Archive | life is funny RSS feed for this section

Princess Rap Battle

Having a 5 year-old daughter who loves anything to do with princesses can be trying at times. I mean, just how many tiaras and sparkly princess shit does a girl need? Apparently, lots.

But spoofs like this help cancel out all of the times I’ve had to hear Let It Go. Well, that and wine.

Comments { 1 }

Halloween Candy

Me: Did you get into the Halloween candy?

5 year-old: No.

halloween-candy1

Can’t blame her. I’m sure I look like this when I indulge in the candy after everyone goes to bed.

Comments { 4 }

What The Hummingbird Has Learned In Kindergarten So Far

pic-day-kindergarten-580-1

I ask my daughter how her day was at school after she gets settled back home. Most of the time, I get nada from her. But later on, I may find what she’s been doing in school through hearing and watching her play. Her teacher has a blog so I can go on there and see the books she’s been reading to the class, etc.

Of course, my daughter may wait to tell me ALL about her day 2 minutes before we need to leave the house for her gymnastics class, when it’s GO time and we’re in a rush.

I really love to know what she’s doing in school so I can expand on that at home. But this is how it usually goes…

Me: Did you have fun?

Hummingbird: Yeah.

Me: What did you do?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Me: Did you play?

Hummingbird: Yes.

Me: Who’d you play with?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Me: Did your teacher read?

Hummingbird: Yeah.

Me: What did she read?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Me: Did you have art class today?

Hummingbird: Yeah.

Me: What did you do in art class?

Hummingbird: I don’t know.

Agghhh!

A few days ago, I finally found what she’s been learning in school. In a way that only a kid can sum things up.

Hummingbird: *burp*

Hummingbird: Mom, you know what?

Me: What?

Hummingbird: I burpted!

Me: I know. I think they heard you down the street!

Hummingbird: Mom? *in her sweet voice*

Mom: Yes? *thinks* Maybe she’s going to tell me she loves me. Awww, I have the best kid in the world.

Hummingbird: I want to take my burp and put it in a package in the mail.

I want to mail it to my class and when they open it up, it’s me burping… and farting!

I want to put me burping AND farting in the mail and send it to my school so my class and teacher can hear it! *laughs*

Me: *thinks* Okay, I wasn’t expecting this but… my kid is a genius!

Hummingbird: Mom? MOM? What do you think?

Me: Ewwww! So gross and so awesome!

Hummingbird: That’s what I think!

I have the best kid in the world.

Comments { 4 }

Guest Post: How A Mom Enjoys Her Coffee In 97 Steps

I gave Rachael from Three Boys And A Mom some blog love last week and linked a particular post as well. I love it so much and asked her if I can feature it as a guest post, especially for those who may have missed it. If I could, I would make this post my sister-wife. It’s hysterical and so relatable.

Rachael is a 29 year-old mom of 3 boys; identical twin 2 year-old’s and a 10 month old. She has a master’s degree in social work but is currently home with her boys. She loves and writes about all things motherhood, as well as the struggles and pains of divorce. Rachael hopes to write a book or two in the near future but until then you can follow her on her blog.

You can also find her here:

Facebook: https://m.facebook.com/rachaelplus3
Twitter: Check out Three Boys and a Mom (@rachaelplus3): https://twitter.com/rachaelplus3
Google+: https://plus.google.com/101219958454784459593
DivorcedMoms.com profile: http://divorcedmoms.com/authors/1366

~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve never been a, “I have to have my coffee or I can’t function” type person. Thank God. I do enjoy coffee though, and have learned it certainly helps as a sleep deprived mom of 3. It’s a rare day I get to actually drink the coffee though, and I usually have about 4 half empty, or half full if you want to be an optimist, cups of coffee spread throughout the house.

Here’s how drinking coffee typically goes in this house. (Mind you, MANY steps of the day are missing. This is just a generalized run down of the coffee drinking process.)

1. Wake up to a crying baby confused and disoriented because, didn’t you just lay that little booger down 5 minutes ago!?

2. Wipe the sleep from your eyes, grab him and try nursing him back to sleep.

3. After 35 minutes of half sleep with a person attached to you, wake up abruptly to a chomp on your nipple. Ouch!

4. Try wrestling him back to sleep. This goes on for at least 30 minutes.

5. Give up.

6. Try to shake off your exhaustion and compose yourself before going down the stairs lest you fall and kill yourself and your precious peanut.

7. Put him somewhere safe like an exersaucer and find the coffee.

8. Pour it.

9. Heat it up because it’s left over from yesterday’s pot of coffee.

10. Take a sip standing in the kitchen and try to muster up some energy for the day, thankful at least for now only 1 of the 3 are awake.

11. Take another sip…

12. What’s that noise!?

13. Oh it’s the twins jumping up and down in their bed yelling, “Mooooooommmmm!”

14. Go get the twins.

15. Do the assembly of diapers, milks, breakfast, and morning cartoon choices…try to choose something that stimulates their brain and is educational, while also not driving you insane.

16. Where’s the coffee?

17. Once everyone is settled for a few minutes, sip your coffee.

18. It’s cold.

19. Heat it up again.

20. Take another sip.

21. Someone pooped. Change the diaper.

22. Take another sip…it’s lukewarm but you’ll take it.

23. Now you have to pee… go to the bathroom, with the door opened of course, and at least 2 people watching saying, “MOM! What are you doing!!?? I need some more milky! What are you doing in there!!?”

24. Answer the questions with as much of a smile as you can find.

25. Heat the coffee up again.

26. Tend to the children. Clean up some spills, trip over a toy, take a deep breath.

27. Breastfeed the little guy.

28. Where did your coffee go!?

29. It’s still in the microwave. Heat it up a few more seconds because it got cold again sitting there.

30. Enjoy a sip.

31. Fish this out of your 10 month old’s mouth.

wpid-0911141148-1

32. Smell it, scared, anticipating if it’s poop or dirt. You can’t tell.

33. Wash it down the sink and wipe off your child.

34. Now it’s play time. Go enjoy some dedicated time with your boys.

35. Forget about the coffee for a few hours. It’s probably unsafe and radioactive by now anyway.

36. Start to feel tired and remember, “Oh, I have coffee!!”

37. Heat it up and drink a sip.

38. Everyone needs something.

39. Tend to all the needs with a 21 pounder dangling from your boob.

40. Give hugs, kisses and snuggles. Or time outs, whatever the case may be that 5 minutes.

41. Nap time! Hallelujah!

42. Get the twins down and pray fervently the little one will do the same.

43. A miracle has occurred and they’re all 3 asleep.

44. Sneak away quietly, holding your breath so no one smells you’re trying to get a 5 minute break and wakes up.

45. Heat the coffee and take a breath.

46. Take a few sips.

47. What’s that noise!? Oh the baby is awake! Of course, because he doesn’t believe in sleep.

48. Go get him.

49. Forget about the coffee and try to accomplish something while you only a have 1/3 of the chaos to tend to.

50. Clean, write, eat, study, etc as much as possible in between breastfeeding and entertaining a 10 month old.

51. Sit down for a few minutes and remember you still have coffee.

52. Heat it up.

53. Take a sip.

54. What’s that noise!?

55. The twins are awake! Go get them.

56. Do the diaper assembly (or going to the potty since you’re half potty training these big boys), get milks, tend to demands, etc.

57. Playtime.

58. Go outside, go for a walk, find something fun and entertaining, as well as educational, to feel like a good mom.

59. Check pinterest for ideas if necessary.

60. Love on your boys. Enjoy the moment.

61. Break up a fight, kiss a boo boo, do a timeout.

62. Inside for dinner.

63. Make dinner for everyone after tending to ALL the needs.

64. Ask children to come sit at the table and eat.

65. Endure the time it takes to get everyone’s listening ears on and working.

66. Breathe.

67. Bribe them with something that motivates them to eat their dinner.

68. Give lots of encouragement and praise as they make it through their meal one painstakingly slow bite at a time.

69. Clean up a spill, or five.

70. Fish the baby out of the dog bowl.

71. Clean him up.

72. Change diapers again and get more milk.

73. Follow through with whatever the bribe was to get everyone to eat.

74. Play some more.

75. Bath time. (Too many details to add them all in here…that’s a whole other post entirely.)

76. Get everyone out of the bathtub, brush teeth, diaper and dress every one. (Also another post entirely.)

77. Clean up toys and encourage boys to help you. Take some breaths after your toddler throws the toys and screams “no” at your face.

78. Do a timeout.

79. Finish cleaning and praise them for listening and cleaning so well.

80. Gather every one up for their bedtime story.

81. Slow down. Breathe. Read the story and enjoy the final moments of the day, excited it’s about to end.

82. Feel guilty for being excited.

83. Say prayers.

84. Give lots of hugs, kisses and snuggles.

85. Tuck every one in, dodge the the final requests and stall tactics, close the door.

86. 2 of 3 down.

87. Nurse the other one, praying he will drift to sleep soon.

88. Eventually he does. Sweet victory!

89. Lay him down ever so gently…

90. He pops back up. Nurse him again and start over.

91. He’s finally down.

92. Take a breath.

93. You made it!

94. Everyone survived another day.

95. Remember you never finished your coffee. (Yesterday’s or today’s.)

wpid-0911141124-1

96. Realize it’s midnight and who drinks coffee at midnight!?

97. Try again tomorrow!

So, there you have it. 97 simple steps to drinking coffee as a mom!

Do you ever get to actually enjoy your coffee hot? Do you give up and make it an ice coffee? Do you give up altogether?

Let’s get a cup of coffee and talk about it! :)

Comments { 2 }

MakeUp

febbf88b03de4108f9afb6100065fe0e

The other night I was getting ready to go out and the 5 year-old hummingbird was watching me put on makeup. I hate wearing it and as soon as I can, I like to take it off. So, she doesn’t normally see me in it that often.

Hummingbird: Wow, you look so pretty.

Me: Thanks!

Hummingbird: How did you get your lips so red?

Me: Lipstick.

Hummingbird: I like it! Really, really like it!

Me: Thank you!

Hummingbird: Why don’t you normally look like this?

Me: Um, well, I don’t really like to wear makeup. But maybe I should start wearing it more.

Hummingbird: You should. You look so much better!

Me: Next time, I’ll put on a little more.

Hummingbird: Okay.

Hummingbird: Mom?

Me: Yes?

Hummingbird: Can you put on more now? Please? You look better with it.

Leave it to kids to be so honest!

Comments { 2 }

50 Shades Of Grey: I’m Reading This Craptacular Book So You Don’t Have To. You’re Welcome.

I know, I know. Many seem to LOVE this cringeworthy, hot mess of a so-called book. Me? I’ve tried reading it twice and was only able to barely make it through the first few pages. But the movie is coming out next year and stars Mr. Hottie McHotster, Jaimie Dornan.

And yes, I will absolutely, positively see this craptastic masterpiece of a movie when it comes out on Netflix. Because I have a 5 year-old and have pretty much forgotten what a movie theater looks like.

I first noticed this gorgeous man, Jaimie Dornan, in Marie Antoinette, playing Count Fersen. Whooo! Is it getting hot in here? And I remember some scenes where he was grinding up against the lucky, lucky Kirsten Dunst.

Yeah, it is hot in here.

Now, I’m not a book snob by any means. I mean hello, I look forward to my US Weekly coming in the mail every week and may even do a happy dance when I see it. But 50 Shades Of Grey is pretty fucking awful. And that’s putting it mildly.

So, a few days ago I gave myself a little talk. I said “You know what, me? This craptastic book must be read! It’s not like you need to read it for the movie or anything. You must read it for the laughs.”

Keep in mind. There are a few universal truths:

1. Laughter really is the best medicine.

2. You need those guilty pleasures because life can be a pain in the ass.

3. Jaimie Dornan is such a hottie.

Now, this is where you may or may not come in. I would love for us to read this “book” together. And no, I won’t judge you if you’ve already read it. Or maybe even liked it. Okay, I probably will judge you but that’s besides the point. I promise not to hold it against you.

We need to read this book together, have some laughs, and snark the shit out of it.

I will try my best to give weekly updates on it and you are more than welcome to do the same. Whether you put your take on it in the comment section of my blog, on my FB page, or if you have your own blog and aren’t worried about your readers and/or family members questioning your life choices and sanity.

Whatever the case may be, if I have your permission, I’ll include your views of this book in the updates or link the post you write on your blog.

So, who’s with me?

Don’t worry, if you’re all for it and want to participate but then decide not to, no big deal.

So, ladies… this week, we will be reading the first 4 chapters.

Remember, Jaimie Dornan is counting on us!

Oh my, excuse me while I stick my head in the freezer and cool off.

Hot damn, this man is fine!

Hot damn, this man is fine!

Comments { 6 }

A Mom’s View: What Happened To My Bathtub?

As I took a shower yesterday, I went to shave my legs but when I lifted one of my legs up, I knocked over a small bucket containing a few squeaky ducks, some kind of small fish that squirted water, and a fake orange wtf from my daughter’s play kitchen.

That’s when I started thinking. What the hell happened to my bathtub?!

Pre-hummingbird, I would indulge in long, hot showers. Oh, those were the days. Or the occasional relaxing bath complete with an inflatable bath pillow, a loofah brush, soft music, and lit vanilla candles on the bathroom counter. Maybe even a glass of wine.

Post-hummingbird, I’m inundated with squeaky ducks, toy cars, and even snorkeling gear. Because every kid, or at least my kid, can’t seem to have a bath without it.

Now, I do quick showers while the hummingbird yells out Mom… Mom? Where is my Hello Kitty shirt? I want to dress up like Elsa but can’t find my blue dress. Can you give me a braid ? I pooped, can you help me wipe my butt? MOM! Are you almost done???

That’s when I thought, you know what? I’m going to show you a mom’s view of the crap all over the bath. And because I’m kinda nuts, I even took a picture.

Now, keep in mind, it’s usually more of a disaster than usual but I recently cleaned up because in just mere hours, my in laws will be visiting for four fucking days. Yeah, you read that right. My in laws are coming for a visit.

RED ALERT… MY IN LAWS ARE COMING!

Don’t worry. I’ve already purchased an economy sized bottle of red wine and made sure I have plenty of vodka at the ready. Actually, while we were at the store, my husband grabbed a big bottle and said “Do you think this will help you make it through my parents visit? hahaha

In case you’re new here, you might want to take a look at some of these in law posts: My MIL ruined my wedding and made me want to set myself on fire just so I could get away from her crazy, In-law Apocalypse, My in-laws are coming and I’ve already reserved myself a spot in a psych ward just in case, The time when my in-laws invited themselves to my sister’s wedding and she wanted to kill me and then my mom wanted to kill them only 2 hours after their presence, the very touching story of A Lack Of Boundaries With A Side Of Ranch Of Ranch Dressing, and my personal favorite… When You Wish Upon A Star… And It’s Stuck Up… Up Where?!.

If you dare, just scroll though my subjects and look up in-laws and mother-in law where I vent, bitch, and whine about them.

But back to the subject at hand.

A Mom’s and Dad’s view after kids. This could go two ways, zero participation where all you hear is crickets, chirp, chirp… or wanting to show your view. Whether describing your kids takeover of your bathroom in the comments section, or posting you own photo on my Facebook page, This Is Mommyhood.

I would absolutely love to read about it or see pics. I can’t be the only mama out there with this issue.

So, come on ladies and gents. Don’t be shy. We’re in this together. Show me what you’ve got! If this goes well, I may, just may show you my 5 year-old’s room aka the disaster zone that’s clean for five minutes and then BOOM, it’s an outright mess. I may even show the hot mess that is my kitchen, or the hummingbird’s play area… GASP!

This is my view of the bathtub. But keep in mind, it usually looks much worse, with toys on the floor and lying all over in the tub:

Mermaids, and buckets, and snorkeling gear, oh my!

Mermaids, and buckets, and snorkeling gear, oh my!

xoxo

Updated: If I get at least 5 pics of your bathtub kid takeover on my FB page, I will absolutely show you the little hummingbird’s hot mess of a bedroom next week. WTF am I saying?! I’ll probably show you anyway because I just lurves to overshare. haha!

Comments { 1 }