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Church chat.

Me to the 5 year-old hummingbird: Do you want to give church a try on Sunday?

5 yo: What’s church?? Can I eat it?

Yeah, needless to say, we’re not religious.

*Parenting and Religion

*Get Down On Your Knees

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Mom! MOM? Watch this! Mom!

My 5 year-old is currently in a “MOM, Watch this!” stage. I give her as much of my attention as I can but if I so much as blink while she’s showing me something, I’ll be in big trouble.

Mom? MOOOOM? Watch this! Watch this, mom!

I’m watching!

*she stands on one foot*

I’ll be thinking “she screamed for me to come out of the bathroom after my shower and I’m dripping wet and all she wanted to show me was her standing on one foot?”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have any interest. But she yells out with such urgency that I don’t know what to expect. There’s also times when I’m not even quite sure what she’s trying to show me. Um, did my kid just drag me off of the toilet to see that she can stand perfectly still?

Once she shows me whatever it is, I clap and say YAY, and then it continues.

Mom! Watch this!

*she does a cartwheel*

My attention is slightly taken away when one of our cats comes racing through the room like a maniac and then disappears. Oh shit, I’m in trouble.

Mom, you weren’t watching! MOM, WATCH!

Okay, sweetie, okay.

*does the cartwheel again*

I clap and say Yay, good job, sweetie!

~~~~~

Mom! Mom? MOM?! Where are yooooou!

Upstairs!

Come down quick!

What is it?

You have to come down here!

Okay, give me a sec.

*goes downstairs*

Mom, watch!

I’m watching.

*she smiles with an orange slice in her mouth*

He he he, that’s cute. I need to go back up and finish drying my hair.

Wait, mom, wait! Watch this!

*she hops up and down*

Yay!

~~~~~

It’ll be the buttcrack of dawn. Mom, wake up, watch this, mom!

*she jumps up on the bed and body slams me*

MOM! You weren’t watching!

Sweetie, I wasn’t watching because I’m still asleep.

Well, watch me this time.

*jumps on the bed and body slams me again*

Okay, that’s enough. Can you get off me so I can use the bathroom?

No, I don’t want you to go. Watch this first! Mom? Mom! MOM? Watch this!

*jumps on the bed and then onto the floor*

Yay, okay, I’m going to pee myself if I don’t go to the bathroom.

~~~~~

As much as the “MOM, watch this!” stage can sometimes get on my last nerve, I’m enjoying it while I can. Before long, she’s going to be moody, hormonal, and sulky, and won’t want me to be around.

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That awkward moment when you and your husband are about to go at it and he accidentally pokes you in the ass.

I’ve had my share of sextastrophes in my time, some funny, some cringeworthy… some before my husband.

Whip cream can be pretty damn awesome but if you wait too long, it can be a sextastrophe. During one encounter, it was fun and delicious. Then, about an hour later, it turned sour and the stench was so incredibly nasty.

He was still into it and it was all I could do to keep from gagging. Thankfully, shower sex took care of the problem.

You’re not really sure what to expect the first time the clothes come off. Sure, a penis comes in all shapes and sizes but the crooked ones are tricky. This guy I was seeing when I was younger had such a crooked penis, it could practically be a boomerang.

I’ll never forget standing there and looking at it, thinking how the hell is THAT supposed to work. It didn’t and was the most awkward sex I ever had. Never saw the guy again.

Then, there are those times when something happens that’s absolutely hysterical. My husband and I were being really passionate and everything was in sync. I felt our cat jump on the bed and rub up against my foot. Soon after, my husband had a weird look on his face.

He asked me what I was doing with my hands and I said nothing. That’s when we discovered our cat was licking his ass crack. Well, better her than me. I don’t think I ever laughed so hard in my life.

The one thing I could do without is the accidental ass poke. After all the years that my husband and I have been together, I still get that surprise every now and then.

BUTT POKE!

In my head:

WHOA HO HO HO HO. Wrong hole!! How does he still do that after all of this time?

I’ve had a baby and my vagina is kind of like this big hole now. But he still misses and tries to put it in my ass?

Oh my god… maybe he wants to put it in my ass. Why didn’t he mention this beforehand???

Oh wait… nope… he finally got it right.

Sextasrophe diverted.

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At the beginning of the year, I thought “Oh cool, I’ll start planning my posts weeks in advance”. Yeah, that went well.

I suck at organization. I’m much more comfortable in my messy chaos. But, near the beginning of the new year, (OMG, It’s April! How the fuck did that happen??) I decided to get back in the habit of writing more regularly for my blog.

I searched Pinterest and printed out these cutesy weekly planners for a schedule and filled out my blog post ideas weeks in advance.

Ummm, yeah. That worked out well.

Seeing my ideas written down in ink made me twitchy because I don’t like lists and suck at planning things out. My 14 year-old self came popping up. Meaning? I rebelled against that fucking schedule.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m spontaneous but lists and lots of planning just isn’t my thing.

OMG, THE PRESSURE!!

I’m more of a see where the day takes me kind of person than an organizer.

Just like to-do lists with my husband. I rather nag at him constantly than make a list for him that will be ignored. It’s so much more fun.

Even if I do make a list for, let’s say the store, no matter how many times I look at that damn list while shopping,  I usually forget the most needed items on the list.

Like toilet paper.

Which is what I should turn the pages of my blog post schedule into.

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Twitter-isms

I don’t have much writing in me yet but I’ve been back on Twitter. I’m sure some of you might not give a shit about Twitter and I didn’t either when I started 3 years ago, but I’ve met some incredible people on there.

I’ve found that writing little things on my blog for now, instead of giving it up entirely, has been a good distraction so please bear with me. xx

Here are just a few tweets since I’m about to crash and burn from being so tired.

Happy Weekend!

My handle is @thisismommyhood

January 19: Fuck you, rubber band loom. Fuck you.

During the Oscars… March 2: Hubby: Sally Field? I thought Sally Field was an astronaut. Help! Help!

March 21: I got a haircut a month ago. My husband just noticed tonight. Yep, that’s about right.

March 21: Hummingbirds need pampering too.

averypedicure

 

*Mediate

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Happy VD!

Not to be mistaken by STD. But if that’s your thing, Happy STD Day, too! I’m looking at you Owen Wilson. Dude, you’ve gotta wrap that sucker up!

vd1

vd3

*Let It Go

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Thankful for cookies.

Last week, the hummingbird was asked what she was thankful for so they could put it up on the bulletin board at her preschool. She said she was thankful for cookies. That’s my girl!

I hope everyone has a great holiday! xx

makingturkey1

 

*It’s My Life

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