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Essential Oil Junkie

A few years ago, I became a major tea freak and went crazy for everything Teavana. This time around it’s essential oils. I’ve used them for years in the skin care products I make, in my favorite non-toxic cleaner, and soap bars. For several months now, I’ve been using them on myself and recently started to diffuse in the house.

After trying several different brands, I found I like doTerra the best. I’m not getting paid way to say that by the way. I was a little worried about getting a proprietary oil since I’m very particular about smell and the first oil I decided on was Serenity. Among the blend is lavender, roman chamomile, and vanilla bean.

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I decided to buy the oils straight from doTerra since I read what seemed like too many comments on Amazon saying some of the oils seem fake.

I also go these glass roll on bottles along with fractionated coconut oil to mix in with the oil. It makes for a less messy application. The hummingbird was seeing me put this on my feet every night and now she loves to use it too. When in doubt about where to place essential oils, place it on the bottom of your feet, under your big toe. Feet have the largest pores so it sucks that oil right up.

After so long, I decided to try doTerra Balance and Breathe since I had the flu (using OnGuard is great too) and couldn’t stop coughing, plus asthma. I also finally got a diffuser.

The first diffuser I got works really well but it’s small and only last for 3 hours at the most. I realized that I need to spend more money for one that will last through the night. So, I just got this one that I’m very happy with and it lasts several hours. I’ve already put the smaller diffuser in the hummingbird’s room, which she really likes.

The only issue I had with the new diffuser, which was my own fault, is that I didn’t put the lid on very well so water sloshed all over the place.

I’ve been very pleased with the smells of the oils I’ve gotten so far. I have the nose of a dog and can gag at perfume smells especially if it’s to overpowering but I haven’t had that problem with these oils. It can take a few tries to get used to the smell though.

During the day, I diffuse Balance, which has spruce, blue tansy, and frankincense. It promotes calmness and tranquility.

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At night, I alternate with Breathe, which has lemon, peppermint, and cardamom, and Serenity.

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Because of my anxiety and insomnia, I feel like some of the oils I’ve been using have helped to lessen the effects of all my nighttime worry, stress, and panic I have once I hit the bed.

There are several more doTerra oils I want to try out but because of the expense, I’m trying not to go crazy. I’m still on an anti-depressant but it’s nice to incorporate something more natural to help with my anxious feelings.

Something else I started using since the winters are so tough here and I have SAD during this season is an energy light lamp. I wish I had gotten one sooner. I finally decided on Lightphoria which is pricey but I wanted to get something that wasn’t going to break within a week.

So, while essential oils and light therapy doesn’t miraculously cure you overnight and I still have my bad days, I’m finding that it has been helping to make things a little less overwhelming.

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Kids Have No Filter

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Kids love to tell the truth, the more brutal, the better. Kids will most certainly keep your ego in check… and possibly embarrass the hell out of you.

After putting my daughter to bed…

5 yo: Will you tell me if you’re going downstairs?

Me: I always do. You know, you don’t need to tell me that every night.

5 yo: I know. But you’re old and might forget.

~~~~~

When I made spinach and goat cheese quiche last week.

Her: Mom… this really doesn’t look good.

Her: And it smells like cat puke.

~~~~~

Standing in line at Target.

Her: Mom, that lady looks like a grandma (the next lane over).

Me: She does.

Her: Is she the grandma you called an asshole for driving so slow?

Me: Well, umm, she might be.

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Marriage Before Kids Vs. Marriage After

Sex

Before – Having sex anywhere you please and for as long as you want.

After – Lying in bed together late at night, getting frisky, and then a few minutes later, hear the slightest noise and scramble to put your clothes back on when it just ended up being one of your cats getting into mischief.

The next morning while our young daughter is watching her favorite cartoons, run into the bathroom together, lock the door, and have a quickie. But our daughter always seems to have the spidey sense to figure out we’re missing and starts banging on the door, asking us why it’s locked. “Um, uh, your dad and I had something we needed to talk about really quick.” Or “Oh, was the door locked? I’m not sure how that happened.”

Showers

Before – Taking a shower and having my husband walk into the bathroom to join me.

After – Taking a shower and having my husband walk into the bathroom while I start thinking “Oooh, nice. We haven’t done this in a while.” Only to have him end up digging through the cabinets to find a princess band-aid for our kid’s boo boo. Also, having my husband and I actually say boo boo.

Romantic Nights In

Before – Cuddling on the couch, sipping some wine, and watching a movie.

After – Watching the same episode of Daniel Tiger for the 50th fucking time.

Talking About Our Day

Before – Having all the time in the world to discuss matters.

After – Trying to talk to each other while your kid says Mom? Mom? Mom? Dad? Mom? Mom?

Or talking as fast as an auctioneer when your kid leaves the room and trying to get in a week’s worth of talking within a few minutes.

Or filing it in your brain under “we can wait and talk about this without interruption once our child has moved out of the house”.

Going Out To Dinner

Before – Going to a sushi place and getting tipsy on sake.

After – Going to the “fancy” McDonald’s with a playground.

 Car Trips

Before – Listening to whatever you want, getting flirty and handsy with your husband, and being able to talk for hours.

After – Listening to your child start asking “are we there yet?” within 2 minutes of leaving for your destination because holy hell, they really do ask that and it’s not just something you see kids do in movies and get stuck hearing a Kidz Bop cd over and over while you try with all of your might to keep yourself from opening the car door and jumping out of a moving vehicle so you can escape the most annoying music you’ve ever heard.

What are some things you miss doing in your relationship after having kids? Also, can we start a petition to ban all Kidz Bop music for the sanity of all future parents?

*Sergei Polunin

** I got the hummingbird a Kidz Bop Christmas cd a few months ago and it was kinda cute the first time we heard it but by the time we got home, I wanted to rip my face off.

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How To Shave Your Legs When You’re A Mom

Some of my shower mates that are never this neatly arranged.

Some of my shower mates that are never this neatly arranged.

Step 1: Make sure to put a load of laundry in the washer first. That way, while in the shower, the water pressure and temperature will make for a totally unpredictable and fun showering experience.

Step 2: Less than a minute after you’ve stepped into the shower, your child barges into the bathroom to let you know they are bored.

Step 3: Tell them to give you 5 minutes and you’ll be right out.

Step 4: They answer back with “How long is 5 minutes, mom?”

Step 5: While washing your hair like your arms are on speed, reply with “It’s about the same amount of time that it takes you to use the bathroom, wash your hands, and brush your hair.”

Step 6: Finally alone again, while blinded by shampoo dripping down your face, you step on something hard.

Step 7: When you can see again, you realize what you stepped on is a little, plastic Cinderella. The Cinderella you bought for your 5 year-old at Target because they have them perfectly placed by the check out, on the lowest shelf for little eyes to spot.

Step 8: Pick up the overpriced, plastic Cinderella and try to find a spot to place it on the tub which is crowded with an assortment of several bath toys even though you have a toy mesh bag to hold said toys.

Step 9: Your child comes into the bathroom again, whining that they are SO HUNGRY and need a snack right now. They emphasize this with a few foot stomps.

Step 10: Tell them you’ll be just a few more minutes but if they need a snack right this instant, there is a box of crackers on the kitchen counter.

Step 11: Grab your razor from the shower rack hanging on the shower head. Have the shower rack slide down and almost hit you in the face while you have a mini heart attack.

Step 12: Curse your husband under your breath because you asked him a year ago to fix the shower rack so it doesn’t fall down every single time you shower.

Step 13: Try to find a place to put your foot up on the tub so you can quickly shave your legs.

Step 14: Have your child come in again and let you know they don’t like the crackers that are on the counter and they want sliced apples and peanut butter instead.

Step 15: Tell them that you’ll be just a few more minutes.

Step 16: They tell you it’s already been a few minutes.

Step 17: “Sweetie, I would have been done by now if you would just let mommy hurry up and finish”. This is one of those times where using “sweetie” translates to “Holy fucking hell, kid. My precious child, you’re being a pain in my ass”.

Step 18: Alone again, you can’t find a place to put your foot onto the tub because it’s covered in bath toys but you do find a little spot where you can put a tiny bit of your big toe on. Good enough.

Step 19: Try to balance yourself while putting shaving cream on your legs and holding a sharp razor.

Step 20: Do the “baby deer walking on ice” wobble while trying to maintain your balance when shaving.

Step 21: Have your child come in and say in the sweetest voice “Mommy?” You yell out “WHAT?” 5 year-old: “I made you this.” You can’t see what it is but quickly say “Okay, thanks, be out in a minute!”

Step 22: Wait… did I shave my armpits?

Step 23: Where did I set down the shaving cream?

Step 24: While turning around in the shower to find the shaving cream, step on something squishy and have another mini heart attack. It’s a blue octopus that squirts water out of its mouth.

Step 25: Yay, you’re done shaving.

Step 26: Get out of the shower and find that your child made you a picture of a heart that says “I love you, mom.”

Step 27: Feel ALL the feels, especially the guilt of getting annoyed with your kid because you just wanted a few minutes to shave your legs since you could actually feel the hair on your legs blow around while walking and you could not wait another day to shave but then your child made it nearly impossible to do it and now you feel like shit for raising your voice at them because they made you such a sweet picture and why in the hell don’t they ever bother their father like this when HE is taking a shower?!

Step 28: Go find your child, give them a big hug and kiss, and thank them for the picture they drew for you.

Step 29: Back in the bathroom, get out the lotion to moisturize you newly shaved legs.

Step 30: Find a patch of hair that was never touched by your razor, probably for a good month, on the back of your left leg.

Step 31: Fuck.

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Just Eat Your Damn Dinner

a0721fa704838a78d19b5dcd5f443007My daughter is a tiny girl with a little appetite. Every once in a while she’ll chow down but it’s not often. She always, always, always has some reason why she won’t eat (as do many kids) and it drives me mad. She’ll come home from Kindergarten, say she’s STARVING, and will take just a few bites of her snack before she says she can’t eat another bite.

Then, an hour before dinner, I usually hear: Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry. Well, you should have eaten your snack. But, I wasn’t that hungry then. It will be dinner soon. You’ll have to wait until then. But mooom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry.

Finally, dinner will come and again, she’ll use every excuse in the book to not eat. The hummingbird is currently in a phase where every little scratch or bump is a major medical emergency so she’s been using those reasons a lot. There are many times when I want to scream JUST EAT!

I kind of feel like a hostage negotiator.

Me: Eat three more bites.

Hummingbird: How about one?

Me: No, three and then you can have a little treat.

Hummingbird: Can I still have a treat if I eat two more bites?

Me: No.

Hummingbird: But my tummy’s full.

Me: Then I guess you don’t have any room in there for a treat.

Hummingbird: How about one big bite?

Me: No. How about if you just take two more bites?

Hummingbird: But I just took a bite. Does that count?

Me: No. Two more bites.

Hummingbird: But then that will be three bites because I just had one.

Me: *Head Explodes*

Reasons My Kid Won’t Eat

10. I’ve got a scratch on my pinky and need a band-aid. Now, it hurts too much to pick up my fork.

9. I’m too tired.

8. I banged my foot on the stairs and broke my ankle.

7. My tummy’s tired.

6. I poked my finger in my eye and need ice.

5. Do you want a hot dog for dinner? Yes! Are you sure? Yes! Will you eat it? Yes! Sets her plate down. I don’t want a hot dog anymore. My tummy changed its mind.

4. I can’t eat because my leg hurts when I bend it. I think I broke my knee. Well, then don’t bend your leg. But I need a band-aid to make it feel better.

3. I didn’t want that plate.

2. I’m too cold to eat. Go put on a jacket. *Runs upstairs and comes back down a few minutes later in a whole new outfit… minus the jacket.* I’m still cold. Yes, because you forgot your jacket. Oh. *Puts on jacket.* Now I’m too hot.

1. I hurt the blood vessels in my foot.

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Princess Rap Battle

Having a 5 year-old daughter who loves anything to do with princesses can be trying at times. I mean, just how many tiaras and sparkly princess shit does a girl need? Apparently, lots.

But spoofs like this help cancel out all of the times I’ve had to hear Let It Go. Well, that and wine.

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When You Go Out Of Your Way To Make A Nice Meal For Your Family And They Kind Of End Up Being A**holes About It.

1350591749695_7822193*I’m still sick and I have to say, I am the biggest pussy ever when it comes to having a cold. It definitely makes you see just how good you have it when you’re healthy.

Last week, when I was in my “pre-sick” stage, I wanted to make a nice dinner for my husband and the little hummingbird. It’s also the day that I made the incredibly orgasmic mini salted caramel apple pies.

Even though we’re a family of 3, it’s such a pain in the ass to get everyone on the same page when it comes to agreeing on what to make for a meal. Okay, actually I need to take that back. My husband will eat anything. Even some of the most horrible, OMG, what the fuck went wrong meals I’ve made over the years.

It’s my 5 year-old daughter who is picky, picky, picky.

Here’s where I have to say I for the most part ate pretty much everything my mom made. She was a single mom for many years and we had several meals of those cheap pot pies. She did the best that she could to feed us so I absolutely appreciate her efforts.

Come to think of it, I was probably more of a whiny little kid when it came to the food we had but I did my best to eat what she was able to afford.

Anyway, as a parent, there is probably at least one time, if not more, where you make a nice dinner for your family and go out of your way to cover all of the different tastes for them. It’s a pain in the ass but damn it, you want everyone to sit down, have a nice dinner, and not bitch and complain.

This particular night did not go as planned. Of course it didn’t. Fuckity fuck!

It may not seem like a fabulous dinner but I made buffalo macaroni and cheese. The perfect comfort food. So delicious and kid friendly. I even made a special casserole dish of it for the hummingbird.

I was running an hour behind though and everyone was bitchy by the time I was able to serve it up.

I was also bitchy and a total asshole to my husband because while preparing this meal, I realized that while I went to the store earlier, I forgot to get half and half. Fuck!

Then I flipped the hell out and sent my poor husband to the quick mart down the road. He was trying to be helpful and offer alternatives but I was all like NO! I FUCKING NEED THIS FUCKING HALF AND HALF, FUCKING FUCK!

Not one of my proudest moments… obviously.

I finally get this dinner in order and on the table. But did my family appreciate it? Hell no!

My hubby chowed down without breathing because he was so damn hungry and my daughter whined and said she didn’t like it. She wanted me to make Kraft mac n’ cheese instead.

And I had to get up multiple times for my daughter. “Can you please get me a napkin, mom? I wanted juice instead. I dropped my fork, can you get another one? My food is cold now, can you microwave it? Now my food is too hot and I can’t eat it. I don’t like this. Can I have something else?”

OMG! Really, people? REALLY?!

So, I sat there and cried. I totally lost it and cried while thinking fuck this shit.

I sat on the couch and cursed my family under my breath while my husband and daughter happily played together after dinner.

But then, I kinda sorta pulled it together and we had those delicious apple pies for dessert.

And all was finally good again.

Because mmmm, pie!

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