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There it goes!

By Elle on May 16, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, marriage, ugh!

Years ago when my husband and I lived in Seattle we lived in a house (built in 1917) that had the creepiest mofo unfinished basement.

It smelled like dead people. I would dread it every time I went down there. It’s where the washer and dryer was so I was sure that when I went down to get the clothes, I would be murdered by something.

It was also where my husband set up his workshop.

One time, my husband told me that while he was down in the basement of horrors, he saw a mouse running across the floor.

Oh. Hell. No!

Not only did I have to deal with the thought of ghosts, demons, and Freddy Kreuger getting me while I was down there, I also had to deal with mice.

I don’t take too kindly to mice.

One night while my husband was down in the basement, I went to get the laundry out of the dryer.

Whether he was down there or not, when I had to go in the basement for whatever reason, I would have a mini heart attack. I would tip toe to the basement door as not to give whatever supernatural forces that were down there any warning that I was approaching, I would open the door, then I would race down the stairs, grab the laundry while my heart was thumping out of my chest, and race back up the stairs.

This time around, my husband told me that I just missed the mouse running near the dryer.

I wasn’t amused and my husband got the laundry out of the dryer for me while I stood by the basement stairs. When it all looked clear, I decided it was safe for me to got back near the dryer to grab the laundry basket.

That’s when my husband pointed out the mouse scurrying across the ledge of our basement wall and said “LOOK! There it goes!

I dropped that motherfucking laundry basket onto the floor, screamed, and ran up the basement stairs. I ran though the house, out of the front door, and down the stairs of our house to the sidewalk while still screaming. It’s a good think nobody called the cops.

I stood there barefoot on the sidewalk in front of our house and started laughing. By that time my husband had come upstairs to our living room when I walked back in the front door.

He was was cracking up and he kept on rubbing it in and saying “There it goes!” He got a good playful ass kicking.

I sent him out to get mouse traps the next morning. Not long after, he was sent on a 9 month deployment and I had to deal with the mouse traps. Eeeek!

To this day, he still loves keeping me on my toes by yelling out “There it goes!”

Bastard.

*Pomplamoose – Beat It

Comments { 1 }

Dear 20 Year-Old Me

By Elle on April 3, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, marriage, mommyhood, mother-in-law

So, I hear you recently got married and have a mother-in-law from hell. Let’s start with this whole marriage thing.

Marriage is hard as hell. You will have plenty of ups and downs over the years.

Hell, you’ll even have good years and bad years. Remember you have to work at marriage. “Through good times and bad, sickness and in health”, you have to be good to each other.

Sure, your husband will make you want to strangle him and you’ll want to fight back with hurtful words.

Don’t do it.

You’ll regret it later and wish you could take those hurtful words back. Once you let those words hang in the air, you can never take them back. Please keep that in mind.

Support him and be kind to each other.

Also keep in mind that he married you for YOU. He didn’t marry Martha Stewart.

So what if you’re not the domestic goddess you thought you would be when you were younger and idealized your life as an adult.

Don’t be hard on yourself because if you do, you’ll spend years beating yourself up over it. Don’t worry, you’ll be fine and make do with the skills you have and the things you really do enjoy doing.

A happy wife equals a happy husband.

Now for that mother-in-law. The worst mistake you can make is letting her walk all over you. She will beat you down with her words and actions and you just need to put her in her place and nip that in the bud right away.

Don’t let her get under your skin for years and years while you practically kill yourself trying to make her happy.

Guess what? Nothing you do will make her happy. Stand up to her and don’t let her push you around.

Sure, it will be awkward at first when you speak your mind but it’s better than letting this kind of treatment go on for several years. Be strong and don’t let her get you down. She’s not worth the trouble.

Now for motherhood. Get a puppy instead. Kidding!

Motherhood certainly isn’t black and white like you used to think. It’s a tricky little bastard and will keep your head swirling at night when it comes to the choices you make for your children.

“Was that the best decision?” “I didn’t have to say that to my daughter in such a nasty tone.” “I don’t feel like I’m doing this right.”

That and more will weigh you down if you let it. Remember you’re doing the best that you can when it comes to your child. It’s okay if you’re not crafty and can’t do 10,000 projects a week with your child or you get flustered and let them watch television while mommy has a time out. You’re not a bad mom.

Repeat after me, “I’m a great mother and do the best I can for my children.” Repeat 10 more times. Sometimes you might not be doing the best you can and that’s okay to. You, my dear, are only human.

Don’t worry if you pretend not to notice that sign up sheet to make baked goods for their entire preschool. Or you look like the Bride of Frankenstein when you drop them off at school while the other moms don’t have a hair out-of-place.

Last thing.

Love yourself. You will spend too many years trying to be someone you’re not just to try to fit in. Be yourself and be proud of who you are no matter how strange, quirky, and out-of-place you may feel.

If others don’t like it, tell them they can suck it.

Comments { 11 }

I Left My Heart In Seattle

By Elle on February 14, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, family, happiness, like totally awesome, love, marriage, military, mommyhood

*I almost pulled this post down because I didn’t like the way it worked out but it stays. I’ll go and drink a bottle of shut the fuck up now and let you read it. :^)

A while back, I asked you to give me some writing prompt suggestions and one of them was what has been my favorite and worst place to live. That’s a very easy one.

I feel weird telling you about my least favorite, especially if you live there but that would be Ft. Worth, TX. My in-laws live in the Dallas area so you can only imagine how awful that was with them being so close.

My favorite place, hands down, is SEATTLE!!!!! I LOVE the Pacific Northwest and have been homesick for it for years now. We lived there for about a year and a half, years ago but I miss it every day.

I’ve had some ask me what is it about Seattle that I like so much and I usually say it was everything. It just had the perfect combination of quirky, beauty, nature, entertainment, food, and everything else I ever wanted when it comes to where I want to live.

With my husband being in the military, we’ve lived many places and I will always be a California girl but when we moved to Seattle, it was the first time I really felt like I was home. May sound cheesy but it felt like the energy there along with mine really complimented each other.

Living there brought out the best of me. The me I know was hiding inside for years. I’m so horribly shy in real life but I even got the balls to study theater while living there. That and writing have always been my true loves.

My husband was gone for a HUGE part of the time that we lived there but I really flourished while living in Seattle, being mostly on my own. Just a few weeks after moving there, my hubby went on deployment and it was really hard to be in an unknown place by myself so soon but then I discovered one of the most awesome things a few days later.

BUMBERSHOOT!

I had such a love affair with Seattle the whole time I was there. I plan on moving there and making it our permanent home once the hubby gets out of the Navy in 3 or so years and I’m so excited.

I could still see possibly staying in Northern California but moving back to Seattle has been in my mind from the day we had to move from there.

In case you’re curious, I really don’t think it rains as much there as people think. I actually found it comforting and thought Seattle was one of the most active cities that I’ve ever lived in.

My MIL knows how much I love it there so seeing how tactful she is…*snort*… she can always find something wrong with our plans to move back there for good. And of course it’s my fault that my husband also loves it there as much as I do. She thinks it’s all my fault that he doesn’t want to move back near them in Texas and has told me in so many words.

So, in case I didn’t already make it clear HA, I had such a love affair with Seattle and it’s the only place in the whole world that I want to live. Well there and Ireland, but Ireland is a whole other story.

What’s your dream place to live?

Comments { 5 }

Please don’t tweet.

By Elle on September 17, 2012 in hubby, marriage

Last week my husband sent me an email about work and at the end he put “please don’t tweet”.

I find it funny that since I share so much about our lives on here, my hubby actually has to let me know when I shouldn’t say anything.

So, here I am saying something about it but I didn’t tweet it. That counts for something, right?

After my husband got home, we laughed about the no tweet part at the end of his email and I told him “you know I’m blogging about this, don’t you?” He gave me a sigh and said “I know”.

Such is the life of the husband of a blogger….and writer. ;^)

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What you should never say to a military spouse.

By Elle on May 11, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, hubby, marriage, military

When my husband was in college, it never occurred to either of us that he would have a career in the military. Once he graduated, we weighed the pros and cons and within a few months he joined the Navy and took his oath.

Before we knew it, it was time for him to go to OCS (Officer Candidate School) and as much as I prepared myself for my husband (of less than a year) to be gone for months, I found that I was far from prepared.

He was under enough stress when it came to getting ready but I unfortunately added to his stress.

In some ways I felt like he was abandoning me and I started picking ridiculous fights with him. I found that by doing so, I was distancing myself from him emotionally so it would be easier when he was gone.

I quickly learned that I would just end up feeling guilty and wanted to tell my husband how sorry I was but it wasn’t like I could just pick up the phone.

For the next 12 years his deployments never got easier and I missed him just as much as the first time he was deployed.

Sure, I became more self-sufficient all of those times I was alone (I pride myself on being somewhat of a plumbing ninja with all of the sinks and toilets I fixed over the years) but there was a huge part of me missing.

My husband.

Being a military wife is like being on the most thrilling but at the same time one of the scariest rollercoaster rides that you can experience.

Like being a mom.

I’ll never forget when I was 8 months pregnant with my daughter and we were living in Washington, D.C. My husband came home from work and I just knew something was going on. He told me they want to send him to Afghanistan in the next few weeks and he’ll be gone for a year.

I felt so selfish and guilty that I wanted somebody else to be deployed instead of my husband but after a very tense next couple of weeks, someone else was sent after all.

It turned out that once the powers that be found out my husband was recovering from a broken foot, he was deemed too much of a risk.

In all the years that he’s been in the Navy, the one thing that’s like fingers on a chalkboard to me are the times he was deployed and the most frequent comment I would get is Well, that’s what you signed up for.

It feels like the person saying that is dismissing my feelings. That’s probably why my mother-in-law was the worst offender when my husband was deployed.

Just because my husband is in the military doesn’t mean that it’s easier when he leaves or that we miss each other less. I feel in some ways it’s much harder because of the danger involved.

So, if there’s a military spouse in your life, give them a shoulder to lean on. And a hug. Hugs are always good.

Do you have a spouse in the military or one that travels frequently? How do you handle the separation? What would you like people to know?

Comments { 3 }

Banging my head against a spike would be more fun.

By Elle on March 29, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, buttmunch, crazazy, hold me, holy hell, hubby, life is funny, marriage, mommyhood, my brain is melting, the little hummingbird, would you like some cheese with your whine?

This is a totall recall post which is something I repost ~~because I’m being too much of a lazy ass~~ because I like that I can look back and see what I was doing then.

I wrote this when we were making the move from D.C. to Northern California in July 2010. I would never want to do that move again unless we flew. Driving was awful, especially since the hummingbird could only tolerate being in her carseat for 5 or 6 hours which made the move much longer.

I could swear I’ve already used this as a total recall post so if I did, pretend you’ve never read it before. ;^)

Banging my head against a spike would be more fun

July 22, 2010

The hubby will be known as buttmunch for this post.

Cue the Law and Order music.

DUH DUH

The buttmunch and I were packing and trying to get everything together since we were going to a hotel that night. I had the little girl’s things packed and went to get my things together. I asked my buttmunch if he could go downstairs and get some toys for the little girl.

DUH DUH

Around 8pm that night we were on the way to the hotel and the buttmunch went back to the house to pack some more. Soon after, I put the little girl to bed. I called the buttmunch a few times to remind him what to bring back to the hotel.

DUH DUH

The next morning my buttmunch went back to the house since the movers were coming, so it was just me and my daughter. After breakfast I went over to a box that the buttmunch brought and looked through it for toys.

DUH DUH

There weren’t any there so I looked through a few bags. Not there. I looked through her bag, my bag, the buttmunch’s bag. Nada. I was starting to panic but before I went into freak out mode, I looked through EVERYTHING again. Nope.

DUH DUH

It was raining outside and there wasn’t anything for her to play with inside. The little girl just had a few books I had packed in her bag and normally she loves to “read” her books. She must have smelled the fear on me because when I would give her a book, she would throw it on the ground and give me a bitch, please look.

Then she started to run around the room and whine. It was her special whine. The kind that makes me feel like my head is going to explode any minute.

DUH DUH

I then called the buttmunch. When he answered I politely and in a very calm tone, and not at all yelling *coughnotcough*, told him that we didn’t have any toys at the hotel room. He couldn’t bring the toys by (and I didn’t have the car) since he was waiting for the movers and told me that I “had the stroller, so there was that“.

May I remind you that it was raining.

DUH DUH

Buttmunch.

DUH DUH

I found a pack of tic tacs that she grabbed at the store the day before. She wouldn’t let them go and chewed off most of the wrapper so they were ours for keeps. Those only amused her for a few minutes.

While the little girl was racing around the room, I sat on the couch dazed from the lack of caffeine. I contemplated dragging the both of us to the hotel lobby so I could get my hands on some coffee and the little girl could run around in a bigger space.

To get to the lobby we had to go outside and walk what seemed like a mile in the pouring rain, so I decided it was best to just stay in the room.

DUH DUH

While I was twitching around from my caffeine withdrawal and a whiny toddler, I found two plastic spoons. I thought “Yay, she loves spoons!” A few seconds after giving her one, she dropped it on the nasty hotel room carpet. The same carpet that turned her white socks black within a few hours.

So I threw it away and gave her the second spoon. Same thing. Finally, I just let her start throwing things out of our bags onto the nasty carpet. The carpet Dateline NBC says is covered in fecal matter, salmonella, and sperm. I guess there are a lot of chickens that stay at hotels and have booty sex.

While the little girl was going through the bags, she struck gold. She found a Ziploc bag full of tampons, the ones that come in bright colors. She was entranced with my bag o’ tampons. The little girl started roaming around the room with the bag, shaking it and holding it above her head.

This kept her occupied for about 10 minutes. While she was playing with her new toy, I was looking through the bags again, not for toys but for anything resembling caffeine. No such luck.

DUH DUH

After she got bored with the bag, I spent the next seven hours repeatedly singing the Elmo Duck Song, Elmo’s Song, and letting her play with my cell phone (which surprisingly still works). I also got quite a workout staying in a room that wasn’t child-proofed. Finally after one of the longest. days. ever, the buttmunch came back to the room.

DUH DUH

Hmmm, what’s that sound? Is it me saying no sex for a week? Well, that’s nothing new.

*We’re still not in California. It has taken us forever to drive across the country and as of this morning we are in New Mexico, about an hour from Arizona. I finally got my hands on a new laptop (thanks to my sweet hubby, the buttmunch).

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My antidepressant has made my downtown lady depressed. cue the more you know rainbow

By Elle on March 1, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, anxiety, depression, hubby, marriage, too much info

After being on an antidepressant for the last several months, my lady friend down south is not a happy camper. I know that’s one of the side effects but c’mon, you’d think that by now they would’ve come up with something to help liven up a woman’s Southern lady.

So, I can either be depressed and have my sex drive fall off a cliff or I can be on medication and have my sex drive be obsolete. Yay!

I’ve gone so long without sex that I think my virginity grew back. Too bad I didn’t regain my bladder control too.

I tried a lower dose of my medication but it didn’t go well. I’m still not at a place where I can do that yet.

My doctor really thinks the med I’m on is the best for me since it’s for depression and anxiety.

I was on a 30 Day Shred kick, hoping more exercise would help, but recently I’ve been working out for a few minutes and then giving up. I go and grab some chips or ice cream and I watch while Jillian Michaels and her exercise buddies sweat their asses off. Better them than me, right? bwahahaha

I got a $30 bottle of an herbal supplement at Whole Foods that’s supposed to help a woman’s libido but it hasn’t worked. It would probably help if I opened the bottle and actually took it though. ;^)

Even though I talk to my therapist about everything else, it’s hard to bring up the loss of my sex drive. Instead I write about it and send it off into the interwebs because that’s how I roll.

So, here’s a question to you dear readers. If you’ve been on an antidepressant at one time or another and your sex drive became non-existant, did you just wait it out? Shots of Vodka? If you’d like to answer privately then please don’t hesitate to email me. When it comes to my hubby, I really want to tap that.

~~~~~

**Make sure to check out the new website What The Flicka? that was founded by actress Felicity Huffman and where I’m a contributing writer. For weeks I’ve been dying to say something but I was afraid I’d jinx it.