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When You Go Out Of Your Way To Make A Nice Meal For Your Family And They Kind Of End Up Being A**holes About It.

1350591749695_7822193*I’m still sick and I have to say, I am the biggest pussy ever when it comes to having a cold. It definitely makes you see just how good you have it when you’re healthy.

Last week, when I was in my “pre-sick” stage, I wanted to make a nice dinner for my husband and the little hummingbird. It’s also the day that I made the incredibly orgasmic mini salted caramel apple pies.

Even though we’re a family of 3, it’s such a pain in the ass to get everyone on the same page when it comes to agreeing on what to make for a meal. Okay, actually I need to take that back. My husband will eat anything. Even some of the most horrible, OMG, what the fuck went wrong meals I’ve made over the years.

It’s my 5 year-old daughter who is picky, picky, picky.

Here’s where I have to say I for the most part ate pretty much everything my mom made. She was a single mom for many years and we had several meals of those cheap pot pies. She did the best that she could to feed us so I absolutely appreciate her efforts.

Come to think of it, I was probably more of a whiny little kid when it came to the food we had but I did my best to eat what she was able to afford.

Anyway, as a parent, there is probably at least one time, if not more, where you make a nice dinner for your family and go out of your way to cover all of the different tastes for them. It’s a pain in the ass but damn it, you want everyone to sit down, have a nice dinner, and not bitch and complain.

This particular night did not go as planned. Of course it didn’t. Fuckity fuck!

It may not seem like a fabulous dinner but I made buffalo macaroni and cheese. The perfect comfort food. So delicious and kid friendly. I even made a special casserole dish of it for the hummingbird.

I was running an hour behind though and everyone was bitchy by the time I was able to serve it up.

I was also bitchy and a total asshole to my husband because while preparing this meal, I realized that while I went to the store earlier, I forgot to get half and half. Fuck!

Then I flipped the hell out and sent my poor husband to the quick mart down the road. He was trying to be helpful and offer alternatives but I was all like NO! I FUCKING NEED THIS FUCKING HALF AND HALF, FUCKING FUCK!

Not one of my proudest moments… obviously.

I finally get this dinner in order and on the table. But did my family appreciate it? Hell no!

My hubby chowed down without breathing because he was so damn hungry and my daughter whined and said she didn’t like it. She wanted me to make Kraft mac n’ cheese instead.

And I had to get up multiple times for my daughter. “Can you please get me a napkin, mom? I wanted juice instead. I dropped my fork, can you get another one? My food is cold now, can you microwave it? Now my food is too hot and I can’t eat it. I don’t like this. Can I have something else?”

OMG! Really, people? REALLY?!

So, I sat there and cried. I totally lost it and cried while thinking fuck this shit.

I sat on the couch and cursed my family under my breath while my husband and daughter happily played together after dinner.

But then, I kinda sorta pulled it together and we had those delicious apple pies for dessert.

And all was finally good again.

Because mmmm, pie!

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Edible Coconut Body Frosting

coconut-body-frosting2 (1)Since my last pregnancy, my libido went way down. Add to that having our 5 year-old doing everything she can to sleep in our bedroom and my sex drive said see ya!

But lately, my sex drive has taken off and I was in a search to find something edible to use. I was surprised to find that while it seems like every place I looked had vibrators disguised with names like “personal touch”, there weren’t any edible lubricants to be found.

Sure, I can go to a sex shop or online but it baffled me that a place like a drugstore had a vibrator called “explore” for 50 dollars but nothing at all for some edible fun.

That’s when I thought I’d just make some myself. I use coconut oil in some skin care products I make and decided to give that a whirl. I made a quick trip to the grocery store in hopes that I would find some chocolate extract but they seemed to have every flavor except that.

As people lingered in the baking aisle, I stood there debating what flavor I wanted to lick off my husband. Raspberry? Orange? Vanilla? Hmmm, choices, choices. I decided on coconut extract.

After I made it, let’s just say the results are pretty satisfying. Each batch will probably keep for about 3 months but check it every now and then to make sure it’s not funky. Please don’t use this with condoms as I’m sure that wouldn’t be good for the latex and little hummingbirds may result.

What You’ll Need:

1/2 cup coconut oil

1 teaspoon extract of your choice

clean container with lid

Directions:

Put coconut oil and extract into a small bowl or mixer. Whip on medium until fluffy. This makes half a cup. Store in container with lid and make sure it’s handy when the mood hits.

Enjoy!

*If you may be having a dry spell in the sex department, as couples do, you could use this as a skin moisturizer. If you’re in need of a quick snack or the health benefits of coconut oil, voila!… lick it off your skin. Yes, expect very strange looks from people, then offer a lick. Total icebreaker.

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Anonymous Parent: Wanting To Break Free

I started a blog a while back called Anonymous Parent but decided to incorporate it into this blog. It is absolutely confidential. Completely anonymous. If you would like to share your story, please go here, Anonymous Parent.

This story comes from “Sylvia”. Let’s give her the support she needs.

~~~~~~~~~~

I think about divorcing my husband every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. We have two amazing kiddos and they are the only thing holding me to him at this point.

My parents have been married for over 30 years and I don’t want to let them down.

But the real reason I won’t divorce him is because I’m terrified he’ll kill me if I try to leave.

He’s never hit me or been physically abusive, but he’s talked about killing other people and made references to getting rid of me if I take his kids away.

He seems to love me, but spends most of his time being extremely angry. I walk in the door from work and almost every day I am met with a tirade of angry words and yelling. It’s getting so exhausting.

I don’t know what to do with him or myself, and I just want to protect my kids from him. I am so tired. Sooo tired.

I work full time and go to school at night, once a week, and he acts like that time is my “rest time” from the kids.

If I try to take a day away to just be by myself and think, he freaks out and tells me I’m selfish.

He has no coping mechanisms other than drinking and yelling. I just want to take my kids and RUN AWAY! But I won’t.

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Hey Siri, Play Guns N’ Roses, November Rain. Siri: Forecast For Tomorrow, 63 Degrees And Mild.

autocorrect1

Technology is supposed to make things easier but obviously, there are times when you wish you kept a sledgehammer handy.

My husband finally got a smartphone. Since he’s in the military, at his last job, he had to have a phone without a camera for security reasons. He would give me shit for the obsession I have with my iPhone but now he’s currently having quite the love affair with Siri. And it’s driving me crazy.

Mostly because Siri acts like a drunk crackhead.

Sure, it’s pretty entertaining but Siri, get your shit together! The husband asks Siri things over and over and over again and in that time, he could have easily Googled the same thing hundreds of times.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: Forecast for tomorrow is mild at 63.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: I found rain on Wikipedia. Let me get that for you now.

Husband: Hey Siri, look up cats farting.

Hummingbird: *giggles*

Siri: Hi Husband, what can I help you with?

~~~~~

I don’t usually deal with Siri on my phone but my husband convinced me to give it a shot. To save my sanity, I’ll pass on Siri for now.

Me: Hey Siri, email husband.

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, email Husband.

Siri: Which song would you like?

Me: Hey Siri, email HUSBAND!

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, you dumbfuck… EMAIL HUSBAND!

Siri: Playing video, Californication.

Me: SIRI! CALL HUSBAND!

Siri: Would you like home, cell, or other?

Me: Cell.

Siri: Facetime with Eric beginning now.

Stab! Stab! Stab!

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Guest Post: Breaking Dawn

This guest post comes from Scott Williams. He’s a writer who was first published in his 4th grade school newspaper. He was later published in a book of poetry that was most likely a scam, but he was published none the less. Choosing to see this as a symbol of honor, he never gave up writing.

When he found out he was going to be a dad for the first time, Scott decided to start this new adventure in a way he had never attempted. He started his own blog. And thus Raising Hubigail was born.

~~~~~~~~~~

This happened. Click for previous part.

I honestly don’t know why I called this Breaking Dawn. Maybe my subconscious was trying to find a correlation between my frustration, angst, and pointless drama, and an equally pointless source of drama, angst, and frustration. That’s right. I just slammed the Twilight saga.

Oh, I was going to tell you the most frustrating thing my wife does. It isn’t just one thing. It is the combination of several things at any given time.

After all the human father guy has been through just in the beginning, there is a myriad of obstacles he has yet to even realize. And, they only get worse as time goes on. Lets explore a few of them, shall we? Keep in mind that many if not all of these examples are the direct result of the changes a woman goes through during the “miracle” of child birth.

We, as men, acknowledge this fact and do not blame the woman. That only makes it ten times more frustrating.

Pregnancy Brain Fog!

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I feel I should explain what I believe is the source of all of this. Here we were enjoying life. My wife and I are very much the same. We don’t enjoy shopping. Each trip is usually “an in and out as quick as we can” sort of adventure (unless it is a Walmart date). We think the same and feel the same about almost everything. Drama is the worst thing ever invented. Stupid people annoy us. Inconsiderate people annoy us even more. Unfortunately, there are so much of all of this taking over the world. Because of this, we like to stay home and enjoy each others company rather than venture out and come back irritated and frustrated.

Since my wife got pregnant, life has changed dramatically (the worst way for anything to change ever invented). Whether it be the grocery store, school, the doctor’s office, or all the other things that seem to pop up, we always need to be going somewhere. Thus, our exposure to the previously mentioned unsavory people is greatly increased.

Additionally, my wife’s pregnancy brain fog has taken a hold of her. But it comes and goes. It is very similar to watching a person in the early stages of dementia. Trust me, I have some experience with that. They have their own sort of logic and you never quite know where their mind is. Sometimes they seem completely functional and able to do everything. But, since you have been paying attention all this time, you know that this could be a trick as dementia patience are prone to hide their condition.

You have to be ready at any time to correct or complete a story. You also need to be able to add details to what they are saying as they tend to forget that the first part of the conversation was in their head or that the other person is unaware of facts they have no reason to be aware of. This is very draining.

Occasionally, they have a moment of clarity and realize exactly what is going on. This is both good and bad. It is good because I have these occasional wonderful moments with the woman I married. Bad because it makes all the other times that much worse. Unlike dementia, this pregnancy brain fog is contagious. So, now we have two mindless people on alternating schedules of clarity.

Sort of the blind leading the blind scenario. On the rare occasion that we are both clear at the same time, 99.9% of that time it is ruined by having to go somewhere and deal with people we don’t care to (see above section about stupid and inconsiderate people) rather than enjoy our time together. This is the reason that I am always running 4 levels above the normal “frustration zone”. I just want my wife back.

Walking or the inability to do so.

pregnant-on-beachYou may be thinking this is just a still shot. You would be wrong. This is a full speed video of a pregnant woman walking. I don’t know how many times my wife and I have been walking somewhere and all of a sudden she was gone. I looked back and there she was standing in the middle of the road or in any other worst possible place to stop, rubbing her belly.

Never did she utter a single word or signal to me that she was no longer by my side. Really, it was a surprise every time. She now just grabs my arm and pulls me to a stop with her. Still in the middle of the street or at the edge of a cliff that is quickly eroding. She pauses to let a contraction pass or catch her breath while I stare into the eyes of our impending death.

What’s worse is that any time we go anywhere it takes forever to do anything. Everything is sssslllloooowwww mmmmoooottttiiiioooonnnn. Walking through Walmart is equally as frustrating as getting stuck behind a car going 25 mph on a road where it is absolutely impossible to pass. You are not in a hurry. You are not going to be late for anything. No big deal. You can wait.

But, what if you drove this road every day? What if every day you get stuck behind this car? What if every day there is a line of cars building up behind you and you know they think you are the one who is driving slow even though you have veered off to the right side several times to let them see that there is a car in front of you?

And, what if said line of cars has had enough and they drive as close to you as they can without actually touching your bumper while honking and alternating between flipping the bird and loading their firearm? Multiply that feeling by ten. Oh the humanity.

*Read the full post here.

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Tooth Fairy Drama And Other Mythical Tales

1kids-are-so-much-braver-than-adults-if-i-believed-a-fairy-collected-human-teeth-from-beneath-pillows-id-never-sleep-again-f402b

The hummingbird lost her first tooth last summer when she was 4. She was understandably in pain and feeling miserable. But not as miserable as she was after we told her the tooth fairy was coming and would leave her a present.

I don’t remember ever fearing the tooth fairy but it was mostly because I would get money. Sure, it was only 50 cents or even a dollar but I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

The hummingbird, however, was anything but excited about getting a present from the tooth fairy. I get that a fairy coming into your house at night while you’re sleeping is pretty damn creepy so my husband and I tried to calm her down.

But she would not go to sleep, in fear for her life over the dreaded tooth fairy.

That’s when the whole tag team parenting thing went into effect. Where you and your spouse start pulling things out of your ass and work with each other, trying to come up with anything to calm your kid down. Or whatever the situation may require.

I told my 4 year-old that I would call the tooth fairy to let them know they weren’t needed that night. That didn’t work so I said I’ll call the tooth fairy and she can speak to him herself.

I repeated to her that she can personally speak to the tooth fairy and that’s when my husband caught on and suddenly, he had to make a trip to the bathroom.

So, the hummingbird was able to talk to the tooth fairy aka the hubby in a really high voice on the phone, and she seemed to relax.

As soon as we tucked her into bed for the 3rd or 4th time that night, we were ready to pat ourselves on the back. We felt like we rocked this parenting thing.

Before we could even sit down in the other room, she came out and was still scared as hell about the freaking tooth fairy. It was a very long night.

The next day, I told her we struck a deal with the tooth fairy and she was able to go to the toy store to pick out something. I figured she had the reaction she had because she was still so young.

She recently lost another tooth and holy hell, the tooth fairy drama came back in full force. I reassured her that he wouldn’t come to the house, bribed her so she would go to sleep, begged her to go to sleep, and then she got her way and slept in our room despite calling and emailing the tooth fairy that night.

But she was still terrified and since my husband had to run to the store anyway, we told her that he was meeting up with the tooth fairy to collect her present.

Later on, I basically told my husband “fuck this tooth fairy stuff”, we need to tell her that they don’t exist.

It’s one thing if your kid enjoys it but needless to say, the hummingbird was not that kid.

At first she was confused but I think she got it. She knew that parents are really the tooth fairy. I had to also be sure to let her know that she needs to be careful and not let other kids know. That this is something they will find out on their own later on.

When she asked if the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus were real, I assured her that they were. I felt like shit but didn’t want to burst the bubble for my 5 year-old.

I figure there is always that one asshole kid you have in your class while growing up that spills all those things and ruins it for the other kids. I remember the dickhead in 2nd grade who told all the kids in the class that Santa Claus wasn’t real.

While I loved Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny was actually my favorite when I was a kid.

I love the pretty clothes, Easter egg hunts, fluffy stuffed bunnies, not having to write out all of those holiday cards, coloring eggs, and most importantly, those orgasmic peanut butter cup shaped eggs and Cadbury chocolate eggs. Although, I could do without eating so many eggs because everyone in the house end up having smelly egg farts. Don’t light a match!

When I was about 6, a tragic chain of events occurred and scarred me forever when it came to the Easter Bunny.

Okay, not really, but damn it, I still want to believe that there really IS an Easter Bunny that hops around, spreading chocolate joy and sugar highs to many kids and adults.

So, one night I was in bed and supposed to be asleep. At the time, my mom was single and worked a few jobs. My grandmother lived with us and was watching me that night.

I set out a few carrots for the Easter Bunny and could not wait until the next morning. My excitement kept me up late. That’s when I heard my mom coming home from work.

My mom and grandmother were talking about different things and I was finally feeling sleepy. As I was lying there half asleep, I heard my mom talking about the Easter Bunny.

That’s when it happened.

I heard my mom crunching on a carrot.

OH MY GOD!!!

NOOOO!

At first I thought that was so mean of her to eat the Easter Bunny’s carrot but as I heard more of the conversation she was having with my grandmother, I found that my beloved bunny wasn’t real after all.

I thought about freaking her out by running down the hall into the living room and catching her in the act. Oh, how glorious that would have been.

Instead, I decided to just go along with it because it seemed to make her happy.

Mostly though, in my kid state of mind, I was afraid if I did say something, all of that candy I would get every year would stop.

Hmmm, now that I think about it, maybe this is why my husband drives me crazy every time I hear him crunching on carrots.

When did you or your kids find out the truth about these tall tales? How did you or they find out?

*You’re The One That I Want

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How To Survive A Visit From Your In Laws

1324012756612_5703688My in laws have finally left and surprisingly, I survived. I pretty much avoided them and stayed out of their way as much as possible. Unless of course they took us out to eat. Because HELLO, FREE FOOD! Who the hell doesn’t like a free meal?! Nobody, that’s who.

If I didn’t avoid them as much as I was able to, I would probably be writing this with pencil and paper from a prison cell. I would’ve been all Orange Is The New Black but really though, orange just isn’t my color.

Well, it isn’t really anyone’s color, except for maybe super hotties like Mark Ruffalo, Ryan Gosling, Chris Hemsworth, Liev Schrieber, or perhaps even the always gorgeous Kerry Washington and Robin Wright.

But I’m totally getting off point here.

For the low, low price of zilch, zero, nada, you too can follow these easy steps to survive your visiting in laws.

Take notes, people! There may be a pop quiz later on.

Step 1: Drink… A Lot. Vodka or wine in a coffee mug is a great choice. Especially one that has been hand painted by your child. It will look sweet and innocent but at the same time, you’ll be getting plastered. It’s a win win.

Hiding your alcohol intake will be one less thing your mother in law will judge you by and bitch about. It will also make it more tolerable and entertaining when your in laws tell you stories about your spouse growing up that you’ve heard 1oo times before.

Step 2: Fake an illness (cramps, bloating, pms, mad cow disease, problematic anal warts) and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Make sure to let out a few groans of pain in their presence.

Step 3: Fake raging diarrhea and hide out in your bedroom with chocolate and a good book. Nobody questions diarrhea. Ever.

Step 4: See steps 1-3.

Happy visiting!

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