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I Don’t Have The HGTV Gene

Just like I am about pumpkin spice which makes me feel like a hooker without clients, HGTV also leaves me feeling empty.

I’ve accepted that I don’t have the HGTV gene, unlike many others. I do love to watch House Hunters International sometimes so I can see a mime and a circus juggler moving to Paris on a 1.5 million dollar budget. Where the hell do they get that kind of money?!

My husband foams at the mouth for shows like Fixer Upper and The Property Brothers. I, instead, get put to sleep. HGTV people seem to be everywhere, spreading their love of the color grey and finding the hidden potential of a crack house.

My “safe” channel used to be the Food Network. The “safe” channel is what I quickly put on when my 8 year-old enters the room. Currently, though, that channel is off limits for me because of the torture of seeing all the food I’m not allowed to eat right now. So, I’ve made HGTV the “safe” channel. Except, I had it on the other day, expecting the hummingbird to walk in anytime and I actually started nodding off as I was petting my dog.

I also see these HGTV people all over magazines and I think “Well, fuck. Zzzzzzz”. I want real celeb gossip. Like what Kate Winslet is up to or seeing Mark Ruffalo or Clive Owen as the Sexiest Man Alive. Somebody make that happen!

It must be the super mellow, monotone voices everybody uses on all the shows that HGTV airs. Actually it reminds me of the way my father-in-law speaks which nearly drives me into a coma.

They need a few shows with hosts like Sam Kinison to wake people up.

Sam: “I was driving the other day and a car pulled out in front of me and AAAAAHHH! AAAHHHH!”

If you don’t know who Sam Kinison is (I should say was since he passed away years ago), that probably doesn’t make much sense.

But picture this on HGTV:

Realtor: “We have an apartment in the middle of Paris with hardwood floors, it’s on the second floor, and it’s $100 dollars under budget”.

Prospective buyer: “I don’t know. That’s two flights of stairs. Ugh! And, that wall in the second bedroom is green. GREEN! Can you believe it? How can I make this a home with a second bedroom that’s painted green. I mean, yuck. I don’t want to pay $100 dollars under my budget for a place with a green wall. I’m going to take the place that’s twenty minutes outside of the city I want to live in and that’s $300 dollars over budget.”

Realtor: “Yeah, um, you know you can simply paint the green walls to a color that you would prefer”.

Prospective buyer: “Ewww, I don’t know. That’s a lot of work for a place that’s under budget and in the city of Paris”.

Realtor: “Okay, so, I’m not being paid enough to deal with dumbasses like you.

AAAHH! AAAHHH!”

*Back To Berlin

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Just Give Me A Damn Snickers Bar And A Heating Pad

I’ve been feeling blah for the past few days so I’ve been reading a lot of magazines in bed. I’ve been seeing ads that say shit like “Have a happy period.”

What the fuck is that about?

Maybe it’s because I have fibroids and have really, REALLY heavy periods but I’m in hell for a good four days.

Have a happy period?!

Yeah, the only way I’ll have a happy period is if you prop me up on the couch with a straw in a vodka bottle and a pallet of chocolate.

When I have my period, I want to yell at everyone within hearing range to know how much they annoy me just by their existence because my crampy ass has to make a run to the store for more tampons and that chocolate cupcake I saw in the bakery section that I should have gotten when I went to the store the day before for more over the counter pain medicine.

Then, I’ll want to eat everything in sight and say fuck it, go to 5 Guys for a cheeseburger, and moan like a monkey in heat when eating their Cajun seasoned french fries.

Have a happy period, you say?!

Tell that to my piercing back cramps and lack of energy.

I love the ad for tampons where a woman is going down the water slide and they say something like, “Don’t let your period slow you down.”

When I see that commercial, it should go something like this, instead:

The camera pans to the woman in a bikini because nope, she’s not bloated from her fucking period. She has a full box of happy period tampons in a beach bag and they show her walking out of the restroom in the second shot.

The woman goes over to the wave pool and dips her toes in the water. She laughs maniacally because hey, she’s having a happy period! Woo-hoo for happy periods. And these happy period tampons have a morphine drip included in the box.

She slowly walks into the wave pool and when the water hits waist height, you hear this noise of water going down the drain and making a slurping noise.

The camera shows this guilty look on her face and she shrugs her shoulders. “Oops, did I do that?”

Her happy period tampons are so super absorbent, one tampon sucked up a whole wave pool.

Those are tampons I would buy.

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Randy Rainbow

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Book And Movie Suggestions

Behind Closed Doors – This book terrified me. I didn’t realize how scary, sick, and twisted it was until I was up late reading and scootched closer to my husband while lying in bed. When that wasn’t enough, I had to turn on the table lamp because the story was creeping me out.

A husband and wife seem to have the perfect life but things aren’t always how they appear to be.

The Lying Game – Four best friends and former classmates come together after one of them sends a message that she needs them. It seems as though someone from their past knows a secret they’ve been keeping.

Into The Darkest Corner – I wasn’t expecting much from this book but was totally wrong. A woman suffered a traumatic experience and the story goes between the past and present.

~~~~~

Nightcrawler – Holy Fuck, this movie is really intense and so good. Jake Gyllllenhaaaaaaallllll, I can never spell his name right, is creepy as fuck and so good in this film. His character goes around filming accidents and crime scenes, then he sells the video to a television news station. It also has the amazing Rene Russo.

Get Out – This movie is fucked up. I’m still trying to digest it and I saw it awhile ago.

Christine – I have fallen in love with actress, Rebecca Hall, after seeing this. This is definitely not a happy happy joy joy movie. Newswoman, Christine, committed suicide live on air in the 70’s. The film is pretty dark but really captivated me.

The Gift – Another great film with Rebecca Hall and Jason Bateman. A couple starts receiving unwanted gifts from the husband’s former high school classmate. The ending is still making me pee myself. I’ve seen the movie twice more because of how good it is.

I’d love to hear what your movie and book suggestions are.

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I’m A Mess

This past year and a half has been very difficult for me. I had five surgeries within 14 months, starting in 2016. It’s why I haven’t really been blogging as often as I’d like. I won’t bore you with the details of the surgeries but they came in such rapid succession and that’s what has made me go from anxiety with occasional panic attacks to my current state which has transformed to severe anxiety with frequent panic attacks, including the dreaded anxiety attacks first thing in the morning.

I didn’t take as good of care of myself as I should have with each recovery from surgery and it’s definitely taken a toll on me. I feel so anxious all the time and my body still feels like it’s in recovery mode. It’s been frustrating for me because I’m still not 100% physically and the frustration leads to anxiety which leads me to have panic attacks.

If you’ve never had a panic attack, you’re very lucky. Mine starts out with feeling a sense of dread. My heart starts pounding. It’s difficult to catch my breath. My mind starts racing. I feel dizzy. My heart gets to where it feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. I feel like I’m going to give myself a heart attack. The sense of dread increases. My heart’s beating so fast, my mind is racing, I’m feeling dizzier, and there are times I even get so worked up that I throw up from the anxiety and panic. It feels like I’m a prisoner in my own body and want nothing more that to escape myself.

So, for the past 18 months, my anxiety has grown to where it can be debilitating at times. I’m getting more concerned now because this is the time of year that my depression starts rearing its ugly head.

Since I cut out all news out of my life last month, the anxiety has become a little more manageable. I’ve been trying to ride out the panic attacks without reaching for my xanax prescription but that can be really difficult. Hmmm, would I rather feel like I’m in a fight or flight state of panic for half the day or should I take something that I know in 20 or so minutes will have me feeling more in control of my thoughts? But, I don’t want to have to depend on medication every time.

The problem is, I still have an ongoing medical issue and while I’ve had two surgeries for it where I thought both times that I’ll finally be feeling healthy again and won’t have to deal with this problem anymore. Low and behold, once I’m confident it’s finally not an issue anymore. the fucking thing pops back up. I feel like there’s no end in sight and my ENT doctor has been calling this “unusual and rare”.

He seems to be at a total loss about what to do and mentioned sending me to Boston. For now though, he’s waiting to see if medication will help. I know it’s not going to because in the past it never did.

I’m just feeling so frustrated and at a loss.

What I’ve been missing is writing. I know that’s something that will help clear my head and help my anxiety while also giving me an escape from these ongoing medical issues.

I just don’t know if I can still keep up the blogging, not that I’ve really been keeping it up that often. But, I’ve been blogging for over seven years now and I’m not quite sure I can completely let it go. So, for now, I figure what the hell, even if I don’t have much to say, I should just write anyway. It’s such a nice vacation from my anxiety ridden mind and the physical pain I’m still in.

So, now you know what’s been going on since last year. It feels good to clear the air and talk about the terrible time I’ve been having.

I know I’ll get through this rough time but right now it feels like it’s going to last forever. I’ll leave you for now by saying thank you for listening to my issues.

I’ve got issues, you’ve got them too, so give yours to me and I’ll give mine to you.

Your welcome for getting that song stuck in your head.

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Adventures In Driving

My mom is staying with us for the summer and it’s the best thing ever. There’s a chance my in-laws might also visit during the summer and it will be so nice to have an ally around for that visit.

There are tourists flocking to our area and it has made driving more frustrating than usual. The road that’s the cross street by our house is so congested as it is but during the summer, holy hell. And, I hate driving anyways. It’s always made me so tense and stressed.

My mom and I were coming back from the store because oh my fucking god, no matter how much I plan, I go to the store at least three times a week for shit I forgot, even though I always… well I mostly have a list.

Anyway, there was an older woman ahead of us doing at least five under the speed limit.

A mild annoyance but oh, well.

Then, this woman started to put on her brakes.

Okay.

A normal thing to do.

But, she then came to a complete fucking stop on the two lane road.

What the fucking fuck?

I looked at my mom and said am I just crazy or is this woman turning really fucking slow?

She’s turning really fucking slow, my mom replied.

This woman came to a complete stop on our two lane road that goes by our house and she just fucking stops.

Who dropped the acid in my water?

What the hell, lady?

Can you turn any slower?

Yes. Yes, she can.

And with that, she made the slowest left hand turn in the entire history of left hand turns.

When she was finally far enough out of my way, I hit the gas and looked back in my rearview mirror.

And what did I see?

This lady was still in the process of completing her turn into the golf course entrance.

I just don’t get the way people drive anymore. Common courtesy has blown to the winds. People drive like they’re the only people on the road.

Yes, I’m bitching about drivers because I’m officially old. Next week I’ll have a post entirely centered around the price that things where when I was a kid.

Okay, no, I won’t.

Or will I?

Hmmmm.

What’s your driving pet peeve or an annoyance you’ve had lately with driving?

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The Wall

Things have been quickly going to hell in a hand basket so instead of ranting, I’ll leave you with this, as well as a great post by Tas from Not My Year Off about the Muslim ban.

Okay, I will say more. It’s crushing to see people not only support the Muslim ban and the wall, but to also say the protests are laughable and pointless. So, with that thought process, people like Martin Luther King Jr. should have just stayed home instead of fighting for the rights of people under horrible oppression with marches and rallies.

It’s disconcerting that these people have so much hate in their heart.

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