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5!

I’m now the mother of a 5 year-old. Holy Shit! Where did the time go?

Happy Birthday, baby girl!

bday11

bday33

 

*age 3, age 4.

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Total Recall: When it comes to transitioning your child from a crib to a big bed, there are 2 perfect words to describe the experience. Oh and f*ck!

Published June 14, 2012

We really dragged our feet when it came to the hummingbird getting her big girl bed. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be but it also wasn’t a great transition.

Giving the then 2 year-old little hummingbird free reign to her room was terrifying to me. We took out most of her toys and even found latches so she couldn’t get into her sliding door closet.

Other than that, we just hoped she would sleep. It was a good few weeks when she really got the hang of it and would actually stay in bed on some nights.

Here are a few parenting essentials you’ll need when you’re outside your child’s door while they scream mmmoooooooooommmmmmmmyyyyyyy.

I may or may not have used some or all of these things. Ahem.

Nyquil is the midnight snack for moms the world over. During this transition, pre-order a case. While you’re telling your child over and over and over again to get back in bed, make it a drinking game. Every time you say GET. BACK. IN. BED. RIGHT. NOW., take a shot. You’ll be passed out in no time and won’t care that your kid won’t stay in bed. Problem solved!

Baby jail, or a security gate so they can’t get out of their room and cause havoc all over while you and the hubby are sleeping soundly.

An iPod is a must. Instead of hearing your child scream bloody murder, you can hear Trent Reznor do the same to music.

Calling your mom. There will probably be a time during this (and every other stage of childhood) when you will call your mom and tell her you’re child is broken and you want a new one. Okay I never said that (or maybe I did) but I have said countless times “this can’t be normal, can it?”.

A big, Costco size bottle of Xanax for obvious reasons.

There you go, you’re all set. Now, get that Nyquil bottle into position!

How did your child respond to the transition of a big bed? Was there lots of drinking? 

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Breaking ballet.

The almost 5 year-old little hummingbird decided she was done with ballet a while ago but still went to a few more classes. Her heart just didn’t seem into it and she’s been asking to start gymnastics, which she’ll begin on Tuesday.

When I was younger, I promised myself that if my kids weren’t happy with any extracurricular activities, I wasn’t going to push them to stay.

I kept my word but OMG, I love her ballet class and watching her dance with all the other little hummingbirds and her ballet teacher is the best and I already miss the little bird dressing up in her leotard and ballet tutu and going out for ice cream afterwards and I’ve been picturing her first ballet recital since she was still in utero and OMG, THE CUTE.

Ahem.

I’ll be okay. Really.

Does anyone have a tissue?

*Caught A Lite Sneeze

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Total Recall: If I Wanted To Be Verbally Attacked, I Wouldn’t Go To The Grocery Store. I Would Visit My MIL.

Published November, 9, 2010

It started off innocent enough. My husband, daughter, and I went to a commissary for groceries at a nearby base on Saturday. Before we went inside the store, my hubby was getting a pack of water and asked me what brand I wanted. We use reusable water bottles but still get bottled water at times.

He joked about getting a brand I don’t like (I know it’s just water but I can be picky) and I told him to get the other water. While this was going on, I noticed a woman standing behind us. There wasn’t room for her to pass since the entrance to the commissary was narrow. Then I realized she was waiting on my hubby so she could get some water.

When he got it in the cart, the woman walked up and told her teenage son to get a certain brand of water because the other one (the one we got) sucked since “they use less plastic and it’s crinkly sounding”. I felt like she was only saying that to be a bitch and was trying to start something with us. Then I shrugged it off and thought I was just jumping to conclusions. You would think I would have learned to trust my instincts by now.

Somehow she ended up getting in front of us. The commissary we go to checks for military ID and there was a woman on the left side and a man on the right checking as you’re walking into the store. My husband was pushing the cart and I was holding the little hummingbird.

There was an older man in front of us and the woman and he was slowly making his way onto a motorized scooter. So while we were standing there waiting, I told my hubby to wipe the cart down before we put our daughter in it. Out of nowhere this woman starts yelling at my hubby. “Stop pushing your cart into me!!! Can’t you watch where you’re going?!!! You keep running into me!!!” She kept going on and on. She said plenty of crazy gems but I’ve forgotten them since I waited to write this. Mommy brain.

The thing was, my hubby wasn’t even close to this crazy woman. If he had bumped into her, he would have said he was sorry but he was like 2 feet away from her. All we were doing was standing behind this mental case. My hubby and I don’t go walking around looking for fights and neither of us likes confrontation. I can be quite the talker once I get to know someone but I’m really shy and the hubs is super quiet.

The whole thing was so surreal and at first I thought I would just keep quiet and let my hubby take care of it. He kept on apologizing and said he never hit her and then she started bitching about how we seemed to “act like we owned the damn stack of water” when we were getting our pack. Holy fucking crap lady! That’s when I could no longer be quiet and I simply told her that my husband never hit her with the cart.

This must have been exactly what she wanted because then she really started freaking out on us. We were only a few feet into the grocery store and the ID checkers were just standing there. I was still holding my daughter so she was yelling at the both of us right in front of our 19 month old and in front of her teenage son. Fortunately the little girl wasn’t crying and was just staring at this crazy woman probably thinking “what the hell is your problem?”

People were looking and I just couldn’t even believe how psycho this woman was. I hear about these weird things that happen when it comes to dumb situations where the police are called and it had me worried that would be the case with this. This woman had long, over-bleached hair and while she was yelling and flipping out, it would sway back and forth. I would never do this but there were a few times when I had the urge to grab her hair and drop kick her.

Then a slew of four letter words were entering my mind and as much as I would have loved to lay some on her, I had the self-control she obviously lacked. That’s when 3 more words popped into my head. Words I have never used before despite my husband being in the military for 14 years. I thought it was fitting since here we were on a base at the commissary so as she started to walk away, still yelling at us, I told her God Bless America!

You can only imagine how much she loved me saying that. She turned back around to continue her yelling that had been going on for several minutes. Then she started walking off again and as she was going into the produce section, she called me a bitch. And I thought going to visit my MIL was going to be the most terrifying thing this month.

Surprisingly, I was able to get a picture of this crazy woman.

 

What’s one of the craziest situations you’ve experienced with a stranger?

*Rootless Tree

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Bad mommy moment

4 yo hummingbird: What’s wrong, mommy?

me: There’s a butthead in front of me that’s going under the speed limit.

4 yo: Which one’s the butthead?

me: The one in the red truck. He’s been going really slow for miles now on the highway. I think he’s beyond a butthead. He’s an asshole.

4 yo: An asshole?

me: Uh huh.

4 yo: A fucking asshole?

me: Actually, yes. Yes, he is.

Bad, bad mommy!

What’s your “bad” parenting moment this week?

*Spare-Ohs

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What Spring?

The 4 1/2 yo little hummingbird was PISSED when she woke up this morning on the first day of Spring. She was expecting the sun to be shining, flowers in bloom, and birds chirping.

All she got were clouds, snow on the ground, and rain. Her little tirade had me in giggles. Mostly because she included “Well, shit!”.

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Total Recall: I could never be a pediatric dentist because I’d probably end up fingerless and have to hold my dental instruments with my feet but nobody would want to go to a fingerless dentist so really I’m saving money and years of having to go to dental school.

Thank you all for your emails and comments. I will try to get back to all of you soon.

I’m so raw and feel like someone’s torturing me with non-stop episodes of LazyTown aka I’m in the depths of hell. I decided I’d hate to leave my blog with nothing so I’ll be doing some “Total Recall” posts that I used to do. Posts that I’ve already published. Even though I keep telling myself to give up writing all together, I’ll be back soon.

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Published June 27, 2011

We took the little hummingbird to the dentist a few weeks ago. I’ve heard some people say your kid needs a check-up at 1, some have said 3, some say not until they start school. Oy, it’s so confusing. She was born with a tooth, yeah it was a little creepy, and we’ve noticed that since she was getting her other teeth in, the one she was born with started receding into her gums and was looking kind of funky.

The day she was born, she had her tooth checked out by a pediatric dentist from the hospital. A few of the nurses were saying the tooth will probably need to be pulled and since I was like wha? nuh uh!, they had the dentist come and check it out and he said it was a real tooth that didn’t need to be pulled and to just leave it alone. Whew!

She had her 2nd BIRTHDAY!! back in April and my hubby and I were thinking she should go see a pediatric dentist soon which meant that we put it off since we’re totally responsible like that. Then the tooth that she was born with went MIA.

The hummingbird doesn’t really let us get near her mouth and since keeping my fingers is really important to me, I have to get creative and tickle her while holding her upside down or make animal sounds so she’ll mimic me and that’s when I was able to have .002 seconds to look in her mouth and see that nope, that tooth wasn’t there.

Since I am now a not at all total professional when it comes to taking my daughter to the dentist, here are my not at all professional thoughts and insights (?) when it comes to dealing with kids and dentistry.

If you follow these 30 really long steps, you too can be a not at all professional when it comes to taking your toddler to the dentist.

1. Have your husband make the dentist appointment. Soon your darling little girl (or boy) will be an angsty tween/teen who blames you for all of their problems. It will come in handy to be able to say You may be mad at me for embarrassing you in front of your friends by dropping you off at school in my pajamas BUT your father is the one that made your first dentist appointment.

2. The night after your husband has made the appointment, while you try to get your 2-year-old to brush their teeth, you’ll be thinking I am so glad I’m not a pediatric dentist because they are screwed.

3. You will also start thinking Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

4. Then you’ll be thinking how she freaked out when it came to taking her to see the Easter Bunny and get all panicky with thoughts of going to the dentist and finding out they have a thing for bunnies.

5. When you and your husband are in bed later that night, you’ll make the mistake of telling him about the dentist having a bunny themed office as well as saying Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

6. He’ll then ask if you have any anti-anxiety meds left and if you do you should take one. Then he’ll say our little girl is only going to the dentist and it’s unlikely they’ll have a bunny theme, particularly creepy Easter Bunnies.

7. You normally check on your sleeping daughter a few hundred times a night but you add another hundred because not only is your child at their cutest when they’re finally sleeping after a 2 hour bedtime battle, you think Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

8. After going back to your bedroom, you find that your husband has also become so worried about it and that’s why he’s asleep.

9. You start thinking how worried you were when you took your little one to your hairdresser for their first haircut and even though you prepared for the worst, your child didn’t freak out at all and did really well because she liked your hairdresser.

10. You then start thinking that even though your hairdresser moved hours away down to San Diego, maybe she does dentistry on the side but she just didn’t get a chance to tell you about it because the two of you were too consumed with talking about crazy in-laws and celebrity gossip.

11. You kick your husband in the leg for snoring because he ripped the mask from his CPAP machine off his face. Finally you go to sleep and dream about you and Mark Ruffalo in Hawaii.

12. Hold on a minute….still dreaming.

13. You wake up the day of THE appointment and you have those first few blissful minutes where you don’t worry about anything. Then it hits you and you think f#@!.

14. You get your daughter out of bed and find that she Houdini’d her way out of her footie pajamas and her diaper. She’s sitting in her crib buck naked with the biggest smile on her face.

15. Since you feel so guilty and are pretty sure your little girl will freak out at the dentist, you let her watch as much Caillou as possible, hoping she won’t notice that you’re stressing.

16. While your child is in their Caillou or other completely annoying kids show trance, you decide this is the perfect time to get a quick shower.

17. When walking out of the bathroom, you see that your child is buck naked on your bed watching Caillou and starts laughing when she sees you laughing. You try not to laugh too hard since you’re just wearing a towel and don’t want to pee yourself. There’s no time to take another quick shower and you don’t want to go to the dentist smelling like pee but if you have to end up doing that, blame it on your 2-year-old and just say they had a leaky diaper.

Also check to see if your daughter peed the bed. You just washed the sheets and blankets the day before and feel relieved that she didn’t relieve herself on the bed because the last thing you want to do is wash everything again.

18. Have your husband go with you to the pediatric dentist because Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me.

19. On the way there you start freaking out and your hubby suggests once you get to the dentist, maybe it would be better if you stay in the waiting room or better yet, the car.

20. Give him the look of death and remind him since you’re sure he’s forgotten that Oh my gawd, my baby is going to the dentist and she will never forgive me and I have to be with her.

21. Start trying to get out of taking your little one to the dentist. You see a few Mexican restaurants and suggest going there instead. You can get your 2-year-old a crunchy taco and you rationalize to your husband that having her eat the hard taco shell would be just as good for her teeth as whatever the dentist is going to do.

22. Your hubby gives you the your crazy look and you’re pretty sure he’ll tie you up and lock you in the car so you don’t scare the other patients at the possibly bunny themed dentist office.

23. When he’s only halfway pulled into the parking space, hop out of the car so you can screw up his plans.

24. While you’re in the waiting room, give your hummingbird as many hugs and kisses as they’ll allow. Feel some relief that you don’t see anything having to do with bunnies so far.

25. After waiting for what seems like forever, you’re called back and think f*ck, here we go.

26. You were worried that the dentist wouldn’t be able to get your little hummingbird’s mouth open. Your little one ends up screaming their head off so the dentist is able to get a good look at their teeth. It absolutely kills you to see your little babe scared and screaming so while your hubby holds your little girl, you go over and sit down in a chair before you faint.

27. Finally the torture for the both of you is over and the dentist is really awesome with your little girl. You wish she did adult dentistry and tell your hubby later that you wish she could be your primary doctor. The dentist lets you know that the tooth your baby was born with is definitely gone but other than that, everything looks fine.

She asks if you floss your 2-year-old’s teeth and both you and your hubby laugh out loud and then realize she’s being serious. You give her a smile and tell her you’ll try in a few years and after you can get your toddler to brush their teeth without having them throw their toothbrush across the bathroom every time.

28. You leave the dentist and want to spoil your poor little girl who still has tears in her eyes.

29. You don’t normally let her have much sugar but decide going to get a cookies and cream milkshake is in order. You and your hubby will be drinking most of it anyway.

30. On the way home, mention to your hubby again about stopping to get some crunchy tacos so the hummingbird can clean her teeth with the hard taco shell after the milkshake. Plus you’re really craving tacos but your buttmunch hubby doesn’t stop.

Happy brushing!

*I think I’ve watched this a few hundred times in the last few days. Music helps the soul.

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