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When You Go Out Of Your Way To Make A Nice Meal For Your Family And They Kind Of End Up Being A**holes About It.

1350591749695_7822193*I’m still sick and I have to say, I am the biggest pussy ever when it comes to having a cold. It definitely makes you see just how good you have it when you’re healthy.

Last week, when I was in my “pre-sick” stage, I wanted to make a nice dinner for my husband and the little hummingbird. It’s also the day that I made the incredibly orgasmic mini salted caramel apple pies.

Even though we’re a family of 3, it’s such a pain in the ass to get everyone on the same page when it comes to agreeing on what to make for a meal. Okay, actually I need to take that back. My husband will eat anything. Even some of the most horrible, OMG, what the fuck went wrong meals I’ve made over the years.

It’s my 5 year-old daughter who is picky, picky, picky.

Here’s where I have to say I for the most part ate pretty much everything my mom made. She was a single mom for many years and we had several meals of those cheap pot pies. She did the best that she could to feed us so I absolutely appreciate her efforts.

Come to think of it, I was probably more of a whiny little kid when it came to the food we had but I did my best to eat what she was able to afford.

Anyway, as a parent, there is probably at least one time, if not more, where you make a nice dinner for your family and go out of your way to cover all of the different tastes for them. It’s a pain in the ass but damn it, you want everyone to sit down, have a nice dinner, and not bitch and complain.

This particular night did not go as planned. Of course it didn’t. Fuckity fuck!

It may not seem like a fabulous dinner but I made buffalo macaroni and cheese. The perfect comfort food. So delicious and kid friendly. I even made a special casserole dish of it for the hummingbird.

I was running an hour behind though and everyone was bitchy by the time I was able to serve it up.

I was also bitchy and a total asshole to my husband because while preparing this meal, I realized that while I went to the store earlier, I forgot to get half and half. Fuck!

Then I flipped the hell out and sent my poor husband to the quick mart down the road. He was trying to be helpful and offer alternatives but I was all like NO! I FUCKING NEED THIS FUCKING HALF AND HALF, FUCKING FUCK!

Not one of my proudest moments… obviously.

I finally get this dinner in order and on the table. But did my family appreciate it? Hell no!

My hubby chowed down without breathing because he was so damn hungry and my daughter whined and said she didn’t like it. She wanted me to make Kraft mac n’ cheese instead.

And I had to get up multiple times for my daughter. “Can you please get me a napkin, mom? I wanted juice instead. I dropped my fork, can you get another one? My food is cold now, can you microwave it? Now my food is too hot and I can’t eat it. I don’t like this. Can I have something else?”

OMG! Really, people? REALLY?!

So, I sat there and cried. I totally lost it and cried while thinking fuck this shit.

I sat on the couch and cursed my family under my breath while my husband and daughter happily played together after dinner.

But then, I kinda sorta pulled it together and we had those delicious apple pies for dessert.

And all was finally good again.

Because mmmm, pie!

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Book Suggestions: Mystery

a658a13627997ce052f6f032f3a59891I love books. All books. I’m such a book freak. Earlier today, I took the little hummingbird to her soon to be elementary school for her 3rd and final summer reading program check in where she was able to pick out three new (used) books, including Where The Red Fern Grows.

I read that book when I was a kid in school and if there weren’t any witnesses, I would’ve jumped up and down with excitement and squealed with delight when I saw that book lying in the box.

When it comes to her age group for summer reading, my 5 year-old rocked that shit. I love reading to her and hope she grows to love books as much as I do.

~~~~~~~~~~

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Return To Grace Karen Harper

A young Amish woman, Hannah Esh, decides to go worldy and returns home to a graveyard in Home Valley on Halloween night with her worldly goth friends. A shooting takes place, leaving one of her friends dead and Hannah injured. She returns home to her Amish family and helps piece together the reason behind the shootings with her former ex, Seth Lantz, and Detective Linc.

lifewithoutparole

Life Without Parole Clare O’ Donohue

Kate Conway, a television producer, gets an opportunity to do a documentary at a local prison. Another job opportunity is a reality show about a new restaurant opening. One of the owners of the restaurant is murdered and Vera, the mistress of Kate’s dead ex-husband, is the prime suspect.

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The Skeleton Box Bryan Gruley

The Skeleton Box is the third in the Starvation Lake mystery trilogy. Gus Carpenter, an editor, looks into the break-in at his mother’s where her best friend and his ex-girlfriend are killed. Gus begins to uncover disturbing events about his town as well as his own family.

Some Kind of Peace

Some Kind Of Peace Camilla Grebe andÅsa Träff

Siri Bergman is a psychologist who lives outside the city in an isolated cottage. A patient of hers is found dead in the lake near here home and she begins to sense that she’s being watched. She’s in a fight for her life to catch the murderer before they kill again.

What have you been reading? I just got done with Mr. Mercedes by Stephen King, and right now I’m half way done with Bittersweet by Miranda Beverly-Whittemore, among a handful or others.

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Rumor Has It

It was brought to my attention a while ago when it came to rumors about my blog (so weird) and what I post. I thought now would be a good time to clear some things up for those people.

What is up with “Elle”?

When I started this blog, I was absolutely, positively going to remain anonymous. Ha! The biggest issue was because my husband is in the military and was teaching at the time. He had concerns that his students would come across my writing. That’s why I started writing under “Elle”. But then I was getting more writing opportunities, which I honestly wasn’t expecting, and ended up sticking with writing under a pseudonym.

To be honest, after being sent some of these rumors and reading them, I’m very glad I keep it that way.

I “came out” to friends and family I know in real life and that’s why I’m more open about it on my private Facebook.

I also see the same posts on other sites.

Yes, yes you do. And? If you look on posts written at the bottom of one of those sites, it even states that I originally posted the content on This Is Mommyhood.

You try way too hard to be funny and you’re just not. You end up looking like an idiot.

Awww, thanks.

But you lost a child back in March and you just don’t seem to be grieving about it on your blog like I think you should. What’s up with that?

Oh my god, I am so, so sorry about that! How could I do such a thing to you?

I had many reasons to start this blog 4 years ago. What I love so much about it is that in reality I am so painfully shy and very quiet to those I don’t really know. But when I write, my real personality comes out. I can be way too open and I know that. When I lost Ben, I was certain I would write plenty about the horrible pain and heartbreak I have over losing my son.

And I have written about him. I just haven’t published it. It’s very hard for me to talk about it, even to my own mother. Writing about ANYTHING else is what I’ve needed. I couldn’t even tell you how emotionally and physically upset I get every single day. Well I could, but who really wants to hear that day after day.

A classmate of the little hummingbird has a brother that is close to what Ben’s age would be. Whenever I see him, my stomach drops. I’ll get a lump in my throat and my heart feels like it’s going to pound out of my chest. Then the tears start and I have to keep it together until I get my daughter and myself into the car.

As much as I share (and I share a lot), there are plenty of things I don’t. There are moments I just want to keep for myself. Especially when it comes to my daughter and baby boy.

If you’re a parent, you already know how many times your child turns you into a puddle of emotions each day and the love you feel is beyond anything else.

I could write about all of that sugary stuff, but I rather write about the every day things that can drive me crazy or make me laugh when it comes to being a wife and mother. It’s my release.

I don’t think you were really pregnant.

Ummm, okay.

I’m FB friends with you and I’m contributing to these rumors.

You’re so kind. Looks like I need to filter out some people.

You’re still not funny and what it the deal with you talking about your vagina?

Well, you’re in luck. My vagina is doing pretty dandy these days but if you aren’t happy with what I write, there are countless other sites that you can read instead.

xoxo

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Church chat.

Me to the 5 year-old hummingbird: Do you want to give church a try on Sunday?

5 yo: What’s church?? Can I eat it?

Yeah, needless to say, we’re not religious.

*Parenting and Religion

*Get Down On Your Knees

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Mom! MOM? Watch this! Mom!

My 5 year-old is currently in a “MOM, Watch this!” stage. I give her as much of my attention as I can but if I so much as blink while she’s showing me something, I’ll be in big trouble.

Mom? MOOOOM? Watch this! Watch this, mom!

I’m watching!

*she stands on one foot*

I’ll be thinking “she screamed for me to come out of the bathroom after my shower and I’m dripping wet and all she wanted to show me was her standing on one foot?”

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t have any interest. But she yells out with such urgency that I don’t know what to expect. There’s also times when I’m not even quite sure what she’s trying to show me. Um, did my kid just drag me off of the toilet to see that she can stand perfectly still?

Once she shows me whatever it is, I clap and say YAY, and then it continues.

Mom! Watch this!

*she does a cartwheel*

My attention is slightly taken away when one of our cats comes racing through the room like a maniac and then disappears. Oh shit, I’m in trouble.

Mom, you weren’t watching! MOM, WATCH!

Okay, sweetie, okay.

*does the cartwheel again*

I clap and say Yay, good job, sweetie!

~~~~~

Mom! Mom? MOM?! Where are yooooou!

Upstairs!

Come down quick!

What is it?

You have to come down here!

Okay, give me a sec.

*goes downstairs*

Mom, watch!

I’m watching.

*she smiles with an orange slice in her mouth*

He he he, that’s cute. I need to go back up and finish drying my hair.

Wait, mom, wait! Watch this!

*she hops up and down*

Yay!

~~~~~

It’ll be the buttcrack of dawn. Mom, wake up, watch this, mom!

*she jumps up on the bed and body slams me*

MOM! You weren’t watching!

Sweetie, I wasn’t watching because I’m still asleep.

Well, watch me this time.

*jumps on the bed and body slams me again*

Okay, that’s enough. Can you get off me so I can use the bathroom?

No, I don’t want you to go. Watch this first! Mom? Mom! MOM? Watch this!

*jumps on the bed and then onto the floor*

Yay, okay, I’m going to pee myself if I don’t go to the bathroom.

~~~~~

As much as the “MOM, watch this!” stage can sometimes get on my last nerve, I’m enjoying it while I can. Before long, she’s going to be moody, hormonal, and sulky, and won’t want me to be around.

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That awkward moment when you and your husband are about to go at it and he accidentally pokes you in the ass.

I’ve had my share of sextastrophes in my time, some funny, some cringeworthy… some before my husband.

Whip cream can be pretty damn awesome but if you wait too long, it can be a sextastrophe. During one encounter, it was fun and delicious. Then, about an hour later, it turned sour and the stench was so incredibly nasty.

He was still into it and it was all I could do to keep from gagging. Thankfully, shower sex took care of the problem.

You’re not really sure what to expect the first time the clothes come off. Sure, a penis comes in all shapes and sizes but the crooked ones are tricky. This guy I was seeing when I was younger had such a crooked penis, it could practically be a boomerang.

I’ll never forget standing there and looking at it, thinking how the hell is THAT supposed to work. It didn’t and was the most awkward sex I ever had. Never saw the guy again.

Then, there are those times when something happens that’s absolutely hysterical. My husband and I were being really passionate and everything was in sync. I felt our cat jump on the bed and rub up against my foot. Soon after, my husband had a weird look on his face.

He asked me what I was doing with my hands and I said nothing. That’s when we discovered our cat was licking his ass crack. Well, better her than me. I don’t think I ever laughed so hard in my life.

The one thing I could do without is the accidental ass poke. After all the years that my husband and I have been together, I still get that surprise every now and then.

BUTT POKE!

In my head:

WHOA HO HO HO HO. Wrong hole!! How does he still do that after all of this time?

I’ve had a baby and my vagina is kind of like this big hole now. But he still misses and tries to put it in my ass?

Oh my god… maybe he wants to put it in my ass. Why didn’t he mention this beforehand???

Oh wait… nope… he finally got it right.

Sextasrophe diverted.

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At the beginning of the year, I thought “Oh cool, I’ll start planning my posts weeks in advance”. Yeah, that went well.

I suck at organization. I’m much more comfortable in my messy chaos. But, near the beginning of the new year, (OMG, It’s April! How the fuck did that happen??) I decided to get back in the habit of writing more regularly for my blog.

I searched Pinterest and printed out these cutesy weekly planners for a schedule and filled out my blog post ideas weeks in advance.

Ummm, yeah. That worked out well.

Seeing my ideas written down in ink made me twitchy because I don’t like lists and suck at planning things out. My 14 year-old self came popping up. Meaning? I rebelled against that fucking schedule.

I wouldn’t necessarily say that I’m spontaneous but lists and lots of planning just isn’t my thing.

OMG, THE PRESSURE!!

I’m more of a see where the day takes me kind of person than an organizer.

Just like to-do lists with my husband. I rather nag at him constantly than make a list for him that will be ignored. It’s so much more fun.

Even if I do make a list for, let’s say the store, no matter how many times I look at that damn list while shopping,  I usually forget the most needed items on the list.

Like toilet paper.

Which is what I should turn the pages of my blog post schedule into.

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