. That led me to ramble on about what stale is and I even threw in how mostly crackers and bread can get stale but food in the freezer can go stale in a different way and get freezer burn.

That led to even more questions and it was the longest 15 minute car ride ever!

I don’t always know how to explain things to her and when I do, it leads to more questions and I’m sure I overload her with all kinds of information.

Then, there are those awkward times when you aren’t quite sure how to approach a matter with your child. It can be easy to forget their innocence.

As I kissed her goodnight and was about to leave my 5 year-old’s room, she asked me how a baby gets into a mom’s belly.

Uhhh. Ummm. Well…

I was taken by surprise and said when 2 people want a child, a baby grows in the mom’s tummy. She knew I was leaving something out and had a sly look on her face when she asked “So, a baby just crawls into a mom’s belly?”

I said yes. Mostly because it was late and wasn’t at all prepared to talk about sex. But that’s what ended up happening. A very strange and awkward conversation about how babies are made.

Something I thought, when the time came, I would explain in a clear manner but ended up sounding like Porky Pig.

She was still full of questions and that’s when I pulled the “Why don’t you wait and ask your dad those questions tomorrow.”

By the next day, it was forgotten so my husband escaped the topic but I’m sure when it comes up again, I’ll be the one she asks.

And then I will refer her to the wild raccoons that roam in our backyard at night. They would probably make more sense explaining these kinds of things to my kid anyway.

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A two minute break… it never fails.

railroad1Whenever I try to do anything, I can always trust that my 4 year-old daughter will be there to ask tons of questions. Most of the questions seem unrelated to me but I’m sure in her mind, it all makes sense.

It’s kind of like when the hummingbird carried a camera tripod 2 floors up, from the basement to the bedroom recently. We had no idea why she’d do that and it didn’t make any sense. But then I took a step back and looked at the tripod from her view.

After she talked about wanting to go camping, I realized she was using the camera tripod, in her pretend play, as a campfire.

I thought that was pretty clever of her.

Her: Mommy? MOMMY??

Me: In here!

Her: Mommy? What are you doing? Where’s my pink shirt with the stars? Hurry up, mommy… can you braid my hair? Where’s my brush? I can’t find a barrette.

MOMMY? Where did my brush go? Oh! I found my pink shirt. Mommy, I’m stuck! Help, Mommy, Help!

Me: Come here, then!

Her: *walks in with shirt stuck over head* I want to wear my pink shirt now.

Me: But you just changed 5 minutes ago.

Her: Please… just for a little bit. *brings up hand and puts 2 fingers a few inches a part*

Me: No, sweetie. Why don’t you save that for tomorrow.

Her: Please. Just a little bit?

Me *why does she have to be so damn cute?!* Okay, you can.

Her: Yay! Can you braid my hair now. No, I want a ponytail instead.

Me: Just give me a minute.

Her: But I REALLY need a ponytail now. Here’s my brush. Can I have two braids instead? I want to wear my purple barrette. I’m getting hungry. Can you get a snack for me mommy… please?

Me: Yes, just give me one minute.

Her: Okay… yay! Can I have goldfish? What’s tomorrow? When are we going to Target? What’s for dinner tonight? Do you know where my Cinderella dress is? I want to wear my purple headband. Have you seen it?

MOMMY…. I can’t find it. Where’s my purple headband?

Can we go bicycle? I want to ride across the railroad tracks. Can we, mom? Are Olivia and Jeremy home yet? I want to ride with Olivia. Can we go by their house?

Please help me put my Cinderella dress on.

Me: Okay, but put your shirt back on because the dress will be itchy.

Her: But I don’t want to wear that shirt anymore. It got a tiny bit of water on it. I’ll just wear my dress.

Me: I know you’ll need your shirt back on so let’s just do that before you put on the dress.

Her: I’ll be fine. *puts on dress* Thank you.

Mommy? Mom? My dress is itchy. Can you help me take it off?

I know. I’ll wear my shirt under it. Can we go now? Can I watch Peppa later? When is Saturday? Do I go to school tomorrow? Are you almost done?


Can I have some root beer? Just a little bit?


~the kind of conversation that usually takes place in the 2 minutes when I try to pee

*You’ve Changed

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Things that go THUNK in the dryer.


When the little hummingbird was younger, we had a video monitor for her. The monitor was portable and I carried that thing all around the house while she was napping because Oh My Gawd, what if something happened to her while she was napping and I missed it.

Aggghhh!!! I can’t miss it!!

One day she was actually napping hard, YAY, and I rushed around to throw some laundry into the washer. As I’m sure you know, kids LOVE to psych us out and once you actually have some free time, BOOM, they wake up.

Or they do something like fall asleep 10 minutes before nap time is over so you have to wake them up because they’ll never go to sleep at their normal bedtime and you’ll be up all night with a very hyper hummingbird.

I swear they do this on purpose.


I grabbed the laundry, threw the video monitor on top of the clothes in the basket, and raced downstairs.

Then I waited for the little bird to wake up.

Surprisingly she didn’t. Woo hoo!

I was actually able to have lunch and watch some trash t.v. while she was still napping.


I went to throw the laundry in the dryer and then went back upstairs to do a little writing.

I kept on hearing this THUNK, THUNK, THUNK and got up to look around but couldn’t find the source.

Thunk, THUNK!

What the fuck is that noise?!

I walked around upstairs again, trying to find out what the hell the noise was. Our cats were passed out on our bed for their 22 hour nap so they weren’t the cause of the noise.

So, I went downstairs to investigate further.



Then I followed it into the laundry room and heard it coming from the dryer.

I waited a minute and quickly opened up the dryer like I was going to catch whatever it was making that noise in the act.

Just clothes.

What the hell?

I turned on the dryer again and the thunking noise started.

I took all of the clothes out of the dryer, looked through the basket and nada. Just clothes.

The clothes went back in the dryer and the THUNK… THUNK started again.

Fuck it. I closed the laundry room door to muffle the noise.

By that time, the hummingbird was awake.

It wasn’t until later that night that I remembered I had laundry in the dryer so I put it on a short cycle to get out the wrinkles and the thunking started again.

Fine, be that way dryer.

I had another load of clothes in the washer so of course I took the thunking clothes that I had in the dryer, put it in the basket, and let it sit for a few hours.

My husband and I were getting ready for bed and he asked where the video monitor was.

Ummmm, I have no idea, I told him.

Then it came to me.

Oh fuck, I don’t remember taking the monitor out of the clothes basket before I put them in the washer.

I ran downstairs, grabbed the basket of clothes, and took it upstairs where I dumped the clothes all over the bed.

That’s one way to get me to fold the clothes.

That’s when I found the battered video monitor.


So THAT is what was making the THUNK noise.


I felt like such a dumbass, especially since the monitor wasn’t cheap.

My husband was still looking around the house for the monitor when I told him I found it… but your wife is a total dork.

He was optimistic and really thought the monitor would still work.


Because we were still relatively new parents, it sucked not being able to check on our daughter that night with the monitor but I got up a few hundred times to make sure she was okay.

The next day, we went out and got a new video monitor. And I never threw it on top of a basket of clothes while the hummingbird was napping and I was doing laundry.

Okay, yes, I still did it since I like living on the edge but I learned my lesson and never washed and dried another baby monitor again.

Now, I just wash rocks and the occasional remote control the hummingbird sneaks into the clothes basket.

*Hotel Yorba

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And then this guy turns into a vampire and I thought, this definitely isn’t the same Lincoln with Daniel Day-Lewis. Or maybe it is and Abraham Lincoln was a bad ass vampire slayer back in the day.

Abraham Lincoln... Vampire Slayer?

President Abraham Lincoln… Vampire Slayer?

I know I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. It became much worse since I had the hummingbird.

My main focus is on the hummingbird and when it comes to everything else, I’ll be “Huh? What? I’m sorry? You what? What did you say? Ummm…what? Huh?” and it will just be over something like my husband asking if I’d like tacos for dinner.

First off, if tacos are the question, the answer is ALWAYS yes. Secondly, now I want tacos.

Okay, focus.

So, the other night I decided to watch Lincoln.

I had taken an ambien and 2 hours later I was still wide awake and a little loopy from it but got out of bed because I was restless. I looked through the guide channel on the television and bought the movie for 3.99.

I swear it was the Daniel Day-Lewis version. I still have that version on my DVR and sure enough it shows DDL being in it.

Well, DirecTV must have been sniffing gas fumes because it wasn’t the right Lincoln. But it took my genius ass a while to figure that out.

As soon as I started playing the movie and got cozy on the couch, I was drifting off to sleep every now and again but was too tired to go back upstairs. Especially since by the time I would make it upstairs to the bedroom, I’d be wide awake.

While watching the movie, I was getting impatient and thinking where the hell is Daniel Day-Lewis?? I knew something was off with the movie from the beginning  but thought maybe he’ll show up in the later years.

I was drifting off again and the guy playing Lincoln is hunting down somebody. The bad guy confronts Lincoln by turning into a vampire with massive fucked up teeth and comes flying at Lincoln.

What. The. Fuck?

No, this is NOT the movie with Daniel Day-Lewis.


I said screw this and went on the computer to “window shop” on Amazon.

If you’ve ever taken ambien before, you know that’s a bad idea. Because a few days later you’ll get packages and think to yourself, I didn’t order anythin….

Ahhhhh….. it was the ambien Amazon shopping.

Certain that I successfully went on Amazon and didn’t buy anything, I finally decided to try to go back to bed. I’m pretty sure I was asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow.

The next day, I found the right Lincoln and finally got to see Daniel Day-Lewis, without the vampires.

By the way, a few days later, two packages from Amazon came in the mail.


*PJ Harvey- A Perfect Day Elise

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Trying to explain what gay means to my 4 year-old and finding out I have no idea what to say.

No-Hate1Now that she’s almost 4, the hummingbird is asking questions that can be harder to answer than I thought, as she doesn’t really understand.

I’m clueless as to how to talk to her about religion, being gay, my side of the looney family tree, and every other freaking thing I thought I would figure out how to explain when it eventually came along but having no idea after all.

She absolutely LOVES the song Call Me Maybe and requests to watch the video on you tube. Sidenote: She’s also requesting Adele… I finally have a parenting win!! Screw you, Elmo!

If you haven’t seen already, at the end of the video for Call Me Maybe, the guy ends up giving his number to another guy in the video. The hummingbird asked why. I said because that boy likes other boys.

She didn’t understand so I said that boy doesn’t like girls, but boys, because he’s gay. I didn’t even think I would be opening up a whole other can of worms when I used the word gay.

I gave her the most simple answer I could think of. When you’re gay, boys like other boys and girls like other girls.

Like Madison?, she answered.

Me: No, Madison is your friend from preschool and while you’re best friends, you like her in a different way.

Hummingbird…. ???

Me: Ummmm…. uhhhh… look, a squirrel!

Hummingbird…. They’re friends?

Me…. Yes, they’re friends but that also means they like the same sex… digging myself fucking deeper.

Hummingbird: Why does he like the other boy?

Me… When boys like other boys and girls like other girls, that means they are gay. It’s not a bad thing and you can choose whoever you want to love… when you’re 40 and I finally let you move out of the house and date.

Hummingbird: Gives me the “what the fuck, mommy?!” look.

Me:…. When boys like boys… (yes, that’s the ONLY thing I could think of and kept on repeating that, thinking it would help her to understand. Guess what? It didn’t… big fucking surprise).

Hummingbird: …..??

Me: Because he was born that way….

Baby, I was born this way.

Ooh, there ain’t no other way.

Baby, I was born this way.

I’m on the right track, baby.

I was born this way.

Okay, maybe I only said that first part.

Anyway, I remember I asked my mom what gay meant when I was about 10 and we were watching Queen play live on the television. I kind of understood it but didn’t really. That makes total sense, right?

I know I was naive but in the parenting guide book that I have in my mind,  I wasn’t even thinking or expecting to answer these kind of questions for a little while.

I don’t want to fuck it up.

I’ve always planned on teaching the hummingbird to have an open mind but I skipped the whole part on how to actually teach her that.

I’m at a loss at how to explain what it means to be gay to my soon to be 4 year-old.

Should I get out the sock puppets? Those are usually my solution for practically everything. Bad day, sore throat, an underwear wedgie, dismemberment? Sock puppets to the rescue!!

Okay, sock puppets aren’t always the answer. Yes, yes they are.

Have you had “the talk” yet?  Have any suggestions on how I can make it understandable to someone so young? 

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My brain has taken a temporary leave of absence.

I have no idea if my brain is on information overload this week or what the deal is. But I haven’t been able to write this week. I think I may have broken my brain.

I will hopefully be able to return to my regularly scheduled nonsense in the following days.

In the meantime, I shall stare at Ryan Gosling and Johnny Depp.


Benny and Joon... one of the best movies of all time.

Benny and Joon… one of the best movies of all time.

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This Is Sewious!

The Wonder Pets have now invaded our house. As much as it annoys the hell out of me, every time I see it, I can’t help but think of one thing.

Whenever I see Linny, I ALWAYS think of John Goodman from Roseanne. I’m telling you, they’re twins.

linnyandjohngoodmanSo, maybe it’s just me but I’ll ask you this. Have you ever seen John Goodman and Linny in the same place, at the same time? Well, there you go.

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