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The Trash Can Dance Off

oscarthegrouch1When my husband and I first got married, it was a really tough adjustment living with someone else. But we were in (mostly) newlywed bliss. Despite the several polite, newlywed fights, followed by the make up sex, rinse and repeat, we could do no wrong in each other’s eyes. Even when we wanted to kill each other at times.

About a year after we married and he graduated college, he joined the Navy, went to OCS, and came back home 3 months later. We soon hauled ass to Georgia where he went to school for 7 months. During this time, the newlywed bubble seemed to be popping and that’s when I noticed that my “perfect, could never do anything to annoy me husband” started to do those little annoying things.

When it came to taking out the trash, we were both stubborn as hell and still are. Hence, the trash can dance off.

You may know it. The trash can starts filling up and you stick your foot in it to smash it down and there you are with one foot in the trash can, one foot on the floor, and you may even add a little wiggle while weighing your foot (while wearing shoes) on the trash, stuffing it down as far as you can.

Because you don’t want to be the one to take it out. I leave feeling satisfied that I won’t have to deal with it, only to find out the next morning that he seems to have done the same thing. That’s when we know, without ever speaking about it, that the trash can dance IS ON! This game has been played between us for many, many years.

I’ll spend the day stuffing the trash down, certain that when my husband gets home, he will see it bursting at the seams and will take it out. My husband will come home and be certain that I’ll see that the trash can is bursting at the seams and he’ll think I’ll end up taking it out.

I’ll see the trash can right before bed with the lid poking up as if to say “Please, please one of you stop this silly shit and take me out! I’m going to explode!” I think to myself “There’s no way my husband will be able to put anything else in it the next morning.” And I will be certain that a fresh, new trash bag will be in it by the next day.

Nope.

That butthead is trying to out trash can dance me!! I’ll stuff it down even more with my foot but the lid isn’t having it and still pokes up. Fine, then I just won’t throw anything away today.

But even adding one tissue or paper towel to the trash makes the trash can wave the white flag and surrender. Damn it! Okay, okay, I’ll take it out this time.

But the next time my husband and I have a trash can dance off, I will win.

Oh yes, I will win!

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Close to home: The Navy Yard Shooting

I’ve never had anything like this hit so close to home before and I’m in such disbelief. My head was swirling around with the faces of the people my husband and I know who work at the Navy Yard. My husband’s former coworkers and our friends.

Not knowing if they’re safe or if we will later find out that they were a victim of such an unbelievable tradegy.

I think about one visit where we took our young daughter there. My husband introduced me to two older women who worked there and who absolutely adored our daughter. They had so many kind words for us, sharing in our excitement of being new parents. Telling me how much they love working with my husband.

This was like a family to us for 3 years. Sharing joys and some hard times. Sharing our lives; weddings, honeymoon photos, the births of our children, photos of our kids, broken relationships, promotions.

One woman in particular was the first person I thought of upon hearing the news of the shooting. “Olivia” was there from the start of my husband working at the Navy Yard. She worked across from my husband and was great support when we were new to Washington D.C.

I will never forget the congratulations we received from her and other coworkers/friends when our beautiful daughter was born. The “It’s A Girl” card many signed. Comforting emails of those from the workplace when our daughter was in the NICU, while my husband and I were going through such a difficult time.

The kindness from those, some I didn’t even know, made things a little easier on us, knowing we weren’t alone during a rough part of our lives.

The one woman, Olivia, is pregnant and due to be a new mom soon. She hasn’t left my thoughts, not knowing if she was safe. I can’t even imagine the horror that she and others experienced on Monday.

After waiting what seemed like forever, when in reality it was just a day, we found that she is safe and okay. As okay as someone can be in this kind of situation. Sadly, we found out we did know one of the victims in Monday’s shooting.

I know our hearts are heavy and full of pain from those we lost in such an unimaginable way. My thoughts go out to everyone who has been affected by such a senseless act.

*Breathe Me

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When moving, hide the sex toys before the movers find them. You may be thinking, “well duh”, but one time, I forgot.

vibrator1Because we’re moving from Northern California to Maine in just a matter of weeks, I’ve been going down memory lane when it comes to moving mishaps.

Since my husband joined the Navy after college in 1996, we’ve had many moves. The first few years, we would move our own things but then my husband mentioned the military will pay to have movers pack us up and deal with the moving truck.

When he told me this, I asked if they would have paid for our previous moves too. He said yes and then I karate chopped his balls… in my mind.

Then hell yes, let’s have the Navy deal with this moving shit for us, I replied, still karate kicking him in the balls… in my mind.

We’ve had plenty of mishaps with our moves, of course, but there have been some pretty embarrassing moments involving the movers. One time, we had a sandwich bag full of catnip on our coffee table. The catnip didn’t come in a resealable bag so I threw it in a ziplock sandwich bag.

Well, one of the moving guys was packing our stuff up in the living room and found the bag of catnip. Thinking it was a bag of marijuana, he told the other packer guys.

Then they came to us and the conversation went something like this.

Them: Ummm, Miss? We found this and thought you’d like to put it in a safer place.

Me: *thinks for a few seconds* Oh, no. It’s not what you think it is. It’s catnip.

Them, *laughs* Okay. sure. *laughs more*

Me: No, really, it’s catnip. We have a cat, I swear. She’s just hiding because she’s scared.

Them: Uh huh. *laughs*

Me: Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

They believed us, thought it was hilarious that I was so mortified, and for the rest of the two-day pack up, they gave us shit, in a very funny way, about our big bag of catnip/marijuana.

It really was catnip… I swear!

The most embarrassing moment in our moving history was when we were moving from Seattle, down to San Diego.

While living in Seattle, my husband was deployed on a ship for a huge chunk of the time we.. rather I… lived there. Now, a girl has needs and sometimes has to take matters into her own hands.

At the time, Sex And The City was in its first run and I had been a big fan of it from the start. I had remembered an episode where there was a rabbit vibrator.

Curious, I wondered if it really existed and looked it up on the internet.

Yep, it was a real thing. I took a few minutes to think about maybe giving a vibrator a try for the first time and thought about getting it. By then, my husband was gone for 4 months… into a 9 month deployment.

A WOMAN HAS NEEDS!!!

Ahem.

I almost bought the vibrator that night but thought nah, I’ll be fine.

5-7 days later, it arrived in the mail. Woo hoo! The website I purchased it said that it came with a free gift. I had no fucking clue what kind of free gift would arrive with a vibrator. Lube, maybe?

I opened the box to find my beautiful, shiny, new rabbit vibrator. The clouds parted and angels sang.

Then I opened up the free gift. What. The Fuck is this? It was a pocket pussy.

Ewww. What was I gonna do with this? I threw it onto the bed and since it had a subtle, sticky surface and we had a tuxedo cat, Zira, at the time, the thing looked like it was growing a full bush in no time.

Anyway, I had a good laugh at this thing and threw it into the drawer of my husband’s bedside table. I forgot about it in no time, especially since my vibrator and I were bonding.

When my husband finally came home from deployment, we joked about my free gift and it was thrown back into his drawer. Actually, he wanted to throw it away but I thought it was way too funny and wanted to keep it around. Then put it in your drawer, he said

Hell, no. What if something happens to me and when my mom comes to help pack up my stuff, she finds a pocket pussy in my bedside drawer? Actually she wouldn’t care and would think it was funny but I had to come up with some excuse to get it back in his drawer.

Flash forward several months later and it was time for us to once again move.

I was in my bedroom, along with a guy packing up our stuff, while I was trying to get our terrified cat out of the room. Before I walked out, I heard the guy slide open my husband’s beside drawer. It has this squeak when it opens so I knew what the moving guy would find.

I was begging the floor to open up and make me disappear but the damn thing didn’t make my wish come true.

Uhhh… ma’am, we can’t pack these kind of things up ourselves. I’ll give you a minute to do that.

Oh My God.

I was stumbling over my words when trying to reply to let him know it wasn’t something we used but we just kept it around as a joke. Yeah, like he’d believe that.

So, I just said okay, and felt my face catch on fire from blushing so much.

Since then, my husband and I make sure to pack up our bedside drawers before the moving packers arrive. As for the pocket pussy, we finally got rid of it. May it rest in peace.

Have you ever had any funny moving mishaps?

*Damien Rice ~ Cheers Darlin’

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A middle finger salute.

Our room in Venice Beach had a fantastic view.

Our room in Venice Beach had a fantastic view.

I’ve had some kind of plague since last week so I’ve pretty much abandoned my blog so I don’t cough on all of you and get you sick too. Here’s what’s been happening since last week.

~~~~~

We went to Venice Beach and stayed in a hotel right on the boardwalk which was really nice. I couldn’t get a hold of my sperm donor and was starting to relax while we were there. Then on Saturday night he called and we set up lunch for the next day.

I was a fucking wreck. On Sunday morning while the hummingbird and the hubby went to a playground while I got ready, I walked around our hotel room like I just had a lobotomy. I even started cleaning our room. People, I don’t even clean my own fucking house so you know I was stressing.

It went okay. It was awkward and strange and I discovered there’s still a lot that I haven’t been able to forgive him for. But the hummingbird started to warm up to him and his girlfriend so that was nice to see.

~~~~~

On Wednesday, we FINALLY got our official orders from the Navy for our move to the Bath/Brunswick, Maine area. About fucking time, military asshats! While most people got their orders 3-4 months ago, we get ours 2-3 weeks before we move so I would like to give a middle finger salute to the idiots who took their sweet ass time.

Moving is stressful enough but the miltary has been going back and forth for months about this upcoming move which has left me stabby.

Waiting for the official orders put us at a stand still and now with such little notice, this expensive move will be even more expensive because of it…. plane tickets, renting our house, movers, etc. June is such a busy month for the military around here so we’re hoping we can extend staying here for a bit longer than we thought, even if it’s just a week, to help prevent too much chaos.

So, New England, I can’t wait to see you and I’m so ready to be there. Also, everyone in the area has an open invitation to help us find a house and help us unpack. No? Don’t blame you. Heh!

Updated to add: We just got our move date to Maine. It’s on the 27th. Oy vey!

~~~~~

Back to Venice Beach. We had such a great time even though the drive made us all a little crazy. The hummingbird made it extra fun. I would always tell her to use the bathroom before we left a rest stop or a restaurant. Then, like 2 minutes later, after we would just be getting back on the freeway, she would say she has to go potty.

So, the hubby and I would have to hear… “I have to go potty. I have to go potty. I have to poop. I have to go potty. I have to POOP! I NEED TO POTTY. I have to pee. I have to pee. I have to go potty.”…. until we stopped again. Good times! And to think my husband wanted us to drive from Northern California to Maine. OH, HELL NO!

*Oh yeah, I’ll be starting a book giveaway on Monday so make sure to check it out. It’s such a great book that will have you laughing your ass off. Here’s the book I’ll be giving away… I Just Want To Pee Alone.

*Des’ree ~ You Gotta Be

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Drunk Posting: What I Really Think Of Sarah Palin…. Over Four Years Later.

September 2007

September 2007

I don’t normally talk much about my beliefs in religion or politics but I’ve had 2 beers and a shot of vodka so I had the not so genius idea of DRUNK POSTING! I might fuck up facts because I’m drunk, people! Don’t take this too seriously, alright? Alright! I’m sure to be a blathering idiot and I’m fine with that. No amount of harsh comments can be as bad as this shit. If I can handle people saying I’m a shitty parent and calling my daughter “a fucking brat” and hating on me only because I have a child, I can deal with anything.

~~~~~~~~~~

Hey Sarah Palin,

What. The. Fuck. Lady? For a quick second, I was excited that a woman was running for vice-president. Out of all honesty, I was actually shocked that Barack Obama beat out Hillary Clinton, who I was really rooting for. I do love Obama though and damn, Michelle is rockin’ her bad self.

Then there was that really fucking stupid bullshit about what Mrs. Clinton was wearing and people actually discussed “her cankles”.

Ummm, OMFG, seriously people?!

I didn’t know much about Obama and it never occurred to me to read up on him because I was preggers and my brain cells were MIA.

I would say I’m definitely liberal but I’ve been going more towards the Green Party.

My husband and I were living in Washington, D.C. at the time and had been in a war protest that started at the White House and ended at Capitol Hill.

He’s in the Navy by the way, and I was very proud at the risk he took when it came to being involved in something that was important to me.

Anyway, before we marched, I heard Ralph Nader give a speech and the man kicked ass. I fell in love with the guy!

Fyi, I was torn between Obama and Nader but while standing in line for two hours, while 4 months pregnant, and needing to pee like crazy, once I got to the voting station, I went for Ralph Nader.

Back to Palin.

You make my brain hurt.

I saw the movie, Game Change, recently and wow, Julianne Moore did a better job than the real you.

I am so fucking thankful that McCain didn’t win because the thought of you being vice-president makes me think that the women of the United States would be back on the prairie, churning butter, and having very few rights.

Sarah Palin, you make me embarrassed to be a woman. So take your ‘you betcha” and stick it up your ass.

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I Left My Heart In Seattle

seattle1

*I almost pulled this post down because I didn’t like the way it worked out but it stays. I’ll go and drink a bottle of shut the fuck up now and let you read it.  :^)

A while back, I asked you to give me some writing prompt suggestions and one of them was what has been my favorite and worst place to live. That’s a very easy one.

I feel weird telling you about my least favorite, especially if you live there but that would be Ft. Worth, TX. My in-laws live in the Dallas area so you can only imagine how awful that was with them being so close.

My favorite place, hands down, is SEATTLE!!!!! I LOVE the Pacific Northwest and have been homesick for it for years now. We lived there for about a year and a half, years ago but I miss it every day.

I’ve had some ask me what is it about Seattle that I like so much and I usually say it was everything. It just had the perfect combination of quirky, beauty, nature, entertainment, food, and everything else I ever wanted when it comes to where I want to live.

seattle3With my husband being in the military, we’ve lived many places and I will always be a California girl but when we moved to Seattle, it was the first time I really felt like I was home. May sound cheesy but it felt like the energy there along with mine really complimented each other.

Living there brought out the best of me. The me I know was hiding inside for years. I’m so horribly shy in real life but I even got the balls to study theater while living there. That and writing have always been my true loves.

My husband was gone for a HUGE part of the time that we lived there but I really flourished while living in Seattle, being mostly on my own. Just a few weeks after moving there, my hubby went on deployment and it was really hard to be in an unknown place by myself so soon but then I discovered one of the most awesome things a few days later.

BUMBERSHOOT!

I had such a love affair with Seattle the whole time I was there. I plan on moving there and making it our permanent home once the hubby gets out of the Navy in 3 or so years and I’m so excited.

I could still see possibly staying in Northern California but moving back to Seattle has been in my mind from the day we had to move from there.

In case you’re curious, I really don’t think it rains as much there as people think. I actually found it comforting and thought Seattle was one of the most active cities that I’ve ever lived in.

seattle2My MIL knows how much I love it there so seeing how tactful she is…*snort*… she can always find something wrong with our plans to move back there for good. And of course it’s my fault that my husband also loves it there as much as I do. She thinks it’s all my fault that he doesn’t want to move back near them in Texas and has told me in so many words.

So, in case I didn’t already make it clear HA, I had such a love affair with Seattle and it’s the only place in the whole world that I want to live. Well there and Ireland, but Ireland is a whole other story.

What’s your dream place to live?

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No Radioactive Bunnies Were Harmed In The Making Of This Post. It’s Also A Ranty Post About Military Medical Healthcare.

military healthcareSo, I’ve been doing the radiation therapy and oy vey, I’ve been so wiped out. The long commute doesn’t make it any better. In really disappointing news, I haven’t come across any radioactive bunnies during my treatment. Such a bummer.

One really glaring realization is that the hospital I’m going to is exceptional. If you don’t know already, I’m a Navy wife with the crappiest insurance.

Yes, the insurance is for the most part free but you get what you pay for. I’ll tell you right now, it’s a sad state affairs when the men and women serving this country and risking their lives get screwed over when it comes to health care.

I had my daughter at a military hospital which was one of the worst experiences of my life. Sure, I might sound like a drama queen but these are the facts.

I’ve heard people say they just assume the military gets excellent health care. Wrong! Now, I’m sure millions out there will disagree with me but military healthcare blows. No, we don’t pay much but there have been several military medical fuck ups not only that I’ve been through, but also my daughter, and my husband.

Tricare, get your shit together. That goes for Walter Reed and the Bethesda Naval Medical Center aka, “the president’s hospital”.  Sure, our government gets top notch care when going there but the people doing the real work and putting their lives on the line have to deal with bad attitudes and incompetent doctors.

Wow, I wasn’t expecting to go in this direction with this post. What I really wanted to say was that it’s so amazing to finally go to a hospital outside of the military and be treated with compassion.

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