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I Am THAT Kind Of Mother After All

While we were packing up last year for the move into our new house, I found something very interesting that highlighted just how anal retentive detailed I can be, especially when it comes to my child. It was a three page instruction manual for the babysitter we had in California when my daughter was three-years-old. I wanted to die of embarrassment after reading it.

It was very, how would I say it? Hmmm. “Specific” would be a nice way to put it but I’ll go with a bitchy control freak with a generous helping of mad crazy.

Just the first page alone is a listing of meal and snack times and the specific foods that should be eaten at these times as well as in what way the food needs to be prepared and cut up.

Grapes need to be cut in half and banana slices cut in fourths because if they’re not, holy shit, there will be hell to pay, apparently.

This shit comes off more as a threat to the babysitter. Poor lady.

On the second page, half of it details what we do to fill the days i.e. trips to the park, different parks, play with her riding fire truck, etc.

Oh my god. I put in very, very specific terms of the activities that my 3 year-old could do during the day, specifying what options she had to choose from.

Talk about me being the helicopter mom from hell.

The second half on the second page details her favorite television shows, The Wiggles, Elmo, Caillou – that little fucker-, Max And Ruby, and what channels they’re on, plus, what time they come on. I put that in there in case of emergencies.

My biggest worry was that after my husband and I would leave our daughter, she was screaming and crying for us and in a tizzy.

In reality, the hummingbird was probably saying “Bye, bitches! No hurry!”

The third page of this absolutely ridiculous and comical instructional for the babysitter are several different sample schedules of play time, nap time, park time, when to change her diaper, what to do if she gets fussy, what if she doesn’t take a nap and on and on.

Oh my fucking god.

I was that crazy, overbearing, control freak of a mother.

I would like to think that I have improved over the years but I still want to know absolutely everything, even if she’s just going to our next door neighbor’s house, which she’s been to hundreds of times.

My mom was like that when I was younger and it embarrassed me so much. Especially when she would ask to speak to my friend’s mom or dad.

I swore I would never be like that.

Well played karma. Well played.

I’d like to think I don’t have this huge stick up my ass and should just chill out from being such a panicked parent but that sucker is in there tight.

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Being One: Drunk Baby Stage

The hummingbird is nearly seven. 7 YEARS-OLD!! So, I’ve been reminiscing on the years that seem to have gone by way too fast. That used to drive me crazy, when I would hear it goes by so fast. This was before babies though.

It would always be “take in everything, it goes by so fast” you won’t believe how fast it goes” “blink and you’ll miss it because they grow so fast”. But like everyone, I thought I will pay attention to everything my kid does so I don’t miss anything and time will slow to a crawl once I was a mom.

And now, my daughter is almost 7 years-old! Seven!! What the hell?

At the time that she was one, I didn’t realize how bad I had postpartum depression and anxiety. I look back now and want to hug that person. Despite not only having a really rough timeadjusting to being a mom but also embracing it, having a 1 year-old was pretty damn awesome. It’s the drunk baby stage. What’s not to love?

Having a one year old is like dealing with that drunk, unruly friend you used to have/currently have. They’re learning how to walk so they have that nice, little zig zag walking going on. I love the drunk baby walk.

They love doing sloppy things. Sloppy kisses, snotty noses, those lovely tantrums where they can go from happy as can be to pissed off toddler in 1.2 seconds.

They eat like they just came home from a drunk bender, stuff all over the floor, clothes, walls, up their nose. Everywhere.

Being one is filled with temperamental, sloppy, slobbery, drunk walking, I want to pull my hair out adventures.

What did you think when your baby was one? Did you love it? Want to run away from home?

*No One Knows

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Yes, I Will Pick Your Nose And Other Gross Stuff Parents Do

I have a very weak stomach. Very weak. My 6 year-old was recently telling me about a girl who threw up in her class that day and she got into details. I was starting to gag and dry heave while begging her to stop. But then I started thinking of all the gross crap I’ve done as a parent that I’ve done so often, I don’t even flinch anymore.

5. I never would have thought I’d do this before I became a mom but picking my kid’s nose doesn’t phase me. In the last few years, she’s capable of blowing her nose but I remember times she would have a snotty nose and I would just dig right in without a tissue.

4. Getting baby shit on your face is something I thought was only in sitcoms but it does happen. The first time, I gagged and wiped it off immediately. The other times because apparently I really suck at changing diapers, I didn’t give a shit about shit.

3. There’s nothing more glorious than holding your baby and having them puke down your back. It’s not until later that day you realize where that nasty smell is coming from.

2. Diaper blowout that go up the back. How does this happens? I’m amazed that something so small can shoot shit from their but all the way up to their back.

1. I can’t even clean up the hairballs from my two cats but don’t give it a second thought when catching my child’s vomit in my hands.

What’s the grossest thing you’ve had to do as a parent?


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Being Baby: Zombies Are More Rested Than You’ll Be

The little hummingbird will be turning 6 next month. 6!! So, recently I’ve been thinking more about my past experiences with her and each stage she’s gone through up until now.

Did I mention she’ll be 6 soon? 6! What the hell?! The time really does go by way too fast. Although, at the same time, it can feel like it’s going by way. too. slow.

Then BAM! Your kid seems to grow overnight.

Babyhood – Looking back, I wish I paid much more attention. Or maybe it’s the exhaustion that makes this age a blur. I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself and the fact that I always compared myself to other moms.

The new mothers that would say motherhood is “the best thing ever” while I would have plenty of moments where I would cry or feel depressed and overwhelmed.

The new mothers that seemed to make it look so easy and effortless while I was frazzled.

No matter how much I tried to prepare myself when it came to being a parent, in reality it was learning as I go. It’s still like that and probably always will be.

Once you feel like you have this shit down, the fruit of your loins won’t get the memo and will change things up no matter how old they are.

Your baby is sleeping through the night? Maybe not in a few weeks.

Your baby loves a specific food? Ha! That may be all they want but out of nowhere, they’ll be like nope, no way, not gonna eat it.

Sleep – Zombies are more alert than parents who have a newborn.

Sanity – You’re running on adrenaline and have every single emotion there is. Sanity is unlikely at this age.

Lows – Being sleep-deprived, not sleeping, lack of sleep, crazy hormones.

Highs – Having it sink in that you created a little human, the love that develops, the first smile, the first everything.

Unwanted advice that made me want to stab everyone that would tell me this – “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” Much easier said than done. When my child would actually sleep, I had shit to do. Things like endless laundry, trying to finally eat at the end of the day as fast as possible and discovering that I can shove half an El Monterey bean and cheese burrito in my mouth. Taking a fast shower. Staring at my newborn while she slept, despite having shit to do. Being able to have 5 seconds to pee.

This age was a lot harder for me than I thought it would be. Being in charge of a tiny, helpless baby can be stressful and you may feel like it won’t get easier. Okay, so it may never be easy but they grow and as cliché as this is, you learn to expect the unexpected.

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Birth Stories: When The Unexpected Happens


Welcome to the Share Your Story event: Childbirth – Your Stories

This post was written as part of the Share Your Story event hosted by Kids in the House. Our contributors have shared their stories, struggles, and wisdom about the unforgettable yet unpredictable event that is childbirth.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had so many thoughts swirling around in my head about what childbirth would be like and the changes that would come with the new addition to our family.

I had very high hopes that I would be able to stick to the birth plan that I wanted but at the same time, I prepared myself for the unexpected. Or so I thought.

Three weeks before “the little hummingbird” was due, I developed preeclampsia and was told I’m being admitted to the hospital that day to have my baby.

My husband and I rushed home, packed in a hurry, and made it back to the hospital.

Part of my birth plan included soothing showers if needed and walks around the hospital floor to help with the progression of labor. As soon as I got into my room, I was hooked up to an I.V. where I was treated with magnesium for preeclampsia. There would be no getting out of the hospital bed for anything.

Things pretty much snowballed from there and everything that happened with my labor and delivery, including an emergency cesarean, was the opposite of what I was hoping for. I really felt like I failed in such a big way. But looking back now, I see that it was out of my control.

An important thing to remember is that while you may be disappointed that things don’t happen as planned with childbirth, try not to be hard on yourself. You do the best that you can but childbirth is very unpredictable. As one of my nurses told me “Babies don’t read the books on what to expect”.

After my daughter was born, things settled a bit but I started to have a nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right. She wouldn’t latch on to nurse and when I was finally able to give her a bottle, she refused that too.

I was becoming more concerned that there was something wrong and told a few of the nurses. I just had no idea what to tell them exactly. There was something in the way she cried and her breathing didn’t always seem quite right. That’s something else to remember; always trust your instincts when it comes to your child and don’t be afraid to voice any concerns that you may have. When it comes to medical care, the best advocate is you.

By the next afternoon, while a nurse was checking on me, my daughter started shaking and crying. The nurse left the room and came back to test her blood sugar. It was extremely low and in an instant, another nurse came in. There was a quick discussion between them and our little girl was rushed to the NICU.

She stabilized by that night but the doctors were baffled at what was wrong.


The little hummingbird was in the NICU for 3 weeks and many tests were run.


Despite all of that, they still didn’t know why her blood sugar would be fine for a day or two, and then drop to very low levels.


Her doctors put her on a medication to stabilize her blood sugar and after a few days of making sure she was doing well, she was finally able to come home.


We had to keep our daughter on medication for a while and check her blood sugar 3-4 times a day but eventually we were able to stop both of those things. The next five years have been spent trying to find out why she’s had drops in her blood sugar since her stay in the NICU. We’re finally getting closer to an answer which may possibly be Glycogen Storage Disorder.

Becoming a parent is overwhelming enough but when your child has medical issues and has to stay in the NICU, the stress and anxiety can become too much to bear. Having a great support system and keeping the lines of communication open is a must, especially with your spouse.

Despite the difficult beginnings we had, the little hummingbird is thriving and excited to be starting Kindergarten in a few weeks.





Please be sure to read the submissions by the other Share Your Story contributors, and visit Kids in the House to find out how you can participate in our next Share Your Story Blogger Event!

  • Two Peas in a Pod: A Double Miracle – Rachael at Three Boys and Mom shares how the blessing of an unexpected twin pregnancy saved a woman’s life.
  • Childbirth: the Ache of Love – Sasha at MomLife Now describes how one mom discovered a miraculous beauty she new not existed.
  • Tax Day 2007 – Cheryl at The Pump Station & Nursery looks back on how an easy pregnancy turned out to be a taxing birth experience.
  • Going with the Flow – Bridget at Bridget Bertrand shares how her OB helped to put her on the right course in regards to birth plans, the playlist, and even the recipe to make the day her daughter came into the world.
  • My Not-So Natural Birth Story – Rachel at Mommy Greenest shares a lot of questions with questions with pregnant and new parents through her work, but this time describes what it was like for her, giving birth for the first time – but definitely not the last – time.
  • The (Not So) Perfect Birth Story – Britt at My Life and Kids reflects on how a mom’s life-threatening delivery helped mold her into the mother she was meant to be.
  • Giving Birth: When the Unexpected Happens – Elle at This is Mommyhood shares advice for when your baby has an unexpected stay in the NICU.
  • A New Look at the “Perfect” Birth Story – Melissa at Fill My Cup shares how a crazy delivery gave one mom a new perspective on the ‘perfect birth.’
  • Induction Induced Feelings of LossThe Orange Rhino shares how a planned induction brought unplanned feelings of jealousy, sadness, disappointment and loss.
  • Our Beautiful Birth Story – Lindsay at The Fully Caffeinated Mama reflects on how it wasn’t the feeling of intense pain caused by the epidural wearing off that she remembers, but rather the beautiful baby on her chest for the first time.
  • Jack’s Arrival – Samantha at The Peanuts Gang thought she would have a scheduled c-section, but it turned out that having Jack was QUICK and sooner than expected!
  • Remembering to Breathe – Suzy at Kids in the House explains how with little fanfare, the completely wrong music, and a very distracted doctor, her son Leo was born.
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Guest Post: A military family, traveling with baby, and why road trips suck.

This guest post comes from Olivia who writes at Me And Baby E and who you can find on Twitter MeAndBabyE. A few other posts to check out is 10 Reasons To Stop Comparing You And Your Little Ones To Everyone ElseRespect The Play: Validating Play And Self Esteem, and Breastfeeding… One Mom’s Journey. Make sure to go on over and say hello to Olivia!




We are a military family, and as such very rarely live close to our extended families. This means lots, and lots, or road trips, anywhere from 2 to 7 hours at the moment.

Our daughter is 10 months old, and the first long (7 hour) road trip we took was when she was 3 months old. Yup, we’re completely crazy.

So here’s my advice on a long road trip with a three month old breastfed baby, or formula fed for that matter: Don’t Do It. A 7 hour road trip will turn into a 9 hour road trip between diaper changes, melt downs (both theirs and yours) and feeding sessions. Whoever you’re going to see, barring they have their own baby, can come see you.

My husband and I both had a serious case of PTSD after that fun journey both there and back.

Now that Eloise is more scheduled, although road trips still suck big time with a baby,  they are far more manageable. And by manageable I mean you have a general idea why they are having a complete meltdown in the carseat for, oh, the fifth time that hour, and it’s probably because they are bored to tears and Baby Einstein won’t cut it.

My advice for this situation: Ear plugs for you and your spouse or partner and a really, really good reason to justify once again traveling long distance with a baby.

I imagine that when Eloise is older and we can reason with her as to why she has to stay in her carseat for crazy long amounts of time things might get easier. “Mommy will go to jail and you’ll never see her again if I let you out of your carseat while we’re driving” doesn’t quite cut it at 10 months as a way to explain the whole sitting backwards in a five point harness with a smelly English bulldog breathing on you.

Oh, did I mention we travel with our smelly English bulldog, Meatball? Ya, add that one into the fun mix.

In light of our experiences thus far with road trips and babies, this Summer we will be practicing the short distance trips to nearby family and avoiding the longer, more painful trips that will most likely result in therapy later in life for both Eloise and ourselves.

If you’ve got older kids, or babies, and have mastered the road trip, preferably without the heavy meds, I’d love to hear from you!

*The Proclaimers ~ I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)

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Pregnancy sucks… and then it doesn’t… and then it does… and then you just want that baby out.

littlebird-ballerina1*This post was inspired by Marianna from Snappy Surprise who’s pregnant with her first child. Let’s take a minute to welcome her to the mommyhood club!

Pregnancy is such a magical time. You start growing and growing and getting bigger and bigger. There’s some pretty wicked hormones running through your body that makes you cry over a candy commercial. Not just some crying with a light case of the sniffles… it’s the ugly cry.

And before you leave the house, you’re a bathroom ninja and you check to see where the bathrooms are in the vicinity of where you’re going. I’ve already written about some things I experienced in the days and weeks following my daughter’s birth. Now, it’s time to tackle pregnancy.

A case of the barfs –

I was puking throughout most of my pregnancy. The nausea would get so bad that I would get the spins. Prenatal vitamins were assholes and I would puke nightly after about an hour of feeling like I wanted to die. That was finally resolved when a nurse told me to take 2 gummy Flintstone vitamins without iron in place of the prenatal.

When I was pregnant, my sense of smell was on steroids. I would be dry heaving at things I loved prior to being pregnant, like pepperoni pizza. I would even carry plastic bags in my purse just in case I would get sick.

Cravings  –

I wanted anything lemony or citrusy. My biggest cravings were anything to do with fruit, potatoes, Taco Bell bean burritos with sour cream, and orange juice. Holy hell, I would stab somebody if they fucked with my orange juice. My poor husband.

Food aversions –

That freaking rotiserrie chicken at the grocery store would give me the biggest case of the barfs. It was awful and I would dread having to go grocery shopping. I must have looked like such an insane person before I started showing because there I’d be, going down aisle after aisle, gagging at the smell of that damn chicken wafting in the air.

The sweet spot. –

It was around 6 months when my pregnancy seemed more real to me and it was also around that time that the hummingbird was really, really active at night. My favorite part of the day was late at night when I would be laying in bed and she would be doing her acrobatic circus acts. I loved that bonding time with her.

I would also love when the hummingbird would get the hiccups when she was on the inside. After she was born, I would hold her close to my chest so I could get that feeling back.

The alien inside. –

One night while watching the alien inside of me move around, I lifted up my shirt and would see her poking through my stomach. Then, holy shit, there was an elbow or a knee that really poked up and went from the left side of my stomach to the right side. My first thought was that my baby was going to burst through my stomach like a scene in the movie Alien.

Nobody ever told me stuff like that happens and I was about to wake up my husband to tell him our baby is eating its way through my abdomen. Then it happened a few more times and since my stomach was still intact and my fetus didn’t eat through it, I was pretty sure I was safe.

Peeing every 5 minutes. –

You pee, and pee, and pee, and pee, and pee some more. One thing that should be very clear is that when a pregnant woman says she has to pee right this very second, don’t respond with “But we’ll be there in 5 minutes. Just hold it until then.” Especially if you want to live. There’s a baby sitting on our bladder and once we have to pee, we have to do it then and there.

I’ll eventually be able to lift myself off the couch between now and tomorrow night –

In my 7th month, I started to slow down more because of my basketball sized belly that would have me waddling like a duck. Once I would sit in a chair or on the couch, I would feel like I needed a forklift to get me up. It was getting more difficult to try to get comfortable whether I was sitting, standing, laying on the bed, walking, and driving.

No, I’m not moody, motherfucker. – 

I was moody through my entire pregnancy which by the way, I admit I would take advantage of sometimes, but in my 31st week of pregnancy, I was done, done, done. I was so ready for my daughter to be born. My mood was certainly helped by people who would say to me “Wow, you’re still pregnant! It looks like you should have had that baby weeks ago!”

Get this damn baby out of me now! –

I couldn’t get comfortable, I couldn’t sleep, I had to pee ALL THE TIME, I wanted to eat soft cheeses again, and there seemed like there wasn’t anymore room for the hummingbird to grow. It was cramped quarters in my uterus and I was so antsy and restless to meet my baby. I finally did on April 15, 2009. Her due date was May 6 and that was when we were able to bring her home from the NICU.

Post-baby breast pump nipples – 

There are so many things I could go on about when it comes to post-baby but one thing really sticks out in my mind. I had been pumping for a few weeks and one afternoon, while my newborn daughter was taking a nap, I decided to pump a little extra longer than normal. When I took off the breast shield, I almost screamed.

My nipple was the size of a quarter.

Let me repeat.

My nipple was the size of a quarter!!

With my pregnancy hormones strong and having first time mom-itis, I thought I broke my nipple and it would never go back to its normal size again. I called my husband at work and as soon as he answered, I was like “Omg, Omg, I broke my nipple. It’s huge! I was pumping and now it’s the size of a freaking quarter! What do I do?!”

The hubby calmed me down (I’ll never know how he stopped himself from laughing at me) and tried to assure me that my nipple wasn’t broken and if I just gave it some time, it would go back down to its regular size.

Luckily it did. After that, I thought it was the coolest thing that my nipples could get so large. What? I blame it on being sleep deprived and the fact that I’m easily amused. If I could have, I probably would have stopped everyone I came across in my daily life and would have told them “Want to know something cool? My nipples can get as big as quarters! Wanna see?”

But then there’s that whole getting arrested for public indecency that I wanted to avoid.

What were some of your memorable pregnancy experiences?

*Yael Naim – New Soul

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