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Being Baby: Zombies Are More Rested Than You’ll Be

The little hummingbird will be turning 6 next month. 6!! So, recently I’ve been thinking more about my past experiences with her and each stage she’s gone through up until now.

Did I mention she’ll be 6 soon? 6! What the hell?! The time really does go by way too fast. Although, at the same time, it can feel like it’s going by way. too. slow.

Then BAM! Your kid seems to grow overnight.

Babyhood – Looking back, I wish I paid much more attention. Or maybe it’s the exhaustion that makes this age a blur. I wish I wasn’t so hard on myself and the fact that I always compared myself to other moms.

The new mothers that would say motherhood is “the best thing ever” while I would have plenty of moments where I would cry or feel depressed and overwhelmed.

The new mothers that seemed to make it look so easy and effortless while I was frazzled.

No matter how much I tried to prepare myself when it came to being a parent, in reality it was learning as I go. It’s still like that and probably always will be.

Once you feel like you have this shit down, the fruit of your loins won’t get the memo and will change things up no matter how old they are.

Your baby is sleeping through the night? Maybe not in a few weeks.

Your baby loves a specific food? Ha! That may be all they want but out of nowhere, they’ll be like nope, no way, not gonna eat it.

Sleep – Zombies are more alert than parents who have a newborn.

Sanity – You’re running on adrenaline and have every single emotion there is. Sanity is unlikely at this age.

Lows – Being sleep-deprived, not sleeping, lack of sleep, crazy hormones.

Highs – Having it sink in that you created a little human, the love that develops, the first smile, the first everything.

Unwanted advice that made me want to stab everyone that would tell me this – “Sleep when the baby sleeps.” Much easier said than done. When my child would actually sleep, I had shit to do. Things like endless laundry, trying to finally eat at the end of the day as fast as possible and discovering that I can shove half an El Monterey bean and cheese burrito in my mouth. Taking a fast shower. Staring at my newborn while she slept, despite having shit to do. Being able to have 5 seconds to pee.

This age was a lot harder for me than I thought it would be. Being in charge of a tiny, helpless baby can be stressful and you may feel like it won’t get easier. Okay, so it may never be easy but they grow and as cliché as this is, you learn to expect the unexpected.

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10 More Signs That You Have A Little Girl

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Little girls seem to have a superpower. They can turn you into a puddle with their sweet, little voice which can cause the inability for you to say no. Your house may look like a stuffed animal, princess dress, and Hello Kitty factory blew up. Check out part one here.

10. Glitter – I banned glitter from the house while my 5 year-old was still in utero. Yet, glitter seems to appear out of nowhere.

9. Band-aids and stickers – You will see things tagged around the house with these items. Whether it’s her stuffed animals to my hair shine spray. There is currently a snowman sticker staring at me on the wall by the office door.

8. Tutus – Your little girl may acquire a crazy amount of tutus like mine. They take up two of her dresser drawers and that’s still not enough room.

7. Princess clothing – Before motherhood, I wasn’t going to let my kid be a walking billboard for Disney princesses or any other cartoon character. Ha! Little girls just like little boys I’m sure, will somehow sucker you into buying some hot at the moment cartoon character clothing item. It can include t-shirts, dresses, shoes, socks, etc.

6. You usually have missing couch cushions because hello, pillow forts – Once your child reaches a certain age, you will probably have a few, if not all, couch cushions missing most of the time for their fort.

5. Dad’s a boy… yuck – Your daughter may have her dad wrapped around her finger but soon she’ll understand that he’s a stinky, loud, gross boy like the ones in her kindergarten class. Ewww.

4. Princess dress up – Despite having a princess dress for every day of the week, it still won’t be enough for your little girl. You or your husband are also bound to accidentally step on and break a tiara and will have to endure the drama of the incident that only little girls can bring.

3. Tea parties – I don’t care who you are, you have to stop everything and drink your daughter’s pretend strawberry surprise tea and fake chocolate chip cookies with rainbow sprinkles.

2. You need the same color cups and dishware on hand – When your little girl has play dates at your house, save the trouble and your sanity by having the same color or design. If not, you may have an intense stand-off over who gets the “Elsa blue” cup or the polka-dot plate. Trust.

1. She’s your sweet girl one minute and a kid with major attitude the next minute – No matter how well-mannered and sweet your child is, they can turn into whiny, foot stomping, door slamming little monsters in the blink of an eye and you’ll wonder what happened to your adorable child while also thinking you may need to have an exorcism for them.

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My Therapist Is On Vacation For The Next Two Weeks. I Apologize In Advance.

I was at Target and as usual, bought much more than I planned to. You go to Target for a bottle of shampoo and end up spending $200.

After getting the things I needed, I got the hummingbird some new clothes, My Little Pony socks, and a freaking Frozen comforter. For no reason whatsoever! We give her treats occasionally for doing well in school, keeping her room clean for a week (that lasted less than a day), putting her plate in the sink, etc.

But I’ve been noticing that it’s been happening more often and I realize that I’m spoiling her and need to stop this shit.

I started to wonder if it’s because she’s an only child and I’m trying to overcompensate? Or parents of more than one child can indulge their kids too and it doesn’t matter if you have 1 kid or 4.

The other part of it is spoiling the hummingbird came more often after we lost Ben. At the time, I was so far off in my head and emotionally wasn’t there like I should have been. That’s when the treats started to become more frequent. My husband has been doing the same thing since.

I know the only way to solve this is to quit buying all this crap I’m spoiling her with. It’s one of those things that’s easier said than done though. But I really need to come up with some boundaries.

Do you treat your kids? How often? Is it only for special occasions or can it be random?

*I’ve read this back and it might not make any sense. I just don’t want to raise a spoiled brat. So, I wanted to know if you do the same with treats or if I should put the brakes on it, etc.

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Kids Have No Filter

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Kids love to tell the truth, the more brutal, the better. Kids will most certainly keep your ego in check… and possibly embarrass the hell out of you.

After putting my daughter to bed…

5 yo: Will you tell me if you’re going downstairs?

Me: I always do. You know, you don’t need to tell me that every night.

5 yo: I know. But you’re old and might forget.

~~~~~

When I made spinach and goat cheese quiche last week.

Her: Mom… this really doesn’t look good.

Her: And it smells like cat puke.

~~~~~

Standing in line at Target.

Her: Mom, that lady looks like a grandma (the next lane over).

Me: She does.

Her: Is she the grandma you called an asshole for driving so slow?

Me: Well, umm, she might be.

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How To Shave Your Legs When You’re A Mom

Some of my shower mates that are never this neatly arranged.

Some of my shower mates that are never this neatly arranged.

Step 1: Make sure to put a load of laundry in the washer first. That way, while in the shower, the water pressure and temperature will make for a totally unpredictable and fun showering experience.

Step 2: Less than a minute after you’ve stepped into the shower, your child barges into the bathroom to let you know they are bored.

Step 3: Tell them to give you 5 minutes and you’ll be right out.

Step 4: They answer back with “How long is 5 minutes, mom?”

Step 5: While washing your hair like your arms are on speed, reply with “It’s about the same amount of time that it takes you to use the bathroom, wash your hands, and brush your hair.”

Step 6: Finally alone again, while blinded by shampoo dripping down your face, you step on something hard.

Step 7: When you can see again, you realize what you stepped on is a little, plastic Cinderella. The Cinderella you bought for your 5 year-old at Target because they have them perfectly placed by the check out, on the lowest shelf for little eyes to spot.

Step 8: Pick up the overpriced, plastic Cinderella and try to find a spot to place it on the tub which is crowded with an assortment of several bath toys even though you have a toy mesh bag to hold said toys.

Step 9: Your child comes into the bathroom again, whining that they are SO HUNGRY and need a snack right now. They emphasize this with a few foot stomps.

Step 10: Tell them you’ll be just a few more minutes but if they need a snack right this instant, there is a box of crackers on the kitchen counter.

Step 11: Grab your razor from the shower rack hanging on the shower head. Have the shower rack slide down and almost hit you in the face while you have a mini heart attack.

Step 12: Curse your husband under your breath because you asked him a year ago to fix the shower rack so it doesn’t fall down every single time you shower.

Step 13: Try to find a place to put your foot up on the tub so you can quickly shave your legs.

Step 14: Have your child come in again and let you know they don’t like the crackers that are on the counter and they want sliced apples and peanut butter instead.

Step 15: Tell them that you’ll be just a few more minutes.

Step 16: They tell you it’s already been a few minutes.

Step 17: “Sweetie, I would have been done by now if you would just let mommy hurry up and finish”. This is one of those times where using “sweetie” translates to “Holy fucking hell, kid. My precious child, you’re being a pain in my ass”.

Step 18: Alone again, you can’t find a place to put your foot onto the tub because it’s covered in bath toys but you do find a little spot where you can put a tiny bit of your big toe on. Good enough.

Step 19: Try to balance yourself while putting shaving cream on your legs and holding a sharp razor.

Step 20: Do the “baby deer walking on ice” wobble while trying to maintain your balance when shaving.

Step 21: Have your child come in and say in the sweetest voice “Mommy?” You yell out “WHAT?” 5 year-old: “I made you this.” You can’t see what it is but quickly say “Okay, thanks, be out in a minute!”

Step 22: Wait… did I shave my armpits?

Step 23: Where did I set down the shaving cream?

Step 24: While turning around in the shower to find the shaving cream, step on something squishy and have another mini heart attack. It’s a blue octopus that squirts water out of its mouth.

Step 25: Yay, you’re done shaving.

Step 26: Get out of the shower and find that your child made you a picture of a heart that says “I love you, mom.”

Step 27: Feel ALL the feels, especially the guilt of getting annoyed with your kid because you just wanted a few minutes to shave your legs since you could actually feel the hair on your legs blow around while walking and you could not wait another day to shave but then your child made it nearly impossible to do it and now you feel like shit for raising your voice at them because they made you such a sweet picture and why in the hell don’t they ever bother their father like this when HE is taking a shower?!

Step 28: Go find your child, give them a big hug and kiss, and thank them for the picture they drew for you.

Step 29: Back in the bathroom, get out the lotion to moisturize you newly shaved legs.

Step 30: Find a patch of hair that was never touched by your razor, probably for a good month, on the back of your left leg.

Step 31: Fuck.

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Just Eat Your Damn Dinner

a0721fa704838a78d19b5dcd5f443007My daughter is a tiny girl with a little appetite. Every once in a while she’ll chow down but it’s not often. She always, always, always has some reason why she won’t eat (as do many kids) and it drives me mad. She’ll come home from Kindergarten, say she’s STARVING, and will take just a few bites of her snack before she says she can’t eat another bite.

Then, an hour before dinner, I usually hear: Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry. Well, you should have eaten your snack. But, I wasn’t that hungry then. It will be dinner soon. You’ll have to wait until then. But mooom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry. Mom, I’m hungry.

Finally, dinner will come and again, she’ll use every excuse in the book to not eat. The hummingbird is currently in a phase where every little scratch or bump is a major medical emergency so she’s been using those reasons a lot. There are many times when I want to scream JUST EAT!

I kind of feel like a hostage negotiator.

Me: Eat three more bites.

Hummingbird: How about one?

Me: No, three and then you can have a little treat.

Hummingbird: Can I still have a treat if I eat two more bites?

Me: No.

Hummingbird: But my tummy’s full.

Me: Then I guess you don’t have any room in there for a treat.

Hummingbird: How about one big bite?

Me: No. How about if you just take two more bites?

Hummingbird: But I just took a bite. Does that count?

Me: No. Two more bites.

Hummingbird: But then that will be three bites because I just had one.

Me: *Head Explodes*

Reasons My Kid Won’t Eat

10. I’ve got a scratch on my pinky and need a band-aid. Now, it hurts too much to pick up my fork.

9. I’m too tired.

8. I banged my foot on the stairs and broke my ankle.

7. My tummy’s tired.

6. I poked my finger in my eye and need ice.

5. Do you want a hot dog for dinner? Yes! Are you sure? Yes! Will you eat it? Yes! Sets her plate down. I don’t want a hot dog anymore. My tummy changed its mind.

4. I can’t eat because my leg hurts when I bend it. I think I broke my knee. Well, then don’t bend your leg. But I need a band-aid to make it feel better.

3. I didn’t want that plate.

2. I’m too cold to eat. Go put on a jacket. *Runs upstairs and comes back down a few minutes later in a whole new outfit… minus the jacket.* I’m still cold. Yes, because you forgot your jacket. Oh. *Puts on jacket.* Now I’m too hot.

1. I hurt the blood vessels in my foot.

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Princess Rap Battle

Having a 5 year-old daughter who loves anything to do with princesses can be trying at times. I mean, just how many tiaras and sparkly princess shit does a girl need? Apparently, lots.

But spoofs like this help cancel out all of the times I’ve had to hear Let It Go. Well, that and wine.

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