This week has been really rough. Baby Ben was supposed to be due this week. We lost him back in mid-March when I was 28 weeks pregnant. We had already lost him before he was born but we were able to see him afterwards.
We also got his prints which I haven’t looked at again until this week. I thought I would be able to handle setting out his ashes in the urn but when we received them, we locked them up in the safe.
The little hummingbird has been telling me lately that she really misses the baby that was in my belly. She often asks if I’m going to have another baby and the answer is I really hope so.
I have absolutely no idea when we’re going to try again but at the same time, I’m no spring chicken and don’t have a lot of time to wait. I’m also scared as hell when it comes to getting pregnant again.
I know I’ll be very happy if we just have our beautiful 5 year-old but I have made planty of room in my heart for another child and I hope that gets filled.
The 4 1/2 yo little hummingbird was PISSED when she woke up this morning on the first day of Spring. She was expecting the sun to be shining, flowers in bloom, and birds chirping.
All she got were clouds, snow on the ground, and rain. Her little tirade had me in giggles. Mostly because she included “Well, shit!”.
I went into preterm labor at 28 weeks pregnant. There were complications that I’d rather not get into right now and despite the best efforts of my doctor and nurses, we lost our son, Benjamin.
The little hummingbird isn’t really aware of what’s been going on and I’m not sure how to break it to a 4 year-old.
Earlier today, I had to fill out a cremation form and pick out an urn for my son. I wish all of this was just a nightmare.
I want to thank you all for your continued support.
If I hear “why?” one more time, my head will explode and the hummingbird will grow up with a headless mother and that would really suck.
I thought the hummingbird was finally out of the why stage but it’s come back with a vengeance. I know she’s just curious and I should be more than happy to answer all of her why questions but it can drive me up the wall. Just today, I went to get blood work done and on the way to the clinic, she was full of questions.
My 4 year-old has also become quite the backseat driver. I answer her questions as best as I can but after awhile, I want to bang my head against a spike. I don’t know if it’s just little girls or if boys are just as “talky”.
Why do I have to wear my coat?
Why did you just make that noise *sighs*?
Where’s the sun?
Why aren’t there any cars?
Why is that car going slow?
Why are we stopping?
Why are we going this way?
Why aren’t we taking the highway?
Why are you slowing down?
Are you lost?
Why are you lost?
Mommy, are you lost?
Why did you just say “shhh”?
Why are we turning around?
Why are we stopping?
Are we at the clinic?
Why did you yawn?
Where’s the door?
Why did the door open by itself?
Can I play?
I need a tissue.
Why are the tissues sitting like that?
Why are they sideways?
Are we leaving now?
Why are we leaving?
Why are you turning the car around?
This isn’t the way home.
Is this the way home?
Why are you slowing down?
What’s that car doing?
Are you going the wrong way?
Why are we speeding up?
Are we home yet?
As much as I overshare on my blog, I’m kind of glad I started it when the little hummingbird was a little over a year old or you would have heard and seen EVERYTHING going on with pregnancy, childbirth, and her first year.
I was thinking now that I have my blog, I wouldn’t bore you and decided not to overshare every little thing that happened with the baby bird. Then I saw him/her on the ultrasound and was so fucking happy that everything looks great with this little one.
I couldn’t take my eyes of the bird’s beating heart. I could have watched that all day long.
The hummingbird was excited at first but then couldn’t make out a damn thing and got bored fast. You’ll probably look at it too and think what the fuck am I looking at? The arrow is pointing at his head and the rest is his body.
He looks like a little bean. I should say her because now I’m thinking it’s a girl. But I really, really don’t care. As long as I give birth to a human baby, not a hippopotamus or an alligator or something weird like that, I’ll be very happy.
Here’s the baby bird’s debut.
Monday is the big day. It’s the first ultrasound for the baby bird. I am fucking terrified. I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs? I admit I’ve been a nervous wreck since I found out I was pregnant last month. I can’t bear the thought of finding out something is wrong… another miscarriage.
When I went to see my ob/gyn a few weeks ago, after asking some basic questions, she stopped and then asked what could she do to help me calm my nerves and feel more relaxed. She also gave me a hug.
I was fucking floored and wanted to cry after that. In a good way.
I NEVER experienced that kind of compassion when I was pregnant with the hummingbird and had to go to the military hospital in Bethesda and dealt with all of those asshole military doctors.
It finally feels like I’m healing from Postpartum PTSD after all this time. This pregnancy experience has been unbelievably better already and I feel like I actually have some say in these things, unlike last time when I just felt like I was ordered around with very little explanation.
Dr. Awesome even set me up to have my 20 week ultrasound along with a consultation for a VBAC with a clinic in Portland. Even if I don’t get the natural delivery I’ve been wanting since I was pregnant with the hummingbird, my doctor has already proven that I can trust her which is such a relief to me.
So, I don’t know why I’m still such a nervous wreck but I’m hoping that once I finally see the baby bird on the ultrasound, all of these nerves will finally settle down so I can enjoy the hell out of this pregnancy. Both the good and the bad that comes along with it… even the awful and constant morning sickness.
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