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Despite 3 bathrooms, my kid ALWAYS wants to use the one I’m using. For clarification purposes, I’m not in the bathroom right now. No, really, I’m not.

It never fails. No matter when I need to make a quick trip to the bathroom, my daughter decides all of a sudden that she has to go to. Then it’s a mad dash to get there. We have a guest bathroom but I just don’t like using it.

Mostly because my husband uses that one a lot and so does my 5 year-old. And our 2 cats eat in there so you have to dodge whatever cat food they knocked out of their bowl and onto the floor without it sticking to your bare feet. I guess cat food tastes better off the floor than from a bowl. What animals!

My husband has his own bathroom and the little hummingbird and I share one.

I don’t use the hubby’s bathroom because to be honest, ewww… boys. Walking into his bathroom is like walking on the set of Nightmare On Elm Street, where at any time Freddy Krueger could jump out of nowhere. His bathroom is clean-ish but scary at the same time. When I must walk in for emergency purposes, I swear the music from Psycho starts playing in my mind.

No, you can't make me! I will not go into my man's bathroom!

No, you can’t make me! I will not go into my man’s bathroom!

I’ll slowly open the door. His shower will be dripping. The smell of man pee starts to hit me. There will be an empty roll of toilet paper, just waiting to be changed. His sink will have hair all over from when he shaved that morning. And there will be a big ass ball of clumpy dried soap on the dispenser.

Am I the only one that actually cleans my soap dispenser just so that ball of goop doesn’t form?

But anyway, back to the hummingbird.

She’s not afraid to use his bathroom.  So, I usually ask her to use his so I can use mine. But nope, the battle of the butts is what we usually resort to. Whoever gets their butt on the toilet first wins of course. I’m sure that’s quite a sight. We’ll run up the stairs side by side, giggling all the way up, and we drop trou as soon as we hit the bathroom door.

If she does win, and let’s face it, she is younger and faster, I’ll just wait until she’s done. The hummingbird always asks me why I don’t just go into the hubby’s bathroom and that’s when the Psycho music starts going around in my mind.

SCREECH, SCREECH, SCREECH, SCREECH.

What I imagine happening ever time I take a shower.

What I imagine happening ever time I take a shower.

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10 signs that you have a little girl.

bubbles3312

When I was pregnant with my now 5 year-old daughter, I told myself there was no way she would be a girly girl, seeing that I was somewhat of a tomboy when I was younger. I thought she would be the same way. Oh, how wrong I was. Here are just some of the signs that you have a little girl. Of course a few of these apply to little boys as well.

10. She has more shoes than you do.

9. You have no less than 5 Barbie dolls throughout your house.

8. All of your clean towels are on the floor, being used to jump in pretend puddles.

7. You don’t even realize you’ve been watching Nickelodeon Jr. alone until 30 minutes later.

6. There are at least 10 stuffed animals and toys piled in your child’s bed.

5. If you ask her what her favorite color is, she’ll say pink, purple, polka dots, and Hello Kitty.

4. You have an overabundunce of laundry from all of the clothing changes she has every day.

3. You can braid hair and make a ballet bun in record time, using a pink or purple hair band of course.

2. Everything she owns is called Princess, Twilight, Rainbow, or Sparkle.

1. It looks like Disney, Peppa Pig, and Hello Kitty threw up in your house.

What are some of the signs that show you have a son or daughter?

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My kid has learned to lay on the guilt. F***ck.

Not to offend or be politically incorrect (Actually I hate being politically correct, it’s called humor people!!! Get a fucking grip.), blah, blah blah… but I feel like I’m living with a tiny Jewish mother when it comes to my 5 year-old daughter.

Not that I have a Jewish mother and I don’t mean to stereotype, but as long as I’ve been on this earth, there have been countless times that I’ve heard that Jewish mothers have taken guilt to an art form.

Anyway…

What really stood out for me was when we had our camping trip a few weeks ago and the little hummingbird really layed the guilt on us. I felt like shit but at the same time, it was fucking hilarious to me. I don’t know, maybe you had to be there.

My husband was making a fire so we could roast some marshmallows for s’mores and to start the fire, he dug around in the backseat of the car for some paper. It was paper with drawings and such that the bird made at preschool.

Drawings that she forgot about that had been in the back of my car for months. Yes, I really need to clean my car. Desperately.

My daughter normally didn’t give a shit about these pictures and drawings but immediately grew an attachment to them when my husband picked them out to use for the fire. I get it, really I do, since I do the same but what followed almost made me pee myself.

As her sudden attachment to her pictures were burning in the fire, she layed on the guilt big time.

I’ll never forget it.

As she watched them burn, she stood by the fire with the most pitiful look on her face and said “Bye pictures, I’ll miss you.”

Really kid, REALLY?!

But it worked and the husband and I looked at each other and I knew we were thinking ” Holy hell, we are shitty parents.”

Of course, once we sat around the campfire together and made the delicious, gooey s’mores, the hummingbird quickly forgot her beloved artwork.

Since then, she has found that laying on the guilt works in her favor.

Damn it!

What have your kids done to really lay on the guilt?

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Our little strawberry picker.

averystrawberry11

averys1ststrawberry11

*Soul One

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Church chat.

Me to the 5 year-old hummingbird: Do you want to give church a try on Sunday?

5 yo: What’s church?? Can I eat it?

Yeah, needless to say, we’re not religious.

*Parenting and Religion

*Get Down On Your Knees

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The preschool graduate.

psgrad44

 

At her graduation.

At her graduation.

 

What she wants to be when she grows up.

What she wants to be when she grows up.

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Mom! MOM? Watch this! Mom!

My 5 year-old is currently in a “MOM, Watch this!” stage. I give her as much of my attention as I can but if I so much as blink while she’s showing me something, I’ll be in big trouble.

Mom? MOOOOM? Watch this! Watch this, mom!

I’m watching!

*she stands on one foot*

I’ll be thinking “she screamed for me to come out of the bathroom after my shower and I’m dripping wet and all she wanted to show me was her standing on one foot?”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have any interest. But she yells out with such urgency that I don’t know what to expect. There’s also times when I’m not even quite sure what she’s trying to show me. Um, did my kid just drag me off of the toilet to see that she can stand perfectly still?

Once she shows me whatever it is, I clap and say YAY, and then it continues.

Mom! Watch this!

*she does a cartwheel*

My attention is slightly taken away when one of our cats comes racing through the room like a maniac and then disappears. Oh shit, I’m in trouble.

Mom, you weren’t watching! MOM, WATCH!

Okay, sweetie, okay.

*does the cartwheel again*

I clap and say Yay, good job, sweetie!

~~~~~

Mom! Mom? MOM?! Where are yooooou!

Upstairs!

Come down quick!

What is it?

You have to come down here!

Okay, give me a sec.

*goes downstairs*

Mom, watch!

I’m watching.

*she smiles with an orange slice in her mouth*

He he he, that’s cute. I need to go back up and finish drying my hair.

Wait, mom, wait! Watch this!

*she hops up and down*

Yay!

~~~~~

It’ll be the buttcrack of dawn. Mom, wake up, watch this, mom!

*she jumps up on the bed and body slams me*

MOM! You weren’t watching!

Sweetie, I wasn’t watching because I’m still asleep.

Well, watch me this time.

*jumps on the bed and body slams me again*

Okay, that’s enough. Can you get off me so I can use the bathroom?

No, I don’t want you to go. Watch this first! Mom? Mom! MOM? Watch this!

*jumps on the bed and then onto the floor*

Yay, okay, I’m going to pee myself if I don’t go to the bathroom.

~~~~~

As much as the “MOM, watch this!” stage can sometimes get on my last nerve, I’m enjoying it while I can. Before long, she’s going to be moody, hormonal, and sulky, and won’t want me to be around.

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