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Not only are my in-laws visiting at the end of this week, I invited them an extra day so they’ll have plenty of time with my hubby and the little hummingbird and they’ll be here for 5 freaking days.

I don’t remember what compelled me to invite them an extra day but I blame Miley Cyrus.

Whenever I hear her voice, I feel like I lose a few million brain cells so I probably saw her on ~~the Kardashian channel~~ E!, my brain cells went pop, and then I came up with the not so brilliant idea of having my in-laws here an extra 24 hours.

I’ve been talking about them in therapy for the last few sessions and just before my therapist jumped out of the window, she told me that it sounds like no matter what I do, it doesn’t seem like they’ll ever accept me.

I can totally understand that and live with it but even if my mother-in-law will never accept me, I figured she can at least be civil but she’s not.

I’ve been trying to figure out how to avoid my MIL as much as possible and while on Pinterest last night, it came to me. I can cook and be stuck in the safety of the kitchen as much as possible.

When I say “cook” I mean microwave. Although just on Friday I actually used my stove and made a jalapeno popper grilled cheese which was orgasmic, by the way.

I’ve been on the Pinterest food boards but I haven’t found anything yet. I need to find recipes that are easy peasy but will give me an excuse to hide in the kitchen for ~~5 days~~ awhile.

We always watch a movie when they visit and then we have to sit there for 2 hours while they do an ongoing narrative of the film and tell us in what ways it isn’t realistic. I decided we could watch Crazy, Stupid, Love because if anything at least I can stare at Ryan Gosling and his abs.

Since my in-laws tend to never give us any breathing room, if I can’t escape them while I’m in the kitchen, I’ll just use my old standby and hide out in the bathroom, making them think I have some kind of gastrointestinal issue that causes me to be stuck in the bathroom for hours at a time.

Whatever the case, it’s going to be a really long 5 days.

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Car carts are evil and will make you smell like Axe body spray.

By Elle on January 7, 2012 in a glimpse into my mind, hold me, holy hell, hubby, mommyhood, my brain is melting, really?!, the little hummingbird, ugh!, would you like some cheese with your whine?

I love to shop but only when it’s from the comfort of my laptop. I can’t stand going to the grocery store or the mall.

It seems like when people go out shopping on the weekends, their douchey side comes blazing out. Exhibit A.

There’s also the matter of bringing the little hummingbird to the store. Yowza! At first she plays it cool but then halfway through the store, she’s over it. We take her out of the car cart that my husband always promises to push through the store but doesn’t and then he goes chasing after her up and down the aisles while I’m stuck pushing this ginormous thing.

Yep, there I am, alone, and pushing the damn thing all over the store like a loony. Excuse me… I look loonier than usual. It takes all I have to turn the cart around the aisles, trying not to kill anyone in my path.

It never fails that I’ll park the damn car cart out of the way where I think people won’t go and there’s always that one person that wants to grab something where that cart is put.

Then I tell them I’m so sorry and I’ll try to push and pull and move the cart but that’s when it decides it’s not going to move an inch and the wheels start scraping on the floor, making a horrendous noise. I can tell that the person waiting for me to move the cart starts getting annoyed since it’s taking me so long to move but do these people ever offer to help me move the cart that weighs more than I do? Nope.

Just when I get it moving along, my hubby seems to show up out of thin air.

Not long ago he put our 2-year-old back in the cart because she was really cranky and didn’t have her nap that day. He practically sprinted away, turning back and telling me he had to go get something that he forgot and there I was trying to push an out of control car cart with a pissed off toddler.

As our daughter was yelling out for her daaaaddy, I was thinking of ways to get him back. Withholding sex came to mind but we’ve been married for quite a while and he probably wouldn’t even notice.

That’s when I spotted it. Trial size bottles of Axe body spray. It stinks but more importantly it gives the man in your life a douche makeover, like Ed Hardy clothes. I grabbed a bottle and waited for my husband to come down the aisle so I could ambush him with it.

After what seemed like forever, I saw him walking towards us and I had the bottle behind my back, ready to spray him. As soon as he was close enough, I whipped the bottle from behind my back and sprayed him down. Well that was the desired scenario except I didn’t realize until it was too late that the spray nozel was pointed in my direction.

Adding insult to injury, he grabbed one of the travel sized bottles out of the plastic bin and sprayed me some more. There we were in aisle 8 having an Axe body spray standoff. Our daughter finally stopped whining and seemed to be pleading with her eyes for some stranger to get her away from her crazy parents.

We finally called a truce, walked to the check out lane, and there I was gagging the whole way. All that was missing was a trucker hat and my douche makeover would have been complete.

I blame this whole thing on those damn car carts. One of these days the earth is going to pass through a comet like in that 80′s movie Maximum Overdrive and these car carts are going to come to life and terrorize us more than they already do. Then we’re all going to get into Axe body spray fights so before that happens, I vote that we burn every last one of the car carts to save mankind from becoming a society where we all start wearing Ed Hardy clothes, trucker hats, and smell like douchebag body spray.

~~~~~

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A Nervous Tic Motion.

By Elle on November 8, 2011 in ranty, really?!, too much info, ugh!, wha?, would you like some cheese with your whine?, writing to heal

**Beep, beep, ranty post.

For anyone who has been reading my blog for awhile, you know that in September I wanted to start a group blog which became known as Motherhood Uncovered. Let’s just say shit happens. Yep, I’ll leave it at that.

Then I got connected with the. most. awesomest tech guy and web designer JP. He is really incredible and I will link him soon (if you want then email me and I’ll give you his info that way) when the new site gets in order because if you’ve ever thought about self-hosting, he’s your man. I actually wanted him for this blog because I wanted to spruce it up but then shit happened so he took on the group site.

I decided on a new name for the site, A Nervous Tic Motion, because I wanted something more neutral. Also, when I was younger and would do something that annoyed my mom, she would fake a nervous tic with her head. That’s how I feel plenty of times with the hummingbird. I love her to death but she’s 2 and well, she’s 2.

As I type this she’s supposed to be taking her nap but instead I hear this loud thump, thump, thump above my head. It sounds like a bull is charging through her room.

The other reason for the name is I absolutely freaking love Andrew Bird and he does a song called A Nervous Tic Motion Of The Head To The Left. The man is brilliant.

Anyway, JP spent so much time working on the new site (he’s not finished yet) for me and the other writers and he redirected MU so it would go to the new site but someone messed with it after all of his hard work and now it won’t redirect. Thank you person that shall remain nameless. That was very nice of you.

I don’t mean to be bitchy but damn, that is really low. And to think this person is off starting their own group website.

The bright side is we have a new domain name (thank gawd because the website might have been completely ruined if the name and domain wasn’t changed) that this person hopefully won’t be able to screw with and we still have several of the writers who as you can imagine are just as thrilled with this person. NOT!

So, there are amazing writers for A Nervous Tic Motion and it will get better. It can’t get any worse….of course that’s what I’ve been saying for weeks. heh.

I want to thank all of the wonderful writers and I will name everyone soon, once this high school B.S. chills out.