So, the title started out as a tweet and a status update on Facebook. But then I started thinking of all the times I need to explain what words mean to the hummingbird.
Needless to say, kids are expert question people. As they should be. But at the same time, I mostly feel like the dumbest person on the planet when I try to explain things to my daughter.
It’s exactly like assignments I would get every now and then while in school. With the teacher saying you need to write a paper explaining a specific topic as if nobody else in the room knew anything about it.
I would think “I’m so glad school won’t last forever so I don’t have to do these kind of things!”
Then I had a kid.
Why the hell isn’t this in What To Expect?!
Chapter 14: When Your Child Asks You A Question And You Don’t Know What The Fuck To Say.
Step 1: Tell them to go ask their father, neighbor, best friend, cat, wild raccoon in the backyard, etc.
Step 2: If that fails, offer them a cookie so you can divert their attention away from a question that will take days to explain, complete with charts, graphs, reenactments, more explaining, and several bottles of wine.
Get with it, baby book people!
Somehow, the word ninja came up in conversation and the hummingbird asked what that meant.
Uhhhh. Ummm. Well…
Ninja means someone is a… ummm, uhhh.
The way I tried to explain what a ninja was to my daughter caused her to have more questions and that’s when I pulled out some moves.
I started punching the air with my fists and doing high kicks.
I could only imagine how I looked.
There was another time recently when I gave my daughter some pirate’s booty for a snack. She said they seemed weird so I tasted one and told her they’re stale. I didn’t think anything of it.
She was quiet for a minute and then asked me what stale means. That led me to ramble on about what stale is and I even threw in how mostly crackers and bread can get stale but food in the freezer can go stale in a different way and get freezer burn.
That led to even more questions and it was the longest 15 minute car ride ever!
I don’t always know how to explain things to her and when I do, it leads to more questions and I’m sure I overload her with all kinds of information.
Then, there are those awkward times when you aren’t quite sure how to approach a matter with your child. It can be easy to forget their innocence.
As I kissed her goodnight and was about to leave my 5 year-old’s room, she asked me how a baby gets into a mom’s belly.
Uhhh. Ummm. Well…
I was taken by surprise and said when 2 people want a child, a baby grows in the mom’s tummy. She knew I was leaving something out and had a sly look on her face when she asked “So, a baby just crawls into a mom’s belly?”
I said yes. Mostly because it was late and wasn’t at all prepared to talk about sex. But that’s what ended up happening. A very strange and awkward conversation about how babies are made.
Something I thought, when the time came, I would explain in a clear manner but ended up sounding like Porky Pig.
She was still full of questions and that’s when I pulled the “Why don’t you wait and ask your dad those questions tomorrow.”
By the next day, it was forgotten so my husband escaped the topic but I’m sure when it comes up again, I’ll be the one she asks.
And then I will refer her to the wild raccoons that roam in our backyard at night. They would probably make more sense explaining these kinds of things to my kid anyway.