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A dingo ate my baby?!

Okay, so a dingo didn’t eat my baby but I haven’t gotten much sleep for a while and couldn’t think of anything else for a title.

It took my hubby and I almost 14 years to have the little hummingbird. Long story long is that while I was ready for a baby soon after we were married, he kept on dragging his feet and making excuses.

For the first couple of years I could deal with it and with him being in the military and all the moving we did, I understood. But once we were stationed in Virginia Beach for nearly 3 years, even though he was gone a lot, he would tell me he’s just not ready. It was difficult because the other officer wives had children already and here I was childless and so we didn’t have much to talk about.

After about 5 or 6 years there was a lot of tension between us over the matter. I know marriage is a roller coaster and that was a down period for us. My hubby wouldn’t even talk about having kids which was beyond effing frustrating.

I was on birth control but when 8 or so years of marriage went by without any baby plans in the near future, I had some people saying to just stop taking it because this waiting game for a baby was getting ridiculous.

I honestly don’t know if either of us have fertility issues or how long it could take for the little hummingbird to get a sibling in a few years since we never tried to have a baby. Sure there were times when we would move somewhere and there would be a lapse in me taking the pill because I would have to wait to see a new doctor and get a prescription but I never got pregnant during those times.

The miscarriage I had in August concerns me into thinking there could be an issue but I know there are so many reasons why that happens. The pregnancy was also a surprise like the hummingibrd.

Being childless continued after 10, 11, 12 years of marriage and now that I look back, I think there was a much deeper issue for my husband’s excuses and having such a long delay for us having a baby. Maybe this is because I’m just now getting to the heart of my depression with seeing my therapist but I think a lot of it had to do with the way he was raised and the things he went through. While I know plenty, I also think there are things he has left out or has supressed.

To sum it up, I think he was terrified of having children because he didn’t want the same thing to happen to our kid/s that happened to him. There’s so much about his parents, especially my MIL, that I don’t say….believe it or not.

Fast forward to June of 2008. We were living in Arlington, VA and I went in for my yearly exam. The doctor ended up writing a prescription for the wrong birth control which I didn’t notice until I was in the parking lot. I thought I would simply run back into the clinic to get it changed but when I went back, the doctor was already with another patient.

I left my info and told the receptionist what the problem was and thought it would be straightened out soon. Wrong. I never heard from the doctor. I even went to the clinic to speak with someone to no avail. The whole time I was thinking I just want my damn birth control, not meth, and this was crazy to go through all of this.

Then I was told I needed to come in for another exam so the doctor could stick her hand up my hoo-ha and do another pap smear even though I had already gotten the results from the one a few weeks prior and it was clear. I would explain that I’ve done this less that a month ago and just needed the correct prescription.

She had written a prescription for a birth control pill that wasn’t anything like what I’ve been taking so I was worried about how it would affect me since I’ve learned over the years that I need to be on a low dose of birth control or else I become like a pissed off Christian Bale on the set of Terminator 3 except my meltdown doesn’t become viral or get a cool song remix.

After calling several times, going to the clinic, leaving messages, and all of that good stuff, I thought eff it. I know obviously by not being on birth control my chances of getting pregnant became sky-high but my hubby knew the dilemma I was in so we used other forms of birth control.

Wait a sec, this just in….it didn’t work…obviously.

The subtle signs were there but I really didn’t think anything of it. The biggest giveaway should have been when I went downstairs from our 18th floor apartment to the little convenience store on the first floor and instead of getting something with chocolate, I had this intense craving for something lemony which has never happened seeing as how I’m a chocoholic.

The physical symptoms I was having were very close to when I get my period so again, I didn’t think anything of it. Soon after I had to drive my hubby to the Naval Hospital in Bethesda because he had broken his foot and was finally getting surgery on it. There I was driving on the freeway and I had the worst nausea. I blamed it on nerves because of my husband’s surgery.

Normally I have the nose of a dog but my sense of smell went up tremendously. Also, just a week before my husband’s foot surgery, we went to a music festival in Maryland and while it was awesome, I was beyond exhausted which was another sign…..ding, ding, ding.

One other sign that I seemed to ignore was I had this intense need to pick out a girl’s baby name. I had names already picked out for my firstborn….Emma Rose for a girl and Caden Gage for a boy but I had picked out these names years ago. The girl name I loved had become so popular and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to use that name after all.

So, I poured through baby name websites when without knowing it I was about 3 weeks pregnant. Nothing really jumped out at me but then I found a baby name book I had gotten years ago. While I was flipping through the pages, whoop there it was. I knew there would be very few girls named “the little hummingbird” I kid, I kid and was certain that would be the name I would use someday. I had no idea that “someday” would be 8 months later.

A few weeks later in September I remember sitting in the living room listening to Kings of Leon “Sex On Fire” over and over and all of these things finally came together for me. I knew I had a pregnancy test somewhere so I ripped through my bathroom cabinets and finally found it.

I peed on the stick and it was positive within seconds. I was in total shock even though it shouldn’t have been that surprising. So, I convinced myself the pregnancy test was “broken”, ha, and ran across the street to CVS where I got a 2 pack of one brand and a 2 pack  of a different one. I rushed back home and all were positive.

Then I went to the grocery store down the street because holy hell in a hot pocket, all of these tests had to have been broken because of some kind of conspiracy, right?

I peed some more and those were positive too.

When my husband came home from work that day, I was going to act cool about it and wait to tell him but that lasted all of 2 seconds. He was really shocked to say the least. Even after I went to take a blood test the next day, he still wasn’t convinced.

It wasn’t until 2 weeks later when I went in for my first ultrasound and we saw the hummingbird that it really hit us both.

There was another photo we got on that first visit and I swear it looks like she’s tap dancing. When I think about it now and how she can’t sit still for even a minute, she probably was tap dancing in my uterus.

After the first doctor’s visit, my hubby really seemed to come around and once she was born, it was love at first cry…for all of us. Then just a day after she was born, she was rushed to the NICU and our lives were changed even more.

The feelings I have when I think about her 21 days in the NICU are still so fresh in my mind, even after 2 1/2 years. We were in the dark most of the time when it came to her issue with hypoglycemia (that was resolved when she was 6 weeks old) which was really frustrating. I was pretty much like my daughter would be…fine one minute, crying the next, then fine again.

Over two years later, I’m amazed and so thankful and exhausted at how she’s such a free-spirited, sweet, animated and theatrical, and oh my gawd she never stops moving, ever entergetic little girl who is poking me in the back and saying in a whisper, mahmeee, mahmeee, mahmee as I write this.


It’s World Prematurity Day and while the hummingbird was born at 37 weeks, I know there are many of you who are celebrating your miracle babies. I was born about 6 weeks premature and weighed 4 pounds 4 ounces. I also had a congentital heart defect and my prognosis was grim….6 months tops to live.

Tricia who has her personal blog Stream Of The Conscious and writes for our awesome group website A Nervous Tic Motion wrote an absolutely beautiful post about her twin boys being born at 27 weeks. She also made a video of the time that they spent in the NICU so I would suggest having a box of tisues handy.

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Total Recall Sunday: Banging my head against a spike would be more fun.

I was going to call this “Repost Sunday” but thought total recall Sunday sounded cooler. I was looking through my older posts and got the idea to repost one every now and then.

In other words, I’m going to do this whenever I feel like a lazy ass. I wouldn’t say that’s what I am today. It’s more like I’m an extremely tired ass. Whenever the little hummingbird gets sick her whole schedule gets screwed up, especially her bedtime schedule.

When she’s sick I make exceptions and suffer through things like a few extra episodes of Caillou but I still try to keep her close to her normal schedule. My hubby lets he get away with anything as it is but when she’s sick…Oy!!

I tell him that if you just let her get away with something once, that’s all it takes but he says it won’t matter. Then when the hummingbird gets better and he expects her to fall back into her regular routine, guess what happens? Yep! Where’s Supernanny when you need her?!

So, it’s been a very long and tiring week trying to “re-train” her when it comes to her bedtime schedule and I’m wiped out.

I wrote this post last year at the end of July when we were moving from the D.C. area to Northern California. It took longer to drive across the country than we had expected and by the time we got here, I was surprised my hubby and I hadn’t killed one another.

The hummingbird was 15 months old at the time.


The hubby will be known as buttmunch for this post.

Cue the Law and Order music.


The buttmunch and I were packing and trying to get everything together since we were going to a hotel that night. I had the little girl’s things packed and went to get my things together. I asked my buttmunch if he could go downstairs and get some toys for the little girl.


Around 8pm that night we were on the way to the hotel and the buttmunch went back to the house to pack some more. Soon after, I put the little girl to bed. I called the buttmunch a few times to remind him what to bring back to the hotel.


The next morning my buttmunch went back to the house since the movers were coming, so it was just me and my daughter. After breakfast I went over to a box that the buttmunch brought and looked through it for toys.


There weren’t any there so I looked through a few bags. Not there. I looked through her bag, my bag, the buttmunch’s bag. Nada. I was starting to panic but before I went into freak out mode, I looked through EVERYTHING again. Nope.


It was raining outside and there wasn’t anything for her to play with inside. The little girl just had a few books I had packed in her bag and normally she loves to “read” her books. She must have smelled the fear on me because when I would give her a book, she would throw it on the ground and give me a bitch, please look.

Then she started to run around the room and whine. It was her special whine. The kind that makes me feel like my head is going to explode any minute.


I then called the buttmunch. When he answered I politely and in a very calm tone, and not at all yelling *coughnotcough*, told him that we didn’t have any toys at the hotel room. He couldn’t bring the toys by (and I didn’t have the car) since he was waiting for the movers and told me that I “had the stroller, so there was that“.

May I remind you that it was raining.




I found a pack of tic tacs that she grabbed at the store the day before. She wouldn’t let them go and chewed off most of the wrapper so they were ours for keeps. Those only amused her for a few minutes.

While the little girl was racing around the room, I sat on the couch dazed from the lack of caffeine. I contemplated dragging the both of us to the hotel lobby so I could get my hands on some coffee and the little girl could run around in a bigger space.

To get to the lobby we had to go outside and walk what seemed like a mile in the pouring rain, so I decided it was best to just stay in the room.


While I was twitching around from my caffeine withdrawal and a whiny toddler, I found two plastic spoons. I thought “Yay, she loves spoons!” A few seconds after giving her one, she dropped it on the nasty hotel room carpet. The same carpet that turned her white socks black within a few hours.

So I threw it away and gave her the second spoon. Same thing. Finally, I just let her start throwing things out of our bags onto the nasty carpet. The carpet Dateline NBC says is covered in fecal matter, salmonella, and sperm. I guess there are a lot of chickens that stay at hotels and have booty sex.

While the little girl was going through the bags, she struck gold. She found a Ziploc bag full of tampons, the ones that come in bright colors. She was entranced with my bag o’ tampons. The little girl started roaming around the room with the bag, shaking it and holding it above her head.

This kept her occupied for about 10 minutes. While she was playing with her new toy, I was looking through the bags again, not for toys but for anything resembling caffeine. No such luck.


After she got bored with the bag, I spent the next seven hours repeatedly singing the Elmo Duck Song, Elmo’s Song, and letting her play with my cell phone (which surprisingly still works). I also got quite a workout staying in a room that wasn’t child-proofed. Finally after one of the longest. days. ever. the buttmunch came back to the room.


Hmmm, what’s that sound? Is it me saying no sex for a week? Well, that’s nothing new.

*We’re still not in California. It has taken us forever to drive across the country and as of this morning we are in New Mexico, about an hour from Arizona. I finally got my hands on a new laptop (thanks to my sweet hubby, the buttmunch).

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Go Speed Racer, Go!

Since she started walking back in June, my little girl is like a hummingbird on crack. My head spins when I watch her race from room to room. I jump around constantly trying to keep her out of harms way and sometimes fail. My body contorts itself in ways I never thought possible. I feel like Linda Blair without the whole possessed by the Devil part although the hubby would probably beg to differ.

Peeing has become an Olympic sport for me. While I’m doing my business, my little girl will walk into the bathroom and stick her hand in the garbage. I take her hand out. She opens up the sink cabinet. I take my foot and close it. She’ll start closing the bathroom door on her fingers. I grab the door just in time. You get the picture. I’ve become a ninja of sorts. My little girl is so hyperkinetic.

It wasn’t too long ago that I would lay her down somewhere and she would, GASP, stay put. In her early months I would have trouble finding the time to take a shower, do laundry, or anything that would require me to take my eyes off of her for a second because oh my gawd what if I missed out on her doing something!! Ahem. I look back and see how much time I did have and think to myself why the hell didn’t I take advantage of it because now, that ship has sailed.

*A big thanks to Stesha for help with my link issue!

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