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I’m a loser…. baby.

By Elle on February 18, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, really?!, wtf?

OMG, there’s a war going on, run for cover, agghhhhhh!

Thanks to some very lovely fuckhead, they put this post of mine, Toddler PMS, on the child free community page on Reddit. While I do write some serious things, I really like to take every day issues when it comes to parenting, and make light of it.

Everyone needs a laugh.

For me personally, I love to read things that I can relate to and feel much better that I’m not the only one.

I was ambushed by this child free community but I don’t blame the community as a whole. I deleted several comments that were hateful before I finally said fuck it and approved others that came my way.

At first I was hurt by being slammed with such hateful messages but after a few days, I just thought these people were fucking insane.

Just the losers that had to tell me what a shitty parent I am because they think I can’t control my child. I wrote that post when the humingbird wasn’t quite 2, and if you’re a parent. WOW, you know how a kid can be at that age.

Especially when they can’t verbalize what they want.

Here’s the link to what was on Reddit:

“Saw this on my Facebook feed. There’s absolutely NOTHING parents can do about a screaming toddler, didn’t you know? It’s not like it’s their own child or anything for which they are responsible.”

The comments that barraged me were so hateful, these people were reading my Twitter feed, and sending me email. Only because I have a child and I wrote about a particulary bad day that we had 2 years ago, which is when I wrote that post. Just a post where I was trying to find the funny side to parenting so we don’t lose our minds.

I also love in that link that they bashed that I even had time to blog. You see CF”ers, there’s this little thing called preschool and bedtime when I can have some time to write.

I would like to say a big thank you to Leah for an email she sent where she apologized on behalf of this child free commnunity. As I’ve said before, I don’t think all child free people are this hateful.

Most of the comments were cruel and pretty fucking stupid. I can easily be immature and sink down to a bottom feeder’s level, which is what I did in most comments. But here’s a comment that I’m down with. She was actually adult about it, unlike the others, so I acted like one too.

Kaereste February 13, 2013 at 16:31

Hm. My mother would have taken me straight home if I threw a fit in a store. That was not acceptable behavior. If I fought her on the way to the park, I wouldn’t get to go to the park. I was never spanked, but I knew there were consequences for acting out. Basically, if I couldn’t behave in public, I wouldn’t be out in public.

She managed to do this as a single mother. There is really no reason to tolerate temper tantrums.

Elle February 14, 2013 at 00:45

Hi Kaereste. Thank you for your comment. As I’ve already said to someone else,, this was just a glimpse into my life, which was a particulary bad day. My daughter is normally well behaved. It took her a little longer to start talking and this happened when she wasn’t quite 2.

For a while, it was very difficult communicating verbally with her because I didn’t always know what her needs were since she couldn’t tell me. This is when she would act out and I can see how frustrating that could be for her.

It’s not that I tolerate her tantrums, There are just some days when a child will be unpredictable and cranky. Kids have bad days just like adults.

But then there was this one from a former preschool teacher, or so she says.

Tara February 13, 2013 at 15:08

As a former preschool teacher you are completely wrong. Unless there I a mental illness preventing your child from understanding direction there was NO child I could not stop from having inappropriate tantrums. Hundreds of children, not one problem. Sounds like you let your child run your life. Also your dismissive rude comments to the childfree are incredibly rude. I feel sorry for the future of humanity that you are contributing to.

Elle February 13, 2013 at 20:20

Well, “your CF people” called me a shitty parent and my child a fucking brat AND a little shit. Just from a tiny post that shows a glimpse of my life. When that happens, my mama bear is coming out….not that you would know anything about that.

Every Gift Begins With Kay

Kay, such a crazy motherfucker, was pretty entertaining.

Kay February 14, 2013 at 19:49

It’s nice to know that all CF’ers do nothing more than jerk off and play video games. Thank you for reinforcing the stereotype of juvenile, proud-to-a-fault ‘I popped out a womb goblin’, so hear me roar mom.

We do remember that we were, at one point, children. That we too were shitheads as well. However, on countless occasions, recall my mother putting her foot down the second I acted up, not standing idly bye, waiting for the shitstorm to run its course.

Congratulations on reproducing, really, good for you if it makes you happy then by all means, squeeze out as many mewling cabbages as you can.

All the best,

Previous, mewling useless, drooling, screaming germ factory/money pit/mistake.

Elle February 14, 2013 at 20:16

Your child free community has said the most vulgar, hateful things to me and about my family for the past few days JUST because I have a child. So you really think I’m going to be nice?!

Go fuck yourself. You can’t get a germ infested little shit that way.

And Kay just couldn’t stop there. Also, I never said she called my child a germ infested little shit. I was making fun of her choice of words when it came to children. I didn’t read her next comment before I responded to her but have since read it.

Kay February 15, 2013 at 09:11

It actually makes me laugh, I refer to myself as once upon a time, being a ‘germ infested, little shithead’ and you instantly take it to heart that I called your offspring that. Control your hormones woman, I was under the impression that all mothers had thick skin. (the gods know mine does, I’m still blown away that she had me and wasted countless opportunities to pursue a career and a life that would have made her happy, one that she deserved and still deserves, for the sake of my brother and I. But I digress).

Secondly, the CF community, is not my community. I don’t ascribe to any ‘community’ really. Though I do share a handful of their views when it comes to children. Sadly, the well behaved, polite children I used to come across, seem to be a rare, if not extinct, species.

Third, I”m going to go out on a limb here and say that there’s been …crudely, negative opinions voiced because the majority are fed up with parents that refuse to remove their screaming children from the vicinity whilst their in the throes of a violent hissy fit. You smile and giggle about your childs screaming fits, coddling her when they take place, catering to her “game” as you called it. That’s what undoubtedly pushed the masses to critic and judge you so harshly. However. trust me, it’s not just you that the majority of CF’ers have an issue with. There is nothing more rage inciting than watching a parent, nonchalantly stroll around their flailing spawn, acting as if the behavior is completely acceptable. It’s not.

I always smile when someone tells me to ‘go fuck myself’. As if that were a bad thing = )

Thank you, brightened my morning.

Ummm, yeah, Kay really needs to get a life.

Elle February 15, 2013 at 12:20

I didn’t read your comment but thanks for wasting your time typing it out.

So, what did I learn from this clusterfuck of crazies? Nothing really. But they sure were pretty fucking amusing.

Comments { 9 }

Why zorbing on a snowy mountain hill is a really fucking stupid idea.

By Elle on January 9, 2013 in really?!, wtf?

My husband just pointed this story out to me tonight. I’ve never heard of zorbing until now. Watching this video left me horrified but at the same time, I wanted to smack the shit out of these men. I’ve heard at least one of them is dead. Horrible.

Now excuse me while I go strap myself in a hamster ball and roll down a mountain of snow.

Comments { 3 }

What an asshole!

By Elle on June 1, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, anxiety, hold me, holy hell, really?!

* I had no idea this post would turn into an issue. I just wrote what I saw with my own eyes while I was driving behind this man. I was behind him for several minutes and I don’t care if his daughter ran over a box of kittens. His behavior was reckless when it came to driving and yelling in his daughter’s face. There was no way I was going to honk at someone who, by the signs of his body language, was really pissed off and very animated. That is all.

Today I was driving home and was on a two lane highway behind a white car. The driver was a man and the passenger was what seemed like a woman.

He kept on turning his head towards her and at first I was annoyed that this guy wasn’t paying attention to the road and had slowed down to 50 mph in a 55 zone. What? Yes, I’m impatient.

This asshole started to become more animated and was turning his head to the woman more frequently. It was obvious they were having a fight. It was more like he was because she seemed to stare straight ahead.

It got to where I felt I needed to do something but what the fuck can you do when your driving down the highway at 50 mph? I was really tempted to honk my horn so his attention would take away from her but quickly realized that would really set him off.

There I was stuck behind this couple for 10 minutes or so but it seemed like forever. I thought about grabbing my cell phone and calling the police but my phone was in my purse which was where I couldn’t get to it. I felt so bad for this woman.

The highway turned into the freeway so I sped up to pass this fucker. When I looked into the car, I thought I was going to puke. Sitting in the passenger seat was a girl who was about 10-12 years-old. There are no words.

Okay, I have plenty of words I’d like to tell this guy. You dumb fucking piece of shit asshole. I could go on but I’ll spare you.

I still feel like my stomach dropped into my feet and just hope this little girl will be okay.

What would you have done in this situation?

Comments { 4 }

Monster-in-laws are back.

By Elle on March 9, 2012 in family, hold me, holy hell, in-laws, mother-in-law, really?!

*It’s that time of the month (no not that time) for crazy mother-in-law/in-law posts. Remember, if you’d like to vent about your in-laws and of course be anonymous, email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com. I’m making it a monthly thing so the next posting will be around April 5th.

~~~~~

From “My mother-in-law makes me really stabby”

I’ve heard my gal friends say that they have the best MIL’s and oh-how-would-they-live-without. BLAH/GAG. I thought my MIL was great until I got pregnant and she bought me wine glasses. Because mine were “red wine glasses” and I needed “white wine glasses”. I would have been happy with a onesie or some brownies OR ANYTHING ELSE THAT DIDN’T INVOLVE DRINKING. I should’ve asked for a new bong too.

My DH thinks I blow her actions and comments out of proportion but you be the judge:

1. My MIL literally fought with me over when my anniversary was. It falls exactly 1 year after our son was born. To the date. Pretty sure when son turn 2 then it’s not our second anniversary. Because I sure would’ve loved to give birth AND get married in the same bed.

2. When son turned 3, we had a birthday party and MIL greeted MY friends at the door saying “hi, I’m T’s grandma.” Problem? The birthday party was for D, not my stepson T. That’s normal to forget whose birthday it was. Just like when DH bought flowers that day and MIL thought they were the 3 year old. AGAIN, it’s our fricking anniversary you dumbass.

3. MIL & FIL cannot visit together because we told them not to bring their gigantic dogs to our house(the hair, the constant attention to these animals). They apparently cannot find anyone to watch the dogs for a weekend and kenneling the dogs is “inhumane”. Did you give BIRTH to the stupid dogs?

4. Pretty sure when I have grandkids and visit for 2 days, then I will be reading books to those kids and giving baths and bringing toys and generally being very happy to play with my latest bloodline. My MIL never offers any of that and when I ask her if she’d like to, her response is “well, I’ve got my wine glass so…” WHY ARE YOU HERE THEN?! Oh right for your son (see #5).

5. I only have boys so I get that moms and sons are close. But I would NEVER call my son, my “soul mate”. SOUL MATE, didja hear that? MY MIL does on numerous occasions. She obviously doesn’t know the definition or is secretly in love with her son. Either way, it’s ridiculous.

6. She sleeps on the living room couch and bitches the kids wake her up at 7am. Sleep in the downstairs guest room then. Not MY fault you drank an entire bottle of wine and have to pee every 10 minutes.

I’m just going to end my little guest blog there-I suggest to anyone who thinks “no way is my MIL ever going to be that bad” then have a backup plan to move far away, marry an orphaned man, or buy untraceable poisons because guess what beotches, all MIL’s eventually kinda suck. Hehe. Married life is just fantastic with in-laws. I think that maybe why we all used to live until 50 so the in-laws were pretty much outta the picture before they could piss us off too much. Damn the new lifespan.

~~~~~

From “Monet”

When my husband and I first got together, his mother was living with his sister and her family. Mind you, her family lives within spitting distance of my parents house. The house next door to my parents house came available to rent, and since my grandfather owns the house, I talked him into letting the in-laws rent the house from them. All worked out well until the in-laws decided not to pay rent for six months, and ended up getting kicked out of the house, so now my in-laws owe my grandfather $3,000 worth of back rent.

Now I can’t even invite both sides of the family to our son’s birthday parties because of how much tension there is. They see no need to pay it off because “technically” everyone’s family. Now every time I hear MIL commenting that she’s going to save up the money for whatever, all I can think is, “You can save up the money for something you don’t need, but you can’t save up the money to make the tension between the two families go away?” After they were evicted from my grandparents house, MIL had the nerve to list me as a reference for the house they are currently living in. I mean really now?

After I begged for my grandfather to let you live there, and you go and shit on both of us like that, I’m going to lie to a lady I’ve known all my life and tell her that you all are great renters. I think not. Not only do they owe my grandfather back rent for a house they haven’t lived in two years, they are also on the shit list with their children. My husband and I added his parents to our cell phone carrier when their phones got disconnected, with the expectation that they would pay half of our cell phone bill every month. They haven’t paid us a dime since August of 2009.

Their car insurance is under my husbands brother’s insurance policy, which is deducted straight from his paycheck where he works his first job. They were also supposed to be paying them, and since they haven’t, BIL had to go and get a second job to take care of his family. The SIL brings them groceries from time to time and any time they need anything done at the house they’re currently living in, they call her to attend to things. What I don’t understand is how in the hell if they both work two full time job, and one gets loads of overtime, how in the hell can they not afford to live on their own?

MIL on her own makes you feel like an idiot when you talk to her, making snide comments about anything and everyone she sees. What I love most about MIL is that she doesn’t listen to anything I tell her. MIL was looking for a vet to take her animals to, and I told her what vet my family had been using for years. Does she go to the one I recommend? Oh, no. She goes to the most expensive vet in the county, and then proceeds to complain about the bill.

MIL also needed to register her vehicle, and I had informed her that personalized plates would cost more on a yearly basis. She gets personalized plates and tells me that it’s not going to cost her more money, but down the road it sure does. Previously when she renewed her tags, she had to borrow money from BIL and once again put personalized tags on her vehicle.

Anytime I try to tell her something to save her some money, because Lord knows they never seem to have enough money, she doesn’t listen, she goes and does what she wants. Hello, I’ve lived in our county my whole life, and her only for 5 years or so. I think I know where the best place to go for the best rate is.

Sister in law is a nightmare. I cannot stand that hateful bitch. I swear if she had the money to go to the doctor, he would diagnose her with bipolar disorder! One minute, she’s your best friend, and the next, she’s wanting to rip your head off and bury you in her back yard. All I had ever known about her from even before my husband and I were together was that she was a bitch and she would back stab you the first chance she got. I’m pretty sure it was her who left my husband and I nice little messages the night before we got married, trying to tell me that I was all wrong for him, and I was going to ruin his life if we got married.

She told him that I was herpes infested (which I most definitely am not, I’ve got the blood test to prove it) and marrying me was going to be the biggest mistake of his life. Needless to say she was not invited to the wedding, although I was going to send her an invite to be nice, but she flat out made it known that if she got an invitation, she wouldn’t show because she didn’t agree with two people who hadn’t had any real dating time getting married. HELLO! YOUR BROTHER IS IN THE ARMY AND STATIONED 600 MILES FROM ME!

We saw each other at least twice a month and talked on the phone every day, until he got deployed to Iraq, in which I remained faithful and supported him the whole time. I managed his finances and took care of everything I needed to as if we were already married, but I guess that wasn’t good enough for her.

She has two children. The oldest was a surprise from a previous fling, the youngest from her husband. Oldest, God bless her heart, is the most shell of a person you have ever seen. Hubby and I have discussed ways to get custody of Oldest to save her from her life of hell but without any physical signs of beatings or things of that nature, no luck. They don’t beat her physically, but emotionally. That poor girl has no self esteem because her parents spend all day berating her for whatever reasons, and Youngest could commit a triple homicide and SIL would just look the other way.

Youngest has the sassiest mouth on the face of the Earth, telling his grandfather to shut up and that he doesn’t have to listen to him, and SIL just sits there and lets him get away with it. Long before I ever decided to have children with my husband, I made this nice long list of “Things My Children Will Never Do” and you can trust and believe that everything on that list came from things I’ve seen Youngest do. SIL also threatens divorce from her husband on a weekly basis, but the second anyone in the family tries to say anything remotely negative, she will defend him to the death.

BIL isn’t as terrible as the rest of them. Recently I learned that he had been lying about previously being enlisted in the Army. Hubby has been in the Army for 5 years, been deployed to Iraq twice, and is going to Afghanistan within the next two months. He’s risked his life twice already and BIL wants to claim he’s in the Army.

~~~~~

Comments { 2 }

When arseholes make me extra stabby, first edition.

By Elle on March 3, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, blah blah blah, really?!, would you like some cheese with your whine?

When the hummingbird was just a tiny babe and I would be pushing her ~~what seemed like an SUV sized~~ stroller, I would have the worst time trying to get in or out of a shop. There were countless times when there would be someone just standing there watching. Um, hello? Can I get a little help here?

When some asshole is tailgating me and makes this big production when it comes to passing me, only to get as far as right in front of me. Wow, all that douchebag behavior sure paid off. I usually laugh out loud when that happens.

When a male radio talk show host calls a woman a slut for being on birth control. Hey asshole, either grow your own vagina or go back to the f*cking prairie.

When I’m at the grocery store and try to go down an aisle but there are two people in the middle of the aisle talking and oblivious to anything around them and saying excuse me is repeatedly ignored.

When you have an early morning appointment with a doctor, you arrive when you’re supposed to, and they’re still 30 minutes behind.

When you’re actually able to go out to dinner with your husband and daughter and you get seated next to people who must think they’re at a rock concert because they talk and cackle so loud, it hurts your head.

When your cats love to pounce on your head at 3 am and then you can’t go back to sleep. I’m not calling Maisy and Penny assholes but…..okay they are a couple of assholes at times, I mean they’re cats.

What makes you extra stabby?

**Remember next week I’ll be posting mother-in-laws/in-laws from hell posts so if you have one, drop me an email. xx

Comments { 5 }

Car carts are evil and will make you smell like Axe body spray.

By Elle on January 7, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, hold me, holy hell, hubby, mommyhood, my brain is melting, really?!, the little hummingbird, ugh!, would you like some cheese with your whine?

I love to shop but only when it’s from the comfort of my laptop. I can’t stand going to the grocery store or the mall.

It seems like when people go out shopping on the weekends, their douchey side comes blazing out. Exhibit A.

There’s also the matter of bringing the little hummingbird to the store. Yowza! At first she plays it cool but then halfway through the store, she’s over it. We take her out of the car cart that my husband always promises to push through the store but doesn’t and then he goes chasing after her up and down the aisles while I’m stuck pushing this ginormous thing.

Yep, there I am, alone, and pushing the damn thing all over the store like a loony. Excuse me… I look loonier than usual. It takes all I have to turn the cart around the aisles, trying not to kill anyone in my path.

It never fails that I’ll park the damn car cart out of the way where I think people won’t go and there’s always that one person that wants to grab something where that cart is put.

Then I tell them I’m so sorry and I’ll try to push and pull and move the cart but that’s when it decides it’s not going to move an inch and the wheels start scraping on the floor, making a horrendous noise. I can tell that the person waiting for me to move the cart starts getting annoyed since it’s taking me so long to move but do these people ever offer to help me move the cart that weighs more than I do? Nope.

Just when I get it moving along, my hubby seems to show up out of thin air.

Not long ago he put our 2-year-old back in the cart because she was really cranky and didn’t have her nap that day. He practically sprinted away, turning back and telling me he had to go get something that he forgot and there I was trying to push an out of control car cart with a pissed off toddler.

As our daughter was yelling out for her daaaaddy, I was thinking of ways to get him back. Withholding sex came to mind but we’ve been married for quite a while and he probably wouldn’t even notice.

That’s when I spotted it. Trial size bottles of Axe body spray. It stinks but more importantly it gives the man in your life a douche makeover, like Ed Hardy clothes. I grabbed a bottle and waited for my husband to come down the aisle so I could ambush him with it.

After what seemed like forever, I saw him walking towards us and I had the bottle behind my back, ready to spray him. As soon as he was close enough, I whipped the bottle from behind my back and sprayed him down. Well that was the desired scenario except I didn’t realize until it was too late that the spray nozel was pointed in my direction.

Adding insult to injury, he grabbed one of the travel sized bottles out of the plastic bin and sprayed me some more. There we were in aisle 8 having an Axe body spray standoff. Our daughter finally stopped whining and seemed to be pleading with her eyes for some stranger to get her away from her crazy parents.

We finally called a truce, walked to the check out lane, and there I was gagging the whole way. All that was missing was a trucker hat and my douche makeover would have been complete.

I blame this whole thing on those damn car carts. One of these days the earth is going to pass through a comet like in that 80′s movie Maximum Overdrive and these car carts are going to come to life and terrorize us more than they already do. Then we’re all going to get into Axe body spray fights so before that happens, I vote that we burn every last one of the car carts to save mankind from becoming a society where we all start wearing Ed Hardy clothes, trucker hats, and smell like douchebag body spray.

~~~~~

Comments { 1 }

Want your own reality show? Some lovely choices are marrying someone who’s a lot older than you or getting peed on. Hmmm…..that’s a tough choice. And possibly wet.

By Elle on December 9, 2011 in a glimpse into my mind, crazazy, creepy, holy hell, my brain is melting, really?!, wineconed

I’ve had a bad case of writer’s block so I decided to answer one of my questions that I give my guest bloggers….”If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never have to hear about them again, who would it be?”

Okay, first things first. My husband and I were HUGE fans of the show Lost. I really loved when they would flashback to the childhood of Ben. I also really liked the actor who took pity on young Ben….Doug Hutchison. Then that guy, 51, married Courtney Stodden who at the time was supposedly 16. What the effity eff?! And I’ve heard they’re getting their own reality show.

Thank you Doug for ruining that part of Lost for me. And what the hell Courtney?! Stop doing that thing with your lips.

Where in the hell were this girl’s parents? Probably pimping out their other kids on Toddlers and Tiaras. Yes, I’ve seen that show but I can only last a few minutes. The trainwreck of all trainwrecks, The Real Housewives, is more up my alley.

But seriously, girls like Courtney scare the hell out of me when it comes to having a 2 year old daughter. I, like every other parent out there thinks that my kid is wicked smart and will see right through the superficial crap but at the same time I worry that the little hummingbird will think being like this will be the norm.

I need to get on my soapbox and say what in the hell happened to people with *real* talent?! I know they’re out there but damn, I miss the true actors like Ben Kingsley who’s a freaking acting ninja or musicians that can just go on stage with a microphone and a guitar, a la’ Glen Hansard, and sing the shit out of a song without 20 wardrobe changes and that horrible autotune.

The songs I’ve been hearing lately sound like they’re being sung through a fan. I know when I was younger, talking through a fan was really cool to me. What can I say? I’m easily entertained. And every time I would do it, I would have to say in my best Darth Vader voice Luke, I am your father.

Then there are the Kardashians….oh *beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*! I admit I watched the first season of their “reality show” but after that I couldn’t take it. The mom is a pimp extraordinaire.

I used to love E! but it seems like it’s become the Karbarfian channel. What’s really crazy is that Kim seemed to become famous simply by making a sex tape with water sports (read: being peed on). Oy!

So pack your bags girls and get ready for lift off. Or as the Karbarfians would say, kget kready kfor klift koff.