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What Spring?

The 4 1/2 yo little hummingbird was PISSED when she woke up this morning on the first day of Spring. She was expecting the sun to be shining, flowers in bloom, and birds chirping.

All she got were clouds, snow on the ground, and rain. Her little tirade had me in giggles. Mostly because she included “Well, shit!”.

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Benjamin

I went into preterm labor at 28 weeks pregnant. There were complications that I’d rather not get into right now and despite the best efforts of my doctor and nurses, we lost our son, Benjamin.

The little hummingbird isn’t really aware of what’s been going on and I’m not sure how to break it to a 4 year-old.

Earlier today, I had to fill out a cremation form and pick out an urn for my son. I wish all of this was just a nightmare.

I want to thank you all for your continued support.

*Sovay

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If I hear “why?” one more time, my head will explode and the hummingbird will grow up with a headless mother and that would really suck.

I thought the hummingbird was finally out of the why stage but it’s come back with a vengeance. I know she’s just curious and I should be more than happy to answer all of her why questions but it can drive me up the wall. Just today, I went to get blood work done and on the way to the clinic, she was full of questions.

My 4 year-old has also become quite the backseat driver. I answer her questions as best as I can but after awhile, I want to bang my head against a spike. I don’t know if it’s just little girls or if boys are just as “talky”.

Why do I have to wear my coat?

Why did you just make that noise *sighs*?

Where’s the sun?

Why aren’t there any cars?

Why is that car going slow?

Why are we stopping?

Why are we going this way?

Why aren’t we taking the highway?

Why are you slowing down?

Are you lost?

Why are you lost?

Mommy, are you lost?

Why did you just say “shhh”?

Why are we turning around?

Why are we stopping?

Are we at the clinic?

Why did you yawn?

Where’s the door?

Why did the door open by itself?

Can I play?

I need a tissue.

Why are the tissues sitting like that?

Why are they sideways?

Are we leaving now?

Why are we leaving?

Why are you turning the car around?

This isn’t the way home.

Is this the way home?

Why are you slowing down?

What’s that car doing?

Are you going the wrong way?

Why are we speeding up?

Are we home yet?

I’m hungry.

*Head Explodes*

*Radioactive

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Hello there, baby bird!

As much as I overshare on my blog, I’m kind of glad I started it when the little hummingbird was a little over a year old or you would have heard and seen EVERYTHING going on with pregnancy, childbirth, and her first year.

I was thinking now that I have my blog, I wouldn’t bore you and decided not to overshare every little thing that happened with the baby bird. Then I saw him/her on the ultrasound and was so fucking happy that everything looks great with this little one.

I couldn’t take my eyes of the bird’s beating heart. I could have watched that all day long.

The hummingbird was excited at first but then couldn’t make out a damn thing and got bored fast. You’ll probably look at it too and think what the fuck am I looking at? The arrow is pointing at his head and the rest is his body.

He looks like a little bean. I should say her because now I’m thinking it’s a girl. But I really, really don’t care. As long as I give birth to a human baby, not a hippopotamus or an alligator or something weird like that, I’ll be very happy.

Here’s the baby bird’s debut.

baby-bird1

*Smile

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Nerves

Monday is the big day. It’s the first ultrasound for the baby bird. I am fucking terrified. I can’t stop thinking about the what ifs? I admit I’ve been a nervous wreck since I found out I was pregnant last month. I can’t bear the thought of finding out something is wrong… another miscarriage.

When I went to see my ob/gyn a few weeks ago, after asking some basic questions, she stopped and then asked what could she do to help me calm my nerves and feel more relaxed. She also gave me a hug.

I was fucking floored and wanted to cry after that. In a good way.

I NEVER experienced that kind of compassion when I was pregnant with the hummingbird and had to go to the military hospital in Bethesda and dealt with all of those asshole military doctors.

It finally feels like I’m healing from Postpartum PTSD after all this time. This pregnancy experience has been unbelievably better already and I feel like I actually have some say in these things, unlike last time when I just felt like I was ordered around with very little explanation.

Dr. Awesome even set me up to have my 20 week ultrasound along with a consultation for a VBAC with a clinic in Portland. Even if I don’t get the natural delivery I’ve been wanting since I was pregnant with the hummingbird, my doctor has already proven that I can trust her which is such a relief to me.

So, I don’t know why I’m still such a nervous wreck but I’m hoping that once I finally see the baby bird on the ultrasound, all of these nerves will finally settle down so I can enjoy the hell out of this pregnancy. Both the good and the bad that comes along with it… even the awful and constant morning sickness.

*Fake Plastic Trees

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Positive

I was going to try to keep this on the down low but I’m so excited as well as very nervous and anxious. It’s difficult to keep this quiet for the next few months since I love to overshare… for better or worse.

If all goes well this time around, the hummingbird is going to be a big sister. Fingers and toes crossed! 

We were planning on waiting to try again early next year but my birth control pill had another fail. Whoops! I was taking it every day at the same time every night. Didn’t miss once… that I know of.

For the people I know in real life who read my blog, I would greatly appreciate it if you could keep this quiet for now. Mwah!

But I wanted to share this news with all of you who have been such wonderful support since the loss I had in July and beyond. I sincerely mean it and thank you all. You’ve all been so kind and absolute sweethearts.

Love ya! xoxo

My collection since I'm still in disbelief. lol

My collection since I’m still in disbelief. lol

*Love Song

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Close to home: The Navy Yard Shooting

I’ve never had anything like this hit so close to home before and I’m in such disbelief. My head was swirling around with the faces of the people my husband and I know who work at the Navy Yard. My husband’s former coworkers and our friends.

Not knowing if they’re safe or if we will later find out that they were a victim of such an unbelievable tradegy.

I think about one visit where we took our young daughter there. My husband introduced me to two older women who worked there and who absolutely adored our daughter. They had so many kind words for us, sharing in our excitement of being new parents. Telling me how much they love working with my husband.

This was like a family to us for 3 years. Sharing joys and some hard times. Sharing our lives; weddings, honeymoon photos, the births of our children, photos of our kids, broken relationships, promotions.

One woman in particular was the first person I thought of upon hearing the news of the shooting. “Olivia” was there from the start of my husband working at the Navy Yard. She worked across from my husband and was great support when we were new to Washington D.C.

I will never forget the congratulations we received from her and other coworkers/friends when our beautiful daughter was born. The “It’s A Girl” card many signed. Comforting emails of those from the workplace when our daughter was in the NICU, while my husband and I were going through such a difficult time.

The kindness from those, some I didn’t even know, made things a little easier on us, knowing we weren’t alone during a rough part of our lives.

The one woman, Olivia, is pregnant and due to be a new mom soon. She hasn’t left my thoughts, not knowing if she was safe. I can’t even imagine the horror that she and others experienced on Monday.

After waiting what seemed like forever, when in reality it was just a day, we found that she is safe and okay. As okay as someone can be in this kind of situation. Sadly, we found out we did know one of the victims in Monday’s shooting.

I know our hearts are heavy and full of pain from those we lost in such an unimaginable way. My thoughts go out to everyone who has been affected by such a senseless act.

*Breathe Me

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