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Sexy Real Estate


My husband is leaving the military next summer so we have a lot to figure out. What the hell is he going to do when he grows up… where are we going to make our permanent home, etc. A few weeks ago we decided to go to an open house to get an idea of what houses are available here.

What we weren’t expecting is that there’s a whole world of real estate that’s sexy. Very sexy. Rawr!

I’ve never been a fan of things like open houses since they seem so unnatural. Just like going to buy a new household appliance. Some places actually leave you alone but other places are ready to pounce on you in seconds. When we walked into the open house, we were greeted by a nice woman who laid it on thick from the get go.

She saw the hummingbird and told us we could give her whatever she wants from the assortment of goodies the agent brought. The bird decided on a bag of peanut m n m’s which once she opened, flew all over the nice brand spankin’ new kitchen floor with several loud ping, ping, pings.

I apologized and stuffed the ones from the floor into my purse, which I’m still finding, while the hummingbird munched on the few that didn’t fall on the floor. The real estate agent, still laying it on thick, kept telling my husband we’re more than welcome to have any refreshments that we want. The hubby and I later joked about what her reaction would have been if I just took my purse over to the counter, dumped the contents on the counter into my purse, and said “Okay, thanks! See ya!”

While our 6 year-old was seeing how many closets she could walk inside, the agent was talking more details about the house and the new neighborhood it was in. She told us this is the new Maine sexy real estate. The old sexy real estate just isn’t as sexy.

My husband and I turned to each other and shared a ‘what the fuck?’ look while suppressing giggles. After more sexy talk, she asked us what we think. I was trying not to pee my pants while wondering if I was being Punk’d. We told her it was a very nice house and she said “It’s so sexy though, isn’t it?” Umm, um, yeah.

Instead of running to the front door of this very sexy house, we decided to finish looking. Well, that and the hummingbird was still going throughout the house and stepping into the closets. I’m sorry. My bad. I mean the sexy closets of the new sexy house.

A few more people were coming in at that point so we made our escape. And that’s when my husband and I spent the drive home laughing our asses off about the sexy real estate agent.

My husband’s favorite part was that the older woman gave him a handful of cards. He can call her any time he wants to see something sexy.

Unfortunately, that house just wasn’t the new sexy we were looking for but there’s still time to find that oh so very sexy house.


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Back To School


Well, hello there! I’ve been so busy with school and time with the hummingbird but I’ve really, really missed blogging. For awhile now, I’ve been looking into different education programs that would give me a chance to work outside the home since the hummingbird is finally in Kindergarten.

As much as I write here, other sites, books I’m working on, and my very first screenplay (yay, I’m so excited), I need something that will help supplement my income AND get me out of the house, even if it’s part-time. I really want to go back into the work force and make my own money.

That way, I can tell my husband, especially since it will be coming from my pay that “Yes, we do need that 6 piece martini glass set!” even though he never uses them. Or “I know I already have 7 pairs of boots but I HAD to get another pair in dark brown!” See, I won’t feel as guilty and it’s better than always using my standby excuse… “What, this jacket? Of course it’s not new. It’s been in the back of my closet for years. Well, okay since a few hours before you came home from work.


I really wanted to go back to college and thought I would just start with a class or two at a local community college in the area but the closest one is 45 minutes away from us. Nope, not gonna do that. Mostly because it will be snowing here like crazy soon and I really don’t want to make such a long commute several times a week.

Another thing I thought of was how much I miss working in skin care, make up artistry, and being an Esthetician. I haven’t worked as one in years but have kept my license up to date. But I felt I really needed some updated training. Only, the closest school for that is about an hour away. Yikes.

Recently though, a friend mentioned how a good number of spas in this area like to do their own training so I’m going through the *frustating pulling my hair out process* of getting my school records together, as well as state board records, grades, testing, things signed in blood, etc. so I can apply for a state license here.

I know, this is boring shit. Sorry.

So, in the mean time I decided that since I’m so impatient and I’m really hoping to get out and work after the beginning of the new year (but it will probably be a little later), I decided on a fast track program. I rather not say exactly what it is but it’s in the medical field. When I was first looking into it, I was told to expect at least 20+ hours of homework a week throughout the program and I thought okay, sure.

Holy shit! Much easier said than done. I missed several classes in the beginning because the hummingbird got sick, then I got sick and had that sinus infection that’s still lingering so I still have several more classes and homework to catch up on. But it’s becoming a little less overwhelming than it was.

The nice thing about this program is if you do happen to miss a class, you can watch the recorded online lectures later.

I admit that what I’ll be doing isn’t something I actually plan on doing forever. And I am kind of bummed I couldn’t make going to college or esthetics work right now. But it will still be nice to have something that I can do no matter where we move to and not have to worry as much with state boards and such.

It would be nice though if I can get my state esthetician license here sooner rather than later. Who knows? If I do, I can mix my medical experience and skin care for my patients. While they’re waiting for the doctor, I could give them a relaxing facial massage. Hehe!

So, that’s why my blog has been abandoned for a bit and it sucks.

The bad news is the group blog I was hoping would work will have to wait since I’m already stretching myself too thin as it is.

I feel if I don’t get back to writing soon, my head will fucking explode. And that’s another thing. I know I will always be writing for years and years to come. That’s a given to me. With these different writing projects I’m working on, my fingers are crossed that something will hopefully come out of it.

I’ve also been thinking for a while about whether or not to put together a blog based book filled with essays I’ve written over the past 4 years, along with some new ones.

It’s been a crazy, hectic last few months since going back to school but I’m so glad things finally seem to be settling down a bit and balancing out.

Whether you work from home or outside the home, how do you manage and balance work and kids? Same if you’re currently back in school?

I’ve found with being a military wife, I’ve had an even tougher time finding work since we move every few years, people you meet in the Navy come and go so references can be a pain to have, and while the interviewer will usually let me know “I thank your husband for his service to our country.”, these people pretty much in the same breath say something a long the lines of “But, you have several moves and job inconsistencies on your resume.”

No fucking way? Really? Hmmm, let’s see. A military wife that has to move every few years, uproot the family, and start all over again in a completely new place? Well, duh! Okay, being told that so many times over the years has really gotten to me.

If you’re a military wife, how have you managed having a career while moving place to place? Has it been easy for you or harder?

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The Trash Can Dance Off

oscarthegrouch1When my husband and I first got married, it was a really tough adjustment living with someone else. But we were in (mostly) newlywed bliss. Despite the several polite, newlywed fights, followed by the make up sex, rinse and repeat, we could do no wrong in each other’s eyes. Even when we wanted to kill each other at times.

About a year after we married and he graduated college, he joined the Navy, went to OCS, and came back home 3 months later. We soon hauled ass to Georgia where he went to school for 7 months. During this time, the newlywed bubble seemed to be popping and that’s when I noticed that my “perfect, could never do anything to annoy me husband” started to do those little annoying things.

When it came to taking out the trash, we were both stubborn as hell and still are. Hence, the trash can dance off.

You may know it. The trash can starts filling up and you stick your foot in it to smash it down and there you are with one foot in the trash can, one foot on the floor, and you may even add a little wiggle while weighing your foot (while wearing shoes) on the trash, stuffing it down as far as you can.

Because you don’t want to be the one to take it out. I leave feeling satisfied that I won’t have to deal with it, only to find out the next morning that he seems to have done the same thing. That’s when we know, without ever speaking about it, that the trash can dance IS ON! This game has been played between us for many, many years.

I’ll spend the day stuffing the trash down, certain that when my husband gets home, he will see it bursting at the seams and will take it out. My husband will come home and be certain that I’ll see that the trash can is bursting at the seams and he’ll think I’ll end up taking it out.

I’ll see the trash can right before bed with the lid poking up as if to say “Please, please one of you stop this silly shit and take me out! I’m going to explode!” I think to myself “There’s no way my husband will be able to put anything else in it the next morning.” And I will be certain that a fresh, new trash bag will be in it by the next day.


That butthead is trying to out trash can dance me!! I’ll stuff it down even more with my foot but the lid isn’t having it and still pokes up. Fine, then I just won’t throw anything away today.

But even adding one tissue or paper towel to the trash makes the trash can wave the white flag and surrender. Damn it! Okay, okay, I’ll take it out this time.

But the next time my husband and I have a trash can dance off, I will win.

Oh yes, I will win!

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Close to home: The Navy Yard Shooting

I’ve never had anything like this hit so close to home before and I’m in such disbelief. My head was swirling around with the faces of the people my husband and I know who work at the Navy Yard. My husband’s former coworkers and our friends.

Not knowing if they’re safe or if we will later find out that they were a victim of such an unbelievable tradegy.

I think about one visit where we took our young daughter there. My husband introduced me to two older women who worked there and who absolutely adored our daughter. They had so many kind words for us, sharing in our excitement of being new parents. Telling me how much they love working with my husband.

This was like a family to us for 3 years. Sharing joys and some hard times. Sharing our lives; weddings, honeymoon photos, the births of our children, photos of our kids, broken relationships, promotions.

One woman in particular was the first person I thought of upon hearing the news of the shooting. “Olivia” was there from the start of my husband working at the Navy Yard. She worked across from my husband and was great support when we were new to Washington D.C.

I will never forget the congratulations we received from her and other coworkers/friends when our beautiful daughter was born. The “It’s A Girl” card many signed. Comforting emails of those from the workplace when our daughter was in the NICU, while my husband and I were going through such a difficult time.

The kindness from those, some I didn’t even know, made things a little easier on us, knowing we weren’t alone during a rough part of our lives.

The one woman, Olivia, is pregnant and due to be a new mom soon. She hasn’t left my thoughts, not knowing if she was safe. I can’t even imagine the horror that she and others experienced on Monday.

After waiting what seemed like forever, when in reality it was just a day, we found that she is safe and okay. As okay as someone can be in this kind of situation. Sadly, we found out we did know one of the victims in Monday’s shooting.

I know our hearts are heavy and full of pain from those we lost in such an unimaginable way. My thoughts go out to everyone who has been affected by such a senseless act.

*Breathe Me

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When moving, hide the sex toys before the movers find them. You may be thinking, “well duh”, but one time, I forgot.

vibrator1Because we’re moving from Northern California to Maine in just a matter of weeks, I’ve been going down memory lane when it comes to moving mishaps.

Since my husband joined the Navy after college in 1996, we’ve had many moves. The first few years, we would move our own things but then my husband mentioned the military will pay to have movers pack us up and deal with the moving truck.

When he told me this, I asked if they would have paid for our previous moves too. He said yes and then I karate chopped his balls… in my mind.

Then hell yes, let’s have the Navy deal with this moving shit for us, I replied, still karate kicking him in the balls… in my mind.

We’ve had plenty of mishaps with our moves, of course, but there have been some pretty embarrassing moments involving the movers. One time, we had a sandwich bag full of catnip on our coffee table. The catnip didn’t come in a resealable bag so I threw it in a ziplock sandwich bag.

Well, one of the moving guys was packing our stuff up in the living room and found the bag of catnip. Thinking it was a bag of marijuana, he told the other packer guys.

Then they came to us and the conversation went something like this.

Them: Ummm, Miss? We found this and thought you’d like to put it in a safer place.

Me: *thinks for a few seconds* Oh, no. It’s not what you think it is. It’s catnip.

Them, *laughs* Okay. sure. *laughs more*

Me: No, really, it’s catnip. We have a cat, I swear. She’s just hiding because she’s scared.

Them: Uh huh. *laughs*

Me: Here kitty, kitty, kitty!

They believed us, thought it was hilarious that I was so mortified, and for the rest of the two-day pack up, they gave us shit, in a very funny way, about our big bag of catnip/marijuana.

It really was catnip… I swear!

The most embarrassing moment in our moving history was when we were moving from Seattle, down to San Diego.

While living in Seattle, my husband was deployed on a ship for a huge chunk of the time we.. rather I… lived there. Now, a girl has needs and sometimes has to take matters into her own hands.

At the time, Sex And The City was in its first run and I had been a big fan of it from the start. I had remembered an episode where there was a rabbit vibrator.

Curious, I wondered if it really existed and looked it up on the internet.

Yep, it was a real thing. I took a few minutes to think about maybe giving a vibrator a try for the first time and thought about getting it. By then, my husband was gone for 4 months… into a 9 month deployment.



I almost bought the vibrator that night but thought nah, I’ll be fine.

5-7 days later, it arrived in the mail. Woo hoo! The website I purchased it said that it came with a free gift. I had no fucking clue what kind of free gift would arrive with a vibrator. Lube, maybe?

I opened the box to find my beautiful, shiny, new rabbit vibrator. The clouds parted and angels sang.

Then I opened up the free gift. What. The Fuck is this? It was a pocket pussy.

Ewww. What was I gonna do with this? I threw it onto the bed and since it had a subtle, sticky surface and we had a tuxedo cat, Zira, at the time, the thing looked like it was growing a full bush in no time.

Anyway, I had a good laugh at this thing and threw it into the drawer of my husband’s bedside table. I forgot about it in no time, especially since my vibrator and I were bonding.

When my husband finally came home from deployment, we joked about my free gift and it was thrown back into his drawer. Actually, he wanted to throw it away but I thought it was way too funny and wanted to keep it around. Then put it in your drawer, he said

Hell, no. What if something happens to me and when my mom comes to help pack up my stuff, she finds a pocket pussy in my bedside drawer? Actually she wouldn’t care and would think it was funny but I had to come up with some excuse to get it back in his drawer.

Flash forward several months later and it was time for us to once again move.

I was in my bedroom, along with a guy packing up our stuff, while I was trying to get our terrified cat out of the room. Before I walked out, I heard the guy slide open my husband’s beside drawer. It has this squeak when it opens so I knew what the moving guy would find.

I was begging the floor to open up and make me disappear but the damn thing didn’t make my wish come true.

Uhhh… ma’am, we can’t pack these kind of things up ourselves. I’ll give you a minute to do that.

Oh My God.

I was stumbling over my words when trying to reply to let him know it wasn’t something we used but we just kept it around as a joke. Yeah, like he’d believe that.

So, I just said okay, and felt my face catch on fire from blushing so much.

Since then, my husband and I make sure to pack up our bedside drawers before the moving packers arrive. As for the pocket pussy, we finally got rid of it. May it rest in peace.

Have you ever had any funny moving mishaps?

*Damien Rice ~ Cheers Darlin’

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A middle finger salute.

Our room in Venice Beach had a fantastic view.

Our room in Venice Beach had a fantastic view.

I’ve had some kind of plague since last week so I’ve pretty much abandoned my blog so I don’t cough on all of you and get you sick too. Here’s what’s been happening since last week.


We went to Venice Beach and stayed in a hotel right on the boardwalk which was really nice. I couldn’t get a hold of my sperm donor and was starting to relax while we were there. Then on Saturday night he called and we set up lunch for the next day.

I was a fucking wreck. On Sunday morning while the hummingbird and the hubby went to a playground while I got ready, I walked around our hotel room like I just had a lobotomy. I even started cleaning our room. People, I don’t even clean my own fucking house so you know I was stressing.

It went okay. It was awkward and strange and I discovered there’s still a lot that I haven’t been able to forgive him for. But the hummingbird started to warm up to him and his girlfriend so that was nice to see.


On Wednesday, we FINALLY got our official orders from the Navy for our move to the Bath/Brunswick, Maine area. About fucking time, military asshats! While most people got their orders 3-4 months ago, we get ours 2-3 weeks before we move so I would like to give a middle finger salute to the idiots who took their sweet ass time.

Moving is stressful enough but the miltary has been going back and forth for months about this upcoming move which has left me stabby.

Waiting for the official orders put us at a stand still and now with such little notice, this expensive move will be even more expensive because of it…. plane tickets, renting our house, movers, etc. June is such a busy month for the military around here so we’re hoping we can extend staying here for a bit longer than we thought, even if it’s just a week, to help prevent too much chaos.

So, New England, I can’t wait to see you and I’m so ready to be there. Also, everyone in the area has an open invitation to help us find a house and help us unpack. No? Don’t blame you. Heh!

Updated to add: We just got our move date to Maine. It’s on the 27th. Oy vey!


Back to Venice Beach. We had such a great time even though the drive made us all a little crazy. The hummingbird made it extra fun. I would always tell her to use the bathroom before we left a rest stop or a restaurant. Then, like 2 minutes later, after we would just be getting back on the freeway, she would say she has to go potty.

So, the hubby and I would have to hear… “I have to go potty. I have to go potty. I have to poop. I have to go potty. I have to POOP! I NEED TO POTTY. I have to pee. I have to pee. I have to go potty.”…. until we stopped again. Good times! And to think my husband wanted us to drive from Northern California to Maine. OH, HELL NO!

*Oh yeah, I’ll be starting a book giveaway on Monday so make sure to check it out. It’s such a great book that will have you laughing your ass off. Here’s the book I’ll be giving away… I Just Want To Pee Alone.

*Des’ree ~ You Gotta Be

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Drunk Posting: What I Really Think Of Sarah Palin…. Over Four Years Later.

September 2007

September 2007

I don’t normally talk much about my beliefs in religion or politics but I’ve had 2 beers and a shot of vodka so I had the not so genius idea of DRUNK POSTING! I might fuck up facts because I’m drunk, people! Don’t take this too seriously, alright? Alright! I’m sure to be a blathering idiot and I’m fine with that. No amount of harsh comments can be as bad as this shit. If I can handle people saying I’m a shitty parent and calling my daughter “a fucking brat” and hating on me only because I have a child, I can deal with anything.


Hey Sarah Palin,

What. The. Fuck. Lady? For a quick second, I was excited that a woman was running for vice-president. Out of all honesty, I was actually shocked that Barack Obama beat out Hillary Clinton, who I was really rooting for. I do love Obama though and damn, Michelle is rockin’ her bad self.

Then there was that really fucking stupid bullshit about what Mrs. Clinton was wearing and people actually discussed “her cankles”.

Ummm, OMFG, seriously people?!

I didn’t know much about Obama and it never occurred to me to read up on him because I was preggers and my brain cells were MIA.

I would say I’m definitely liberal but I’ve been going more towards the Green Party.

My husband and I were living in Washington, D.C. at the time and had been in a war protest that started at the White House and ended at Capitol Hill.

He’s in the Navy by the way, and I was very proud at the risk he took when it came to being involved in something that was important to me.

Anyway, before we marched, I heard Ralph Nader give a speech and the man kicked ass. I fell in love with the guy!

Fyi, I was torn between Obama and Nader but while standing in line for two hours, while 4 months pregnant, and needing to pee like crazy, once I got to the voting station, I went for Ralph Nader.

Back to Palin.

You make my brain hurt.

I saw the movie, Game Change, recently and wow, Julianne Moore did a better job than the real you.

I am so fucking thankful that McCain didn’t win because the thought of you being vice-president makes me think that the women of the United States would be back on the prairie, churning butter, and having very few rights.

Sarah Palin, you make me embarrassed to be a woman. So take your ‘you betcha” and stick it up your ass.

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