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I’m Not Really Sure What I’m Trying To Say Or If I Even Have A Point So, I Guess It’s Like Anything Else I Write On Here

Obviously, I haven’t been as dedicated to my blog in the last year as I was for the first 4 years. And I’ve been trying to figure out why because I really miss it. I’m still writing but not on here very often. But the other week it hit me. It’s self-doubt, among some other things.

Yes, I may sound like a whiny bitch but when I came across some things last summer about people doubting I was ever pregnant with my son that I lost last year or if I’m even a mom at all what the fuckity fuck?!, that just put a bad taste in my mouth when it comes to writing on my blog and over sharing. I just felt like “fuck this”. I know I’m way too sensitive but it’s hard to accept that there are people like that out there. If I read something I don’t like on a blog, I move on and don’t rip that person to shreds. Especially since there are a billion other blogs to read.

No, not everyone has to love me or what I write but damn, I openly share these things about myself because not only do I feel better when I’m so open… it’s kind of like therapy, I know what it feels like to think you’re the only person out there who’s going through depression, anxiety, the what the fucks of parenting and motherhood, and figuring out what the hell is up with this husband guy I live with and his never ending snoring and grinding of his teeth and lack of talking or talking too much when I have that special one night a year to enjoy The Oscars and the butthead talks all the way through the ceremony and I want to punch him in the balls. Really, hubby? Really? You rarely talk as it is but talk nonstop the one time of year when I’d prefer your usual silence??

So, yeah. I used to think my blog was a safe haven in a way but since last year, I worry about anything I may write and what may possibly be picked apart elsewhere.

But I know I should say fuck it. This type of thing comes along with the territory although knowing there’s a site out there specifically to rip apart women bloggers is unsettling.

The grief I’ve been experiencing more and more from the loss of Ben has also had such an effect on my desire to write. His first birthday would have been June 4th and the closer that date comes, the harder it is to get my ass out of bed and somehow function as best as I can.

We also recently found out that while we have one more year in Maine, the owners are coming back this summer and we have just a few months to find a house, pack, and move by July. And since my husband will be retiring from the Navy next summer, we then have to move again to what we hope will be our permanent home somewhere on the west coast.

I’ve logged into my blog many times to write about each of these things but since knowing that whatever I write may be put under a microscope by others and judged, it sucks. And to be blunt, it’s very hurtful.

But then I think there may still be those who actually read what I write because they like it. At least I hope they do. And that’s exactly who I should put my focus on.

It’s so true how you can have people say 10 positive things about you but it’s the one negative thing that will be what sticks out in your mind.

I need to stop thinking about those who will always have negative things to say or may hate read my blog.

I need to go back to writing the way I used to. Writing without having all of this self-doubt about how others will perceive it.

Fun little fact… I took an Ambien an hour ago so if this doesn’t make a smidgen of sense, there you go!

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Fun With Words

After becoming a mom, I found that there’s a lot of multi-tasking and juggling to the point where your brain gets so overloaded with all of the things you need to do, places you have to go, and that damn Elsa crown you’re being begged to find in a sea of toys.

I’ll get to sorting all of this stuff out in my brain, then I’ll see something shiny and get distracted. After a few minutes, okay… longer, I often find myself thinking “Wait. What the fuck was I supposed to be doing??!” It won’t be until 10 minutes go by that the hummingbird yells “MOM? Did you find Elsa’s crown? MOM? I still haven’t gotten the glass of water you were getting me after lunch.”

Then I think “Oh, shit! Yeah. She asked me for a glass of water an hours ago. Ooops.”

Do I have a point to this? No. No, I don’t.

Anyway…

When you have a kid, your privacy and dignity go out the window. Forever gone. Thankfully, there are those times when your child gives you a good laugh and helps even things out. The hummingbird is now 6 and since Kindergarten, it’s amazing how she’s grown mentally and emotionally.

You think they grow fast when they’re babies but damn, when they start school, it’s at lightening speed. Which is great. Yep, it’s wonderful. Fabulous.

Excuse me while I go cry in the corner and bang my hands and feet on the floor, screaming “Why, sweet baby jeebus? WHY?!”

My baby girl is becoming a young lady. Fuuck.

The hummingbird may seem so grown up at times and her speech has greatly improved (while those aspects of myself seem to be deteriorating), she can still act like a silly, wild little hummingbird.

She always seems to ask why things are the way they are and may need help about what some words and sayings mean and that’s when the funny ensues.

Here are some examples of words and sayings she can mispronounce or might not be clear on.

Apple Dumplings = Apple Ducklings

Heartbeat = Heartbeep

Breakfast = Breksfust

And my favorite… chocolate = cocklate. Yes, cocklate (cock-let). It’s get me every time.

*At the check out in the store*

“Mom? Can I have some COCKLATE? Please?! That can be my only treat today. Pretty please? I’d really like some COCKLATE.

Inside, I’m laughing my ass off. When I can contain myself, I’ll say it back correctly. “Are you sure you want some chocolate for your treat?”

“Yes! Please? I really, really, really, really, really would like some COCKLATE.”

So, yeah. It’s funny and endearing to see that she is still little and won’t be learning to drive or moving into her own apartment next week, which is what it can feel like to me sometimes.

Recently, for an after school snack, she asked for a lightly toasted bagel with cream cheese.

But my 6 year-old asked for a “Politely toasted bagel with cream cheese.”

In the past several months, I would think she would soon grow out of her love of talking about poop, farts, and burps. Thankfully, I was wrong… for now.

Last night while cuddling, this went down and it’s actually a more frequent conversation that can last a few minutes.

Hummingbird: I farted while I was burping. Did you hear it?

Me: No.

Hummingbird: Do you smell it now?

Me: Nope.

Hummingbird: How about now? ……

It never crossed my mind that with all the things that motherhood entails, “fart smeller” would be one of them.

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Being Baby: Zombies Are More Rested Than You’ll Be

The little hummingbird will be turning 6 next month. 6!! So, recently I’ve been thinking more about my past experiences with her and each stage she’s gone through up until now.

Did I mention she’ll be 6 soon? 6! What the hell?! The time really does go by way too fast. Although, at the same time, it can feel like it’s going by way. too. slow.

Then BAM! Your kid seems to grow overnight.

Babyhood – Looking back, I wish I paid much more attention. Or maybe it’s the exhaustion that makes this age a blur. I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself and the fact that I always compared myself to other moms.

The new mothers that would say motherhood is “the best thing ever” while I would have plenty of moments where I would cry or feel depressed and overwhelmed.

The new mothers that seemed to make it look so easy and effortless while I was frazzled.

No matter how much I tried to prepare myself when it came to being a parent, in reality it was learning as I go. It’s still like that and probably always will be.

Once you feel like you have this shit down, the fruit of your loins won’t get the memo and will change things up no matter how old they are.

Your baby is sleeping through the night? Maybe not in a few weeks.

Your baby loves a specific food? Ha! That may be all they want but out of nowhere, they’ll be like nope, no way, not gonna eat it.

Sleep – Zombies are more alert than parents who have a newborn.

Sanity – You’re running on adrenaline and have every single emotion there is. Sanity is unlikely at this age.

Lows – Being sleep-deprived, not sleeping, lack of sleep, crazy hormones.

Highs – Having it sink in that you created a little human, the love that develops, the first smile, the first everything.

Unwanted advice that made me want to stab everyone that would tell me this – “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” Much easier said than done. When my child would actually sleep, I had shit to do. Things like endless laundry, trying to finally eat at the end of the day as fast as possible and discovering that I can shove half an El Monterey bean and cheese burrito in my mouth. Taking a fast shower. Staring at my newborn while she slept, despite having shit to do. Being able to have 5 seconds to pee.

This age was a lot harder for me than I thought it would be. Being in charge of a tiny, helpless baby can be stressful and you may feel like it won’t get easier. Okay, so it may never be easy but they grow and as cliché as this is, you learn to expect the unexpected.

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10 More Signs That You Have A Little Girl

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Little girls seem to have a superpower. They can turn you into a puddle with their sweet, little voice which can cause the inability for you to say no. Your house may look like a stuffed animal, princess dress, and Hello Kitty factory blew up. Check out part one here.

10. Glitter – I banned glitter from the house while my 5 year-old was still in utero. Yet, glitter seems to appear out of nowhere.

9. Band-aids and stickers – You will see things tagged around the house with these items. Whether it’s her stuffed animals to my hair shine spray. There is currently a snowman sticker staring at me on the wall by the office door.

8. Tutus – Your little girl may acquire a crazy amount of tutus like mine. They take up two of her dresser drawers and that’s still not enough room.

7. Princess clothing – Before motherhood, I wasn’t going to let my kid be a walking billboard for Disney princesses or any other cartoon character. Ha! Little girls just like little boys I’m sure, will somehow sucker you into buying some hot at the moment cartoon character clothing item. It can include t-shirts, dresses, shoes, socks, etc.

6. You usually have missing couch cushions because hello, pillow forts – Once your child reaches a certain age, you will probably have a few, if not all, couch cushions missing most of the time for their fort.

5. Dad’s a boy… yuck – Your daughter may have her dad wrapped around her finger but soon she’ll understand that he’s a stinky, loud, gross boy like the ones in her kindergarten class. Ewww.

4. Princess dress up – Despite having a princess dress for every day of the week, it still won’t be enough for your little girl. You or your husband are also bound to accidentally step on and break a tiara and will have to endure the drama of the incident that only little girls can bring.

3. Tea parties – I don’t care who you are, you have to stop everything and drink your daughter’s pretend strawberry surprise tea and fake chocolate chip cookies with rainbow sprinkles.

2. You need the same color cups and dishware on hand – When your little girl has play dates at your house, save the trouble and your sanity by having the same color or design. If not, you may have an intense stand-off over who gets the “Elsa blue” cup or the polka-dot plate. Trust.

1. She’s your sweet girl one minute and a kid with major attitude the next minute – No matter how well-mannered and sweet your child is, they can turn into whiny, foot stomping, door slamming little monsters in the blink of an eye and you’ll wonder what happened to your adorable child while also thinking you may need to have an exorcism for them.

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1 Year

It’s been a year since we lost Ben. He would have been 9 months old. I find it hard not to think about how life would be if he was in it.

He would have an adoring older sister who would give him plenty of attention, love, and lots of kisses.

He would be crawling and using one of the cats as a chew toy.

He would have that adorably adorable drool dripping smile.

He would have irresistible chubby baby legs.

For the longest time I was internalizing the grief. But last week I started thinking about him and just sat where I had been standing and was crying for the longest time.

Even though we were supposed to box these up months ago, his clothes are still in my bottom dresser drawer. His crib bedding and swaddling blankets are still in the office closet.

My head is telling me it’s time to accept it and put away his things.

My heart is telling me it’s not ready.

*Just Breathe

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My Therapist Is On Vacation For The Next Two Weeks. I Apologize In Advance.

I was at Target and as usual, bought much more than I planned to. You go to Target for a bottle of shampoo and end up spending $200.

After getting the things I needed, I got the hummingbird some new clothes, My Little Pony socks, and a freaking Frozen comforter. For no reason whatsoever! We give her treats occasionally for doing well in school, keeping her room clean for a week (that lasted less than a day), putting her plate in the sink, etc.

But I’ve been noticing that it’s been happening more often and I realize that I’m spoiling her and need to stop this shit.

I started to wonder if it’s because she’s an only child and I’m trying to overcompensate? Or parents of more than one child can indulge their kids too and it doesn’t matter if you have 1 kid or 4.

The other part of it is spoiling the hummingbird came more often after we lost Ben. At the time, I was so far off in my head and emotionally wasn’t there like I should have been. That’s when the treats started to become more frequent. My husband has been doing the same thing since.

I know the only way to solve this is to quit buying all this crap I’m spoiling her with. It’s one of those things that’s easier said than done though. But I really need to come up with some boundaries.

Do you treat your kids? How often? Is it only for special occasions or can it be random?

*I’ve read this back and it might not make any sense. I just don’t want to raise a spoiled brat. So, I wanted to know if you do the same with treats or if I should put the brakes on it, etc.

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Essential Oil Junkie

A few years ago, I became a major tea freak and went crazy for everything Teavana. This time around it’s essential oils. I’ve used them for years in the skin care products I make, in my favorite non-toxic cleaner, and soap bars. For several months now, I’ve been using them on myself and recently started to diffuse in the house.

After trying several different brands, I found I like doTerra the best. I’m not getting paid way to say that by the way. I was a little worried about getting a proprietary oil since I’m very particular about smell and the first oil I decided on was Serenity. Among the blend is lavender, roman chamomile, and vanilla bean.

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I decided to buy the oils straight from doTerra since I read what seemed like too many comments on Amazon saying some of the oils seem fake.

I also go these glass roll on bottles along with fractionated coconut oil to mix in with the oil. It makes for a less messy application. The hummingbird was seeing me put this on my feet every night and now she loves to use it too. When in doubt about where to place essential oils, place it on the bottom of your feet, under your big toe. Feet have the largest pores so it sucks that oil right up.

After so long, I decided to try doTerra Balance and Breathe since I had the flu (using OnGuard is great too) and couldn’t stop coughing, plus asthma. I also finally got a diffuser.

The first diffuser I got works really well but it’s small and only last for 3 hours at the most. I realized that I need to spend more money for one that will last through the night. So, I just got this one that I’m very happy with and it lasts several hours. I’ve already put the smaller diffuser in the hummingbird’s room, which she really likes.

The only issue I had with the new diffuser, which was my own fault, is that I didn’t put the lid on very well so water sloshed all over the place.

I’ve been very pleased with the smells of the oils I’ve gotten so far. I have the nose of a dog and can gag at perfume smells especially if it’s to overpowering but I haven’t had that problem with these oils. It can take a few tries to get used to the smell though.

During the day, I diffuse Balance, which has spruce, blue tansy, and frankincense. It promotes calmness and tranquility.

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At night, I alternate with Breathe, which has lemon, peppermint, and cardamom, and Serenity.

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Because of my anxiety and insomnia, I feel like some of the oils I’ve been using have helped to lessen the effects of all my nighttime worry, stress, and panic I have once I hit the bed.

There are several more doTerra oils I want to try out but because of the expense, I’m trying not to go crazy. I’m still on an anti-depressant but it’s nice to incorporate something more natural to help with my anxious feelings.

Something else I started using since the winters are so tough here and I have SAD during this season is an energy light lamp. I wish I had gotten one sooner. I finally decided on Lightphoria which is pricey but I wanted to get something that wasn’t going to break within a week.

So, while essential oils and light therapy doesn’t miraculously cure you overnight and I still have my bad days, I’m finding that it has been helping to make things a little less overwhelming.

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