This Is Mommyhood | Category Archive

Archive | life is funny RSS feed for this section

It was much funnier when Maya Rudolph did it crossing the street in a wedding dress.

By Elle on April 23, 2012 in life is funny, the really real me, too much info, whoops

Last month we all had a nasty stomach virus and it was so bad that it caused the hummingbird to spend a week in the hospital because of low blood sugar. It got to where she didn’t want to eat anything.

I was a few days behind my hubby and daughter so while they were getting better, I was getting the worst of it. When we took her to the hospital a day after she was released the first time I didn’t care how sick I was, I just wanted to be with her.

I could only imagine how the little hummingbird felt because I couldn’t even keep down dry toast. Anything would make my stomach reject it. Actually, it’s more like eject it from my ass.

My hubby was reading to the hummingbird and I went to lay down on the couch in the room since I was feeling miserable. I ended up sleeping for about an hour and then I woke up suddenly.

My stomach was gurgling and as a nurse was checking on the hummingbird’s vital stats, I tried to make a quick dash to the bathroom. If my ass could talk, it would have said KABOOM! As soon as my feet touched the floor, it started coming.

With each step it was coming out of me faster until I sped up and into the bathroom but it was too late. I had shit my pants.

Even though I’m sure the nurse has seen much worse, I was so embarrassed. I also wasn’t sure what I was going to do about my shitty pants situation.

Then I remembered that I had enough sense to throw an extra pair of pants in my backpack.

Later on I had a near miss accident and with my stomach the way it was, I knew I had to just go home. It was a really hard decision to make but if I was going to continue to shit myself, at least I could do it at home without an audience, right?

Except Maisy and Penny might be a little traumatized at what they had to see and hear. Hopefully cats don’t have a long memory.

Get Shareaholic

Comments { 4 }

Peenterest: You can’t say happiness without penis.

By Elle on April 2, 2012 in life is funny, this and that

I know I haven’t been writing as many posts lately because I’m also writing for a few other sites and learning to balance it. In the meantime here’s Peeeeeeeenterest!

You should check out Robin’s shop on Etsy, lemonswithapea. I really love this one and my mom needs this one. Anyone who can find penis in happiness is awesome.

~~~~~

Get Shareaholic

Comments { 7 }

Banging my head against a spike would be more fun.

By Elle on March 29, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, buttmunch, crazazy, hold me, holy hell, hubby, life is funny, marriage, mommyhood, my brain is melting, the little hummingbird, would you like some cheese with your whine?

This is a totall recall post which is something I repost ~~because I’m being too much of a lazy ass~~ because I like that I can look back and see what I was doing then.

I wrote this when we were making the move from D.C. to Northern California in July 2010. I would never want to do that move again unless we flew. Driving was awful, especially since the hummingbird could only tolerate being in her carseat for 5 or 6 hours which made the move much longer.

I could swear I’ve already used this as a total recall post so if I did, pretend you’ve never read it before. ;^)

Banging my head against a spike would be more fun

July 22, 2010

The hubby will be known as buttmunch for this post.

Cue the Law and Order music.

DUH DUH

The buttmunch and I were packing and trying to get everything together since we were going to a hotel that night. I had the little girl’s things packed and went to get my things together. I asked my buttmunch if he could go downstairs and get some toys for the little girl.

DUH DUH

Around 8pm that night we were on the way to the hotel and the buttmunch went back to the house to pack some more. Soon after, I put the little girl to bed. I called the buttmunch a few times to remind him what to bring back to the hotel.

DUH DUH

The next morning my buttmunch went back to the house since the movers were coming, so it was just me and my daughter. After breakfast I went over to a box that the buttmunch brought and looked through it for toys.

DUH DUH

There weren’t any there so I looked through a few bags. Not there. I looked through her bag, my bag, the buttmunch’s bag. Nada. I was starting to panic but before I went into freak out mode, I looked through EVERYTHING again. Nope.

DUH DUH

It was raining outside and there wasn’t anything for her to play with inside. The little girl just had a few books I had packed in her bag and normally she loves to “read” her books. She must have smelled the fear on me because when I would give her a book, she would throw it on the ground and give me a bitch, please look.

Then she started to run around the room and whine. It was her special whine. The kind that makes me feel like my head is going to explode any minute.

DUH DUH

I then called the buttmunch. When he answered I politely and in a very calm tone, and not at all yelling *coughnotcough*, told him that we didn’t have any toys at the hotel room. He couldn’t bring the toys by (and I didn’t have the car) since he was waiting for the movers and told me that I “had the stroller, so there was that“.

May I remind you that it was raining.

DUH DUH

Buttmunch.

DUH DUH

I found a pack of tic tacs that she grabbed at the store the day before. She wouldn’t let them go and chewed off most of the wrapper so they were ours for keeps. Those only amused her for a few minutes.

While the little girl was racing around the room, I sat on the couch dazed from the lack of caffeine. I contemplated dragging the both of us to the hotel lobby so I could get my hands on some coffee and the little girl could run around in a bigger space.

To get to the lobby we had to go outside and walk what seemed like a mile in the pouring rain, so I decided it was best to just stay in the room.

DUH DUH

While I was twitching around from my caffeine withdrawal and a whiny toddler, I found two plastic spoons. I thought “Yay, she loves spoons!” A few seconds after giving her one, she dropped it on the nasty hotel room carpet. The same carpet that turned her white socks black within a few hours.

So I threw it away and gave her the second spoon. Same thing. Finally, I just let her start throwing things out of our bags onto the nasty carpet. The carpet Dateline NBC says is covered in fecal matter, salmonella, and sperm. I guess there are a lot of chickens that stay at hotels and have booty sex.

While the little girl was going through the bags, she struck gold. She found a Ziploc bag full of tampons, the ones that come in bright colors. She was entranced with my bag o’ tampons. The little girl started roaming around the room with the bag, shaking it and holding it above her head.

This kept her occupied for about 10 minutes. While she was playing with her new toy, I was looking through the bags again, not for toys but for anything resembling caffeine. No such luck.

DUH DUH

After she got bored with the bag, I spent the next seven hours repeatedly singing the Elmo Duck Song, Elmo’s Song, and letting her play with my cell phone (which surprisingly still works). I also got quite a workout staying in a room that wasn’t child-proofed. Finally after one of the longest. days. ever, the buttmunch came back to the room.

DUH DUH

Hmmm, what’s that sound? Is it me saying no sex for a week? Well, that’s nothing new.

*We’re still not in California. It has taken us forever to drive across the country and as of this morning we are in New Mexico, about an hour from Arizona. I finally got my hands on a new laptop (thanks to my sweet hubby, the buttmunch).

Get Shareaholic

Comments { 7 }

My balls rolled off the stage.

By Elle on March 22, 2012 in life is funny, whoops

I have no idea why I started thinking about this a few days ago but I’ll start thinking about it during some random moments and laugh out loud. When I was younger and living in Footloose, USA, my grammar school would have a Christmas Pagent for each grade from K-6. It was quite an event in my small town and we would have it in a big auditorium.

My grandfather’s wife would always make me the best costumes and when I was in kindergarten or 1st grade, I had to dress up as an elf. Yeah, there’s not enough humiliation when you’re a kid but hey, let’s make you dress up as an elf as well! Woo hoo!

There were some bells that were sewn onto my shoes and before we went on stage I kept on making sure I wasn’t going to have any ball issues.

My class went to sing a few Christmas songs and I was with a group of elves towards the front of the stage. Not long after we were on the stage, one of the bells came off of my elf shoes and started rolling to the front of the stage. Despite the music and singing, I could hear it go ding, ding, ding…..

I bet most people in the audience didn’t even notice but for me it was really embarrassing. Then another bell came off of my elf shoe and again, ding…ding…ding….clink! I watched that ringing bell roll completely off the stage.

Not only was I mortified, it was all I could do to not crack up. One ringing bell after another kept detaching from my shoes and by this time the section of the elves I was with saw what was happening and a few of us tried not to laugh.

Ding…ding…ding….clink!

Ding…ding…ding…clink!

I’m sure my face was bright red since I blush so easily and I was just dying to get off of that stage. Since then, every time I see an elf, I think of my balls rolling off the stage at my school’s Christmas Pagent.

I couldn’t find any of the elf photos but I found one from the next xmas pagent. I find it ironic that I was an angel. bwahaha!

This photo below doesn’t have anything to do with anything but I couldn’t get over just how awful the carpet is. Whoever thought this carpet design was a good choice must have been on a coke bender. This was taken on xmas morning when I was 8 and almost everything I wanted had to do with E.T.