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When You Go Out Of Your Way To Make A Nice Meal For Your Family And They Kind Of End Up Being A**holes About It.

1350591749695_7822193*I’m still sick and I have to say, I am the biggest pussy ever when it comes to having a cold. It definitely makes you see just how good you have it when you’re healthy.

Last week, when I was in my “pre-sick” stage, I wanted to make a nice dinner for my husband and the little hummingbird. It’s also the day that I made the incredibly orgasmic mini salted caramel apple pies.

Even though we’re a family of 3, it’s such a pain in the ass to get everyone on the same page when it comes to agreeing on what to make for a meal. Okay, actually I need to take that back. My husband will eat anything. Even some of the most horrible, OMG, what the fuck went wrong meals I’ve made over the years.

It’s my 5 year-old daughter who is picky, picky, picky.

Here’s where I have to say I for the most part ate pretty much everything my mom made. She was a single mom for many years and we had several meals of those cheap pot pies. She did the best that she could to feed us so I absolutely appreciate her efforts.

Come to think of it, I was probably more of a whiny little kid when it came to the food we had but I did my best to eat what she was able to afford.

Anyway, as a parent, there is probably at least one time, if not more, where you make a nice dinner for your family and go out of your way to cover all of the different tastes for them. It’s a pain in the ass but damn it, you want everyone to sit down, have a nice dinner, and not bitch and complain.

This particular night did not go as planned. Of course it didn’t. Fuckity fuck!

It may not seem like a fabulous dinner but I made buffalo macaroni and cheese. The perfect comfort food. So delicious and kid friendly. I even made a special casserole dish of it for the hummingbird.

I was running an hour behind though and everyone was bitchy by the time I was able to serve it up.

I was also bitchy and a total asshole to my husband because while preparing this meal, I realized that while I went to the store earlier, I forgot to get half and half. Fuck!

Then I flipped the hell out and sent my poor husband to the quick mart down the road. He was trying to be helpful and offer alternatives but I was all like NO! I FUCKING NEED THIS FUCKING HALF AND HALF, FUCKING FUCK!

Not one of my proudest moments… obviously.

I finally get this dinner in order and on the table. But did my family appreciate it? Hell no!

My hubby chowed down without breathing because he was so damn hungry and my daughter whined and said she didn’t like it. She wanted me to make Kraft mac n’ cheese instead.

And I had to get up multiple times for my daughter. “Can you please get me a napkin, mom? I wanted juice instead. I dropped my fork, can you get another one? My food is cold now, can you microwave it? Now my food is too hot and I can’t eat it. I don’t like this. Can I have something else?”

OMG! Really, people? REALLY?!

So, I sat there and cried. I totally lost it and cried while thinking fuck this shit.

I sat on the couch and cursed my family under my breath while my husband and daughter happily played together after dinner.

But then, I kinda sorta pulled it together and we had those delicious apple pies for dessert.

And all was finally good again.

Because mmmm, pie!

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Trying To Explain What A Ninja Is To My 5 Year-Old Is Harder Than I Thought… Even With Reenactments.

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So, the title started out as a tweet and a status update on Facebook. But then I started thinking of all the times I need to explain what words mean to the hummingbird.

Needless to say, kids are expert question people. As they should be. But at the same time, I mostly feel like the dumbest person on the planet when I try to explain things to my daughter.

It’s exactly like assignments I would get every now and then while in school. With the teacher saying you need to write a paper explaining a specific topic as if nobody else in the room knew anything about it.

I would think “I’m so glad school won’t last forever so I don’t have to do these kind of things!”

Then I had a kid.

Why the hell isn’t this in What To Expect?!

Chapter 14: When Your Child Asks You A Question And You Don’t Know What The Fuck To Say.

Step 1: Tell them to go ask their father, neighbor, best friend, cat, wild raccoon in the backyard, etc.

Step 2: If that fails, offer them a cookie so you can divert their attention away from a question that will take days to explain, complete with charts, graphs, reenactments, more explaining, and several bottles of wine.

Get with it, baby book people!

Somehow, the word ninja came up in conversation and the hummingbird asked what that meant.

Uhhhh. Ummm. Well…

Ninja means someone is a… ummm, uhhh.

The way I tried to explain what a ninja was to my daughter caused her to have more questions and that’s when I pulled out some moves.

I started punching the air with my fists and doing high kicks.

I could only imagine how I looked.

There was another time recently when I gave my daughter some pirate’s booty for a snack. She said they seemed weird so I tasted one and told her they’re stale. I didn’t think anything of it.

She was quiet for a minute and then asked me what stale means. That led me to ramble on about what stale is and I even threw in how mostly crackers and bread can get stale but food in the freezer can go stale in a different way and get freezer burn.

That led to even more questions and it was the longest 15 minute car ride ever!

I don’t always know how to explain things to her and when I do, it leads to more questions and I’m sure I overload her with all kinds of information.

Then, there are those awkward times when you aren’t quite sure how to approach a matter with your child. It can be easy to forget their innocence.

As I kissed her goodnight and was about to leave my 5 year-old’s room, she asked me how a baby gets into a mom’s belly.

Uhhh. Ummm. Well…

I was taken by surprise and said when 2 people want a child, a baby grows in the mom’s tummy. She knew I was leaving something out and had a sly look on her face when she asked “So, a baby just crawls into a mom’s belly?”

I said yes. Mostly because it was late and wasn’t at all prepared to talk about sex. But that’s what ended up happening. A very strange and awkward conversation about how babies are made.

Something I thought, when the time came, I would explain in a clear manner but ended up sounding like Porky Pig.

She was still full of questions and that’s when I pulled the “Why don’t you wait and ask your dad those questions tomorrow.”

By the next day, it was forgotten so my husband escaped the topic but I’m sure when it comes up again, I’ll be the one she asks.

And then I will refer her to the wild raccoons that roam in our backyard at night. They would probably make more sense explaining these kinds of things to my kid anyway.

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Tooth Fairy Drama And Other Mythical Tales

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The hummingbird lost her first tooth last summer when she was 4. She was understandably in pain and feeling miserable. But not as miserable as she was after we told her the tooth fairy was coming and would leave her a present.

I don’t remember ever fearing the tooth fairy but it was mostly because I would get money. Sure, it was only 50 cents or even a dollar but I felt like I had hit the jackpot.

The hummingbird, however, was anything but excited about getting a present from the tooth fairy. I get that a fairy coming into your house at night while you’re sleeping is pretty damn creepy so my husband and I tried to calm her down.

But she would not go to sleep, in fear for her life over the dreaded tooth fairy.

That’s when the whole tag team parenting thing went into effect. Where you and your spouse start pulling things out of your ass and work with each other, trying to come up with anything to calm your kid down. Or whatever the situation may require.

I told my 4 year-old that I would call the tooth fairy to let them know they weren’t needed that night. That didn’t work so I said I’ll call the tooth fairy and she can speak to him herself.

I repeated to her that she can personally speak to the tooth fairy and that’s when my husband caught on and suddenly, he had to make a trip to the bathroom.

So, the hummingbird was able to talk to the tooth fairy aka the hubby in a really high voice on the phone, and she seemed to relax.

As soon as we tucked her into bed for the 3rd or 4th time that night, we were ready to pat ourselves on the back. We felt like we rocked this parenting thing.

Before we could even sit down in the other room, she came out and was still scared as hell about the freaking tooth fairy. It was a very long night.

The next day, I told her we struck a deal with the tooth fairy and she was able to go to the toy store to pick out something. I figured she had the reaction she had because she was still so young.

She recently lost another tooth and holy hell, the tooth fairy drama came back in full force. I reassured her that he wouldn’t come to the house, bribed her so she would go to sleep, begged her to go to sleep, and then she got her way and slept in our room despite calling and emailing the tooth fairy that night.

But she was still terrified and since my husband had to run to the store anyway, we told her that he was meeting up with the tooth fairy to collect her present.

Later on, I basically told my husband “fuck this tooth fairy stuff”, we need to tell her that they don’t exist.

It’s one thing if your kid enjoys it but needless to say, the hummingbird was not that kid.

At first she was confused but I think she got it. She knew that parents are really the tooth fairy. I had to also be sure to let her know that she needs to be careful and not let other kids know. That this is something they will find out on their own later on.

When she asked if the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus were real, I assured her that they were. I felt like shit but didn’t want to burst the bubble for my 5 year-old.

I figure there is always that one asshole kid you have in your class while growing up that spills all those things and ruins it for the other kids. I remember the dickhead in 2nd grade who told all the kids in the class that Santa Claus wasn’t real.

While I loved Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny was actually my favorite when I was a kid.

I love the pretty clothes, Easter egg hunts, fluffy stuffed bunnies, not having to write out all of those holiday cards, coloring eggs, and most importantly, those orgasmic peanut butter cup shaped eggs and Cadbury chocolate eggs. Although, I could do without eating so many eggs because everyone in the house end up having smelly egg farts. Don’t light a match!

When I was about 6, a tragic chain of events occurred and scarred me forever when it came to the Easter Bunny.

Okay, not really, but damn it, I still want to believe that there really IS an Easter Bunny that hops around, spreading chocolate joy and sugar highs to many kids and adults.

So, one night I was in bed and supposed to be asleep. At the time, my mom was single and worked a few jobs. My grandmother lived with us and was watching me that night.

I set out a few carrots for the Easter Bunny and could not wait until the next morning. My excitement kept me up late. That’s when I heard my mom coming home from work.

My mom and grandmother were talking about different things and I was finally feeling sleepy. As I was lying there half asleep, I heard my mom talking about the Easter Bunny.

That’s when it happened.

I heard my mom crunching on a carrot.

OH MY GOD!!!

NOOOO!

At first I thought that was so mean of her to eat the Easter Bunny’s carrot but as I heard more of the conversation she was having with my grandmother, I found that my beloved bunny wasn’t real after all.

I thought about freaking her out by running down the hall into the living room and catching her in the act. Oh, how glorious that would have been.

Instead, I decided to just go along with it because it seemed to make her happy.

Mostly though, in my kid state of mind, I was afraid if I did say something, all of that candy I would get every year would stop.

Hmmm, now that I think about it, maybe this is why my husband drives me crazy every time I hear him crunching on carrots.

When did you or your kids find out the truth about these tall tales? How did you or they find out?

*You’re The One That I Want

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MakeUp

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The other night I was getting ready to go out and the 5 year-old hummingbird was watching me put on makeup. I hate wearing it and as soon as I can, I like to take it off. So, she doesn’t normally see me in it that often.

Hummingbird: Wow, you look so pretty.

Me: Thanks!

Hummingbird: How did you get your lips so red?

Me: Lipstick.

Hummingbird: I like it! Really, really like it!

Me: Thank you!

Hummingbird: Why don’t you normally look like this?

Me: Um, well, I don’t really like to wear makeup. But maybe I should start wearing it more.

Hummingbird: You should. You look so much better!

Me: Next time, I’ll put on a little more.

Hummingbird: Okay.

Hummingbird: Mom?

Me: Yes?

Hummingbird: Can you put on more now? Please? You look better with it.

Leave it to kids to be so honest!

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Kindergarten Hummingbird

Her first day of Kindergarten has finally arrived. Yes, I cried. I was fine… mostly… this morning. But when the school bus got here and when it was her turn to walk up the steps, the little bird looked up at me as if to say “Screw this, mom!”

After I took her hand to get her on the bus and as it drove away, I wanted to yell “OH MY GOD, MY BABY IS ON THE BUS!!” as I fell to my knees and shook my fists at the sky.

You know, for the full effect.

So, of course we had to go outside while the husband and I took a zillion photos of this first day.

Hold it together! Hold it together! Don’t cry!

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Comic relief. Her backpack is bigger than her!

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Aaaand there goes the hummingbird. Thankfully, I had a therapy appointment right after so I could sob, whine, and babble about my baby growing up… Oh wait, whining and babbling is what I do on my blog too!

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Then I had a shit load of errands to run and her soccer practice that we had to go to after she got home from school. I thought once she starts school, I would have more time. Ha!

I wanted to do something special for her when she got off the bus so I got some flowers for her… she looks less than thrilled.

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Holy hell, this new schedule is such an adjustment. And she has her first soccer game this weekend. And her gymnastics class starts soon! Agghh! Fingers crossed that we don’t get in the same class as Kate Gosselin 2.0 like last time.

How have you been adjusting to school starting for your kids? Are you a new Kindergarten parent like me? Do I need to stock up on more alcohol and chocolate from all of these crazy new happenings in our schedule?

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A Mom’s View: What Happened To My Bathtub?

As I took a shower yesterday, I went to shave my legs but when I lifted one of my legs up, I knocked over a small bucket containing a few squeaky ducks, some kind of small fish that squirted water, and a fake orange wtf from my daughter’s play kitchen.

That’s when I started thinking. What the hell happened to my bathtub?!

Pre-hummingbird, I would indulge in long, hot showers. Oh, those were the days. Or the occasional relaxing bath complete with an inflatable bath pillow, a loofah brush, soft music, and lit vanilla candles on the bathroom counter. Maybe even a glass of wine.

Post-hummingbird, I’m inundated with squeaky ducks, toy cars, and even snorkeling gear. Because every kid, or at least my kid, can’t seem to have a bath without it.

Now, I do quick showers while the hummingbird yells out Mom… Mom? Where is my Hello Kitty shirt? I want to dress up like Elsa but can’t find my blue dress. Can you give me a braid ? I pooped, can you help me wipe my butt? MOM! Are you almost done???

That’s when I thought, you know what? I’m going to show you a mom’s view of the crap all over the bath. And because I’m kinda nuts, I even took a picture.

Now, keep in mind, it’s usually more of a disaster than usual but I recently cleaned up because in just mere hours, my in laws will be visiting for four fucking days. Yeah, you read that right. My in laws are coming for a visit.

RED ALERT… MY IN LAWS ARE COMING!

Don’t worry. I’ve already purchased an economy sized bottle of red wine and made sure I have plenty of vodka at the ready. Actually, while we were at the store, my husband grabbed a big bottle and said “Do you think this will help you make it through my parents visit? hahaha

In case you’re new here, you might want to take a look at some of these in law posts: My MIL ruined my wedding and made me want to set myself on fire just so I could get away from her crazy, In-law Apocalypse, My in-laws are coming and I’ve already reserved myself a spot in a psych ward just in case, The time when my in-laws invited themselves to my sister’s wedding and she wanted to kill me and then my mom wanted to kill them only 2 hours after their presence, the very touching story of A Lack Of Boundaries With A Side Of Ranch Of Ranch Dressing, and my personal favorite… When You Wish Upon A Star… And It’s Stuck Up… Up Where?!.

If you dare, just scroll though my subjects and look up in-laws and mother-in law where I vent, bitch, and whine about them.

But back to the subject at hand.

A Mom’s and Dad’s view after kids. This could go two ways, zero participation where all you hear is crickets, chirp, chirp… or wanting to show your view. Whether describing your kids takeover of your bathroom in the comments section, or posting you own photo on my Facebook page, This Is Mommyhood.

I would absolutely love to read about it or see pics. I can’t be the only mama out there with this issue.

So, come on ladies and gents. Don’t be shy. We’re in this together. Show me what you’ve got! If this goes well, I may, just may show you my 5 year-old’s room aka the disaster zone that’s clean for five minutes and then BOOM, it’s an outright mess. I may even show the hot mess that is my kitchen, or the hummingbird’s play area… GASP!

This is my view of the bathtub. But keep in mind, it usually looks much worse, with toys on the floor and lying all over in the tub:

Mermaids, and buckets, and snorkeling gear, oh my!

Mermaids, and buckets, and snorkeling gear, oh my!

xoxo

Updated: If I get at least 5 pics of your bathtub kid takeover on my FB page, I will absolutely show you the little hummingbird’s hot mess of a bedroom next week. WTF am I saying?! I’ll probably show you anyway because I just lurves to overshare. haha!

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Birth Stories: When The Unexpected Happens

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Welcome to the Share Your Story event: Childbirth – Your Stories

This post was written as part of the Share Your Story event hosted by Kids in the House. Our contributors have shared their stories, struggles, and wisdom about the unforgettable yet unpredictable event that is childbirth.

When I was pregnant with my daughter, I had so many thoughts swirling around in my head about what childbirth would be like and the changes that would come with the new addition to our family.

I had very high hopes that I would be able to stick to the birth plan that I wanted but at the same time, I prepared myself for the unexpected. Or so I thought.

Three weeks before “the little hummingbird” was due, I developed preeclampsia and was told I’m being admitted to the hospital that day to have my baby.

My husband and I rushed home, packed in a hurry, and made it back to the hospital.

Part of my birth plan included soothing showers if needed and walks around the hospital floor to help with the progression of labor. As soon as I got into my room, I was hooked up to an I.V. where I was treated with magnesium for preeclampsia. There would be no getting out of the hospital bed for anything.

Things pretty much snowballed from there and everything that happened with my labor and delivery, including an emergency cesarean, was the opposite of what I was hoping for. I really felt like I failed in such a big way. But looking back now, I see that it was out of my control.

An important thing to remember is that while you may be disappointed that things don’t happen as planned with childbirth, try not to be hard on yourself. You do the best that you can but childbirth is very unpredictable. As one of my nurses told me “Babies don’t read the books on what to expect”.

After my daughter was born, things settled a bit but I started to have a nagging feeling that something wasn’t quite right. She wouldn’t latch on to nurse and when I was finally able to give her a bottle, she refused that too.

I was becoming more concerned that there was something wrong and told a few of the nurses. I just had no idea what to tell them exactly. There was something in the way she cried and her breathing didn’t always seem quite right. That’s something else to remember; always trust your instincts when it comes to your child and don’t be afraid to voice any concerns that you may have. When it comes to medical care, the best advocate is you.

By the next afternoon, while a nurse was checking on me, my daughter started shaking and crying. The nurse left the room and came back to test her blood sugar. It was extremely low and in an instant, another nurse came in. There was a quick discussion between them and our little girl was rushed to the NICU.

She stabilized by that night but the doctors were baffled at what was wrong.

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The little hummingbird was in the NICU for 3 weeks and many tests were run.

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Despite all of that, they still didn’t know why her blood sugar would be fine for a day or two, and then drop to very low levels.

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Her doctors put her on a medication to stabilize her blood sugar and after a few days of making sure she was doing well, she was finally able to come home.

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We had to keep our daughter on medication for a while and check her blood sugar 3-4 times a day but eventually we were able to stop both of those things. The next five years have been spent trying to find out why she’s had drops in her blood sugar since her stay in the NICU. We’re finally getting closer to an answer which may possibly be Glycogen Storage Disorder.

Becoming a parent is overwhelming enough but when your child has medical issues and has to stay in the NICU, the stress and anxiety can become too much to bear. Having a great support system and keeping the lines of communication open is a must, especially with your spouse.

Despite the difficult beginnings we had, the little hummingbird is thriving and excited to be starting Kindergarten in a few weeks.

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Please be sure to read the submissions by the other Share Your Story contributors, and visit Kids in the House to find out how you can participate in our next Share Your Story Blogger Event!

  • Two Peas in a Pod: A Double Miracle – Rachael at Three Boys and Mom shares how the blessing of an unexpected twin pregnancy saved a woman’s life.
  • Childbirth: the Ache of Love – Sasha at MomLife Now describes how one mom discovered a miraculous beauty she new not existed.
  • Tax Day 2007 – Cheryl at The Pump Station & Nursery looks back on how an easy pregnancy turned out to be a taxing birth experience.
  • Going with the Flow – Bridget at Bridget Bertrand shares how her OB helped to put her on the right course in regards to birth plans, the playlist, and even the recipe to make the day her daughter came into the world.
  • My Not-So Natural Birth Story – Rachel at Mommy Greenest shares a lot of questions with questions with pregnant and new parents through her work, but this time describes what it was like for her, giving birth for the first time – but definitely not the last – time.
  • The (Not So) Perfect Birth Story – Britt at My Life and Kids reflects on how a mom’s life-threatening delivery helped mold her into the mother she was meant to be.
  • Giving Birth: When the Unexpected Happens – Elle at This is Mommyhood shares advice for when your baby has an unexpected stay in the NICU.
  • A New Look at the “Perfect” Birth Story – Melissa at Fill My Cup shares how a crazy delivery gave one mom a new perspective on the ‘perfect birth.’
  • Induction Induced Feelings of LossThe Orange Rhino shares how a planned induction brought unplanned feelings of jealousy, sadness, disappointment and loss.
  • Our Beautiful Birth Story – Lindsay at The Fully Caffeinated Mama reflects on how it wasn’t the feeling of intense pain caused by the epidural wearing off that she remembers, but rather the beautiful baby on her chest for the first time.
  • Jack’s Arrival – Samantha at The Peanuts Gang thought she would have a scheduled c-section, but it turned out that having Jack was QUICK and sooner than expected!
  • Remembering to Breathe – Suzy at Kids in the House explains how with little fanfare, the completely wrong music, and a very distracted doctor, her son Leo was born.
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