Archive | life is funny RSS feed for this section

Total Recall: When you care enough to scare your kid and want to pay for a lifetime of therapy, take them to see the Easter Bunny.

Published: April 25, 2011

In the first 2 years of the hummingbird’s life, we haven’t taken her to see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. She’s like me in that she has to hang back and take in a situation first before she gets comfortable so I had a feeling if we took her, she would freak out.

The past few weeks I started thinking I was depriving my little girl of these things and when I saw that the Easter Bunny would be at the mall on Saturday and that the picture would be free, I couldn’t pass it up.

I figured if things went bad but we didn’t have to pay any money then it would still be a win for us. Oh, how wrong I was.

I might be in the minority here but I think it’s kind of odd that people are so willing to throw their kids onto the laps of Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny.

From a kids point of view it would seem terrifying. My daughter has a few stuffed bunnies but then we take her to see a ginormous bunny who’s bigger than her dad and can probably crush his skull in. Cute? I think not.

When someone gets too close to the hummingbird while saying how adorable she is and so much as pats her on the head, I think to myself oh my gawd, I don’t know you and you’re touching my child so back off. If I’m holding her, I start moving around like I have to pee, hoping it will make it more difficult for the person to be all touchy as I’m swinging the hummingbird to the right and left.

But hey, let’s hand my child over to some stranger because they’re dressed up as a bunny. That’s totally normal.

What really creeps me out about the whole bunny business is I have no idea who’s in the costume. For all I know it could be someone who hasn’t quite made the transition to full zombie status and they’re in the middle of a pre-zombie tweak out.

Worse yet, it could be Charlie Sheen, although I have no idea what he would be doing in a small city in Northern California dressed as a bunny come to think of it, dressing up as a bunny would be tame for him and I’m pretty sure there aren’t an abundance of hookers where I live but I could be wrong since I’m not privy when it comes to all things hooker-ish hooker-y?.

Sorry, didn’t mean to offend. I meant to say “high-class call girls” because everyone knows they’re more classy than hookers. *snort* After all, they have “class” in their name. *double snort*

So against my better judgment will I ever learn? we took her to see the Easter Bunny. We were running late because of me and got to the mall about 20 minutes before the bunny was going to hop off.

While we were waiting in line, I didn’t see any other kids freak out so I started to think maybe my daughter would be okay with this after all. I also think my hairdresser left the bleach on my hair a little too long the last time I saw her and the fumes must have gotten to me.

I always imagine the people who dress up in these costumes go to some bar later I know I would after spending a day with an endless amount of kids and relay their tales of the worst kids they had to deal with. My little girl was most likely on that list.

The little hummingbird’s reaction was pretty much what I expected:

She started kicking her little legs and screaming while my husband was handing her over and I’m sure Charlie Sheen the guy has bruises all over and is temporarily deaf. What you can’t see is my hubby crouching down beside the hummingbird, trying to hold her legs still.

After we scarred her for life, we let her play over by her favorite fountain at the mall and all was well again I should just photoshop the Easter Bunny into the picture below:
Once she was calm and happy, we started walking back to the car and came across a person dressed up as a bunny in front of some store while passing out gift cards. The little hummingbird was like screw this bunny stuff, freaked out again, and we quickly walked by. Now, if we even mention Easter and Bunny in the same sentence she starts to whimper.

It’s safe to say we won’t be seeing the Easter Bunny for a very long time.

Comments { 1 }

Peenterest: Driving

p22

~~~~~

p55

~~~~~

p44

~~~~~

p11

~~~~~

tooquiet1

~~~~~

p66

~~~~~

driving1

~~~~~

p33

~~~~~

p88

~~~~~

p99

~~~~~

*Because Of You

Comments { 0 }

What Spring?

The 4 1/2 yo little hummingbird was PISSED when she woke up this morning on the first day of Spring. She was expecting the sun to be shining, flowers in bloom, and birds chirping.

All she got were clouds, snow on the ground, and rain. Her little tirade had me in giggles. Mostly because she included “Well, shit!”.

Comments { 2 }

Total Recall: I could never be a pediatric dentist because I’d probably end up fingerless and have to hold my dental instruments with my feet but nobody would want to go to a fingerless dentist so really I’m saving money and years of having to go to dental school.

Thank you all for your emails and comments. I will try to get back to all of you soon.

I’m so raw and feel like someone’s torturing me with non-stop episodes of LazyTown aka I’m in the depths of hell. I decided I’d hate to leave my blog with nothing so I’ll be doing some “Total Recall” posts that I used to do. Posts that I’ve already published. Even though I keep telling myself to give up writing all together, I’ll be back soon.

~~~~~~~~~~

Published June 27, 2011

We took the little hummingbird to the dentist a few weeks ago. I’ve heard some people say your kid needs a check-up at 1, some have said 3, some say not until they start school. Oy, it’s so confusing. She was born with a tooth, yeah it was a little creepy, and we’ve noticed that since she was getting her other teeth in, the one she was born with started receding into her gums and was looking kind of funky.

The day she was born, she had her tooth checked out by a pediatric dentist from the hospital. A few of the nurses were saying the tooth will probably need to be pulled and since I was like wha? nuh uh!, they had the dentist come and check it out and he said it was a real tooth that didn’t need to be pulled and to just leave it alone. Whew!

She had her 2nd BIRTHDAY!! back in April and my hubby and I were thinking she should go see a pediatric dentist soon which meant that we put it off since we’re totally responsible like that. Then the tooth that she was born with went MIA.

The hummingbird doesn’t really let us get near her mouth and since keeping my fingers is really important to me, I have to get creative and tickle her while holding her upside down or make animal sounds so she’ll mimic me and that’s when I was able to have .002 seconds to look in her mouth and see that nope, that tooth wasn’t there.

Since I am now a not at all total professional when it comes to taking my daughter to the dentist, here are my not at all professional thoughts and insights (?) when it comes to dealing with kids and dentistry.

If you follow these 30 really long steps, you too can be a not at all professional when it comes to taking your toddler to the dentist.

1. Have your husband make the dentist appointment. Soon your darling little girl (or boy) will be an angsty tween/teen who blames you for all of their problems. It will come in handy to be able to say You may be mad at me for embarrassing you in front of your friends by dropping you off at school in my pajamas BUT your father is the one that made your first dentist appointment.

2. The night after your husband has made the appointment, while you try to get your 2-year-old to brush their teeth, you’ll be thinking I am so glad I’m not a pediatric dentist because they are screwed.

3. You will also start thinking Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

4. Then you’ll be thinking how she freaked out when it came to taking her to see the Easter Bunny and get all panicky with thoughts of going to the dentist and finding out they have a thing for bunnies.

5. When you and your husband are in bed later that night, you’ll make the mistake of telling him about the dentist having a bunny themed office as well as saying Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

6. He’ll then ask if you have any anti-anxiety meds left and if you do you should take one. Then he’ll say our little girl is only going to the dentist and it’s unlikely they’ll have a bunny theme, particularly creepy Easter Bunnies.

7. You normally check on your sleeping daughter a few hundred times a night but you add another hundred because not only is your child at their cutest when they’re finally sleeping after a 2 hour bedtime battle, you think Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

8. After going back to your bedroom, you find that your husband has also become so worried about it and that’s why he’s asleep.

9. You start thinking how worried you were when you took your little one to your hairdresser for their first haircut and even though you prepared for the worst, your child didn’t freak out at all and did really well because she liked your hairdresser.

10. You then start thinking that even though your hairdresser moved hours away down to San Diego, maybe she does dentistry on the side but she just didn’t get a chance to tell you about it because the two of you were too consumed with talking about crazy in-laws and celebrity gossip.

11. You kick your husband in the leg for snoring because he ripped the mask from his CPAP machine off his face. Finally you go to sleep and dream about you and Mark Ruffalo in Hawaii.

12. Hold on a minute….still dreaming.

13. You wake up the day of THE appointment and you have those first few blissful minutes where you don’t worry about anything. Then it hits you and you think f#@!.

14. You get your daughter out of bed and find that she Houdini’d her way out of her footie pajamas and her diaper. She’s sitting in her crib buck naked with the biggest smile on her face.

15. Since you feel so guilty and are pretty sure your little girl will freak out at the dentist, you let her watch as much Caillou as possible, hoping she won’t notice that you’re stressing.

16. While your child is in their Caillou or other completely annoying kids show trance, you decide this is the perfect time to get a quick shower.

17. When walking out of the bathroom, you see that your child is buck naked on your bed watching Caillou and starts laughing when she sees you laughing. You try not to laugh too hard since you’re just wearing a towel and don’t want to pee yourself. There’s no time to take another quick shower and you don’t want to go to the dentist smelling like pee but if you have to end up doing that, blame it on your 2-year-old and just say they had a leaky diaper.

Also check to see if your daughter peed the bed. You just washed the sheets and blankets the day before and feel relieved that she didn’t relieve herself on the bed because the last thing you want to do is wash everything again.

18. Have your husband go with you to the pediatric dentist because Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

19. On the way there you start freaking out and your hubby suggests once you get to the dentist, maybe it would be better if you stay in the waiting room or better yet, the car.

20. Give him the look of death and remind him since you’re sure he’s forgotten that Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me and I have to be with her.

21. Start trying to get out of taking your little one to the dentist. You see a few Mexican restaurants and suggest going there instead. You can get your 2-year-old a crunchy taco and you rationalize to your husband that having her eat the hard taco shell would be just as good for her teeth as whatever the dentist is going to do.

22. Your hubby gives you the your crazy look and you’re pretty sure he’ll tie you up and lock you in the car so you don’t scare the other patients at the possibly bunny themed dentist office.

23. When he’s only halfway pulled into the parking space, hop out of the car so you can screw up his plans.

24. While you’re in the waiting room, give your hummingbird as many hugs and kisses as they’ll allow. Feel some relief that you don’t see anything having to do with bunnies so far.

25. After waiting for what seems like forever, you’re called back and think f*ck, here we go.

26. You were worried that the dentist wouldn’t be able to get your little hummingbird’s mouth open. Your little one ends up screaming their head off so the dentist is able to get a good look at their teeth. It absolutely kills you to see your little babe scared and screaming so while your hubby holds your little girl, you go over and sit down in a chair before you faint.

27. Finally the torture for the both of you is over and the dentist is really awesome with your little girl. You wish she did adult dentistry and tell your hubby later that you wish she could be your primary doctor. The dentist lets you know that the tooth your baby was born with is definitely gone but other than that, everything looks fine.

She asks if you floss your 2-year-old’s teeth and both you and your hubby laugh out loud and then realize she’s being serious. You give her a smile and tell her you’ll try in a few years and after you can get your toddler to brush their teeth without having them throw their toothbrush across the bathroom every time.

28. You leave the dentist and want to spoil your poor little girl who still has tears in her eyes.

29. You don’t normally let her have much sugar but decide going to get a cookies and cream milkshake is in order. You and your hubby will be drinking most of it anyway.

30. On the way home, mention to your hubby again about stopping to get some crunchy tacos so the hummingbird can clean her teeth with the hard taco shell after the milkshake. Plus you’re really craving tacos but your buttmunch hubby doesn’t stop.

Happy brushing!

*I think I’ve watched this a few hundred times in the last few days. Music helps the soul.

Comments { 1 }

Real Housewives Of The North Pole

This season on the Real Housewives… Elfa joins the group.

This season on the Real Housewives, Elfa joins the group.

 

I can't carry a note to save my life so I'mma gonna cut a record!

I can’t carry a note to save my life so I’mma gonna cut a record!

 

Can Elfa sing? Who the fuck is Elfa? Where am I?

Can Elfa sing? Who the fuck is Elfa? Where am I?

 

Of course Elfa can sing, silly. And she's as sweet as pie.

Of course Elfa can sing, silly. And she’s as sweet as pie.

 

After Margene had inappropriate relations with an associate producer, she had to be replaced by Marlene.

After Margene had inappropriate relations with an associate producer, she had to be replaced by Marlene.

 

Who the fuck is Elfa? I've only been on this show for 5 minutes!

Who the hell is Elfa? I’ve only been on this show for 5 minutes!

 

Elfa, YOU BITCH! You slept with my man!!

Elfa, YOU BITCH! You slept with my man?!

 

While we were sad to see her go, Camille had to leave the show for personal reasons.

While we were sad to see her go, Camille had to leave the show for personal reasons.

 

Woo hoo!! That bitch, Camille, is gone!

Woo hoo!! Camille, is gone!

 

Oh fucking hell. Another scandal? Wait, what are you doing back here, Margene?

Oh fucking hell. Another scandal? Wait, what are you doing back here, Margene?

 

Oh no you didn't, Camille! I'mma gonna get your nasty ass.

Oh no you didn’t, Camille! You can’t get back on the show! I’mma gonna get your nasty ass.

 

Oh my god, girls. I love you all so much and I never want to fight again. Hey Camille, what is up with that bitch, Marlene?

Oh my god, girls. I love you all so much and I never want to fight again. Hey Camille, what is up with that bitch, Marlene?

*Big Girls Don’t Cry

**I’ve entered this in the Inappropriate Elf Contest on Baby Rabies. Check it out, get those creative juices flowing, and enter!

InappropriateElfPrizes131

Comments { 3 }

Peenterest: Thanksgiving edition

I started “Peenterest” last year since I found so many funny ecards on Pinterest and wanted to share. I renamed it because, well, I’m odd. In case you didn’t know that already. ;^)

peen11~~~~~

peen22~~~~~

peen33~~~~~

peen44~~~~~

peen55~~~~~

peen66~~~~~

peen77~~~~~

peen88~~~~~

peen99~~~~~

peen1010~~~~~

*Say It To Me Now

Comments { 2 }

Peenterest: A nun in a cucumber field.

pin34~~~~~

pin37

~~~~~

pin32

~~~~~

pin35

~~~~~

pin38~~~~~

pin36~~~~~

pin31~~~~~

pin33~~~~~

*Cry Me A River

Comments { 0 }