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Peenterest: Driving

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*Because Of You

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What Spring?

The 4 1/2 yo little hummingbird was PISSED when she woke up this morning on the first day of Spring. She was expecting the sun to be shining, flowers in bloom, and birds chirping.

All she got were clouds, snow on the ground, and rain. Her little tirade had me in giggles. Mostly because she included “Well, shit!”.

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Total Recall: I could never be a pediatric dentist because I’d probably end up fingerless and have to hold my dental instruments with my feet but nobody would want to go to a fingerless dentist so really I’m saving money and years of having to go to dental school.

Thank you all for your emails and comments. I will try to get back to all of you soon.

I’m so raw and feel like someone’s torturing me with non-stop episodes of LazyTown aka I’m in the depths of hell. I decided I’d hate to leave my blog with nothing so I’ll be doing some “Total Recall” posts that I used to do. Posts that I’ve already published. Even though I keep telling myself to give up writing all together, I’ll be back soon.

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Published June 27, 2011

We took the little hummingbird to the dentist a few weeks ago. I’ve heard some people say your kid needs a check-up at 1, some have said 3, some say not until they start school. Oy, it’s so confusing. She was born with a tooth, yeah it was a little creepy, and we’ve noticed that since she was getting her other teeth in, the one she was born with started receding into her gums and was looking kind of funky.

The day she was born, she had her tooth checked out by a pediatric dentist from the hospital. A few of the nurses were saying the tooth will probably need to be pulled and since I was like wha? nuh uh!, they had the dentist come and check it out and he said it was a real tooth that didn’t need to be pulled and to just leave it alone. Whew!

She had her 2nd BIRTHDAY!! back in April and my hubby and I were thinking she should go see a pediatric dentist soon which meant that we put it off since we’re totally responsible like that. Then the tooth that she was born with went MIA.

The hummingbird doesn’t really let us get near her mouth and since keeping my fingers is really important to me, I have to get creative and tickle her while holding her upside down or make animal sounds so she’ll mimic me and that’s when I was able to have .002 seconds to look in her mouth and see that nope, that tooth wasn’t there.

Since I am now a not at all total professional when it comes to taking my daughter to the dentist, here are my not at all professional thoughts and insights (?) when it comes to dealing with kids and dentistry.

If you follow these 30 really long steps, you too can be a not at all professional when it comes to taking your toddler to the dentist.

1. Have your husband make the dentist appointment. Soon your darling little girl (or boy) will be an angsty tween/teen who blames you for all of their problems. It will come in handy to be able to say You may be mad at me for embarrassing you in front of your friends by dropping you off at school in my pajamas BUT your father is the one that made your first dentist appointment.

2. The night after your husband has made the appointment, while you try to get your 2-year-old to brush their teeth, you’ll be thinking I am so glad I’m not a pediatric dentist because they are screwed.

3. You will also start thinking Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

4. Then you’ll be thinking how she freaked out when it came to taking her to see the Easter Bunny and get all panicky with thoughts of going to the dentist and finding out they have a thing for bunnies.

5. When you and your husband are in bed later that night, you’ll make the mistake of telling him about the dentist having a bunny themed office as well as saying Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

6. He’ll then ask if you have any anti-anxiety meds left and if you do you should take one. Then he’ll say our little girl is only going to the dentist and it’s unlikely they’ll have a bunny theme, particularly creepy Easter Bunnies.

7. You normally check on your sleeping daughter a few hundred times a night but you add another hundred because not only is your child at their cutest when they’re finally sleeping after a 2 hour bedtime battle, you think Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

8. After going back to your bedroom, you find that your husband has also become so worried about it and that’s why he’s asleep.

9. You start thinking how worried you were when you took your little one to your hairdresser for their first haircut and even though you prepared for the worst, your child didn’t freak out at all and did really well because she liked your hairdresser.

10. You then start thinking that even though your hairdresser moved hours away down to San Diego, maybe she does dentistry on the side but she just didn’t get a chance to tell you about it because the two of you were too consumed with talking about crazy in-laws and celebrity gossip.

11. You kick your husband in the leg for snoring because he ripped the mask from his CPAP machine off his face. Finally you go to sleep and dream about you and Mark Ruffalo in Hawaii.

12. Hold on a minute….still dreaming.

13. You wake up the day of THE appointment and you have those first few blissful minutes where you don’t worry about anything. Then it hits you and you think f#@!.

14. You get your daughter out of bed and find that she Houdini’d her way out of her footie pajamas and her diaper. She’s sitting in her crib buck naked with the biggest smile on her face.

15. Since you feel so guilty and are pretty sure your little girl will freak out at the dentist, you let her watch as much Caillou as possible, hoping she won’t notice that you’re stressing.

16. While your child is in their Caillou or other completely annoying kids show trance, you decide this is the perfect time to get a quick shower.

17. When walking out of the bathroom, you see that your child is buck naked on your bed watching Caillou and starts laughing when she sees you laughing. You try not to laugh too hard since you’re just wearing a towel and don’t want to pee yourself. There’s no time to take another quick shower and you don’t want to go to the dentist smelling like pee but if you have to end up doing that, blame it on your 2-year-old and just say they had a leaky diaper.

Also check to see if your daughter peed the bed. You just washed the sheets and blankets the day before and feel relieved that she didn’t relieve herself on the bed because the last thing you want to do is wash everything again.

18. Have your husband go with you to the pediatric dentist because Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

19. On the way there you start freaking out and your hubby suggests once you get to the dentist, maybe it would be better if you stay in the waiting room or better yet, the car.

20. Give him the look of death and remind him since you’re sure he’s forgotten that Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me and I have to be with her.

21. Start trying to get out of taking your little one to the dentist. You see a few Mexican restaurants and suggest going there instead. You can get your 2-year-old a crunchy taco and you rationalize to your husband that having her eat the hard taco shell would be just as good for her teeth as whatever the dentist is going to do.

22. Your hubby gives you the your crazy look and you’re pretty sure he’ll tie you up and lock you in the car so you don’t scare the other patients at the possibly bunny themed dentist office.

23. When he’s only halfway pulled into the parking space, hop out of the car so you can screw up his plans.

24. While you’re in the waiting room, give your hummingbird as many hugs and kisses as they’ll allow. Feel some relief that you don’t see anything having to do with bunnies so far.

25. After waiting for what seems like forever, you’re called back and think f*ck, here we go.

26. You were worried that the dentist wouldn’t be able to get your little hummingbird’s mouth open. Your little one ends up screaming their head off so the dentist is able to get a good look at their teeth. It absolutely kills you to see your little babe scared and screaming so while your hubby holds your little girl, you go over and sit down in a chair before you faint.

27. Finally the torture for the both of you is over and the dentist is really awesome with your little girl. You wish she did adult dentistry and tell your hubby later that you wish she could be your primary doctor. The dentist lets you know that the tooth your baby was born with is definitely gone but other than that, everything looks fine.

She asks if you floss your 2-year-old’s teeth and both you and your hubby laugh out loud and then realize she’s being serious. You give her a smile and tell her you’ll try in a few years and after you can get your toddler to brush their teeth without having them throw their toothbrush across the bathroom every time.

28. You leave the dentist and want to spoil your poor little girl who still has tears in her eyes.

29. You don’t normally let her have much sugar but decide going to get a cookies and cream milkshake is in order. You and your hubby will be drinking most of it anyway.

30. On the way home, mention to your hubby again about stopping to get some crunchy tacos so the hummingbird can clean her teeth with the hard taco shell after the milkshake. Plus you’re really craving tacos but your buttmunch hubby doesn’t stop.

Happy brushing!

*I think I’ve watched this a few hundred times in the last few days. Music helps the soul.

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Real Housewives Of The North Pole

This season on the Real Housewives… Elfa joins the group.

This season on the Real Housewives, Elfa joins the group.

 

I can't carry a note to save my life so I'mma gonna cut a record!

I can’t carry a note to save my life so I’mma gonna cut a record!

 

Can Elfa sing? Who the fuck is Elfa? Where am I?

Can Elfa sing? Who the fuck is Elfa? Where am I?

 

Of course Elfa can sing, silly. And she's as sweet as pie.

Of course Elfa can sing, silly. And she’s as sweet as pie.

 

After Margene had inappropriate relations with an associate producer, she had to be replaced by Marlene.

After Margene had inappropriate relations with an associate producer, she had to be replaced by Marlene.

 

Who the fuck is Elfa? I've only been on this show for 5 minutes!

Who the hell is Elfa? I’ve only been on this show for 5 minutes!

 

Elfa, YOU BITCH! You slept with my man!!

Elfa, YOU BITCH! You slept with my man?!

 

While we were sad to see her go, Camille had to leave the show for personal reasons.

While we were sad to see her go, Camille had to leave the show for personal reasons.

 

Woo hoo!! That bitch, Camille, is gone!

Woo hoo!! Camille, is gone!

 

Oh fucking hell. Another scandal? Wait, what are you doing back here, Margene?

Oh fucking hell. Another scandal? Wait, what are you doing back here, Margene?

 

Oh no you didn't, Camille! I'mma gonna get your nasty ass.

Oh no you didn’t, Camille! You can’t get back on the show! I’mma gonna get your nasty ass.

 

Oh my god, girls. I love you all so much and I never want to fight again. Hey Camille, what is up with that bitch, Marlene?

Oh my god, girls. I love you all so much and I never want to fight again. Hey Camille, what is up with that bitch, Marlene?

*Big Girls Don’t Cry

**I’ve entered this in the Inappropriate Elf Contest on Baby Rabies. Check it out, get those creative juices flowing, and enter!

InappropriateElfPrizes131

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Peenterest: Thanksgiving edition

I started “Peenterest” last year since I found so many funny ecards on Pinterest and wanted to share. I renamed it because, well, I’m odd. In case you didn’t know that already. ;^)

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*Say It To Me Now

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Peenterest: A nun in a cucumber field.

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*Cry Me A River

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After having the very serious conversations we have, the husband pointed out last night that Tom Hanks loves making films where his ass gets stuck. We have these really deep discussions so you don’t have to. You’re welcome.

Before the hubby and I were about to go to bed, Apollo 13 was on. That’s when my husband got to thinking and said what the hell is up with this guy. The dude gets stuck in space and in that other movie, he gets stuck on a deserted island with a soccer ball.

Because I’m such a serious writer *snort*, I did some “research” and went on imdb, looking up the films that Tom Hanks has done over the years. Yeah, I’m getting old and need a life.

Holy shit, the hubby was right!

Sure, this is probably overreaching but again, being the serious writer I am, ahem, I’ve compiled a list. Also, the guy sure has made some great movies.

Bosom Buddies - Tom is stuck having to dress like a woman to live in an apartment with his bosom buddy. Hilarity ensues.

Splash – The guy is stuck with a damn mermaid who’s name in mermaid speak will blow your fucking eardrums out. Hilarity ensues.

The Money Pit – Oh look at that, Tom is stuck with a house from hell that he bought with his girlfriend. Hilarity ensues.

Big – Love this movie. Once again, the guy is stuck… as a kid in the body of an adult. Hilarity ensues again.

Turner And Hooch- Surprise, surprise. Tom is stuck with a slobbery dog who is a witness to a crime. Hilarity ensues!

A League Of Their Own – No fucking way! Tom Hanks is stuck, yet again, this time coaching a womens’ baseball team that he wants no part of. Say it with me… hilarity ensues!

Forrest Gump – The dude is stuck in love with JENNY for years and years and years. Fuck that. Run, Forrest, Run!! Can’t hate on this film though because it’s awesome and I’ve watched it about 10 million times over the years. Hilarity doesn’t ensue in this one and people drop like flies.

Apollo 13 - Once again… Tom gets stuck… in space… with Bill Paxton and Kevin Bacon. Tom, sweetie, will you ever fucking learn? No? Okay, continuing on.

Cast Away – Huh, look at that. Tom Hanks is once again stuck. This time on an island with his beloved soccer ball, Wilson. I mean… WIIIILLLLLSSSSOOOONNNNN! *enter crying*

The Terminal – Shocker! Hold on to your seats, people. Tom is stuck in an airport for many months. Hilarity, once again, ensues.

I’m sure I’m probably missing more movies, but this nap isn’t going to take itself.

Stuck On You

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