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Monster-in-laws are back.

By on March 9, 2012 in family, hold me, holy hell, in-laws, mother-in-law, really?!

*It’s that time of the month (no not that time) for crazy mother-in-law/in-law posts. Remember, if you’d like to vent about your in-laws and of course be anonymous, email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com. I’m making it a monthly thing so the next posting will be around April 5th.

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From “My mother-in-law makes me really stabby”

I’ve heard my gal friends say that they have the best MIL’s and oh-how-would-they-live-without. BLAH/GAG. I thought my MIL was great until I got pregnant and she bought me wine glasses. Because mine were “red wine glasses” and I needed “white wine glasses”. I would have been happy with a onesie or some brownies OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT DIDN’T INVOLVE DRINKING. I should’ve asked for a new bong too.

My DH thinks I blow her actions and comments out of proportion but you be the judge:

1. My MIL literally fought with me over when my anniversary was. It falls exactly 1 year after our son was born. To the date. Pretty sure when son turn 2 then it’s not our second anniversary. Because I sure would’ve loved to give birth AND get married in the same bed.

2. When son turned 3, we had a birthday party and MIL greeted MY friends at the door saying “hi, I’m T’s grandma.” Problem? The birthday party was for D, not my stepson T. That’s normal to forget whose birthday it was. Just like when DH bought flowers that day and MIL thought they were the 3 year old. AGAIN, it’s our fricking anniversary you dumbass.

3. MIL & FIL cannot visit together because we told them not to bring their gigantic dogs to our house(the hair, the constant attention to these animals). They apparently cannot find anyone to watch the dogs for a weekend and kenneling the dogs is “inhumane”.  Did you give BIRTH to the stupid dogs?

4. Pretty sure when I have grandkids and visit for 2 days, then I will be reading books to those kids and giving baths and bringing toys and generally being very happy to play with my latest bloodline. My MIL never offers any of that and when I ask her if she’d like to, her response is “well, I’ve got my wine glass so…” WHY ARE YOU HERE THEN?! Oh right for your son (see #5).

5. I only have boys so I get that moms and sons are close. But I would NEVER call my son, my “soul mate”.  SOUL MATE, didja hear that? MY MIL does on numerous occasions. She obviously doesn’t know the definition or is secretly in love with her son. Either way, it’s ridiculous.

6. She sleeps on the living room couch and bitches the kids wake her up at 7am. Sleep in the downstairs guest room then. Not MY fault you drank an entire bottle of wine and have to pee every 10 minutes.

I’m just going to end my little guest blog there-I suggest to anyone who thinks “no way is my MIL ever going to be that bad” then have a backup plan to move far away, marry an orphaned man, or buy untraceable poisons because guess what beotches, all MIL’s eventually kinda suck. Hehe. Married life is just fantastic with in-laws. I think that maybe why we all used to live until 50 so the in-laws were pretty much outta the picture before they could piss us off too much. Damn the new lifespan.

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From “Monet”

When my husband and I first got together, his mother was living with his sister and her family. Mind you, her family lives within spitting distance of my parents house. The house next door to my parents house came available to rent, and since my grandfather owns the house, I talked him into letting the in-laws rent the house from them. All worked out well until the in-laws decided not to pay rent for six months, and ended up getting kicked out of the house, so now my in-laws owe my grandfather $3,000 worth of back rent.

Now I can’t even invite both sides of the family to our son’s birthday parties because of how much tension there is. They see no need to pay it off because “technically” everyone’s family. Now every time I hear MIL commenting that she’s going to save up the money for whatever, all I can think is, “You can save up the money for something you don’t need, but you can’t save up the money to make the tension between the two families go away?” After they were evicted from my grandparents house, MIL had the nerve to list me as a reference for the house they are currently living in. I mean really now?

After I begged for my grandfather to let you live there, and you go and shit on both of us like that, I’m going to lie to a lady I’ve known all my life and tell her that you all are great renters. I think not. Not only do they owe my grandfather back rent for a house they haven’t lived in two years, they are also on the shit list with their children. My husband and I added his parents to our cell phone carrier when their phones got disconnected, with the expectation that they would pay half of our cell phone bill every month. They haven’t paid us a dime since August of 2009.

Their car insurance is under my husbands brother’s insurance policy, which is deducted straight from his paycheck where he works his first job. They were also supposed to be paying them, and since they haven’t, BIL had to go and get a second job to take care of his family. The SIL brings them groceries from time to time and any time they need anything done at the house they’re currently living in, they call her to attend to things. What I don’t understand is how in the hell if they both work two full time job, and one gets loads of overtime, how in the hell can they not afford to live on their own?

MIL on her own makes you feel like an idiot when you talk to her, making snide comments about anything and everyone she sees. What I love most about MIL is that she doesn’t listen to anything I tell her. MIL was looking for a vet to take her animals to, and I told her what vet my family had been using for years. Does she go to the one I recommend? Oh, no. She goes to the most expensive vet in the county, and then proceeds to complain about the bill.

MIL also needed to register her vehicle, and I had informed her that personalized plates would cost more on a yearly basis. She gets personalized plates and tells me that it’s not going to cost her more money, but down the road it sure does. Previously when she renewed her tags, she had to borrow money from BIL and once again put personalized tags on her vehicle.

Anytime I try to tell her something to save her some money, because Lord knows they never seem to have enough money, she doesn’t listen, she goes and does what she wants. Hello, I’ve lived in our county my whole life, and her only for 5 years or so. I think I know where the best place to go for the best rate is.

Sister in law is a nightmare. I cannot stand that hateful bitch. I swear if she had the money to go to the doctor, he would diagnose her with bipolar disorder! One minute, she’s your best friend, and the next, she’s wanting to rip your head off and bury you in her back yard. All I had ever known about her from even before my husband and I were together was that she was a bitch and she would back stab you the first chance she got. I’m pretty sure it was her who left my husband and I nice little messages the night before we got married, trying to tell me that I was all wrong for him, and I was going to ruin his life if we got married.

She told him that I was herpes infested (which I most definitely am not, I’ve got the blood test to prove it) and marrying me was going to be the biggest mistake of his life. Needless to say she was not invited to the wedding, although I was going to send her an invite to be nice, but she flat out made it known that if she got an invitation, she wouldn’t show because she didn’t agree with two people who hadn’t had any real dating time getting married. HELLO! YOUR BROTHER IS IN THE ARMY AND STATIONED 600 MILES FROM ME!

We saw each other at least twice a month and talked on the phone every day, until he got deployed to Iraq, in which I remained faithful and supported him the whole time. I managed his finances and took care of everything I needed to as if we were already married, but I guess that wasn’t good enough for her.

She has two children. The oldest was a surprise from a previous fling, the youngest from her husband. Oldest, God bless her heart, is the most shell of a person you have ever seen. Hubby and I have discussed ways to get custody of Oldest to save her from her life of hell but without any physical signs of beatings or things of that nature, no luck. They don’t beat her physically, but emotionally. That poor girl has no self esteem because her parents spend all day berating her for whatever reasons, and Youngest could commit a triple homicide and SIL would just look the other way.

Youngest has the sassiest mouth on the face of the Earth, telling his grandfather to shut up and that he doesn’t have to listen to him, and SIL just sits there and lets him get away with it. Long before I ever decided to have children with my husband, I made this nice long list of “Things My Children Will Never Do” and you can trust and believe that everything on that list came from things I’ve seen Youngest do. SIL also threatens divorce from her husband on a weekly basis, but the second anyone in the family tries to say anything remotely negative, she will defend him to the death.

BIL isn’t as terrible as the rest of them. Recently I learned that he had been lying about previously being enlisted in the Army. Hubby has been in the Army for 5 years, been deployed to Iraq twice, and is going to Afghanistan within the next two months. He’s risked his life twice already and BIL wants to claim he’s in the Army.

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I got along so well with my mother-in-law this past visit and we even got matching outfits and held hands while skipping down the sidewalk. *snort*

By on February 17, 2012 in anxiety, blah blah blah, depression, family, hold me, in-laws, marriage, mother-in-law, my brain is melting, the little hummingbird

*This is a really whiny & ranty post. If you’re lucky and have a nice mother-in-law I just have one question. Can we trade?

This last visit with the in-laws was one of the worst I’ve had with them. By Thursday night I just wanted to leave and go to the fancy schmancy hotel down the street and have a spa weekend. These are just a few of the highlights.

I usually wonder what I did to make my MIL act the way she does towards me but my therapist said that it wouldn’t have mattered who my hubby married, my mother-in-law would have probably been like this with anyone else. My mother-in-law absolutely undermines every little tiny thing I say and do when she’s visiting. That pisses me off since it’s my house but as soon as she visits, she takes it over and my hubby never wants to say anything.

I was talking to her about the hummingbird starting preschool really soon and the MIL asked me how she thinks the hummingbird will do. I told her I think she’ll be fine, it will be me who cries and takes a few hundred photos of her going to school. I’ve joked that I’m going to throw a party and it will be so nice to watch what I want and even bathe before bed once she starts preschool but I know I’m going to miss her like crazy.

It’s like when I’m dying for some free time so my hubby will take the hummingbird out but once she’s gone, I don’t have any idea what to do with myself.

When I told my MIL that it will probably take a bit of time to get used to my baby being in preschool and not cry, my mother-in-law said No, you won’t.

Sometimes I end up falling into her trap so I told her that it’s hard because even though I trust the school and it’s teachers, I won’t be there to protect the hummingbird. I was starting to see red so I don’t remember exactly what she said but she basically told me that I was an idiot and it’s not normal to be emotional when your kid starts school for the first time.

I told her that even if she thinks it’s not normal, I’m still going to worry because that’s just how I am and she said No, you won’t I should put that on a t-shirt. Really? That’s when the conversation went downhill fast.

After that I went upstairs to the bedroom and hid which is what I mostly did the rest of the week.

As far as my blog is concerned, my in-laws are just under the impression that I write occasionally for blogs but they don’t know I have my own. I had to think of something fast last year when I slipped and said I was writing for a blog. One of the last times they were visiting we were watching the movie Julie & Julia in which Julie cooks her way through Julia’s cookbook and blogs about it.

I don’t know everything there is to know about blogging but my father-in-law quickly became the expert on blogs and basically talked out of his ass for about 15 minutes. It took all I had to not say anything because he was saying things like you can make a lot of money really fast if you blog. Uhhmm, okay. I guess my money for blogging has gotten lost in the mail. Ha!

Even though I try not to say much when they’re here because my MIL always twists things, I could probably sneeze and she would tell me I didn’t do it right. It was so hard to tell the hummingbird to give her grandmother a hug and kiss when she would go to bed because my MIL would be treating me like shit.

Because they love to talk about things that make it impossible to add to the conversation, I would disappear for a while.

On Saturday night when I decided to brave the downstairs, I grudgingly went into the living room. In just a few minutes time they went into this deep discussion about the wind energy in the Netherlands. ?????? I don’t even know anything about the wind energy in the U.S. so I just sat there for about an hour while trying not to fall asleep and forcing myself to be quiet and not yell shut the f*ck up!

I made a huge mistake by making the suggestion of watching Crazy. Stupid. Love. Luckily I’ve seen this movie 100′s of times a few times but my in-laws sit there and always have something to say about the movie. They even get into long discussions so they miss most of the movies we watch.

My hubby and I had to explain things that would have been answered if they would just pay attention to the movie. I would end up not being able to see Ryan Gosling’s hotness, which should be a punishable offense, when I have to answer questions like “who is that guy”, “why did they do that”, or ”this isn’t realistic” (they’ve said that with almost every movie I’ve seen with them. They don’t seem to understand the concept of movies).

One of the most oddest moments was when all of us minus the hubby (who was in the garage but I think he could’ve been hiding from his parents) were sitting on the couch and watching one of the hummingbird’s favorite cartoons, Peppa Pig. The hummingbird and I were making snorting sounds when they did it on the show and my FIL actually joined in.

That’s when my MIL flipped out and told all of us to be quiet because snorting like a pig is disgusting. She has 2 grown kids and 3 granchildren so I don’t know how it’s possible that making an animal noise is disgusting. I’ve been thrown up on and have cupped my hands to catch the rest of the puke and I’ve gotten poop under my fingernails when I’ve cleaned up a really messy diaper. That’s gross.

Snorting like a pig is a walk in the park.

 The last night my in-laws where here we had dinner at the house and the subject of teenagers and rebellion came up. All I said was I think most teenagers go through some type of rebellion at one point. The MIL said No, they don’t I need to put that on a t-shirt and I should have just been quiet but told her that I said most not all teens and they rebel in different ways.

My mother-in-law told me that was probably just me and my friends. That’s when my FIL cut in and said the hubby was a wonderful young man at that age. I was thinking uh huh, that’s what you think. My husband wasn’t that wild when he was younger but there were still things he did that his parents won’t ever know about.

They ended up having an early flight on Monday thank gawd! so I only had to deal with them for 4 days instead of 5 like I thought but I’m still recovering from their visit.

The hummingbird’s 3rd birthday is in less that two months but they didn’t say anything about coming to visit again so soon. I’m hoping I’m in the clear and can enjoy her birthday.

**I’m going to be really busy this coming week and if you’d like to write a guest post, whether you have a blog or not, then drop me an email at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com. The post can be about anything you want but I currently don’t accept sponsored posts.

Comments { 8 }

When mother-in-laws attack.

By on February 10, 2012 in holy hell, in-laws, marriage, mother-in-law

*If there’s enough interest, I’ve decided I’ll make mother-in-law/in-law week a monthly thing.

I meant to post this earlier but my laptop is back in the computer shop being repaired and I was hiding from my in-laws this morning. I didn’t want to chance having to see them when I sneaked off to use the computer in the office so I waited until they went outside.

Yes, I’m a total wuss.

Here’s Penny protecting me while I write this. She’s such a barracuda!

 

She totally has my back.

At the beginning of the week I asked if anyone had any mother-in-law/in-law stories to tell and here they are. Just a word of warning, I don’t censor anyone’s writing so there will be strong language.

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From Truth Mama

My husband’s mom is every bad stereotype about mother-in-laws (MILs) on steroids. This last weekend she was in extra rare form and it inspired me to compile a list of things MILs do that drive us crazy. Here are some of my favorites:

Laying on Guilt Trips – Yes, I know you really want me to come to your cabin that is four and-a-half hours away when we don’t have any vacation to use, but constantly reminding us about how we never do and falsely labeling things as reunions makes us want to come even less.

Undermining Our Parenting – Never, ever, ever ask our kids if they want to do something that we have already told you they can’t do in hopes of getting them so excited that we won’t want to say no. Guess what? We will still say no and then everyone is miserable and we will think twice about coming to visit you next time.

Trying to Control Us - Just because we let you pay for our plane ticket home when we were a poor military family, doesn’t mean I can’t visit my side of the family too. A few years ago we did this, spent one week with my MIL and one week with my family, then heard after the fact (and indirectly of course) that my MIL was mad because she paid for our tickets and we “didn’t even spend any time with her”.

Meddling - While my husband and I were temporarily stationed in California (for only four weeks mind you) before having to go right back to Virginia, I got a random call from my Auto insurance company “Um, your mom called. Did you guys move?”. Not OK.

Bad-Mouthing – My MIL actually wrote in a letter to one of OUR friends that she had met only once that she didn’t know why my husband was letting me get a cat because I “can’t even keep the house clean”. She also said when I was pregnant with my daughter that I was getting fat and my husband was going to leave me. Nice.

Manipulating – This last weekend we headed south for our nephew’s baptism and told my MIL we would spend the night at her house. When my father-in-law (divorced from my MIL) offered to pay for a hotel with a pool that his stepson (who also has small children) would be staying at, we happily accepted. In fact, it didn’t even cross our minds as being a big deal. My MIL got so mad that she uninvited us to breakfast on Saturday morning and almost didn’t go to the baptism. Crazy town.

***Make sure to check out Truth Mama’s site because she’s awesome.

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From Luna

My FIL is the pickiest eater on the planet. And then some. He makes autistic two-year olds look like they’ve got sophisticated palates. So I make everything plain for him. This isn’t good enough. I’ve singled him out by making two dishes, which will not do, so he lies down on the couch and pretends to sleep. There are 5 seats in my living room. 3 of them are the couch. When there are 7 people in the house, I just want to boot him in the head when he does this.

MIL can’t cook well. As in, she picked up a piece of ginger in my kitchen and asked me if it was garlic. But she has NO problem telling me what I’m doing wrong and how to do it properly. She thinks I’m kidding when I tell her to go sit down.

My in-laws REFUSE to talk about Autism. Now, all three of my kids have it, so it’s a pretty big part of our lives. The day my youngest was dx’d, they were in town, and looked after the middle one. When we came home from the big event, they didn’t ask a single question. We didn’t say anything until the next morning when my husband finally had to say something and told his Mom that Pop was dx’d with Autism. MIL said, “You mean, he has autistic tendencies.” He said, “No. He has AUTISM.” She gave him a look and shook her head and said, “Mmm”. MMM? That’s all she’s ever said with regard to anything we say about the boys and their autism. Mmm. FIL has said, “Oh, they’ll be fine. I don’t know what you’re worked up about.” Crackle is 6. He doesn’t talk. He needs 4 baths a day to keep his body from overloading. But he’ll be fine. Dr. FIL says so.

My SIL has said that she thinks someone she knows has Munchausen’s by Proxy. I’m virtually certain she was talking about me. She’s not welcome in my house any more.

Before we were married, but our baby as 2 months old, and I was in hospital for something the doctors couldn’t explain, my in-laws told my husband he could still back out of the marriage, that my mom had told him I have a history of mental illness (Mom said no such thing), and that he shouldn’t let the baby tie him to me. They had a pool on how long we’d last. We’ve been married 16.5 years now. I’ve forgiven them for this. They were worried about their baby, their firstborn. And we were VERY young (20). But it coloured our relationship for a lot of years.

So, now I have the queen of passive-aggression and the grumpy baby. They only visit once a year, and they missed last year because of sick parents of their own. So I shouldn’t complain too much. But when they come, I go into panic mode.

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From Never Forget

Let me start by saying that I act nice to my MIL. But I will never forget what a crazy fucking bitch she really is. I appreciate this week as a time for me to really viciously hate her. Next week I will tolerate her. And when she gets old and shits herself all the time and can’t speak I will resist whispering “I’ve hated you since you tried to break up my marriage” in her ear. And, like a good daughter in law, I’ll throw a few bucks into the ring to have someone else change her diapers.

My husband lost his shit the first time he was deployed to Iraq. He wasn’t all that emotionally stable to begin with, and add into that nearly being killed several times per day, it was a recipe for disaster.  His solution was to blame every problem he had in his life on me. He would call me and yell at me for hating him and tell me what a shitty mother I was to our toddler. It was a true mindfuck.

After he called me and said he wanted a divorce, I called my MIL to tell her that something seriously messed up was going on. Her response (brace yourself) was: “I don’t think he wants to leave you with nothing. I’m sure he will let you share custody.” Just like that. He had been calling her and telling her what a lousy, unsupportive disappointment I was. And she had been agreeing and encouraging his request for a divorce. Fucking bitch.

Soooo….things worked out with my husband (much to her chagrin), he’s all medicated and stable now (well, as much as anyone can be).

After that phone call I didn’t speak to my MIL for over a year. After about a year, I let my husband take our daughter to see her grandparents. After 2 years, I joined my family in visiting the devil’s spawn. I acted reasonably nice, but will never, ever trust that bitch again. She has never mentioned “the incident” and I will never bring it up. I will just forever play nice and allow myself to occasionally seethe under the surface, and during MIL week from now on, I will FUCKING HATE THAT CRAZY BITCH!!

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I think for the rest of the day we should just drink margaritas and eat chocolate and celebrate surviving our MIL’s. If you happen to be at work and get tipsy, just tell your boss that some chick on the internet said it was okay. I’m sure they’d understand then.  :^)

Comments { 7 }

I got so sick of watching Elmo’s potty time dvd that I actually begged my daughter to watch Caillou. It wasn’t my proudest moment.

By on February 8, 2012 in mother-in-law, movies, music, videos

It’s blended time…

Not only am I watching Caillou, the little hummingbird has a keyboard that’s in the shape of a cat and she keeps on pushing the button to make it “sing”. It seems like the company didn’t think of getting a “singer” until the last minute because it sounds like they paid some random person off the street $50 bucks to sing a few cat songs.

Anyway…

I’ve been putting myself through an emotional bootcamp so I’ll hopefully be prepared for my mother-in-law for the next five days starting tomorrow. I have no idea why I make such a big deal about them visiting, I mean people have their in-laws visit all the time but in therapy yesterday, I blurted something out that I wasn’t even expecting.

Obviously my in-laws make me crazy but it wasn’t until yesterday that I realized just how much I’m hurt by how my MIL is. I usually say whatever, no biggie when it comes to her attitude but I guess that’s not the case. Shit! I hate that I care.

I think I’m going to fake an illness like I usually do when they visit so I can hide from them as much as possible. I’m thinking of telling them I have Ebola. That might keep them away.

**If you missed the last post, I’ll be putting MIL posts up on Friday so whether you have a blog or not, if you want to write about your mother-in-law, email your post to elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

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The Super Fast Mommy On The Go Movie Review.

21 Grams with Naomi Watts, Sean Penn, and Benicio Del Toro. The movie is awesome and I have a girl crush on Naomi. There’s violence, sex scenes, and nudity; everything you could want in a movie. Seriously though, it’s a really great movie that has 3 story lines and they end up merging. Naomi Watts storyline is absolutely devasting but she is incredible in the movie. When my mom saw this, at the end she said well shit, that movie was really, really depressing.

I give this movie 8 out of 10 Ryan Goslings but I didn’t have time to make 8 so 1 will have to do.

UPDATED! I finally got the chance to make 8 Ryan Goslings during the hummingbird’s nap.

 

 

Pomplamoose – River Shiver

I played this video not that long ago but the song has been making me dance around the house today so I hope you enjoy. The video, not my dancing. My dancing sucks and I don’t have any rhythm. A raccoon probably dances better than me although it would be pretty odd to be walking in the woods and see a raccoon dancing. But I bet if you recorded it, the video would go viral. I think it’s time for my meds.

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