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Like a bowl full of jelly.

burningbra1

I absolutely hate wearing a bra and for years I thought I found a way to avoid putting one on by wearing a jacket.

I never said I was the brightest bulb.

I figured my big boobs would be hidden with a jacket so I wouldn’t have to wear that fucking elastic torture device. During the winter, my plan is pretty awesome since I wear a bulky coat that keeps the twins in line.

In the spring, I try to get away with wearing a jacket for as long as possible to avoid a bra, even when it warms up and I’ll be hot as hell with sweat dripping down my face and running down my armpits.

Anything is better than wearing a bra.

Last week, the hummingbird and I were walking into Target and I was wearing a sweater jacket to avoid the dreaded bra.

The bird was asking why I was wearing it since it was warm out.

Hummingbird: You don’t need a jacket, mommy. It’s nice out.

Me: I know, but I can’t take it off since I’m not wearing a bra.

Hummingbird: Why not?

Me: If I took my jacket off, then everyone can see my boobs jiggling all over and flapping around. My jacket hides that.

Hummingbird: But mommy, you’re boobs ARE flapping around all over the place. I can see them bouncing around even with the jacket.

Nooooo! I thought I found a bra loophole and while I assumed my boobs were under wraps, I’ve been a hot and sweaty mess by roasting in jackets that don’t cover these suckers up after all.

My plan has been foiled all this time without me realizing it. Damn it!

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Total Recall: When you care enough to scare your kid and want to pay for a lifetime of therapy, take them to see the Easter Bunny.

Published: April 25, 2011

In the first 2 years of the hummingbird’s life, we haven’t taken her to see Santa Claus or the Easter Bunny. She’s like me in that she has to hang back and take in a situation first before she gets comfortable so I had a feeling if we took her, she would freak out.

The past few weeks I started thinking I was depriving my little girl of these things and when I saw that the Easter Bunny would be at the mall on Saturday and that the picture would be free, I couldn’t pass it up.

I figured if things went bad but we didn’t have to pay any money then it would still be a win for us. Oh, how wrong I was.

I might be in the minority here but I think it’s kind of odd that people are so willing to throw their kids onto the laps of Santa Claus and The Easter Bunny.

From a kids point of view it would seem terrifying. My daughter has a few stuffed bunnies but then we take her to see a ginormous bunny who’s bigger than her dad and can probably crush his skull in. Cute? I think not.

When someone gets too close to the hummingbird while saying how adorable she is and so much as pats her on the head, I think to myself oh my gawd, I don’t know you and you’re touching my child so back off. If I’m holding her, I start moving around like I have to pee, hoping it will make it more difficult for the person to be all touchy as I’m swinging the hummingbird to the right and left.

But hey, let’s hand my child over to some stranger because they’re dressed up as a bunny. That’s totally normal.

What really creeps me out about the whole bunny business is I have no idea who’s in the costume. For all I know it could be someone who hasn’t quite made the transition to full zombie status and they’re in the middle of a pre-zombie tweak out.

Worse yet, it could be Charlie Sheen, although I have no idea what he would be doing in a small city in Northern California dressed as a bunny come to think of it, dressing up as a bunny would be tame for him and I’m pretty sure there aren’t an abundance of hookers where I live but I could be wrong since I’m not privy when it comes to all things hooker-ish hooker-y?.

Sorry, didn’t mean to offend. I meant to say “high-class call girls” because everyone knows they’re more classy than hookers. *snort* After all, they have “class” in their name. *double snort*

So against my better judgment will I ever learn? we took her to see the Easter Bunny. We were running late because of me and got to the mall about 20 minutes before the bunny was going to hop off.

While we were waiting in line, I didn’t see any other kids freak out so I started to think maybe my daughter would be okay with this after all. I also think my hairdresser left the bleach on my hair a little too long the last time I saw her and the fumes must have gotten to me.

I always imagine the people who dress up in these costumes go to some bar later I know I would after spending a day with an endless amount of kids and relay their tales of the worst kids they had to deal with. My little girl was most likely on that list.

The little hummingbird’s reaction was pretty much what I expected:

She started kicking her little legs and screaming while my husband was handing her over and I’m sure Charlie Sheen the guy has bruises all over and is temporarily deaf. What you can’t see is my hubby crouching down beside the hummingbird, trying to hold her legs still.

After we scarred her for life, we let her play over by her favorite fountain at the mall and all was well again I should just photoshop the Easter Bunny into the picture below:
Once she was calm and happy, we started walking back to the car and came across a person dressed up as a bunny in front of some store while passing out gift cards. The little hummingbird was like screw this bunny stuff, freaked out again, and we quickly walked by. Now, if we even mention Easter and Bunny in the same sentence she starts to whimper.

It’s safe to say we won’t be seeing the Easter Bunny for a very long time.

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5!

I’m now the mother of a 5 year-old. Holy Shit! Where did the time go?

Happy Birthday, baby girl!

bday11

bday33

 

*age 3, age 4.

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Total Recall: When it comes to transitioning your child from a crib to a big bed, there are 2 perfect words to describe the experience. Oh and f*ck!

Published June 14, 2012

We really dragged our feet when it came to the hummingbird getting her big girl bed. It wasn’t as horrible as I thought it would be but it also wasn’t a great transition.

Giving the then 2 year-old little hummingbird free reign to her room was terrifying to me. We took out most of her toys and even found latches so she couldn’t get into her sliding door closet.

Other than that, we just hoped she would sleep. It was a good few weeks when she really got the hang of it and would actually stay in bed on some nights.

Here are a few parenting essentials you’ll need when you’re outside your child’s door while they scream mmmoooooooooommmmmmmmyyyyyyy.

I may or may not have used some or all of these things. Ahem.

Nyquil is the midnight snack for moms the world over. During this transition, pre-order a case. While you’re telling your child over and over and over again to get back in bed, make it a drinking game. Every time you say GET. BACK. IN. BED. RIGHT. NOW., take a shot. You’ll be passed out in no time and won’t care that your kid won’t stay in bed. Problem solved!

Baby jail, or a security gate so they can’t get out of their room and cause havoc all over while you and the hubby are sleeping soundly.

An iPod is a must. Instead of hearing your child scream bloody murder, you can hear Trent Reznor do the same to music.

Calling your mom. There will probably be a time during this (and every other stage of childhood) when you will call your mom and tell her you’re child is broken and you want a new one. Okay I never said that (or maybe I did) but I have said countless times “this can’t be normal, can it?”.

A big, Costco size bottle of Xanax for obvious reasons.

There you go, you’re all set. Now, get that Nyquil bottle into position!

How did your child respond to the transition of a big bed? Was there lots of drinking? 

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Breaking ballet.

The almost 5 year-old little hummingbird decided she was done with ballet a while ago but still went to a few more classes. Her heart just didn’t seem into it and she’s been asking to start gymnastics, which she’ll begin on Tuesday.

When I was younger, I promised myself that if my kids weren’t happy with any extracurricular activities, I wasn’t going to push them to stay.

I kept my word but OMG, I love her ballet class and watching her dance with all the other little hummingbirds and her ballet teacher is the best and I already miss the little bird dressing up in her leotard and ballet tutu and going out for ice cream afterwards and I’ve been picturing her first ballet recital since she was still in utero and OMG, THE CUTE.

Ahem.

I’ll be okay. Really.

Does anyone have a tissue?

*Caught A Lite Sneeze

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Total Recall: If I Wanted To Be Verbally Attacked, I Wouldn’t Go To The Grocery Store. I Would Visit My MIL.

Published November, 9, 2010

It started off innocent enough. My husband, daughter, and I went to a commissary for groceries at a nearby base on Saturday. Before we went inside the store, my hubby was getting a pack of water and asked me what brand I wanted. We use reusable water bottles but still get bottled water at times.

He joked about getting a brand I don’t like (I know it’s just water but I can be picky) and I told him to get the other water. While this was going on, I noticed a woman standing behind us. There wasn’t room for her to pass since the entrance to the commissary was narrow. Then I realized she was waiting on my hubby so she could get some water.

When he got it in the cart, the woman walked up and told her teenage son to get a certain brand of water because the other one (the one we got) sucked since “they use less plastic and it’s crinkly sounding”. I felt like she was only saying that to be a bitch and was trying to start something with us. Then I shrugged it off and thought I was just jumping to conclusions. You would think I would have learned to trust my instincts by now.

Somehow she ended up getting in front of us. The commissary we go to checks for military ID and there was a woman on the left side and a man on the right checking as you’re walking into the store. My husband was pushing the cart and I was holding the little hummingbird.

There was an older man in front of us and the woman and he was slowly making his way onto a motorized scooter. So while we were standing there waiting, I told my hubby to wipe the cart down before we put our daughter in it. Out of nowhere this woman starts yelling at my hubby. “Stop pushing your cart into me!!! Can’t you watch where you’re going?!!! You keep running into me!!!” She kept going on and on. She said plenty of crazy gems but I’ve forgotten them since I waited to write this. Mommy brain.

The thing was, my hubby wasn’t even close to this crazy woman. If he had bumped into her, he would have said he was sorry but he was like 2 feet away from her. All we were doing was standing behind this mental case. My hubby and I don’t go walking around looking for fights and neither of us likes confrontation. I can be quite the talker once I get to know someone but I’m really shy and the hubs is super quiet.

The whole thing was so surreal and at first I thought I would just keep quiet and let my hubby take care of it. He kept on apologizing and said he never hit her and then she started bitching about how we seemed to “act like we owned the damn stack of water” when we were getting our pack. Holy fucking crap lady! That’s when I could no longer be quiet and I simply told her that my husband never hit her with the cart.

This must have been exactly what she wanted because then she really started freaking out on us. We were only a few feet into the grocery store and the ID checkers were just standing there. I was still holding my daughter so she was yelling at the both of us right in front of our 19 month old and in front of her teenage son. Fortunately the little girl wasn’t crying and was just staring at this crazy woman probably thinking “what the hell is your problem?”

People were looking and I just couldn’t even believe how psycho this woman was. I hear about these weird things that happen when it comes to dumb situations where the police are called and it had me worried that would be the case with this. This woman had long, over-bleached hair and while she was yelling and flipping out, it would sway back and forth. I would never do this but there were a few times when I had the urge to grab her hair and drop kick her.

Then a slew of four letter words were entering my mind and as much as I would have loved to lay some on her, I had the self-control she obviously lacked. That’s when 3 more words popped into my head. Words I have never used before despite my husband being in the military for 14 years. I thought it was fitting since here we were on a base at the commissary so as she started to walk away, still yelling at us, I told her God Bless America!

You can only imagine how much she loved me saying that. She turned back around to continue her yelling that had been going on for several minutes. Then she started walking off again and as she was going into the produce section, she called me a bitch. And I thought going to visit my MIL was going to be the most terrifying thing this month.

Surprisingly, I was able to get a picture of this crazy woman.

 

What’s one of the craziest situations you’ve experienced with a stranger?

*Rootless Tree

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Bad mommy moment

4 yo hummingbird: What’s wrong, mommy?

me: There’s a butthead in front of me that’s going under the speed limit.

4 yo: Which one’s the butthead?

me: The one in the red truck. He’s been going really slow for miles now on the highway. I think he’s beyond a butthead. He’s an asshole.

4 yo: An asshole?

me: Uh huh.

4 yo: A fucking asshole?

me: Actually, yes. Yes, he is.

Bad, bad mommy!

What’s your “bad” parenting moment this week?

*Spare-Ohs

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