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My kid has learned to lay on the guilt. F***ck.

Not to offend or be politically incorrect (Actually I hate being politically correct, it’s called humor people!!! Get a fucking grip.), blah, blah blah… but I feel like I’m living with a tiny Jewish mother when it comes to my 5 year-old daughter.

Not that I have a Jewish mother and I don’t mean to stereotype, but as long as I’ve been on this earth, there have been countless times that I’ve heard that Jewish mothers have taken guilt to an art form.

Anyway…

What really stood out for me was when we had our camping trip a few weeks ago and the little hummingbird really layed the guilt on us. I felt like shit but at the same time, it was fucking hilarious to me. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there.

My husband was making a fire so we could roast some marshmallows for s’mores and to start the fire, he dug around in the backseat of the car for some paper. It was paper with drawings and such that the bird made at preschool.

Drawings that she forgot about that had been in the back of my car for months. Yes, I really need to clean my car. Desperately.

My daughter normally didn’t give a shit about these pictures and drawings but immediately grew an attachment to them when my husband picked them out to use for the fire. I get it, really I do, since I do the same but what followed almost made me pee myself.

As her sudden attachment to her pictures were burning in the fire, she layed on the guilt big time.

I’ll never forget it.

As she watched them burn, she stood by the fire with the most pitiful look on her face and said “Bye pictures, I’ll miss you.”

Really kid, REALLY?!

But it worked and the husband and I looked at each other and I knew we were thinking ” Holy hell, we are shitty parents.”

Of course, once we sat around the campfire together and made the delicious, gooey s’mores, the hummingbird quickly forgot her beloved artwork.

Since then, she has found that laying on the guilt works in her favor.

Damn it!

 What have your kids done to really lay on the guilt?

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Our little strawberry picker.

averystrawberry11

averys1ststrawberry11

*Soul One

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Church chat.

Me to the 5 year-old hummingbird: Do you want to give church a try on Sunday?

5 yo: What’s church?? Can I eat it?

Yeah, needless to say, we’re not religious.

*Parenting and Religion

*Get Down On Your Knees

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The preschool graduate.

psgrad44

 

At her graduation.

At her graduation.

 

What she wants to be when she grows up.

What she wants to be when she grows up.

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Mom! MOM? Watch this! Mom!

My 5 year-old is currently in a “MOM, Watch this!” stage. I give her as much of my attention as I can but if I so much as blink while she’s showing me something, I’ll be in big trouble.

Mom? MOOOOM? Watch this! Watch this, mom!

I’m watching!

*she stands on one foot*

I’ll be thinking “she screamed for me to come out of the bathroom after my shower and I’m dripping wet and all she wanted to show me was her standing on one foot?”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have any interest. But she yells out with such urgency that I don’t know what to expect. There’s also times when I’m not even quite sure what she’s trying to show me. Um, did my kid just drag me off of the toilet to see that she can stand perfectly still?

Once she shows me whatever it is, I clap and say YAY, and then it continues.

Mom! Watch this!

*she does a cartwheel*

My attention is slightly taken away when one of our cats comes racing through the room like a maniac and then disappears. Oh shit, I’m in trouble.

Mom, you weren’t watching! MOM, WATCH!

Okay, sweetie, okay.

*does the cartwheel again*

I clap and say Yay, good job, sweetie!

~~~~~

Mom! Mom? MOM?! Where are yooooou!

Upstairs!

Come down quick!

What is it?

You have to come down here!

Okay, give me a sec.

*goes downstairs*

Mom, watch!

I’m watching.

*she smiles with an orange slice in her mouth*

He he he, that’s cute. I need to go back up and finish drying my hair.

Wait, mom, wait! Watch this!

*she hops up and down*

Yay!

~~~~~

It’ll be the buttcrack of dawn. Mom, wake up, watch this, mom!

*she jumps up on the bed and body slams me*

MOM! You weren’t watching!

Sweetie, I wasn’t watching because I’m still asleep.

Well, watch me this time.

*jumps on the bed and body slams me again*

Okay, that’s enough. Can you get off me so I can use the bathroom?

No, I don’t want you to go. Watch this first! Mom? Mom! MOM? Watch this!

*jumps on the bed and then onto the floor*

Yay, okay, I’m going to pee myself if I don’t go to the bathroom.

~~~~~

As much as the “MOM, watch this!” stage can sometimes get on my last nerve, I’m enjoying it while I can. Before long, she’s going to be moody, hormonal, and sulky, and won’t want me to be around.

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The type A mom at gymnastics makes me want to hide in the corner, rock back and forth, and cover my ears as I yell La La La.

The little hummingbird started gymnastics a few months ago ago and during her very first class, there was a mom there that I found mildly annoying.

The classes are held in a small gym and there’s a waiting area with a few row of seats for the parents, and a step that goes up into the gymnastics area.

Type A mom sits front and center to watch her girls in the class and has a 2 year-old that she brings with her to the hour-long class that she for some reason expects to sit quietly during the entire time. I can barely sit still and be quiet the whole hour so her 2 year-old does a better job than I do.

For the first several classes, I tried to give Type A mom the benefit of the doubt and figured she was having an off day. But after spending about a dozen hours with her, I’ve found that she’s not so much a Type A mom as she is Kate Gosselin 2.0.

There are 2 young instructors teaching the gymnastics class along with the owner who I’ll call Chanandler Bong.

Despite the kids in the class being given instruction, Katie G just does not shut the fuck up. Ever. During the second class, she was riding her oldest daughter really hard. Her kid was on the parallel bars and Kate was yelling at her to keep her legs straight and DO BETTER!

At the end of the class, I come to find out that’s not even her kid. Oh, really Kate Gosselin 2.0. Really?

The hour-long class with her bullshit is mentally exhausting. She’s always yelling at her kids, including her 2 year-old, by their first and middle name and she even threatens to make them sit in the car.

It goes something like this…

Rachel! RACHEL GREEN! Sit down and watch your sisters! DO NOT get out of this chair again!

Phoebe! Phoebe! PHOEBE BUFFAY!! KEEP THOSE LEGS STRAIGHT! Phoebe?! Listen to me! If you don’t listen, I’m putting you IN THE CAR!

Rachel! RACHEL! Get off the step and SIT DOWN. Rachel, OFF THE STEP. Mr. Chanandler Bong doesn’t want you on the step. I will put you in the car until the class is over!

<Phoebe runs up and asks for some water> NO, you can’t have any. You need to practice your flips — AND KEEP THOSE LEGS STRAIGHT!

MONICA GELLER! Do that round off again! I want to see you DO BETTER! Monica! Monica! DO BETTER! KEEP THOSE LEGS STRAIGHT!

PHOEBE! YOU WILL GO SIT IN THE CAR THIS MINUTE IF YOU DON’T START LISTENING TO MR. CHANANDLER BONG!

This plays out for most of the class.

I roll my eyes so much, I may need to start taking motion sickness pills before each class.

I usually sit there, looking at her like I would Bigfoot –with What The Fuck curiosity and wishing I had a tranquilizer gun.

By the end of the class, she’s hemming and hawing about how difficult her kids are and how tiring this class is for her. Really, Kate, REALLY??!

I know from the rumblings in the class that other parents are also appalled by her behavior but I don’t think anyone really knows what to do about it.

Many times, I’ve been tempted to walk up to her and say “Excuse me, YOU go sit IN THE CAR!” Oh, how I wish I had the balls to do that.

Previously, I couldn’t understand when I would hear in the news about parents that get into shouting matches or even fist fights while at their kids extra-curricular activities but seeing the way Katie G is, now it makes a little more sense. If there were 2 of her in this class, I’m sure fists would fly from the competitiveness of the parents, not the kids.

On the up side, the little hummingbird is so fearless and rocks the class. She has such a natural athletic ability. I have a feeling this won’t be the last time I come across a parent like Katie G since the bird is looking forward to participating in other programs, like soccer.

Thankfully, this gymnastics class is almost over and I guarantee when I enroll the hummingbird in the next session, I will triple check to make sure that we don’t get in the same class that Kate “KEEP YOUR LEGS STRAIGHT AND DO BETTER!” Gosselin 2.0 will be in.

Have you ever spoken up to a parent over their behavior?

*Björk

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Our first Spring in Maine.

Springtime. The sun is shining. The weather’s nice. Flowers are blooming. There are baby animals everywhere. Motherfucking birds are chirping their little asses off. Black flies are out to get me. Ants are on a mission to take over my entire kitchen. It starts getting hotter and boob sweat is prevalent.

Ah, Springtime.

It’s actually one of my fave seasons and after our first winter in Maine, I’m welcoming it with open arms. Before I know it, Summer will be here and I’m not a fan. So, I’m enjoying my pre-Summer time.

I hope you’re enjoying it too.

springtime

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