This Is Mommyhood | Category Archive

Archive | mommyhood RSS feed for this section

Pregnancy sucks… and then it doesn’t… and then it does… and then you just want that baby out.

By Elle on May 20, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, daughter, life is funny, marriage, mommyhood, new mommyhood, pregnancy

*This post was inspired by Marianna from Snappy Surprise who’s pregnant with her first child. Let’s take a minute to welcome her to the mommyhood club!

Pregnancy is such a magical time. You start growing and growing and getting bigger and bigger. There’s some pretty wicked hormones running through your body that makes you cry over a candy commercial. Not just some crying with a light case of the sniffles… it’s the ugly cry.

And before you leave the house, you’re a bathroom ninja and you check to see where the bathrooms are in the vicinity of where your going. I’ve already written about some things I experienced in the days and weeks following my daughter’s birth. Now, it’s time to tackle pregnancy.

A case of the barfs –

I was puking throughout most of my pregnancy. The nausea would get so bad that I would get the spins. Prenatal vitamins were assholes and I would puke nightly after about an hour of feeling like I wanted to die. That was finally resolved when a nurse told me to take 2 gummy Flintstone vitamins without iron in place of the prenatal.

When I was pregnant, my sense of smell was on steroids. I would be dry heaving at things I loved prior to being pregnant, like pepperoni pizza. I would even carry plastic bags in my purse just in case I would get sick.

Cravings -

I wanted anything lemony or citrusy. My biggest cravings were anything to do with fruit, potatoes, Taco Bell bean burritos with sour cream, and orange juice. Holy hell, I would stab somebody if they fucked with my orange juice. My poor husband.

Food aversions -

That freaking rotiserrie chicken at the grocery store would give me the biggest case of the barfs. It was awful and I would dread having to go grocery shopping. I must have looked like such a sane person before I started showing because there I’d be, going down aisle after aisle, gagging at the smell of that damn chicken wafting in the air.

The sweet spot. -

It was around 6 months when my pregnancy seemed more real to me and it was also around that time that the hummingbird was really, really active at night. My favorite part of the day was late at night when I would be laying in bed and she would be doing her acrobatic circus acts. I loved that bonding time with her.

I would also love when the hummingbird would get the hiccups when she was on the inside. After she was born, I would hold her close to my chest so I could get that feeling back.

The alien inside. -

One night while watching the alien inside of me move around, I lifted up my shirt and would see her poking through my stomach. Then, holy shit, there was an elbow or a knee that really poked up and went from the left side of my stomach to the right side. My first thought was that my baby was going to burst through my stomach like a scene in the movie Alien.

Nobody ever told me stuff like that happens and I was about to wake up my husband to tell him our baby is eating its way through my abdomen. Then it happened a few more times and since my stomach was still intact and my fetus didn’t eat through it, I was pretty sure I was safe.

Peeing every 5 minutes. -

You pee, and pee, and pee, and pee, and pee some more. One thing that should be very clear is that when a pregnant woman says she has to pee right this very second, don’t respond with “But we’ll be there in 5 minutes. Just hold it until then.” Especially if you want to live. There’s a baby sitting on our bladder and once we have to pee, we have to do it then and there.

I’ll eventually be able to lift myself off the couch between now and tomorrow night -

In my 7th month, I started to slow down more because of my basketball sized belly that would have me waddling like a duck. Once I would sit in a chair or on the couch, I would feel like I needed a forklift to get me up. It was getting more difficult to try to get comfortable whether I was sitting, standing, laying on the bed, walking, and driving.

No, I’m not moody, motherfucker. -

I was moody through my entire pregnancy which by the way, I admit I would take advantage of sometimes, but in my 31st week of pregnancy, I was done, done, done. I was so ready for my daughter to be born. My mood was certainly helped by people who would say to me “Wow, you’re still pregnant! It looks like you should have had that baby weeks ago!”

Get this damn baby out of me now! -

I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t sleep, I had to pee ALL THE TIME, I wanted to eat soft cheeses again, and there seemed like there wasn’t anymore room for the hummingbird to grow. It was cramped quarters in my uterus and I was so ansty and restless to meet my baby. I finally did on April 15, 2009. Her due date was May 6 and that was when we were able to bring her home from the NICU.

Post-baby breast pump nipples -

There are so many things I could go on about when it comes to post-baby but one thing really sticks out in my mind. I had been pumping for a few weeks and one afternoon, while my newborn daughter was taking a nap, I decided to pump a little extra longer than normal. When I took off the breast shield, I almost screamed.

My nipple was the size of a quarter.

Let me repeat.

My nipple was the size of a quarter!!

With my pregnancy hormones strong and having first time mom-itis, I thought I broke my nipple and it would never go back to its normal size again. I called my husband at work and as soon as he answered, I was like “Omg, Omg, I broke my nipple. It’s huge! I was pumping and now it’s the size of a freaking quarter! What do I do?!”

The hubby calmed me down (I’ll never know how he stopped himself from laughing at me) and tried to assure me that my nipple wasn’t broken and if I just gave it some time, it would go back down to its regular size.

Luckily it did. After that, I thought it was the coolest thing that my nipples could get so large. What? I blame it on being sleep deprived and the fact that I’m easily amused. If I could have, I probably would have stopped everyone I came across in my daily life and would have told them “Want to know something cool? My nipples can get as big as quarters! Wanna see?”

But then there’s that whole getting arrested for public indecency that I wanted to avoid.

What were some of your memorable pregnancy experiences?

*Yael Naim – New Soul

Comments { 8 }

18 things to say to your kids before they’re 18.

By Elle on May 14, 2013 in mommyhood, the little hummingbird, this and that

*If you have a writing prompt suggestion, please leave it in the comments or email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

This writing prompt is from Alyssa who blogs at The Wild, Weird World Of Us and it’s 18 things to say to your kids before they hit 18.

1. Please, PLEASE sleep.

2. You’re on mommy’s PMS cycle, aren’t you?

3. Why? Because. Why? Because. Why? Because. Why? ….

4. We need to get you to preschool. Get your shoes on, please. Did you change outfits again? Well, get your shoes on. Repeat 10 times. Get your jacket. No, you don’t need to start changing clothes again. Get your jacket on. Repeat 5 times. Where’s your other shoe? Get that shoe on. Repeat 10 times. Okay, let’s get going. Repeat 5 times. Sorry, it’s too late to braid your hair. Hey, where did your jacket go? You just had it on.

5. Mommy will be right back. Twitch. Twitch. She needs to go to the kitchen and get a glass of “mommy juice”.

6. Me: *cries* How did my baby get to be 4? Her: Silly mommy, I’m not a baby. Me: *sobs uncontrollably*

7. *Once they start school.* Why do I have more homework to do now that I’m out of school than I did when I was in school?

8. No, you can’t have a cell phone. You’re way too young.

9. *After incessant begging.* Fine, you can have a phone. But only for emergencies.

10. Will you get off the phone already?!

11. Go to your room! Just don’t use your computer, television, phone, iPod, kindle, gaming chair…. oh, nevermind! Go sit in the hall closet.

12. Don’t make me pull this car over!

13. Turn that music down!

14. Back in my day, they had “real” music.

15. Ask your father.

16. Sit your child down for the “big” talk. Have a serious and lengthy conversation about why Carrie should have chosen Aidan over Mr. Big. Use graphs, charts, and you tube videos if necessary.

17. If you’re going over to your friend’s house, I want the parent’s names, home address, social security numbers, car make and model, and their blood type. Oh yeah, and 3 references.

18. Why, yes! Of course I waited until I was 18 to have sex. Definitely. Ahem.

What would you add to the list?

*Guns N’ Roses

**Post… Guns N’ Roses and my peanut butter covered autograph. Sounds way more kinky than it is.

Comments { 3 }

Mother’s Day

By Elle on May 12, 2013 in mommyhood

Happy Mother’s Day to all of my beautiful readers! I hope each and every one of you gets a little pampering today… even if it’s only 15 minutes of locking yourself in the bathroom. Just a tip, bring your iPod in there so it drowns out the banging on the door from your kids.

Comments { 3 }

I would love to take a hit off of the “know it all” bong my mother-in-law obviously smokes from.

By Elle on May 9, 2013 in anxiety, family, hold me, holy hell, hubby, in-laws, mommyhood, mother-in-law, my brain is melting, ranty, wtf?

Haven’t you heard?! My mother-in-law is a fucking genius! She knows EVERYTHING!

So, let’s go back a few weeks ago, to the weekend prior to the hummingbird’s 4th birthday on April 15th. I can only tolerate my in-laws for a few hours with each visit. I was done dealing with them by Friday night. They arrived just a few hours earlier so they were right on track.

A quick-ish sidenote… the Navy keeps changing its mind about moving us to Maine because of the hummingbird’s medical issues. I say fuck that. Where we currently live in Northern California, we’re about 2 or so hours away from Stanford, which is where we have to go to try to solve her ongoing medical puzzle.

When it comes to living in Maine, it will pretty much be the same set up as we’d be about the same distance to Boston. So, I don’t see it as a big problem but of course the military has to be a pain in the ass, as usual.

Anyway, after years of bitching about my mother-in-law, I find her not only to be a cold-hearted bitch but also a See You Next Tuesday. Or to be rather frank, a cunt. I’ve never cared for that word and don’t take it lightly but for her, I’ll make an exception.

Another sidenote… last quarter, my husband taught a class on a Tuesday and would never understand why a few of his students would chuckle a little when the hubby would say at the end of his class See You Next Tuesday!

He was telling me about it one night and that’s when I said, ya know sweetie, you’re calling your students cunts which is probably why they find it amusing. He was like Ahhhh, so that’s why!

Back to my MIL. I have been struggling with her for over 18 years and after this visit, I’m done trying to get along with her. She’s made it very clear that it’s never going to happen.

I could tell this woman that water is wet and I swear, she would fight me to the death to show that I’m in some way wrong. That’s how it goes with her for every visit but this visit in particular made her a know it all of every fucking thing in the universe.

My hubby and FIL went into the kitchen and I was stuck in the living room with my MIL while trying to make small talk. I only say as little as possible because of the way she always seems to respond to everything I say.

We talked about Maine for a minute.

Me: I’m a little concerned about how much snow we’ll get there but I know the hummingbird will love it.

MIL: No, you’re wrong. It doesn’t snow much there. Maybe once or twice a year.

Me: *mentally rolls eyes* How often have you been to Maine?

MIL: Never.

MIL: Oh look, is that The Notebook on t.v?

Me: It is.

MIL: You never told me much about your visit with author Nicholas Sparks last summer.

Me: I reluctantly tell her a few things that he said during the interview I had with him, especially when he talked about writing The Notebook. That included saying how old he was when he wrote the book and that it was the very first book he wrote.

MIL: I highly doubt he was that young when he wrote the book. That doesn’t sound right at all.

Me: Ummm… I’m just going by what he said in the interview.

MIL: No, I don’t think that’s true at all. I know he had other books before that too.

Me: Actually, he has written several books after that but The Notebook was the first one.

Mil: No, you’re wrong.

Me: *stab… stab…. stab*

After that, I totally shut down, excused myself, and went upstairs to have one of my party favors… a shot of vodka. There was more to the conversation with my MIL than this but I would like to keep what little bit of sanity I have left without rehashing it out.

I’m actually leaving several things out that she said and did during the visit because I am so done with her and over it. She’s just a bitch who only gets along with her 100 plus turtles that she has at her house. The woman is a turtle hoarder. I really need to write about that sometime. Don’t let me forget.

I think it’s the oddest thing that no mater what I say to her, she has to find some kind of fault with it. I’ve never thought this shit was a competition with her but she seems to think so.

We had the hummingbird’s birthday party on April 13th and I avoided my MIL like the plague. Luckily, with the other kids and their parents there, it was easy to do.

On Sunday, my hubby and I went out to see a movie. With Ryan Gosling, of course. The Place Beyond The Pines was really, really good. Then it was back to the snake pit with the in-laws.

On Monday, the hummingbird’s actual birthday, we went out for lunch with the in-laws. That whole thing was my fault because my husband was going out to lunch with his parents.

I had planned a birthday lunch with just the hummingbird and me and called the hubby to ask if his parents left yet. That’s when he let me know that they’ll be leaving after he has lunch with them.

My dumb ass suggested we all have lunch together since I’m sure they’d like to see the hummingbird one last time before they leave.

I know. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. No matter how much I can’t stand my in-laws, I’d feel horrible if I kept the hummingbird and my husband away from them.

While we were waiting for our food at the restaurant and everyone was wrapped up in conversation, I was looking through my Twitter feed and started reading about something just happening in Boston. Then I was reading about bombs going off at the Boston Marathon and was shocked.

I’m very sensitive with things but I obviously know that a lot of people aren’t as hyper-sensitive with things like I am so I don’t expect them to have the reactions I would have. That’s why I don’t know why in the world I was surprised by my MIL’s lack of a reaction but I can’t imagine not feeling any compassion about something.

When I read about what was unfolding in Boston, I nudged my husband and told him that a few bombs went off at the marathon finish line.

With my MIL overhearing this, and being the delicate flower that she is, she responded with…

MIL: And?? What’s the big deal??

Me: It’s horrible. I can’t imagine how many people must have been hurt or worse. (I was trying to watch my words in front of my daughter.)

MIL: Oh well. They’re runners. They’re healthy.

I’m not trying to say my MIL had to feel a certain way about what happened in Boston but when two bombs go off and there are thousands of people around, I don’t know how she could be so indifferent to it.

There were a few seconds afterward where I wanted to dive across the table and stab her with my fork.

The in-laws finally left later that afternoon and I told my hubby I don’t expect to see them for quite a while after this visit. I told him if he wants to visit them with the hummingbird, that’s fine, but if they come to visit us after we move to Maine, there will be a lot of things I won’t keep quiet about anymore when it comes to his mom acting the way she does.

I’ve said this so many times before but next time, when they visit us, I will let the MIL know that if she can’t keep her ass in line and treat me with some respect in our house, she can go fuck herself. And yes, I would love nothing more than to use those exact words.

*Emotion Sickness – Silverchair

Comments { 10 }

Before I had the hummingbird, I said no to having Hello Kitty and Princesses in the house. After, the house is covered in that shit.

By Elle on May 7, 2013 in daughter, mommyhood, the little hummingbird

When I was pregnant with the hummingbird, I was so anti-princess and didn’t care for Hello Kitty. I had a few reasons but the main one was whenever I thought of a princess or HK invading our house, I envisioned my unborn daughter one step closer to being a Paris Hilton clone.

Yeah.

I don’t get me either.

I tried to avoid lots of pink and had a pretty neutral baby room.

Things were going good when low and behold, I spotted pink pants covered with a frilly bottom.

That’s when “the change” happened for me.

Damn it.

I was buying pink clothes left and right.

When she was about 2, we let her help with picking out outfits for the day.

No matter how goofy, I love toddler fashion.

For awhile now, the hummingbird has been dressing herself before my eyes are even open in the morning. I think I’ve only made her change her clothes twice.

And that’s because she had shorts on in the winter.

When I heard other moms wish death on Dora the Explorer, I felt lucky that the hummingbird hadn’t discovered her, especially since that little shit Caillou and Max And Ruby are awful enough.

Then she started preschool last year and got on the Dora train…. along with Hello Kitty.

Although Dora still makes me stabby, I caved a few days ago and bought the hummingbird some cheap Dora “it will be a miracle if they last longer than a week” shoes, something I said I would never do.

It also looks like Hello Kitty barfed up a giant merchandise fur ball in our house.

What’s my point? I’m not really sure. I do know that before you have kids, it’s so easy to say “I won’t let my kid act a certain way” or “I’m never letting my daughter have any Dora clothes because then she’ll do that awkward stare at me and I’ll be like What Dora?? What?! What the fuck do you want me to say to you??!”

Ahem.

But once you have kids and they look up at you with their sweet little face and say “Pwease, mommy, pwease.” you’re screwed.

The things I said I would never do when I became a parent are what I end up doing now.

One thing that I will always stand by, no matter what, is that she has to wait until she’s 40 before she starts dating.

Yeah, I know. Good luck with that!

*Toni Basil – Mickey

Comments { 5 }

Why can’t I fucking be sweet?!

By Elle on April 17, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, mommyhood, the little hummingbird

I don’t really care for my writing. I cringe if I even read a little of what I write.

Ugh!

After all of these years, I guess I’m still trying to fit in.

Not only with my writing but with life in general.

But it’s impossible.

I will never be a sweet “mommy blogger” who talks about motherhood or life being all rainbows and sunshine.

Even the “honest” and “candid” writers I come across are much sweeter.

Sure, I get sentimental about shit.

See, right there!

I end up having “sentimental” and “shit” in the same sentence.

I just can’t help it.

But for some reason I can’t seem to accept that I’m not sweet when I tell my tales.

Then I get writer’s block and I’m totally fucked because I’ll try to be something I’m not.

I read such beautifully written posts by people.

Sometimes I wish that could be me writing that way.

But it’s very unlikely that will happen.

Raw and not that well written is what I know.

It will have to be good enough.

I’ll just save the sweet stuff for when I’m with my daughter, playing kitchen and eating her pretend cookie and carrot soup.

And then letting her know it’s the best thing I’ve ever had while I cover her face with kisses.

Ahem.

Ssshh!

Don’t tell anyone about that.

I’m not sweet, damn it!

*Foo Fighters – Monkey Wrench

Comments { 11 }

The little hummingbird is 4!!

By Elle on April 15, 2013 in mommyhood, pictures, the little hummingbird

Happy Birthday to my precious baby girl, the little hummingbird! May you never let me pee in peace for the rest of your days. (2 posts… 2 years-old, 3 years-old)