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Banging my head against a spike would be more fun.

By on March 29, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, buttmunch, crazazy, hold me, holy hell, hubby, life is funny, marriage, mommyhood, my brain is melting, the little hummingbird, would you like some cheese with your whine?

This is a totall recall post which is something I repost because I’m being too much of a lazy ass  because I like that I can look back and see what I was doing then. 

I wrote this when we were making the move from D.C. to Northern California in July 2010.  I would never want to do that move again unless we flew. Driving was awful, especially since the hummingbird could only tolerate being in her carseat for 5 or 6 hours which made the move much longer.

I could swear I’ve already used this as a total recall post so if I did, pretend you’ve never read it before. ;^)

 

Banging my head against a spike would be more fun

July 22, 2010

The hubby will be known as buttmunch for this post.

Cue the Law and Order music.

DUH DUH

The buttmunch and I were packing and trying to get everything together since we were going to a hotel that night. I had the little girl’s things packed and went to get my things together. I asked my buttmunch if he could go downstairs and get some toys for the little girl.

DUH DUH

Around 8pm that night we were on the way to the hotel and the buttmunch went back to the house to pack some more. Soon after, I put the little girl to bed. I called the buttmunch a few times to remind him what to bring back to the hotel.

DUH DUH

The next morning my buttmunch went back to the house since the movers were coming, so it was just me and my daughter. After breakfast I went over to a box that the buttmunch brought and looked through it for toys.

DUH DUH

There weren’t any there so I looked through a few bags. Not there. I looked through her bag, my bag, the buttmunch’s bag. Nada. I was starting to panic but before I went into freak out mode, I looked through EVERYTHING again. Nope.

DUH DUH

It was raining outside and there wasn’t anything for her to play with inside. The little girl just had a few books I had packed in her bag and normally she loves to “read” her books. She must have smelled the fear on me because when I would give her a book, she would throw it on the ground and give me a bitch, please look.

Then she started to run around the room and whine. It was her special whine. The kind that makes me feel like my head is going to explode any minute.

DUH DUH

I then called the buttmunch. When he answered I politely and in a very calm tone, and not at all yelling *coughnotcough*, told him that we didn’t have any toys at the hotel room. He couldn’t bring the toys by (and I didn’t have the car) since he was waiting for the movers and told me that I “had the stroller, so there was that“.

May I remind you that it was raining.

DUH DUH

Buttmunch.

DUH DUH

I found a pack of tic tacs that she grabbed at the store the day before. She wouldn’t let them go and chewed off most of the wrapper so they were ours for keeps. Those only amused her for a few minutes.

While the little girl was racing around the room, I sat on the couch dazed from the lack of caffeine. I contemplated dragging the both of us to the hotel lobby so I could get my hands on some coffee and the little girl could run around in a bigger space.

To get to the lobby we had to go outside and walk what seemed like a mile in the pouring rain, so I decided it was best to just stay in the room.

DUH DUH

While I was twitching around from my caffeine withdrawal and a whiny toddler, I found two plastic spoons. I thought “Yay, she loves spoons!” A few seconds after giving her one, she dropped it on the nasty hotel room carpet. The same carpet that turned her white socks black within a few hours.

So I threw it away and gave her the second spoon. Same thing. Finally, I just let her start throwing things out of our bags onto the nasty carpet. The carpet Dateline NBC says is covered in fecal matter, salmonella, and sperm. I guess there are a lot of chickens that stay at hotels and have booty sex.

While the little girl was going through the bags, she struck gold. She found a Ziploc bag full of tampons, the ones that come in bright colors. She was entranced with my bag o’ tampons. The little girl started roaming around the room with the bag, shaking it and holding it above her head.

This kept her occupied for about 10 minutes. While she was playing with her new toy, I was looking through the bags again, not for toys but for anything resembling caffeine. No such luck.

DUH DUH

After she got bored with the bag, I spent the next seven hours repeatedly singing the Elmo Duck Song, Elmo’s Song, and letting her play with my cell phone (which surprisingly still works). I also got quite a workout staying in a room that wasn’t child-proofed. Finally after one of the longest. days. ever, the buttmunch came back to the room.

DUH DUH

Hmmm, what’s that sound? Is it me saying no sex for a week? Well, that’s nothing new.

*We’re still not in California. It has taken us forever to drive across the country and as of this morning we are in New Mexico, about an hour from Arizona. I finally got my hands on a new laptop (thanks to my sweet hubby, the buttmunch).

Comments { 7 }

I got along so well with my mother-in-law this past visit and we even got matching outfits and held hands while skipping down the sidewalk. *snort*

By on February 17, 2012 in anxiety, blah blah blah, depression, family, hold me, in-laws, marriage, mother-in-law, my brain is melting, the little hummingbird

*This is a really whiny & ranty post. If you’re lucky and have a nice mother-in-law I just have one question. Can we trade?

This last visit with the in-laws was one of the worst I’ve had with them. By Thursday night I just wanted to leave and go to the fancy schmancy hotel down the street and have a spa weekend. These are just a few of the highlights.

I usually wonder what I did to make my MIL act the way she does towards me but my therapist said that it wouldn’t have mattered who my hubby married, my mother-in-law would have probably been like this with anyone else. My mother-in-law absolutely undermines every little tiny thing I say and do when she’s visiting. That pisses me off since it’s my house but as soon as she visits, she takes it over and my hubby never wants to say anything.

I was talking to her about the hummingbird starting preschool really soon and the MIL asked me how she thinks the hummingbird will do. I told her I think she’ll be fine, it will be me who cries and takes a few hundred photos of her going to school. I’ve joked that I’m going to throw a party and it will be so nice to watch what I want and even bathe before bed once she starts preschool but I know I’m going to miss her like crazy.

It’s like when I’m dying for some free time so my hubby will take the hummingbird out but once she’s gone, I don’t have any idea what to do with myself.

When I told my MIL that it will probably take a bit of time to get used to my baby being in preschool and not cry, my mother-in-law said No, you won’t.

Sometimes I end up falling into her trap so I told her that it’s hard because even though I trust the school and it’s teachers, I won’t be there to protect the hummingbird. I was starting to see red so I don’t remember exactly what she said but she basically told me that I was an idiot and it’s not normal to be emotional when your kid starts school for the first time.

I told her that even if she thinks it’s not normal, I’m still going to worry because that’s just how I am and she said No, you won’t I should put that on a t-shirt. Really? That’s when the conversation went downhill fast.

After that I went upstairs to the bedroom and hid which is what I mostly did the rest of the week.

As far as my blog is concerned, my in-laws are just under the impression that I write occasionally for blogs but they don’t know I have my own. I had to think of something fast last year when I slipped and said I was writing for a blog. One of the last times they were visiting we were watching the movie Julie & Julia in which Julie cooks her way through Julia’s cookbook and blogs about it.

I don’t know everything there is to know about blogging but my father-in-law quickly became the expert on blogs and basically talked out of his ass for about 15 minutes. It took all I had to not say anything because he was saying things like you can make a lot of money really fast if you blog. Uhhmm, okay. I guess my money for blogging has gotten lost in the mail. Ha!

Even though I try not to say much when they’re here because my MIL always twists things, I could probably sneeze and she would tell me I didn’t do it right. It was so hard to tell the hummingbird to give her grandmother a hug and kiss when she would go to bed because my MIL would be treating me like shit.

Because they love to talk about things that make it impossible to add to the conversation, I would disappear for a while.

On Saturday night when I decided to brave the downstairs, I grudgingly went into the living room. In just a few minutes time they went into this deep discussion about the wind energy in the Netherlands. ?????? I don’t even know anything about the wind energy in the U.S. so I just sat there for about an hour while trying not to fall asleep and forcing myself to be quiet and not yell shut the f*ck up!

I made a huge mistake by making the suggestion of watching Crazy. Stupid. Love. Luckily I’ve seen this movie 100′s of times a few times but my in-laws sit there and always have something to say about the movie. They even get into long discussions so they miss most of the movies we watch.

My hubby and I had to explain things that would have been answered if they would just pay attention to the movie. I would end up not being able to see Ryan Gosling’s hotness, which should be a punishable offense, when I have to answer questions like “who is that guy”, “why did they do that”, or ”this isn’t realistic” (they’ve said that with almost every movie I’ve seen with them. They don’t seem to understand the concept of movies).

One of the most oddest moments was when all of us minus the hubby (who was in the garage but I think he could’ve been hiding from his parents) were sitting on the couch and watching one of the hummingbird’s favorite cartoons, Peppa Pig. The hummingbird and I were making snorting sounds when they did it on the show and my FIL actually joined in.

That’s when my MIL flipped out and told all of us to be quiet because snorting like a pig is disgusting. She has 2 grown kids and 3 granchildren so I don’t know how it’s possible that making an animal noise is disgusting. I’ve been thrown up on and have cupped my hands to catch the rest of the puke and I’ve gotten poop under my fingernails when I’ve cleaned up a really messy diaper. That’s gross.

Snorting like a pig is a walk in the park.

 The last night my in-laws where here we had dinner at the house and the subject of teenagers and rebellion came up. All I said was I think most teenagers go through some type of rebellion at one point. The MIL said No, they don’t I need to put that on a t-shirt and I should have just been quiet but told her that I said most not all teens and they rebel in different ways.

My mother-in-law told me that was probably just me and my friends. That’s when my FIL cut in and said the hubby was a wonderful young man at that age. I was thinking uh huh, that’s what you think. My husband wasn’t that wild when he was younger but there were still things he did that his parents won’t ever know about.

They ended up having an early flight on Monday thank gawd! so I only had to deal with them for 4 days instead of 5 like I thought but I’m still recovering from their visit.

The hummingbird’s 3rd birthday is in less that two months but they didn’t say anything about coming to visit again so soon. I’m hoping I’m in the clear and can enjoy her birthday.

**I’m going to be really busy this coming week and if you’d like to write a guest post, whether you have a blog or not, then drop me an email at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com. The post can be about anything you want but I currently don’t accept sponsored posts.

Comments { 8 }

My in-laws are visiting this week so if you’re an inventor of an in-law repellant, kinda like how vampires can’t go into your house unless you invite them in, then let me know.

By on February 6, 2012 in i know i'm strange, in-laws, marriage, mother-in-law, my brain is melting, ugh!

Not only are my in-laws visiting at the end of this week, I invited them an extra day so they’ll have plenty of time with my hubby and the little hummingbird and they’ll be here for 5 freaking days.

I don’t remember what compelled me to invite them an extra day but I blame Miley Cyrus.

Whenever I hear her voice, I feel like I lose a few million brain cells so I probably saw her on the Kardashian channel E!, my brain cells went pop, and then I came up with the not so brilliant idea of having my in-laws here an extra 24 hours.

I’ve been talking about them in therapy for the last few sessions and just before my therapist jumped out of the window, she told me that it sounds like no matter what I do, it doesn’t seem like they’ll ever accept me.

I can totally understand that and live with it but even if my mother-in-law will never accept me, I figured she can at least be civil but she’s not.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to avoid my MIL as much as possible and while on Pinterest last night, it came to me. I can cook and be stuck in the safety of the kitchen as much as possible.

When I say “cook” I mean microwave. Although just on Friday I actually used my stove and made a jalapeno popper grilled cheese which was orgasmic, by the way.

I’ve been on the Pinterest food boards but I haven’t found anything yet. I need to find recipes that are easy peasy but will give me an excuse to hide in the kitchen for 5 days awhile.

We always watch a movie when they visit and then we have to sit there for 2 hours while they do an ongoing narrative of the film and tell us in what ways it isn’t realistic. I decided we could watch Crazy, Stupid, Love because if anything at least I can stare at Ryan Gosling and his abs.

Since my in-laws tend to never give us any breathing room, if I can’t escape them while I’m in the kitchen, I’ll just use my old standby and hide out in the bathroom, making them think I have some kind of gastrointestinal issue that causes me to be stuck in the bathroom for hours at a time.

Whatever the case, it’s going to be a really long 5 days.

Comments { 3 }

Car carts are evil and will make you smell like Axe body spray.

By on January 7, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, hold me, holy hell, hubby, mommyhood, my brain is melting, really?!, the little hummingbird, ugh!, would you like some cheese with your whine?

I love to shop but only when it’s from the comfort of my laptop. I can’t stand going to the grocery store or the mall.

It seems like when people go out shopping on the weekends, their douchey side comes blazing out. Exhibit A.

There’s also the matter of bringing the little hummingbird to the store. Yowza! At first she plays it cool but then halfway through the store, she’s over it. We take her out of the car cart that my husband always promises to push through the store but doesn’t and then he goes chasing after her up and down the aisles while I’m stuck pushing this ginormous thing.

Yep, there I am, alone, and pushing the damn thing all over the store like a loony. Excuse me… I look loonier than usual. It takes all I have to turn the cart around the aisles, trying not to kill anyone in my path.

It never fails that I’ll park the damn car cart out of the way where I think people won’t go and there’s always that one person that wants to grab something where that cart is put.

Then I tell them I’m so sorry and I’ll try to push and pull and move the cart but that’s when it decides it’s not going to move an inch and the wheels start scraping on the floor, making a horrendous noise. I can tell that the person waiting for me to move the cart starts getting annoyed since it’s taking me so long to move but do these people ever offer to help me move the cart that weighs more than I do? Nope.

Just when I get it moving along, my hubby seems to show up out of thin air.

Not long ago he put our 2-year-old back in the cart because she was really cranky and didn’t have her nap that day. He practically sprinted away, turning back and telling me he had to go get something that he forgot and there I was trying to push an out of control car cart with a pissed off toddler.

As our daughter was yelling out for her daaaaddy, I was thinking of ways to get him back. Withholding sex came to mind but we’ve been married for quite a while and he probably wouldn’t even notice.

That’s when I spotted it. Trial size bottles of Axe body spray. It stinks but more importantly it gives the man in your life a douche makeover, like Ed Hardy clothes. I grabbed a bottle and waited for my husband to come down the aisle so I could ambush him with it.

After what seemed like forever, I saw him walking towards us and I had the bottle behind my back, ready to spray him. As soon as he was close enough, I whipped the bottle from behind my back and sprayed him down. Well that was the desired scenario except I didn’t realize until it was too late that the spray nozel was pointed in my direction.

Adding insult to injury, he grabbed one of the travel sized bottles out of the plastic bin and sprayed me some more. There we were in aisle 8 having an Axe body spray standoff. Our daughter finally stopped whining and seemed to be pleading with her eyes for some stranger to get her away from her crazy parents.

We finally called a truce, walked to the check out lane, and there I was gagging the whole way. All that was missing was a trucker hat and my douche makeover would have been complete.

I blame this whole thing on those damn car carts. One of these days the earth is going to pass through a comet like in that 80′s movie Maximum Overdrive and these car carts are going to come to life and terrorize us more than they already do. Then we’re all going to get into Axe body spray fights so before that happens, I vote that we burn every last one of the car carts to save mankind from becoming a society where we all start wearing Ed Hardy clothes, trucker hats, and smell like douchebag body spray.

~~~~~

Comments { 1 }