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18 things to say to your kids before they’re 18.

By Elle on May 14, 2013 in mommyhood, the little hummingbird, this and that

*If you have a writing prompt suggestion, please leave it in the comments or email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

This writing prompt is from Alyssa who blogs at The Wild, Weird World Of Us and it’s 18 things to say to your kids before they hit 18.

1. Please, PLEASE sleep.

2. You’re on mommy’s PMS cycle, aren’t you?

3. Why? Because. Why? Because. Why? Because. Why? ….

4. We need to get you to preschool. Get your shoes on, please. Did you change outfits again? Well, get your shoes on. Repeat 10 times. Get your jacket. No, you don’t need to start changing clothes again. Get your jacket on. Repeat 5 times. Where’s your other shoe? Get that shoe on. Repeat 10 times. Okay, let’s get going. Repeat 5 times. Sorry, it’s too late to braid your hair. Hey, where did your jacket go? You just had it on.

5. Mommy will be right back. Twitch. Twitch. She needs to go to the kitchen and get a glass of “mommy juice”.

6. Me: *cries* How did my baby get to be 4? Her: Silly mommy, I’m not a baby. Me: *sobs uncontrollably*

7. *Once they start school.* Why do I have more homework to do now that I’m out of school than I did when I was in school?

8. No, you can’t have a cell phone. You’re way too young.

9. *After incessant begging.* Fine, you can have a phone. But only for emergencies.

10. Will you get off the phone already?!

11. Go to your room! Just don’t use your computer, television, phone, iPod, kindle, gaming chair…. oh, nevermind! Go sit in the hall closet.

12. Don’t make me pull this car over!

13. Turn that music down!

14. Back in my day, they had “real” music.

15. Ask your father.

16. Sit your child down for the “big” talk. Have a serious and lengthy conversation about why Carrie should have chosen Aidan over Mr. Big. Use graphs, charts, and you tube videos if necessary.

17. If you’re going over to your friend’s house, I want the parent’s names, home address, social security numbers, car make and model, and their blood type. Oh yeah, and 3 references.

18. Why, yes! Of course I waited until I was 18 to have sex. Definitely. Ahem.

What would you add to the list?

*Guns N’ Roses

**Post… Guns N’ Roses and my peanut butter covered autograph. Sounds way more kinky than it is.

Comments { 3 }

Zombies, cartoons that make you want to bang your head against a spike, and more!

By Elle on May 3, 2013 in i know i'm strange, love, my brain is melting, this and that

I’ve been struggling to write. I’m finally coming out of this awful funk I’ve been in but feel off kilter. It’s like I need a V8. So, I thought let me ask you some goofy questions that are usually saved for my guest posters. I stopped asking these questions a while ago but why not bring them back… for you to answer.

If there’s anything you’d like to know about me, leave them in the comments. I feel weird about it because what in the hell don’t you know about me already? And from what you do know, why would you really want to know more? Ha!

Btw, if you would like to be a guest blogger on here, doesn’t matter if you have a blog or not, I would love to have you. Email me at elle dot mommyhood at gmail dot com.

Also, not long ago I was asked to be part of the What To Expect website. I’m very excited about it. I never expected my little blog to take me to the places it has. I’m so very thankful.

Yes, you may gag. I’m being sickly sweet right now. I blame the wine I’m currently sipping on. Not that you’re keeping up but here are the websites I occasionally write for…

What The Flicka?

Families In The Loop (a Chicago based site)

What To Expect

So, let’s get on to your questions! Answer as many or as few as you’d like. Don’t be self consious! Just say fuck it and answer them!

Ready!

Steady!

Go!

1. If the zombie apocalypse happened tomorrow, which weapon would you want to have to fight these brain eaters?

A. a flame thrower.

B. an unlimited supply of ninja throwing stars.

C. a chainsaw.

D. a shoelace because you’re bad ass.

E. other and what would it be?

F. none of the above, I want to be a damn zombie!

2. If you could be stuck in an elevator with anyone, who would it be?

3. If you could drop everything and go anywhere in the world (real or fantasy), where would it be?

4. Favorite guilty pleasure?

5. If you could send any celebrity/reality star into space so you’d never have to hear about them again, who would it be?

6. Which would you rather win? An Oscar, a Grammy, or a Tony.

7. What’s one of your favorite books?

8. What song(s) makes you want to dance around your house and/or brings you back to your teen years?

9. A favorite non-mommy activity?

10. What’s a favorite book that you like to read to your kids?

11. What kids cartoon or character makes you want to bang your head against a spike?

12. What’s one of your favorite movies?

*Billy Joel

Comments { 11 }

A cow farting on a piece of paper would make for better writing.

By Elle on April 19, 2013 in blah blah blah, hold me, holy hell, this and that

Holy fucking hell!

Really, this week? REALLY??!

It’s been unreal and I’m sure we’re all so drained and done with it. I have been fucking glued to the television. Especially since last night.

I feel like a zombie.

I’ve lost count of how many times this week I’ve said to my husband “What the fuck is going on????… It’s like the end of the fucking world!”

My brain is mush and there’s absolutely no use in me attempting to write a normal post.

So, if you haven’t already, enjoy these news anchors dissing Ryan Lochte (hilarious) , a “cunt punting” sorority girl’s email, or why you should never bring a one night stand to your house.

There’s also my absolutely favorite celeb gossip site, dlisted, that always has me laughing. I can’t go more than a few days without reading it.

The guy who writes it, Michael K, is right up my alley. Vulgar, hilarious, and honest. The comments are just as funny.

One of these things is bound to take your mind off of the crazy shit of the week for at least a few minutes and that’s something we need right now.

And a big fucking hug.

And some xanax, which is the only reason I haven’t completely lost my mind this week.

For reals.

P.S. I fucking love you, Boston!!!

*Pearl Jam – Elderly Woman Behind The Counter In A Small Town.

*Pearl Jam – Better Man.

*This is not a t.v. studio, JOSH! Turn these lights out. It’s a fucking rock concert!

Updated to add: Dancing queen at bus stop. This woman is awesome!

Updated again: Michael Shannon Reads The Insane Delta Gamma Sorority Letter.

Comments { 2 }

How YOU Doing?!

By Elle on April 4, 2013 in this and that

Awhile back I did this thing where I asked everyone to leave a comment and tell me as much or as little as you’d like.

I LOVED reading everything you had to say so now I’m doing it again.

Let me know who you are and how long you’ve been reading my blog, even it’s the first time.

If you’re not sure what you want to write then just let me know what really made you smile or laugh this week!

I’ll start…

I’m Elle, it’s nice to meet you! I live in Northern California (and we’re moving to coastal Maine in July), and something that really made me smile this week was when the hummingbird busted out singing Rumor Has It at the grocery store.

Also, I laugh at really inappropriate moments so when my husband tripped and almost fell on his ass a few days ago, I couldn’t stop laughing.

Comments { 22 }

Getting my yearly pap and waiting for my doctor in the exam room for 25 minutes in a thin paper gown while I’m sweating like mad and sticking to everything.

By Elle on March 27, 2013 in a glimpse into my mind, doctor stuff, hold me, life is funny, this and that, too much info

This woman remembered to wear socks... bitch.

This woman remembered to wear socks and is in a cloth gown… bitch.

I had my yearly woman’s wellness visit last week. Aka, awkwardly laying down while your legs are up in the air and your feet are in metal stirrups. Yay!

The hummingbird crawled into bed with me the night before which meant zero sleep for me. I mean zero, zero. I was beyond exhausted that morning and dragged my ass into the car to take her to preschool for the day.

We left later than usual, around 9 am-ish, but I thought since my appointment wasn’t until the early afternoon, I could get some sleep that I really lacked.

Naps aren’t my thing because once I’m asleep, there’s no way I can take a 30 minute nap. I end up sleeping hard, but for some reason my dumb ass always thinks “this time will be different”. Hahaha!

Besides the whole “doctor sticking her hand in my vagina” part, it was a good day because I wasn’t working and had the day off… from pretty much everything. Except my never-ending laundry. And dishes. And more laundry. And picking up around the house. But you get my meaning.

Before my pap, I was going to get a mani/pedi (my fingers and toes are screaming for one), grab some takeout from Chiptole, and make sure I shaved my legs. A day of bliss.

When I got back home, I set my alarm for 10:30 am. Easy peasy.

I set my actual alarm clock because if I use my iPhone, I’ll just think it’s someone calling and ignore it. What? Just saying the truth!

10:30 am: Beep… beep! I hit the snooze button. What’s 10 minutes? I can still get everything done in the amount of time I have.

10:40 am: Beep… beep! Hitting the snooze button again. My pillow is awesome and I’m not getting out of bed. I can still get everything done if I don’t screw around and I go straight to the nail salon.

10:50 am BEEP! Too cozy to get up. I’ll just sleep for another 20 minutes and skip the manicure.

11:10 am: Beep!!!! Umm… I don’t really need to shave my legs, right? Zzzzzzzz.

11:30 am: Oh shit! What have I done?? Priorities, girl! I don’t need Chipotle for lunch after all. But my toe nails… ewwww! I have to get those done. Getting up now!

11:31 am: Ooooh, I love my pillow!! Zzzzzz.

11:50 am: How in the fuck did I hit the snooze button for this long??!!! I need to get my ass uuu…. ppp…. zzzzzzz.

12:30 pm: Oh, it’s 12:30. WHAT?! It’s 12:30!!! I’ll be lucky if I can put on deodorant and clean my lady parts with some baby wipes. I’m definitely not going to wear my Uggs (Yes, they’re ugly as hell but I love mine! So cozy!! Also, you don’t need to wear socks with them.) I have to wear my socks and tennis shoes.

Sidenote: Because of my need for a pedicure, only both of my big toes still have a little nail polish on them. The others? Zip. I know, ick. I’m too lazy to take off what little paint I have on my big toes.

12:35 pm: Brush my teeth, put on my watch, run downstairs, and put on my Uggs. D’oh!

1:00 pm: Get taken back to the exam room, strip down, put on the tissue thin gown, and sit on the edge of the exam table.

1:15 pm: Start to quietly sing my own made up song… ” Where the hell is my doctor? Why isn’t she here? My cootchie is sweating, and I need a beer.”

1:20 pm Still waiting and sweating big time. Start thinking that my thin tissue paper gown will actually be the size of a tissue by the time my doctor walks in.

1:22 pm: Seriously???!!

1:24 pm: Look down at my toes and find that they look even worse in a floresent lit room. Wish I wore socks. I’m really hoping my doctor doesn’t notice my toe nails.

1:25: She FINALLY walks in. We have polite chit-chat, she asks about my daughter, then more polite but kind of awkward “soon this woman will have her hand in my vagina” chit-chat.

She tells me to scootch to the end of the table and put my feet in the stirrups. My dignity plummets. While I’ve never had a problem opening my legs before, especially in high school… sorry mom, my legs are locked together.

She opens my legs… my dignity extinguished, adjusts my left foot into the stirrup, looks at me, and says “I love the nail polish on your toes!”

D’oh!

Comments { 1 }

This is going to require a lot of snuggies. That, or we turn into Jack Nicholson’s character in The Shining. I’m going with the latter.

By Elle on March 25, 2013 in anxiety, depression, this and that, wha?, would you like some cheese with your whine?

Since the hubby’s in the Navy, we never really know where we’ll be sent next but got the inside scoop that there was a job opening in Ventura, CA at the end of the year. The job there for my husband seemed like a pretty done deal.

I was so excited since we wanted to stay on the west coast anyway and will be calling Seattle home in 3 or so years.

Then a bomb was dropped on us. As usual, my husband waited until the last possible second of the day, around 11pm, to tell me that he got word that the military will be sending us to coastal Maine in July.

Gulp!

Holy culture shock, Batman!

I have nothing against Maine and think it will actually be pretty cool (even with a ton of snow) but I’ve always been a California girl and planned out the next 3 years with us staying in Cali. We currently live in Northern California and have for nearly 3 years.

I just want to make it clear that I don’t hate that I’m moving to Maine, just that I’m already homesick for California and would be that way no matter where we moved…. even if it was to my beloved Seattle.

When my husband and I were living in D.C. years ago, he was sent up to Bath, Maine about 3 or 4 times for business and he loved it.

Everything I know about Maine, I learned from Stephen King, which doesn’t really help.

From what I’ve seen of it, it looks gorgeous.

I just never expected that we would actually be moving there. We don’t offically have the orders so it may change but that’s not likely.

The only thing I’m really freaking out about there is all of that snow. Sure it may be fun at first, but then it will snow and snow and snow and snow.

I just picture blizzards, no electricity, and all of us stuck in the house, driving each other insane.

REDRUM!! REDRUM!!

I can see myself going crazy with cabin fever and writing over and over… “All work and no play makes Elle a dull girl”.

I have to be honest… my other big fear is that the weather will worsen my depression. That scares me to no end.

I’ve been taking one step forward and three steps back with depression and while it’s more of an improvement than it used to be, I’m still struggling with depression and anxiety quite frequently.

Especially now, since this will be such a big change in our lives. The panic attacks have picked up no matter how much I try not to stress.

I really need to see if I can go back to my therapist (who I stopped seeing late last year) for a little “tune-up”.

The bright side is we’ll be close-ish to Boston and I’m hoping we’ll be able to make a few trips down to NYC while we’re living there.

I’m going to try and drink a bottle of shut the fuck up, stop my whining, and think of how nice it will be to move to Maine.

If you live there now or have ever lived there, please let me know what I should be expecting. Does it really snow buckets? Will we be trapped inside the house all winter while I’m at my computer writing “All work and no play makes Elle a dull girl”?

Comments { 8 }

Pretending to be an adult.

By Elle on February 21, 2013 in hold me, this and that, wha?

I’m in my mid thirties and I feel like I’m still waiting to become a grown up.

The main reason is that most of the time, I don’t know what the hell I’m doing.

With each year that passes, I’m starting to realize that I can’t be the only adult who feels this way.

I remember my mom being my age and I used to think she had it all figured out.

I don’t have most things figured out, especially motherhood.

When I brought my daughter home from the hospital, I thought all the answers would fly into my brain and I would transform into mom of the year overnight.

That didn’t happen.

When it comes to my nearly 4 year-old, most of the time I feel like I’m just “playing house” because I never expected to be so clueless this many years in.

I just don’t feel my age.

I like to stay up late and I still sometimes use “totally” and “awesome” in the same sentence. Me? A grown up? Nah.

I look at my daughter and think she knows much more than I do already. Then I start thinking she’d be better off being raised by wolves.

Okay, maybe not but you get what I mean.

I have a house, a wonderful family, a job, bills to pay, and two cats. I’m just waiting to catch up to my age.

Do you feel like a grown up or do you feel like you’re sometimes pretending too?