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I’m Not Really Sure What I’m Trying To Say Or If I Even Have A Point So, I Guess It’s Like Anything Else I Write On Here

Obviously, I haven’t been as dedicated to my blog in the last year as I was for the first 4 years. And I’ve been trying to figure out why because I really miss it. I’m still writing but not on here very often. But the other week it hit me. It’s self-doubt, among some other things.

Yes, I may sound like a whiny bitch but when I came across some things last summer about people doubting I was ever pregnant with my son that I lost last year or if I’m even a mom at all what the fuckity fuck?!, that just put a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to writing on my blog and over sharing. I just felt like “fuck this”. I know I’m way too sensitive but it’s hard to accept that there are people like that out there. If I read something I don’t like on a blog, I move on and don’t rip that person to shreds. Especially since there are a billion other blogs to read.

No, not everyone has to love me or what I write but damn, I openly share these things about myself because not only do I feel better when I’m so open… it’s kind of like therapy, I know what it feels like to think you’re the only person out there who’s going through depression, anxiety, the what the fucks of parenting and motherhood, and figuring out what the hell is up with this husband guy I live with and his never ending snoring and grinding of his teeth and lack of talking or talking too much when I have that special one night a year to enjoy The Oscars and the butthead talks all the way through the ceremony and I want to punch him in the balls. Really, hubby? Really? You rarely talk as it is but talk nonstop the one time of year when I’d prefer your usual silence??

So, yeah. I used to think my blog was a safe haven in a way but since last year, I worry about anything I may write and what may possibly be picked apart elsewhere.

But I know I should say fuck it. This type of thing comes along with the territory although knowing there’s a site out there specifically to rip apart women bloggers is unsettling.

The grief I’ve been experiencing more and more from the loss of Ben has also had such an effect on my desire to write. His first birthday would have been June 4th and the closer that date comes, the harder it is to get my ass out of bed and somehow function as best as I can.

We also recently found out that while we have one more year in Maine, the owners are coming back this summer and we have just a few months to find a house, pack, and move by July. And since my husband will be retiring from the Navy next summer, we then have to move again to what we hope will be our permanent home somewhere on the west coast.

I’ve logged into my blog many times to write about each of these things but since knowing that whatever I write may be put under a microscope by others and judged, it sucks. And to be blunt, it’s very hurtful.

But then I think there may still be those who actually read what I write because they like it. At least I hope they do. And that’s exactly who I should put my focus on.

It’s so true how you can have people say 10 positive things about you but it’s the one negative thing that will be what sticks out in your mind.

I need to stop thinking about those who will always have negative things to say or may hate read my blog.

I need to go back to writing the way I used to. Writing without having all of this self-doubt about how others will perceive it.

Fun little fact… I took an Ambien an hour ago so if this doesn’t make a smidgen of sense, there you go!

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An In-Law Visit: Your Ass Will Need A Nap After This

Hola! I’ve been taking a break from my blog for a bit but I’m baaaack. So, my in-laws recently came to visit for 5 days. 5 fucking days of hell. I’m so very jealous of people who have such nice in-laws and get along so well with them.

Can we please trade? No? I don’t blame you.

After a lot of time goes by from their visit, I think “Well, maybe they aren’t so bad after all.” But when they come back to visit, I think yes, yes they sure as hell are!

My mother-in-law, as usual, gave me plenty of her quips and witchy ways and I still don’t get what’s up her ass to be like that towards me.

Example: At breakfast one morning, we had pancakes. I asked the little hummingbird if she’d like syrup on them since she usually does. Simple, right?

But as usual, when I direct a question to my 6 year-old or husband, my MIL always, always, always has to interject.

Me: Little bird, would you like some syrup?

Little bird: That’s okay, I don’t need any.

Me: Are you sure?

Little bird: Yeah.

Mother-In-Law to Me: Aren’t you listening? She can make her own decisions and said she doesn’t want any! Why don’t you just leave her alone?!

Yeah, she got many digs like that in, just like she always does.

My FIL spent most of the time, like every time they visit, lecturing and rambling on. Completely oblivious to the fact that everyone becomes fidgety and bored. This man is like natural ambien.

I actually recorded some of what he was talking about, pretending like I was taking pictures when we were out to lunch one day. It was for the purpose of emailing it to my mom and sister since they are entertained by him but at the same time, can’t believe the shit he talks about.

It’s very difficult to not only follow whatever he’s saying but also impossible to chime in and try to steer his lectures conversation in another direction.

This is just a transcript from the 1 minute 32 second (it went on for 45 minutes) recording I did. And let me tell you, doing this transcript was as exciting as watching grass grow.

I started recording while he was in the middle of talking about whatever the hell he was talking about. I was so tuned out but mostly heard Blah, blah, blah, DNA. Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, DNA, blah. It’s like listening to adults in the Charlie Brown cartoons.

Father-In-Law: The authors had incurred their names and some sayings into a DNA. Either 4 letters and you could just use those letters to, um, to represent any letters if you put 2 or 3 together so you can make a code.

And then you can in code your name into it. What he did, uh, he’s done some pretty neat things with DNA and printings so he… his book that he just recently published, and he printed the whole thing and coded into one DNA strand and then he replicated it.

He put 70 billion copies on his book into a single drop of DNA onto this piece of paper that was smaller than a period. 70 billion copies.

The idea is that through DNA, it’s a more efficient way of storing things than the most advanced computers right now.

Here’s how the hummingbird felt about the 45 minute lunch while he was talking.

fil-talking

Me too, hummingbird. Me too.

Have you had to endure any visits from your in-laws recently? 

Updated: In case you’d like to stroll down memory lane, here are a few more of my in-law posts. A Lack Of Boundaries With A Side Of Ranch Dressing, How My MIL Ruined My Wedding And Made Me Want To Set Myself On Fire Just So I Could Get Away From Her Crazy, and When You Wish Upon A Star… And It’s Stuck… Up Where?!

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Marriage Before Kids Vs. Marriage After

Sex

Before – Having sex anywhere you please and for as long as you want.

After – Lying in bed together late at night, getting frisky, and then a few minutes later, hear the slightest noise and scramble to put your clothes back on when it just ended up being one of your cats getting into mischief.

The next morning while our young daughter is watching her favorite cartoons, run into the bathroom together, lock the door, and have a quickie. But our daughter always seems to have the spidey sense to figure out we’re missing and starts banging on the door, asking us why it’s locked. “Um, uh, your dad and I had something we needed to talk about really quick.” Or “Oh, was the door locked? I’m not sure how that happened.”

Showers

Before – Taking a shower and having my husband walk into the bathroom to join me.

After – Taking a shower and having my husband walk into the bathroom while I start thinking “Oooh, nice. We haven’t done this in a while.” Only to have him end up digging through the cabinets to find a princess band-aid for our kid’s boo boo. Also, having my husband and I actually say boo boo.

Romantic Nights In

Before – Cuddling on the couch, sipping some wine, and watching a movie.

After – Watching the same episode of Daniel Tiger for the 50th fucking time.

Talking About Our Day

Before – Having all the time in the world to discuss matters.

After – Trying to talk to each other while your kid says Mom? Mom? Mom? Dad? Mom? Mom?

Or talking as fast as an auctioneer when your kid leaves the room and trying to get in a week’s worth of talking within a few minutes.

Or filing it in your brain under “we can wait and talk about this without interruption once our child has moved out of the house”.

Going Out To Dinner

Before – Going to a sushi place and getting tipsy on sake.

After – Going to the “fancy” McDonald’s with a playground.

 Car Trips

Before – Listening to whatever you want, getting flirty and handsy with your husband, and being able to talk for hours.

After – Listening to your child start asking “are we there yet?” within 2 minutes of leaving for your destination because holy hell, they really do ask that and it’s not just something you see kids do in movies and get stuck hearing a Kidz Bop cd over and over while you try with all of your might to keep yourself from opening the car door and jumping out of a moving vehicle so you can escape the most annoying music you’ve ever heard.

What are some things you miss doing in your relationship after having kids? Also, can we start a petition to ban all Kidz Bop music for the sanity of all future parents?

*Sergei Polunin

** I got the hummingbird a Kidz Bop Christmas cd a few months ago and it was kinda cute the first time we heard it but by the time we got home, I wanted to rip my face off.

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When You Go Out Of Your Way To Make A Nice Meal For Your Family And They Kind Of End Up Being A**holes About It.

1350591749695_7822193*I’m still sick and I have to say, I am the biggest pussy ever when it comes to having a cold. It definitely makes you see just how good you have it when you’re healthy.

Last week, when I was in my “pre-sick” stage, I wanted to make a nice dinner for my husband and the little hummingbird. It’s also the day that I made the incredibly orgasmic mini salted caramel apple pies.

Even though we’re a family of 3, it’s such a pain in the ass to get everyone on the same page when it comes to agreeing on what to make for a meal. Okay, actually I need to take that back. My husband will eat anything. Even some of the most horrible, OMG, what the fuck went wrong meals I’ve made over the years.

It’s my 5 year-old daughter who is picky, picky, picky.

Here’s where I have to say I for the most part ate pretty much everything my mom made. She was a single mom for many years and we had several meals of those cheap pot pies. She did the best that she could to feed us so I absolutely appreciate her efforts.

Come to think of it, I was probably more of a whiny little kid when it came to the food we had but I did my best to eat what she was able to afford.

Anyway, as a parent, there is probably at least one time, if not more, where you make a nice dinner for your family and go out of your way to cover all of the different tastes for them. It’s a pain in the ass but damn it, you want everyone to sit down, have a nice dinner, and not bitch and complain.

This particular night did not go as planned. Of course it didn’t. Fuckity fuck!

It may not seem like a fabulous dinner but I made buffalo macaroni and cheese. The perfect comfort food. So delicious and kid friendly. I even made a special casserole dish of it for the hummingbird.

I was running an hour behind though and everyone was bitchy by the time I was able to serve it up.

I was also bitchy and a total asshole to my husband because while preparing this meal, I realized that while I went to the store earlier, I forgot to get half and half. Fuck!

Then I flipped the hell out and sent my poor husband to the quick mart down the road. He was trying to be helpful and offer alternatives but I was all like NO! I FUCKING NEED THIS FUCKING HALF AND HALF, FUCKING FUCK!

Not one of my proudest moments… obviously.

I finally get this dinner in order and on the table. But did my family appreciate it? Hell no!

My hubby chowed down without breathing because he was so damn hungry and my daughter whined and said she didn’t like it. She wanted me to make Kraft mac n’ cheese instead.

And I had to get up multiple times for my daughter. “Can you please get me a napkin, mom? I wanted juice instead. I dropped my fork, can you get another one? My food is cold now, can you microwave it? Now my food is too hot and I can’t eat it. I don’t like this. Can I have something else?”

OMG! Really, people? REALLY?!

So, I sat there and cried. I totally lost it and cried while thinking fuck this shit.

I sat on the couch and cursed my family under my breath while my husband and daughter happily played together after dinner.

But then, I kinda sorta pulled it together and we had those delicious apple pies for dessert.

And all was finally good again.

Because mmmm, pie!

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Edible Coconut Body Frosting

coconut-body-frosting2 (1)Since my last pregnancy, my libido went way down. Add to that having our 5 year-old doing everything she can to sleep in our bedroom and my sex drive said see ya!

But lately, my sex drive has taken off and I was in a search to find something edible to use. I was surprised to find that while it seems like every place I looked had vibrators disguised with names like “personal touch”, there weren’t any edible lubricants to be found.

Sure, I can go to a sex shop or online but it baffled me that a place like a drugstore had a vibrator called “explore” for 50 dollars but nothing at all for some edible fun.

That’s when I thought I’d just make some myself. I use coconut oil in some skin care products I make and decided to give that a whirl. I made a quick trip to the grocery store in hopes that I would find some chocolate extract but they seemed to have every flavor except that.

As people lingered in the baking aisle, I stood there debating what flavor I wanted to lick off my husband. Raspberry? Orange? Vanilla? Hmmm, choices, choices. I decided on coconut extract.

After I made it, let’s just say the results are pretty satisfying. Each batch will probably keep for about 3 months but check it every now and then to make sure it’s not funky. Please don’t use this with condoms as I’m sure that wouldn’t be good for the latex and little hummingbirds may result.

What You’ll Need:

1/2 cup coconut oil

1 teaspoon extract of your choice

clean container with lid

Directions:

Put coconut oil and extract into a small bowl or mixer. Whip on medium until fluffy. This makes half a cup. Store in container with lid and make sure it’s handy when the mood hits.

Enjoy!

*If you may be having a dry spell in the sex department, as couples do, you could use this as a skin moisturizer. If you’re in need of a quick snack or the health benefits of coconut oil, voila!… lick it off your skin. Yes, expect very strange looks from people, then offer a lick. Total icebreaker.

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Anonymous Parent: Wanting To Break Free

I started a blog a while back called Anonymous Parent but decided to incorporate it into this blog. It is absolutely confidential. Completely anonymous. If you would like to share your story, please go here, Anonymous Parent.

This story comes from “Sylvia”. Let’s give her the support she needs.

~~~~~~~~~~

I think about divorcing my husband every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. We have two amazing kiddos and they are the only thing holding me to him at this point.

My parents have been married for over 30 years and I don’t want to let them down.

But the real reason I won’t divorce him is because I’m terrified he’ll kill me if I try to leave.

He’s never hit me or been physically abusive, but he’s talked about killing other people and made references to getting rid of me if I take his kids away.

He seems to love me, but spends most of his time being extremely angry. I walk in the door from work and almost every day I am met with a tirade of angry words and yelling. It’s getting so exhausting.

I don’t know what to do with him or myself, and I just want to protect my kids from him. I am so tired. Sooo tired.

I work full time and go to school at night, once a week, and he acts like that time is my “rest time” from the kids.

If I try to take a day away to just be by myself and think, he freaks out and tells me I’m selfish.

He has no coping mechanisms other than drinking and yelling. I just want to take my kids and RUN AWAY! But I won’t.

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Hey Siri, Play Guns N’ Roses, November Rain. Siri: Forecast For Tomorrow, 63 Degrees And Mild.

autocorrect1

Technology is supposed to make things easier but obviously, there are times when you wish you kept a sledgehammer handy.

My husband finally got a smartphone. Since he’s in the military, at his last job, he had to have a phone without a camera for security reasons. He would give me shit for the obsession I have with my iPhone but now he’s currently having quite the love affair with Siri. And it’s driving me crazy.

Mostly because Siri acts like a drunk crackhead.

Sure, it’s pretty entertaining but Siri, get your shit together! The husband asks Siri things over and over and over again and in that time, he could have easily Googled the same thing hundreds of times.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: Forecast for tomorrow is mild at 63.

Husband: Hey Siri, play November Rain.

Siri: I found rain on Wikipedia. Let me get that for you now.

Husband: Hey Siri, look up cats farting.

Hummingbird: *giggles*

Siri: Hi Husband, what can I help you with?

~~~~~

I don’t usually deal with Siri on my phone but my husband convinced me to give it a shot. To save my sanity, I’ll pass on Siri for now.

Me: Hey Siri, email husband.

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, email Husband.

Siri: Which song would you like?

Me: Hey Siri, email HUSBAND!

Siri: Facetime with Carrie beginning now.

Me: Hey Siri, you dumbfuck… EMAIL HUSBAND!

Siri: Playing video, Californication.

Me: SIRI! CALL HUSBAND!

Siri: Would you like home, cell, or other?

Me: Cell.

Siri: Facetime with Eric beginning now.

Stab! Stab! Stab!

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