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The type A mom at gymnastics makes me want to hide in the corner, rock back and forth, and cover my ears as I yell La La La.

The little hummingbird started gymnastics a few months ago ago and during her very first class, there was a mom there that I found mildly annoying.

The classes are held in a small gym and there’s a waiting area with a few row of seats for the parents, and a step that goes up into the gymnastics area.

Type A mom sits front and center to watch her girls in the class and has a 2 year-old that she brings with her to the hour-long class that she for some reason expects to sit quietly during the entire time. I can barely sit still and be quiet the whole hour so her 2 year-old does a better job than I do.

For the first several classes, I tried to give Type A mom the benefit of the doubt and figured she was having an off day. But after spending about a dozen hours with her, I’ve found that she’s not so much a Type A mom as she is Kate Gosselin 2.0.

There are 2 young instructors teaching the gymnastics class along with the owner who I’ll call Chanandler Bong.

Despite the kids in the class being given instruction, Katie G just does not shut the fuck up. Ever. During the second class, she was riding her oldest daughter really hard. Her kid was on the parallel bars and Kate was yelling at her to keep her legs straight and DO BETTER!

At the end of the class, I come to find out that’s not even her kid. Oh, really Kate Gosselin 2.0. Really?

The hour-long class with her bullshit is mentally exhausting. She’s always yelling at her kids, including her 2 year-old, by their first and middle name and she even threatens to make them sit in the car.

It goes something like this…

Rachel! RACHEL GREEN! Sit down and watch your sisters! DO NOT get out of this chair again!

Phoebe! Phoebe! PHOEBE BUFFAY!! KEEP THOSE LEGS STRAIGHT! Phoebe?! Listen to me! If you don’t listen, I’m putting you IN THE CAR!

Rachel! RACHEL! Get off the step and SIT DOWN. Rachel, OFF THE STEP. Mr. Chanandler Bong doesn’t want you on the step. I will put you in the car until the class is over!

<Phoebe runs up and asks for some water> NO, you can’t have any. You need to practice your flips — AND KEEP THOSE LEGS STRAIGHT!

MONICA GELLER! Do that round off again! I want to see you DO BETTER! Monica! Monica! DO BETTER! KEEP THOSE LEGS STRAIGHT!

PHOEBE! YOU WILL GO SIT IN THE CAR THIS MINUTE IF YOU DON’T START LISTENING TO MR. CHANANDLER BONG!

This plays out for most of the class.

I roll my eyes so much, I may need to start taking motion sickness pills before each class.

I usually sit there, looking at her like I would Bigfoot –with What The Fuck curiosity and wishing I had a tranquilizer gun.

By the end of the class, she’s hemming and hawing about how difficult her kids are and how tiring this class is for her. Really, Kate, REALLY??!

I know from the rumblings in the class that other parents are also appalled by her behavior but I don’t think anyone really knows what to do about it.

Many times, I’ve been tempted to walk up to her and say “Excuse me, YOU go sit IN THE CAR!” Oh, how I wish I had the balls to do that.

Previously, I couldn’t understand when I would hear in the news about parents that get into shouting matches or even fist fights while at their kids extra-curricular activities but seeing the way Katie G is, now it makes a little more sense. If there were 2 of her in this class, I’m sure fists would fly from the competitiveness of the parents, not the kids.

On the up side, the little hummingbird is so fearless and rocks the class. She has such a natural athletic ability. I have a feeling this won’t be the last time I come across a parent like Katie G since the bird is looking forward to participating in other programs, like soccer.

Thankfully, this gymnastics class is almost over and I guarantee when I enroll the hummingbird in the next session, I will triple check to make sure that we don’t get in the same class that Kate “KEEP YOUR LEGS STRAIGHT AND DO BETTER!” Gosselin 2.0 will be in.

Have you ever spoken up to a parent over their behavior?

*Björk

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Total Recall: If I Wanted To Be Verbally Attacked, I Wouldn’t Go To The Grocery Store. I Would Visit My MIL.

Published November, 9, 2010

It started off innocent enough. My husband, daughter, and I went to a commissary for groceries at a nearby base on Saturday. Before we went inside the store, my hubby was getting a pack of water and asked me what brand I wanted. We use reusable water bottles but still get bottled water at times.

He joked about getting a brand I don’t like (I know it’s just water but I can be picky) and I told him to get the other water. While this was going on, I noticed a woman standing behind us. There wasn’t room for her to pass since the entrance to the commissary was narrow. Then I realized she was waiting on my hubby so she could get some water.

When he got it in the cart, the woman walked up and told her teenage son to get a certain brand of water because the other one (the one we got) sucked since “they use less plastic and it’s crinkly sounding”. I felt like she was only saying that to be a bitch and was trying to start something with us. Then I shrugged it off and thought I was just jumping to conclusions. You would think I would have learned to trust my instincts by now.

Somehow she ended up getting in front of us. The commissary we go to checks for military ID and there was a woman on the left side and a man on the right checking as you’re walking into the store. My husband was pushing the cart and I was holding the little hummingbird.

There was an older man in front of us and the woman and he was slowly making his way onto a motorized scooter. So while we were standing there waiting, I told my hubby to wipe the cart down before we put our daughter in it. Out of nowhere this woman starts yelling at my hubby. “Stop pushing your cart into me!!! Can’t you watch where you’re going?!!! You keep running into me!!!” She kept going on and on. She said plenty of crazy gems but I’ve forgotten them since I waited to write this. Mommy brain.

The thing was, my hubby wasn’t even close to this crazy woman. If he had bumped into her, he would have said he was sorry but he was like 2 feet away from her. All we were doing was standing behind this mental case. My hubby and I don’t go walking around looking for fights and neither of us likes confrontation. I can be quite the talker once I get to know someone but I’m really shy and the hubs is super quiet.

The whole thing was so surreal and at first I thought I would just keep quiet and let my hubby take care of it. He kept on apologizing and said he never hit her and then she started bitching about how we seemed to “act like we owned the damn stack of water” when we were getting our pack. Holy fucking crap lady! That’s when I could no longer be quiet and I simply told her that my husband never hit her with the cart.

This must have been exactly what she wanted because then she really started freaking out on us. We were only a few feet into the grocery store and the ID checkers were just standing there. I was still holding my daughter so she was yelling at the both of us right in front of our 19 month old and in front of her teenage son. Fortunately the little girl wasn’t crying and was just staring at this crazy woman probably thinking “what the hell is your problem?”

People were looking and I just couldn’t even believe how psycho this woman was. I hear about these weird things that happen when it comes to dumb situations where the police are called and it had me worried that would be the case with this. This woman had long, over-bleached hair and while she was yelling and flipping out, it would sway back and forth. I would never do this but there were a few times when I had the urge to grab her hair and drop kick her.

Then a slew of four letter words were entering my mind and as much as I would have loved to lay some on her, I had the self-control she obviously lacked. That’s when 3 more words popped into my head. Words I have never used before despite my husband being in the military for 14 years. I thought it was fitting since here we were on a base at the commissary so as she started to walk away, still yelling at us, I told her God Bless America!

You can only imagine how much she loved me saying that. She turned back around to continue her yelling that had been going on for several minutes. Then she started walking off again and as she was going into the produce section, she called me a bitch. And I thought going to visit my MIL was going to be the most terrifying thing this month.

Surprisingly, I was able to get a picture of this crazy woman.

 

What’s one of the craziest situations you’ve experienced with a stranger?

*Rootless Tree

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Dearest nipples…

Dearest nipples,

Hey, what’s going on? I know we don’t talk much but you’ve recently come to my attention. Pre-pregnancy, you used to be like this:

headlights1

Now that I’m growing a baby bird, you’re all up in everyone’s face, like this:

headlights2

WHOAH, nipples!

You’ve gotten huge.

I’m pretty sure all in central Maine can see you coming from a mile away. You’ve probably been spotted in Boston as well.

No matter what I do to cover you up, you’re all like HELL NO  and poke out to say hello. Yikes!

I already have enough weird shit going on with my body, so chillax and calm the hell down.

*Twenty One Pilots – House Of Gold

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My husband hates me.

caillou

Over the holidays, I was looking throughout our DVR list and noticed that my husband had recorded Caillou’s Holiday Movie. My first thought was “are you fucking kidding me??” because the hummingbird has been losing interest in that little shit, Caillou, for a while and is obsessed with Peppa Pig.

I can’t stand that whiny little fuck as evidenced in I’m just a kid who’s 4. Each day I whine some more. I torture parents. I’m Caillou., and Bill the squirrel vs. Caillou.

I deleted the movie and my butthead hubby recorded it again. I begged and pleaded my case, ahem… even with a promise of a bj, but nothing worked.

During one day on the holiday break, I was going nuts with Peppa Pig and had a temporary case of insanity when I asked the little hummingbird if she would like to see Caillou.

“No, mommy. I don’t like Caillou.”

MUSIC TO MY FUCKING EARS!!! WOO HOO!!!

A few days later, I walked downstairs one morning to find the hubby and hummingbird cuddled up on the couch… awww… watching that freaking Caillou Holiday Movie… nooooo.

Since then, that damn movie has been watched countless times in the past 2 weeks.

Oh lawdy, help me!!

My 4 year-old’s love of Caillou has returned.

Oh lawdy, help me!!

The husband is going back to work next week, which is a good thing because we’ve been driving each other kinda crazy these past few days.

I’ve already told the hubby that I plan on not ever letting the baby bird know of that little whiny shit, Caillou.

When work starts back for him and preschool is back in session, I predict that the DVR is going to “accidentally” erase that damn Caillou movie, never to be seen again… until next year when my hubby will likely record it.

Butthead.

Which children’s shows drive you out of your mind?

*Far Behind

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I’m a loser…. baby.

fuck2

OMG, there’s a war going on, run for cover, agghhhhhh!

Thanks to some very lovely fuckhead, they put this post of mine, Toddler PMS, on the child free community page on Reddit. While I do write some serious things, I really like to take every day issues when it comes to parenting, and make light of it.

Everyone needs a laugh.

For me personally, I love to read things that I can relate to and feel much better that I’m not the only one.

I was ambushed by this child free community but I don’t blame the community as a whole. I deleted several comments that were hateful before I finally said fuck it and approved others that came my way.

At first I was hurt by being slammed with such hateful messages but after a few days, I just thought these people were fucking insane.

Just the losers that had to tell me what a shitty parent I am because they think I can’t control my child. I wrote that post when the humingbird wasn’t quite 2, and if you’re a parent. WOW, you know how a kid can be at that age.

Especially when they can’t verbalize what they want.

Here’s the link to what was on Reddit:

“Saw this on my Facebook feed. There’s absolutely NOTHING parents can do about a screaming toddler, didn’t you know? It’s not like it’s their own child or anything for which they are responsible.”

The comments that barraged me were so hateful, these people were reading my Twitter feed, and sending me email. Only because I have a child and I wrote about a particulary bad day that we had 2 years ago, which is when I wrote that post. Just a post where I was trying to find the funny side to parenting so we don’t lose our minds.

I also love in that link that they bashed that I even had time to blog. You see CF”ers, there’s this little thing called preschool and bedtime when I can have some time to write.

I would like to say a big thank you to Leah for an email she sent where she apologized on behalf of this child free commnunity. As I’ve said before, I don’t think all child free people are this hateful.

Most of the comments were cruel and pretty fucking stupid. I can easily be immature and sink down to a bottom feeder’s level, which is what I did in most comments. But here’s a comment that I’m down with. She was actually adult about it, unlike the others, so I acted like one too.

Kaereste February 13, 2013 at 16:31 

Hm. My mother would have taken me straight home if I threw a fit in a store. That was not acceptable behavior. If I fought her on the way to the park, I wouldn’t get to go to the park. I was never spanked, but I knew there were consequences for acting out. Basically, if I couldn’t behave in public, I wouldn’t be out in public.

She managed to do this as a single mother. There is really no reason to tolerate temper tantrums.

Elle February 14, 2013 at 00:45

Hi Kaereste. Thank you for your comment. As I’ve already said to someone else,, this was just a glimpse into my life, which was a particulary bad day. My daughter is normally well behaved. It took her a little longer to start talking and this happened when she wasn’t quite 2.

For a while, it was very difficult communicating verbally with her because I didn’t always know what her needs were since she couldn’t tell me. This is when she would act out and I can see how frustrating that could be for her.

It’s not that I tolerate her tantrums, There are just some days when a child will be unpredictable and cranky. Kids have bad days just like adults.

But then there was this one from a former preschool teacher, or so she says.

Tara February 13, 2013 at 15:08 

As a former preschool teacher you are completely wrong. Unless there I a mental illness preventing your child from understanding direction there was NO child I could not stop from having inappropriate tantrums. Hundreds of children, not one problem. Sounds like you let your child run your life. Also your dismissive rude comments to the childfree are incredibly rude. I feel sorry for the future of humanity that you are contributing to.

Elle February 13, 2013 at 20:20 

Well, “your CF people” called me a shitty parent and my child a fucking brat AND a little shit. Just from a tiny post that shows a glimpse of my life. When that happens, my mama bear is coming out….not that you would know anything about that.

Every Gift Begins With Kay

Kay, such a crazy motherfucker, was pretty entertaining.

Kay February 14, 2013 at 19:49

It’s nice to know that all CF’ers do nothing more than jerk off and play video games. Thank you for reinforcing the stereotype of juvenile, proud-to-a-fault ‘I popped out a womb goblin’, so hear me roar mom.

We do remember that we were, at one point, children. That we too were shitheads as well. However, on countless occasions, recall my mother putting her foot down the second I acted up, not standing idly bye, waiting for the shitstorm to run its course.

Congratulations on reproducing, really, good for you if it makes you happy then by all means, squeeze out as many mewling cabbages as you can.

All the best,

Previous, mewling useless, drooling, screaming germ factory/money pit/mistake.

Elle February 14, 2013 at 20:16 

Your child free community has said the most vulgar, hateful things to me and about my family for the past few days JUST because I have a child. So you really think I’m going to be nice?!

Go fuck yourself. You can’t get a germ infested little shit that way.

And Kay just couldn’t stop there. Also, I never said she called my child a germ infested little shit. I was making fun of her choice of words when it came to children. I didn’t read her next comment before I responded to her but have since read it.

Kay February 15, 2013 at 09:11 

It actually makes me laugh, I refer to myself as once upon a time, being a ‘germ infested, little shithead’ and you instantly take it to heart that I called your offspring that. Control your hormones woman, I was under the impression that all mothers had thick skin. (the gods know mine does, I’m still blown away that she had me and wasted countless opportunities to pursue a career and a life that would have made her happy, one that she deserved and still deserves, for the sake of my brother and I. But I digress).

Secondly, the CF community, is not my community. I don’t ascribe to any ‘community’ really. Though I do share a handful of their views when it comes to children. Sadly, the well behaved, polite children I used to come across, seem to be a rare, if not extinct, species.

Third, I”m going to go out on a limb here and say that there’s been …crudely, negative opinions voiced because the majority are fed up with parents that refuse to remove their screaming children from the vicinity whilst their in the throes of a violent hissy fit. You smile and giggle about your childs screaming fits, coddling her when they take place, catering to her “game” as you called it. That’s what undoubtedly pushed the masses to critic and judge you so harshly. However. trust me, it’s not just you that the majority of CF’ers have an issue with. There is nothing more rage inciting than watching a parent, nonchalantly stroll around their flailing spawn, acting as if the behavior is completely acceptable. It’s not.

I always smile when someone tells me to ‘go fuck myself’. As if that were a bad thing = )

Thank you, brightened my morning.

Ummm, yeah, Kay really needs to get a life.

Elle February 15, 2013 at 12:20 

I didn’t read your comment but thanks for wasting your time typing it out.

So, what did I learn from this clusterfuck of crazies? Nothing really. But they sure were pretty fucking amusing.

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Why zorbing on a snowy mountain hill is a really fucking stupid idea.

My husband just pointed this story out to me tonight. I’ve never heard of zorbing until now. Watching this video left me horrified but at the same time, I wanted to smack the shit out of these men. I’ve heard at least one of them is dead. Horrible.

Now excuse me while I go strap myself in a hamster ball and roll down a mountain of snow.

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What an asshole!

* I had no idea this post would turn into an issue. I just wrote what I saw with my own eyes while I was driving behind this man. I was behind him for several minutes and I don’t care if his daughter ran over a box of kittens. His behavior was reckless when it came to driving and yelling in his daughter’s face. There was no way I was going to honk at someone who, by the signs of his body language, was really pissed off and very animated. That is all.

 

Today I was driving home and was on a two lane highway behind a white car. The driver was a man and the passenger was what seemed like a woman.

He kept on turning his head towards her and at first I was annoyed that this guy wasn’t paying attention to the road and had slowed down to 50 mph in a 55 zone. What? Yes, I’m impatient.

This asshole started to become more animated and was turning his head to the woman more frequently. It was obvious they were having a fight. It was more like he was because she seemed to stare straight ahead.

It got to where I felt I needed to do something but what the fuck can you do when your driving down the highway at 50 mph? I was really tempted to honk my horn so his attention would take away from her but quickly realized that would really set him off.

There I was stuck behind this couple for 10 minutes or so but it seemed like forever. I thought about grabbing my cell phone and calling the police but my phone was in my purse which was where I couldn’t get to it. I felt so bad for this woman.

The highway turned into the freeway so I sped up to pass this fucker. When I looked into the car, I thought I was going to puke. Sitting in the passenger seat was a girl who was about 10-12 years-old. There are no words.

Okay, I have plenty of words I’d like to tell this guy. You dumb fucking piece of shit asshole. I could go on but I’ll spare you.

I still feel like my stomach dropped into my feet and just hope this little girl will be okay.

What would you have done in this situation?

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