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When it comes to transitioning your child from a crib to a big bed, there are 2 perfect words to describe the experience. Oh and f*ck!

*Diclaimer: Don’t use all of this at once or else you’ll be so jacked up and call everyone, babbling away in your Nyquil and Xanax haze. But look at the bright side. There would be something to talk about during those awkward Thanksgiving dinners.

We really dragged our feet when it came to the hummingbird getting her big girl bed. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be but it also wasn’t a great transition.

Giving the then 2 year-old little hummingbird free reign to her room was terrifying to me. We took out most of her toys and even found latches so she couldn’t get into her sliding door closet.

Other than that, we just hoped she would sleep. It was a good few weeks when she really got the hang of it and would actually stay in bed on some nights.

Here are a few parenting essentials you’ll need when you’re outside your child’s door while they scream mmmoooooooooommmmmmmmyyyyyyy.

I may or may not have used some or all of these things. Ahem.

Nyquil is the midnight snack for moms the world over. During this transition, pre-order a case. While you’re telling your child over and over and over again to get back in bed, make it a drinking game. Every time you say GET. BACK. IN. BED. RIGHT. NOW., take a shot. You’ll be passed out in no time and won’t care that your kid won’t stay in bed. Problem solved!

Baby jail, or a security gate so they can’t get out of their room and cause havoc all over while you and the hubby are sleeping soundly.

An iPod is a must. Instead of hearing your child scream bloody murder, you can hear Trent Reznor do the same to music.

Calling your mom. There will probably be a time during this (and every other stage of childhood) when you will call your mom and tell her you’re child is broken and you want a new one. Okay I never said that (or maybe I did) but I have said countless times “this can’t be normal, can it?”.

A big, Costco size bottle of Xanax for obvious reasons.

There you go, you’re all set. Now, get that Nyquil bottle into position!

How did your child respond to the transition of a big bed? Was there lots of drinking? Dead bodies? A nervous tic?

*photo credit: TheKidChronicles

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My half ass attempt at cooking: Orgasmic Fudge Brownie Pie

This is one of my all time favorite recipes. My mom made it when I was younger so it’s definitely something I love making that gives me warm fuzzies.

This is also a very simple recipe which is right up my alley. I love serving the brownie pie with whip cream and sliced strawberries. It’s so good! A tip: microwave the slices 15-20 seconds before serving.

2 eggs

1 cup sugar

1/2 cup margarine, melted

1/2 cup all purpose flour

1/3 cup cocoa powder

1/4 tsp salt

1 tsp vanilla

1/2 cup chopped nuts (optional)

 Mix eggs in a bowl. Blend in sugar and melted margarine. Combine flour, cocoa, and salt and then add to egg mixture. Stir in vanilla and nuts. Pour into lightly greased 8 inch pie pan. Bake at 350 for 25 minutes or until almost set.

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Vodka and a dixie cup. What more do you need in life?

A few weeks ago was the 17th anniversary of when my hubby and I started dating. It also reminded me of the night before my wedding from hell thanks to my MIL.

Not long before the wedding I was out with my mom and sister and we started talking about what we were going to do the night before. I was surprised when my mom said no alcohol. I figured it was the night before my afternoon wedding so I wanted to live it up but not too much.

My mom and I argued a little which was pretty rare at that point in my life and it seemed so unlike her to be against me drinking the night before my wedding. We compromised with one drink and then I figured I could sneak some from my maid of honor.

We were spending the night at my parents house the night before the wedding and my future hubby and his best man were staying at our apartment although most of his family, especially his grandmother, they didn’t know we were already living together.

The hubby and I got sick not long before the wedding so I couldn’t care less about drinking the night before. We all went out for the rehearsal dinner and all I wanted to do was take some Nyquil and go to bed once I went to my parents.

Since it was so long ago I don’t remember what led up to it but I do know that everybody except my mom and I were asleep so we went outside on the porch to talk.

After dealing with all of the wedding preparations with my mother-in-law and family that had come in for the wedding, it was so nice to have my mom to myself.  We were talking for some time and then my mom told me she was going back into the house for a minute to get something.

She came back onto the porch with a bottle of vodka and a dixie cup. I was like what in the hell, I had to fight you for one beer. So, there we were sitting on the porch in the middle of the night, tossing back dixie cup shots of vodka.

We were laughing hysterically about who knows what when we realized we needed a bathroom break. The only problem was we didn’t want to go back inside the house because we were so toasted and loud and didn’t want to wake everybody up including my maid of honor who was asleep in the living room near the front door.

What to do?

It seemed perfectly reasonable in our state to go back to nature so we walked onto the front lawn and had a little squat or at least tried to. We were both laughing so hard and it was really difficult to keep our balance but yes, we peed in the front yard then went back on the porch for a few more shots of vodka.

My mom and I had stayed up talking and laughing until around 4 am and it was one of best times I’ve had. What wasn’t so great was only getting a few hours of sleep before everyone was rounded up to get ready for my wedding. I found a way to pull through and a few hours later I was a Mrs.

We had a formal reception at the church but then went back to my parents house for a laid back reception with sandwiches and beer. I skipped the beer and told myself I’m never drinking again. At least not until later that night when my new hubby and I stayed in a honeymoon suite and drank champagne.

When it comes to my wedding, the night before with my mom just hanging out and talking was my favorite part of the whole thing.

I usually find that no matter how much you plan anything, some of the best memories are those that you don’t plan. Even if it involves peeing in the front yard like classy ladies do.

*Updated: I think this post should be a drinking game. Every time you read “the night before my wedding” you take a shot of vodka in a dixie cup. :^)

**I definitely plan to write about my in-laws but I need some time to cool down or else you’ll be reading more gibberishy gibberish than normal.

***You should check out this new website, What The Flicka?, that was founded by Desperate Housewives actress Felicity Huffman. It will be going live soon but there’s already a twitter account and a FB page to get the latest information. I can tell that the site is going to be amazing!

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Back by popular demand, my mom. What in the hell is that noise?!

*Here is the first guest post my mom did back in May.

I like to have some white noise while I sleep so I always keep a fan on in my bedroom. For several mornings I would wake up to the sound of something in my bedroom.

It would drive me crazy and I wasn’t able to figure out where it was coming from. I would look everywhere and couldn’t find anything.

On occasion it would also happen in the middle of the night. One night while fast asleep I was awakened to what sounded like a bird fluttering its wings.

I grabbed my flashlight, turned off the fan, and walked slowly through each room.

Nothing.

I went back to bed and sat there for a while.

Still nothing.

I said f—k it, turned the fan back on, and tried to go to sleep. All of a sudden I realized the noise was coming from my fan.

Boy, did I feel like an idiot.

                                                                   

Yummy Pepperoni Pasta Salad

1 package rotini pasta (I like the garden variety)
1 pack feta cheese (crumbled)
1 can chopped black and green olives
Croutons
Zesty Italian dressing
1 pack pepperoni slices
          
Cook pasta, drain, and cool. Add other ingredients to taste. You can also add any other veggie or change the dressing to what you like. The croutons give it the extra zing. ~ Love, Elle’s mom

                                                          

Me: So, what are you up to mom?

Mom: I’m making pasta salad.

Me: Ooooh, yum!

Mom: With pepperoni.

Me: You have to email me the recipe because that sounds so good. Remember to also send that story about that noise you kept on hearing for weeks and then it ended up being your fan. Hahahahahahaha!

Mom: Yeah, I feel like an idiot. I promise, I will.

Me: So what else is in the pasta salad?

Mom: You can really put anything you want in there. I like adding croutons.

Me: Croutons are awesome.

Mom: The thing is because they hurt my teeth, I have to smash the shit out of the croutons before I add them to anything but I still get the flavor.

Me: You what?

Mom: I smash my croutons with a hammer until they turn into a powder.

Me: Mom, seriously?

Mom: Yeah.

Me: Well what’s the point of eating croutons when they’re all powdery. Maybe you should pull a Lindsay Lohan and just snort the croutons. You might get more flavor.

Mom: Haha, smartass.

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First rule of family…you don’t mess with someone’s mom. Second rule…if someone does, you write a ranty post about it.

The past couple of months have been pretty crazy. My sister and her husband separated. One day they’re handling the separation as well as they can. The next day, it’s really messy and he takes all of the money out of their joint account, leaving her with nothing. It’s been pretty stressful to see my baby sister in this situation with her two kids, ages 5 and 3.

As the saying goes, when it rains, it pours.

My mom has been working in a career that she just can’t stand for the past 20 years or so. In the Spring she moved closer to my sister before all hell broke loose. My mom was trying to get out of the work she’s been doing but it’s difficult because that’s where she has the most job experience.

Not long after she started the job she hates, she decided she was done. That’s when she told me she’s going to school part-time to become a massage therapist. I was sooooo proud of my mama. It seems like all her life she would do things to make others happy but this was one of the first times she was doing something to make her happy.

She was a single mom when I was younger and she worked her ass off to make sure I had what I needed. Finally having enough of her job and going to school to do something she really wanted was really exciting.

She started school in July and the instructor was also the owner of the school. My mom would rave about this guy and tell me how nice he was. Then he started getting flaky and wouldn’t show up to teach class. That led to this guy sending other instructors to teach classes.

Recently, after a long day at work, my mom went to school and was waiting in the parking lot for someone to open the doors of the school. That’s when she saw a guy come up to the building and he started changing the locks on the door. He ended up being the actual owner of the building and was hesitant at first but told her he had bad news.

The instructor/owner of the school hadn’t paid the rent on the building for months and nobody has heard from him. This guy took off with everyone’s tuition. 4,000 dollars for each student. All of my mom’s savings and some of that money was from a loan my mom took out so she could go to this school.

After all she’s been through and how hard she’s worked all of her life, this asshole rips her off and others.

Right now things are up in the air but it looks like the students will file a class action lawsuit against this guy, Michael. I can’t believe anyone would do this but it really ticks me off that after all of these years, my mom went out and did something she really wants to do and then ends up getting royally screwed.

My mom deserves the very best in life and I really hope she gets it. Love you mom!

So, Michael who took all of my mom’s money and skipped town, I’m awarding you douchebag of the year.

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You say it’s your birthday…

To the most incredible and beautiful mom I know…
 

Happy Birthday!! 

~~~

Here are some things to brighten your big day…

 
 
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Big hugs…
 
 
                                                                      ~~~
 
And sweet dreams…
 
 
                                                                     ~~~
 
Love you mom!
xoxo,
me, the hubby, and the little hummingbird.
 
Wait…Stop! Hammer time!
 
 
 
                                                                       ~~~
 
We can’t forget Maisy…
 
 
 
                                                                   ~~~
 
Or the kitty your son-in-law cat napped out of its own yard heeheehee
 
 
                                                                    ~~~
          
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For all the times I played Falco that one summer…
 
         
                                                                    ~~~ 
 
And for all the times we would sing this in the car…
 
         
                                                                    ~~~
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Number twelve looks just like you.

I hope everyone celebrating the 4th of July is having a great day!

They cancelled the fireworks where I live and also imposed a $1,ooo fine for anyone setting them off. That hasn’t stopped the obnoxious douchebags setting them off all weekend at like 2 in the morning. We live in military housing and nobody has been setting them off in our neighborhood but I’ve been hearing them nearby.

I actually wouldn’t have a problem with the fireworks if these people did it earlier than 2 am when my daughter is sound asleep. I’m afraid it will wake her up and then I would have to hunt down these people, stick a bottle rocket up their butt, and light it. Even with a $1,000 fine, it would be so worth it.

Sunday I woke up and felt awful so I think I have some kind of plague. Luckily the little hummingbird hasn’t shown any signs of being sick or my hubby. I’m stuck in a cold medicine haze and taking it easy while the hubby tries to keep up with our little girl. I’m enjoying the hell out of that part of being sick. At least until he goes back to work tomorrow and then I’ll have to be the one racing around with the plague and making sure the hummingbird doesn’t get into much trouble. *cries*

I’ve been in a Twilight Zone marathon coma since yesterday. I freaking love the TZ marathons. One of my all time favorites is when aliens come down to earth and some people try to decipher a book one of the aliens left behind at a press conference. It ends up being called “To Serve Man” and what one guy doesn’t find out until the end while he’s boarding a spaceship is that it’s actually a cookbook. Awesome!

Other favs (writing them all would take forever); the one where the earth is moving closer to the sun, the young woman trying to fight being made “perfect” (hence the name of this post), and the one where the little girl falls out of her bed and through her wall into another dimension. I saw that episode when I was younger and it pretty much scarred me for life. I never wanted my bed near the wall after that.

Even now if we’re traveling and staying at a hotel, if the bed is too close to the wall, I won’t sleep on that side. Yes, I’m a freak.

~~~

I was able to read several blogs over the weekend and there were a few that had stories of the embarrassing things parents did when the now mamas were younger. It reminded me of something that happened when I was in high school.

My mom had this big ass Buick that even she didn’t like. There were a few times when she would be able to pick me up from school and while I liked that I didn’t have to ride the bus, the ginormous car would embarrass me. One time when she picked me up, she parked in the student parking lot that didn’t have parking bumps I think that’s what they’re called. They’re not speed bumps but I love it when there’s a sign for speed humps. It makes me giggle because I’m 12. but instead had this low chain going around the parking lot that was in the first row of spaces.

When I saw her park I said a quick goodbye to my friends hoping they wouldn’t see me get into this boat on wheels. Come to think of it, the car seemed as big as those duck boats that do those tours. I hopped in the car still hoping nobody would see me and my mom put the car in reverse. The freaking car wouldn’t move. She tried again and nothing.

She got out and saw the chain in the front of the parking space got stuck on the grill of the car. I thought I would die! We both tried to push on the hood of the car to get some momentum going  so we could get the front of the car to go up and down and get the chain unhooked but nada. By then some of my friends and other classmates obviously took notice. I was 16 and while my mom is the greatest mom in the universe, at that age everything my parents did seemed to embarrass me like every other 16-year-old.

With this spectacle, I thought for certain I would never be able to live this down. A few guys I was friends with, including one I had a huge crush on, came over while we were trying to unhook the chain from under the ginormous boat of a car. After a few minutes they were able to get us free and I was already planning on never going back to school ever again.

After that weekend, I was dreading the worst when I went back to school and while there were some jokes, it wasn’t that bad. A year or so later when my mom finally got a car that wasn’t embarrassing, guess who got the big ass boat car? It was all miiiine! Fortunately, the car died less than a year later.

I swear I didn’t have anything to do with its demise. Mostly not. Okay, maybe a little. No, really I didn’t.

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