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And then this guy turns into a vampire and I thought, this definitely isn’t the same Lincoln starring Daniel Day-Lewis. Or maybe it is and Abraham Lincoln was a bad ass vampire slayer back in the day.

By Elle on May 23, 2013 in i know i'm strange, i miss my brain

President Abraham Lincoln… Vampire Slayer?

I know I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed. It became much worse since I had the hummingbird.

My main focus is on the hummingbird and when it comes to everything else, I’ll be “Huh? What? I’m sorry? You what? What did you say? Ummm…what? Huh?” and it will just be over something like my husband asking if I’d like tacos for dinner.

First off, if tacos are the question, the answer is ALWAYS yes. Secondly, now I want tacos.

Okay, focus.

So, the other night I decided to watch Lincoln.

I had taken an ambien and 2 hours later I was still wide awake and a little loopy from it but got out of bed because I was restless. I looked through the guide channel on the television and bought the movie for 3.99.

I swear it was the Daniel Day-Lewis version. I still have that version on my DVR and sure enough it shows DDL being in it.

Well, DirecTV must have been sniffing gas fumes because it wasn’t the right Lincoln. But it took my genius ass a while to figure that out.

As soon as I started playing the movie and got cozy on the couch, I was drifting off to sleep every now and again but was too tired to go back upstairs. Especially since by the time I would make it upstairs to the bedroom, I’d be wide awake.

While watching the movie, I was getting impatient and thinking where the hell is Daniel Day-Lewis?? I knew something was off with the movie from the beginning but thought maybe he’ll show up in the later years.

I was drifting off again and the guy playing Lincoln is hunting down somebody. The bad guy confronts Lincoln by turning into a vampire with massive fucked up teeth and comes flying at Lincoln.

What. The. Fuck?

No, this is NOT the movie with Daniel Day-Lewis.

Duh!

I said screw this and went on the computer to “window shop” on Amazon.

If you’ve ever taken ambien before, you know that’s a bad idea. Because a few days later you’ll get packages and think to yourself, I didn’t order anythin….

Ahhhhh….. it was the ambien Amazon shopping.

Certain that I successfully went on Amazon and didn’t buy anything, I finally decided to try to go back to bed. I’m pretty sure I was asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow.

The next day, I found the right Lincoln and finally got to see Daniel Day-Lewis, without the vampires.

By the way, a few days later, two packages from Amazon came in the mail.

D’oh!

*PJ Harvey- A Perfect Day Elise

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Trying to explain what gay means to my 4 year-old and finding out I have no idea what to say.

By Elle on March 17, 2013 in daughter, i miss my brain, the little hummingbird

Now that she’s almost 4, the hummingbird is asking questions that can be harder to answer than I thought, as she doesn’t really understand.

I’m clueless as to how to talk to her about religion, being gay, my side of the looney family tree, and every other freaking thing I thought I would figure out how to explain when it eventually came along but having no idea after all.

She absolutely LOVES the song Call Me Maybe and requests to watch the video on you tube. Sidenote: She’s also requesting Adele… I finally have a parenting win!! Screw you, Elmo!

If you haven’t seen already, at the end of the video for Call Me Maybe, the guy ends up giving his number to another guy in the video. The hummingbird asked why. I said because that boy likes other boys.

She didn’t understand so I said that boy doesn’t like girls, but boys, because he’s gay. I didn’t even think I would be opening up a whole other can of worms when I used the word gay.

I gave her the most simple answer I could think of. When you’re gay, boys like other boys and girls like other girls.

Like Madison?, she answered.

Me: No, Madison is your friend from preschool and while you’re best friends, you like her in a different way.

Hummingbird…. ???

Me: Ummmm…. uhhhh… look, a squirrel!

Hummingbird…. They’re friends?

Me…. Yes, they’re friends but that also means they like the same sex… digging myself fucking deeper.

Hummingbird: Why does he like the other boy?

Me… When boys like other boys and girls like other girls, that means they are gay. It’s not a bad thing and you can choose whoever you want to love… when you’re 40 and I finally let you move out of the house and date.

Hummingbird: Gives me the “what the fuck, mommy?!” look.

Me:…. When boys like boys… (yes, that’s the ONLY thing I could think of and kept on repeating that, thinking it would help her to understand. Guess what? It didn’t… big fucking surprise).

Hummingbird: …..??

Me: Because he was born that way….

Baby, I was born this way.

Ooh, there ain’t no other way.

Baby, I was born this way.

I’m on the right track, baby.

I was born this way.

Okay, maybe I only said that first part.

Anyway, I remember I asked my mom what gay meant when I was about 10 and we were watching Queen play live on the television. I kind of understood it but didn’t really. That makes total sense, right?

I know I was naive but in the parenting guide book that I have in my mind, I wasn’t even thinking or expecting to answer these kind of questions for a little while.

I don’t want to fuck it up.

I’ve always planned on teaching the hummingbird to have an open mind but I skipped the whole part on how to actually teach her that.

I’m at a loss at how to explain what it means to be gay to my soon to be 4 year-old.

Should I get out the sock puppets? Those are usually my solution for practically everything. Bad day, sore throat, an underwear wedgie, dismemberment? Sock puppets to the rescue!!

Okay, sock puppets aren’t always the answer. ~~Yes, yes they are.~~

Have you had “the talk” yet? Have any suggestions on how I can make it understandable to someone so young?

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My brain has taken a temporary leave of absence.

By Elle on March 14, 2013 in i miss my brain

I have no idea if my brain is on information overload this week or what the deal is. But I haven’t been able to write this week. I think I may have broken my brain.

I will hopefully be able to return to my regularly scheduled nonsense in the following days.

In the meantime, I shall stare at Ryan Gosling and Johnny Depp.

Benny and Joon… one of the best movies of all time.

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This Is Sewious!

By Elle on December 30, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, i miss my brain

The Wonder Pets have now invaded our house. As much as it annoys the hell out of me, every time I see it, I can’t help but think of one thing.

Whenever I see Linny, I ALWAYS think of John Goodman from Roseanne. I’m telling you, they’re twins.

So, maybe it’s just me but I’ll ask you this. Have you ever seen John Goodman and Linny in the same place, at the same time? Well, there you go.

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Yippee Ki Yay Motherf*cker!

By Elle on December 4, 2012 in i know i'm strange, i miss my brain, life is funny

Ride ‘em cowboy!

Peeny and the elf are together at last.

Update: I found a free download of Santa Stationary that says : “From the desk of Santa Claus”. It would be really cute to write a little note “from Santa” on Christmas morning.

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This is one of the reasons why parents lose their minds.

By Elle on October 26, 2012 in i miss my brain, mommyhood, the little hummingbird

My dear daughter has loved certain you tube videos over the last few years and I don’t know how I survived each phase.

There was the Elmo duck song, ummmm, let’s see, I can’t even remember what else because I lost my mind years ago by having to watch these videos, not once, but 5,468,672 times.

They may have been cute the first 2,000 times but then they get stuck in my mind and melt my brain.

These 2 videos are currently in frequent rotation at my house.

The first song was learned in preschool and I just happened to find it for her the other day so she could learn all of it.

Then she saw the I Love Apples video and went wild for it. I have to admit, it may melt my brain but hearing the little hummingbird sing the song is adorable.

When I listen to that song, I imagine a few guys getting really stoned and thinking “WOW, I LOVE APPLES, MAN” and then writing a song about it.

I think I even hear a bong in the background. Or maybe it’s an apple pipe to smoke a bowl so they could get through the song.

If you want to know why parents can be frazzled and may lose their minds, this is one of the many reasons why.

Excuse me while I go eat an apple.

Here’s something to cleanse the palate…

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Put The Lotion In The Basket

By Elle on October 23, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, i miss my brain, mommyhood, the little hummingbird

I’ve never actually seen The Silence Of The Lambs (where the title of the post came from, in case you didn’t already know) all the way through because it was way too fucked up for me and that’s saying something.

That reminds me of the time when years ago, I gave my hubby the very easy task of going out and picking whatever movie he wanted and he came back with Hannibal, the sequel (?) to The Silence Of The Lambs. That was the end of his DVD renting days.

Anyway, the three of us have been sick. There’s snot flying around and I even coughed up my liver. Don’t believe me? Here’s the proof on Twitter. I swear this is all somehow related to each other…kind of…maybe.

So, last week, when I felt like I was dying and was laying on my bed trying to rest with the hummingbird fluttering about, she grabbed my lotion off of my nightstand and said she needed to put on sunblock.

Since she felt hot from her fever, she thought she needed it. I think that’s pretty damn cute.

Anyway, I let her take it and figured what’s the worst that can happen. Hahahahaha.

She was in the bathroom for I don’t know how long, and I kept calling her to come lay back down in the bed.

Yeah, right, like that’s going to happen.

Then she yelled out MOMMY, COME HERE!

Oh shit, I thought, what did she do?

When I found her in her bedroom, she was naked and COVERED in lotion. The hummingbird had even climbed up a shelf in her closet and was just sitting there like nothing was going on.

I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in a long time. I tried lifting her up off the shelf, which took a few times, and then the little sucker got away from me as I tried to wipe the lotion off.

The hummingbird’s hair and chest got the worst of the lotion aka what she thought was sunblock. I felt like I was chasing a greased pig all over the house because she would just slip right out of my hands once I would catch her.

I was chasing her with a towel to wipe her off and I finally got enough of the lotion off of her while she was running around. Of course, I had to take a few seconds to tweet about it.

There is something about being 3 and getting naked throughout the day, and at the weirdest times.